UBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  Of 

CALIFORNIA 
SANTA  CRUZ 


•ps 

I 

A 


THE  [ 

|  AMERICAN  CLAIMANT  | 

AND  OTHER  STORIES  AND   SKETCHES 


MARK  TWAIN 

(SAMUEL  L.  CLEMENS) 


ILLUSTRATED 


1  I 


=E= 

\ 


HARPER  &  BROTHERS   PUBLISHERS 
NEW     YORK     AND      LONDON 

lllllllilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllW 


Copyright,  1892,  by  SAMUEL  L.  CLEMENS 
Copyright,  1892,  by  CHARLES.  L.  WEBSTER  &  Co. 

Copyright,  1893,  by  SAMUEL  L.  CLEMENS 
Copyright,  1896  and  1899,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS 
Printed  in  the  United  States  of  America 


D-N 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


SALLY  INTRODUCER  TO 

LORD  BERKELEY  ..../.  Allen  St.  John        Frontispiece 


"WHAT'S  THE  MATTER  HERE?"    J.  Allen  St.  John       .        .       3<>6 
"CHANGE,  PLEASE"        .       .       .      J.  Allen  St.  John      .       .       34* 


CONTENTS 


THE  AMERICAN   CLAIMANT 


MERRY  TALES 

THE  PRIVATE  HISTORY  OF  A  CAMPAIGN  THAT  FAILED     .       235 

LUCK 2$g 

A  CURIOUS  EXPERIENCE ,26$ 

MRS.  McWILLIAMS  AND  THE  LIGHTNING 299 

MEISTERSCHAFT:  IN  THREE  ACTS 308 


THE  £1,000,000  BANK-NOTE,   AND   OTHER  STORIES 

THE  ^1,000,000  BANK-NOTE 339 

MENTAL  TELEGRAPHY 365 

A  CURE  FOR  THE  BLUES 388 

THE  CURIOUS  BOOK,   COMPLETE: 

THE    ENEMY   CONQUERED;    OR    LOVE   TRIUMPHANT  .         «         .  408 


(v) 


vi  Contents 

ABOUT  ALL  KINDS  OF  SHIPS- 

THE  MODERN  STEAMER  AND  THE  OBSOLETE  STEAMER       .          «          .          .  4^1 

NOAH'S    ARK ».-_••  468 

COLUMBUS'S    CRAFT 473 

A    VANISHED    SENTIMENT 47^ 

PLAYING  COURIER         .               4§3 

THE    GERMAN  CHICAGO     -                               ......  5°2 

A  PETITION  TO   THE   QEEEN   OF   ENGLAND 518 

A   MAJESTIC   LITERARY   FOSSIL .524 


THE  WEATHER  IN  THIS  BOOK 

No  weather  will  be  found  in  this  book.  This  is  an 
attempt  to  pull  a  book  through  without  weather.  It 
being  the  first  attempt  of  the  kind  in  fictitious  litera- 
ture, it  may  prove  a  failure,  but  it  seemed  worth  the 
while  of  some  dare-devil  person  to  try  it,  and  the 
author  was  in  just  the  mood. 

Many  a  reader  who  wanted  to  read  a  tale  through  was 
not  able  to  do  it  because  of  delays  on  account  of  the 
weather.  Nothing  breaks  up  an  author's  progress  like 
having  to  stop  every  few  pages  to  fuss-up  the  weather. 
Thus  it  is  plain  that  persistent  intrusions  of  weather  are 
bad  for  both  reader  and  author. 

Of  course  weather  is  necessary  to  a  narrative  of 
human  experience.  That  is  conceded.  But  it  ought 
to  be  put  where  it  will  not  be  in  the  way ;  where  it  will 
not  interrupt  the  flow  of  the  narrative.  And  it  ought 
to  be  the  ablest  weather  than  can  be  had,  not  ignorant, 
poor-quality,  amateur  weather.  Weather  is  a  literary 
specialty,  and  no  untrained  hand  can  turn  out  a  good 
article  of  it.  The  present  author  can  do  only  a  few 
trifling  ordinary  kinds  of  weather,  and  he  cannot  do 
those  very  good.  So  it  has  seemed  wisest  to  borrow 
such  weather  as  is  necessary  for  the  book  from  quali- 
fied and  recognized  experts  —  giving  credit,  of  course. 
This  weather  will  be  found  over  in  the  back  part  of  the 
book,  out  of  the  way.  See  Appendix.  The  reader  is 
requested  to  turn  over  and  help  himself  from  time  to 
time  as  he  goes  along. 


EXPLANATORY 

THE  Colonel  Mulberry  Sellers  here  reintroduced  to 
the  public  is  the  same  person  who  appeared  as  Eschol 
Sellers  in  the  first  edition  of  the  tale  entitled  The  Gilded 
-Age,  years  ago,  and  as  Beriah  Sellers  in  the  subsequent 
editions  of  the  same  book,  and  finally  as  Mulberry 
Sellers  in  the  drama  played  afterwards  by  John  T. 
Raymond. 

The  name  was  changed  from  Eschol  to  Beriah  to  ac- 
commodate an  Eschol  Sellers  who  rose  up  out  of  the 
vasty  deeps  of  uncharted  space  and  preferred  his  re- 
quest —  backed  by  threat  of  a  libel  suit  —  then  went 
his  way  appeased,  and  came  no  more.  In  the  play 
Beriah  had  to  be  dropped  to  satisfy  another  member  of 
the  race,  and  Mulberry  was  substituted  in  the  hope  that 
the  objectors  would  be  tired  by  that  time  and  let  it 
pass  unchallenged.  So  far  it  has  occupied  the  field  in 
peace;  therefore  we  chance  it  again,  feeling  reasonably 
safe,  this  time,  under  shelter  of  the  statute  of  limita- 
tions. MARK  TWAIN. 

Hartford^  1891. 


THE  AMERICAN  CLAIMANT 


CHAPTER   I. 

IT  is  a  matchless  morning  in  rural  England.  On  a 
fair  hill  we  see  a  majestic  pile,  the  ivied  walls  and 
towers  of  Cholmondeley  Castle,  huge  relic  and  witness 
of  the  baronial  grandeurs  of  the  Middle  Ages.  This  is 
one  of  the  seats  of  the  Earl  of  Rossmore,  K.G.,  G.C. 
B.,  K.C.M.G.,  etc.,  etc.,  etc.,  etc.,  etc.,  who  pos- 
sesses twenty- two  thousand  acres  of  English  land,  owns 
a  parish  in  London  with  two  thousand  houses  on  its 
lease-roll,  and  struggles  comfortably  along  on  an  in- 
come of  two  hundred  thousand  pounds  a  year.  The 
father  and  founder  of  this  proud  old  line  was  William 
the  Conqueror  his  very  self ;  the  mother  of  it  was  not 
inventoried  in  history  by  name,  she  being  merely  a 
random  episode  and  inconsequential,  like  the  tanner's 
daughter  of  Falaise. 

In  a  breakfast-room  of  the  castle  on  this  breezy  fine 
morning  there  are  two  persons  and  the  cooling  remains 
of  a  deserted  meal.  One  of  these  persons  is  the  old 
lord,  tail,  erect,  square-shouldered,  white-haired,  stern- 
browed,  a  man  who  shows  character  in  every  feature, 
attitude,  and  movement,  and  carries  his  seventy  years 
as  easily  as  most  men  carry  fifty.  The  other  person  if 
his  only  son  and  heir,  a  dreamy-eyed  young  fellow, 
who  looks  about  twenty-six  but  is  nearer  thirty, 
Candor,  kindliness,  honesty,  sincerity,  simplicity,  mod- 

(9) 


10  The  American  Claimant 

esty  —  it  is  easy  to  see  that  these  are  cardinal  traits  of 
his  character ;  and  so  when  you  have  clothed  him  in 
the  formidable  components  of  his  name,  you  somehow 
seem  to  be  contemplating  a  lamb  in  armor;  his  name 
and  style  being  the  Honorable  Kirkcudbright  Llanover 
Marjoribanks  Sellers  Viscount  Berkeley  of  Cholmonde- 
ley  Castle,  Warwickshire.  (Pronounced  K'koobry 
Thlanover  Marshbanks  Sellers  Vycount  Barkly  of 
Chumly  Castle,  Warrikshr.)  He  is  standing  by  a  great 
window,  in  an  attitude  suggestive  of  respectful  atten- 
tion to  what  his  father  is  saying  and  equally  respectful 
dissent  from  the  positions  and  arguments  offered.  The 
father  walks  the  floor  as  he  talks,  and  his  talk  shows 
that  his  temper  is  away  up  towards  summer  heat. 

"  Soft-spirited  as  you  are,  Berkeley,  I  am  quite 
aware  that  when  you  have  once  made  up  your  mind  to 
do  a  thing  which  your  ideas  of  honor  and  justice  re- 
quire you  to  do,  argument  and  reason  are  (for  the 
time  being)  wasted  upon  you  —  yes,  and  ridicule,  per- 
suasion, supplication,  and  command  as  well.  To  my 
mind—" 

"  Father,  if  you  will  look  at  it  without  prejudice, 
without  passion,  you  must  concede  that  I  am  not  doing 
a  rash  thing,  a  thoughtless,  willful  thing,  with  nothing 
substantial  behind  it  to  justify  it.  /  did  not  create  the 
American  claimant  to  the  earldom  of  Rossmore ;  I  did 
not  hunt  for  him,  did  not  find  him,  did  not  obtrude 
him  upon  your  notice.  He  found  himself,  he  injected 
himself  into  our  lives  — " 

"  And  has  made  mine  a  purgatory  for  ten  years 
with  his  tiresome  letters,  his  wordy  reasonings,  his 
acres  of  tedious  evidence — " 

"  Which  you  would  never  read,  would  never  consent 
to  read.  Yet  in  common  fairness  he  was  entitled  to  a 
hearing.  That  hearing  would  either  prove  he  was  the 
rightful  earl  —  in  which  case  our  course  would  be  plain 


The  American  Claimant  11 

—  or  it  would   prove  that  he  wasn't  —  in  which  case 
our  course  would   be  equally  plain.     I  have  read  his 
evidences,  my  lord.     I  have  conned  them  well,  studied 
them  patiently  and  thoroughly.     The  chain  seems  to 
be  complete,  no  important  link  wanting.     I  believe  he 
is  the  rightful  earl." 

"  And  I  a  usurper  —  a  nameless  pauper,  a  tramp  ! 
Consider  what  you  are  saying,  sir.*' 

"  Father,  if  he  is  the  rightful  earl,  would  you,  could 
you  —  that  fact  being  established  —  consent  to  keep 
his  titles  and  his  properties  from  him  a  day,  an  hour, 
a  minute?" 

*  You     are     talking     nonsense  —  nonsense  —  lurid 
idiocy !     Now  listen  to  me.     I  will  make  a  confession 

—  if  you  wish  to  call  it  by  that  name.     I  did  not  read 
those  evidences  because  I  had  no  occasion  to  —  I  was 
made  familiar  with  them  in  the  time  of  this  claimant's 
father  and  of  my  own  father  forty  years  ago.     This 
fellow's    predecessors  have    kept    mine    more    or  less 
familiar  with  them  for  close  upon  a  hundred  and  fifty 
years.     The   truth    is,    the    rightful    heir   did    go    to 
America,   with   the  Fairfax   heir  or    about   the   same 
time  —  but   disappeared    somewhere    in    the   wilds   of 
Virginia,  got  married,  and  began  to  breed  savages  for 
the  Claimant  market ;  wrote  no  letters  home ;  was  sup- 
posed  to  be  dead;    his  younger   brother    softly  took 
possession;    presently    the    American    did    die,    and 
straightway  his  eldest  product  put  in   his  claim  —  by 
letter  —  letter  still  in  existence  —  and  died  before  the 
uncle  in  possession  found  time  —  or  maybe  inclination 

—  to  answer.     The  infant  son  of  that  eldest  product 
grew  up  —  long  interval,  you   see  —  and  he  took  to 
writing  letters  and  furnishing  evidences.     Well,   suc- 
cessor after  successor  has  done  the  same,  down  to  the 
present    idiot.     It  was  a  succession   of  paupers;  not 
one  of  them  was  ever  able  to  pay  his  passage  to  Eng- 


12  The  American  Claimant 

land  or  institute  suit.  The  Fairfaxes  kept  their  lord- 
ship alive,  and  so  they  have  never  lost  it  to  this  day, 
although  they  live  in  Maryland ;  their  friend  lost  his 
by  his  own  neglect  You  perceive  now  that  the  facts 
in  this  case  bring  us  to  precisely  this  result:  morally 
the  American  tramp  is  rightful  earl  of  Rossmore; 
legally  he  has  no  more  right  than  his  dog.  There 
now  —  are  you  satisfied?" 

There  was  a  pause;  then  the  son  glanced  at  the 
crest  carved  in  the  great  oaken  mantel,  and  said,  with 
a  regretful  note  in  his  voice : 

14  Since  the  introduction  of  heraldic  symbols,  the 
motto  of  this  house  has  been  Suum  cuique  —  to  every 
man  his  own.  By  your  own  intrepidly  frank  con- 
fession, my  lord,  it  is  become  a  sarcasm.  If  Simon 
Lathers—" 

44  Keep  that  exasperating  name  to  yourself!  For 
ten  years  it  has  pestered  my  eye  and  tortured  my  ear ; 
till  at  last  my  very  footfalls  time  themselves  to  the 
brain-racking  rhythm  of  Simon  Lathers !  —  Simon 
Lathers  /  —  Simon  Lathers  /  And  now,  to  make  its 
presence  in  my  soul  eternal,  immortal,  imperishable, 
you  have  resolved  to  —  to  —  what  is  it  you  have  re- 
solved to  do?" 

4  To  go  to  Simon  Lathers  in  America  and  change 
places  with  him." 

44  What?  Deliver  the  reversion  of  the  earldom  into 
his  hands?" 

4  That  is  my  purpose." 

4  Make  this  tremendous  surrender  without  even  try- 
ing the  fantastic  case  in  the  Lords?" 

'*  Ye  —  s — "  with  hesitation  and  some  embarrass- 
ment. 

4  By  all  that  is  amazing,  I  believe  you  are  insane, 
my  son.  See  here  —  have  you  been  training  with  that 
ass  again  —  that  radical,  if  you  prefer  the  term,  though 


The  American  Claimant  13 

the  words    are    synonymous  —  Lord   Tanzy  of  Toll- 
mache?" 

The  son  did  not  reply,  and  the  old  lord  continued : 
14  Yes,  you  confess.  That  puppy,  that  shame  to  his 
birth  and  caste,  who  holds  all  hereditary  lordships  and 
privilege  to  be  usurpation,  all  nobility  a  tinsel  sham, 
all  aristocratic  institutions  a  fraud,  all  inequalities  in 
rank  a  legalized  crime  and  an  infamy,  and  no  bread 
honest  bread  that  a  man  doesn't  earn  by  his  own  work 

—  work,  pah!'* — and  the  old   patrician  brushed  im- 
aginary labor-dirt  from  his  white  hands.      "  You  have 
come  to  hold  just  those  opinions  yourself,  I  suppose," 
he  added,  with  a  sneer. 

A  faint  flush  in  the  young  man's  cheek  told  that  the 
shot  had  hit  and  hurt,  but  he  answered  with  dignity: 

"I  have.  I  say  it  without  shame  —  I  feel  none. 
And  now  my  reason  for  resolving  to  renounce  my 
heirship  without  resistance  is  explained.  I  wish  to 
retire  from  what  to  me  is  a  false  existence,  a  false 
position,  and  begin  my  life  over  again  —  begin  it  right 

—  begin  it  on  the  level  of  mere  manhood,  unassisted 
by  factitious  aids,  and  succeed  or  fail  by  pure  merit  or 
the  want  of  it.     I  will  go  to  America,  where  all  men 
are  equal  and  all  have  an  equal  chance ;  I  will  live  or  die, 
sink  or  swim,  win  or  lose  as  just  a  man  —  that  alone, 
and  not  a  single  helping  gaud  or  fiction  back  of  it." 

'  Hear,  hear!'1  The  two  men  looked  each  other 
steadily  in  the  eye  a  moment  or  two ;  then  the  elder 
one  added,  musingly,  "  Ab-so-lutely  cra-zy  —  ab-so- 
lutely!"  After  another  silence,  he  said,  as  one  who, 
long  troubled  by  clouds,  detects  a  ray  of  sunshine, 
'  Well,  there  will  be  one  satisfaction  —  Simon  Lathers 
will  come  here  to  enter  into  his  own,  and  I  will  drown 
him  in  the  horse-pond.1  The  poor  devil — always  so 
humble  in  his  letters,  so  pitiful,  so  deferential;  so 
steeped  in  reverence  for  our  great  line  and  lofty 

2A 


14  The  American  Claimant 

station;  so  anxious  to  placate  us,  so  prayerful  for 
recognition  as  a  relative,  a  bearer  in  his  veins  of  our 
sacred  blood  —  and  withal  so  poor,  so  needy,  so 
threadbare  and  pauper-shod  as  to  raiment,  so  despised, 
so  laughed  at  for  his  silly  claimantship  by  the  lewd 
American  scum  around  him  —  ach,  the  vulgar,  crawl- 
ing, insufferable  tramp  !  To  read  one  of  his  cringing, 
nauseating  letters  —  Well  ?" 

This  to  a  splendid  flunky,  all  in  inflamed  plush  and 
buttons  and  knee-breeches  as  to  his  trunk,  and  a  glint- 
ing white  frost-work  of  ground-glass  paste  as  to  his 
head,  who  stood  with  his  heels  together  and  the  upper 
half  of  him  bent  forward,  a  salver  in  his  hands. 

"The  letters,  my  lord." 

My  lord  took  them,  and  the  servant  disappeared. 

11  Among  the  rest,  an  American  letter.  From  the 
tramp,  of  course.  Jove,  but  here's  a  change !  No 
brown-paper  envelope  this  time,  filched  from  a  shop 
and  carrying  the  shop's  advertisement  in  the  corner. 
Oh,  no ;  a  proper  enough  envelope  —  with  a  most 
ostentatiously  broad  mourning  border  —  for  his  cat, 
perhaps,  since  he  was  a  bachelor  —  and  fastened  with 
red  wax  —  a  batch  cf  it  as  big  as  a  half-crown  —  and 
—  and  —  our  crest  for  a  seal !  • —  motto  and  all.  Anc 
the  ignorant,  sprawling  hand  is  gone;  he  sports  a 
secretary,  evidently —  a  secretary  with  a  most  confi- 
dent swing  and  nourish  to  his  pen.  Oh,  indeed,  our 
fortunes  are  improving  over  there  —  our  meek  tramp 
has  undergone  a  metamorphosis." 

"  Read  it,  my  lord,  please." 

"  Yes,  this  time  I  will.     For  the  sake  of  the  cat: 

14,042  SIXTEENTH  STREET, 

WASHINGTON,  May  2. 
My  Lord— 

It  is  my  painful  duty  to  announce  to  you  that  the  head  of  our  illustrious 
house  is  no  more  — The  Right  Honorable,  The  Most  Noble,  The  Most 


The  American  Claimant  15 

Puissant  Simon  Lathers  Lord  Rossmore  having  departed  this  life  ("Gone 
at  last  —  this  is  unspeakably  precious  news,  my  son,")  at  his  seat  in  the 
environs  of  the  hamlet  of  Duffy's  Corners  in  the  grand  old  State  oi 
Arkansas  —  and  his  twin  brother  with  him,  both  being  crushed  by  a  log  at 
a  smoke-house  raising,  owing  to  carelessness  on  the  part  of  all  present, 
referable  to  over- confidence  and  gaiety  induced  by  overplus  of  sour-mash  — 
("  Extolled  be  sour-mash,  whatever  that  maybe,  eh,  Berkeley?  ")  five  days 
ago,  with  no  scion  of  our  ancient  race  present  to  close  his  eyes  and  inter 
him  with  the  honors  due  his  historic  name  and  lofty  rank  —  in  fact,  he  is 
on  the  ice  yet,  him  and  his  brother — friends  took  up  a  collection  for  it. 
But  I  shall  take  immediate  occasion  to  have  their  noble  remains  shipped  to 
you  ("Great  heavens!  ")  for  interment,  with  due  ceremonies  and  solemni- 
ties, in  the  family  vault  or  mausoleum  of  our  house.  Meantime  I  shall  put 
up  a  pair  of  hatchments  on  my  house-front,  and  you  will  of  course  do  the 
same  at  your  several  seats. 

I  have  also  to  remind  you  that  by  this  sad  disaster  I,  as  sole  heir,  in- 
herit and  become  seized  of  all  the  titles,  honors,  lands,  and  goods  of  our 
lamented  relative,  and  must  of  necessity,  painful  as  the  duty  is,  shortly 
require  at  the  bar  of  the  Lords  restitution  of  these  dignities  and  properties 
now  illegally  enjoyed  by  your  titular  lordship. 

With  assurance  of  my  distinguished  consideration  and  warm  cousinly 
regard,  I  remain 

Your  titular  lordship's 

Most  obedient  servant, 

Mulberry  Sellers  Earl  Rossmore. 

'"  Im-mense !  Come,  this  one's  interesting.  Why, 
Berkeley,  his  breezy  impudence  is  —  is  —  why,  it's 
colossal,  it's  sublime." 

"  No,  this  one  doesn't  seem  to  cringe  much." 
"  Cringe  —  why,  he  doesn't  know  the  meaning  of 
the  word.  Hatchments  !  To  commemorate  that  snivel- 
ing tramp  and  his  fraternal  duplicate.  And  he  is  going 
to  send  me  the  remains.  The  late  Claimant  was  a 
fool,  but  plainly  this  new  one's  a  maniac.  What  a 
name!  Mulberry  Sellers  —  there's  music  for  you. 
Simon  Lathers  —  Mulberry  Sellers  —  Mulberry  Sellers 
• —  Simon  Lathers.  Sounds  like  machinery  working 


16  The  American  Claimant 

and  churning.  Simon  Lathers,  Mulberry  Se$  ^-  Are 
you  going?" 

"  If  I  have  your  leave,  father." 

The  old  gentleman  stood  musing  some  time  after  his 
son  was  gone.  This  was  his  thought: 

"  He  is  a  good  boy,  and  lovable.  Let  him  take  his 
own  course  —  as  it  would  profit  nothing  to  oppose  him 
—  make  things  worse,  in  fact.  My  arguments  and  his 
aunt's  persuasions  have  failed ;  let  us  see  what  America 
can  do  for  us.  Let  us  see  what  equality  and  hard 
times  can  effect  for  the  mental  health  of  a  brain-sick 
young  British  lord.  Going  to  renounce  his  lordship 
and  be  a  man!  Yasl" 


CHAPTER   II. 

COLONEL  MULBERRY  SELLERS  —  this  was  some 
V^  days  before  he  wrote  his  letter  to  Lord  Rossmore 
—  was  seated  in  his  "library,"  which  was  also  his 
"  drawing-room  "  and  was  also  his  "  picture-gallery" 
and  likewise  his  "workshop."  Sometimes  he  called 
it  by  one  of  these  names,  sometimes  by  another,  ac- 
cording to  occasion  and  circumstance.  He  was  con- 
structing what  seemed  to  be  some  kind  of  a  frail 
mechanical  toy,  and  was  apparently  very  much  inter- 
ested in  his  work.  He  was  a  white-headed  man  now, 
but  otherwise  he  was  as  young,  alert,  buoyant,  vision- 
ary, and  enterprising  as  ever.  His  loving  old  wife  sat 
near  by,  contentedly  knitting  and  thinking,  with  a  cat 
asleep  in  her  lap.  The  room  was  large,  light,  and  had 
a  comfortable  look,  in  fact,  a  homelike  look,  though 
the  furniture  was  of  a  humble  sort  and  not  over- 
abundant, and  the  knickknacks  and  things  that  go  to 
adorn  a  living-room  not  plenty  and  not  costly.  But 
there  were  natural  flowers,  and  there  was  an  abstract 
and  unclassifiable  something  about  the  place  which  be- 
trayed the  presence  in  the  house  of  somebody  with  a 
happy  taste  and  an  effective  touch. 

Even  the  deadly  chromos  on  the  walls  were  somehow 
without  offense ;  in  fact,  they  seemed  to  belong  there 
and  to  add  an  attraction  to  the  room  —  a  fascination, 
anyway ;  for  whoever  got  his  eye  on  one  of  them  was 
like  to  gaze  and  suffer  till  he  died  —  you  have  seen 

Ci7) 


18  The  American  Claimant 

that  kind  of  pictures.  Some  of  these  terrors  were 
landscapes,  and  some  libeled  the  sea,  some  were  osten- 
sible portraits,  all  were  crimes.  All  the  portraits  were 
recognizable  as  dead  Americans  of  distinction,  and 
yet,  through  labeling  added  by  a  daring  hand,  they 
were  all  doing  duty  here  as  "  Earls  of  Rossmore." 
The  newest  one  had  left  the  works  as  Andrew  Jackson, 
but  was  doing  its  best  now  as  "  Simon  Lathers  Lord 
Rossmore,  Present  Earl."  On  one  wall  was  a  cheap 
old  railroad  map  of  Warwickshire.  This  had  been 
newly  labeled  "  The  Rossmore  Estates."  On  the  op- 
posite wall  was  another  map,  and  this  was  the  most  im- 
posing decoration  of  the  establishment  and  the  first  to 
catch  a  stranger's  attention,  because  of  its  great  size. 
It  had  once  borne  simply  the  title  SIBERIA  :  but  now 
the  word  "  FUTURE  "  had  been  written  in  front  of  that 
word.  There  were  other  additions  in  red  ink  —  many 
cities,  with  great  populations  set  down,  scattered  over 
the  vast  country  at  points  where  neither  cities  nor 
populations  exist  to-day.  One  of  these  cities,  with 
population  placed  at  1,500,000,  bore  the  name 
"  Libertyorloffskoizalinski,"  and  there  was  a  still  more 
populous  one,  centrally  located  and  marked  "  Capital," 
which  bore  the  name  "  Freedomolovnaivanovich." 

The  "  mansion  " — the  Colonel's  usual  name  for  the 
house  — •  was  a  rickety  old  two-story  frame  of  consider- 
able size,  which  had  been  painted,  some  time  or  other, 
but  had  nearly  forgotten  it.  It  was  away  out  in  the 
ragged  edge  of  Washington,  and  had  once  been  some- 
body's country  place.  It  had  a  neglected  yard  around 
it,  with  a  paling  fence  that  needed  straightening  up  in 
places,  and  a  gate  that  would  stay  shut.  By  the  door- 
post were  several  modest  tin  signs.  "Col.  Mulberry 
Sellers,  Attorney  at  Law  and  Claim  Agent,"  was  the 
principal  one.  One  learned  from  the  others  that  the 
Colonel  was  a  Materializer,  a  Hypnotizer,  a  Mind-Cure 


The  American  Claimant  19 

dabbler,  and  so  on.  For  he  was  a  man  who  could 
always  find  things  to  do. 

A  white-headed  negro  man,  with  spectacles  and 
damaged  white-cotton  gloves,  appeared  in  the  presence, 
made  a  stately  obeisance,  and  announced : 

"  Marse  Washington  Hawkins,  suh." 

"  Great  Scott!     Show  him  in  Dan'l,  show  him  in." 

The  Colonel  and  his  wife  were  on  their  feet  in  a  mo- 
ment, and  the  next  moment  were  joyfully  wringing  the 
hands  of  a  stoutish,  discouraged-looking  man  whose 
general  aspect  suggested  that  he  was  fifty  years  old, 
but  whose  hair  swore  to  a  hundred. 

"  Well,  well,  well,  Washington,  my  boy,  it  is  good 
to  look  at  you  again.  Sit  down,  sit  down,  and  make 
yourself  at  home.  There,  now  —  why,  you  look  per- 
fectly natural;  aging  a  little,  just  a  little,  but  you'd 
have  known  him  anywhere,  wouldn't  you,  Polly?" 

"  Oh,  yes,  Berry,  he's  just  like  his  pa  would  have 
looked  if  he'd  lived.  Dear,  dear,  where  have  you 
dropped  from?  Let  me  see,  how  long  is  it  since — " 

1  I  should  say  it's  all  of  fifteen  years,  Mrs.  Sellers." 

4  Well,  well,  how  time  does  get  away  with  us.  Yes, 
and  oh,  the  changes  that — " 

There  was  a  sudden  catch  of  her  voice  and  a  trem- 
bling of  the  lip,  the  men  waiting  reverently  for  her  to 
get  command  of  herself  and  go  on ;  but  after  a  little 
struggle  she  turned  away,  with  her  apron  to  her  eyes, 
and  softly  disappeared. 

"  Seeing  you  made  her  think  of  the  children,  poor 
thing  —  dear,  dear,  they're  all  dead  but  the  youngest. 
But  banish  care,  it's  no  time  for  it  now  —  on  with  the 
dance,  let  joy  be  unconfined  is  my  motto,  whether 
there's  any  dance  to  dance,  or  any  joy  to  unconfine  — 
you'll  be  the  healthier  for  it  every  time  —  every  time, 
Washington  —  it's  my  experience,  and  I've  seen  a 
good  deal  of  this  world.  Come  —  where  have  you 
B*** 


20  The  American  Claimant 

disappeared  to  all  these  years,  and  are  you  from  there 
now,  or  where  are  you  from?" 

14  I  don't  quite  think  you  would  ever  guess,  Colonel. 
Cherokee  Strip." 

14  My  land!" 

44  Sure  as  you  live." 
4  You  can't  mean  it.     Actually  living  out  there?" 

44  Well,  yes,  if  a  body  may  call  it  that;  though  it's 
a  pretty  strong  term  for  'dobies  and  jackass  rabbits, 
boiled  beans  and  slapjacks,  depression,  withered  hopes, 
poverty  in  all  its  varieties  — ' ' 

44  Louise  out  there?"         j 

44  Yes,  and  the  children.'? 

44  Out  there  now?"        J 

44  Yes,  I  couldn'.t  afford  to  bring  them  with  me." 

44  Oh,  I  see;  you  had  to  come  —  claim  against  the 
government.  Make  yourself  perfectly  easy  —  I'll  take 
care  of  that." 

44  But  it  isn't  a  claim  against  the  government." 

4 'No?  Want  to  be  postmaster?  That'saft.  right. 
Leave  it  to  me.  I'll  fix  it." 

44  But  it  isn't  postmaster  —  you're  all  astray  yet." 

44  Well,  good  gracious,  Washington,  why  don't  you 
come  out  and  tell  me  what  it  is?  What  do  you  want 
to  be  so  reserved  and  distrustful  with  an  old  friend  like 
me  for?  Don't  you  reckon  I  can  keep  a  se  — " 

4  There's  no  secret  about  it  —  you  merely  don't 
give  me  a  chance  to  -— ' ' 

44  Now  look  here,  old  friend,  I  know  the  human 
race ;  and  I  know  that  when  a  man  comes  to  Washing- 
ton, I  don't  care  if  it's  from  heaven,  let  alone  Cherokee 
Strip,  it's  because  he  wants  something.  And  I  know 
that  as  a  rule  he's  not  going  to  get  it;  that  he'll  stay 
and  try  for  another  thing  and  won't  get  that;  the  same 
luck  with  the  next  and  the  next  and  the  next ;  and 
keeps  on  till  he  strikes  bottom,  and  is  too  poor  and 


The  American  Claimant  21 

ashamed  to  go  back,  even  to  Cherokee  Strip ;  and  at 
last  his  heart  breaks  and  they  take  up  a  collection  and 
bury  him.  There  —  don't  interrupt  me,  I  know  what 
I'm  talking  about.  Happy  and  prosperous  in  the  Far 
West,  wasn't  I?  You  know  that.  Principal  citizen  of 
Hawkeye,  looked  up  to  by  everybody,  kind  of  an 
autocrat —  actually  a  kind  of  an  autocrat,  Washington. 
Well,  nothing  would  do  but  I  must  go  Minister  to  St. 
James,  the  governor  and  everybody  insisting,  you 
know,  and  so  at  last  I  consented  —  no  getting  out  of 
it,  had  to  do  it,  so  here  I  came.  A  day  too  late, 
Washington.  Think  of  that  —  what  little  things  change 
the  world's  history  —  yes,  sir,  the  place  had  been  filled. 
Well,  there  I  was,  you  see.  I  offered  to  compromise 
and  go  to  Paris.  The  President  was  very  sorry  and  all 
that,  but  that  place,  you  see,  didn't  belong  to  the 
West,  so  there  I  was  again.  There  was  no  help  for  it, 
so  I  had  to  stoop  a  little  —  we  all  reach  the  day  some 
time  or  other  when  we've  got  to  do  that,  Washington, 
and  it's  not  a  bad  thing  for  us,  either,  take  it  by  and 
large  and  all  around  —  I  had  to  stoop  a  little  and  offer 
to  take  Constantinople.  Washington,  consider  this  — 
for  it's  perfectly  true  —  within  a  month  I  asked  for 
China ;  within  another  month  I  begged  for  Japan ;  one 
year  later  I  was  away  down,  down,  down,  supplicating 
with  tears  and  anguish  for  the  bottom  office  in  the  gift 
of  the  Government  of  the  United  States  —  Flint- Picker 
in  the  cellars  of  the  War  Department.  And,  by 
George,  I  didn't  get  it!" 

14  Flint-Picker?" 

"  Yes.  Office  established  in  the  time  of  the  Revolu- 
tion, last  century.  The  musket-flints  for  the  military 
posts  were  supplied  from  the  capital.  They  do  it  yet; 
for  although  the  flint-arm  has  gone  out  and  the  forts 
have  tumbled  down,  the  decree  hasn't  been  repealed  — 
been  overlooked  and  forgotten,  you  see  —  and  so  the 


22  The  American  Claimant 

vacancies  where  old  Ticonderoga  and  others  used  to 
stand  still  get  their  six  quarts  of  gun-flints  a  year  just 
the  same." 

Washington  said,  musingly,  after  a  pause: 

*  *  How  strange  it  seems  —  to  start  for  Minister  to 
England  at  twenty  thousand  a  year  and  fail  for  Flint- 
Picker  at—  " 

"  Three  dollars  a  week.  It's  human  life,  Washing- 
ton—  just  an  epitome  of  human  ambition,  and  strug- 
gle, and  the  outcome ;  you  aim  for  the  palace  and  get 
drowned  in  the  sewer." 

There  was  another  meditative  silence.  Then  Wash- 
ington said,  with  earnest  compassion  in  his  voice: 

11  And  so,  after  coming  here,  against  your  inclina- 
tion, to  satisfy  your  sense  of  patriotic  duty  and  ap- 
pease a  selfish  public  clamor,  you  get  absolutely  noth- 
ing for  it." 

"  Nothing?"  The  Colonel  had  to  get  up  and  stand 
to  get  room  for  his  amazement  to  expand.  "  Nothing, 
Washington?  I  ask  you  this:  to  be  a  Perpetual  Mem- 
ber and  the  only  Perpetual  Member  of  a  Diplomatic 
Body  accredited  to  the  greatest  country  on  earth  —  do 
you  call  that  nothing?" 

It  was  Washington's  turn  to  be  amazed.  He  was 
stricken  dumb ;  but  the  wide-eyed  wonder,  the  reverent 
admiration  expressed  in  his  face  were  more  eloquent 
than  any  words  could  have  been.  The  Colonel's 
wounded  spirit  was  healed,  and  he  resumed  his  seat 
pleased  and  content.  He  leaned  forward  and  said, 
impressively : 

"  What  was  due  to  a  man  who  had  become  forever 
conspicuous  by  an  experience  without  precedent  in  the 
history  of  the  world  ?  —  a  man  made  permanently  and 
diplomatically  sacred,  so  to  speak,  by  having  been 
connected,  temporarily,  through  solicitation,  with  every 
single  diplomatic  post  in  the  roster  of  this  government, 


The  American  Claimant  23 

from  Envoy  Extraordinary  and  Minister  Plenipotentiary 
to  the  Court  of  St.  James,  all  the  way  down  to  Consul 
to  a  guano  rock  in  the  Straits  of  Sunda  —  salary  pay- 
able in  guano  —  which  disappeared  by  volcanic  convul- 
sion the  day  before  they  got  down  to  my  name  in  the 
list  of  applicants.  Certainly  something  august  enough 
to  be  answerable  to  the  size  of  this  unique  and  memor- 
able experience  was  my  due,  and  I  got  it.  By  the 
common  voice  of  this  community,  by  acclamation  of 
the  people,  that  mighty  utterance  which  brushes  aside 
laws  and  legislation,  and  from  whose  decrees  there  is 
no  appeal,  I  was  named  Perpetual  Member  of  the 
Diplomatic  Body  representing  the  multifarious  sover- 
eignties and  civilizations  of  the  globe  near  the  repub- 
lican court  of  the  United  States  of  America.  And 
they  brought  me  home  with  a  torchlight  procession." 

"  It  is  wonderful,  Colonel,  simply  wonderful." 
'  It's  the  loftiest  official  position  in  the  whole  earth." 

"  I  should  think  so  —  and  the  most  commanding." 
1  You  have  named  the  word.    Think  of  it.    I  frown, 
and  there  is  war ;   I  smile,  and  contending  nations  lay 
down  their  arms." 

"  It  is  awful.     The  responsibility,  I  mean." 

11  It  is  nothing.  Responsibility  is  no  burden  to  me; 
I  am  used  to  it;  have  always  been  used  to  it." 

1 '  And  the  work  —  the  work !  Do  you  have  to 
attend  all  the  sittings?" 

"  Who,  I?  Does  the  Emperor  of  Russia  attend  the 
conclaves  of  the  governors  of  the  provinces?  He  sits 
at  home  and  indicates  his  pleasure." 

Washington  was  silent  a  moment,  then  a  deep  sigh 
escaped  him. 

*  How  proud  I  was  an  hour  ago;  how  paltry  seems 
my  little  promotion  now!  Colonel,  the  reason  I  came 
to  Washington  is  —  I  am  Congressional  Delegate  from 
Cherokee  Strip!" 


24  The  American  Claimant 

The  Colonel  sprang  to  his  feet,  and  broke  out,  with 
prodigious  enthusiasm : 

"Give  me  your  hand,  my  boy  —  this  is  immense 
news!  I  congratulate  you  with  all  my  heart.  My 
prophecies  stand  confirmed.  I  always  said  it  was  in 
you.  I  always  said  you  were  born  for  high  distinction 
and  would  achieve  it.  You  ask  Polly  if  I  didn't." 

Washington  was  dazed  by  this  most  unexpected 
demonstration. 

"  Why,  Colonel,  there's  nothing  to  it.  That  little, 
narrow,  desolate,  unpeopled,  oblong  streak  of  grass 
and  gravel,  lost  in  the  remote  wastes  of  the  vast  con- 
tinent—  why,  it's  like  representing  a  billiard-table  —  a 
discarded  one." 

1  Tut-tut,  it's  a  great,  it's  a  staving  preferment,  and 
just  opulent  with  influence  here." 

14  Shucks,  Colonel,  I  haven't  even  a  vote." 
1  That's  nothing;  you  can  make  speeches." 

"  No,  I  can't.  The  population's  only  two  hun- 
dred — " 

*  That's  all  right,  that's  all  right—" 

'*  And  they  hadn't  any  right  to  elect  me;  we're  not 
even  a  Territory,  there's  no  Organic  Act,  the  govern- 
ment hasn't  any  official  knowledge  of  us  whatever." 

"Never  mind  about  that;  I'll  fix  that.  I'll  rush 
the  thing  through;  I'll  get  you  organized  in  no  time." 

"  Will  you,  Colonel?  —  it's  too  good  of  you;  but 
it's  just  your  old  sterling  self,  the  same  old  ever-faithful 
friend,"  and  the  grateful  tears  welled  up  in  Washing- 
ton's eyes. 

"  It's  just  as  good  as  done,  my  boy,  just  as  good  as 
done.  Shake  hands.  We'll  hitch  teams  together,  you 
and  I,  and  we'll  make  things  hum!" 


CHAPTER   III. 

MRS.  SELLERS  returned  now  with  her  composure 
restored,  and  began  to  ask  after  Hawkins'  wife, 
and  about  his  children,  and  the  number  of  them,  and 
so  on,  and  her  examination  of  the  witness  resulted  in  a 
circumstantial  history  of  the  family's  ups  and  downs 
and  driftings  to  and  fro  in  the  Far  West  during  the 
previous  fifteen  years.  There  was  a  message  now  from 
out  back,  and  Colonel  Sellers  went  out  there  in  answer 
to  it.  Hawkins  took  this  opportunity  to  ask  how  the 
world  had  been  using  the  Colonel  during  the  past  half- 
generation. 

"Oh,  its  been  using  him  just  the  same;  it  couldn't 
change  its  way  of  using  him  if  it  wanted  to,  for  he 
wouldn't  let  it." 

"  I  can  easily  believe  that,  Mrs.  Sellers." 

"  Yes,  you  see,  he  doesn't  change,  himself—  not 
the  least  little  bit  in  the  world ;  he's  always  Mulberry 
Sellers.'1 

"  I  can  see  that  plain  enough." 

"Just  the  same  old  scheming,  generous,  good- 
hearted,  moonshiny,  hopeful,  no-account  failure  he 
always  was,  and  still  everybody  likes  him  just  as  well 
as  if  he  was  the  shiningest  success." 

"  They  always  did ;  and  it  was  natural,  because  he 
was  so  obliging  and  accommodating,  and  had  some- 
tuing  about  him  that  made  it  kind  of  easy  to  ask  help 
of  him,  or  favors  —  you  didn't  feel  shy,  you  know,  or 

(25) 


26  The  American  Claimant 

have  that  wish-you-didn't-have-to-try  feeling  that  you 
have  with  other  people." 

It's  just  so  yet;  and  a  body  wonders  at  it,  too, 
because  he's  been  shamefully  treated,  many  times,  by 
people  that  had  used  him  for  a  ladder  to  climb  up  by, 
and  then  kicked  him  down  when  they  didn't  need  him 
any  more.  For  a  time  you  can  see  he's  hurt,  his  i 
pride's  wounded,  because  he  shrinks  away  from  that 
thing  and  don't  want  to  talk  about  it — and  so  I  used 
to  think  now  he's  learned  something  and  he'll  be  more 
careful  hereafter  —  but  laws  !  in  a  couple  of  weeks  he's 
forgotten  all  about  it,  and  any  selfish  tramp  out  of 
nobody  knows  where  can  come  and  put  up  a  poor 
mouth  and  walk  right  into  his  heart  with  his  boots  on." 

"  It  must  try  your  patience  pretty  sharply  some- 
times." 

"  Oh,  no,  I'm  used  to  it;  and  I'd  rather  have  him 
so  than  the  other  way.  When  I  call  him  a  failure,  I 
mean  to  the  world  he's  a  failure;  he  isn't  to  me.  I 
don't  know  as  I  want  him  different  —  much  different, 
anyway.  I  have  to  scold  him  some,  snarl  at  him,  you 
might  even  call  it,  but  I  reckon  I'd  do  that  just  the 
same  if  he  was  different  —  it's  my  make.  But  I'm  a 
good  deal  less  snarly  and  more  contented  when  he's  a 
failure  than  I  am  when  he  isn't." 

*  Then  he    isn't  always   a  failure,"   said  Hawkins, 
brightening. 

"  Him?  Oh,  bless  you,  no.  He  makes  a  strike,  as 
he  calls  it,  from  time  to  time.  Then's  my  time  to  fret 
and  fuss.  For  the  money  just  flies  —  first  come  first 
served.  Straight  off,  he  loads  up  the  house  with  crip- 
ples and  idiots  and  stray  cats  and  all  the  different  kinds 
of  poor  wrecks  that  other  people  don't  want  and  he 
does,  and  then  when  the  poverty  comes  again  I've  got 
to  clear  the  most  of  them  out  or  we'd  starve;  and  that 
distresses  him,  and  me  the  same,  of  course.  Here'§ 


The  American  Claimant  27 

old  Dan'l  and  old  Jinny,  that  the  sheriff  sold  South 
one  of  the  times  that  we  got  bankrupted  before  the 
war  —  they  came  wandering  back  after  the  peace,  worn 
out  and  used  up  on  the  cotton  plantations,  helpless,  and 
not  another  lick  of  work  left  in  their  old  hides  for  the 
rest  of  this  earthly  pilgrimage  —  and  we  so  pinched, 
ok,  so  pinched  for  the  very  crumbs  to  keep  life  in  us, 
and  he  just  flung  the  door  wide,  and  the  way  he 
received  them  you'd  have  thought  they  had  come 
straight  down  from  heaven  in  answer  to  prayer.  I 
took  him  one  side  and  said,  '  Mulberry,  we  can't  have 
them  —  we've  nothing  for  ourselves  —  we  can't  feed 
them.'  He  looked  at  me  kind  of  hurt,  and  said, 
'  Turn  them  out? —  and  they've  come  to  me  just  as 
confident  and  trusting  as  —  as  —  why,  Polly,  I  must 
have  bought  that  confidence  some  time  or  other  a  long 
time  ago,  and  given  my  note,  so  to  speak  —  you  don't 
get  such  things  as  a  gift  —  and  how  am  I  going  to  go 
back  on  a  debt  like  that?  And  you  see,  they're  so 
poor,  and  old,  and  friendless,  and  — '  But  I  was 
ashamed  by  that  time,  and  shut  him  off,  and  somehow 
felt  a  new  courage  in  me,  and  so  I  said,  softly,  '  We'll 
keep  them  —  the  Lord  will  provide.'  He  was  glad, 
and  started  to  blurt  out  one  of  those  over-confident 
speeches  of  his,  but  checked  himself  in  time,  and  said 
humbly,  '  /will,  anyway.'  It  was  years  and  years  and 
years  ago.  Well,  you  see  those  old  wrecks  are  here 
yet." 

11  But  don't  they  do  your  housework?" 
"  Laws  !  The  idea.  They  would  if  they  could,  poor 
old  things,  and  perhaps  they  think  they  do  do  some  of 
it.  But  it's  a  superstition.  Dan'l  waits  on  the  front 
door,  and  sometimes  goes  on  an  errand;  and  some- 
times you'll  see  one  or  both  of  them  letting  on  to  dust 
around  in  here  —  but  that's  because  there's  something 
they  want  to  hear  about  and  mix  their  gabble  into. 


28  The  American  Claimant 

And  they're  always  around  at  meals,  for  the  same 
reason.  But  the  fact  is,  we  have  to  keep  a  young 
negro  girl  just  to  take  care  of  them,  and  a  negro 
woman  to  do  the  housework  and  help  take  care  of 
them.0 

"  Well,  they  ought  to  be  tolerably  happy,  I  should 
think." 

44  It's  no  name  for  it.  They  quarrel  together  pretty 
much  all  the  time  —  most  always  about  religion,  be- 
cause DanTs  a  Dunker  Baptist  and  Jinny's  a  shouting 
Methodist,  and  Jinny  believes  in  special  Providences 
and  Dan'l  don't,  because  he  thinks  he's  a  kind  of  a 
free-thinker  —  and  they  play  and  sing  plantation  hymns 
together,  and  talk  and  chatter  just  eternally  and  for- 
ever, and  are  sincerely  fond  of  each  other  and  think  the 
world  of  Mulberry,  and  he  puts  up  patiently  with  all 
their  spoiled  ways  and  foolishness,  and  so  —  ah,  well, 
they're  happy  enough  if  it  comes  to  that.  And  I  don't 
mind  —  I've  got  used  to  it.  I  can  get  used  to  any- 
thing, with  Mulberry  to  help ;  and  the  fact  is,  I  don't 
much  care  what  happens,  so  long  as  he's  spared  to 
me." 

"  Well,  here's  to  him,  and  hoping  he'll  make  an- 
other strike  soon." 

"  And  rake  in  the  lame,  the  halt,  and  the  blind,  and 
turn  the  house  into  a  hospital  again?  It's  what  he 
would  do.  I've  seen  a  plenty  of  that  and  more.  No, 
Washington,  I  want  his  strikes  to  be  mighty  moderate 
ones  the  rest  of  the  way  down  the  vale." 

44  Well,  then,  big  strike  or  little  strike,  or  no  strike 
at  all,  here's  hoping  he'll  never  lack  for  friends  —  and 
I  don't  reckon  he  ever  will  while  there's  people  around 
who  know  enough  to  — ' ' 

44  Him  lack  for  friends!"  and  she  tilted  her  head 
up  with  a  frank  pride — 44  why,  Washington,  you  can't 
name  a  man  that's  anybody  that  isn't  fond  of  him. 


The  American  Claimant  29 

I'll  tell  you  privately  that  I've  had  Satan's  own  time 
to  keep  them  from  appointing  him  to  some  office  or 
other.  They  knew  he'd  no  business  with  an  office, 
just  as  well  as  I  did,  but  he's  the  hardest  man  to  refuse 
anything  to  a  body  ever  saw.  Mulberry  Sellers  with 
an  office !  laws  goodness,  you  know  what  that  would 
be  like.  Why,  they'd  come  from  the  ends  of  the 
earth  to  see  a  circus  like  that.  I'd  just  as  lieves  be 
married  to  Niagara  Falls,  and  done  with  it."  After  a 
reflective  pause  she  added  —  having  wandered  back,  in 
the  interval,  to  the  remark  that  had  been  her  text: 
"  Friends?  —  oh,  indeed,  no  man  ever  had  more;  and 
suc/z  friends:  Grant,  Sherman,  Sheridan,  Johnston, 
Longstreet,  Lee  —  many's  the  time  they've  sat  in  that 
chair  you're  sitting  in — "  Hawkins  was  out  of  it 
instantly,  and  contemplating  it  with  a  reverential  sur- 
prise, and  with  the  awed  sense  of  having  trodden  shod 
upon  holy  ground : 

11  They  r  he  said. 

"  Oh,  indeed,  yes,  a  many  and  a  many  a  time.'"' 

He  continued  to  gaze  at  the  chair,  fascinated,  mag- 
netized ;  and  for  once  in  his  life  that  continental  stretch 
of  dry  prairie  which  stood  for  his  imagination  was  afire, 
and  across  it  was  marching  a  slanting  flame-front  that 
joined  its  wide  horizons  together  and  smothered  the 
skies  with  smoke.  He  was  experiencing  what  one  or 
another  drowsing,  geographically  ignorant  alien  experi- 
ences every  day  in  the  year  when  he  turns  a  dull  and 
indifferent  eye  out  of  the  car  window  and  it  falls  upon 
a  certain  station-sign  which  reads,  4<  Stratford-on- 
Avon!"  Mrs.  Sellers  went  gossiping  comfortably 
along : 

"  Oh,  they  like  to  hear  him  talk,  especially  if  their 
load  is  getting  rather  heavy  on  one  shoulder  and  they 
want  to  shift  it.  He's  all  air,  you  know  —  breeze,  you 
may  say  —  and  he  freshens  them  up;  it's  a  trip  to  the 

3A 


30  The  American  Claimant 

country,  they  say.  Many  a  time  he's  made  General 
Grant  laugh  —  and  that's  a  tidy  job,  I  can  tell  you; 
and  as  for  Sheridan,  his  eye  lights  up  and  he  listens  to 
Mulberry  Sellers  the  same  as  if  he  was  artillery.  You 
see,  the  charm  about  Mulberry  is,  he  is  so  catholic  and 
unprejudiced  that  he  fits  in  anywhere  and  everywhere. 
It  makes  him  powerful  good  company,  and  as  popular 
as  scandal.  You  go  to  the  White  House  when  the 
President's  holding  a  general  reception  —  some  time 
when  Mulberry's  there.  Why,  dear  me,  you  can't  tell 
which  of  them  it  is  that's  holding  that  reception." 

"  Well,  he  certainly  is  a  remarkable  man  —  and  he 
always  was.  Is  he  religious?" 

"Clear  to  his  marrow  —  does  more  thinking  and 
reading  on  that  subject  than  any  other,  except  Russia 
and  Siberia;  thrashes  around  over  the  whole  field,  too; 
nothing  bigoted  about  him." 

"  What  is  his  religion?" 

"  He  — "  She  stopped,  and  was  lost  for  a  moment 
or  two  in  thinking;  then  she  said,  with  simplicity,  "  I 
think  he  was  a  Mohammedan  or  something  last  week." 

Washington  started  down  town  now  to  bring  his 
trunk,  for  the  hospitable  Sellerses  would  listen  to  no 
excuses;  their  house  must  be  his  home  during  the 
session.  The  Colonel  returned  presently  and  resumed 
work  upon  his  plaything.  It  was  finished  when  Wash- 
ington got  back. 

"  There  it  is,"  said  the  Colonel,  "  all  finished." 

"  What  is  it  for,  Colonel?" 

"  Oh,  it's  just  a  trifle.    Toy  to  amuse  the  children." 

Washington  examined  it. 
'  It  seems  to  be  a  puzzle." 

'  Yes,  that's  what  it  is.     I  call  it  Pigs  in  the  Clover. 
Put  them  in  —  see  if  you  can  put  them  in  the  pen." 

After  many  failures  Washington  succeeded,  and  was 
ab  pleased  as  a  child. 


The  American  Claimant  31 

'*  It's  wonderfully  ingenious,  Colonel  —  it's  ever  so 
clever.  And  interesting  —  why,  I  could  play  with  it 
all  day.  What  are  you  going  to  do  with  it?" 

"  Oh,  nothing.      Patent  it  and  throw  it  aside.'1 

"  Don't  you  do  anything  of  the  kind.  There's 
money  in  that  thing." 

A  compassionate  look  traveled  over  the  Colonel's 
countenance,  and  he  said : 

"  Money  —  yes;  pin  money;  a  couple  of  hundred 
thousand,  perhaps.  Not  more." 

Washington's  eyes  blazed. 

"  A  couple  of  hundred  thousand  dollars!  Do  you 
call  that  pin  money?" 

The    Colonel    rose  and  tiptoed  his  way  across  the 
room,  closed  a  door  that  was  slightly  ajar,  tiptoed  his 
way  to  his  seat  again,  and  said,  under  his  breath: 
'  You  can  keep  a  secret?" 

Washington  nodded  his  affirmative ;  he  was  too  awed 
to  speak. 

' 4  You  have  heard  of  materialization  —  materializa- 
tion of  departed  spirits?" 

Washington  had  heard  of  it. 

"  And  probably  didn't  believe  in  it;  and  quite  right, 
too.  The  thing  as  practiced  by  ignorant  charlatans  is 
unworthy  of  attention  or  respect  —  where  there's  a  dim 
light  and  a  dark  cabinet,  and  a  parcel  of  sentimental 
gulls  gathered  together,  with  their  faith  and  their  shud- 
ders and  their  tears  all  ready,  and  one  and  the  same 
fatty  degeneration  of  protoplasm  and  humbug  comes 
out  and  materializes  himself  into  anybody  you  want, 
grandmother,  grandchild,  brother-in-law,  Witch  of 
Endor,  John  Milton,  Siamese  Twins,  Peter  the  Great, 
and  all  such  frantic  nonsense  —  no,  that  is  all  foolish 
and  pitiful.  But  when  a  man  that  is  competent  brings 
the  vast  powers  of  science  to  bear,  it's  a  different  matter 
—  a  totally  different  matter,  you  see.  The  specter  that 


$2  The  American  Claimant 

answers  that  call  has  come  to  stay.     Do  you  note  the 
commercial  value  of  that  detail?" 

"Well,  I  —  the  —  the  truth  is,  that  I  don't  quite 
know  that  I  do.  Do  you  mean  that  such,  being  per- 
manent, not  transitory,  would  give  more  general  satis- 
faction, and  so  enhance  the  price  of  tickets  to  the 
show — " 

"Show?  Folly  —  listen  to  me;  and  get  a  good  grip 
on  your  breath,  for  you  are  going  to  need  it.  Within 
three  days  I  shall  have  completed  my  method,  and 
then  —  let  the  world  stand  aghast,  for  it  shall  see  mar- 
vels. Washington,  within  three  days  —  ten  at  the  out- 
side —  you  shall  see  me  call  the  dead  of  any  century, 
and  they  will  arise  and  walk.  Walk?  —  they  shall 
walk  forever,  and  never  die  again.  Walk  with  all  the 
muscle  and  spring  of  their  pristine  vigor." 

11  Colonel !    Indeed,  it  does  take  one's  breath  away." 
"  Now  do  you  see  the  money  that's  in  it?" 
"  I'm  —  well,  I'm  —  not  really  sure  that  I  do." 
"  Great  Scott,  look  here!    I  shall  have  a  monopoly; 
they'll  all  belong  to  me,  won't  they?     Two  thousand 
policemen  in  the  city  of  New  York.     Wages,  four  dol- 
lars a  day.     I'll  replace  them  with  dead   ones  at  half 
the  money." 

"  Oh,  prodigious  !  I  never  thought  of  that.  F-o-u-r 
thousand  dollars  a  day.  Now  I  do  begin  to  see !  But 
will  dead  policemen  answer?" 

"  Haven't  they  —  up  to  this  time?" 
*  Well,  if  you  put  it  that  way  — " 
"Put   it  any  way  you   want  to.     Modify  it  to   suit 
yourself,  and   my  lads  shall  still  be  superior.     They 
won't  eat,  they  won't  drink  —  don't  need  those  things; 
they  won't  wink  for  cash   at  gambling-dens   and   un- 
licensed   rum-holes,    they    won't    spark    the    scullery 
maids ;   and,  moreover,  the  bands  of  toughs  that  ambus- 
cade them   on  lonely  beats  and   cowardly  shoot  and 


The  American  Claimant  33 

knife  them  will  only  damage  the  uniforms,  and  not  live 
long  enough  to  get  more  than  a  momentary  satisfaction 
out  of  that." 

"  Why,  Colonel,  if  you  can  furnish  policemen,  then 
of  course  — " 

"  Certainly  —  I  can  furnish  any  line  of  goods  that's 
wanted.  Take  the  army,  for  instance  —  now  twenty- 
five  thousand  men ;  expense,  twenty-two  millions  a 
year.  I  will  dig  up  the  Romans,  I  will  resurrect  the 
Greeks,  I  will  furnish  the  government,  for  ten  millions 
a  year,  ten  thousand  veterans  drawn  from  the  victorious 
legions  of  all  the  ages  —  soldiers  that  will  chase  Indians 
year  in  and  year  out  on  materialized  horses,  and  cost 
never  a  cent  for  rations  or  repairs.  The  armies  of 
Europe  cost  two  billions  a  year  now  —  I  will  replace 
them  all  for  a  billion.  I  will  dig  up  the  trained  states- 
men of  all  ages  and  all  climes,  and  furnish  this  country 
with  a  Congress  that  knows  enough  to  come  in  out  of 
the  rain  —  a  thing  that's  never  happened  yet  since  the 
Declaration  of  Independence,  and  never  will  happen 
till  these  practically  dead  people  are  replaced  with  the 
genuine  article.  I  will  re-stock  the  thrones  of  Europe 
with  the  best  brains  and  the  best  morals  that  all  the 
royal  sepulchers  of  all  the  centuries  can  furnish  — 
which  isn't  promising  very  much  —  and  I'll  divide  the 
wages  and  the  civil  list,  fair  and  square,  merely  taking 
my  half  and  — " 

"  Colonel,  if  the  half  of  this  is  true,  there's  millions 
in  it —  millions." 

"Billions  in  it  —  billions;  that's  what  you  mean. 
Why,  look  here;  the  thing  is  so  close  at  hand,  so 
imminent,  so  absolutely  immediate,  that  if  a  man  were 
to  come  to  me  now  and  say,  Colonel,  I  am  a  little 
short,  and  if  you  could  lend  me  a  couple  of  billion 
dollars  for  —  come  in  !" 

This  in  answer  to  a  knock.  An  energetic-looking 
3*** 


34  The  American  Claimant 

man  bustled  in  with  a  big  pocket-book  in  his  hand, 
took  a  paper  from  it  and  presented  it,  with  the  curt 
remark : 

"  Seventeenth  and  last  call  —  you  want  to  out  with 
that  three  dollars  and  forty  cents  this  time  without  fail, 
Colonel  Mulberry  Sellers." 

The  Colonel  began  to  slap  this  pocket  and  that  one, 
and  feel  here  and  there  and  everywhere,  muttering: 

'  What  have  I  done  with  that  wallet?  —  let  me  see 
—  um  —  not  here,  not  there  —  oh,  I  must  have  left  it 
in  the  kitchen;  I'll  just  run  and  — " 

"  No  you  won't  —  you'll  stay  right  where  you  are. 
And  you're  going  to  disgorge,  too  —  this  time." 

Washington  innocently  offered  to  go  and  look. 
When  he  was  gone  the  Colonel  said : 

'  The  fact  is,  I've  got  to  throw  myself  on  your  in- 
dulgence just  this  once  more,  Suggs;  you  see,  the 
remittances  I  was  expecting — " 

11  Hang  the  remittances  —  it's  too  stale  —  it  won't 
answer.  Come!" 

The  Colonel  glanced  about  him  in  despair.  Then 
his  face  lighted ;  he  ran  to  the  wall  and  began  to  dust 
off  a  peculiarly  atrocious  chromo  with  his  handker- 
chief. Then  he  brought  it  reverently,  offered  it  to  the 
collector,  averted  his  face,  and  said : 

'  Take  it,  but  don't  let  me  see  it  go.  It's  the  sole 
remaining  Rembrandt  that — " 

"  Rembrandt  be  damned;   it's  a  chromo." 

"  Oh,  don't  speak  of  it  so,  I  beg  you.  It's  the 
only  really  great  original,  the  only  supreme  example, 
of  that  mighty  school  of  art  which  — ' ' 

"  Art !     It's  the  sickest  looking  thing  I  — " 

The  Colonel  was  already  bringing  another  horror 
and  tenderly  dusting  it. 

1  Take  this  one  too  —  the  gem  of  my  collection  — 
the  only  genuine  Fra  Angelico  that  — ' ' 


The  American  Claimant  35 

"  Illuminated  liver-pad,  that's  what  it  is.  Give  it 
here  —  good  day  —  people  will  think  I've  robbed  a 
nigger  barber-shop." 

As  he  slammed  the  door  behind  him  the  Colonel 
shouted,  with  an  anguished  accent: 

"Do  please  cover  them  up  —  don't  let  the  damp 
get  at  them.  The  delicate  tints  in  the  Angelico — " 

But  the  man  was  gone. 

Washington  reappeared,  and  said  he  had  looked 
everywhere,  and  so  had  Mrs.  Sellers  and  the  servants, 
but  in  vain ;  and  went  on  to  say  he  wished  he  could 
get  his  eye  on  a  certain  man  about  this  time  —  no 
need  to  hunt  up  that  pocket-book  then.  The  Colonel's 
interest  was  awake  at  once. 

"Whatman?" 

"  One-armed  Pete  they  call  him  out  there  —  out  in 
the  Cherokee  country,  I  mean.  Robbed  the  bank  in 
Tahlequah." 

11  Do  they  have  banks  in  Tahlequah?" 
*  Yes  —  a  bank,  anyway.  He  was  suspected  of 
robbing  it.  Whoever  did  it  got  away  with  more  than 
twenty  thousand  dollars.  They  offered  a  reward  of 
five  thousand.  I  believe  I  saw  that  very  man  on  my 
way  east." 

l<No  —  is  that  so?" 

"  I  certainly  saw  a  man  on  the  train  the  first  day  I 
struck  the  railroad  that  answered  the  description  pretty 
exactly  —  at  least,  as  to  clothes  and  a  lacking  arm." 

"  Why  didn't  you  get  him  arrested  and  claim  the 
reward?" 

"  I  couldn't.  I  had  to  get  a  requisition,  of  course. 
But  I  meant  to  stay  by  him  till  I  got  my  chance." 

"Well?" 
'  Well,  he  left  the  train  during  the  night  some  time.11 

"  Oh,  hang  it,  that's  too  bad !" 

"  Not  so  very  bad,  either." 
c*** 


36  The  American  Claimant 

"Why?" 

"  Because  he  came  down  to  Baltimore  in  the  very 
train  I  was  in,  though  I  didn't  know  it  in  time.  As 
we  moved  out  of  the  station  I  saw  him  going  toward 
the  iron  gate  with  a  satchel  in  his  hand." 

"Good;  we'll  catch  him.     Let's  lay  a  plan." 

"  Send  description  to  the  Baltimore  police?" 

"  Why,  what  are  you  talking  about?  No.  Do  you 
want  them  to  get  the  reward?" 

"  What  shall  we  do,  then?" 

The  Colonel  reflected. 

"  I'll  tell  you.  Put  a  personal  in  the  Baltimore 
Sun.  Word  it  like  this: 


A. 


DROP  ME  A  LINE,  PETE  — 


"  Hold  on.     Which  arm  has  he  lost?" 
"The  right." 
"Good.     Now  then: 

A        DROP    ME    A   LINE,   PETE,   EVEN    IF    YOU    HAVE    TO 

~r*         write  with  your  left   hand.     Address  X.  Y.  Z.,  General  Post- 
office,  Washington.     From  YOU  KNOW  WHO. 

There  — that'll  fetch  him." 

' '  But  he  won't  know  who  —  will  he ?" 
11  No,  but  he'll  want  to  know,  won't  he?" 
"Why,  certainly  — I  didn't  think  of  that.     What 
made  you  think  of  it?" 

"  Knowledge  of  human  curiosity.  Strong  trait,  very 
strong  trait." 

"  Now  I'll  go  to  my  room  and  write  it  out  and  en- 
close a  dollar  and  tell  them  to  print  it  to  the  worth  of 
that" 


CHAPTER  IV. 

THE  day  wore  itself  out.  After  dinner  the  two 
friends  put  in  a  long  and  harassing  evening  try- 
ing to  decide  what  to  do  with  the  five  thousand  dollars 
reward  which  they  were  going  to  get  when  they  should 
find  One-Armed  Pete,  and  catch,  him,  and  prove  him 
to  be  the  right  person,  and  extradite  him,  and  ship 
him  to  Tahlequah  in  the  Indian  Territory.  But  there 
were  so  many  dazzling  openings  for  ready  cash  that 
they  found  it  impossible  to  make  up  their  minds  and 
keep  them  made  up.  Finally,  Mrs.  Sellers  grew  very 
weary  of  it  all,  and  said : 

41  What  is  the  sense  in  cooking  a  rabbit  before  it's 
caught?" 

Then  the  matter  was  dropped  for  the  time  being, 
and  all  went  to  bed.  Next  morning,  being  persuaded 
by  Hawkins,  the  Colonel  made  drawings  and  specifica- 
tions, and  went  down  and  applied  for  a  patent  for  his 
toy  puzzle,  and  Hawkins  took  the  toy  itself  and  started 
out  to  see  what  chance  there  might  be  to  do  something 
with  it  commercially.  He  did  not  have  to  go  far.  In 
a  small  old  wooden  shanty  which  had  once  been  occu- 
pied as  a  dwelling  by  some  humble  negro  family  he 
found  a  keen-eyed  Yankee  engaged  in  repairing  cheap 
chairs  and  other  second-hand  furniture.  This  man 
examined  the  toy  indifferently;  attempted  to  do  the 
puzzle ;  found  it  not  so  easy  as  he  had  expected ;  grew 
more  interested,  and  finally  emphatically  so ;  achieved 
a  success  at  last,  and  asked : 

(37) 


38  The  American  Claimant 

"  Is  it  patented?" 

"  Patent  applied  for." 

"  That  will  answer.     What  do  you  want  for  it?" 

l<  What  will  it  retail  for?" 

41  Well,  twenty-five  cents,  I  should  think." 

*'  What  will  you  give  for  the  exclusive  right?" 

'*  I  couldn't  give  twenty  dollars  if  I  had  to  pay  cash 
down;  but  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do.  I'll  make  it  and 
market  it,  and  pay  you  five  cents  royalty  on  each  one." 

Washington  sighed.  Another  dream  disappeared; 
no  money  in  the  thing.  So  he  said : 

"  All  right;   take  it  at  that.     Draw  me  a  paper." 

He  went  his  way  with  the  paper,  and  dropped  the 
matter  out  of  his  mind  —  dropped  it  out  to  make  room 
for  further  attempts  to  think  out  the  most  promising 
way  to  invest  his  half  of  the  reward  in  case  a  partner- 
ship investment  satisfactory  to  both  beneficiaries  could 
not  be  hit  upon. 

He  had  not  been  very  long  at  home  when  Sellers 
arrived  sodden  with  grief  and  booming  with  glad  excite- 
ment —  working  both  these  emotions  successfully, 
sometimes  separately,  sometimes  together.  He  fell 
on  Hawkins's  neck  sobbing,  and  said: 

"  Oh,  mourn  with  me,  my  friend,  mourn  for  my 
desolate  house;  death  has  smitten  my  last  kinsman, 
and  I  am  Earl  of  Rossmore  —  congratulate  me  !" 

He  turned  to  his  wife,  who  had  entered  while  this  was 
going  on,  put  his  arms  about  her,  and  said:  "You 
will  bear  up,  for  my  sake,  my  lady  —  it  had  to  happen, 
it  was  decreed." 

She  bore  up  very  well,  and  said : 

"  It's  no  great  loss.  Simon  Lathers  was  a  poor, 
well-meaning,  useless  thing  and  no  account,  and  his 
brother  never  was  worth  shucks." 

The  rightful  earl  continued : 

I   am   too    much   prostrated   by  these  conflicting 


4  * 


The  American  Claimant  39 

griefs  and  joys  to  be  able  to  concentrate  my  mind  upon 
affairs;  I  will  ask  our  good  friend  here  to  break  the 
news  by  wire  or  post  to  the  Lady  Gwendolen,  and 
instruct  her  to  — " 

•  WhatlA&y  Gwendolen?" 

"  Our  poor  daughter,  who,  alas!  — " 

"  Sally  Sellers?  Mulberry  Sellers,  are  you  losing 
your  mind?" 

4  There  —  please  do  not  forget  who  you  are,  and 
who  I  am ;  remember  your  own  dignity,  be  considerate 
also  of  mine.  It  were  best  to  cease  from  using  my 
family  name  now,  Lady  Rossmore." 

"  Goodness  gracious  !  well,  I  never !  What  am  I  to 
call  you,  then?" 

"In  private,  the  ordinary  terms  of  endearment  will 
still  be  admissible,  to  some  degree;  but  in  public  it 
will  be  more  becoming  if  your  ladyship  will  speak  to 
me  as  my  lord,  or  your  lordship,  and  of  me  as  Ross- 
more,  or  the  Earl,  or  his  Lordship,  and — " 

"  Oh,  scat!     I  can't  ever  do  it,  Berry." 

"  But,  indeed,  you  must,  my  love  —  we  must  live  up 
to  our  altered  position,  and  submit  with  what  grace  we 
may  to  its  requirements." 

4  Well,  all  right,  have  it  your  own  way;  I've  never 
set  my  wishes  against  your  commands  yet,  Mul  —  my 
lord,  and  it's  late  to  begin  now,  though  to  my  mind 
it's  the  rottenest  foolishness  that  ever  was." 

l<  Spoken  like  my  own  true  wife!  There,  kiss  and 
be  friends  again." 

'  But  —  Gwendolen  !  I  don't  know  how  I  am  ever 
going  to  stand  that  name.  Why,  a  body  wouldn't 
know  Sally  Sellers  in  it.  It's  too  large  for  her;  kind 
of  like  a  cherub  in  an  ulster,  and  it's  a  most  outlandish 
sort  of  a  name  anyway,  to  my  mind." 

4  You'll  not  hear  her  find  fault  with  it,  my  lady." 

44  That's   a   true   word.      She   takes   to   any  kind   of 


40  The  American  Claimant 

romantic  rubbish  like  she  was  born  to  it.  She  neve* 
got  it  from  me,  that's  sure.  And  sending  her  to  that 
silly  college  hasn't  helped  the  matter  any  —  just  the 
other  way." 

"  Now  hear  her,  Hawkins!  Rowena-Ivanhoe  Cof  • 
lege  is  the  selectest  and  most  aristocratic  seat  of 
learning  for  young  ladies  in  our  country.  Under  no 
circumstances  can  a  girl  get  in  there  unless  she  is  either 
very  rich  and  fashionable  or  can  prove  four  generations 
of  what  may  be  called  American  nobility.  Castellated 
college-buildings  —  towers  and  turrets  and  an  imitation 
moat  —  and  everything  about  the  place  named  out  of 
Sir  Walter  Scott's  books  and  redolent  of  royalty  and 
state  and  style ;  and  all  the  richest  girls  keep  phaetons, 
and  coachmen  in  livery,  and  riding-horses,  with  English 
grooms  in  plug  hats  and  tight-buttoned  coats,  and  top- 
boots,  and  a  whip-handle  without  any  whip  to  it,  to 
ride  sixty-three  feet  behind  them — " 

"  And  they  don't  learn  a  blessed  thing,  Washington 
Hawkins,  not  a  single  blessed  thing  but  showy  rubbish 
and  un-American  pretentiousness.  But  send  for  the 
Lady  Gwendolen  —  do ;  for  I  reckon  the  peerage  regu- 
lations require  that  she  must  come  home  and  let  on  to 
go  into  seclusion  and  mourn  for  those  Arkansas 
blatherskites  she's  lost." 

* '  My  darling !    Blatherskites  ?    Remember  —  noblesse 


"  There,   there  —  talk  to  me  in  your  own  tongue, 
Ross  —  you  don't  know  any  other,  and  you  only  botch 
it  when  you  try.     Oh,  don't  stare  —  it  was  a  slip,  and 
no  crime;   customs  of  a  lifetime  can't  be  dropped  in  a 
second.     Rossmore  —  there  now,  be  appeased,  and  go 
along  with  you   and   attend  to  Gwendolen.     Are  you 
going  to  write,  Washington?  —  or  telegraph?" 
1  He  will  telegraph,  dear." 
I  thought  as  much,"  my  lady  muttered,  as  she 


« « 


The  American  Claimant  41 

left  the  room.  "  Wants  it  so  the  address  will  have  to 
appear  on  the  envelope.  It  will  just  make  a  fool  of 
that  child.  She'll  get  it,  of  course,  for  if  there  are  any 
other  Sellerses  there  they'll  not  be  able  to  claim  it. 
And  just  leave  her  alone  to  show  it  around  and  make 

the  most  of  it Well,  maybe  she's  forgivable  for 

that.  She's  so  poor  and  they're  so  rich,  of  course 
she's  had  her  share  of  snubs  from  the  livery-flunky 
sort,  and  I  reckon  it's  only  human  to  want  to  get 
even." 

Uncle  Dan'l  was  sent  with  the  telegram;  for  al- 
though a  conspicuous  object  in  a  corner  of  the  drawing- 
room  was  a  telephone  hanging  .on  a  transmitter, 
Washington  found  all  attempts  to  raise  the  central 
office  vain.  The  Colonel  grumbled  something  about  its 
being  ' '  always  out  of  order  when  you've  got  particu- 
lar and  especial  use  for  it,"  but  he  didn't  explain  that 
one  of  the  reasons  for  this  was  that  the  thing  was  only 
a  dummy  and  hadn't  any  wire  attached  to  it.  And 
yet  the  Colonel  often  used  it  —  when  visitors  were 
present  —  and  seemed  to  get  messages  through  it. 
Mourning-paper  and  a  seal  were  ordered;  then  the 
friends  took  a  rest. 

Next  afternoon,  while  Hawkins,  by  request,  draped 
Andrew  Jackson's  portrait  with  crape,  the  rightful  earl 
wrote  off  the  family  bereavement  to  the  usurper  in 
England  —  a  letter  which  we  have  already  read.  He 
also,  by  letter  to  the  village  authorities  at  Duffy's 
Corners,  Arkansas,  gave  order  that  the  remains  of  the 
late  twins  be  embalmed  by  some  St.  Louis  expert  and 
shipped  at  once  to  the  usurper  —  with  bill.  Then  he 
drafted  out  the  Rossmore  arms  and  motto  on  a  great 
sheet  of  brown  paper,  and  he  and  Hawkins  took  it  to 
Hawkins's  Yankee  furniture-mender,  and  at  the  end  of 
an  hour  came  back  with  a  couple  of  stunning  hatch- 
ments, which  they  nailed  up  on  the  front  of  the  house 


42  The  American  Claimant 

—  attractions  calculated  to  draw,  and  they  did ;  for  it 
was  mainly  an  idle  and  shiftless  negro  neighborhood, 
with  plenty  of  ragged  children  and  indolent  dogs  to 
spare  for  a  point  of  interest  like  that,  and  keep  on 
sparing  them  for  it,  days  and  days  together. 

The  new  earl  found  —  without  surprise  —  this  society 
item  in  the  evening  paper,  and  cut  it  out  and  scrap- 
booked  it: 

By  s»  recent  bereavement  our  esteemed  fellow -citizen,  Colonel  Mulberry 
Sellers,  Perpetual  Member-at-large  of  the  Diplomatic  Body,  succeeds,  as 
rightful  lord,  to  the  great  earldom  of  Rossmore,  third  by  order  of  precedence 
in  the  earldoms  of  Great  Britain,  and  will  take  early  measures,  by  suit  in 
the  House  of  Lords,  to  wrest  the  title  and  estates  from  the  present  usurping 
holder  of  them.  Until  the  season  of  mourning  is  past,  the  usual  Thursday 
evening  receptions  at  fcossmore  Towers  will  be  discontinued. 

Lady  Rossmore's  comment  —  to  herself: 
"  Receptions!  People  who  don't  rightly  know  him 
may  think  he  is  commonplace,  but  to  my  mind  he  is 
one  of  the  most  unusual  men  I  ever  saw.  As  for  sud- 
denness and  capacity  in  imagining  things,  his  beat 
don't  exist,  I  reckon.  As  like  as  not  it  wouldn't  have 
occurred  to  anybody  else  to  name  this  poor  old  rat- 
trap  Rossmore  Towers,  but  it  just  comes  natural  to 
him.  Well,  no  doubt  it's  a  blessed  thing  to  have  an 
imagination  that  can  always  make  you  satisfied,  no 
matter  how  you  are  fixed.  Uncle  Dave  Hopkins  used 
to  always  say,  '  Turn  me  into  John  Calvin,  and  I  want 
to  know  which  place  I'm  going  to;  turn  me  into  Mul- 
berry Sellers,  and  I  don't  care.'  ' 

The  rightful  earl's  comment —  to  himself: 
"  It's    a   beautiful  name,   beautiful.     Pity  I   didn't 
think  of  it  before   I  wrote  the  usurper.     But  I'll  be 
ready  for  him  when  he  answers." 


CHAPTER  V. 

NO  answer  to  that  telegram;  no  arriving  daughter. 
Yet  nobody  showed  any  uneasiness  or  seemed 
surprised;  that  is,  nobody  but  Washington.  After 
three  days  of  waiting  he  asked  Lady  Rossmore  what 
she  supposed  the  trouble  was.  She  answered  tran- 
quilly : 

"  Oh,  it's  some  notion  of  hers;  you  never  can  tell. 
She's  a  Sellers  all  through  —  at  least,  in  some  of  her 
ways;  and  a  Sellers  can't  tell  you  beforehand  what 
he's  gcing  to  do,  because  he  don't  know  himself  till 
he's  done  it.  She's  all  right;  no  occasion  to  worry 
about  her.  When  she's  ready  she'll  come  or  she'll 
write,  and  you  can't  tell  which  till  it's  happened." 

It  turned  out  to  be  a  letter.  It  was  handed  in  at 
that  moment,  and  was  received  by  the  mother  without 
trembling  hands  or  feverish  eagerness,  or  any  other  of 
the  manifestations  common  in  the  case  of  long-delayed 
answers  to  imperative  telegrams.  She  polished  her 
glasses  with  tranquillity  and  thoroughness,  pleasantly 
gossiping  along  the  while,  then  opened  the  letter  and 
began  to  read  aloud : 

KENILWORTH  KEEP,  REDGAUNTLET  HALL, 

ROWENA-IVANHOE  COLLEGE,  THURSDAY. 
DEAR  PRECIOUS  MAMMA  ROSSMORE: 

Oh,  the  joy  of  it !  — you  can't  think.  They  had  always  turned  up  their 
ncses  at  our  pretensions,  you  know;  and  I  had  fought  back  as  well  as  I 
could  by  turning  up  mine  at  theirs.  They  always  said  it  might  be  some' 

(43) 


44  The  American  Claimant 

thing  great  and  fine  to  be  the  rightful  Shadow  of  an  earldom,  but  to  merely 
be  shadow  of  a  shadow,  and  two  or  three  times  removed  at  that  —  pooh- 
pooh  !  And  I  always  retorted  that  not  to  be  able  to  show  four  genera- 
tions of  American-Colonial-Dutch-Peddler-and-Salt-Cod-McAllister-Nobility 
might  be  endurable,  but  to  have  to  confess  such  an  origin  —  pfew-few ! 
Well,  the  telegram,  it  was  just  a  cyclone !  The  messenger  came  right  into 
the  great  Rob  Roy  Hall  of  Audience,  as  excited  as  he  could  be,  singing 
out,  "  Dispatch  for  Lady  Gwendolen  Sellers !  "  and  you  ought  to  have  seen 
that  simpering  chattering  assemblage  of  pinchbeck  aristocrats  turn  to  stone  ! 
I  was  off  in  the  corner,  of  course,  by  myself  —  it's  where  Cinderella  belongs. 
I  took  the  telegram  and  read  it,  and  tried  to  faint  —  and  I  could  have  done 
it  if  I  had  had  any  preparation,  but  it  was  all  so  sudden,  you  know  —  but  no 
matter,  I  did  the  next  best  thing :  I  put  my  handkerchief  to  my  eyes  and 
fled  sobbing  to  my  room,  dropping  the  telegram  as  I  started.  I  released 
one  corner  of  my  eye  a  moment  —  just  enough  to  see  the  herd  swarm  for 
the  telegram  —  and  then  continued  my  broken-hearted  flight  just  as  happy 
as  a  bird. 

Then  the  visits  of  condolence  began,  and  I  had  to  accept  the  loan  of 
Miss  Augusta-Templeton-Ashmore  Hamilton's  quarters  because  the  press 
was  so  great  and  there  isn't  room  for  three  and  a  cat  in  mine.  And  I've 
been  holding  a  Lodge  of  Sorrow  ever  since  and  defending  myself  against 
people's  attempts  to  claim  kin.  And  do  you  know,  the  very  first  girl  to 
fetch  her  tears  and  sympathy  to  my  market  was  that  foolish  Skimperton  girl 
who  has  always  snubbed  me  so  shamefully  and  claimed  lordship  and  prece- 
dence of  the  whole  college  because  some  ancestor  of  hers,  some  time  or 
other,  was  a  McAllister.  Why,  it  was  like  the  bottom  bird  in  the  menagerie 
putting  on  airs  because  its  head  ancestor  was  a  pterodactyl. 

But  the  ger-reatest  triumph  of  all  was — guess.  But  you'll  never.  This 
is  it.  That  little  fool  and  two  others  have  always  been  fussing  and  fretting 
over  which  was  entitled  to  precedence  —  by  rank,  you  know.  They've 
nearly  starved  themselves  at  it;  for  each  claimed  the  right  to  take  prece- 
dence of  all  the  college  in  leaving  the  table,  and  so  neither  of  them  ever 
finished  her  dinner,  but  broke  ofi  in  the  middle  and  tried  to  get  out  ahead  of 
the  others.  Well,  after  my  first  day's  grief  and  seclusion —  I  was  fixing  up 
a  mourning  dress,  you  see  —  I  appeared  at  the  public  table  again,  and  then 
• — what  do  you  think?  Those  three  fluffy  goslings  sat  there  contentedly, 
and  squared  up  the  long  famine  —  lapped  and  lapped,  munched  and 
munched,  ate  and  ate,  till  the  gravy  appeared  in  their  eyes  — humbly  wait- 
ing for  the  Lady  Gwendolen  to  take  precedence  and  move  out  first,  you  see ! 

Oh,  yes,  I've  been  having  a  darling  good  time.     And  do  you  know,  not 


The  American  Claimant  45 

one  of  these  collegians  has  had  the  cruelty  to  ask  me  how  I  came  by  my 
new  name.  With  some,  this  is  due  to  charity,  but  with  the  others  it  isn't. 
They  refrain,  not  from  native  kindness  but  from  educated  discretion.  I 
educated  them. 

Well,  as  soon  as  I  shall  have  settled  up  what's  left  of  the  old  scores  and 
snuffed  up  a  few  more  of  those  pleasantly  intoxicating  clouds  of  incense,  I 
shall  pack  and  depart  homeward.  Tell  papa  I  am  as  fond  of  him  as  I 
am  of  my  new  name.  I  couldn't  put  it  stronger  than  that.  What  an 
inspiration  it  was !  But  inspirations  come  easy  to  him. 

These,  from  your  loving  daughter, 

GWENDOLEN. 

Hawkins  reached  for  the  letter  and  glanced  over  it. 

"  Good  hand,"  he  said,  "  and  full  of  confidence  and 
animation,  and  goes  racing  right  along.  She's  bright 
—  that's  plain." 

"  Oh,  they're  all  bright — the  Sellerses.  Anyway, 
they  would  be,  if  there  were  any.  Even  those  poor 
Latherses  would  have  been  bright  if  they  had  been 
Sellerses;  I  mean  full  blood.  Of  course  they  had  a 
Sellers  strain  in  them  —  a  big  strain  of  it,  too  —  but 
being  a  Bland  dollar  don't  make  it  a  dollar  just  the 


0 

same. 


The  seventh  day  after  the  date  of  the  telegram 
Washington  came  dreaming  down  to  breakfast  and  was 
set  wide  awake  by  an  electrical  spasm  of  pleasure. 
Here  was  the  most  beautiful  young  creature  he  had 
ever  seen  in  his  life.  It  was  Sally  Sellers  Lady  Gwen- 
dolen ;  she  had  come  in  the  night.  And  it  seemed  to 
him  that  her  clothes  were  the  prettiest  and  the  daintiest 
he  had  ever  looked  upon,  and  the  most  exquisitely 
contrived  and  fashioned  and  combined,  as  to  decorative 
trimmings,  and  fixings,  and  melting  harmonies  of  color. 
It  was  only  a  morning  dress,  and  inexpensive,  but  he 
confessed  to  himself,  in  the  English  common  to 
Cherokee  Strip,  that  it  was  a  "  corker."  And  now, 
as  he  perceived,  the  reason  why  the  Sellers  household 

4A 


46  The  American  Claimant 

poverties  and  sterilities  had  been  made  to  blossom  like 
the  rose,  and  charm  the  eye  and  satisfy  the  spirit,  stood 
explained ;  here  was  the  magician ;  here  in  the  midst 
of  her  works,  and  furnishing  in  her  own  person  the 
proper  accent  and  climaxing  finish  of  the  whole. 

"My  daughter,  Major  Hawkins  —  come  home  to 
mourn ;  flown  home  at  the  call  of  affliction  to  help  the 
authors'  of  her  being  bear  the  burden  of  bereavement. 
She  was  very  fond  of  the  late  earl  —  idolized  him,  sir, 
idolized  him — " 

4  Why,  father,  I've  never  seen  him." 

'True  —  she's  right,  I  was  thinking  of  another  — 
er  —  of  her  mother  — ' ' 

I  *  /  idolized    that    smoked    haddock  ?  —  that   senti- 
mental, spiritless — " 

1 '  I  was  thinking  of  myself !  Poor  noble  fellow,  we 
were  inseparable  com — " 

"Hear  the  man!  Mulberry  Sel  —  Mul — Ross- 
more  !  —  hang  the  troublesome  name,  I  can  never  — 
if  I've  heard  you  say  once  I've  heard  you  say  a  thou- 
sand times  that  if  that  poor  sheep  — " 

II  I  was  thinking  of  —  of —  I  don't  know  who  I  was 
thinking  of,  and   it  doesn't  make   any  difference   any 
way;  somebody  idolized  him,  I  recollect  it  as  if  it  were 
yesterday;  and — " 

'  Father,  I  am  going  to  shake  hands  with  Major 
Hawkins,  and  let  the  introduction  work  along  and 
catch  up  at  its  leisure.  I  remember  you  very  wrell, 
indeed,  Major  Hawkins,  although  I  was  a  little  child 
when  I  saw  you  last;  and  I  am  very,  very  glad,  in- 
deed, to  see  you  again  and  have  you  in  our  house  as 
one  of  us;"  and  beaming  in  his  face  she  finished  her 
cordial  shake  with  the  hope  that  he  had  not  forgotten 
her. 

He  was  prodigiously  pleased  by  her  outspoken  hearti- 
ness, and  wanted  to  repay  her  by  assuring  her  that  he 


The  American  Claimant  47 

remembered  her,  and  not  only  that  but  better  even 
than  he  remembered  his  own  children,  but  the  facts 
would  not  quite  warrant  this ;  still,  he  stumbled  through 
a  tangled  sentence  which  answered  just  as  well,  since 
the  purport  of  it  was  an  awkward  and  unintentional 
confession  that  her  extraordinary  beauty  had  so  stupe- 
fied him  that  he  hadn't  got  back  to  his  bearings  yet, 
and  therefore  couldn't  be  certain  as  to  whether  he 
remembered  her  at  all  or  not.  The  speech  made  him 
her  friend ;  it  couldn't  well  help  it. 

In  truth,  the  beauty  of  this  fair  creature  was  of  a 
rare  type,  and  may  well  excuse  a  moment  of  our  time 
spent  in  its  consideration.  It  did  not  consist  in  the 
fact  that  she  had  eyes,  nose,  mouth,  chin,  hair,  ears; 
it  consisted  in  their  arrangement.  In  true  beauty, 
more  depends  upon  right  location  and  judicious  distri- 
bution of  feature  than  upon  multiplicity  of  them.  So 
also  as  regards  color.  The  very  combination  of  colors 
which  in  a  volcanic  irruption  would  add  beauty  to  a 
landscape  might  detach  it  from  a  girl.  Such  was 
Gwendolen  Sellers. 

The  family  circle  being  completed  by  Gwendolen's 
arrival,  it  was  decreed  that  the  official  mourning  should 
now  begin;  that  it  should  begin  at  six  o'clock  every 
evening  (the  dinner  hour)  and  end  with  the  dinner. 

"It's  a  grand  old  line,  Major,  a  sublime  old  line, 
and  deserves  to  be  mourned  for  almost  royally ;  almost 
imperially,  I  may  say.  Er  —  Lady  Gwendolen  —  but 
she's  gone;  never  mind;  I  wanted  my  Peerage;  I'll 
fetch  it  myself,  presently,  and  show  you  a  thing  or  two 
that  will  give  you  a  realizing  idea  of  what  our  house 
is.  I've  been  glancing  through  Burke,  and  I  find  that 
of  William  the  Conqueror's  sixty-four  natural  ch  —  my 
dear,  would  you  mind  getting  me  that  book?  It's  on 
the  escritoire  in  our  boudoir.  Yes,  as  I  was  saying, 
there's  only  St.  Albans,  Buccleuch,  and  Grafton  ahead 


48  The  American  Claimant 

of  us  on  the  list  —  all  the  rest  of  the  British  nobility 
are  in  procession  behind  us.  Ah,  thanks,  my  lady. 
Now  then,  we  turn  to  William,  and  we  find  —  letter  for 
XYZ?  Oh,  splendid  —  when'd  you  get  it?" 

44  Last  night;  but  I  was  asleep  before  you  came, 
you  were  out  so  late;  and  when  I  came  to  breakfast 
Miss  Gwendolen  —  well,  she  knocked  everything  out 
of  me,  you  know — " 

4  Wonderful  girl,  wonderful;  her  great  origin  is 
detectable  in  her  step,  her  carriage,  her  features  —  but 
what  does  he  say  ?  Come,  this  is  exciting." 

44  I  haven't  read  it  —  er  —  Rossm  —  Mr.  Rossm  — • 
er—  " 

4<M'lord!  Just  cut  it  short  like  that.  It's  the 
English  way.  I'll  open  it.  Ah,  now  let's  see. 

A  TO  YOU  KNOW  WHO.  Think  I  know  you.  Wait  ten  days. 
**•'  Coming  to  Washington. 

The  excitement  died  out  of  both  men's  faces.  There 
was  a  brooding  silence  for  a  while ;  then  the  younger 
one  said,  with  a  sigh: 

4  Why,  we  can't  wait  ten  days  for  the  money." 

14  No  —  the  man's  unreasonable;  we  are  down  to 
the  bed  rock,  financially  speaking." 

14  If  we  could  explain  to  him  in  some  way  that  we 
are  so  situated  that  time  is  of  the  utmost  importance 
to  us — " 

44  Yes-yes,  that's  it  —  and  so  if  it  would  be  as  con- 
venient for  him  to  come  at  once  it  would  be  a  great 
accommodation  to  us,  and  one  which  we  —  which  we 
—  which  we  —  wh  —  well,  which  we  should  sincerely 
appreciate  — " 

4  That's  it  —  and  most  gladly  reciprocate  — " 

"  Certainly  —  that'  11  fetch  him.  Worded  right,  if 
he's  a  man  —  got  any  of  the  feelings  of  a  man, 
sympathies  and  all  that,  he'll  be  here  inside  of  twenty- 


The  American  Claimant  40 

four  hours.  Pen  and  paper  —  come,  we'll  gel  right 
at  it." 

Between  them  they  framed  twenty-two  different  ad- 
vertisements, but  none  was  satisfactory.  A  main  fault 
in  all  of  them  was  urgency.  That  feature  was  very 
troublesome :  if  made  prominent,  it  was  calculated  to 
excite  Pete's  suspicion ;  if  modified  below  the  suspicion- 
point  it  was  flat  and  meaningless.  Finally  the  Colonel 
resigned,  and  said: 

11  I  have  noticed,  in  such  literary  experiences  as  I 
have  had,  that  one  of  the  most  taking  things  to  do  is 
to  conceal  your  meaning  when  you  are  trying  to  con- 
ceal it.  Whereas,  if  you  go  at  literature  with  a  free 
conscience  and  nothing  to  conceal,  you  can  turn  out  a 
book,  every  time,  that  the  very  elect  can't  under- 
stand. They  all  do." 

Then  Hawkins  resigned  also,  and  the  two  agreed 
that  they  must  manage  to  wait  the  ten  days  somehow 
or  other.  Next,  they  caught  a  ray  of  cheer;  since 
they  had  something  definite  to  go  upon  now  they  could 
probably  borrow  money  on  the  reward  —  enough,  at 
any  rate,  to  tide  them  over  till  they  got  it;  and  mean- 
time the  materializing  recipe  would  be  perfected,  and 
then  good-bye  to  trouble  for  good  and  all. 

The  next  day,  May  the  loth,  a  couple  of  things 
happened  —  among  others.  The  remains  of  the  noble 
Arkansas  twins  left  our  shores  for  England,  consigned 
to  Lord  Rossmore,  and  Lord  Rossmore's  son,  Kirk- 
cudbright Llanover  Marjoribanks  Sellers  Viscount 
Berkeley,  sailed  from  Liverpool  for  America  to  place 
the  reversion  of  the  earldom  in  the  hands  of  the  right- 
ful peer,  Mulberry  Sellers,  of  Rossmore  Towers  in  the 
District  of  Columbia,  U.  S.  A. 

These  two  impressive  shipments  would  meet  and 
part  in  mid-Atlantic  five  days  later,  and  give  no  sign. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

IN  the  course  of  time  the  twins  arrived  and  were  de- 
livered to  their  great  kinsman.  To  try  to  describe 
the  rage  of  that  old  man  would  profit  nothing,  the 
attempt  would  fall  so  far  short  of  the  purpose.  How- 
ever, when  he  had  worn  himself  out  and  got  quiet 
again,  he  looked  the  matter  over  and  decided  that  the 
twins  had  some  moral  rights,  although  they  had  no 
legal  ones;  they  were  of  his  blood,  and  it  could  not 
be  decorous  to  treat  them  as  common  clay.  So  he 
laid  them  with  their  majestic  kin  in  the  Cholmondeley 
church,  with  imposing  state  and  ceremony,  and  added 
the  supreme  touch  by  officiating  as  chief  mourner 
himself.  But  he  drew  the  line  at  hatchments. 

Our  friends  in  Washington  watched  the  weary  days 
go  by  while  they  waited  for  Pete  and  covered  his  name 
with  reproaches  because  of  his  calamitous  procrastina- 
tions. Meantime,  Sally  Sellers,  who  was  as  practical 
and  democratic  as  the  Lady  Gwendolen  Sellers  was 
romantic  and  aristocratic,  was  leading  a  life  of  intense 
interest  and  activity,  and  getting  the  most  she  could 
out  of  her  double  personality.  All  day  long  in  the 
privacy  of  her  work-room  Sally  Sellers  earned  bread 
for  the  Sellers  family,  and  all  the  evening  Lady  Gwen- 
dolen Sellers  supported  the  Rossmbre  dignity.  All 
day  she  was  American,  practically,  and  proud  of  the 
work  of  her  head  and  hands  and  its  commercial  result ; 
all  the  evening  she  took  holiday  and  dwelt  in  a  rich 

(so) 


The  American  Claimant  51 

shadowland  peopled  with  titled  and  coroneted  fictions. 
By  day,  to  her,  the  place  was  a  plain,  unaffected,  ram- 
shackle old  trap  —  just  that,  and  nothing  more ;  by 
night  it  was  Rossmore  Towers.  At  college  she  had 
learned  a  trade  without  knowing  it.  The  girls  had 
found  out  that  she  was  the  designer  of  her  own  gowns. 
She  had  no  idle  moments  after  that,  and  wanted  none ; 
for  the  exercise  of  an  extraordinary  gift  is  the 
supremest  pleasure  in  life,  and  it  was  manifest  that 
Sally  Sellers  possessed  a  gift  of  that  sort  in  the  matter 
of  costume  designing.  Within  three  days  after  reach- 
ing home  she  had  hunted  up  some  work ;  before  Pete 
was  yet  due  in  Washington,  and  before  the  twins  were 
fairly  asleep  in  English  soil,  she  was  already  nearly 
swamped  with  work,  and  the  sacrificing  of  the  family 
chromos  for  debt  had  got  an  effective  check. 

"  She's  a  brick,"  said  Rossmore  to  the  Major; 
*  *  just  her  father  all  over ;  prompt  to  labor  with  head 
or  hands,  and  not  ashamed  of  it;  capable,  always 
capable,  let  the  enterprise  be  what  it  may;  successful 
by  natarc  —  don't  know  what  defeat  is  ;  thus,  intensely 
and  practically  American  by  inhaled  nationalism,  and 
at  the  same  time  intensely  and  aristocratically  European 
by  inherited  nobility  of  blood.  Just  me,  exactly;  Mul- 
berry Sellers  in  matter  of  finance  and  invention ;  after 
office  hours,  what  do  you  find?  The  same  clothes, 
yes,  but  what's  in  them?  Rossmore  of  the  peerage." 

The  two  friends  had  haunted  the  general  post-office 
daily.  At  last  they  had  their  reward.  Toward  even- 
ing on  the  20th  of  May  they  got  a  letter  for  XYZ.  It 
bore  the  Washington  postmark ;  the  note  itself  was  not 
dated.  It  said : 

Ash  barrel  back  of  lamp  post  Black  horse  Alley.     If  you  are  playing 
square  go  and  set  on  it  to-morrow  morning  2ist  10.22  not  sooner  not  latei 
wait  till  I  come. 
D*** 


52  The  American  Claimant 

The  friends  cogitated  over  the  note  profoundly. 
Presently  the  earl  said : 

44  Don't  you  reckon  he's  afraid  we  are  a  sheriff  with 
a  requisition?" 

44  Why,  m'lord?" 

"  Because  that's  no  place  for  a  stance.  Nothing 
friendly,  nothing  sociable  about  it.  And  at  the  same 
time,  a  body  that  wanted  to  know  who  was  roosting  on 
that  ash-barrel  without  exposing  himself  by  going  near 
it,  or  seeming  to  be  interested  in  it,  could  just  stand 
on  the  street  corner  and  take  a  glance  down  the  alley 
and  satisfy  himself,  don't  you  see?" 

1  Yes,  his  idea  is  plain  now.  He  seems  to  be  a 
man  that  can't  be  candid  and  straightforward.  He  acts 
as  if  he  thought  we  —  shucks,  I  wish  he  had  come  out 
like  a  man  and  told  us  what  hotel  he — " 

**  Now  you've  struck  it!  you've  struck  it  sure, 
Washington;  he  has  told  us." 

44  Has  he?" 

"  Yes,  he  has;  but  he  didn't  mean  to.  That  alley 
h  a  lonesome  little  pocket  that  runs  along  one  side  of 
the  New  Gadsby.  That's  his  hotel." 

44  What  makes  you  think  that?" 

**  Why,  I  just  know  it.  He's  got  a  room  that's  just 
across  from  that  lamp-post.  He's  going  to  sit  there 
perfectly  comfortable  behind  his  shutters  at  10.22  to- 
morrow, and  when  he  sees  us  sitting  on  the  ash-barrel, 
he'll  say  to  himself,  *  I  saw  one  of  those  fellows  on  the 
train' —  and  then  he'll  pack  his  satchel  in  half  a  minute 
and  ship  for  the  ends  of  the  earth." 

Hawkins  turned  sick  with  disappointment. 

44  Oh,  dear,  it's  all  up,  Colonel  —  it's  exactly  what 
he'll  do." 

44  Indeed,  he  won't!" 
'  Won'  the?     Why?" 

*4  Because  you  won't  be  holding  the  ash-barrel  down; 


The  American  Claimant  53 

it'll  be  me.  You'll  be  coming  in  with  an  officer  and  a 
requisition  in  plain  clothes  —  the  officer,  I  mean  —  the 
minute  you  see  him  arrive  and  open  up  a  talk  with 
me." 

"  Well,  what  a  head  you  have  got,  Colonel  Sellers! 
I  never  should  have  thought  of  that  in  the  world." 

"  Neither  would  any  earl  of  Rossmore,  betwixt 
William's  contribution  and  Mulberry  —  as  earl;  but 
it's  office  hours  now,  you  see,  and  the  earl  in  me 
sleeps.  Come  —  I'll  show  you  his  very  room." 

They  reached  the  neighborhood  of  the  New  Gadsby 
about  nine  in  the  evening,  and  passed  down  the  alley 
to  the  lamp-post. 

"  There  you  are,"  said  the  Colonel,  triumphantly, 
with  a  wave  of  his  hand  which  took  in  the  whole  side 
of  the  hotel.  "  There  it  is  —  what  did  I  tell  you?" 

"  Well,  but  —  why,  Colonel,  it's  six  stories  high.  I 
don't  quite  make  out  which  window  you  — " 

*'  All  the  windows,  all  of  them.  Let  him  have  his 
choice — -I'm  indifferent  now  that  I  have  located  him. 
You  go  and  stand  on  the  corner  and  wait;  I'll  prospect 
the  hotel." 

The  earl  drifted  here  and  there  through  the  swarm- 
ing lobby,  and  finally  took  a  waiting  position  in  the 
neighborhood  of  the  elevator.  During  an  hour  crowds 
y/ent  up  and  crowds  came  down ;  and  all,  complete  as 
to  limbs ;  but  at  last  the  watcher  got  a  glimpse  of  a 
figure  that  was  satisfactory  —  got  a  glimpse  of  the 
back  of  it,  though  he  had  missed  his  chance  at  the  face 
through  waning  alertness.  The  glimpse  revealed  a 
cowboy  hat  and  below  it  a  plaided  sack  of  rather  loud 
pattern,  and  an  empty  sleeve  pinned  up  to  the  shoul- 
der. Then  the  elevator  snatched  the  vision  aloft,  and 
the  watcher  fled  away  in  joyful  excitement  and  rejoined 
the  fellow-conspirator. 

'  We've  got  him,  Major —  got  him  sure  !    I've  seen 


54  The  American  Claimant 

him  —  seen  him  good;  and  I  don't  care  where  or 
when  that  man  approaches  me  backwards,  I'll  recog- 
nize him  every  time.  We're  all  right.  Now  for  the 
requisition." 

They  got  it,  after  the  delays  usual  in  such  cases. 
By  half-past  eleven  they  were  at  home  and  happy,  and 
went  to  bed  full  of  dreams  of  the  morrow's  great 
promise. 

Among  the  elevator  load  which  had  the  suspect  for 
fellow-passengers  was  a  young  kinsman  of  Mulberry 
Sellers,  but  Mulberry  was  not  aware  of  it  and  didn't 
s*e  him.  It  was  Viscount  Berkeley. 


CHAPTER   VII. 

7TRRIVED  in  his  room  Lord  Berkeley  made  prepara- 
/\  tions  for  that  first  and  last  and  all-the-time  duty 
of  the  visiting  Englishman  —  the  jotting  down  in  his 
diary  of  his  '*  impressions  "  to  date.  His  preparations 
consisted  in  ransacking  his  "  box  "  for  a  pen.  There 
was  a  plenty  of  steel  pens  on  his  table  with  the  ink 
bottle,  but  he  was  English.  The  English  people  manu- 
facture steel  pens  for  nineteen-twentieths  of  the  globe, 
but  they  never  use  any  themselves.  They  use  exclu- 
sively the  prehistoric  quill.  My  lord  not  only  found  a 
quill  pen,  but  the  best  one  he  had  seen  in  several  years 
—  and  after  writing  diligently  for  some  time,  closed 
with  the  following  entry : 

But  in  one  thing  I  have  made  an  immense  mistake.  I  ought  to  have 
sunk  my  title  and  changed  my  name  before  I  started. 

He  sat  admiring  that  pen  awhile,  and  then  went  on: 

All  attempts  to  mingle  with  the  common  people  and  become  permanently 
one  of  them  are  going  to  fail,  unless  I  can  get  rid  of  it,  disappear  from  it, 
and  reappear  with  the  solid  protection  of  a  new  name.  I  am  astonished 
and  pained  to  see  how  eager  the  most  of  these  Americans  are  to  get 
acquainted  with  a  lord,  and  how  dilligent  they  are  in  pushing  attentions 
upon  him.  They  lack  English  servility,  it  is  true  —  but  they  could  acquire 
it,  with  practice.  My  quality  travels  ahead  of  me  in  the  most  mysterious 
way.  I  write  my  family  name  without  additions,  on  the  register  of  this 
hotel,  and  imagine  that  I  am  going  to  pass  for  an  obscure  and  unknown 
wanderer,  but  the  clerk  promptly  calls  out,  "  Front !  show  his  lordship  -to 
four-eighty-two !  "  and  before  I  can  get  to  the  lift  there  is  a  reporter  trying 

<55) 


56  The  American  Claimant 

to  interview  me,  as  they  call  it.  This  sort  of  thing  shall  cease  at  once.  I 
will  hunt  up  the  American  Claimant  the  first  thing  in  the  morning,  accom- 
plish my  mission,  then  change  my  lodging  and  vanish  from  scrutiny  undei 
a  fictitious  name. 

He  left  his  diary  on  the  table,  where  it  would  be 
handy  in  case  any  new  ' '  impressions  ' '  should  wak^ 
him  up  in  the  night,  then  he  went  to  bed  and  presently 
fell  asleep.  An  hour  or  two  passed,  and  then  he  came 
slowly  to  consciousness  with  a  confusion  of  mysterious 
and  augmenting  sounds  hammering  at  the  gates  of  his 
brain  for  admission ;  the  next  moment  he  was  sharply 
awake,  and  those  sounds  burst  with  the  rush  and  roar 
and  boom  of  an  undammed  freshet  into  his  ears. 
Banging  and  slamming  of  shutters ;  smashing  of  win- 
dows and  the  ringing  clash  of  falling  glass ;  clatter  of 
flying  feet  along  the  halls ;  shrieks,  supplications,  dumb 
meanings  of  despair  within,  hoarse  shouts  of  command 
outside ;  cracklings  and  snappings,  and  the  windy  roar 
of  victorious  flames ! 

Bang,  bang,  bang!   on  the  door,  and  a  cry: 

"  Turn  out  —  the  house  is  on  fire !" 

The  cry  passed  on,  and  the  banging.  Lord  Berkeley 
sprang  out  of  bed  and  moved  with  all  possible  speed 
toward  the  clothespress  in  the  darkness  and  the  gather- 
ing smoke,  but  fell  over  a  chair  and  lost  his  bearings. 
He  groped  desperately  about  on  his  hands,  and  pres- 
ently struck  his  head  against  the  table  and  was  deeply 
grateful,  for  it  gave  him  his  bearings  again,  since  it 
stood  close  by  the  door.  He  seized  his  most  precious 
possession,  his  journaled  Impressions  of  America,  and 
darted  from  the  room. 

He  ran  down  the  deserted  hall  toward  the  red  lamp 
which  he  knew  indicated  the  place  of  a  fire-escape. 
The  door  of  the  room  beside  it  was  open.  In  the 
room  the  gas  was  burning  full  head ;  on  a  chair  was  a 
pile  of  clothing.  He  ran  to  the  window,  could  not  get 


The  American  Claimant  57 

i*  up,  but  smashed  it  with  a  chair,  and  stepped  out  on 
the  landing  of  the  fire-escape ;  below  him  was  a  crowd 
of  men,  with  a  sprinkling  of  women  and  youth,  massed 
in  a  ruddy  light.  Must  he  go  down  in  his  spectral 
night-dress?  No  —  this  side  of  the  house  was  not  yet 
on  fire  except  at  the  farther  end ;  he  would  snatch  on 
those  clothes.  Which  he  did.  They  fitted  well  enough, 
though  a  trifle  loosely,  and  they  were  just  a  shade  loud 
as  to  pattern.  Also  as  to  hat  —  which  was  of  a  new 
breed  to  him,  Buffalo  Bill  not  having  been  to  England 
yet.  One  side  of  the  coat  went  on,  but  the  other  side 
refused ;  one  of  its  sleeves  was  turned  up  and  'stitched 
to  the  shoulder.  He  started  down  without  waiting  to 
get  it  loose,  made  the  trip  successfully,  and  was 
promptly  hustled  outside  the  limit-rope  by  the  police. 

The  cowboy  hat  and  the  coat  but  half  on  made  him 
too  much  of  a  center  of  attraction  for  comfort,  al- 
though nothing  could  be  more  profoundly  respectful, 
not  to  say  deferential,  than  was  the  manner  of  the 
crowd  toward  him.  In  his  mind  he  framed  a  discour- 
aged remark  for  early  entry  in  his  diary :  '  *  It  is  of  no 
use ;  they  know  a  lord  through  any  disguise,  and  show 
awe  of  him  —  even  something  very  like  fear,  indeed." 

Presently  one  of  the  gaping  and  adoring  half-circle 
of  boys  ventured  a  timid  question.  My  lord  answered 
it.  The  boys  glanced  wonderingly  at  each  other,  and 
from  somewhere  fell  the  comment: 

11  English  cowboy!     Well,  if  that  ain't  curious.*' 

Another  mental  note  to  be  preserved  for  the  diary : 
11  Cowboy.  Now  what  might  a  cowboy  be?  Per- 
haps— "  But  the  viscount  perceived  that  some  more 
questions  were  about  to  be  asked ;  so  he  worked  his 
way  out  of  the  crowd,  released  the  sleeve,  put  on  the 
coat,  and  wandered  away  to  seek  a  humble  and  obscure 
lodging.  He  found  it,  and  went  to  bed  and  was  soon 
asleep. 


58  The  American  Claimant 

In  the  morning  he  examined  his  clothes.  They  were 
rather  assertive,  it  seemed  to  him,  but  they  were  new 
and  clean,  at  any  rate.  There  was  considerable  prop- 
erty in  the  pockets.  Item,  five  one  hundred  dollar 
bills.  Item,  near  fifty  dollars  in  small  bills  and  silver. 
Plug  of  tobacco.  Hymn-book,  which  refuses  to  open; 
found  to  contain  whisky.  Memorandum-book  bearing 
no  name.  Scattering  entries  in  it,  recording  in  a 
sprawling,  ignorant  hand,  appointments,  bets,  horse- 
trades,  and  so  on,  with  people  of  strange,  hyphenated 
name  —  Six-Fingered  Jake,  Young-Man-afraid-of-his- 
Shadow,  and  the  like.  No  letters,  no  documents. 

The  young  man  muses  —  maps  out  his  course.  His 
letter  of  credit  is  burned  ;  he  will  borrow  the  small  bills 
and  the  silver  in  these  pockets,  apply  part  of  it  to 
advertising  for  the  owner,  and  use  the  rest  for  sus- 
tenance while  he  seeks  work.  He  sends  out  for  the 
morning  paper  next,  and  proceeds  to  read  about  the 
fire.  The  biggest  line  in  the  display-head  announces 
his  own  death !  The  body  of  the  account  furnishes  all 
the  particulars ;  and  tells  how,  with  the  inherited  hero- 
ism of  his  caste,  he  went  on  saving  women  and  children 
until  escape  for  himself  was  impossible ;  then  with  the 
eyes  of  weeping  multitudes  upon  him,  he  stood  with 
folded  arms  and  sternly  awaited  the  approach  of  the 
devouring  fiend;  "  and  so  standing,  amid  a  tossing  sea 
of  flame  and  on-rushing  billows  of  smoke,  the  noble 
young  heir  of  the  great  house  of  Rossmore  was  caught 
up  in  a  whirlwind  of  fiery  glory,  and  disappeared  for- 
ever from  the  vision  of  men." 

The  thing  was  so  fine  and  generous  and  knightly 
that  it  brought  the  moisture  to  his  eyes.  Presently  he 
said  to  himself:  "  What  to  do  is  as  plain  as  day  now. 
My  Lord  Berkeley  is  dead  —  let  him  stay  so.  Died 
creditably,  too ;  that  will  make  the  calamity  the  easier  for 
my  father.  And  I  don't  have  to  report  to  the  Ameri- 


The  American  Claimant 


59 


can  Claimant  now.  Yes,  nothing  could  be  better  than 
the  way  matters  have  turned  out.  I  have  only  to 
furnish  myself  with  a  new  name,  and  take  my  new 
start  in  life  totally  untrammeled.  Now  I  breathe  my 
first  breath  of  real  freedom ;  and  how  fresh  and  breezy 
and  inspiring  it  is !  At  last  I  am  a  man !  a  man  on 
equal  terms  with  my  neighbor;  and  by  my  manhood, 
and  by  it  alone,  I  shall  rise  and  be  seen  of  the  world, 
or  I  shall  sink  from  sight  and  deserve  it.  This  is  the 
gladdest  day,  and  the  proudest,  that  ever  poured  its 
sun  upon  my  head  !'"' 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

«/^OD  bless  my  soul,  Hawkins!" 

\J         The  morning  paper  dropped  from  the  Col- 
onel's nerveless  grasp. 
4  What  is  it  ?" 

"'  He's  gone!  —  the  bright,  the  young,  the  gifted, 
the  noblest  of  his  illustrious  race  —  gone  !  gone  up  in 
flames  and  unimaginable  glory!" 
'Who?" 

44  My  precious,  precious  young  kinsman  —  Kirkcud- 
bright Llanover  Marjoribanks  Sellers  Viscount  Berkeley, 
son  and  heir  of  usurping  Rossmore." 

"No!" 

"  It's  true  —  too  true." 

41  When?" 

4 'Last  night." 

4 'Where?" 

44  Right  here  in  Washington,  where  he  arrived  from 
England  last  night,  the  papers  say." 
4  You  don't  say!" 

4<  Hotel  burned  down." 

44  What  hotel?" 
4TheNewGadsby!" 

14  Oh,  my  goodness!  And  have  we  lost  both  of 
them?" 

"Both  w&?/" 

14  One- Arm  Pete." 

14  Oh,  great  guns!  I  forgot  all  about  him.  Oh,  I 
hope  not!" 

(60) 


The  American  Claimant  61 

11  Hope!  Well,  I  should  say!  Oh,  we  can't  spare 
him  /  We  can  better  afford  to  lose  a  million  viscounts 
than  our  only  support  and  stay." 

They  searched  the  paper  diligently,  and  were  ap- 
palled to  find  that  a  one-armed  man  had  been  seen 
flying  along  one  of  the  halls  of  the  hotel  in  his  under- 
clothing and  apparently  out  of  his  head  with  fright, 
and  as  he  would  listen  to  no  one  and  persisted  in 
making  for  a  stairway  which  would  carry  him  to  certain 
death,  his  case  was  given  over  as  a  hopeless  one. 

"Poor  fellow,"  sighed  Hawkins;  "  and  he  had 
friends  so  near.  I  wish  we  hadn't  come  away  from 
there  —  maybe  we  could  have  saved  him." 

The  earl  looked  up  and  said,  calmly: 

14  His  being  dead  doesn't  matter.  He  was  uncertain 
before.  We've  got  him  sure,  this  time." 

"  Got  him?     How?" 

11  I  will  materialize  him." 

11  Rossmore,  don't  —  don't  trifle  with  me.  Do  you 
mean  that?  Can  you  do  it?" 

"  I  can  do  it,  just  as  sure  as  you  are  sitting  there. 
And  I  will." 

"  Give  me  your  hand,  and  let  me  have  the  comfort 
of  shaking  it.  I  was  perishing,  and  you  have  put  new 
life  into  me.  Get  at  it,  oh,  get  at  it  right  away." 

"  It  will  take  a  little  time,  Hawkins,  but  there's  no 
hurry,  none  in  the  world  —  in  the  circumstances.  And 
of  course  certain  duties  have  devolved  upon  me  now 
which  necessarily  claim  my  first  attention.  This  poor 
young  nobleman  — " 

'Why,  yes,  I  am  sorry  for  my  heartlessness,  and 
you  smitten  with  this  new  family  affliction.  Of  course 
you  must  materialize  him  first  —  I  quite  understand 
that." 

"I  —  I —  well,  I  wasn't  meaning  just  that,  but  — 
why,  what  am  I  thinking  of!  Of  course  I  must 


62  The  American  Claimant 

materialize  him.  Oh,  Hawkins,  selfishness  is  the  bot- 
tom trait  in  human  nature ;  I  was  only  thinking  that 
now,  with  the  usurper's  heir  out  of  the  way —  But 
you'll  forgive  that  momentary  weakness,  and  forget  it. 
Don't  ever  remember  it  against  me  that  Mulberry  Sel- 
lers was  once  mean  enough  to  think  the  thought  that  I 
was  thinking.  I'll  materialize  him  —  I  will,  on  my 
honor  —  and  I'd  do  it  were  he  a  thousand  heirs 
jammed  into  one  and  stretching  in  a  solid  rank  from 
here  to  the  stolen  estates  of  Rossmore,  and  barring  the 
road  forever  to  the  rightful  earl ! ' ' 

*  There  spoke   the   real   Sellers  —  the   other  had  a 
false  ring,  old  friend." 

14  Hawkins,  my  boy,  it  just  occurs  to  me  —  a  thing 
I  keep  forgetting  to  mention  —  a  matter  that  we've  got 
to  be  mighty  careful  about." 

4  What  is  that?" 

*  We  must  keep  absolutely  still  about  these  material- 
izations.    Mind,  not  a  hint  of  them  must  escape  —  not 
a  hint.     To  say  nothing  of  how  my  wife  and  daughter 
—  high-strung,     sensitive    organizations  —  might    feel 
about  them,  the  negroes  wouldn't  stay  on  the  place  a 
minute." 

1  That's  true,  they  wouldn't.  It's  well  you  spoke, 
for  I'm  not  naturally  discreet  with  my  tongue  when 
I'm  not  warned." 

Sellers  reached  out  and  touched  a  bell  button  in  the 
wall,  set  his  eye  upon  the  rear  door  and  waited; 
touched  it  again  and  waited ;  and  just  as  Hawkins  was 
remarking  admiringly  that  the  Colonel  was  the  most 
progressive  and  most  alert  man  he  had  ever  seen,  in 
the  matter  of  impressing  into  his  service  every  modern 
convenience  the  moment  it  was  invented,  and  always 
keeping  breast  to  breast  with  the  drum-major  in  the 
great  work  of  material  civilization,  he  forsook  the  but- 
ton (which  hadn't  any  wire  attached  to  it),  rang  a  vast 


The  American  Claimant  63 

dinner-bell  which  stood  on  the  table,  and  remarked  that 
he  had  tried  that  new-fangled  dry  battery  now  to  his 
entire  satisfaction,  and  had  got  enough  of  it;  and  added : 

"  Nothing  would  do  Graham  Bell  but  I  must  try  it; 
said  the  mere  fact  of  my  trying  it  would  secure  public 
confidence,  and  get  it  a  chance  to  show  what  it  could 
do.  I  told  him  that  in  theory  a  dry  battery  was  just  a 
curled  darling  and  no  mistake,  but  when  it  come  to 
practice,  sho  ! — and  here's  the  result.  Was  I  right? 
What  should  you  say,  Washington  Hawkins?  You've 
seen  me  try  that  button  twice.  Was  I  right?  —  that's 
the  idea.  Did  I  know  what  I  was  talking  about,  or 
didn't  I?" 

"Well,  you  know  how  I  feel  about  you,  Colonel 
Sellers,  and  always  have  felt.  It  seems  to  me  that  you 
always  know  everything  about  everything.  If  that 
man  had  known  you  as  I  know  you  he  would  have 
taken  your  judgment  at  the  start,  and  dropped  his  dry 
battery  where  it  was." 

"  Did  you  ring,  Marse  Sellers?" 

"No,  Marse  Sellers  didn't." 

44  Den  it  was  you,  Marse  Washington.  I's  heah, 
suh." 

"  No,  it  wasn't  Marse  Washington,  either." 

"  De  good  Ian'  !  who  did  ring  her,  den?" 

1 '  Lord  Rossmore  rang  it ! " 

The  old  negro  flung  up  his  hands  and  exclaimed : 

"  Blame  my  skin  if  I  hain't  gone  en  forgit  dat  name 
agin!  Come  heah,  Jinny  —  run  heah,  honey." 

Jinny  arrived. 

"  You  take  dish-yer  order  de  lord  gwine  to  give  you. 
I's  gwine  down  suller  and  study  dat  name  tell  I  git  it." 

"I  take  de  order!  Who's  yo'  nigger  las'  year? 
De  bell  rung  for  j-w^." 

11  Dat  don't  make  no  diffunce.  When  a  bell  ring 
for  anybody,  en  old  marster  tell  me  to  — " 


64  The  American  Claimant 

"  Clear  out,  and  settle  it  in  the  kitchen !" 

The  noise  of  the  quarreling  presently  sank  to  a  mur- 
mur in  the  distance,  and   the  earl   added:    "  That's  a 
trouble  with  old  house-servants  that  were  your  slaves 
once  and  have  been  your  personal  friends  always." 
*  Yes,  and  members  of  the  family." 

"  Members  of  the  family  is  just  what  they  become  — 
the  members  of  the  family,  in  fact.  And  sometimes 
master  and  mistress  of  the  household.  These  two  are 
mighty  good  and  loving  and  faithful  and  honest,  but, 
hang  it,  they  do  just  about  as  they  please,  they  chip 
into  a  conversation  whenever  they  want  to,  and  the 
plain  fact  is  they  ought  to  be  killed." 

It  was  a  random  remark,  but  it  gave  him  an  idea  — 
however,  nothing  could  happen  without  that  result. 

4  What  I  wanted,  Hawkins,  was  to  send  for  the 
family  and  break  the  news  to  them." 

11  Oh,  never  mind  bothering  with  the  servants,  then. 
I  will  go  and  bring  them  down." 

While  he  was  gone  the  earl  worked  his  idea. 

"Yes,"  he  said  to  himself,  "when  I've  got  the 
materializing  down  to  a  certainty,  I  will  get  Hawkins 
to  kill  them,  and  after  that  they  will  be  under  better 
control.  Without  doubt  a  materialized  negro  could 
easily  be  hypnotized  into  a  state  resembling  silence. 
And  this  could  be  made  permanent  —  yes,  and  also 
modifiable,  at  will  —  sometimes  very  silent,  sometimes 
turn  on  more  talk,  more  action,  more  emotion,  accord- 
ing to  what  you  want.  It's  a  prime  good  idea.  Make 
it  adjustable  —  with  a  screw  or  something." 

The  two  ladies  entered  now  with  Hawkins,  and  the 
two  negroes  followed,  uninvited,  and  fell  to  brushing 
and  dusting  around,  for  they  perceived  that  there  was 
matter  of  interest  to  the  fore,  and  were  willing  to  find 
out  what  it  was. 

Sellers  broke  the  news  with  stateliness  and  ceremony, 


The  American  Claimant  6i> 

first  warning  the  ladies,  with  gentle  art,  that  a  pang  of 
peculiar  sharpness  was  about  to  be  inflicted  upon  their 
hearts  —  hearts  still  sore  from  a  like  hurt,  still  lament- 
ing a  like  loss  —  then  he  took  the  paper,  and  with 
trembling  lips  and  with  tears  in  his  voice  he  gave  them 
that  heroic  death-picture. 

The  result  was  a  very  genuine  outbreak  of  sorrow 
and  sympathy  from  all  the  hearers.  The  elder  lady 
cried,  thinking  how  proud  that  great-hearted  young 
hero's  mother  would  be,  if  she  were  living,  and  how 
unappeasable  her  grief ;  and  the  two  old  servants  cried 
with  her,  and  spoke  out  their  applauses  and  their  pity- 
ing lamentations  with  the  eloquent  sincerity  and  sim- 
plicity native  to  their  race.  Gwendolen  was  touched, 
and  the  romantic  side  of  her  nature  was  strongly 
wrought  upon.  She  said  that  such  a  nature  as  that 
young  man's  was  rarely  and  truly  noble,  and  nearly 
perfect;  and  that  with  nobility  of  birth  added  it  was 
entirely  perfect.  For  such  a  man  she  could  endure  all 
things,  suffer  all  things,  even  to  the  sacrificing  of  her 
life.  She  wished  she  could  have  seen  him ;  the  slight- 
est, the  most  momentary  contact  with  such  a  spirit 
would  have  ennobled  her  whole  character,  and  made 
ignoble  thoughts  and  ignoble  acts  thereafter  impossible 
to  her  forever. 

"  Have  they  found  the  body,  Rossmore?"  asked 
the  wife. 

"  Yes;  that  is,  they've  found  several.  It  must  be 
one  of  them,  but  none  of  them  are  recognizable." 

"  What  are  you  going  to  do?" 

"  I  am  going  down  there  and  identify  one  of  them, 
and  send  it  home  to  the  stricken  father." 

"  But,  papa,  did  you  ever  see  the  young  man?" 

"  No,  Gwendolen  —  why?" 

41  How  will  you  identify  it?" 

"I  —  well,  you  know,  it  says  none  of  them  are 
5*** 


66  The  American  Claimant 

recognizable.     I'll    send    his    father   one   of   them-- 
there's  probably  no  choice." 

Gwendolen  knew  it  was  not  worth  while  to  argue  the 
matter  further,  since  her  father's  mind  was  made  up, 
and  there  was  a  chance  for  him  to  appear  upon  that 
sad  scene  down  yonder  in  an  authentic  and  official  way. 
So  she  said  no  more  —  till  he  asked  for  a  basket. 

"  A  basket,  papa?     What  for?'1 

"  It  might  be  ashes. " 


CHAPTER   IX. 

THE  earl  and  Washington  started  on  the  sorrowful 
errand,  talking  as  they  walked. 

"  And  as  usual /" 

"  What,  Colonel?" 

"  Seven  of  them  in  that  hotel.  Actresses.  And  all 
burnt  out,  of  course." 

11  Any  of  them  burnt  up  ?" 

"  Oh,  no,  they  escaped  ;  they  always  do  ;  but  there's 
never  a  one  of  them  that  knows  enough  to  fetch  out 
her  jewelry  with  her." 

"That's  strange." 

"Strange  —  it's  the  most  unaccountable  thing  in 
the  world.  Experience  teaches  them  nothing;  they 
can't  seem  to  learn  anything  except  out  of  a  book. 
In  some  cases  there's  manifestly  a  fatality  about  it. 
For  instance,  take  What's-her-name,  that  plays  those 
sensational  thunder  and  lightning  parts.  She's  got  a 
perfectly  immense  reputation  • —  draws  like  a  dog-fight 
—  and  it  all  came  from  getting  burnt  out  in  hotels." 

"  Why,  how  could  that  give  her  a  reputation  as  an 
actress?" 

"It  didn't — it  only  made  her  name  familiar. 
People  want  to  see  her  play  because  her  name  is 
familiar,  but  they  don't  know  what  made  it  familiar, 
because  they  don't  remember.  First,  she  was  at  the 
bottom  of  the  ladder,  and  absolutely  obscure  —  wages 
thirteen  dollars  a  week  and  find  her  own  pads." 

8***  (67) 


68  The  American  Claimant 

"  Pads?" 

"  Yes  —  things  to  fat  up  her  spindles  with  so  as  to 
be  plump  and  attractive.  Well,  she  got  burnt  out  in  a 
hotel  and  lost  $30,000  worth  of  diamonds — " 

14  She?     Where'd  she  get  them?" 

"Goodness  knows  —  given  to  her,  no  doubt,  by 
spoony  young  flats  and  sappy  old  baldheads  in  the 
front  row.  All  the  papers  were  full  of  it.  She  struck 
for  higher  pay  and  got  it.  Well,  she  got  burnt  out 
again  and  lost  all  her  diamonds,  and  it  gave  her  such  a 
lift  that  she  went  starring." 

"  Well,  if  hotel  fires  are  all  she's  got  to  depend  on 
to  keep  up  her  name,  it's  a  pretty  precarious  kind  of  a 
reputation,  I  should  think." 

"  Not  with  her.  No,  anything  but  that.  Because 
she's  so  lucky;  born  lucky,  I  reckon.  Every  time 
there's  a  hotel  fire  she's  in  it.  She's  always  there  — 
and  if  she  can't  be  there  herself,  her  diamonds  are. 
Now  you  can't  make  anything  out  of  that  but  just 
sheer  luck." 

"  I  never  heard  of  such  a  thing.  She  must  have  lost 
quarts  of  diamonds." 

"Quarts!  she's  lost  bushels  of  them.  It's  got  so 
that  the  hotels  are  superstitious  about  her.  They 
won't  let  her  in.  They  think  there  will  be  a  fire;  and, 
besides,  if  she's  there  it  cancels  the  insurance.  She's 
been  waning  a  little  lately,  but  this  fire  will  set  her  up. 
She  lost  $60,000  worth  last  night." 

41  I  think  she's  a  fool.  If  I  had  $60,000  worth  of 
diamonds  I  wouldn't  trust  them  in  a  hotel." 

(*  I  wouldn't  either;  but  you  can't  teach  an  actress 
that.  This  one's  been  burnt  out  thirty-five  times. 
And  yet  if  there's  a  hotel  fire  in  San  Francisco  to- 
night she's  got  to  bleed  again,  you  mark  my  words. 
Perfect  ass;  they  say  she's  got  diamonds  in  every 
hotel  in  the  country." 


The  American  Claimant  69 

When  they  arrived  at  the  scene  of  the  fire  the  poor 
old  earl  took  one  glimpse  at  the  melancholy  morgue 
and  turned  away  his  face,  overcome  by  the  spectacle. 
He  said : 

*'  It  is  too  true,  Hawkins —  recognition  is  impossi- 
ble ;  not  one  of  the  five  could  be  identified  by  its  near- 
est friend.  You  make  the  selection;  I  can't  bear  it." 

"  Which  one  had  I  better  — " 

"  Oh,  take  any  of  them.     Pick  out  the  best  one." 

However,  the  officers  assured  the  earl  —  for  they 
knew  him,  everybody  in  Washington  knew  him  —  that 
the  position  in  which  these  bodies  were  found  made  it 
impossible  that  any  one  of  them  could  be  that  of  his 
noble  young  kinsman.  They  pointed  out  the  spot 
where,  if  the  newspaper  account  was  correct,  he  must 
have  sunk  down  to  destruction ;  and  at  a  wide  distance 
from  this  spot  they  showed  him  where  the  young  man 
must  have  gone  down  in  case  he  was  suffocated  in  his 
room;  and  they  showed  still  a  third  place,  quite  re- 
mote, where  he  might  possibly  have  found  his  death  if 
perchance  he  tried  to  escape  by  the  side  exit  toward 
the  rear.  The  old  Colonel  brushed  away  a  tear,  and 
said  to  Hawkins : 

44  As  it  turns  out,  there  was  something  prophetic  in 
my  fears.  Yes,  it's  a  matter  of  ashes.  Will  you 
kindly  step  to  a  grocery  and  fetch  a  couple  more 
baskets?" 

Reverently  they  got  a  basket  of  ashes  from  each  of 
those  now  hallowed  spots,  and  carried  them  home  to 
consult  as  to  the  best  manner  of  forwarding  them  to 
England,  and  also  to  give  them  an  opportunity  to  "  lie 
in  state" — a  mark  of  respect  which  the  Colonel 
deemed  obligatory,  considering  the  high  rank  of  the 
deceased. 

They  set  the  baskets  on  the  table  in  what  waa 
formerly  the  library,  drawing-room,  and  work-shop  — 


70  The  American  Claimant 

now  the  Hall  of  Audience  —  and  went  upstairs  to  the 
lumber-room  to  see  if  they  could  find  a  British  flag  to 
use  as  a  part  of  the  outfit  proper  to  the  lying  in  state. 
A  moment  later  Lady  Rossmore  came  in  from  the  street 
and  caught  sight  of  the  baskets  just  as  old  Jinny  crossed 
her  field  of  vision.  She  quite  lost  her  patience,  and 
said: 

*  Well,  what  will  you  do  next?  What  in  the  world 
possessed  you  to  clutter  up  the  parlor  table  with  these 
baskets  of  ashes?" 

14  Ashes?"  And  she  came  to  look.  She  put  up 
her  hands  in  pathetic  astonishment.  "  Well,  I  never 
see  de  like!" 

"Didn't  you  do  it?" 

"  Who?  me?  Clah  to  goodness  it's  de  fust  time  I've 
sot  eyes  on  'em,  Miss  Polly.  Dat's  Dan'l.  Dat  ole 
moke  is  losin'  his  mine." 

But  it  wasn't  Dan'l,  for  he  was  called,  and  denied  it. 

"  Dey  ain't  no  way  to  'splain  dat.  Wen  hit's  one 
er  dese-yer  common  'currences,  a  body  kin  reckon 
maybe  de  cat  — ' ' 

"Oh!"  and  a  shudder  shook  Lady  Rossmore  to 
her  foundations.  **  I  see  it  all.  Keep  away  from 
them  —  they're  kis." 

'His,  m'lady?" 

"Yes  —  your  young  Marse  Sellers  from  England 
that's  burnt  up." 

She  was  alone  with  the  ashes  —  alone  before  she 
could  take  half  a  breath.  Then  she  went  after  Mul- 
berry Sellers,  purposing  to  make  short  work  of  his 
programme,  whatever  it  might  be;  "for,"  said  she, 
"  when  his  sentimentals  are  up  he's  a  numskull,  and 
there's  no  knowing  what  extravagance  he'll  contrive  if 
you  let  him  alone."  She  found  him.  He  had  found 
the  flag  and  was  bringing  it.  When  she  heard  that  his 
idea  was  to  have  the  remains  "  lie  in  state,  and  invite 


The  American  Claimant  71 

the  government  and  the  public,"  she  broke  it  up.     She 
said: 

"  Your  intentions  are  all  right  —  they  always  are  — 
you  want  to  do  honor  to  the  remains,  and  surely 
nobody  can  find  any  fault  with  that,  for  he  was  your 
kin;  but  you  are  going  the  wrong  way  about  it,  and 
you  will  see  it  yourself  if  you  stop  and  think.  You 
can't  file  around  a  basket  of  ashes  trying  to  look  sorry 
for  it  and  make  a  sight  that  is  really  solemn,  because 
the  solemner  it  is,  the  more  it  isn't  —  anybody  can  see 
that.  It  would  be  so  with  one  basket ;  it  would  be 
three  times  so  with  three.  Well,  it  stands  to  reason 
that  if  it  wouldn't  be  solemn  with  one  mourner,  it 
wouldn't  be  with  a  procession  —  and  there  would  be 
five  thousand  people  here.  I  don't  know  but  it  would 
be  pretty  near  ridiculous;  I  think  it  would.  No,  Mul- 
berry, they  can't  lie  in  state  —  it  would  be  a  mistake. 
Give  that  up  and  think  of  something  else." 

So  he  gave  it  up ;  and  not  reluctantly,  when  he  had 
thought  it  over  and  realized  how  right  her  instinct  was. 
He  concluded  to  merely  sit  up  with  the  remains  —  just 
himself  and  Hawkins.  Even  this  seemed  a  doubtful 
attention,  to  his  wife,  but  she  offered  no  objection,  for 
it  was  plain  that  he  had  a  quite  honest  and  simple- 
hearted  desire  to  do  the  friendly  and  honorable  thing 
by  these  forlorn  poor  relics  which  could  command  no 
hospitality  in  this  far-off  land  of  strangers  but  his.  He 
draped  the  flag  about  the  baskets,  put  some  crape  on 
the  door-knob,  and  said,  with  satisfaction : 

*  There  —  he  is  as  comfortable  now  as  we  can  make 
him  in  the  circumstances.  Except  —  yes,  we  must 
strain  a  point  there  —  one  must  do  as  one  would  wish 
to  be  done  by  —  he  must  have  it." 

"  Have  what,  dear?" 

11  Hatchment." 

The  wife  felt  that  the  house-front  was  standing  about 


72  The  American  Claimant 

all  it  could  well  stand  in  that  way ;  the  prospect  of 
another  stunning  decoration  of  that  nature  distressed 
her,  and  she  wished  the  thing  had  not  occurred  to  him. 
She  said,  hesitatingly: 

"  But  I  thought  such  an  honor  as  that  wasn't  allowed 
to  any  but  very  very  near  relations,  who  — " 

l<  Right,  you  are  quite  right,  my  lady,  perfectly 
right ;  but  there  aren't  any  nearer  relatives  than  relatives 
by  usurpation.  We  cannot  avoid  it;  we  are  slaves  of 
aristocratic  custom,  and  must  submit." 

The  hatchments  were  unnecessarily  generous,  each 
being  as  large  as  a  blanket,  and  they  were  unnecessarily 
volcanic,  too,  as  to  variety  and  violence  of  color,  but 
they  pleased  the  earl's  barbaric  eye,  and  they  satisfied 
his  taste  for  symmetry  and  completeness,  too,  for  they 
left  no  waste  room  to  speak  of  on  the  house-front. 

Lady  Rossmore  and  her  daughter  assisted  at  the 
sitting-up  till  near  midnight,  and  helped  the  gentlemen 
to  consider  what  ought  to  be  done  next  with  the  re- 
mains. Rossmore  thought  they  ought  to  be  sent 
home  —  with  a  committee  and  resolutions  —  at  once. 
But  the  wife  was  doubtful.  She  said  : 

"  Would  you  send  all  of  the  baskets?" 

"  Oh,  yes,  all." 

"All  at  once?" 

"To  his  father?  Oh,  no  —  by  no  means.  Think 
of  the  shock.  £Io  —  one  at  a  time ;  break  it  to  him 
by  degrees." 

"  Would  that  have  that  effect,  father?" 

"  Yes,  my  daughter.  Remember,  you  are  young 
and  elastic,  but  he  is  old.  To  send  him  the  whole  at 
once  might  well  be  more  than  he  could  bear.  But 
mitigated  —  one  basket  at  a  time,  with  restful  intervals 
between,  he  would  be  used  to  it  by  the  time  he  got  all 
of  him.  And  sending  him  in  three  ships  is  safer  any- 
way. On  account  of  wrecks  and  storms." 


The  American  Claimant  73 

"  I  don't  like  the  idea,  father.  If  I  were  his  father 
it  would  be  dreadful  to  have  him  coming  in  that  —  in 
that—" 

**  On  the  installment  plan,"  suggested  Hawkins; 
gravely,  and  proud  of  being  able  to  help. 

"  Yes  —  dreadful  to  have  him  coming  in  that  inco- 
herent way.  There  would  be  the  strain  of  suspense 
upon  me  all  the  time.  To  have  so  depressing  a  thing 
as  a  funeral  impending,  delayed,  waiting,  unaccom- 
plished—" 

l<  Oh,  no,  my  child,"  said  the  earl,  reassuringly, 
"  there  would  be  nothing  of  that  kind ;  so  old  a  gentle- 
man could  not  endure  a  long-drawn  suspense  like  that. 
There  will  be  three  funerals." 

Lady  Rossmore  looked  up  surprised,  and  said: 

14  How  is  that  going  to  make  it  easier  for  him?  It's 
a  total  mistake,  to  my  mind.  He  ought  to  be  buried 
all  at  once;  I'm  sure  of  it." 

"  I  should  think  so,  too,"  said  Hawkins. 

14  And  certainly  /should,"  said  the  daughter. 
*  You  are  all  wrong,"  said  the  earl.     *'  You  will  see 
it  yourselves  if  you  think.     Only  one  of  these  baskets 
has  got  him  in  it." 

*'  Very  well,  then,"  said  Lady  Rossmore,  "  the 
thing  is  perfectly  simple  —  bury  that  one." 

"  Certainly,"  said  Lady  Gwendolen. 

"  But  it  is  not  simple,"  said  the  earl,  "  because  we 
do  not  know  which  basket  he  is  in.  We  know  he  is  in 
one  of  them,  but  that  is  all  we  do  know.  You  see  now, 
I  reckon,  that  I  was  right;  it  takes  three  funerals,  there 
is  no  other  way."  « 

"  And  three  graves  and  three  monuments  and  three 
inscriptions?"  asked  the  daughter. 

"Well  — yes  — to  do  it  right.  That  is  what  1 
should  do." 

'*  It  could  not  be  done  so,  father.     Each  of  the  in- 


74  The  American  Claimant 

scriptions  would  give  the  same  name  and  the  same  facts 
and  say  he  was  under  each  and  all  of  these  monuments, 
and  that  would  not  answer  at  all." 

The  earl  nestled  uncomfortably  in  his  chair. 

"  No,"  he  said,  "  that  is  an  objection.  That  is  a 
serious  objection.  I  see  no  way  out." 

There  was  a  general  silence  for  a  while.  Then 
Hawkins  said : 

4  *  It  seems  to  me  that  if  we  mixed  the  three  ramifica- 
tions together  — ' 

The  earl  grasped  him  by  the  hand  and  shook  it 
gratefully. 

"  It  solves  the  whole  problem,"  he  said.  "  One 
ship,  one  funeral,  one  grave,  one  monument  —  it  is 
admirably  conceived.  It  does  you  honor,  Major  Haw- 
kins, it  has  relieved  me  of  a  most  painful  embarrass- 
ment and  distress,  and  it  will  save  that  poor  stricken 
old  father  much  suffering.  Yes,  he  shall  go  over  in 
one  basket." 

"  When?"  asked  the  wife. 

"  To-morrow —  immediately,  of  course." 

"  I  would  wait,  Mulberry." 
'Wait?     Why?" 

"  You  don't  want  to  break  that  childless  old  man's 
heart." 

11  God  knows  I  don't." 

"  Then  wait  till  he  sends  for  his  son's  remains.  If 
you  do  that  you  will  never  have  to  give  him  the  last 
and  sharpest  pain  a  parent  can  know  —  I  mean,  the 
certainty  that  his  son  is  dead.  For  he  will  never 
send." 

41  Why  won't  he?" 

'*  Because  to  send  —  and  find  out  the  truth  —  would 
rob  him  of  the  one  precious  thing  left  him :  the  uncer- 
tainty, the  dim  hope  that  maybe,  after  all,  his  boy 
escaped,  and  he  will  see  him  again  some  day." 


The  American  Claimant  75 

"  Why,  Polly,  he'll  know  by  the  papers  that  he  was 
burnt  up." 

14  He  won't  let  himself  believe  the  papers;  he'll 
argue  against  anything  and  everything  that  proves  his 
son  is  dead ;  and  he  will  keep  that  up  and  live  on  it, 
and  on  nothing  else  till  he  dies.  But  if  the  remains 
should  actually  come,  and  be  put  before  that  poor  old 
dim-hoping  soul  — 

"Oh,  my  God,  they  never  shall!  Polly,  you've 
saved  me  from  a  crime,  and  I'll  bless  you  for  it  always. 
Now  we  know  what  to  do.  We'll  place  them  reverently 
away,  and  he  shall  never  know." 


CHAPTER  X. 

THE  young  Lord  Berkeley,  with  the  fresh  air  of 
freedom  in  his  nostrils,  was  feeling  invincibly 
strong  for  his  new  career ;  and  yet  —  and  yet  —  if  the 
fight  should  prove  a  very  hard  one  at  first,  very  dis- 
couraging, very  taxing  on  untoughened  moral  sinews, 
he  might  in  some  weak  moment  want  to  retreat.  Not 
likely,  of  course,  but  possibly  that  might  happen. 
And  so,  on  the  whole,  it  might  be  pardonable  caution 
to  burn  his  bridges  behind  him.  Oh,  without  doubt. 
He  must  not  stop  with  advertising  for  the  owner  of  that 
money,  but  must  put  it  where  he  could  not  borrow 
from  it  himself,  meantime,  under  stress  of  circum- 
stances. So  he  went  down  town  and  put  in  his  adver- 
tisement, then  went  to  a  bank  and  handed  in  $500  for 
deposit. 

"  What  name?" 

He  hesitated  and  colored  a  little ;  he  had  forgotten 
to  make  a  selection.  He  now  brought  out  the  first 
one  that  suggested  itself: 

"  Howard  Tracy." 

When  he  was  gone,  the  clerks,  marveling,  said: 

"  The  cowboy  blushed." 

The  first  step  was  accomplished.  The  money  was 
still  under  his  command  and  at  his  disposal,  but  the 
next  step  would  dispose  of  that  difficulty.  He  went  to 
another  bank  and  drew  upon  the  first  bank  for  the 
$500  by  check.  The  money  was  collected  and  de- 

(76) 


The  American  Claimant  7? 

posited  a  second  time  to  the  credit  of  Howard  Tracy. 
He  was  asked  to  leave  a  few  samples  of  his  signature, 
which  he  did.  Then  he  went  away,  once  more  proud 
and  of  perfect  courage,  saying: 

"  No  help  for  me  now,  for  henceforth  I  couldn't 
draw  that  money  without  identification,  and  that  is  be- 
come legally  impossible.  No  resources  to  fall  back 
on.  It  is  work  or  starve  from  now  to  the  end.  I  am 
ready  —  and  not  afraid!" 

Then  he  sent  this  cablegram  to  his  father : 

Escaped  unhurt  from  burning  hotel.  Have  taken  fictitious  name. 
Good-bye. 

During  the  evening,  while  he  was  wandering  about  in 
one  of  the  outlying  districts  of  the  city,  he  came  across 
a  small  brick  church,  with  a  bill  posted  there  with  these 
words  printed  on  it:  "  MECHANICS'  CLUB  DEBATE. 
ALL  INVITED."  He  saw  people,  apparently  mainly 
of  the  working  class,  entering  the  place,  and  he  fol- 
lowed and  took  his  seat.  It  was  a  humble  little  church, 
quite  bare  as  to  ornamentation.  It  had  painted  pews 
without  cushions,  and  no  pulpit,  properly  speaking, 
but  it  had  a  platform.  On  the  platform  sat  the  chair- 
man, and  by  his  side  sat  a  man  who  held  a  manuscript 
in  his  hand  and  had  the  waiting  look  of  one  who  is 
going  to  perform  the  principal  part.  The  church  was 
soon  filled  with  a  quiet  and  orderly  congregation  of 
decently  dressed  and  modest  people.  This  is  what  the 
chairman  said: 

' '  The  essayist  for  this  evening  is  an  old  member  of 
our  club  whom  you  all  know,  Mr.  Parker,  assistant 
editor  of  the  Daily  Democrat.  The  subject  of  his  essay 
is  the  American  Press,  and  he  will  use  as  his  text  a 
couple  of  paragraphs  taken  from  Mr.  Matthew  Arnold's 
new  book.  He  asks  me  to  read  these  texts  for  him. 
The  first  is  as  follows : 

6A 


78  The  American  Claimant 

"  '  Goethe  says  somewhere  that  *  the  thrill  of  awe,'  that  is  to  say, 
REVERENCE,  is  the  best  thing  humanity  has.' 

"  Mr.  Arnold's  other  paragraph  is  as  follows: 

"  I  should  say  that  if  one  were  searching  for  the  best  means  to  efface 
and  kill  in  a  whole  nation  the  discipline  of  respect,  one  could  not  do  better 
than  take  the  American  newspapers." 

Mr.  Parker  rose  and  bowed,  and  was  received  with 
warm  applause.  He  then  began  to  read  in  a  good, 
round,  resonant  voice,  with  clear  enunciation  and  care- 
ful attention  to  his  pauses  and  emphases.  His  points 
were  received  with  approval  as  he  went  on. 

The  essayist  took  the  position  that  the  most  important 
function  of  a  public  journal  in  any  country  was  the 
propagating  of  national  feeling  and  pride  in  the  national 
name  —  the  keeping  the  people  "  in  love  with  their 
country  and  its  institutions,  and  shielded  from  the 
allurements  of  alien  and  inimical  systems."  He 
sketched  the  manner  in  which  the  reverent  Turkish  or 
Russian  journalist  fulfilled  this  function  —  the  one 
assisted  by  the  prevalent  *  *  discipline  of  respect ' '  for 
the  bastinado,  the  other  for  Siberia.  Continuing,  he 
said: 

The  chief  function  of  an  English  journal  is  that  of  all  other  journals  the 
world  over:  it  must  keep  the  public  eye  fixed  admiringly  upon  certain  things, 
and  keep  it  diligently  diverted  from  certain  others.  For  instance,  it  must 
keep  the  public  eye  fixed  admiringly  upon  the  glories  of  England,  a  pro- 
cessional splendor  stretching  its  receding  line  down  the  hazy  vistas  of  time, 
with  the  mellowed  lights  of  a  thousand  years  glinting  from  its  banners;  and 
it  must  keep  it  diligently  diverted  from  the  fact  that  all  these  glories  were 
for  the  enrichment  and  aggrandizement  of  the  petted  and  privileged  few,  at 
cost  of  the  blood  and  sweat  and  poverty  of  the  unconsidered  masses  who 
achieved  them,  but  might  not  enter  in  and  partake  of  them.  It  must  keep 
the  public  eye  fixed  in  loving  and  awful  reverence  upon  the  throne  as  a 
sacred  thing,  and  diligently  divert  it  from  the  fact  that  no  throne  was  ever 
set  up  by  the  unhampered  vote  of  a  majority  of  any  nation;  and  that 
hence  no  throne  exists  that  has  a  right  to  exist,  and  no  symbol  of  it,  flying 


The  American  Claimant  79 

from  any  flagstaff,  is  righteously  entitled  to  wear  any  device  but  the  skull 
and  crossbones  of  that  kindred  industry  which  differs  from  royalty  only 
business-wise  —  merely  as  retail  difiers  from  wholesale.  It  must  keep  the 
citizen's  eye  fixed  in  reverent  docility  upon  that  curious  invention  of  machine 
politics,  an  Established  Church,  ana  upon  that  bald  contradiction  of  com- 
mon justice,  a  hereditary  nobility;  and  diligently  divert  it  from  the  fact 
that  the  one  damns  him  if  he  doesn't  wear  its  collar,  and  robs  him  under 
the  gentle  name  of  taxation  whether  he  wears  it  or  not,  and  the  other  gets 
all  the  honors  while  he  does  all  the  work. 

The  essayist  thought  that  Mr.  Arnold,  with  his 
trained  eye  and  intelligent  observation,  ought  to  have 
perceived  that  the  very  quality  which  he  so  regretfully 
missed  from  our  press  —  respectfulness,  reverence  — 
was  exactly  the  thing  which  would  make  our  press 
useless  to  us  if  it  had  it  —  rob  it  of  the  very  thing 
which  differentiates  it  from  all  other  journalism  in  the 
world  and  makes  it  distinctively  and  preciously  Ameri- 
can, its  frank  and  cheerful  irreverence  being  by  all 
odds  the  most  valuable  of  all  its  qualities.  "  For  its 
mission  —  overlooked  by  Mr.  Arnold  —  is  to  stand 
guard  over  a  nation's  liberties,  not  its  humbugs  and 
shams."  He  thought  that  if  during  fifty  years  the 
institutions  of  the  old  world  could  be  exposed  to  the 
fire  of  a  flouting  and  scoffing  press  like  ours,  "  mon- 
archy and  its  attendant  crimes  would  disappear  from 
Christendom."  Monarchists  might  doubt  this;  then 
"  why  not  persuade  the  Czar  to  give  it  a  trial  in 
Russia?"  Concluding,  he  said: 

Well,  the  charge  is,  that  our  press  has  but  little  of  that  old  worid 
quality,  reverence.  Let  us  be  candidly  grateful  that  it  is  so.  With  its 
limited  reverence  it  at  least  reveres  the  things  which  this  nation  reveres,  as 
a  rule,  and  that  is  sufficient :  what  other  people  revere  is  fairly  and  properly 
matter  of  light  importance  to  us.  Our  press  does  not  reverence  kings,  it 
does  not  reverence  so-called  nobilities;  it  does  not  reverence  established 
ecclesiastical  slaveries,  it  does  not  reverence  laws  which  rob  a  younger  son 
to  fatten  an  elder  one,  it  does  not  reverence  any  fraud  or  sham  or  infamy, 
howsoever  old  or  rotten  or  holy,  which  sets  one  citizen  above  his  neigbboi 


80  The  American  Claimant 

by  accident  of  birth;  it  does  not  reverence  any  law  or  custom,  howsoevei 
old  or  decayed  or  sacred,  which  shuts  against  the  best  man  in  the  land  the 
best  place  in  the  land  and  the  divine  right  to  prove  property  and  go  up  and 
occupy  it.  In  the  sense  of  the  poet  Goethe  —  that  meek  idolater  of  pro- 
vincial three  carat  royalty  and  nobility  —  our  press  is  certainly  bankrupt  in 
the  "thrill  of  awe" — otherwise  reverence;  reverence  for  nickel  plate  and 
brummagem.  Let  us  sincerely  hope  that  this  fact  will  remain  a  fact  for- 
ever; for  to  my  rnind  a  discriminating  irreverence  is  the  creator  and  pro- 
tector of  human  liberty  —  even  as  the  other  thing  is  the  creator,  nurse,  and 
steadfast  protector  of  all  forms  of  .human  slavery,  bodily  and  mental. 

Tracy  said  to  himself,  almost  shouted  to  himself, 
"I'm  glad  I  came  to  this  country.  I  was  right.  I 
was  right  to  seek  out  a  land  where  such  healthy  prin- 
ciples and  theories  are  in  men's  hearts  and  minds. 
Think  of  the  innumerable  slaveries  imposed  by  mis- 
placed reverence !  How  well  he  brought  that  out,  and 
how  true  it  is.  There's  manifestly  prodigious  force  in 
reverence.  If  you  can  get  a  man  to  reverence  your 
ideals,  he's  your  slave.  Oh,  yes;  in  all  the  ages  the 
peoples  of  Europe  have  been  diligently  taught  to  avoid 
reasoning  about  the  shams  of  monarchy  and  nobility, 
been  taught  to  avoid  examining  them,  been  taught  to 
reverence  them ;  and  now,  as  a  natural  result,  to  rever- 
ence them  is  a  second  nature.  In  order  to  shock  them 
it  is  sufficient  to  inject  a  thought  of  the  opposite  kind 
into  their  dull  minds.  For  ages,  any  expression  of  so- 
called  irreverence  from  their  lips  has  been  sin  and 
crime.  The  sham  and  swindle  of  all  this  is  apparent 
the  moment  one  reflects  that  he  is  himself  the  only 
legitimately  qualified  judge  of  what  is  entitled  to  rever- 
ence and  what  is  not.  Come,  I  hadn't  thought  of  that 
before,  but  it  is  true,  absolutely  true.  What  right  has 
Goethe,  what  right  has  Arnold,  what  right  has  any  dic- 
tionary, to  define  the  word  Irreverence  for  me?  What 
their  ideals  are  is  nothing  to  me.  So  long  as  I  rever- 
ence my  own  ideals  my  whole  duty  is  done,  and  I 


The  American  Claimant  81 

commit  no  profanation  if  I  laugh  at  theirs.  I  may 
scoff  at  other  people's  ideals  as  much  as  I  want  t'o.  It 
is  my  right  and  my  privilege.  No  man  has  any  right 
to  deny  it." 

Tracy  was  expecting  to  hear  the  essay  debated,  but 
this  did  not  happen.  The  chairman  said,  by  way  of 
explanation : 

"  I  would  say,  for  the  information  of  the  strangers 
present  here,  that  in  accordance  with  our  custom  the 
subject  of  this  meeting  will  be  debated  at  the  next 
meeting  of  the  club.  This  is  in  order  to  enable  our 
members  to  prepare  what  they  may  wish  to  say  upon 
the  subject  with  pen  and  paper,  for  we  are  mainly 
mechanics  and  unaccustomed  to  speaking.  We  are 
obliged  to  write  down  what  we  desire  to  say." 

Many  brief  papers  were  now  read,  and  several  off- 
hand speeches  made  in  discussion  of  the  essay  read  at 
the  last  meeting  of  the  club,  which  had  been  a  lauda- 
tion, by  some  visiting  professor,  of  college  culture,  and 
the  grand  results  flowing  from  it  to  the  nation.  One 
of  the  papers  was  read  by  a  man  approaching  middle 
age,  who  said  he  hadn't  had  a  college  education,  that 
he  had  got  his  education  in  a  printing  office,  and  had 
graduated  from  there  into  the  patent  office,  where  he 
had  been  a  clerk  now  for  a  great  many  years.  Then 
he  continued  to  this  effect: 

The  essayist  contrasted  the  America  of  to-day  with  the  America  oi 
bygone  times,  and  certainly  the  result  is  the  exhibition  of  a  mighty  progress. 
But  I  think  he  a  little  overrated  the  college-culture  share  in  the  production 
of  that  result.  It  can  no  doubt  be  easily  shown  that  the  colleges  have  con- 
tributed the  intellectual  part  of  this  progress,  and  that  that  part  is  vast;  but 
that  the  material  progress  has  been  immeasurably  vaster,  I  think  you  will 
concede.  Now  I  have  been  looking  over  a  list  of  inventors  —  the  creators 
of  this  amazing  material  development  —  and  I  find  that  they  were  not 
college-bred  men.  Of  course  there  are  exceptions  —  like  Professor  Henry 
of  Princeton,  the  inventor  of  Mr.  Morse's  system  of  telegraphy — but  these 
6*** 


82  The  American  Claimant 

exceptions  are  few.  It  is  not  overstatement  to  say  that  the  imagination- 
stunning  material  development  of  this  century,  the  only  century  worth 
living  in  since  time  itself  was  invented,  is  the  creation  of  men  not  college- 
bred.  We  think  we  see  what  these  inventors  have  done :  no,  we  see  only 
the  visible  vast  frontage  of  their  work;  behind  it  is  their  far  vaster  work, 
and  it  is  invisible  to  the  careless  glance.  They  have  reconstructed  this 
nation  —  made  it  over,  that  is — and,  metaphorically  speaking,  have  multi- 
plied its  numbers  almost  beyond  the  power  of  figures  to  express.  I  will 
explain  what  I  mean.  What  constitutes  the  population  of  a  land  ?  Merely 
the  numberable  packages  of  meat  and  bones  in  it  called  by  courtesy  men  and 
women?  Shall  a  million  ounces  of  brass  and  a  million  ounces  of  gold  be 
held  to  be  of  the  same  value  ?  Take  a  truer  standard :  the  measure  of  a 
man's  contributing  capacity  to  his  time  and  his  people  —  the  work  he  can 
do  —  and  then  number  the  population  of  this  country  to-day,  as  multiplied 
by  what  a  man  can  now  do  more  than  his  grandfather  could  do.  By  this 
standard  of  measurement,  this  nation,  two  or  three  generations  ago,  con- 
sisted of  mere  cripples,  paralytics,  dead  men,  as  compared  with  the  men  of 
to-day.  In  1840  our  population  was  17,000,000.  By  the  way  of  rude  but 
striking  illustration,  let  us  consider,  for  argument's  sake,  that  four  of  these 
millions  consisted  of  aged  people,  little  children,  and  other  incapables,  and 
that  the  remaining  13,000,000  were  divided  and  employed  as  follows: 

2,000,000  as  ginners  of  cotton. 

6,000,000  (women)  as  stocking-knitters. 

2,000,000  (women)  as  thread-spinners. 

500,000  as  screw-makers. 

400,000  as  reapers,  binders,  etc. 

1,000,000  as  corn-shellers. 

40,000  as  weavers. 

1,000  as  stitchers  of  shoe  soles. 

Now  the  deductions  which  I  am  going  to  append  to  these  figures  may 
Bound  extravagant,  but  they  are  not.  I  take  them  from  Miscellaneous 
Documents  No.  50,  second  session  45th  Congress,  and  they  are  official  and 
trustworthy.  To-day  the  work  of  those  2,000,000  cotton-ginners  is  done 
by  2,000  men;  that  of  the  6,000,000  stocking-knitters  is  done  by  3,000 
boys;  that  of  the  2,000,000  thread-spinners  is  done  by  1,000  girls;  that  of 
the  500,000  screw-makers  is  done  by  500  girls;  that  of  the  400,000  reapers, 
binders,  etc.,  is  done  by  4,000  boys;  that  of  the  1,000,000  corn-shellers  is 
done  by  7,500  men;  that  of  the  40,000  weavers  is  done  by  1,200  men;  and 
that  of  the  1,000  stitchers  of  shoe  soles  is  done  by  6  men.  To  bunch  the 
Igures,  1 7,000  persons  to-day  do  the  above  work,  whereas  fifty  years  ago  it 


The  American  Claimant  83 

would  have  taken  thirteen  millions  of  persons  to  do  it.  Now  then,  how 
many  of  that  ignorant  race  —  our  fathers  and  grandfathers  —  with  their 
ignorant  methods,  would  it  take  to  do  our  work  to-day?  It  would  take 
forty  thousand  millions  —  a  hundred  times  the  swarming  population  of 
China — twenty  times  the  present  population  of  the  globe.  You  look 
around  you  and  you  see  a  nation  of  sixty  millions  —  apparently;  but  secreted 
in  their  hands  and  brains,  and  invisible  to  your  eyes,  is  the  true  population 
of  this  Republic,  and  it  numbers  forty  billions!  It  is  the  stupendous 
creation  of  those  humble,  unlettered,  un-college-bred  inventors — all  honor 
to  their  name. 

4 '  How  grand  that  is ! "  said  Tracy,  as  he  wended 
homeward.  *  What  a  civilization  it  is,  and  what  pro- 
digious results  these  are !  and  brought  about  almost 
wholly  by  common  men ;  not  by  Oxford-trained  aristo- 
crats, but  men  who  stand  shoulder  to  shoulder  in  the 
humble  ranks  of  life  and  earn  the  bread  that  they  eat. 
Again,  I'm  glad  I  came.  I  have  found  a  country  at 
last  where  one  may  start  fair,  and,  breast  to  breast  with 
his  fellow-man,  rise  by  his  own  efforts,  and  be  some- 
thing in  the  world  and  be  proud  of  that  something; 
not  be  something  created  by  an  ancestor  three  hundred 
years  ago." 


CHAPTER   XL 

DURING  the  first  few  days  he  kept  the  fact  diligently 
before  his  mind  that  he  was  in  a  land  where  there 
was  "  work  and  bread  for  all."  In  fact,  for  con- 
venience's sake  he  fitted  it  to  a  little  tune  and  hummed 
it  to  himself;  but  as  time  wore  on  the  fact  itself  began 
to  take  on  a  doubtful  look,  and  next  the  tune  got 
fatigued  and  presently  ran  down  and  stopped.  His 
first  effort  was  to  get  an  upper  clerkship  in  one  of  the 
departments,  where  his  Oxford  education  could  come 
into  play  and  do  him  service.  But  he  stood  no  chance 
whatever.  There  competency  was  no  recommenda- 
tion ;  political  backing,  without  competency,  was  worth 
six  of  it.  He  was  glaringly  English,  and  that  was 
necessarily  against  him  in  the  political  center  of  a 
nation  where  both  parties  prayed  for  the  Irish  cause  on 
the  house-top  and  blasphemed  it  in  the  cellar.  By  his 
dress  he  was  a  cowboy ;  that  won  him  respect  —  when 
his  back  was  not  turned  —  but  it  couldn't  get  a  clerk- 
ship for  him.  But  he  had  said,  in  a  rash  moment,  that 
he  would  wear  those  clothes  till  the  owner  or  the 
owner's  friends  caught  sight  of  them  and  asked  for  that 
money,  and  his  conscience  would  not  let  him  retire 
from  that  engagement  now. 

At  the  end  of  a  week  things  were  beginning  to  wear 
rather  a  startling  look.  He  had  hunted  everywhere 
for  work,  descending  gradually  the  scale  of  quality, 
until  apparently  he  had  sued  for  all  the  various  kinds 

(84) 


The  American  Claimant  85 

of  work  a  man  without  a  special  calling  might  hope 
to  be  able  to  do,  except  ditching  and  the  other 
coarse  manual  sorts  —  and  had  got  neither  work  nor 
the  promise  of  it. 

He  was  mechanically  turning  over  the  leaves  of  his 
diary  meanwhile,  and  now  his  eye  fell  upon  the  first 
record  made  after  he  was  burnt  out : 

I  myself  did  not  doubt  my  stamina  before;  nobody  could  doubt  it  now, 
if  they  could  see  how  I  am  housed,  and  realize  that  I  feel  absolutely  no 
disgust  with  these  quarters,  but  am  as  serenely  content  with  them  as  any 
dog  would  be  in  a  similar  kennel.  Terms,  twenty-five  dollars  a  week.  I 
said  I  would  start  at  the  bottom.  I  have  kept  my  word. 

A  shudder  went  quaking  through  him,  and  he  ex- 
claimed : 

' '  What  have  I  been  thinking  of !  This  the  bottom  ! 
Mooning  along  a  whole  week,  and  these  terrific  ex- 
penses climbing  and  climbing  all  the  time !  I  must  end 
this  folly  straightway." 

He  settled  up  at  once  and  went  forth  to  find  less 
sumptuous  lodgings.  He  had  to  wander  far  and  seek 
with  diligence,  but  he  succeeded.  They  made  him  pay 
in  advance  —  four  dollars  and  a  half ;  this  secured 
both  bed  and  food  for  a  week.  The  good-natured, 
hard-worked  landlady  took  him  up  three  flights  of 
narrow,  uncarpeted  stairs  and  delivered  him  into  his 
room.  There  were  two  double  bedsteads  in  it  and 
one  single  one.  He  would  be  allowed  to  sleep  alone 
in  one  of  the  double  beds  until  some  new  boarder 
should  come,  but  he  wouldn't  be  charged  extra. 

So  he  would  presently  be  required  to  sleep  with  some 
stranger !  The  thought  of  it  made  him  sick.  Mrs. 
Marsh,  the  landlady,  was  very  friendly,  and  hoped  he 
would  like  her  house  —  they  all  liked  it,  she  said. 

"And  they're  a  very  nice  set  of  boys.  They  carry 
on  a  good  deal,  but  that's  their  fun.  You  see,  this 


86  The  American  Claimant 

room  opens  right  into  this  back  one,  and  sometimes 
they're  all  in  one  and  sometimes  in  the  other;  and  hot 
nights  they  all  sleep  on  the  roof  when  it  don't  rain. 
They  get  out  there  the  minute  it's  hot  enough.  The 
season's  so  early  that  they've  already  had  a  night  or 
two  up  there.  If  you'd  like  to  go  up  and  pick  out  a 
place,  you  can.  You'll  find  chalk  in  the  side  of  the 
chimney  where  there's  a  brick  wanting.  You  just  take 
the  chalk  and  —  but,  of  course,  you've  done  it  before." 

"  Oh,  no,  I  haven't.'' 

'  Why,  of  course,  you  haven't — what  am  I  think- 
ing of?  Plenty  of  room  on  the  Plains  without  chalk- 
ing, I'll  be  bound.  Well,  you  just  chalk  out  a  place 
the  size  of  a  blanket  anywhere  on  the  tin  that  ain't 
already  marked  off,  you  know,  and  that's  your  prop- 
erty. You  and  your  bed-mate  take  turn-about  carry- 
ing up  the  blanket  and  pillows  and  fetching  them  down 
again;  or  one  carries  them  up  and  the  other  fetches 
them  down ;  you  fix  it  the  way  you  like,  you  know. 
You'll  like  the  boys;  they're  everlasting  sociable  — 
except  the  printer.  He's  the  one  that  sleeps  in  that 
single  bed  —  the  strangest  creature;  why,  I  don't  be- 
lieve you  could  get  that  man  to  sleep  with  another 
man,  not  if  the  house  was  afire.  Mind  you,  I'm  not 
just  talking,  I  know.  The  boys  tried  him  to  see. 
They  took  his  bed  out  one  night,  and  so  when  he  got 
home  about  three  in  the  morning  —  he  was  on  a  morn- 
ing paper  then,  but  he's  on  an  evening  one  now  — 
there  wasn't  any  place  for  him  but  with  the  iron 
moulder;  and  if  you'll  believe  me,  he  just  set  up  the 
rest  of  the  night — he  did,  honest.  They  say  he's 
cracked,  but  it  ain't  so,  he's  English  —  they're  awful 
particular.  You  won't  mind  my  saying  that.  You  — 
you're  English?" 

44  Yes." 

"  I  thought  so.     I  could  tell  it  by  the  way  you  mis- 


The  American  Claimant  87 

pronounce  the  words  that's  got  a's  in  them,  you  know; 
such  as  saying  loff  when  you  mean  laff  —  but  you'll  get 
over  that.  He's  a  right  down  good  fellow,  and  a  little 
sociable  with  the  photographer's  boy  and  the  caulker 
and  the  blacksmith  that  work  in  the  navy  yard,  but  not 
so  much  with  the  others.  The  fact  is,  though  it's 
private,  and  the  others  don't  know  it,  he's  a  kind  of 
an  aristocrat,  his  father  being  a  doctor,  and  you  know 
what  style  that  is  —  in  England,  I  mean,  because  in 
this  country  a  doctor  ain't  so  very  much,  even  if  he's 
that.  But  over  there,  of  course,  it's  different.  So 
this  chap  had  a  falling  out  with  his  father,  and  was 
pretty  high  strung,  and  just  cut  for  this  country,  and 
the  first  he  knew  he  had  to  get  to  work  or  starve. 
Well,  he'd  been  to  college,  you  see,  and  so  he  judged 
he  was  all  right  —  did  you  say  anything?" 

"No —  I  only  sighed." 

"  And  there's  where  he  was  mistaken.  Why,  he 
mighty  near  starved.  And  I  reckon  he  would  have 
starved  sure  enough  if  some  jour'  printer  or  other 
hadn't  took  pity  on  him  and  got  him  a  place  as  ap- 
prentice. So  he  learned  the  trade,  and  then  he  was  all 
right  —  but  it  was  a  close  call.  Once  he  thought  he 
had  got  to  haul  in  his  pride  and  holler  for  his  father, 
and  —  why,  you're  sighing  again.  Is  anything  the 
matter  with  you  ?  —  does  my  clatter  — ' ' 

"  Oh,  dear-no.     Pray  go  on  —  I  like  it." 

"  Yes,  you  see,  he's  been  over  here  ten  years;  he's 
twenty-eight  now,  and  he  ain't  pretty  well  satisfied  in 
his  mind,  because  he  can't  get  reconciled  to  being  a 
mechanic  and  associating  with  mechanics,  he  being,  as 
he  says  to  me,  a  gentleman,  which  is  a  pretty  plain 
letting-on  that  the  boys  ain't,  but  of  course  I  know 
enough  not  to  let  that  cat  out  of  the  bag." 

"  Why  —  would  there  be  any  harm  in  it?" 

Harm  in   it?     They'd    lick  him,    wouldn't  they? 


t « 


88  The  American  Claimant 

Wouldn't  you  ?  Of  course  you  would.  Don't  you  evel 
let  a  man  say  you  ain't  a  gentleman  in  this  country. 
But  laws,  what  am  I  thinking  about?  I  reckon  a  body 
would  think  twice  before  he  said  a  cowboy  wasn't  a 
gentleman." 

A  trim,  active,  slender,  and  very  pretty  girl  of 
about  eighteen  walked  into  the  room  now,  in  the  most 
satisfied  and  unembarrassed  way.  She  was  cheaply 
but  smartly  and  gracefully  dressed,  and  the  mother's 
quick  glance  at  the  stranger's  face  as  he  rose  was  of 
the  kind  which  inquires  what  effect  has  been  produced, 
and  expects  to  find  indications  of  surprise  and  admira- 
tion. 

'  This   is   my  daughter  Hattie  —  we  call  her   Puss. 
It's  the  new  boarder,  Puss."     This  without  rising. 

The  young  Englishman  made  the  awkward  bow 
common  to  his  nationality  and  time  of  life  in  circum- 
stances of  delicacy  and  difficulty,  and  these  were  of 
that  sort;  for,  being  taken  by  surprise,  his  natural, 
lifelong  self  sprang  to  the  front,  and  that  self,  of 
course,  would  not  know  just  how  to  act  when  Intro- 
duced to  a  chambermaid,  or  to  the  heiress  of  a 
mechanics'  boarding  house.  His  other  self  —  the  self 
which  recognized  the  equality  of  all  men  —  would  have 
managed  the  thing  better  if  it  hadn't  been  caught  off 
guard  and  robbed  of  its  chance.  The  young  girl  paid 
no  attention  to  the  bow,  but  put  out  her  hand  frankly 
and  gave  the  stranger  a  friendly  shake,  and  said : 

"  How  do  you  do?" 

Then  she  marched  to  the  one  washstand  in  the 
room,  tilted  her  head  this  way  and  that  before  the 
wreck  of  a  cheap  mirror  that  hung  above  it,  dampened 
her  fingers  with  her  tongue,  perfected  the  circle  of  a 
little  lock  of  hair  that  was  pasted  against  her  forehead, 
then  began  to  busy  herself  with  the  slops. 

11  Well,  I  must  be  going — it's  getting  toward  supper 


The  American  Claimant  89 

time.     Make  yourself  at  home,  Mr.  Tracy;  you'll  hear 
the  bell  when  it's  ready." 

The  landlady  took  her  tranquil  departure  without 
commanding  either  of  the  young  people  to  vacate  the 
room.  The  young  man  wondered  a  little  that  a  mother 
who  seemed  so  honest  and  respectable  should  be  so 
thoughtless,  and  was  reaching  for  his  hat,  intending  to 
disembarrass  the  girl  of  his  presence ;  but  she  said : 
'  Where  are  you  going?" 

4  Well  —  nowhere  in  particular,  but  as  I  am  only  in 
the  way  here  — ' ' 

1  Why,  who  said  you  were  in  the  way?    Sit  down  — 
I'll  move  you  when  you  are  in  the  way." 

She  was  making  the  beds  now.  He  sat  down  and 
watched  her  deft  and  diligent  performance. 

'  What   gave  you   that  notion?     Do  you   reckon  I 

need  a  whole  room  just  to  make  up  a  bed  or  two  in?" 

1  Well,  no,  it  wasn't  that,  exactly.     We   are  away 

up   here   in   an   empty  house,  and  your  mother  being 

gone—" 

The  girl  interrupted  him  with  an  amused  laugh,  and 
said: 

"  Nobody  to  protect  me?  Bless  you,  I  don't  need 
it.  I'm  not  afraid.  I  might  be  if  I  was  alone,  because 
I  do  hate  ghosts,  and  I  don't  deny  it.  Not  that  I 
believe  in  them,  for  I  don't.  I'm  only  just  afraid  of 
them." 

"  How  can  you  be  afraid  of  them  if  you  don't  be- 
lieve in  them?" 

"  Oh,  /  don't  know  the  how  of  it  —  that's  too  many 
for  me  ;  I  only  know  it's  so.  It's  the  same  with  Maggie 
Lee." 

4  Who  is  that?" 

1  *  One  of  the  boarders ;  young  lady  that  works  in 
thefactry." 

44  She  works  in  a  factory?" 


90  The  American  Claimant 


4  Yes.     Shoe  factry." 

11  In  a  shoe  factory;  and  you  call  her  a  young 
lady?" 

*  Why,   she's  only  twenty- two;    what   should   you 
call  her?'1 

"  I  wasn't  thinking  of  her  age;  I  was  thinking  of  the 
title.  The  fact  is,  I  came  away  from  England  to  get 
away  from  artificial  forms  —  for  artificial  forms  suit 
artificial  people  only  —  and  here  you've  got  them,  too, 
I'm  sorry.  I  hoped  you  had  only  men  and  women; 
everybody  equal;  no  differences  in  rank." 

The  girl  stopped  with  a  pillow  in  her  teeth  and  the 
case  spread  open  below  it,  contemplating  him  from 
under  her  brows  with  a  slightly  puzzled  expression. 
She  released  the  pillow,  and  said : 

"  Why,  they  are  all  equal.  Where's  any  difference 
in  rank?" 

"  If  you  call  a  factory  girl  a  young  lady,  what  do 
you  call  the  President's  wife?" 

"Call  her  an  old  one." 

"  Oh,  you  make  age  the  only  distinction?" 
1  There  ain't  any  other  to  make  as  far  as  I  can  see/' 
1  Then  all  women  are  ladies?" 

"  Certainly  they  are.     All  the  respectable  ones." 
'  Well,   that   puts    a   better  face   on   it.     Certainly 
there  is  no  harm  in  a  title  when  it  is  given  to  every- 
body.    It  is  only  an  offense  and  a  wrong  when  it  is 
restricted  to  a  favored  few.     But  Miss  —  er  — " 

"Hattie." 

'*  Miss  Hattie,  be  frank;  confess  that  that  title  isn't 
accorded  by  everybody  to  everybody.  The  rich 
American  doesn't  call  her  cook  a  lady  —  isn't  that 
no?" 

"  Yes,  it's  so.     What  of  it?" 

He  was  surprised  and  a  little  disappointed  to  see  that 
tais  admirable  shot  had  produced  no  perceptible  effect* 


The  American  Claimant  9* 

"  What  of  it?"  he  said.  "  Why,  this:  equality  is 
not  conceded  here,  after  all,  and  the  Americans  are  no 
better  off  then  the  English.  In  fact,  there's  no  differ- 
ence." 

"  Now  what  an  idea.  There's  nothing  in  a  title 
except  what  is  put  into  it  —  you've  said  that  yourself. 
Suppose  the  title  is  clean ,  instead  of  lady.  You  get 
that?" 

"  I  believe  so.  Instead  of  speaking  of  a  woman  as  a 
lady,  you  substitute  clean  and  say  she's  a  clean  person." 

"  That's  it.  In  England  the  swell  folks  don't  speak 
of  the  working  people  as  gentlemen  and  ladies?" 

"  Oh,  no." 

"  And  the  working  people  don't  call  themselves 
gentlemen  and  ladies?" 

"  Certainly  not." 

"So  if  you  used  the  other  word  there  wouldn't  be 
any  change.  The  swell  people  wouldn't  call  anybody 
but  themselves  '  clean,'  and  those  others  would  drop 
sort  of  meekly  into  their  way  of  talking  and  they 
wouldn't  call  themselves  clean.  We  don't  do  that  way 
here.  Everybody  calls  himself  a  lady  or  gentleman, 
and  thinks  he  is,  and  don't  care  what  anybody  else 
thinks  him,  so  long  as  he  don't  say  it  out  loud.  You 
think  there's  no  difference.  You  knuckle  down  and 
we  don't.  Ain't  that  a  difference?" 

"  It  is  a  difference  I  hadn't  thought  of;  I  admit  that. 
Still  —  calling  one's  self  a  lady  doesn't  —  er  — " 

11  I  wouldn't  go  on  if  I  were  you." 

Howard  Tracy  turned  his  head  to  see  who  it  might 
be  that  had  introduced  this  remark.  It  was  a  short 
man  about  forty  years  old,  with  sandy  hair,  no  beard, 
and  a  pleasant  face  badly  freckled  but  alive  and  intelli- 
gent, and  he  wore  slop-shop  clothing  which  was  neat 
but  showed  wear.  He  had  come  from  the  front  room 
beyond  the  hall,  where  he  had  left  his  hat,  and  he  had 


92  The  American  Claimant 

a  chipped  and  cracked  white  wash-bowl  in  his  hand. 
The  girl  came  and  took  the  bowl. 

"  I'll  get  it  for  you.  You  go  right  ahead  and  give 
it  to  him,  Mr.  Barrow.  He's  the  new  boarder — Mr. 
Tracy  —  and  I'd  just  got  to  where  it  was  getting  too 
deep  for  me." 

'*  Much  obliged  if  you  will,  Hattie.  I  was  coming 
to  borrow  of  the  boys."  He  sat  down  at  his  ease  on 
an  old  trunk,  and  said,  "  I've  been  listening  and  got 
interested;  and  as  I  was  saying,  I  wouldn't  go  on  if  I 
were  you.  You  see  where  you  are  coming  to,  don't 
you?  Calling  yourself  a  lady  doesn't  elect  you;  that 
is  what  you  were  going  to  say ;  and  -you  saw  that  if 
you  said  it  you  were  going  to  run  right  up  against 
another  difference  that  you  hadn't  thought  of:  to  wit, 
Whose  right  is  it  to  do  the  electing?  Over  there, 
twenty  thousand  people  in  a  million  elect  themselves 
gentleman  and  ladies,  and  the  nine  hundred  and  eighty 
thousand  accept  that  decree  and  swallow  the  affront 
which  it  puts  upon  them.  Why,  if  they  didn't  accept 
it  it  wouldn't  be  an  election;  it  would  be  a  dead  letter, 
and  have  no  force  at  all.  Over  here  the  twenty  thou- 
sand would-be  exclusives  come  up  to  the  polls  and 
vote  themselves  to  be  ladies  and  gentlemen.  But  the 
thing  doesn't  stop  there.  The  nine  hundred  and  eighty 
thousand  come  and  vote  themselves  to  be  ladies  and 
gentlemen  too,  and  that  elects  the  whole  nation.  Since 
the  whole  million  vote  themselves  ladies  and  gentlemen, 
there  is  no  question  about  that  election.  It  does  make 
absolute  equality,  and  there  is  no  fiction  about  it; 
while  over  yonder  the  inequality  (by  decree  of  the 
infinitely  feeble,  and  consent  of  the  infinitely  strong) 
is  also  absolute  —  as  real  and  absolute  as  our  equality." 

Tracy  had  shrunk  promptly  into  his  English  shell 
when  this  speech  began,  notwithstanding  he  had  now 
been  in  severe  training  several  weeks  for  contact  and 


The  American  Claimant  93 

intercourse  with  the  common  herd  on  the  common 
herd's  terms ;  but  he  lost  no  time  in  pulling  himself  out 
again,  and  so  by  the  time  the  speech  was  finished  his 
valves  were  open  once  more,  and  he  was  forcing  him- 
self to  accept  without  resentment  the  common  herd's 
frank  fashion  of  dropping  sociably  into  other  people's 
conversations  unembarrassed  and  uninvited.  The  pro- 
cess was  not  very  difficult  this  time,  for  the  man's 
smile  and  voice  and  manner  were  persuasive  and  win- 
ning. Tracy  would  even  have  liked  him  on  the  spot 
but  for  the  fact  —  fact  which  he  was  not  really  aware 
of  —  that  the  equality  of  men  was  not  yet  a  reality  to 
him;  it  was  only  a  theory;  the  mind  perceived,  but 
the  man  failed  to  feel  it.  It  was  Hattie's  ghost  over 
again,  merely  turned  around.  Theoretically  Barrow 
was  his  equal,  but  it  was  distinctly  distasteful  to  see 
him  exhibit  it.  He  presently  said : 

11  I  hope  in  all  sincerity  that  what  you  have  said  is 
true  as  regards  the  Americans,  for  doubts  have  crept 
into  my  mind  several  times.  It  seemed  that  the  equality 
must  be  ungenuine  where  the  sign-names  of  castes  were 
still  in  vogue ;  but  those  sign-names  have  certainly  lost 
their  offense  and  are  wholly  neutralized,  nullified,  and 
harmless  if  they  are  the  undisputed  property  of  every 
individual  in  the  nation.  I  think  I  realize  that  caste  does 
not  exist  and  cannot  exist  except  by  common  consent 
of  the  masses  outside  of  its  limits.  I  thought  caste 
created  itself  and  perpetuated  itself ;  but  it  seems  quite 
true  that  it  only  creates  itself,  and  is  perpetuated  by 
the  people  whom  it  despises,  and  who  can  dissolve  it 
at  any  time  by  assuming  its  mere  sign-names  them- 
selves." 

'  It's  what  I  think.  There  isn't  any  power  on  earth 
that  can  prevent  England's  thirty  millions  from  elect- 
ing themselves  dukes  and  duchesses  to-morrow  and 
calling  themselves  so.  And  within  six  months  all  the 

7A 


94  The  American  Claimant 

former  dukes  and  duchesses  would  have  retired  from 
the  business.  I  wish  they'd  try  that.  Royalty  itself 
couldn't  survive  such  a  process.  A  handful  of  frowners 
against  thirty  million  laughers  in  a  state  of  erruption : 
Why,  it's  Herculaneum  against  Vesuvius;  it  would 
take  another  eighteen  centuries  to  find  that  Hercu- 
laneum after  the  cataclysm.  What's  a  Colonel  in  our 
South?  He's  a  nobody;  because  they're  all  colonels 
down  there.  No,  Tracy"  (shudder  from  Tracy), 
"  nobody  in  England  would  call  you  a  gentleman,  and 
you  wouldn't  call  yourself  one;  and  I  tell  you  it's  a 
state  of  things  that  makes  a  man  put  himself  into  most 
unbecoming  attitudes  sometimes  —  the  broad  and  gen- 
eral recognition  and  acceptance  of  caste  as  caste  does,  I 
mean.  Makes  him  do  it  unconsciously  —  being  bred 
in  him,  you  see,  and  never  thought  over  and  reasoned 
out.  You  couldn't  conceive  of  the  Matterhorn  being 
flattered  by  the  notice  of  one  of  your  comely  little 
English  hills,  could  you?" 
'Why,  no." 

"  Well,  then,  let  a  man  in  his  right  mind  try  to  con- 
ceive of  Darwin  feeling  flattered  by  the  notice  of  a 
princess.  It's  so  grotesque  that  it —  well,  it  paralyzes 
the  imagination.  Yet  that  Memnon  was  flattered  by 
the  notice  of  that  statuette ;  he  says  so  —  says  so  him- 
self. The  system  that  can  make  a  god  disown  his 
godship  and  profane  it — oh,  well,  it's  all  wrong,  it's 
all  wrong  and  ought  to  be  abolished,  I  should  say." 

The  mention  of  Darwin  brought  on  a  literary  dis- 
cussion, and  this  topic  roused  such  enthusiasm  in 
Barrow  that  he  took  off  his  coat  and  made  himself  the 
more  free  and  comfortable  for  it,  and  detained  him  so 
long  that  he  was  still  at  it  when  the  noisy  proprietors 
of  the  room  came  shouting  and  skylarking  in,  and 
began  to  romp,  scuffle,  wash,  and  otherwise  entertain 
themselves.  He  lingered  yet  a  little  longer  to  offer 


The  American  Claimant  95 

the   hospitalities   of    his   room   and    his   bookshelf    to 
Tracy,  and  ask  him  a  personal   question  or  two : 

4 'What  is  your  trade?" 

1  They  —  well,  they  call  me  a  cowboy,  but  that  is  a 
fancy;   I'm  not  that.     I  haven't  any  trade." 
'  What  do  you  work  at  for  your  living?" 

"  Oh,  anything  —  I  mean  I  would  work  at  anything 
I  could  get  to  do,  but  thus  far  I  haven't  been  able  to 
find  an  occupation." 

11  Maybe  I  can  help  you;   I'd  like  to  try." 

"  I  shall  be  very  glad.  I've  tried,  myself,  to  weari- 
ness." 

'  Well,  of  course,  where  a  man  hasn't  a  regular 
trade  he's  pretty  bad  off  in  this  world.  What  you 
needed,  I  reckon,  was  less  book-learning  and  more 
bread-and-butter-learning.  I  don't  know  what  your 
father  could  have  been  thinking  of.  You  ought  to 
have  had  a  trade,  you  ought  to  have  had  a  trade,  by 
all  means.  But  never  mind  about  that;  we'll  stir  up 
something  to  do,  I  guess.  And  don't  you  get  home- 
sick; that's  a  bad  business.  We'll  talk  the  thing  over 
and  look  around  a  little.  You'll  come  out  all  right. 
Wait  for  me  —  I'll  go  down  to  supper  with  you." 

By  this  time  Tracy  had  achieved  a  very  friendly  feel- 
ing for  Barrow,  and  would  have  called  him  a  friend, 
maybe,  if  not  taken  too  suddenly  on  a  straight-out  re- 
quirement to  realize  on  his  theories.  He  was  glad  of  his 
society,  anyway,  and  was  feeling  lighter  hearted  than 
before.  Also  he  was  pretty  curious  to  know  what 
vocation  it  might  be  which  had  furnished  Barrow  such 
a  large  acquaintanceship  with  books  and  allowed  him 
so  much  time  to  read. 


CHAPTER   XII. 

PRESENTLY  the  supper-bell  began  to  ring  in  the 
depths  of  the  house,  and  the  sound  proceeded 
steadily  upward,  growing  in  intensity  all  the  way  up 
toward  the  upper  floors.  The  higher  it  came  the  more 
maddening  was  the  noise,  until  at  last  what  it  lacked  of 
being  absolutely  deafening  was  made  up  of  the  sudden 
crash  and  clatter  of  an  avalanche  of  boarders  down  the 
uncarpeted  stairway.  The  peerage  did  not  go  to  meals 
in  this  fashion;  Tracy's  training  had  not  fitted  him  to 
enjoy  this  hilarious  zoological  clamor  and  enthusiasm. 
He  had  to  confess  that  there  was  something  about  this 
extraordinary  outpouring  of  animal  spirits  which  he 
would  have  to  get  inured  to  before  he  could  accept  it. 
No  doubt  in  time  he  would  prefer  it;  but  he  wished 
the  process  might  be  modified  and  made  just  a  little 
more  gradual,  and  not  quite  so  pronounced  and  violent. 
Barrow  and  Tracy  followed  the  avalanche  down  through 
an  ever  increasing  and  ever  more  and  more  aggressive 
stench  of  bygone  cabbage  and  kindred  smells ;  smells 
which  are  to  be  found  nowhere  but  in  a  cheap  private 
boarding  house;  smells  which  once  encountered  can 
never  be  forgotten ;  smells  which  encountered  genera- 
tions later  are  instantly  recognizable,  but  never  recog- 
nizable with  pleasure.  To  Tracy  these  odors  were 
suffocating,  horrible,  almost  unendurable ;  but  he  held 
his  peace  and  said  nothing.  Arrived  in  the  basement, 
they  entered  a  large  dining-room  where  thirty-five  or 

(96) 


The  American  Claimant  97 

forty  people  sat  at  a  long  table.  They  took  their 
places.  The  feast  had  already  begun,  and  the  conver- 
sation was  going  on  in  the  liveliest  way  from  one  end 
of  the  table  to  the  other.  The  tablecloth  was  of  very 
coarse  material,  and  was  liberally  spotted  with  coffee- 
stains  and  grease.  The  knives  and  forks  were  iron, 
with  bone  handles.  The  spoons  appeared  to  be  iron 
or  sheet  iron,  or  something  of  the  sort.  The  tea  and 
coffee  cups  were  of  the  commonest  and  heaviest  and 
most  durable  stoneware.  All  the  furniture  of  the  table 
was  of  the  commonest  and  cheapest  sort.  There  was 
a  single  large,  thick  slice  of  bread  by  each  boarder's 
plate,  and  it  was  observable  that  he  economized  it  as  if 
he  were  not  expecting  it  to  be  duplicated.  Dishes  of 
butter  were  distributed  along  the  table  within  reach  of 
people's  arms,  if  they  had  long  ones,  but  there  were 
no  private  butter-plates.  The  butter  was  perhaps  good 
enough,  and  was  quiet  and  well  behaved ;  but  it  had 
more  bouquet  than  was  necessary,  though  nobody 
commented  upon  that  fact  or  seemed  in  any  way  dis- 
turbed by  it.  The  main  feature  of  the  feast  was  a 
piping  hot  Irish  stew  made  of  the  potatoes  and  meat 
left  over  from  a  procession  of  previous  meals.  Every- 
body was  liberally  supplied  with  this  dish.  On  the 
table  were  a  couple  of  great  dishes  of  sliced  ham,  and 
there  were  some  other  eatables  of  minor  importance  — 
preserves  and  New  Orleans  molasses  and  such  things. 
There  was  also  plenty  of  tea  and  coffee  of  an  infernal 
sort,  with  brown  sugar  and  condensed  milk,  but  the 
milk  and  sugar  supply  was  not  left  at  the  discretion  of 
the  boarders,  but  was  rationed  out  at  headquarters  — 
one  spoonful  of  sugar  and  one  of  condensed  milk  to 
each  cup,  and  no  more.  The  table  was  waited  upon 
by  two  stalwart  negro  women  who  raced  back  and 
forth  from  the  bases  of  supplies  with  splendid  dash  and 
clatter  and  energy.  Their  labors  were  supplemented 


98  The  American  Claimant 

after  a  fashion  by  the  young  girl  Puss.  She  carried 
coffee  and  tea  back  and  forth  among  the  boarders,  but 
she  made  pleasure  excursions  rather  than  business  ones 
in  this  way,  to  speak  strictly.  She  made  jokes  with 
various  people.  She  chaffed  the  young  men  pleasantly 
—  and  wittily,  as  she  supposed,  and  as  the  rest  also 
supposed,  apparently,  judging  by  the  applause  and 
laughter  which  she  got  by  her  efforts.  Manifestly  she 
was  a  favorite  with  most  of  the  young  fellows  and 
sweetheart  of  the  rest  of  them.  Where  she  conferred 
notice  she  conferred  happiness,  as  was  seen  by  the 
face  of  the  recipient;  and  at  the  same  time  she  con- 
ferred unhappiness  —  one  could  see  it  fall  and  dim  the 
faces  of  the  other  young  fellows  like  a  shadow.  She 
never  "  Mistered  "  these  friends  of  hers,  but  called 
them  ••  Billy,"  "  Tom,"  "  John,"  and  they  called  her 
"  Puss"  or  "Hattie." 

Mr.  Marsh  sat  at  the  head  of  the  table,  his  wife  sat 
at  the  foot.  Marsh  was  a  man  of  sixty,  and  was  an 
American ;  but  if  he  had  been  born  a  month  earlier  he 
would  have  been  a  Spaniard.  He  was  plenty  good 
enough  Spaniard  as  it  was ;  his  face  was  very  dark,  his 
hair  very  black,  and  his  eyes  were  not  only  exceed- 
ingly black  but  were  very  intense,  and  there  was  some- 
thing about  them  that  indicated  that  they  could  burn 
with  passion  upon  occasion.  He  was  stoop-shouldered 
and  lean-faced,  and  the  general  aspect  of  him  was  dis- 
agreeable ;  he  was  evidently  not  a  very  companionable 
person.  If  looks  went  for  anything,  he  was  the  very 
opposite  of  his  wife,  who  was  all  motherliness  and 
charity,  good-will  and  good-nature.  All  the  young 
men  and  the  women  called  her  Aunt  Rachel,  which 
was  another  sign.  Tracy's  wandering  and  interested 
eye  presently  fell  upon  one  boarder  who  had  been 
overlooked  in  the  distribution  of  the  stew.  He  was 
very  pale,  and  looked  as  if  he  had  but  lately  come  out 


The  American  Claimant  99 

of  a  sick-bed,  and  also  as  if  he  ought  to  get  back  into 
it  again  as  soon  as  possible.  His  face  was  very  melan- 
choly. The  waves  of  laughter  and  conversation  broke 
upon  it  without  affecting  it  any  more  than  if  it  had 
been  a  rock  in  the  sea,  and  the  words  and  the  laughter 
veritable  waters.  He  held  his  head  down  and  looked 
ashamed.  Some  of  the  women  cast  glances  of  pity 
toward  him  from  time  to  time  in  a  furtive  and  half- 
afraid  way,  and  some  of  the  youngest  of  the  men 
plainly  had  compassion  on  the  young  fellow  —  a  com- 
passion exhibited  in  their  faces,  but  not  in  any  more 
active  or  compromising  way.  But  the  great  majority 
of  the  people  present  showed  entire  indifference  to  the 
youth  and  his  sorrows.  Marsh  sat  with  his  head  down, 
but  one  could  catch  the  malicious  gleam  of  his  eyes 
through  his  shaggy  brows.  He  was  watching  that 
young  fellow  with  evident  relish.  He  had  not  neg- 
lected him  through  carelessness,  and  apparently  the 
table  understood  that  fact.  The  spectacle  was  making 
Mrs.  Marsh  very  uncomfortable.  She  had  the  look  of 
one  who  hopes  against  hope  that  the  impossible  may 
happen;  but  as  the  impossible  did  not  happen,  she 
finally  ventured  to  speak  up  and  remind  her  husband 
that  Nat  Brady  hadn't  been  helped  to  the  Irish  stew. 

Marsh  lifted  his  head  and  gasped  out,  with  mock 
courtliness,  "  Oh,  he  hasn't,  hasn't  he?  What  a  pity 
that  is.  I  don't  know  how  I  came  to  overlook  him. 
Ah,  he  must  pardon  me.  You  must,  indeed,  Mr. — 
er  —  Baxter  —  Barker,  you  must  pardon  me.  I  —  er 
—  my  attention  was  directed  to  some  other  matter,  I 
don't  know  what.  The  thing  that  grieves  me  mainly  is 
that  it  happens  every  meal  now.  But  you  must  try  to 
overlook  these  little  things,  Mr.  Bunker,  these  little 
neglects  on  my  part.  They're  always  likely  to  happen 
with  me  in  any  case,  and  they  are  especially  likely  to 
happen  where  a  person  has  —  er  —  well,  where  a  per- 


100  The  American  Claimant 

son  is,  say,  about  three  weeks  in  arrears  for  his  board. 
You  get  my  meaning?  —  you  get  my  idea?  Here  is 
your  Irish  stew,  and  —  er  —  it  gives  me  the  greatest 
pleasure  to  send  it  to  you,  and  I  hope  that  you  will 
enjoy  the  charity  as  much  as  I  enjoy  conferring  it." 

A  blush  rose  in  Brady's  white  cheeks  and  flowed 
slowly  backward  to  his  ears  and  upward  toward  his 
forehead,  but  he  said  nothing  and  began  to  eat  his  food 
under  the  embarrassment  of  a  general  silence  and  the 
sense  that  all  eyes  were  fastened  upon  him.  Barrow 
whispered  to  Tracy: 

"  The  old  man's  been  waiting  for  that.  He  wouldn't 
have  missed  that  chance  for  anything." 

**  It's  a  brutal  business,"  said  Tracy.  Then  he  said 
to  himself,  purposing  to  set  the  thought  down  in  his 
diary  later : 

'*  Well,  here  in  this  very  house  is  a  republic  where 
all  are  free  and  equal,  if  men  are  free  and  equal  any- 
where in  the  earth;  therefore  I  have  arrived  at  the 
place  I  started  to  find,  and  I  am  a  man  among  men, 
and  on  the  strictest  equality  possible  to  men,  no  doubt. 
Yet  here  on  the  threshold  I  find  an  inequality.  There 
are  people  at  this  table  who  are  looked  up  to  for  some 
reason  or  another,  and  here  is  a  poor  devil  of  a  boy 
who  is  looked  down  upon,  treated  with  indifference  and 
shamed  by  humiliations,  when  he  has  committed  no 
crime  but  that  common  one  of  being  poor.  Equality 
ought  to  make  men  noble-minded.  In  fact,  I  had  sup- 
posed it  did  do  that." 

After  supper  Barrow  proposed  a  walk,  and  they 
started.  Barrow  had  a  purpose.  He  wanted  Tracy  to 
get  rid  of  that  cowboy  hat.  He  didn't  see  his  way  to 
finding  mechanical  or  manual  employment  for  a  person 
rigged  in  that  fashion.  Barrow  presently  said  : 

"  As  I  understand  it,  you're  not  a  cowboy." 

"No,  I'm  not" 


The  American  Claimant  101 

"  Well,  now  if  you  will  not  think  me  too  curious, 
how  did  you  come  to  mount  that  hat?  Where'd  you 
get  it?" 

Tracy  didn't  know  quite  how  to  reply  to  this,  but 
presently  said : 

"  Well,  without  going  into  particulars,  I  exchanged 
clothes  with  a  stranger  under  stress  of  weather,  and  J 
would  like  to  find  him  and  re-exchange." 

"  Well,  why  don't  you  find  him?     Where  is  he?" 

"  I  don't  know.  I  supposed  the  best  way  to  find 
him  would  be  to  continue  to  wear  his  clothes,  which 
are  conspicuous  enough  to  attract  his  attention  if  I 
should  meet  him  on  the  street." 

4 '  Oh,  very  well,"  said  Barrow;  "the  rest  of  the 
outfit  is  well  enough,  and  while  it's  not  too  conspicu- 
ous, it  isn't  quite  like  the  clothes  that  anybody  else 
wears.  Suppress  the  hat.  When  you  meet  your  man 
he'll  recognize  the  rest  of  his  suit.  That's  a  mighty 
embarrassing  hat,  you  know,  in  a  center  of  civilization 
like  this.  I  don't  believe  an  angel  could  get  employ- 
ment in  Washington  in  a  halo  like  that." 

Tracy  agreed  to  replace  the  hat  with  something  of  a 
modester  form,  and  they  stepped  aboard  a  crowded  car 
and  stood  with  others  on  the  rear  platform.  Presently, 
as  the  car  moved  swiftly  along  the  rails,  two  men 
crossing  the  street  caught  sight  of  the  backs  of  Barrow 
and  Tracy,  and  both  exclaimed  at  once,  '*  There  he 
is!"  It  was  Sellers  and  Hawkins.  Both  were  so 
paralyzed  with  joy  that  before  they  could  pull  them- 
selves together  and  make  an  effort  to  stop  the  car  it 
was  gone  too  far,  and  they  decided  to  wait  for  the  next 
one.  They  waited  a  while;  then  it  occurred  to  Wash- 
ington that  there  could  be  no  use  in  chasing  one  horse- 
car  with  another,  and  he  wanted  to  hunt  up  a  hack. 
But  the  Colonel  said  : 

"  When  you  come  to  think  of  it,  there's  no  occasion 


402  The  American  Claimant 

for  that  at  all.  Now  that  I've  got  him  materialized,  1 
can  command  his  motions.  I'll  have  him  at  the  house 
by  the  time  we  get  there." 

Then  they  hurried  off  home  in  a  state  of  great  and 
joyful  excitement. 

The  hat  exchange  accomplished,  the  two  new  friends 
started  to  walk  back  leisurely  to  the  boarding  house. 
Barrow's  mind  was  full  of  curiosity  about  this  young 
fellow.  He  said : 

"  You've  never  been  to  the  Rocky  Mountains?" 

44  No." 

*'  You've  never  been  out  on  the  plains?" 

"No." 

"  How  long  have  you  been  in  this  country?" 

14  Only  a  few  days." 

44  You've  never  been  in  America  before?'' 

44  No." 

Then  Barrow  communed  with  himself.  44  Now  what 
odd  shapes  the  notions  of  romantic  people  take. 
Here's  a  fellow  who's  read  in  England  about  cowboys 
and  adventures  on  the  plains.  He  comes  here  and 
buys  a  cowboy's  suit.  Thinks  he  can  play  himself  on 
folks  for  a  cowboy,  all  inexperienced  as  he  is.  Now 
the  minute  he's  caught  in  this  poor  little  game,  he's 
ashamed  of  it  and  ready  to  retire  from  it.  It  is  that 
exchange  that  he  has  put  up  as  an  explanation.  It's 
rather  thin,  too  thin  altogether.  Well,  he's  young, 
never  been  anywhere,  knows  nothing  about  the  world, 
sentimental,  no  doubt.  Perhaps  it  was  the  natural 
thing  for  him  to  do,  but  it  was  a  most  singular  choice, 
curious  freak,  altogether." 

Both  men  were  busy  with  their  thoughts  for  a  time ; 
then  Tracy  heaved  a  sigh  and  said : 

44  Mr.  Barrow,  the  case  of  that  young  fellow  troubles 
me." 

44  You  mean  Nat  Brady?" 


The  American  Claimant  103 

"  Yes,  Brady,  or  Baxter,  or  whatever  it  was.  The 
old  landlord  called  him  by  several  different  names." 

"  Oh,  yes,  he  has  been  very  liberal  with  names  for 
Brady,  since  Brady  fell  into  arrears  for  his  board. 
Well,  that's  one  of  his  sarcasms  —  the  old  man  thinks 
he's  great  on  sarcasm." 

"  Well,  what  is  Brady 'sv  difficulty?  What  is  Brady 
—  who  is  he?" 

**  Brady  is  a  tinner.  He's  a  young  journeyman 
tinner  who  was  getting  along  all  right  till  he  fell  sick 
and  lost  his  job.  He  was  very  popular  before  he  lost 
his  job ;  everybody  in  the  house  liked  Brady.  The  old 
man  was  rather  especially  fond  of  him,  but  you  know 
that  when  a  man  loses  his  job  and  loses  his  ability  to 
support  himself  and  to  pay  his  way  as  he  goes,  it 
makes  a  great  difference  in  the  way  people  look  at  him 
and  feel  about  him." 

"  Is  that  so!     Is  it  so?" 

Barrow  looked  at  Tracy  in  a  puzzled  way.  '  Why, 
of  course  it's  so.  Wouldn't  you  know  that,  naturally? 
Don't  you  know  that  the  wounded  deer  is  always 
attacked  and  killed  by  its  companions  and  friends?" 

Tracy  said  to  himself,  while  a  chilly  and  boding  dis- 
comfort spread  itself  through  his  system,  '*  In  a  republic 
of  deer  and  men,  where  all  are  free  and  equal,  mis- 
fortune is  a  crime,  and  the  prosperous  gore  the  unfor- 
tunate to  death."  Then  he  said  aloud,  "  Here  in  the 
boarding  house,  if  one  would  have  friends  and  be 
popular,  instead  of  having  the  cold  shoulder  turned 
upon  him,  he  must  be  prosperous." 

"  Yes,"  Barrow  said,  '*  that  is  so.  It's  their  human 
nature.  They  do  turn  against  Brady,  now  that  he's 
unfortunate,  and  they  don't  like  him  as  well  as  they 
did  before;  but  it  isn't  because  of  any  lack  in  Brady  — 
he's  just  as  he  was  before,  has  the  same  nature  and  the 
same  impulses,  but  they  —  well,  Brady  is  a  thorn  in 


104  The  American  Claimant 

their  conscience,  you  see.  They  know  they  ought  to 
help  him  and  they're  too  stingy  to  do  it,  and  they're 
ashamed  of  themselves  for  that,  and  they  ought  also  to 
hate  themselves  on  that  account,  but  instead  of  that 
they  hate  Brady  because  he  makes  them  ashamed  of 
themselves.  I  say  that's  human  nature;  that  occurs 
everywhere ;  this  boarding  house  is  merely  the  world 
in  little;  it's  the  case  all  over  —  they're  all  alike.  In 
prosperity  we  are  popular ;  popularity  comes  easy  in 
that  case,  but  when  the  other  thing  comes  our  friends 
are  pretty  likely  to  turn  against  us." 

Tracy's  noble  theories  and  high  purposes  were  be- 
ginning to  feel  pretty  damp  and  clammy.  He  won- 
dered if  by  any  possibility  he  had  made  a  mistake  in 
throwing  his  own  prosperity  to  the  winds  and  taking 
up  the  cross  of  other  people's  unprosperity.  But  he 
wouldn't  listen  to  that  sort  of  thing;  he  cast  it  out  of 
his  mind,  and  resolved  to  go  ahead  resolutely  along 
the  course  he  had  mapped  out  for  himself. 

Extracts  from  his  diary : 

Have  now  spent  several  days  in  this  singular  hive.  I  don't  know  quite 
what  to  make  out  of  these  people.  They  have  merits  and  virtues,  but  they 
have  some  other  qualities,  and  some  ways  that  are  hard  to  get  along  with. 
I  can't  enjoy  them.  The  moment  I  appeared  in  a  hat  of  the  period  I 
noticed  a  change.  The  respect  which  had  been  paid  me  before  passed 
suddenly  away,  and  the  people  became  friendly  —  more  than  that,  they 
became  familiar,  and  I'm  not  used  to  familiarity,  and  can't  take  to  it  right 
off;  I  find  that  out.  These  people's  familiarity  amounts  to  impudence, 
sometimes.  I  suppose  it's  all  right;  no  doubt  I  can  get  used  to  it,  but  it's 
not  a  satisfactory  process  at  all.  I  have  accomplished  my  dearest  wish;  I 
am  a  man  among  men,  on  an  equal  footing  with  Tom,  Dick,  and  Harry, 
and  yet  it  isn't  just  exactly  what  I  thought  it  was  going  to  be.  I — I  miss 
home.  Am  obliged  to  say  I  am  homesick.  Another  thing — and  this  is  a 
confession  —  a  reluctant  one,  but  I  will  make  it :  The  thing  I  miss  most, 
and  most  severely,  is  the  respect,  the  deference,  with  which  I  was  treated 
all  my  life  in  England,  and  which  seems  to  be  somehow  necessary  to  me. 
I  get  along  very  well  without  the  luxury  and  the  wealth  and  the  sort  of 


The  American  Claimant  105 

society  I've  been  accustomed  to,  but  I  do  miss  the  respect,  and  cwi't  seem 
to  get  reconciled  to  the  absence  of  it.  There  is  respect,  there  is  deference 
here,  but  it  doesn't  fall  to  my  share.  It  is  lavished  on  two  men.  One  of 
them  is  a  portly  man  of  middle  age  who  is  a  retired  plumber.  Everybody 
is  pleased  to  have  that  man's  notice.  He's  full  of  pomp  and  circumstance 
and  self-complacency  and  bad  grammar,  and  at  table  he  is  Sir  Oracle,  and 
when  he  opens  his  mouth  not  any  dog  in  the  kennel  barks.  The  other 
person  is  a  policeman  at  the  capitol  building.  He  represents  the  govern- 
ment. The  deference  paid  to  these  two  men  is  not  so  very  far  short  ot  that 
paid  to  an  earl  in  England,  though  the  method  of  it  differs.  Not  so  much 
courtliness,  but  the  deference  is  all  there. 

Yes,  and  there  is  obsequiousness,  too. 

It  does  rather  look  as  if  in  a  republic  where  all  are  free  and  equal 
prosperity  and  position  constitute  rank 


CHAPTER   XIII. 

"""THE  days  drifted  by,  and  they  grew  ever  more 
I  dreary.  For  Barrow's  efforts  to  find  work  for 
Tracy  were  unavailing.  Always  the  first  question  asked 
was,  "What  Union  do  you  belong  to?" 

Tracy  was  obliged  to  reply  that  he  didn't  belong  to 
any  trade  union. 

"  Very  well,  then,  it's  impossible  to  employ  you. 
My  men  wouldn't  stay  with  me  if  I  should  employ  a 
'  scab,'  or  '  rat,'  '"  or  whatever  the  phrase  was. 

Finally,  Tracy  had  a  happy  thought.  He  said, 
"  Why,  the  thing  for  me  to  do,  of  course,  is  to  join  a 
trade  union." 

41  Yes,"  Barrow  said;  "  that  is  the  thing  for  you  to 
do  —  if  you  can." 

44  If  I  can?     Is  it  difficult?" 

"  Well,  yes,"  Barrow  said,  "  it's  sometimes  difficult 
—  in  fact,  very  difficult.  But  you  can  try,  and  of 
course  it  will  be  best  to  try." 

Therefore  Tracy  tried  ;  but  he  did  not  succeed.  He 
was  refused  admission  with  a  good  deal  of  promptness, 
and  was  advised  to  go  back  home,  where  he  belonged, 
not  come  here  taking  honest  men's  bread  out  of  their 
mouths.  Tracy  began  to  realize  that  the  situation  was 
desperate,  and  the  thought  made  him  cold  to  the 
marrow.  He  said  to  himself,  "  So  there  is  an  aris- 
tocracy of  position  here,  and  an  aristocracy  of  pros- 
perity, and  apparently  there  is  also  an  aristocracy  of 

(106) 


The  American  Claimant  107 

the  ins  as  opposed  to  the  outs,  and  I  am  with  the  outs. 
So  the  ranks  grow  daily  here.  Plainly  there  are  all 
kinds  of  castes  here,  and  only  one  that  I  belong  to  — 
the  outcasts."  But  he  couldn't  even  smile  at  his  small 
joke,  although  he  was  obliged  to  confess  that  he  had  a 
rather  good  opinion  of  it.  He  was  feeling  so  defeated 
and  miserable  by  this  time  that  he  could  no  longer 
look  with  philosophical  complacency  on  the  horse-play 
of  the  young  fellows  in  the  upper  rooms  at  night.  At 
first  it  had  been  pleasant  to  see  them  unbend  and  have 
a  good  time  after  having  so  well  earned  it  by  the  labors 
of  the  day,  but  now  it  all  rasped  upon  his  feelings 
and  his  dignity.  He  lost  patience  with  the  specta- 
cle. When  they  were  feeling  good  they  shouted,  they 
scuffled,  they  sang  songs,  they  romped  about  the  place 
like  cattle,  and  they  generally  wound  up  with  a  pillow- 
fight,  in  which  they  banged  each  other  over  the  head, 
and  threw  the  pillows  in  all  directions,  and  every  now 
and  then  he  got  a  buffet  himself ;  and  they  were  always 
inviting  him  to  join  in.  They  called  him  "  Johnny 
Bull,"  and  invited  him  with  excessive  familiarity  to 
take  a  hand.  At  first  he  had  endured  all  this  with 
good  nature,  but  latterly  he  had  shown  by  his  manner 
that  it  was  distinctly  distasteful  to  him,  and  very  soon 
he  saw  a  change  in  the  manner  of  these  young  people 
toward  him.  They  were  souring  on  him,  as  they 
would  have  expressed  it  in  their  language.  He  had 
never  been  what  might  be  called  popular.  That  was 
hardly  the  phrase  for  it;  he  had  merely  been  liked, 
but  now  dislike  for  him  was  growing.  His  case  was 
not  helped  by  the  fact  that  he  was  out  of  luck,  couldn't 
get  work,  didn't  belong  to  a  union,  and  couldn't  gain 
admission  to  one.  He  got  a  good  many  slights  of  that 
small,  ill-defined  sort  that  you  can't  quite  put  your 
finger  on,  and  it  was  manifest  that  there  was  only  one 
thing  which  protected  him  from  open  insult,  and  that 


108  The  American  Claimant 

was  his  muscle.  These  young  people  had  seen  him 
exercising  mornings,  after  his  cold  sponge  bath,  and 
they  had  perceived  by  his  performance  and  the  build 
of  his  body  that  he  was  athletic,  and  also  versed  in 
boxing.  He  felt  pretty  naked  now,  recognizing  that 
he  was  shorn  of  all  respect  except  respect  for  his  fists. 
One  night  when  he  entered  his  room  he  found  about  a 
dozen  of  the  young  fellows  there  carrying  on  a  very 
lively  conversation  punctuated  with  horse-laughter. 
The  talking  ceased  instantly,  and  the  frank  affront  of  a 
dead  silence  followed.  He  said : 

"  Good  evening,  gentlemen,"  and  sat  down. 

There  was  no  response.  He  flushed  to  the  temples, 
but  forced  himself  to  maintain  silence.  He  sat  there 
m  this  uncomfortable  stillness  some  time,  then  got 
up  and  went  out. 

The  moment  he  had  disappeared  he  heard  a  pro- 
digious shout  of  laughter  break  forth.  He  saw  that 
their  plain  purpose  had  been  to  insult  him.  He 
ascended  to  the  flat  roof,  hoping  to  be  able  to  cool 
down  his  spirit  there  and  get  back  his  tranquillity.  He 
found  the  young  tinner  up  there,  alone  and  brooding, 
and  entered  into  conversation  with  him.  They  were 
pretty  fairly  matched  now  in  unpopularity  and  general 
ill-luck  and  misery,  and  they  had  no  trouble  in  meeting 
upon  this  common  ground  with  advantage  and  some- 
thing of  comfort  to  both.  But  Tracy's  movements 
had  been  watched,  and  in  a  few  minutes  the  tormentors 
came  straggling  one  after  another  to  the  roof,  where 
they  began  to  stroll  up  and  down  in  an  apparently 
purposeless  way.  But  presently  they  fell  to  dropping 
remarks  that  were  evidently  aimed  at  Tracy,  and  some 
of  them  at  the  tinner.  The  ringleader  of  this  little 
mob  was  a  short-haired  bully  and  amateur  prize-fighter 
named  Allen,  who  was  accustomed  to  lording  it  over 
the  upper  floor,  and  had  more  than  once  shown  a  dis- 


The  American  Claimant  109 

position  to  make  trouble  with  Tracy.  Now  there  was 
an  occasional  cat-call,  and  hootings,  and  whistlings, 
and  finally  the  diversion  of  an  exchange  of  connected 
remarks  was  introduced: 

"  How  many  does  it  take  to  make  a  pair?" 

"  Well,  two  generally  makes  a  pair,  but  sometimes 
there  ain't  stuff  enough  in  them  to  make  a  whole  pair." 
General  laugh. 

'  What  were  you  saying  about  the  English  a  while 
ago?" 

"  Oh,  nothing;  the  English  are  all  right,  only  — 
I—" 

'  What  was  it  you  said  about  them?" 

"  Oh,  I  only  said  they  swallow  well." 

"  Swallow  better  than  other  people?" 

"  Oh,  yes;  the  English  swallow  a  good  deal  better 
than  other  people." 

"  What  is  it  they  swallow  best?" 

11  Oh,  insults."     Another  general  laugh. 
'  Pretty  hard  to  make  'em  fight,  ain't  it?" 

41  No,  'tain't  hard  to  make  'em  fight." 

11  Ain't  it,  really?" 

:<  No,  'tain't  hard.  It's  impossible."  Another 
laugh. 

'  This  one's  kind  of  spiritless,  that's  certain." 

"  Couldn't  be  the  other  way  —  in  his  case." 
'  Why?" 

"  Don't  you  know  the  secret  of  his  birth?" 

"  No !     Has  he  got  a  secret  of  his  birth?" 

''  You  bet  he  has." 
4  What  is  it?" 

"  His  father  was  a  wax-figger." 

Allen  came  strolling  by  where  the  pair  were  sitting; 
stopped,  and  said  to  the  tinner: 

"  How  are  you  off  for  friends  these  days?" 

"  Well  enough  off." 


110  The  American  Claimant 

"  Got  a  good  many?" 
1  Well,  as  many  as  I  need.' 

14  A  friend  is  valuable,  sometimes  —  as  a  protector, 
you  know.  What  do  you  reckon  would  happen  if  I 
was  to  snatch  your  cap  off  and  slap  you  in  the  face 
with  it?" 

;<  Please  don't  trouble  me,  Mr.  Allen,  I  ain't  doing 
anything  to  you." 

"You  answer  me!  What  do  you  reckon  would 
happen?" 

"Well,  I  don't  know." 

Tracy  spoke  up  with  a  good  deal  of  deliberation, 
and  said: 

"  Don't  trouble  the  young  fellow.  I  can  tell  you 
what  would  happen." 

"  Oh,  you  can,  can  you?  Boys,  Johnny  Bull  can 
tell  us  what  would  happen  if  I  was  to  snatch  this 
chump's  cap  off  and  slap  him  in  the  face  with  it.  Now 
you'll  see." 

He  snatched  the  cap  and  struck  the  youth  in  the 
face,  and  before  he  could  inquire  what  was  going  to 
happen  it  had  already  happened,  and  he  was  warming 
the  tin  with  the  broad  of  his  back.  Instantly  there 
was  a  rush,  and  shouts  of  "  A  ring!  a  ring!  make  a 
ring!  Fair  play  all  round!  Johnny's  grit;  give  him 
a  chance." 

The  ring  was  quickly  chalked  on  the  tin,  and  Tracy 
found  himself  as  eager  to  begin  as  he  could  have  been 
if  his  antagonist  had  been  a  prince  instead  of  a 
mechanic.  At  bottom  he  was  a  little  surprised  at  this, 
because  although  his  theories  had  been  all  in  that  direc- 
tion for  some  time,  he  was  not  prepared  to  find  himself 
actually  eager  to  measure  strength  with  quite  so  com- 
mon a  man  as  this  ruffian.  In  a  moment  all  the  win- 
dows in  the  neighborhood  were  filled  with  people,  and 
the  roofs  also.  The  men  squared  off,  and  the  fight 


The  American  Claimant  ill 

began.  But  Allen  stood  no  chance  whatever  against 
the  young  Englishman.  Neither  in  muscle  nor  in 
science  was  he  his  equal.  He  measured  his  length  on 
the  tin  time  and  again ;  in  fact,  as  fast  as  he  could  get 
up  he  went  down  again,  and  the  applause  was  kept  up 
in  liberal  fashion  from  all  the  neighborhood  around. 
Finally,  Allen  had  to  be  helped  up.  Then  Tracy  de- 
clined to  punish  him  further  and  the  fight  was  at  an 
end.  Allen  was  carried  off  by  some  of  his  friends  in  a 
very  much  humbled  condition,  his  face  black-and-blue 
and  bleeding,  and  Tracy  was  at  once  surrounded  by 
the  young  fellows,  who  congratulated  him,  and  told 
him  that  he  had  done  the  whole  house  a  service,  and 
that  from  this  out  Mr.  Allen  would  be  a  little  more 
particular  about  how  he  handed  slights  and  insults  and 
maltreatment  around  among  the  boarders. 

Tracy  was  a  hero  now,  and  exceedingly  popular. 
Perhaps  nobody  had  ever  been  quite  so  popular  on 
that  upper  floor  before.  But  if  being  discountenanced 
by  these  young  fellows  had  been  hard  to  bear,  their 
lavish  commendations  and  approval  and  hero-worship 
were  harder  still  to  endure.  He  felt  degraded,  but 
he  did  not  allow  himself  to  analyze  the  reasons  why 
too  closely.  He  was  content  to  satisfy  himself  with 
the  suggestion  that  he  looked  upon  himself  as  degraded 
by  the  public  spectacle  which  he  had  made  of  himself, 
fighting  on  a  tin  roof  for  the  delectation  of  everybody 
a  block  or  two  around.  But  he  wasn't  entirely  satis- 
fied with  that  explanation  of  it.  Once  he  went  a  little 
too  far,  and  wrote  in  his  diary  that  his  case  was  worse 
than  that  of  the  prodigal  son.  He  said  the  prodigal 
son  merely  fed  swine;  he  didn't  have  to  chum  with 
them.  But  he  struck  that  out,  and  said,  "  All  men 
are  equal.  I  will  not  disown  my  principles.  These 
men  are  as  good  as  I  am." 

Tracy  was  become  popular  on  the  lower  floors  also 


112  The  American  Claimant 

Everybody  was  grateful  for  Allen's  reduction  to  the 
ranks,  and  for  his  transformation  from  a  doer  of  out- 
rages to  a  mere  threatener  of  them.  The  young  girls, 
of  whom  there  were  half  a  dozen,  showed  many  atten- 
tions to  Tracy,  particularly  that  boarding-house  pet 
Hattie,  the  landlady's  daughter.  She  said  to  him, 
very  sweetly: 

*'  I  think  you're  ever  so  nice." 

And  when  he  said,  "  I'm  glad  you  think  so,  Miss 
Hattie,"  she  said,  still  more  sweetly: 

"  Don't  call  me  Miss  Hattie  —  call  me  Puss." 

Ah,  here  was  promotion !  He  had  struck  the  sum- 
mit. There  were  no  higher  heights  to  climb  in  that 
boarding-house.  His  popularity  was  complete. 

In  the  presence  of  people  Tracy  showed  a  tranquil 
outside,  but  his  heart  was  being  eaten  out  of  him  by 
distress  and  despair. 

In  a  little  while  he  should  be  out  of  money,  and  then 
what  should  he  do?  He  wished  now  that  he  had  bor- 
rowed a  little  more  liberally  from  that  stranger's  store. 
He  found  it  impossible  to  sleep.  A  single  torturing, 
terrifying  thought  went  racking  round  and  round  in 
his  head,  wearing  a  groove  in  his  brain:  What  should 
he  do  —  what  was  to  become  of  him  ?  And  along  with 
it  began  to  intrude  a  something  presently  which  was 
very  like  a  wish  that  he  had  not  joined  the  great  and 
noble  ranks  of  martyrdom,  but  had  stayed  at  home 
and  been  content  to  be  merely  an  earl  and  nothing 
better,  with  nothing  more  to  do  in  this  world  of  a  use- 
ful sort  than  an  earl  finds  to  do.  But  he  smothered 
that  part  of  his  thought  as  well  as  he  could ;  he  made 
every  effort  to  drive  it  away,  and  with  fair  success,  but 
he  couldn't  keep  it  from  intruding  a  little  now  and 
then,  and  when  it  intruded  it  came  suddenly  and 
nipped  him  like  a  bite,  a  sting,  a  burn.  He  recognized 
that  thought  by  the  peculiar  sharpness  of  its  pang. 


The  American  Claimant  113 

The  others  were  painful  enough,  but  that  one  cut  to 
the  quick  when  it  came.  Night  after  night  he  lay  toss- 
ing to  the  music  of  the  hideous  snoring  of  the  honest 
bread-winners  until  two  and  three  o'clock  in  the  morn- 
ing, then  got  up  and  took  refuge  on  the  roof,  where 
he  sometimes  got  a  nap  and  sometimes  failed  entirely. 
His  appetite  was  leaving  him,  and  the  zest  of  life  was 
going  along  with  it.  Finally,  one  day,  being  near  the 
imminent  verge  of  total  discouragement,  he  said  to 
himself  —  and  took  occasion  to  blush  privately  when 
he  said  it,  "If  my  father  knew  what  my  American 
name  is — -he  —  well,  my  duty  to  my  father  rather 
requires  that  I  furnish  him  my  name.  I  have  no  right 
to  make  his  days  and  nights  unhappy,  I  can  do  enough 
unhappiness  for  the  family  all  by  myself.  Really  he 
ought  to  know  what  my  American  name  is."  He 
thought  over  it  a  while,  and  framed  a  cablegram  in  his 
mind  to  this  effect : 

"  My  American  name  is  Howard  Tracy." 
That  wouldn't  be  suggesting  anything.  His  father 
could  understand  that  as  he  chose,  and  doubtless  he 
would  understand  it  as  it  was  meant,  as  a  dutiful  and 
affectionate  desire  on  the  part  of  a  son  to  make  his  old 
father  happy  for  a  moment.  Continuing  his  train  of 
thought,  Tracy  said  to  himself,  "  Ah,  but  if  he  should 
cable  me  to  come  home  !  I  —  I  —  couldn't  do  that  — 
I  mustn't  do  that.  I've  started  out  on  a  mission,  and 
I  mustn't  turn  my  back  on  it  in  cowardice.  No,  no,  I 
couldn't  go  home,  at  —  at  —  least  I  shouldn't  want  to 
go  home."  After  a  reflective  pause:  "Well,  maybe 
—  perhaps  —  it  would  be  my  duty  to  go  in  the  circum- 
stances; he's  very  old,  and  he  does  need  me  by  him 
to  stay  his  footsteps  down  the  long  hill  that  inclines 
westward  toward  the  sunset  of  his  life.  Well,  I'll 
think  about  that.  Yes,  of  course  it  wouldn't  be  right 
to  stay  here.  I  —  if  I  —  well,  perhaps  I  could  just 
8*** 


114  The  American  Claimant 

drop  him  a  line  and  put  it  off  a  little  while  and  satisfy 
him  in  that  way.  It  would  be  —  well,  it  would  mar 
everything  to  have  him  require  me  to  come  instantly." 
Another  reflective  pause  —  then :  ' '  And  yet  if  he 
should  do  that  I  don't  know  but — oh,  dear  me  — 
home  !  how  good  it  sounds !  and  a  body  is  excusable 
for  wanting  to  see  his  home  again,  now  and  then, 
anyway." 

He  went  to  one  of  the  telegraph  offices  in  the  avenue 
and  got  the  first  end  of  what  Barrow  called  the  '  *  usual 
Washington  courtesy,"  where  "  they  treat  you  as  a 
tramp  until  they  find  out  you're  a  Congressman,  and 
then  they  slobber  all  over  you."  There  was  a  boy  of 
seventeen  on  duty  there,  tying  his  shoe.  He  had  his 
foot  on  a  chair  and  his  back  turned  towards  the  wicket. 
He  glanced  over  his  shoulder,  took  Tracy's  measure, 
turned  back,  and  went  on  tying  his  shoe.  Tracy 
finished  writing  his  telegram  and  waited,  still  waited, 
and  still  waited,  for  that  performance  to  finish,  but 
there  didn't  seem  to  be  any  finish  to  it;  so  finally 
Tracy  said: 

"  Can't  you  take  my  telegram?" 

The  youth  looked  over  his  shoulder  and  said,  by  his 
manner,  not  his  words: 

41  Don't  you  think  you  could  wait  a  minute  if  you 
tried?" 

However,  he  got  the  shoe  tied  at  last,  and  came  and 
took  the  telegram,  glanced  over  it,  then  looked  up  sur- 
prised at  Tracy.  There  was  something  in  his  look  that 
bordered  upon  respect,  almost  reverence,  it  seemed  to 
Tracy,  although  he  had  been  so  long  without  anything  of 
this  kind  he  was  not  sure  that  he  knew  the  signs  of  it. 

The  boy  read  the  address  aloud  with  pleased  expres- 
sion in  face  and  voice. 

"  The  Earl  of  Rossmore !  Cracky!  Do  you  know 
him?" 


The  American  Claimant  115 

41  Yes." 

11  Is  that  so?     Does  he  know  you?" 

•«  Well  — yes." 

"  Well,  I  swear !     Will  he  answer  you?" 

"I  think  he  will." 

44  Will  he,  though?     Where'll  you  have  it  sent?" 

"  Oh,  nowhere.  I'll  call  here  and  get  it.  When 
shall  I  call?" 

14  Oh,  I  don't  know — I'll  send  it  to  you.  Where 
shall  I  send  it?  Give  me  your  address;  I'll  send  it  to 
you  soon's  it  comes." 

But  Tracy  didn't  propose  to  do  this.  He  had  ac- 
quired the  boy's  admiration  and  deferential  respect, 
and  he  wasn't  willing  to  throw  these  precious  things 
away,  a  result  sure  to  follow  if  he  should  give  the  ad- 
dress of  that  boarding-house.  So  he  said  again  that 
he  would  call  and  get  the  telegram,  and  went  his  way. 

He  idled  along,  reflecting.  He  said  to  himself, 
44  There  is  something  pleasant  about  being  respected. 
I  have  acquired  the  respect  of  Mr.  Allen  and  some  of 
those  others,  and  almost  the  deference  of  some  of 
them  on  pure  merit,  for  having  thrashed  Allen.  While 
their  respect  and  their  deference  —  if  it  is  deference  — 
is  pleasant,  a  deference  based  upon  a  sham,  a  shadow, 
does  really  seem  pleasanter  still.  It's  no  real  merit  to 
be  in  correspondence  with  an  earl,  and  yet,  after  all, 
that  boy  makes  me  feel  as  if  there  was." 

The  cablegram  was  actually  gone  home !  The 
thought  of  it  gave  him  an  immense  uplift.  He  walked 
with  a  lighter  tread.  His  heart  was  full  of  happiness. 
He  threw  aside  all  hesitancies,  and  confessed  to  himself 
that  he  was  glad  through  and  through  that  he  was 
going  to  give  up  this  experiment  and  go  back  to  his 
home  again.  His  eagerness  to  get  his  father's  answer 
began  to  grow  now,  and  it  grew  with  marvelous  celerity 
after  it  began.  He  waited  an  hour,  walking  about, 


The  American  Claimant 

putting  in  his  time  as  well  as  he  could,  but  interested 
in  nothing  that  came  under  his  eye,  and  at  last  he 
presented  himself  at  the  office  again  and  asked  if  any 
answer  had  come  yet.  The  boy  said : 

44  No,  no  answer  yet;"  then  glanced  at  the  clock 
and  added,  "  I  don't  think  it's  likely  you'll  get  one 
to-day." 

4  Why  not?" 

4  Well,  you  see  it's  getting  pretty  late.  You  can't 
always  tell  where  'bouts  a  man  is  when  he's  on  the 
other  side,  and  you  can't  always  find  him  just  the 
minute  you  want  him,  and  you  see  it's  getting  about 
six  o'clock  now,  and  over  there  it's  pretty  late  at 
night." 

"Why,  yes,"  said  Tracy,  "I  hadn't  thought  of 
that." 

44  Yes,  pretty  late  now  —  half  past  ten  or  eleven. 
Oh,  yes,  you  probably  won't  get  any  answer  to-night," 


CHAPTER   XIV. 

SO  Tracy  went  home  to  supper.  The  odors  in  that 
supper-room  seemed  more  strenuous  and  more 
horrible  that  ever  before,  and  he  was  happy  in  the 
thought  that  he  was  so  soon  to  be  free  from  them 
again.  When  the  supper  was  over  he  hardly  knew 
whether  he  had  eaten  any  of  it  or  not,  and  he  certainly 
hadn't  heard  any  of  the  conversation.  His  heart  had 
been  dancing  all  the  time,  his  thoughts  had  been  far 
away  from  these  things,  and  in  the  visions  of  his  mind 
the  sumptuous  appointments  of  his  father's  castle  had 
risen  before  him  without  rebuke.  Even  the  plushed 
flunky,  that  walking  symbol  of  a  sham  inequality,  had 
not  been  unpleasant  to  his  dreaming  view.  After  the 
meal  Barrow  said : 

11  Come  with  me.     I'll  give  you  a  jolly  evening." 

"  Very  good.     Where  are  you  going?" 

<f  To  my  club." 

41  What  club  is  that?" 

j'  Mechanics'  Debating  Club." 

Tracy  shuddered  slightly.  He  didn't  say  anything 
about  having  visited  that  place  himself.  Somehow  he 
didn't  quite  relish  the  memory  of  that  time.  The 
sentiments  which  had  made  his  former  visit  there  so 
enjoyable,  and  filled  him  with  such  enthusiasm,  had 
undergone  a  gradual  change,  and  they  had  rotted  away 
to  such  a  degree  that  he  couldn't  contemplate  another 
there  with  anything  strongly  resembling  delight; 


118  The  American  Claimant 

in  fact,  he  was  a  little  ashamed  to  go.  He  didn't  want 
to  go  there  and  find  out  by  the  rude  impact  of  the 
thought  of  those  people  upon  his  reorganized  condition 
of  mind,  how  sharp  the  change  had  been.  He  would 
have  preferred  to  stay  away.  He  expected  that  now 
he  should  hear  nothing  except  sentiments  which  would 
be  a  reproach  to  him  in  his  changed  mental  attitude, 
and  he  rather  wished  he  might  be  excused.  And  yet 
he  didn't  quite  want  to  say  that;  he  didn't  want  to 
show  how  he  did  feel,  or  show  any  disinclination  to 
go ;  and  so  he  forced  himself  to  go  along  with  Barrow, 
privately  purposing  to  take  an  early  opportunity  to  get 
away. 

After  the  essayist  of  the  evening  had  read  his  paper, 
the  chairman  announced  that  the  debate  would  now  be 
upon  the  subject  of  the  previous  meeting,  "  The 
American  Press."  It  saddened  the  backsliding  dis- 
ciple to  hear  this  anouncement.  It  brought  up  too 
many  reminiscences.  He  wished  he  had  happened 
upon  some  other  subject.  But  the  debate  began,  and 
he  sat  still  and  listened. 

In  the  course  of  the  discussion  one  of  the  speakers  — 
a  blacksmith  named  Tompkins  —  arraigned  all  monarchs 
and  all  lords  in  the  earth  for  their  cold  selfishness  in 
retaining  their  unearned  dignities.  He  said  that  no 
monarch  and  no  son  of  a  monarch,  no  lord  and  no  son 
of  a  lord,  ought  to  be  able  to  look  his  fellow-man  ia 
the  face  without  shame.  Shame  for  consenting  to 
keep  his  unearned  titles,  property,  and  privileges  at 
the  expense  of  other  people ;  shame  for  consenting  to 
remain,  on  any  terms,  in  dishonorable  possession  of 
these  things,  which  represented  bygone  robberies  and 
wrongs  inflicted  upon  the  general  people  of  the  nation. 
He  said :  '  *  If  there  were  a  lord  or  the  son  of  a  lord 
here  I  would  like  to  reason  with  him,  and  try  to  show 
him  how  unfair  and  how  selfish  his  position  is.  I 


The  American  Claimant  119 

would  try  to  persuade  him  to  relinquish  it,  take  his 
place  among  men  on  equal  terms,  earn  the  bread  he 
eats,  and  hold  of  slight  value  all  deference  paid  him 
because  of  artificial  position,  all  reverence  not  the  just 
due  of  his  own  personal  merits." 

Tracy  seemed  to  be  listening  to  utterances  of  his 
own  made  in  talks  with  his  radical  friends  in  England. 
It  was  as  if  some  eavesdropping  phonograph  had 
treasured  up  his  words  and  brought  them  across  the 
Atlantic  to  accuse  him  with  them  in  the  hour  of  his 
defection  and  retreat.  Every  word  spoken  by  this 
stranger  seemed  to  leave  a  blister  on  Tracy's  con- 
science, and  by  the  time  the  speech  was  finished  he 
felt  that  he  was  all  conscience  and  one  blister.  This 
man's  deep  compassion  for  the  enslaved  and  oppressed 
millions  in  Europe  who  had  to  bear  with  the  contempt 
of  that  small  class  above  them,  throned  upon  shining 
heights  whose  paths  were  shut  against  them,  was  the 
very  thing  he  had  often  uttered  himself.  The  pity  in 
this  man's  voice  and  words  was  the  very  twin  of  the 
pity  that  used  to  reside  in  his  own  heart  and  come 
from  his  own  lips  when  he  thought  of  these  oppressed 
peoples. 

The  homeward  tramp  was  accomplished  in  brooding 
silence.  It  was  a  silence  most  grateful  to  Tracy's 
feelings.  He  wouldn't  have  broken  it  for  anything; 
for  he  was  ashamed  of  himself  all  the  way  through  to 
his  spine.  He  kept  saying  to  himself: 

"  How  unanswerable  it  all  is  —  how  absolutely  un- 
answerable !  It  is  basely,  degradingly  selfish  to  keep 
those  unearned  honors,  and  —  and  —  oh,  hang  it,  no- 
body but  a  cur  — " 

' '  What  an  idiotic  damned  speech  that  Tompkins 
made!" 

This  outburst  was  from  Barrow.  It  flooded  Tracy's 
demoralized  soul  with  waters  of  refreshment.  These 


120  The  American  Claimant 

were  the  darlingest  words  the  poor  vacillating  young 
apostate  had  ever  heard  —  for  they  whitewashed  his 
shame  for  him,  and  that  is  a  good  service  to  have 
when  you  can't  get  the  best  of  all  verdicts:  self- 
acquittal. 

"  Come  up  to  my  room  and  smoke  a  pipe,  Tracy." 

Tracy  had  been  expecting  this  invitation,  and  had 
had  his  declination  all  ready ;  but  he  was  glad  enough 
to  accept  now.  Was  it  possible  that  a  reasonable 
argument  could  be  made  against  that  man's  desolating 
speech?  He  was  burning  to  hear  Barrow  try  it.  He 
knew  how  to  start  him  and  keep  him  going ;  it  was  to 
seem  to  combat  his  positions  —  a  process  effective  with 
most  people. 

"  What  is  it  you  object  to  in  Tompkins's  speech, 
Barrow?" 

"  Oh,  the  leaving  out  of  the  factor  of  human  nature; 
requiring  another  man  to  do  what  you  wouldn't  do 
yourself." 

"  Do  you  mean — " 

"Why,  here's  what  I  mean;  it's  very  simple. 
Tompkins  is  a  blacksmith;  has  a  family;  works  for 
wages;  and  hard,  too  —  fooling  around  won't  furnish 
the  bread.  Suppose  it  should  turn  out  that  by  the 
death  of  somebody  in  England  he  is  suddenly  an  earl 
—  income,  half  a  million  dollars  a  year.  What  would 
he  do?" 

"  Well,  I  —  I  suppose  he  would  have  to  decline 
to—" 

"  Man,  he  would  grab  it  in  a  second !" 

"  Do  you  really  think  he  would?" 

"  Think?  —  I  don't  think  anything  about  it,  I  know 
it." 

"Why?" 

"  Why?     Because  he's  not  a  fool." 

"  So  you  think  that  if  he  were  a  fool,  he  — " 


The  American  Claimant  121 

44  No,  I  don't.  Fool  or  no  fool,  he  would  grab  it. 
Anybody  would.  Anybody  that's  alive.  And  I've 
seen  dead  people  that  would  get  up  and  go  for  it.  I 
would  myself." 

This  was  balm,  this  was  healing,  this  was  rest  and 
peace  and  comfort. 

(<  But  I  thought  you  were  opposed  to  nobilities?" 

44  Transmissible  ones,  yes.     But  that's  nothing.    I'm 
opposed  to  millionaires,  but  it  would  be  dangerous  to 
offer  me  the  position." 
4  You'd  take  it?" 

44  I  would  leave  the  funeral  of  my  dearest  enemy  to 
go  and  assume  its  burdens  and  responsibilities." 

Tracy  thought  a  while,  then  said : 

44  I  don't  know  that  I  quite  get  the  bearings  of  your 
position.  You  say  you  are  opposed  to  hereditary 
nobilities,  and  yet  if  you  had  the  chance  you 
would  — " 

44  Take  one?  In  a  minute  I  would.  And  there 
isn't  a  mechanic  in  that  entire  club  that  wouldn't. 
There  isn't  a  lawyer,  doctor,  editor,  author,  tinker, 
loafer,  railroad  president,  saint  —  land,  there  isn't  a 
human  being  in  the  United  States  that  wouldn't  jump 
at  the  chance !" 

4  Except  me,"  said  Tracy,  softly. 

14  Except  you  !"  Barrow  could  hardly  get  the  words 
out,  his  scorn  so  choked  him.  And  he  couldn't  get 
any  further  than  that  form  of  words ;  it  seemed  to  dam 
his  flow  utterly.  He  got  up  and  came  and  glared 
upon  Tracy  in  a  kind  of  outraged  and  unappeasable 
way,  and  said  again,  *4  Except  you  /"  He  walked 
around  him  —  inspecting  him  from  one  point  of  view 
and  then  another,  and  relieving  his  soul  now  and  then 
by  exploding  that  formula  at  him:  **  Except  you!" 
Finally  he  slumped  down  into  his  chair  with  the  air  ol 
one  who  gives  it  up,  and  said: 


122  The  American  Claimant 

*'  He's  straining  his  viscera  and  he's  breaking  his 
heart  trying  to  get  some  low-down  job  that  a  good  dog 
wouldn't  have,  and  yet  wants  to  let  on  that  if  he  had  a 
chance  to  scoop  an  earldom  he  wouldn't  do  it.  Tracy, 
don't  put  this  kind  of  a  strain  on  me.  Lately  I'm  not 
as  strong  as  I  was." 

44  Well,  I  wasn't  meaning  to  put  a  strain  on  you, 
Barrow;  I  was  only  meaning  to  intimate  that  if  an 
earldom  ever  does  fall  in  my  way  — ' ' 

44  There  —  I  wouldn't  give  myself  any  worry  about 
that  if  I  was  you.     And,  besides,  I  can  settle  what  you 
would  do.     Are  you  any  different  from  me?" 
•Well— no." 

41  Are  you  any  better  than  me?" 

44  Oh  —  er  —  why,  certainly  not." 

4  4  Are  you  as  good  f     Come ! ' ' 

44  Indeed,  I  —  the  fact  is  you  take  me  so  sud- 
denly—" 

44  Suddenly?  What  is  there  sudden  about  it?  It 
isn't  a  difficult  question,  is  it?  Or  doubtful?  Just 
measure  us  on  the  only  fair  lines  —  the  lines  of  merit 
—  and  of  course  you'll  admit  that  a  journeyman  chair- 
maker  that  earns  his  twenty  dollars  a  week,  and  has  had 
the  good  and  genuine  culture  of  contact  with  men,  and 
care,  and  hardship,  and  failure,  and  success,  and  downs 
and  ups  and  ups  and  downs,  is  just  a  trifle  the  superior 
of  a  young  fellow  like  you,  who  doesn't  know  how  to 
do  anything  that's  valuable,  can't  earn  his  living  in 
any  secure  and  steady  way,  hasn't  had  any  experience 
of  life  and  its  seriousness,  hasn't  any  culture  but  the 
artificial  culture  of  books,  which  adorns  but  doesn't 
really  educate  —  come !  if  /  wouldn't  scorn  an  earl- 
dom, what  the  devil  right  havejy<?#  to  do  it?" 

Tracy  dissembled  his  joy,  though  he  wanted  to  thank 
the  chair-maker  for  that  last  remark.  Presently  a 
thought  struck  him,  and  he  spoke  up  briskly  and  said: 


The  American  Claimant  123 

"  But  look  here,  I  really  can't  quite  get  the  hang  of 
your  notions  —  your  principles,  if  they  are  principles. 
You  are  inconsistent.  You  are  opposed  to  aristocra- 
cies, yet  you'd  take  an  earldom  if  you  could.  Am  I 
to  understand  that  you  don't  blame  an  earl  for  being 
and  remaining  an  earl?" 

"  I  certainly  don't." 

44  And  you  wouldn't  blame  Tompkins,  or  yourself, 
or  me,  or  anybody,  for  accepting  an  earldom  if  it  was 
offered?" 

4  Indeed,  I  wouldn't." 
4  Well,  then,  whom  would  you  blame?" 
4  The  whole  nation  —  any  bulk  and  mass  of  popu- 
lation anywhere,  in  any  country,  that  will  put  up  with 
the   infamy,   the   outrage,   the    insult  of   a    hereditary 
aristocracy  which  they  can't  enter  —  and  on  absolutely 
free  and  equal  terms." 

14  Come,  aren't  you  beclouding  yourself  with  distinc- 
tions that  are  not  differences?" 

44  Indeed,  I  am  not.  I  am  entirely  clear-headed 
about  this  thing.  If  I  could  extirpate  an  aristocratic 
system  by  declining  its  honors,  then  I  should  be  a 
rascal  to  accept  them.  And  if  enough  of  the  mass 
would  join  me  to  make  the  extirpation  possible,  then  I 
should  be  a  rascal  to  do  otherwise  than  help  in  the 
attempt." 

44  I  believe  I  understand  —  yes,  I  think  I  get  the 
idea.  You  have  no  blame  for  the  lucky  few  who 
naturally  decline  to  vacate  the  pleasant  nest  they  were 
born  into  ;  you  only  despise  the  all-powerful  and  stupid 
mass  of  the  nation  for  allowing  the  nest  to  exist." 

44  That's  it,  that's  it!     You  can  get  a  simple  thing 
through  your  head  if  you  work  at  it  long  enough." 
•Thanks." 

"  Don't  mention  it.  And  I'll  give  you  some  sound 
advice :  when  you  go  back,  if  you  find  your  nation  up 


124  The  American  Claimant 

and  ready  to  abolish  that  hoary  affront,  lend  a  hand ; 
but  if  that  isn't  the  state  of  things  and  you  get  a 
chance  at  an  earldom,  don't  you  be  a  fool  —  you  take 
it." 

Tracy  responded  with  earnestness  and  enthusiasm : 

44  As  I  live,  I'll  do  it!" 

Barrow  laughed. 

"  I  never  saw  such  a  fellow.  I  begin  to  think  you've 
got  a  good  deal  of  imagination.  With  you,  the  idlest 
fancy  freezes  into  a  reality  at  a  breath.  Why,  you 
looked,  then,  as  if  it  wouldn't  astonish  you  if  you  did 
tumble  into  an  earldom."  Tracy  blushed.  Barrow 
added:  "  Earldom!  Oh,  yes,  take  it  if  it  offers;  but 
meantime  we'll  go  on  looking  around,  in  a  modest 
way,  and  if  you  get  a  chance  to  superintend  a  sausage- 
stuffer  at  six  or  eight  dollars  a  week,  you  just  trade  off 
the  earldom  for  a  last  year's  almanac  and  stick  to  the 
sausage  -stuffing." 


CHAPTER   XV. 

""TRACY  went  to  bed  happy  once  more,  at  rest  in  his 
I  mind  once  more.  He  had  started  out  on  a  high 
emprise  —  that  was  to  his  credit,  he  argued ;  he  had 
fought  the  best  fight  he  could,  considering  the  odds 
against  him  —  that  was  to  his  credic;  he  had  been 
defeated  —  certainly  there  was  nothing  discreditable  in 
that.  Being  defeated,  he  had  a  right  to  retire  with 
the  honors  of  war  and  go  back  without  prejudice  to  the 
position  in  the  world's  society  to  which  he  had  been 
born.  Why  not?  Even  the  rabid  republican  chair- 
maker  would  do  that.  Yes,  his  conscience  was  com- 
fortable once  more. 

He  woke  refreshed,  happy,  and  eager  for  his  cable- 
gram. He  had  been  born  an  aristocrat,  he  had  been  a 
democrat  for  a  time,  he  was  now  an  aristocrat  again. 
He  marveled  to  find  that  this  final  change  was  not 
merely  intellectual,  it  had  invaded  his  feeling;  and  he 
also  marveled  to  note  that  this  feeling  seemed  a  good 
deal  less  artificial  than  any  he  had  entertained  in  his 
system  for  a  long  time.  He  could  also  have  noted,  if 
he  had  thought  of  it,  that  his  bearing  had  stiffened 
over  night,  and  that  his  chin  had  lifted  itself  a  shade. 
Arrived  in  the  basement,  he  was  about  to  enter  the 
breakfast-room  when  he  saw  old  Marsh  in  the  dim  light 
of  a  corner  of  the  hall,  beckoning  him  with  his  finger 
to  approach.  The  blood  welled  slowly  up  in  Tracy's 
cheek,  and  he  said,  with  a  grade  of  injured  dignity 
almost  ducal : 

9^  (ia$) 


126  The  American  Claimant 


11  Is  that  for  me?" 
"Yes." 


'  What  is  the  purpose  of  it?" 

"  I  want  to  speak  to  you  —  in  private. >: 

"  This  spot  is  private  enough  for  me." 

Marsh  was  surprised ;  and  not  particularly  pleased. 
He  approached  and  said : 

"  Oh,  in  public,  then,  if  you  prefer.  Though  it 
hasn't  been  my  way." 

The  boarders  gathered  to  the  spot,  interested. 

"  Speak  out,"  said  Tracy.   "  What  is  it  you  want?" 

*  Well,  haven't  you  —  er  • —  forgot  something?" 

'  I?     I'm  not  aware  of  it." 

Oh,    you're    not?     Now   you    stop    and    think    a 
minute." 

"  I  refuse  to  stop  and  think.  It  doesn't  interest  me. 
If  it  interests  you,  speak  out." 

'  Well,  then,"  said  Marsh,  raising  his  voice  to  a 
slightly  angry  pitch,  "you  forgot  to  pay  your  board 
yesterday —  if  you're  botmd  to  have  it  public." 

Oh,  yes ;  this  heir  to  an  annual  million  or  so  had 
been  dreaming  and  soaring,  and  had  forgotten  that 
pitiful  three  or  four  dollars.  For  penalty  he  must 
have  it  coarsely  flung  in  his  face  in  the  presence  of 
these  people  —  people  in  whose  countenances  was 
already  beginning  to  dawn  an  uncharitable  enjoyment 
of  the  situation. 

1 '  Is  that  all !  Take  your  money  and  give  your 
terrors  a  rest." 

Tracy's  hand  went  down  into  his  pocket  with  angry 
decision.  But  —  it  didn't  come  out.  The  color  began 
to  ebb  out  of  his  face.  The  countenances  about  him 
showed  a  growing  interest;  and  some  of  them  a 
heightened  satisfaction.  There  was  an  uncomfortable 
pause ;  then  he  forced  out,  with  difficulty,  the  words : 

"I've  — been  robbed!  " 


The  American  Claimant  127 

Old  Marsh's  eyes  flamed  up  with  Spanish  fire,  and 
he  exclaimed: 

"  Robbed,  is  it?  Thaf  s  your  tune?  It's  too  old  — 
been  played  in  this  house  too  often ;  everybody  plays 
it  that  can't  get  work  when  he  wants  it,  and  won't 
work  when  he  can  get  it.  Trot  out  Mr.  Allen,  some- 
body, and  let  him  take  a  toot  at  it.  It's  his  turn  next; 
he  forgot,  too,  last  night.  I'm  laying  for  him." 

One  of  the  negro  women  came  scrambling  down 
stairs  as  pale  as  a  sorrel  horse  with  consternation  and 
excitement : 

44  Misto  Marsh,  Misto  Allen's  skipped  out!" 

"What!" 

"  Yes-sah,  and  cleaned  out  his  room  clean;  tuck 
bof e  towels  en  de  soap  ! ' ' 

te  You  lie,  you  hussy  !" 

"  It's  jes*  so,  jes'  as  I  tells  you  —  en  Misto  Sumner's 
socks  is  gone,  en  Misto  Naylor's  yuther  shirt." 

Mr.  Marsh  was  at  boiling-point  by  this  time.  He 
turned  upon  Tracy. 

"  Answer  up  now  —  when  are  you  going  to  settle?" 
1  To-day  —  since  you  seem  to  be  in  a  hurry." 

"  To-day,  is  it?  Sunday  —  and  you  out  of  work? 
I  like  that.  Come  —  where  are  you  going  to  get  the 
money?" 

Tracy's  spirit  was  rising  again.  He  proposed  to  im- 
press these  people. 

'*  I  am  expecting  a  cablegram  from  home." 

Old  Marsh  was  caught  out,  with  the  surprise  of  it. 
The  idea  was  so  immense,  so  extravagant,  that  he 
couldn't  get  his  breath  at  first.  When  he  did  get  it,  it 
came  rancid  with  sarcasm. 

"  A  cablegram  —  think  of  it,  ladies  and  gents,  he's 
expecting  a  cablegram  !  He's  expecting  a  cablegram 
—  this  duffer,  this  scrub,  this  bilk  !  From  his  father  — 
eh?  Yes  —  without  a  doubt.  A  dollar  or  two  a  word 


128  The  American  Claimant 

—  oh,  that's  nothing  —  they  don't  mind  a  little  thing 
like  that  —  this  kind's  fathers  don't.  Now  his  father 
is  —  er  —  well,  I  reckon  his  father  • — ' ' 

"  My  father  is  an  English  earl !" 

The  crowd  fell  back  aghast  • —  aghast  at  the  sublimity 
of  the  young  loafer's  *'  cheek/'  Then  they  burst  into 
a  laugh  that  made  the  windows  rattle.  Tracy  was  too 
angry  to  realize  that  he  had  done  a  foolish  thing.  He 
said: 

"Stand  aside,  please.     I — " 

"  Wait  a  minute,  your  lordship,"  said  Marsh,  bow- 
ing low;  "  where  is  your  lordship  going?" 

"  For  the  cablegram.     Let  me  pass." 

"  Excuse  me,  your  lordship,  you'll  stay  right  where 
you  are." 

"  What  do  you  mean  by  that?" 

**  I  mean  that  I  didn't  begin  to  keep  boarding  house 
yesterday.  It  means  that  I  am  not  the  kind  that  can 
be  taken  in  by  every  hack-driver's  son  that  comes 
loafing  over  here  because  he  can't  bum  a  living  at 
home.  It  means  that  you  can't  skip  out  on  any 
such—" 

Tracy  made  a  step  toward  the  old  man,  but  Mrs. 
Marsh  sprang  between,  and  said : 

"  Don't,  Mr.  Tracy,  please."  She  turned  to  her 
husband  and  said,  "  Do  bridle  your  tongue.  What  has 
he  done  to  be  treated  so?  Can't  you  see  he  has  lost  his 
mind  with  trouble  and  distress ?  He's  not  responsible. ' ' 

*'  Thank  your  kind  heart,  madam,  but  I've  not  lost 
my  mind;  and  if  I  can  have  the  mere  privilege  of 
stepping  to  the  telegraph  office  — ' ' 

"  Well,  you  can't!"  cried  Marsh. 

" — or  sending — " 

"  Sending!  That  beats  everything.  If  there's  any- 
body that's  fool  enough  to  go  on  such  a  chuckle- 
headed  errand — " 


The  American  Claimant  129 

"  Here  comes  Mr.  Barrow  —  he  will  go  for  me, 
Barrow—" 

A  brisk  fire  of  exclamation  broke  out : 
"  Say,  Barrow,  he's  expecting  a  cablegram !" 
11  Cablegram  from  his  father,  you  know!" 
"  Yes  —  cablegram  from  the  wax-figger!" 
"  And  say,  Barrow,  this  fellow's  an  earl  —  take  off 
your  hat,  pull  down  your  vest!" 

1  Yes,  he's  come  off  and  forgot  his  crown  that  he 
wears  Sundays.  He's  cabled  over  to  his  poppy  to 
send  it." 

'  You  step  out  and  get  that  cablegram,  Barrow;  his 
majesty's  a  little  lame  to-day." 

"  Oh,  stop,"  cried  Barrow;  "  give  the  man  a 
chance."  He  turned,  and  said  with  some  severity, 
"Tracy,  what's  the  matter  with  you?  What  kind  of 
foolishness  is  this  you've  been  talking?  You  ought  to 
have  more  sense." 

"  I've  not  been  talking  foolishness;  and  if  you'll  go 
to  the  telegraph  office  — ' ' 

"  Oh,  don't  talk  so.     I'm  your  friend  in  trouble  and 
out  of  it,  before  your  face  and  behind  your  back,  for 
anything  in  reason  :  but  you've  lost  your  head,  you 
see,  and  this  moonshine  about  a  cablegram — " 
"  /'//  go  there  and  ask  for  it!" 
*  Thank  you  from  the  bottom  of  my  heart,  Brady. 
Here,  I'll  give  you   a  written   order  for  it.     Fly  now 
and  fetch  it.     We'll  soon  see!" 

Brady  flew.  Immediately  the  sort  of  quiet  began  to 
steal  over  the  crowd  which  means  dawning  doubt,  mis« 
giving;  and  might  be  translated  into  the  words  "  Maybe 
he  is  expecting  a  cablegram  —  maybe  he  has  got  a 
father  somewhere  —  maybe  we've  been  just  a  little  too 
fresh,  just  a  shade  too  '  previous !'  ''  Loud  talk 
ceased ;  then  the  mutterings  and  low  murmurings  and 
whisperings  died  out.  The  crowd  began  to  crumble 
9*** 


1J6  The  American  Claimant 

apart.  By  ones  and  twos  the  fragments  drifted  to  the 
breakfast  table.  Barrow  tried  to  bring  Tracy  in;  but 
he  said : 

"  Not  yet,  Barrow  —  presently." 

Mrs.  Marsh  and  Hattie  tried,  offering  gentle  and 
kindly  persuasions ;  but  he  said  : 

"  I  would  rather  wait  —  till  he  comes." 

Even  old  Marsh  began  to  have  suspicions  that  maybe 
he  had  been  a  trifle  too  "  brash,"  as  he  called  it  in  the 
privacy  of  his  soul,  and  he  pulled  himself  together  and 
started  toward  Tracy  with  invitation  in  his  eyes ;  but 
Tracy  warned  him  off  with  a  gesture  which  was  quite 
positive  and  eloquent.  Then  followed  the  stillest 
quarter  of  an  hour  which  had  ever  been  known  in  that 
house  at  that  time  of  day.  It  was  so  still,  and  so 
solemn  withal,  that  when  somebody's  cup  slipped  from 
his  ringers  and  landed  in  his.  plate  the  shock  made 
people  start,  and  the  sharp  sound  seemed  as  indecorous 
there  and  as  out  of  place  as  if  a  coffin  and  mourners 
were  imminent  and  being  waited  for.  And  at  last 
when  Brady's  feet  came  clattering  down  the  stairs  the 
sacrilege  seemed  unbearable.  Everybody  rose  softly 
and  turned  toward  the  door,  where  stood  Tracy;  then, 
with  a  common  impulse,  moved  a  step  or  two  in  that 
direction,  and  stopped.  While  they  gazed  young  Brady 
arrived,  panting,  and  put  into  Tracy's  hand  —  sure 
enough  —  an  envelope.  Tracy  fastened  a  bland,  vic- 
torious eye  upon  the  gazers,  and  kept  it  there  till  one 
by  one  they  dropped  their  eyes,  vanquished  and  em- 
barrassed. Then  he  tore  open  the  telegram  and  glanced 
at  its  message.  The  yellow  paper  fell  from  his  fingers 
and  fluttered  to  the  floor,  and  his  face  turned  white. 
There  was  nothing  there  but  one  word : 

44  Thanks." 

The  humorist  of  the  house,  the  tall,  raw-boned  Billy 
Nash,  caulker  from  the  navy  yard,  was  standing  in  the 


The  American  Claimant  13* 

rear  of  the  crowd.  In  the  midst  of  the  pathetic  silence 
that  was  now  brooding  over  the  place  and  moving 
some  few  hearts  there  toward  compassion,  he  began  to 
whimper,  then  he  put  his  handkerchief  to  his  eyes  and 
buried  his  face  in  the  neck  of  the  bashfulest  young 
fellow  in  the  company,  a  navy-yard  blacksmith, 
shrieked  "  Oh,  pappy,  how  could  you  !"  and  began  to 
bawl  like  a  teething  baby,  if  one  may  imagine  a  baby 
with  the  energy  and  the  devastating  voice  of  a  jackass. 

So  perfect  was  the  imitation  of  a  child's  cry,  and  so 
vast  the  scale  of  it,  and  so  ridiculous  the  aspect  of  the 
performer,  that  all  gravity  was  swept  from  the  place  as 
if  by  a  hurricane,  and  almost  everybody  there  joined 
in  the  crash  of  laughter  provoked  by  the  exhibition. 
Then  the  small  mob  began  to  take  its  revenge  —  re- 
venge for  the  discomfort  and  apprehension  it  had 
brought  upon  itself  by  its  own  too  rash  freshness  of  a 
little  while  before.  It  guyed  its  poor  victim,  baited 
him,  worried  him,  as  dcgs  do  with  a  cornered  cat. 
The  victim  answered  back  with  defiances  and  challenges 
which  included  everybody,  and  which  only  gave  the 
sport  new  spirit  and  variety ;  but  when  he  changed  his 
tactics  and  began  to  single  out  individuals  and  invite 
them  by  name,  the  fun  lost  its  funniness  and  the 
interest  of  the  show  died  out,  along  with  the  noise. 

Finally  Marsh  was  about  to  take  an  innings,  but 
Barrow  said : 

"  Never  mind  now  —  leave  him  alone.  You've  no 
account  with  him  but  a  money  account.  I'll  take  care 
of  that  myself.'* 

The  distressed  and  worried  landlady  gave  Barrow  a 
fervently  grateful  look  for  his  championship  of  the 
abused  stranger;  and  the  pet  of  the  house,  a  very 
prism  in  her  cheap  but  ravishing  Sunday  rig  blew  him 
a  kiss  from  the  tips  of  her  fingers  and  said,  with  the 
darlingest  smile  and  a  sweet  little  toss  of  her  head : 
i*** 


132  The  American  Claimant 

*  You're  the  only  man  here,  and  I'm  going  to  set 
my  cap  for  you,  you  dear  old  thing!" 

"  For  shame,  Puss!  How  you  talk!  I  never  saw 
such  a  child!" 

It  took  a  good  deal  of  argument  and  persuasion  — 
that  is  to  say,  petting,  under  these  disguises  —  to  get 
Tracy  to  entertain  the  idea  of  breakfast.  He  at  first 
said  he  would  never  eat  again  in  that  house ;  and  added 
that  he  had  enough  firmness  of  character,  he  trusted, 
to  enable  him  to  starve  like  a  man  when  the  alternative 
was  to  eat  insult  with  his  bread. 

When  he  had  finished  his  breakfast,  Barrow  took 
him  to  his  room,  furnished  him  a  pipe,  and  said 
cheerily : 

11  Now,  old  fellow,  take  in  your  battle-flag  out  of 
the  wet;  you're  not  in  the  hostile  camp  any  more. 
You're  a  little  upset  by  your  troubles,  and  that's 
natural  enough,  but  don't  let  your  mind  run  on  them 
any  more  than  you  can  help  ;  drag  your  thoughts  away 
from  your  troubles  —  by  the  ears,  by  the  heels,  or  any 
other  way,  so  you  manage  it;  it's  the  healthiest  thing 
a  body  can  do ;  dwelling  on  troubles  is  deadly,  just 
deadly  —  and  that's  the  softest  name  there  is  for  it. 
You  must  keep  your  mind  amused  —  you  must, 
indeed." 

"Oh,  miserable  me!" 

"Don't!  There's  just  pure  heart-break  in  that 
tone.  It's  just  as  I  say;  you've  got  to  get  right  down 
to  it  and  amuse  your  mind,  as  if  it  was  salvation." 

*  They're  easy  words  to  say,  Barrow,  but  how  am  I 
going   to    amuse,  entertain,  divert   a   mind   that  finds 
itself  suddenly  assaulted  and  overwhelmed  by  disaster 
of    a   sort   not   dreamed    of    and    not   provided    for? 
No-no,  the  bare  idea  of  amusement  is  repulsive  to  my 
feelings.     Let  us  talk  of  deaths  and  funerals." 

"  No  —  not  yet.     That  would  be  giving  up  the  ship. 


The  American  Claimant  133 

We'll  not  give  up  the  ship  yet.  I'm  going  to  amuse 
you ;  I  sent  Brady  out  for  the  wherewithal  before  you 
finished  breakfast." 

4  You  did?     What  is  it?" 

"  Come,  this  is  a  good  sign  —  curiosity.    Oh,  there's 
hope  for  you  yet  "" 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

BRADY  arrived  with  a  box,  and  departed,  after 
saying : 

1  They're  finishing  one  up,  but  they'll  be  along  as 
soon  as  it's  done." 

Barrow  took  a  frameless  oil  portrait  a  foot  square 
from  the  box,  set  it  up  in  a  good  light,  without  com- 
ment, and  reached  for  another,  taking  a  fugitive  glance 
at  Tracy  meantime.  The  stony  solemnity  in  Tracy's 
face  remained  as  it  was,  and  gave  out  no  sign  of 
interest.  Barrow  placed  the  second  portrait  beside  the 
first,  and  stole  another  glance  while  reaching  for  a 
third.  The  stone  image  softened  a  shade.  No.  3 
forced  the  ghost  of  a  smile,  No.  4  swept  indifference 
wholly  away,  and  No.  5  started  a  laugh  which  was  still 
in  good  and  hearty  condition  when  No.  14  took  its 
place  in  the  row. 

"  Oh,  you're  all  right  yet,"  said  Barrow.  "  You 
see,  you're  not  past  amusement." 

The  pictures  were  fearful  as  to  color,  and  atrocious 
as  to  drawing  and  expression ;  but  the  feature  which 
squelched  animosity  and  made  them  funny  was  a 
feature  which  could  not  achieve  its  full  force  in  a 
single  picture,  but  required  the  wonder-working  assist- 
ance of  repetition.  One  loudly  dressed  mechanic  in 
stately  attitude,  with  his  hand  on  a  cannon,  ashore, 
and  a  ship  riding  at  anchor  in  the  offing  —  this  is 
merely  odd ;  but  when  one  sees  the  same  cannon  and 

(i34) 


The  American  Claimant  135 

the  same  ship  in  fourteen  pictures  in  a  row,  and  a 
different  mechanic  standing  watch  in  each,  the  thing 
gets  to  be  funny. 

"  Explain  —  explain  these  aberrations,"  said  Tracy. 

"Well,  they  are  not  the  achievement  of  a  single 
intellect,  a  single  talent  —  it  takes  two  to  do  these 
miracles.  They  are  collaborations  ;  the  one  artist  does 
the  figure,  the  other  the  accessories.  The  figure-artist 
is  a  German  shoemaker  with  an  untaught  passion  for 
art,  the  other  is  a  simple-hearted  old  Yankee  sailor- 
man  whose  possibilities  are  strictly  limited  to  his  ship, 
his  cannon,  and  his  patch  of  petrified  sea.  They  work 
these  things  up  from  twenty-five  cent  tintypes ;  they 
get  six  dollars  apiece  for  them,  and  they  can  grind 
out  a  couple  a  day  when  they  strike  what  they  call  a 
boost  —  that  is,  an  inspiration." 

"  People  actually  pay  money  for  these  calumnies?" 

"  They  actually  do  —  and  quite  willingly,  too.  And 
these  abortionists  could  double  their  trade  and  work 
the  women  in  if  Captain  Saltmarsh  could  whirl  a  horse 
in,  or  a  piano,  or  a  guitar,  in  place  of  his  cannon. 
The  fact  is,  he  fatigues  the  market  with  that  cannon. 
Even  the  male  market,  I  mean.  These  fourteen  in 
the  procession  are  not  all  satisfied.  One  is  an  old 
"independent"  fireman,  and  he  wants  an  engine  in 
place  of  the  cannon ;  another  is  a  mate  of  a  tug,  and 
wants  a  tug  in  place  of  the  ship  —  and  so  on,  and  so 
on.  But  the  captain  can't  make  a  tug  that  is  decep- 
tive, and  a  fire  engine  is  many  flights  beyond  his 
power." 

4  This  is  a  most  extraordinary  form  of  robbery.  I 
never  have  heard  of  anything  like  it.  It's  interesting." 
1  Yes,  and  so  are  the  artists.  They  are  perfectly 
honest  men,  and  sincere.  And  the  old  sailor-man  is 
full  of  sound  religion,  and  is  as  devoted  a  student  of 
the  Bible  and  misquoter  of  it  as  you  can  find  anywhere. 


136  The  American  Claimant 

I  don't  know  a  better  man  or  kinder  hearted  old  soul 
than  Saltmarsh,  although  he  does  swear  a  little  some- 
times." 

"  He  seems  to  be  perfect.  I  want  to  know  him, 
Barrow." 

*  You'll  have  the  chance.  I  guess  I  hear  them 
coming  now.  We'll  draw  them  out  on  their  art,  if 
you  like." 

The  artists  arrived  and  shook  hands  with  great  hearti- 
ness. The  German  was  forty  and  a  little  fleshy,  with 
a  shiny  bald  head  and  a  kindly  face  and  deferential 
manner.  Captain  Saltmarsh  was  sixty,  tall,  erect, 
powerfully  built,  with  coal-black  hair  and  whiskers, 
and  he  had  a  well- tanned  complexion,  and  a  gait  and 
countenance  that  were  full  of  command,  confidence, 
and  decision.  His  horny  hands  and  wrists  were  covered 
with  tattoo-marks,  and  when  his  lips  parted  his  teeth 
showed  up  white  and  blemishless.  His  voice  was  the 
effortless  deep  bass  of  a  church  organ,  and  would  dis- 
turb the  tranquillity  of  a  gas  flame  fifty  yards  away. 

4  They're  wonderful  pictures,"  said  Barrow.  "  We've 
been  examining  them." 

"  It  is  very  bleasant  dot  you  like  dem,"  said  Handel, 
the  German,  greatly  pleased.  "  Und  you,  Herr  Tracy, 
you  haf  peen  bleased  mit  dem  too,  alretty?" 

"  I  can  honestly  say  I  have  never  seen  anything  just 
like  them  before." 

"Schon!"  cried  the  German,  delighted.  *  You 
hear,  Gaptain?  Here  is  a  chentleman,  yes,  vot  abbre- 
ciate  unser  aart." 

The  Captain  was  charmed,  and  said: 

"  Well,  sir,  we're  thankful  for  a  compliment  yet, 
though  they're  not  as  scarce  now  as  they  used  to  be 
before  we  made  a  reputation." 

"  Getting  the  reputation  is  the  uphill  time  in  most 
things,  Captain." 


The  American  Claimant  137 

"  It's  so.  It  ain't  enough  to  know  how  to  reef  a 
gasket,  you  got  to  make  the  mate  know  you  know  it. 
That's  reputation.  The  good  word,  said  at  the  right 
time,  that's  the  word  that  makes  us;  and  evil  be  to 
him  that  evil  thinks,  as  Isaiah  says." 

"  It's  very  relevant,  and  hits  the  point  exactly," 
said  Tracy.  "  Where  did  you  study  art,  Captain?" 

"  I  haven't  studied;   it's  a  natural  gift." 

44  He  is  born  mit  dose  cannon  in  him.  He  tondt 
haf  to  do  noding,  his  chenius  do  all  de  vork.  Of  he  is 
asleep,  und  take  a  pencil  in  his  hand,  out  come  a 
cannon.  Py  crashus,  of  he  could  do  a  clavier,  of  he 
could  do  a  guitar,  of  he  could  do  a  vashtub,  it  is  a 
fortune;  heiliger  Yohanniss,  it  is  yoost  a  fortune  !" 

"Well,  it  is  an  immense  pity  that  the  business  is 
hindered  and  limited  in  this  unfortunate  way." 

The  Captain  grew  a  trifle  excited  himself  now. 

"You've  said  it,  Mr.  Tracy!  Hindered?  well,  I 
should  say  so.  Why,  look  here.  This  fellow  here, 
No.  11,  he's  a  hackman  —  a  flourishing  hackman,  I 
may  say.  He  wants  his  hack  in  this  picture.  Wants 
it  where  the  cannon  is.  I  got  around  that  difficulty  by 
telling  him  the  cannon's  our  trademark,  so  to  speak  — 
proves  that  the  picture's  our  work,  and  I  was  afraid  if 
we  left  it  out  people  wouldn't  know  for  certain  if  it 
was  a  Saltmarsh-Handel  —  now  you  wouldn't  your- 
self—" 

**  What,  Captain?  You  wrong  yourself,  indeed  you 
do.  Any  one  who  has  once  seen  a  genuine  Saltmarsh- 
Handel  is  safe  from  imposture  forever.  Strip  it,  flay 
it,  skin  it  out  of  every  detail  but  the  bare  color  and 
expression,  and  that  man  will  still  recognize  it,  still 
stop  to  worship — " 

44  Oh,  how  it  makes  me  feel  to  hear  dose  expres- 
sions!" 

— 44  still  say  to  himself  again,  as  he  had  said  a  hun- 


138  The  American  Claimant 

dred  times  before,  the  art  of  the  Saltmarsh-Handel  ia 
an  art  apart ;  there  is  nothing  in  the  heavens  above  or 
in  the  earth  beneath  that  resembles  it  — ' ' 

"  Py  chiminy,  nur  horen  Sie  einmal !  In  my  lifeday 
haf  I  never  heard  so  brecious  worts." 

"  So  I  talked  him  out  of  the  hack,  Mr.  Tracy,  and 
he  let  up  on  that,  and  said  put  in  a  hearse,  then  — 
because  he's  chief  mate  of  a  hearse,  but  don't  own 
it  —  stands  a  watch  for  wages,  you  know.  But  I  can't 
do  a  hearse  any  more  than  I  can  a  hack ;  so  here  we 
are  —  becalmed,  you  see.  And  it's  the  same  with 
women  and  such.  They  come  and  they  want  a  little 
johnry  picture  — ' ' 

"  It's  the  accessories  that  make  it  a  genre  f 

"  Yes  —  cannon,  or  cat,  or  any  little  thing  like  that, 
that  you  heave  in  to  whoop  up  the  effect.  We  could 
do  a  prodigious  trade  with  the  women  if  we  could  fore- 
ground the  things  they  like,  but  they  don't  give  a 
damn  for  artillery.  Mine's  the  lack,"  continued  the 
Captain,  with  a  sigh.  "  Andy's  end  of  the  business  is 
all  right  —  I  tell  you,  he's  an  artist  from  wayback!" 

"  Yoost  hear  dot  old  man!  He  always  talk  'poud 
me  like  dot,"  purred  the  pleased  German. 

14  Look  at  his  work  yourself!  Fourteen  portraits  in 
a  row.  And  no  two  of  them  alike." 

"  Now  that  you  speak  of  it,  it  is  true;  I  hadn't 
noticed  it  before.  It  is  very  remarkable.  Unique,  I 
suppose." 

'*  I  should  say  so.  That's  the  very  thing  about 
Andy  —  he  discriminates.  Discrimination's  the  thief 
of  time  —  forty-ninth  Psalm ;  but  that  ain't  any  matter ; 
it's  the  honest  thing,  and  it  pays  in  the  end." 

"  Yes,  he  certainly  is  great  in  that  feature,  one  is 
obliged  to  admit  it;  but — now  mind,  I'm  not  really 
criticising — don't  you  think  he  is  just  a  trifle  over* 
strong  in  technique?" 


The  American  Claimant  139 

The  Captain's  face  was  knocked  expressionless  by 
this  remark.  It  remained  quite  vacant  while  he  mut- 
tered to  himself :  ' '  Technique  —  technique  —  poly- 
technique  —  pyrotechnique ;  that's  it,  likely  —  fire- 
works—  too  much  color."  Then  he  spoke  up  with 
serenity  and  confidence,  and  said : 

"  Well,  yes,  he  does  pile  it  on  pretty  loud ;  but  they 
all  like  it,  you  know  —  fact  is,  it's  the  life  of  the  busi- 
ness. Take  that  No.  9  there  —  Evans  the  butcher. 
He  drops  into  the  stoodio  as  sober-colored  as  anything 
you  ever  see;  now  look  at  him.  You  can't  tell  him 
from  scarlet-fever.  Well,  it  pleases  that  butcher  to 
death.  I'm  making  a  study  of  a  sausage-wreath  to 
hang  on  the  cannon,  and  I  don't  really  reckon  I  can 
do  it  right;  but  if  I  can,  we  can  break  the  butcher." 

"  Unquestionably  your  confederate  —  I  mean  your 
—  your  fellow-craftsman  —  is  a  great  colorist  — ' ' 

"Oh,  danke  schon  !  — " 

— "  in  fact,  a  quite  extraordinary  colorist;  a  color- 
ist, I  make  bold  to  say,  without  imitator  here  or 
abroad  —  and  with  a  most  bold  and  effective  touch,  a 
touch  like  a  battering-ram,  and  a  manner  so  peculiar 
and  romantic  and  extraneous  and  ad  libitum  and  heart- 
searching  that  —  that  —  he  —  he  is  an  impressionist,  I 
presume?" 

"  No,"  said  the  Captain,  simply,  "he  is  a  Presby- 
terian." 

"It  accounts  for  it  all  —  all  —  there's  something 
divine  about  his  art  —  soulful,  unsatisfactory,  yearning, 
dim-hearkening  on  the  void  horizon,  vague-murmuring 
co  the  spirit  out  of  ultra-marine  distances  and  far- 
sounding  cataclysms  of  uncreated  space  —  oh,  if  he  — 
if  he  —  has  he  ever  tried  distemper?" 

The  Captain  answered  up,  with  energy: 

"Not  if  he  knows  himself!  But  his  dog  has. 
and—" 


140  The  American  Claimant 

"  Oh,  no,  it  vas  not  my  dog." 
1  Why,  you  said  it  was  your  dog." 

11  Oh,  no,  Captain,  I—" 

"  It  was  a  white  dog,  wasn't  it,  with  his  tail  docked, 
and  one  ear  gone,  and  — " 

"  Dot's  him,  dot's  him  !  —  der  fery  dog.  Wy,  py 
Chorge,  dot  dog  he  vould  eat  baint  yoost  de  same 
like—" 

"Well,  never  mind  that  now — 'vast  heaving— I 
never  saw  such  a  man.  You  start  him  on  that  dog 
and  he'll  dispute  a  year.  Blamed  if  I  haven't  seen  him 
keep  it  up  a  level  two  hours  and  a  half." 

"Why,  Captain!"  said  Barrow.  "I  guess  that 
must  be  hearsay." 

"No,  sir,  no  hearsay  about  it- — he  disputed  with 
me." 

11  I  don't  see  how  you  stood  it." 

"  Oh,  you've  got  to  —  if  you  run  with  Andy.  But 
it's  the  only  fault  he's  got." 

"  Ain't  you  afraid  of  acquiring  it?" 

"  Oh,  no,"  said  the  Captain,  tranquilly;  "  no  danger 
of  that,  I  reckon." 

The  artists  presently  took  their  leave.  Then  Barrow 
put  his  hands  on  Tracy's  shoulders  and  said: 

"  Look  me  in  the  eye,  my  boy.  Steady,  steady. 
There  —  it's  just  as  I  thought  —  hoped,  anyway; 
you're  all  right,  thank  goodness.  Nothing  the  matter 
with  your  mind.  But  don't  do  that  again  —  even  for 
fun»  It  isn't  wise.  They  wouldn't  have  believed  you 
if  you'd  been  an  earl's  son.  Why,  they  couldn't  — 
don't  you  know  that?  What  ever  possessed  you  to 
take  such  a  freak?  But  never  mind  about  that;  let's 
not  talk  of  it.  It  was  a  mistake ;  you  see  that  your- 
self." 

"  Yes  —  it  was  a  mistake." 

"  Well,  just  drop  it  out  of  your  mind ;  it's  no  harm; 


Tne  American  Claimant  141 

we  all  make  them.  Pull  your  courage  together,  and 
don't  brood,  and  don't  give  up.  I'm  at  your  back, 
and  we'll  pull  through,  don't  you  be  afraid." 

When  he  was  gone,  Barrow  walked  the  floor  a  good 
while,  uneasy  in  his  mind.  He  said  to  himself,  "  I'm 
troubled  about  him.  He  never  would  have  made  a  break 
like  that  if  he  hadn't  been  a  little  off  his  balance.  But  I 
know  what  being  out  of  work  and  no  prospect  ahead 
can  do  for  a  man.  First  it  knocks  the  pluck  out  of 
him  and  drags  his  pride  in  the  dirt ;  worry  does  the 
rest,  and  his  mind  gets  shaky.  I  must  talk  to  these 
people.  No  —  if  there's  any  humanity  in  them  —  and 
there  is,  at  bottom  —  they'll  be  easier  on  him  if  they 
think  his  troubles  have  disturbed  his  reason.  But  I've 
got  to  find  him  some  work;  work's  the  only  medicine 
for  his  disease.  Poor  devil !  away  off  here,  and  not  a 
friend." 

IOA 


CHAPTER   XVIL 

PHE  moment  Tracy  was  alone  his  spirits  vanished 
I  away,  and  all  the  misery  of  his  situation  was 
manifest  to  him.  To  be  moneyless  and  an  object  of 
the  chair-maker's  chanty  —  this  was  bad  enough;  but 
his  folly  in  proclaiming  himself  an  earl's  son  to  that 
scoffing  and  unbelieving  crew,  and,  on  top  of  that,  the 
humiliating  result  —  the  recollection  of  these  things 
was  a  sharper  torture  still.  He  made  up  his  mind  that 
he  would  never  play  earl's  son  again  before  a  doubtful 
audience. 

His  father's  answer  was  a  blow  he  could  not  under- 
stand. At  times  he  thought  his  father  imagined  he 
could  get  work  to  do  in  America  without  any  trouble, 
and  was  minded  to  let  him  try  it  and  cure  himself  of 
his  radicalism  by  hard,  cold,  disenchanting  experience. 
That  seemed  the  most  plausible  theory,  yet  he  could 
not  content  himself  with  it.  A  theory  that  pleased 
him  better  was  that  this  cablegram  would  be  followed 
by  another,  of  a  gentler  sort,  requiring  him  to  come 
home.  Should  he  write  and  strike  his  flag,  and  ask 
for  a  ticket  home?  Oh,  no;  that  he  couldn't  ever  do 
—  at  least,  not  yet.  That  cablegram  would  come,  it 
certainly  would.  So  he  went  from  one  telegraph 
office  to  another  every  day  for  nearly  a  week,  and 
asked  if  there  was  a  cablegram  for  Howard  Tracy. 
No,  there  wasn't  any.  So  they  answered  him  at  first. 
Later,  they  said  it  before  he  had  a  chance  to  ask. 

(142) 


The  American  Claimant  143 

Later  still  they  merely  shook  their  heads  impatiently 
as  soon  as  he  came  in  sight.  After  that  he  was 
ashamed  to  go  any  more. 

He  was  down  in  the  lowest  depths  of  despair  now, 
for  the  harder  Barrow  tried  to  find  work  for  him  the 
more  hopless  the  possibilities  seemed  to  grow.  At 
last  he  said  to  Barrow : 

*4  Look  here.  I  want  to  make  a  confession.  I  have 
got  down  now  to  where  I  am  not  only  willing  to  ac- 
knowledge to  myself  that  I  am  a  shabby  creature  and 
full  of  false  pride,  but  am  willing  to  acknowledge  it  to 
you.  Well,  I've  been  allowing  you  to  wear  yourself 
out  hunting  for  work  for  me  when  there's  been  a 
chance  open  to  me  all  the  time.  Forgive  my  pride  — 
what  was  left  of  it.  It  is  all  gone  now,  and  I've  come 
to  confess  that  if  those  ghastly  artists  want  another 
confederate  I'm  their  man  —  for  at  last  I  am  dead  to 
shame. " 

"No?     Really,  can  you  paint?" 

"  Not  as  badly  as  they.     No,  I  don't  claim  that,  for 

I  am   not  a  genius;   in  fact,   I  am  a  very  indifferent 
amateur,  a  slouchy  dabster,  a   mere  artistic  sarcasm; 
but  drunk  or  asleep  I  can  beat  those  buccaneers." 

"  Shake!  I  want  to  shout!  Oh,  I  tell  you,  I  am 
immensely  delighted  and  relieved.  Oh,  just  to  work  — 
that  is  life  !  No  matter  what  the  work  is  —  that' s  of 
no  consequenceo  Just  work  itself  is  bliss  when  a  man's 
been  starving  for  it.  I've  been  there!  Come  right 
along,  we'll  hunt  the  old  boys  up.  Don't  you  feel 
good?  I  tell  you  /do." 

The    freebooters    were    not   at   home.      But    their 

II  works  "  were  —  displayed  in  profusion  all  about  the 
little    ratty    studio.      Cannon    to    the    right   of    them, 
cannon  to  the  left  of  them,  cannon  in  front — it  was 
Balaklava  come  again. 

"  Here's  the  uncontented  hackman,  Tracy.     Buckle 


144  The  American  Claimant 

to  —  deepen  the  sea-green  to  turf,  turn  the  ship  into  a 
hearse.  Let  the  boys  have  a  taste  of  your  quality." 

The  artists  arrived  just  as  the  last  touch  was  put  on. 
They  stood  transfixed  with  admiration. 

11  My  souls  but  she's  a  stunner,  that  hearse!  The 
hackman  will  just  go  all  to  pieces  when  he  sees  that  — • 
won't  he,  Andy?" 

**  Oh,  it  is  sphlennid,  sphlennid  !  Herr  Tracy,  why 
haf  you  not  said  you  vas  a  so  sublime  aartist?  Lob' 
Gott,  of  you  had  lif'd  in  Paris  you  would  be  a  Free  de 
Rome,  dot's  vot's  de  matter!" 

The  arrangements  were  soon  made.  Tracy  was  taken 
into  full  and  equal  partnership,  and  he  went  straight  to 
work,  with  dash  and  energy,  to  reconstructing  gems  of 
art  whose  accessories  had  failed  to  satisfy.  Under  his 
hand,  on  that  and  succeeding  days,  artillery  disap- 
peared and  the  emblems  of  peace  and  commerce  took 
its  place  —  cats,  hacks,  sausages,  tugs,  fire  engines, 
pianos,  guitars,  rocks,  gardens,  flower  pots,  landscapes 
—  whatever  was  wanted,  he  flung  it  in;  and  the  more 
out  of  place  and  absurd  the  required  object  was,  the 
more  joy  he  got  out  of  fabricating  it.  The  pirates 
were  delighted,  the  customers  applauded,  the  sex  began 
to  flock  in,  great  was  the  prosperity  of  the  firm.  Tracy 
was  obliged  to  confess  to  himself  that  there  was  some- 
thing about  work  —  even  such  grotesque  and  humble 
work  as  this  —  which  most  pleasantly  satisfied  a 
something  in  his  nature  which  had  never  been  satisfied 
before,  and  also  gave  him  a  strange  new  dignity  in  his 
own  private  view  of  himself. 

The  Unqualified  Member  from  Cherokee  Strip  was 
in  a  state  of  deep  dejection.  For  a  good  while  now  he 
had  been  leading  a  sort  of  life  which  was  calculated  to 
kill ;  for  it  had  consisted  in  regularly  alternating  days 
of  brilliant  hope  and  black  disappointment.  The 


The  American  Claimant  145 

brilliant  hopes  were  created  by  the  magician  Sellers, 
and  they  always  promised  that  now  he  had  got  the 
trick  sure,  and  would  effectively  influence  that  material- 
ized cowboy  to  call  at  the  Towers  before  night.  The 
black  disappointments  consisted  in  the  persistent  and 
monotonous  failure  of  these  prophecies. 

At  the  date  which  this  history  has  now  reached, 
Sellers  was  appalled  to  find  that  the  usual  remedy  was 
inoperative,  and  that  Hawkins's  low  spirits  refused 
absolutely  to  lift.  Something  must  be  done,  he  re- 
flected ;  it  was  heart-breaking,  this  woe,  this  smileless 
misery,  this  dull  despair  that  looked  out  from  his  poor 
friend's  face.  Yes,  he  must  be  cheered  up.  He 
mused  a  while,  then  he  saw  his  way.  He  said,  in  his 
most  conspicuously  casual  vein : 

11  Er-uh  —  by  the  way,  Hawkins,  we  are  feeling  dis- 
appointed about  this  thing  —  the  way  the  materializee 
is  acting,  I  mean  —  we  are  disappointed ;  you  concede 
that?" 

"  Concede  it?     Why,  yes,  if  you  like  the  term." 

"  Very  well;  so  far,  so  good.  Now  for  the  basis  of 
the  feeling.  It  is  not  that  your  heart,  your  affections 
are  concerned ;  that  is  to  say,  it  is  not  that  you  want 
the  materializee  Itself.  You  concede  that?" 
*  Yes,  I  concede  that,  too  —  cordially." 
'Very  well,  again;  we  are  making  progress.  To 
sum  up:  The  feeling,  it  is  conceded,  is  not  engendered 
by  the  mere  conduct  of  the  materializee ;  it  is  conceded 
that  it  does  not  arise  from  any  pang  which  the  per- 
sonality of  the  materializee  could  assuage.  Now,  then," 
said  the  earl,  with  the  light  of  triumph  in  his  eye,  "  the 
inexorable  logic  of  the  situation  narrows  us  down  to 
this :  our  feeling  has  its  source  in  the  money-loss  in- 
volved. Come  —  isn't  that  so  ?' ' 

"  Goodness   knows   I    concede    that,    with   all    my 
heart." 
10*** 


146  The  American  Claimant 

*  Very  well.  When  you've  found  out  the  source  of 
a  disease,  you've  also  found  out  what  remedy  is  re- 
quired—  just  as  in  this  case.  In  this  case  money  is 
required.  And  only  money." 

The  old,  old  seduction  was  in  that  airy,  confident 
tone  and  those  significant  words  —  usually  called  preg- 
nant words  in  books.  The  old  answering  signs  of  faith 
and  hope  showed  up  in  Hawkins's  countenance,  and 
he  said : 

"  Only  money?  Do  you  mean  that  you  know  a  way 
to—" 

'  Washington,  have  you  the  impression  that  I  have 
no  resources  but  those  I  allow  the  public  and  my  inti- 
mate friends  to  know  about?" 
'  Well,  I  —  er  — " 

14  Is  it  likely !,  do  you  think,  that  a  man  moved  by 
nature  and  taught  by  experience  to  keep  his  affairs  to 
himself,  and  a  cautious  and  reluctant  tongue  in  his 
head,  wouldn't  be  thoughtful  enough  to  keep  a  few 
resources  in  reserve  for  a  rainy  day,  when  he's  got  as 
many  as  I  have  to  select  from?" 

"  Oh,  you  make  me  feel  so  much  better  already, 
Colonel!" 

"  Have  you  ever  been  in  my  laboratory?" 

11  Why  no." 

"  That's  it.  You  see,  you  didn't  even  know  that  I 
had  one.  Come  along.  I've  got  a  little  trick  there 
that  I  want  to  show  you.  I've  kept  it  perfectly  quiet, 
not  fifty  people  know  anything  about  it.  But  that's 
my  way,  always  been  my  way.  Wait  till  you're  ready, 
that's  the  idea;  and  when  you're  ready,  zzip! —  let 
her  go!" 

"  Well,  Colonel,  I've  never  seen  a  man  that  I've  had 
such  unbounded  confidence  in  as  you.  When  you  say 
a  thing  right  out,  I  always  feel  as  if  that  ends  it;  as  if 
that  is  evidence,  and  proof,  and  everything  else." 


The  American  Claimant  147 

The  old  earl  was  profoundly  pleased  and  touched. 

"I'm  glad  you  believe  in  me,  Washington;  not 
everybody  is  so  just." 

*  *  I  always  have  believed  in  you ;  and  I  always  shall 
as  long  as  I  live." 

"  Thank  you,  my  boy.  You  sha'n't  repent  it.  And 
you  can't."  Arrived  in  the  "  laboratory,"  the  earl 
continued,  "  Now,  cast  your  eye  around  this  room  — 
what  do  you  see?  Apparently  a  junk-shop;  apparently 
a  hospital  connected  with  a  patent  office  —  in  reality, 
the  mines  of  Golconda  in  disguise !  Look  at  that  thing 
there.  Now  what  would  you  take  that  thing  to  be?" 

"  I  don't  believe  I  could  ever  imagine." 

*'  Of  course  you  couldn't.  It's  my  grand  adapta- 
tion of  the  phonograph  to  the  marine  service.  You 
store  up  profanity  in  it  for  use  at  sea.  You  know  that 
sailors  don't  fly  around  worth  a  cent  unless  you  swear 
at  them  —  so  the  mate  that  can  do  the  best  job  of 
swearing  is  the  most  valuable  man.  In  great  emer- 
gencies his  talent  saves  the  ship.  But  a  ship  is  a  large 
thing,  and  he  can't  be  everywhere  at  once;  so  there 
have  been  times  when  one  mate  has  lost  a  ship  which 
could  have  been  saved  if  they  had  had  a  hundred. 
Prodigious  storms,  you  know.  Well,  a  ship  can't 
afford  a  hundred  mates ;  but  she  can  afford  a  hundred 
Cursing  Phonographs,  and  distribute  them  all  over  the 
vessel  —  and  there,  you  see,  she's  armed  at  every 
point.  Imagine  a  big  storm,  and  a  hundred  of  my 
machines  all  cursing  away  at  once  —  splendid  spec- 
tacle, splendid !  —  you  couldn't  hear  yourself  think. 
Ship  goes  through  that  storm  perfectly  serene  —  she's 
just  as  safe  as  she'd  be  on  shore." 

"  It's  a  wonderful  idea.  How  do  you  prepare  the 
thing?" 

"  Load  it  —  simply  load  it." 

"How?" 


148  The  American  Claimant 

'  Why,  you  just  stand  over  it  and  swear  into  it." 

"  That  loads  it,  does  it?" 

*  Yes ;  because  every  word  it  collars  it  keeps  —  keeps 
it  forever.  Never  wears  out.  Any  time  you  turn  the 
crank,  out  it'll  come.  In  times  of  great  peril  you  can 
reverse  it,  and  it'll  swear  backwards.  That  makes  a 
sailor  hump  himself!" 

"  Oh,  I  see.  Who  loads* them?  —  the  mate?" 
1  Yes,  if  he  chooses.  Or  I'll  furnish  them  already 
loaded.  I  can  hire  an  expert  for  $75  a  month  who 
will  load  a  hundred  and  fifty  phonographs  in  one  hun- 
dred and  fifty  hours,  and  do  it  easy.  And  an  expert 
can  furnish  a  stronger  article,  of  course,  than  the  mere 
average  uncultivated  mate  could.  Then,  you  see,  all 
the  ships  of  the  world  will  buy  them  ready  loaded  — 
for  I  shall  have  them  loaded  in  any  language  a  customer 
wants.  Hawkins,  it  will  work  the  grandest  moral  re- 
form of  the  nineteenth  century.  Five  years  from  now 
all  the  swearing  will  be  done  by  machinery  —  you 
won't  ever  hear  a  profane  word  come  from  human  lips 
on  a  ship.  Millions  of  dollars  have  been  spent  by  the 
churches  in  the  effort  to  abolish  profanity  in  the  com- 
mercial marine.  Think  of  it  —  my  name  will  live  for- 
ever in  the  affections  of  good  men  as  the  man  who, 
solitary  and  alone,  accomplished  this  noble  and  ele- 
vating reform." 

**  Oh,  it  is  grand  and  beneficent  and  beautiful. 
How  did  you  ever  come  to  think  of  it?  You  have  a 
wonderful  mind.  How  did  you  say  you  loaded  the 
machine?" 

"Oh,  it's  no  trouble  —  perfectly  simple.  If  you 
want  to  load  it  up  loud  and  strong,  you  stand  right 
over  it  and  shout.  But  if  you  leave  it  open  and  all 
set,  it'll  eavesdrop,  so  to  speak  —  that  is  to  say,  it  will 
load  itself  up  with  any  sounds  that  are  made  within  six 
feet  of  it.  Now  I'll  show  you  how  it  works.  I  had 


The  American  Claimant  149 

an  expert  come  and  load  this  one  up  yesterday. 
Hello,  it's  been  left  open  —  it's  too  bad  —  still  I 
reckon  it  hasn't  had  much  chance  to  collect  irrelevant 
stuff.  All  you  do  is  to  press  this  button  in  the  floor  — 
so." 

The  phonograph  began  to  sing  in  a  plaintive  voice : 

There  is  a  boarding-house,  far  far  away, 

Where  they  have  ham  and  eggs,  three  times  a  day. 

"  Hang  it,  that  ain't  it.  Somebody's  been  singing 
around  here." 

The  plaintive  song  began  again,  mingled  with  a  low, 
gradually  rising  wail  of  cats  slowly  warming  up  towards 
a  fight : 

O,  how  the  boarders  yell, 

When  they  hear  that  dinner-bell  — 

They  give  that  landlord 

(momentary  outburst  of  terrific  cat-fight  which  drowns 
out  one  word) 

Three  times  a  day. 

(Renewal  of  furious  cat-fight  for  a  moment.  The 
plaintive  voice  on  a  high  fierce  key,  "  Scat,  you 
devils !"  and  a  racket  as  of  flying  missiles.) 

"  Well,  never  mind  —  let  it  go.  I've  got  some  sailor 
profanity  down  in  there  somewhere,  if  I  could  get  to 
it.  But  it  isn't  any  matter;  you  see  how  the  machine 
works." 

Hawkins  responded,  with  enthusiasm: 

"  Oh,  it  works  admirably!  I  know  there's  a  hun- 
dred fortunes  in  it." 

"And  mind,  the  Hawkins  family  get  their  share, 
Washington." 

14  Oh,  thanks,  thanks;  you  are  just  as  generous  as 
ever.     Ah,  it's  the  grandest  invention  of  the  age !" 
Ah,  well,  we  live  in  wonderful  times.     The  ele- 


< « 


150  The  American  Claimant 

ments  are  crowded  /////  of  beneficent  forces  —  always 
have  been  —  and  ours  is  the  first  generation  to  turn 
them  to  account  and  make  them  work  for  u£  Why, 
Hawkins,  everything  is  useful  —  nothing  ought  ever  to 
be  wasted.  Now  look  at  sewer-gas,  for  instance. 
Sewer-gas  has  always  been  wasted  heretofore ;  nobody 
tried  to  save  up  sewer-gas  —  you  can't  name  me  a 
man.  Ain't  that  so?  You  know  perfectly  well  it's  so." 

"  Yes,  it  is  so  —  but  I  never — er — I  don't  quite 
see  why  a  body  — ' ' 

"Should  want  to  save  it  up?  Well,  I'll  tell  you. 
Do  you  see  this  little  invention  here?  —  it's  a  decom- 
poser —  I  call  it  a  decomposer.  I  give  you  my  word 
of  honor  that  if  you  show  me  a  house  that  produces  a 
given  quantity  of  sewer-gas  in  a  day,  I'll  engage  to  set 
up  my  decomposer  there  and  make  that  house  produce 
a  hundred  times  that  quantity  of  sewer-gas  in  less  than 
half  an  hour." 

"  Dear  me,  but  why  should  you  want  to?" 

'*  Want  to?  Listen,  and  you'll  see.  My  boy,  for 
illuminating  purposes  and  economy  combined,  there's 
nothing  in  the  world  that  begins  with  sewer-gas.  And 
really  it  don't  cost  a  cent.  You  put  in  a  good  inferior 
article  of  plumbing  —  such  as  you  find  everywhere  — 
and  add  my  decomposer,  and  there  you  are.  Just  use 
the  ordinary  gas-pipes  —  and  there  your  expense  ends. 
Think  of  it.  Why,  Major,  in  five  years  from  now  you 
won't  see  a  house  lighted  with  anything  but  sewer-gas. 
Every  physician  I  talk  to  recommends  it,  and  every 
plumber." 

"  But  isn't  it  dangerous?" 

"  Oh,  yes,  more  or  less,  but  everything  is  —  coal- 
gas,  candles,  electricity  —  there  isn't  anything  that 
ain't." 

"  It  lights  up  well,  does  it?" 

"  Oh,  magnificently." 


The  American  Claimant  .     151 

11  Have  you  given  it  a  good  trial?" 

"  Well,  no,  not  a  first-rate  one.  Polly's  prejudiced, 
and  she  won't  let  me  put  it  in  here;  but  I'm  playing 
my  cards  to  get  it  adopted  in  the  President's  house, 
and  then  it'll  go  —  don't  you  doubt  it.  I  shall  not 
need  this  one  for  the  present,  Washington;  you  may 
take  it  down  to  some  boarding-house  and  give  it  a  trial 
if  you  like.'1 


CHAPTER   XVIII. 

WASHINGTON  shuddered   slightly  at  the  sugges 
tion ;  then  his  face  took  on  a  dreamy  look  and 
he  dropped   into  a  trance  of  thought.     After  a  little 
Sellers  asked  him  what  he  was  grinding   in  his  mental 
mill. 

44  Well,  this.  Have  you  got  some  secret  project  in 
your  head  which  requires  a  Bank  of  England  back  of 
it  to  make  it  succeed?" 

The  Colonel  showed  lively  astonishment,  and  said : 
41  Why,  Hawkins,  are  you  a  mind-reader?" 
"I?     I  never  thought  of  such  a  thing." 
44  Well,  then,  how  did  you   happen  to  drop  on  to 
that   idea   in    this    curious     fashion?     It's   just   mind- 
reading —  that's  what  it  is,  though  you  may  not  know 
it.     Because  I  have  got  a  private  project  that  requires 
a  Bank  of  England  at  its  back.     How  could  you  divine 
that?     What  was  the  process?     This  is  interesting." 

44  There  wasn't  any  process.  A  thought  like  this 
happened  to  slip  through  my  head  by  accident :  How 
much  would  make  you  or  me  comfortable?  A  hun 
dred  thousand.  Yet  you  are  expecting  two  or  three 
of  these  inventions  of  yours  to  turn  out  some  billions  of 
money  —  and  you  are  wanting  them  to  do  that.  If 
you  wanted  ten  millions,  I  could  understand  that  —  it's 
inside  the  human  limits.  But  billions !  That's  clear 
outside  the  limits.  There  must  be  a  definite  project 
back  of  that  somewhere." 

(152) 


The  American  Claimant  153 

The  earl's  interest  and  surprise  augmented  with 
every  word,  and  when  Hawkins  finished  he  said,  with 
strong  admiration : 

'*  It's  wonderfully  reasoned  out,  Washington,  it  cer- 
tainly is.  It  shows  what  I  think  is  quite  extraordinary 
penetration.  For  you've  hit  it;  you've  driven  the 
center,  you've  plugged  the  bull's-eye  of  my  dream. 
Now  I'll  tell  you  the  whole  thing,  and  you'll  under- 
stand it.  I  don't  need  to  ask  you  to  keep  it  to  your- 
self, because  you'll  see  that  the  project  will  prosper  all 
the  better  for  being  kept  in  the  background  till  the 
right  time.  Have  you  noticed  how  many  pamphlets 
and  books  I've  got  lying  around  relating  to  Russia?" 

"Yes,  I  think  most  anybody  would  notice  that  — 
anybody  who  wasn't  dead." 

44  Well,  I've  been  posting  myself  a  good  while. 
That's  a  great  and  splendid  nation,  and  deserves  to  be 
set  free."  He  paused;  then  added,  in  a  quite  matter- 
of-fact  way,  4I  When  I  get  this  money  I'm  going  to  set 
it  free." 

14  Great  guns!" 
4  Why,  what  makes  you  jump  like  that?" 

44  Dear  me,  when  you  are  going  to  drop  a  remark 
under  a  man's  chair  that  is  likely  to  blow  him  out 
through  the  roof,  why  don't  you  put  some  expression, 
some  force,  some  noise  into  it  that  will  prepare  him? 
You  shouldn't  flip  out  such  a  gigantic  thing  as  this  in 
that  colorless  kind  of  a  way.  You  do  jolt  a  person  up 
so.  Go  on  now,  I'm  all  right  again.  Tell  me  all  about 
it.  I'm  all  interest  —  yes,  and  sympathy,  too." 

4  Well,  I've  looked  the  ground  over,  and  concluded 
that  the  methods  of  the  Russian  patriots,  while  good 
enough  considering  the  way  the  boys  are  hampered, 
are  not  the  best — at  least,  not  the  quickest.  They 
are  trying  to  revolutionize  Russia  from  within  ;  that's 
pretty  slow,  you  know,  and  liable  to  interruption  all 


154  The  American  Claimant 

the  time,  and  is  full  of  perils  for  the  workers.  Do  you 
know  how  Peter  the  Great  started  his  army?  He  didn't 
start  it  on  the  family  premises  under  the  noses  of  the 
Strelitzes;  no,  he  started  it  away  off  yonder,  privately 
—  only  just  one  regiment,  you  know,  and  he  built  to 
that.  The  first  thing  the  Strelitzes  knew,  the  regiment 
was  an  armyy  their  position  was  turned,  and  they  had 
to  take  a  walk.  Just  that  little  idea  made  the  biggest 
and  worst  of  all  the  despotisms  the  world  has  seen. 
The  same  idea  can  unmake  it.  I'm  going  to  prove  it. 
I'm  going  to  get  out  to  one  side  and  work  my  scheme 
the  way  Peter  did." 

"  This  is  mighty  interesting,  Rossmore.  What  is  it 
you  are  going  to  do?" 

"  I  am  going  to  buy  Siberia  and  start  a  republic." 

*  There  —  bang  you  go  again  without  giving  any 
notice  !  Going  to  buy  it?" 

"  Yes,  as  soon  as  I  get  the  money.  I  don't  care 
what  the  price  is,  I  shall  take  it.  I  can  afford  it,  and  I 
will.  Now,  then,  consider  this  —  and  you've  never 
thought  of  it,  I'll  warrant.  Where  is  the  place  where 
there  is  twenty-five  times  more  manhood,  pluck,  true 
heroism,  unselfishness,  devotion  to  high  and  noble 
ideals,  adoration  of  liberty,  wide  education,  and  brains, 
per  thousand  of  population,  than  any  other  domain  in 
the  whole  world  can  show?" 

"Siberia!" 

'  Right." 

*'  It  is  true;  it  certainly  is  true,  but  I  never  thought 
of  it  before." 

"  Nobody  ever  thinks  of  it.  But  it's  so,  just  the 
same.  In  those  mines  and  prisons  are  gathered  to- 
gether  the  very  finest  and  noblest  and  capablest  multi- 
tude of  human  beings  that  God  is  able  to  create.  Now 
if  you  had  that  kind  of  a  population  to 'sell,  would  you 
offer  it  to  a  despotism?  No,  the  despotism  has  no  use 


The  American  Claimant  155 

for  it;  you  would  lose  money.  A  despotism  has  no 
use  for  anything  but  human  cattle.  But  suppose  you 
want  to  start  a  republic?" 

11  Yes,  I  see.  It's  just  the  material  for  it.'1 
"  Well,  I  should  say  so !  There's  Siberia,  with  just 
the  very  finest  and  choicest  material  on  the  globe  for  a 
republic,  and  more  coming  —  more  coming  all  the 
time,  don't  you  see!  It  is  being  daily,  weekly, 
monthly  recruited  by  the  most  perfectly  devised  sys- 
tem that  has  ever  been  invented  perhaps.  By  this 
system  the  whole  of  the  hundred  millions  of  Russia 
are  being  constantly  and  patiently  sifted,  sifted,  sifted 
by  myriads  of  trained  experts,  spies  appointed  by  the 
emperor  personally ;  and  whenever  they  catch  a  man, 
woman,  or  child  that  has  got  any  brains  or  education  or 
character  they  ship  that  person  straight  to  Siberia.  It 
is  admirable,  it  is  wonderful.  It  is  so  searching  and 
so  effective  that  it  keeps  the  general  level  of  Russian 
intellect  and  education  down  to  that  of  the  Czar." 
"  Come,  that  sounds  like  exaggeration." 
*  Well,  it's  what  they  say  anyway.  But  I  think, 
myself,  it's  a  lie.  And  it  doesn't  seem  right  to  slander 
a  whole  nation  that  way,  anyhow,  Now,  then,  you 
see  what  the  material  is,  there  in  Siberia,  for  a  repub- 
lic." He  paused,  anJ  his  breast  began  to  heave  and 
his  eye  to  burn  under  the  impulse  of  strong  emotion. 
Then  his  words  began  to  stream  forth  with  constantly 
increasing  energy  and  fire,  and  he  rose  to  his  feet  as 
if  to  give  himself  larger  freedom.  "  The  minute  I 
organize  that  republic,  the  light  of  liberty,  intelligence, 
justice,  humanity,  bursting  from  it,  flooding  from  it, 
flaming  from  it,  will  concentrate  the  gaze  of  the  whole 
astonished  world  as  upon  the  miracle  of  a  new  sun ; 
Russia's  countless  multitudes  of  slaves  will  rise  up  and 
march,  march!  —  eastward,  with  that  great  light  trans- 
figuring their  faces  as  they  come,  and  far  back  of  them 


156  The  American  Claimant 

you  will  see  —  what  will  you  see  ?  —  a  vacant  throne  in 
an  empty  land !  It  can  be  done,  and  by  God  I  will  do 
it!" 

He  stood  a  moment  bereft  of  earthly  consciousness 
by  his  exaltation;  then  consciousness  returned,  bring- 
ing him  a  slight  shock,  and  he  said,  with  grave  earnest- 
ness: 

"  I  must  ask  you  to  pardon  me,  Major  Hawkins.  I 
have  never  used  that  expression  before,  and  I  beg  you 
will  forgive  it  this  time." 

Hawkins  was  quite  willing. 

*  You  see,  Washington,  it  is  an  error  which  I  am 
by  nature  not  liable  to.  Only  excitable  people,  im- 
pulsive people,  are  exposed  to  it.  But  the  circum- 
stances of  the  present  case  —  I  being  a  democrat  by 
birth  and  preference,  and  an  aristocrat  by  inheritance 
and  relish — " 

The  earl  stopped  suddenly,  his  frame  stiffened,  and 
he  began  to  stare  speechless  through  the  curtainless 
window.  Then  he  pointed,  and  gasped  out  a  single 
rapturous  word : 

"Look!" 

"What  wit,  Colonel  ?" 

"///" 

"No!" 

"  Sure  as  you're  born.  Keep  perfectly  still.  I'll 
apply  the  influence  —  I'll  turn  on  all  my  force.  I've 
brought  It  thus  far — •  I'll  fetch  It  right  into  the  house. 
You'll  see." 

He  was  making  all  sorts  of  passes  in  the  air  with  his 
hands. 

"There!  Look  at  that.  I've  made  It  smile! 
See?" 

Quite  true.  Tracy,  out  for  an  afternoon  stroll,  had 
come  unexpectantly  upon  his  family  arms  displayed 
upon  this  shabby  house-front.  The  hatchments  made 


The  American  Claimant  157 

him   smile ;    which   was   nothing,    they   had    made    the 
neighborhood  cats  do  that. 

"  Look,  Hawkins,  look!     I'm  drawing  It  over!'' 

"  You're  drawing  It  sure,  Rossmore.  If  I  ever  had 
any  doubts  about  materialization,  they're  gone  now, 
and  gone  for  good.  Oh,  this  is  a  joyful  day!" 

Tracy  was  sauntering  over  to  read  the  doorplate. 
Before  he  was  half-way  over  he  was  saying  to  himself v 
"  Why,  manifestly  these  are  the  American  Claimant's 
quarters." 

"  It's  coming  —  coming  right  along.  I'll  slide  down 
and  pull  It  in.  You  follow  after  me." 

Sellers,  pale  and  a  good  deal  agitated,  opened  the 
door  and  confronted  Tracy.  The  old  man  could  not 
at  once  get  his  voice ;  then  he  pumped  out  a  scattering 
and  hardly  coherent  salutation,  and  followed  it  with: 

11  Walk  in,  walk  right  in,  Mr. —  er — " 
*  Tracy  —  Howard  Tracy. ' ' 

— "Tracy  —  thanks — -walk  right  in,  you're  ex- 
pected." 

Tracy  entered,  considerably  puzzled,  and  said: 

11  Expected?     I  think  there  must  be  some  mistake." 

11  Oh,  I  judge  not,"  said  Sellers,  who  noticing  that 
Hawkins  had  arrived,  gave  him  a  sidewise  glance  in- 
tended to  call  his  close  attention  to  a  dramatic  effect 
which  he  was  proposing  to  produce  by  his  next  remark. 
Then  he  said,  slowly  and  impressively:  "  I  am —  You 
Know  Who." 

To  the  astonishment  of  both  conspirators  the  remark 
produced  no  dramatic  effect  at  all ;  for  the  new-comer 
responded,  with  a  quite  innocent  and  unembarrassed 
air: 

14  No,  pardon  me.  I  don't  know  who  you  are.  I 
only  suppose  —  but  no  doubt  correctly  —  that  you  are 
the  gentleman  whose  title  is  on  the  doorplate." 

44  Right,    quite   right — sit  down,   pray  sit  down." 


158  The  American  Claimant 

The  earl  was  rattled,  thrown  off  his  bearings,  his  head 
was  in  a  whirl.  Then  he  noticed  Hawkins  standing 
apart  and  staring  idiotically  at  what  to  him  was  the 
apparition  of  a  defunct  man,  and  a  new  idea  was  born 
to  him.  He  said  to  Tracy,  briskly: 

"  But  a  thousand  pardons,  dear  sir,  I  am  forgetting 
courtesies  due  to  a  guest  and  stranger.  Let  me  in- 
troduce my  friend  General  Hawkins  —  General  Hawk- 
ins, our  new  Senator  —  Senator  from  the  latest  and 
grandest  addition  to  the  radiant  galaxy  of  sovereign 
States,  Cherokee  Strip" — (to  himself,  "that  name 
will  shrivel  him  up!" — but  it  didn't  in  the  least, 
and  the  Colonel  resumed  the  introduction  piteously 
disheartened  and  amazed) — "Senator  Hawkins,  Mr. 
Howard  Tracy,  of  —  er — " 

"England." 

14  England  !  —  Why,  that's  im  —  ' 

"  England,  yes,  native  of  England." 

"  Recently  from  there?" 

"  Yes,  quite  recently." 

Said  the  Colonel  to  himself,  "  This  phantom  lies  like 
an  expert.  Purifying  this  kind  by  fire  don't  work.  I'll 
sound  him  a  little  further,  give  him  another  chance  or 
two  to  work  his  gift."  Then  aloud,  with  deep  irony: 

"  Visiting  our  great  country  for  recreation  and 
amusement,  no  doubt.  I  suppose  you  find  that  travel- 
ing in  the  majestic  expanses  of  our  Far  West  is  — ' ' 

"  I  haven't  been  West,  and  haven't  been  devoting 
myself  to  amusement  with  any  sort  of  exclusiveness,  I 
assure  you.  In  fact,  to  merely  live,  an  artist  has  got 
to  work,  not  play." 

"  Artist!"  said  Hawkins  to  himself,  thinking  of  the 
rifled  bank ;  *  *  that  is  a  name  for  it ! " 

"Are  you  an  artist?"  asked  the  Colonel.  And 
added  to  himself,  "  Now  I'm  going  to  catch  him." 

"  In  a  humble  way,  yes." 


The  American  Claimant  159 

"  What  line?"   pursued  the  sly  veteran. 

<4  Oils." 

"I've  got  him!"  said  Sellers  to  himself.  Then 
aloud,  "  This  is  fortunate.  Could  I  engage  you  to 
restore  some  of  my  paintings  that  need  that  attention?" 

11  I  shall  be  very  glad.      Pray  let  me  see  them." 

No  shuffling,  no  evasion,  no  embarrassment,  even 
under  this  crucial  test.  The  Colonel  was  nonplussed. 
He  led  Tracy  to  a  chromo  which  had  suffered  damage 
in  a  former  owner's  hands  through  being  used  as  a 
lamp-mat,  and  said,  with  a  flourish  of  his  hand  toward 
the  picture : 

4 'This  del  Sarto  — " 

"  Is  that*  del  Sarto?" 

The  Colonel  bent  a  look  of  reproach  upon  Tracy, 
allowed  it  to  sink  home,  then  resumed  as  if  there  had 
been  no  interruption : 

"  This  del  Sarto  is  perhaps  the  only  original  of  that 
sublime  master  in  our  country.  You  see,  yourself, 
that  the  work  is  of  such  exceeding  delicacy  that  the 
risk  —  could  —  er  —  would  you  mind  giving  me  a  little 
example  of  what  you  can  do  before  we  — ' ' 

11  Cheerfully,  cheerfully.  I  will  copy  one  of  these 
marvels." 

Water-color  materials  —  relics  of  Miss  Sally's  college 
life  —  were  brought.  Tracy  said  he  was  better  in  oils, 
but  would  take  a  chance  with  these.  So  he  was  left 
alone.  He  began  his  work,  but  the  attractions  of  the 
place  were  too  strong  for  him,  and  he  got  up  and  went 
drifting  about,  fascinated;  also  amazed. 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

MEANTIME  the  earl  and  Hawkins  were  holding  a 
troubled  and  anxious  private  consultation.  The 
earl  said : 

44  The  mystery  that  bothers  me  is,  Where  did  It  get 
its  other  arm?" 

*4Yes;  it  worries  me,  too.  And  another  thing 
troubles  me  —  the  apparition  is  English.  How  do  you 
account  for  that,  Colonel?" 

"  Honestly,  I  don't  know,  Hawkins,  I  don't  really 
know.  It  i«  very  confusing  and  awful." 

44  Don't  you  think  maybe  we've  waked  up  the  wrong 
one?" 

"  The  wrong  one?  How  do  you  account  for  the 
clothes?" 

"  The  clothes  are  right,  there's  no  getting  around  it. 
What  are  we  going  to  do?  We  can't  collect,  as  I  see. 
The  reward  is  for  a  one-armed  American.  This  is  a 
two-armed  Englishman." 

"Well,  it  may  be  that  that  is  not  objectionable. 
You  see,  it  isn't  less  than  is  called  for;  it  is  more,  and 
so—" 

But  he  saw  that  this  argument  was  weak,  and 
dropped  it.  The  friends  sat  brooding  over  their  per- 
plexities some  time  in  silence.  Finally  the  earl's  face 
began  to  glow  with  an  inspiration,  and  he  said,  im- 
pressively : 

"  Hawkins,  this  materialization  is  a  grander  and 

(160) 


The  American  Claimant  161 

nobler  science  than  we  have  dreamed  of.  V/e  have 
little  imagined  what  a  solemn  and  stupendous  thing  we 
have  done.  The  whole  secret  is  perfectly  clear  to  me 
now,  clear  as  day.  Every  man  is  made  up  of  heredities, 
long-descended  atoms  and  particles  of  his  ancestors. 
This  present  materialization  is  incomplete.  We  have 
only  brought  it  down  to  perhaps  the  beginning  of  this 
century." 

"What  do  you  mean,  Colonel?"  cried  Hawkins, 
filled  with  vague  alarms  by  the  old  man's  awe-compel- 
ling words  and  manner. 

44  This :   We've  materialized  this  burglar's  ancestor  !" 

"  Oh,  don't  —  don't  say  that.     It's  hideous." 

"But  it's  true,  Hawkins;  I  know  it.  Look  at  the 
facts.  This  apparition  is  distinctly  English  —  note 
that.  It  uses  good  grammar  —  note  that.  It  is  an 
artist  —  note  that.  It  has  the  manners  and  carriage 
of  a  gentleman  —  note  that.  Where's  your  cowboy? 
Answer  me  that." 

*'  Rossmore,  this  is  dreadful  —  it's  too  dreadful  to 
think  of!" 

44  Never  resurrected  a  rag  of  that  burglar  but  the 
clothes,  not  a  solitary  rag  of  him  but  the  clothes." 

11  Colonel,  do  you  really  mean — " 

The  Colonel  brought  his  fist  down  with  emphasis, 
and  said : 

14  I  mean  exactly  this:  This  materialization  was  im- 
mature, the  burglar  has  evaded  us;  this  is  nothing  but 
a  damned  ancestor!" 

He  rose  and  walked  the  floor  in  great  excitement. 
Hawkins  said,  plaintively: 

14  It's  a  bitter  disappointment  —  bitter." 

14  I  know  it.     I  know  it,  Senator;   I  feel  it  as  deeply 

as   anybody  could.     But   we've    got   to   submit  —  on 

moral  grounds.     I  need  money,  but  God  knows  I  am 

not  poor  enough  or  shabby  enough  to  be  an  accessory 

11»** 


162  The  American  Claimant 

to  the  punishing  of  a  man's  ancestor  for  crimes  com- 
mitted by  that  ancestor's  posterity." 

"But,  Colonel!"  implored  Hawkins,  "  stop  and 
think;  don't  be  rash;  you  know  it's  the  only  chance 
we've  got  to  get  the  money;  and,  besides,  the  Bible 
itself  says  posterity  to  the  fourth  generation  shall  be 
punished  for  the  sins  and  crimes  committed  by  ances- 
tors four  generations  back  that  hadn't  anything  to  do 
with  them ;  and  so  it's  only  fair  to  turn  the  rule  around 
and  make  it  work  both  ways." 

The  Colonel  was  struck  with  the  strong  logic  of  this 
position.  He  strode  up  and  down,  and  thought  it 
painfully  over.  Finally  he  said  : 

"  There's  reason  in  it;  yes,  there's  reason  in  it. 
And  so,  although  it  seems  a  piteous  thing  to  sweat  this 
poor  ancient  devil  for  a  burglary  he  hadn't  the  least 
hand  in,  still  if  duty  commands  I  suppose  we  must  give 
him  up  to  the  authorities." 

"/would,"  said  Hawkins,  cheered  and  relieved; 
"  I'd  give  him  up  if  he  was  a  thousand  ancestors  com- 
pacted into  one." 

"Lord  bless  me,  that's  just  what  he  is!"  said 
Sellers,  with  something  like  a  groan;  "it's  exactly 
what  he  is;  there's  a  contribution  in  him  from  ever> 
ancestor  he  ever  had.  In  him  there's  atoms  of  priests, 
soldiers,  crusaders,  poets,  and  sweet  and  gracious 
women  —  all  kinds  and  conditions  of  folk  who  trod 
this  earth  in  old,  old  centuries,  and  vanished  out  of  it 
ages  ago,  and  now  by  act  of  ours  they  are  summoned 
from  their  holy  peace  to  answer  for  gutting  a  one- 
horse  bank  away  out  on  the  borders  of  Cherokee  Strip, 
and  it's  just  a  howling  outrage !" 

"Oh,  don't  talk  like  that,  Colonel;  it  takes  the 
heart  all  out  of  me,  and  makes  me  ashamed  of  the  part 
I  am  proposing  to  • — " 

"Wait  — I've  got  it!" 


The  American  Claimant  163 

"  A  saving  hope?     Shout  it  out,  I  am  perishing.'* 

"  It's  perfectly  simple;  a  child  would  have  thought 
of  it.  He  is  all  right,  not  a  flaw  in  him,  as  far  as  I 
have  carried  the  work.  If  I've  been  able  to  bring  him 
as  far  as  the  beginning  of  this  century,  what's  to  stop 
me  now?  I'll  go  on  and  materialize  him  down  to 
date." 

"Land,  I  never  thought  of  that!"  said  Hawkins, 
all  ablaze  with  joy  again.  "  It's  the  very  thing.  What 
a  brain  you  have  got !  And  will  he  shed  the  super- 
fluous arm?" 

"  He  will." 

"  And  lose  his  English  accent?" 

"  It  will  wholly  disappear.  He  will  speak  Cherokee 
Strip  —  and  other  forms  of  profanity." 

"  Colonel,  maybe  he'll  confess!" 

"  Confess?     Merely  that  bank  robbery?" 

"  Merely?     Yes,  but  why  '  merely  '  ?" 

The  Colonel  said,  in  his  most  impressive  manner: 

"  Hawkins,  he  will  be  wholly  under  my  command. 
I  will  make  him  confess  every  crime  he  ever  committed. 
There  must  be  a  thousand.  Do  you  get  the  idea?" 

-Well  — not  quite." 

"  The  rewards  will  come  to  us." 

"  Prodigious  conception!  I  never  saw  such  a  head 
for  seeing  with  a  lightning  glance  all  the  outlying  rami- 
fications and  possibilities  of  a  central  idea." 

"It  is  nothing;  it  comes  natural  to  me.  When  his 
time  is  out  in  one  jail  he  goes  to  the  next  and  the  next, 
and  we  shall  have  nothing  to  do  but  collect  the  rewards 
as  he  goes  along.  It  is  a  perfectly  steady  income  as 
long  as  we  live,  Hawkins.  And  much  better  than 
other  kinds  of  investments,  because  he  is  indestruc- 
tible." 

"  It  looks  —  it  really  does  look  the  way  you  say;  it 
does,  indeed." 


164  The  American  Claimant 

"  Look?  —  why,  it  is.  It  will  not  be  denied  that  1 
have  had  a  pretty  wide  and  comprehensive  financial 
experience,  and  I  do  not  hesitate  to  say  that  I  consider 
this  one  of  the  most  valuable  properties  I  have  ever 
controlled." 

"  Do  you  really  think  so?" 

"  I  do,  indeed." 

"  Oh,  Colonel,  the  wasting  grind  and  grief  of 
poverty!  If  we  could  realize  immediately.  I  don't 
mean  sell  it  all,  but  sell  part  —  enough,  you  know, 
to—" 

"  See  how  you  tremble  with  excitement.  That 
comes  of  lack  of  experience.  My  boy,  when  you 
have  been  familiar  with  vast  operations  as  long  as  I 
have  you'll  be  different.  Look  at  me.  Is  my  eye 
dilated?  Do  you  notice  a  quiver  anywhere?  Feel  my 
pulse :  plunk  —  plunk  —  plunk  —  same  as  if  I  were 
asleep.  And  yet,  what  is  passing  through  my  calm, 
cold  mind?  A  procession  of  figures  which  would  make 
a  financial  novice  drunk  —  just  the  sight  of  them.  Now 
it  is  by  keeping  cool,  and  looking  at  a  thing  all  around, 
that  a  man  sees  what's  really  in  it,  and  saves  himself 
from  the  novice's  unfailing  mistake  —  the  one  you've 
just  suggested  —  eagerness  to  realize.  Listen  to  me. 
Your  idea  is  to  sell  a  part  of  him  for  ready  cash.  Now 
mine  is  —  guess." 

"  I  haven't  an  idea.     What  is  it?" 

"  Stock  him  —  of  course." 

"  Well,  I  should  never  have  thought  of  that." 

"  Because  you  are  not  a  financier.  Say  he  has 
committed  a  thousand  crimes.  Certainly  that's  a  low 
estimate.  By  the  look  of  him,  even  in  his  unfinished 
condition,  he  has  committed  all  of  a  million.  But  call 
it  only  a  thousand  to  be  perfectly  safe ;  five  thousand 
reward,  multiplied  by  a  thousand,  gives  us  a  dead  sure 
cash  basis  of  —  what?  Five  million  dollars  !" 


The  American  Claimant  165 

"  Wait  —  let  me  get  my  breath." 

"  And  the  property  indestructible.  Perpetually  fruit- 
ful —  perpetually ;  for  a  property  with  his  disposition 
will  go  on  committing  crimes  and  winning  rewards." 

"  You  daze  me,  you  make  my  head  whirl!" 

"  Let  it  whirl,  it  won't  do  it  any  harm.  Now  that 
matter  is  all  fixed  —  leave  it  alone.  I'll  get  up  the 
company  and  issue  the  stock,  all  in  good  time.  Just 
leave  it  in  my  hands.  I  judge  you  don't  doubt  my 
ability  to  work  it  up  for  all  it  is  worth." 

"  Indeed,  I  don't.      I  can  say  that  with  truth." 

"  All  right,  then.  That's  disposed  of.  Everything 
in  its  turn.  We  old  operators  go  by  order  and  system 
—  no  helter-skelter  business  with  us.  What's  the  next 
thing  on  the  docket?  The  carrying  on  of  the  materiali- 
zation —  the  bringing  it  down  to  date.  I  will  begin  on 
that  at  once.  I  think — " 

"  Look  here,  Rossmore.  You  didn't  lock  It  in.  A 
hundred  to  one  it  has  escaped  !" 

"  Calm  yourself  as  to  that;  don't  give  yourself  any 
uneasiness." 

"  But  why  shouldn't  it  escape?" 

"  Let  it,  if  it  wants  to?     What  of  it?" 

"Well,  /  should  consider  it  a  pretty  serious 
calamity." 

"  Why,  my  dear  boy,  once  in  my  power,  always  in 
my  power.  It  may  go  and  come  freely.  I  can  pro- 
duce it  here  whenever  I  want  it,  just  by  the  exercise  of 
my  will." 

"  Well,  I  am  truly  glad  to  hear  that,  I  do  assure 
you." 

"  Yes,  I  shall  give  it  all  the  painting  it  wants  to  do, 
and  we  and  the  family  will  make  it  as  comfortable  and 
contented  as  we  can.  No  occasion  to  restrain  its 
movements.  I  hope  to  persuade  it  to  remain  pretty 
quiet,  though,  because  a  materialization  which  is  iri  a, 


166  The  American  Claimant 

state  of  arrested  development  must  of  necessity  be 
pretty  soft  and  flabby  and  substanceless,  and  —  er  — 
by  the  way,  I  wonder  where  It  comes  from?" 

"  How?     What  do  you  mean?" 

The  earl  pointed  significantly  —  and  interrogatively 
—  toward  the  sky.  Hawkins  started  ;  then  settled  into 
deep  reflection ;  finally  shook  his  head  sorrowfully  and 
pointed  downward. 

"  What  makes  you  think  so,  Washington?" 

"  Well,  I  hardly  know,  but  really  you  can  see  your- 
self that  he  doesn't  seem  to  be  pining  for  his  last 
place." 

"  It's  well  thought!  Soundly  deduced.  We've 
done  that  Thing  a  favor.  But  I  believe  I  will  pump 
it  a  little,  in  a  quiet  way,  and  find  out  if  we  are  right." 

"  How  long  is  it  going  to  take  to  finish  him  off  and 
fetch  him  down  to  date,  Colonel?  " 

"  I  wish  I  knew,  but  I  don't.  I  am  clear  knocked 
out  by  this  new  detail  —  this  unforeseen  necessity  of 
working  a  subject  down  gradually  from  his  condition 
of  ancestor  to  his  ultimate  result  as  posterity.  But 
I'll  make  him  hump  himself,  anyway." 

"  Rossmore!" 

"Yes,  dear.  We're  in  the  laboratory.  Come  — 
Hawkins  is  here.  Mind  now,  Hawkins  —  he's  a  sound, 
living  human  being  to  all  the  family  —  don't  forget 
that.  Here  she  comes." 

'*  Keep  your  seats,  I'm  not  coming  in.  I  just 
wanted  to  ask,  who  is  it  that's  painting  down  there?" 

"  That?  Oh,  that's  a  young  artist;  young  English- 
man named  Tracy;  very  promising —  favorite  pupil  of 
Hans  Christian  Andersen  or  one  of  the  other  old 
masters  —  Andersen  I'm  pretty  sure  it  is;  he's  going 
to  half -sole  some  of  our  old  Italian  masterpieces. 
Been  talking  to  him?" 

"  Well,  only  a  word.     I  stumbled  right  in  on  him 


The  American  Claimant  167 

without  expecting  anybody  was  there.  I  tried  to  be 
polite  to  him;  offered  him  a  snack  "  (Sellers  delivered 
a  large  wink  to  Hawkins  from  behind  his  hand),  4I  but 
he  declined,  and  said  he  wasn't  hungry"  (another 
sarcastic  wink)  ;  "  so  I  brought  some  apples  "  (double 
wink),  "  and  he  ate  a  couple  of  — " 

"What!"  And  the  Colonel  sprang  some  yards 
toward  the  ceiling,  and  came  down  quaking  with 
astonishment. 

Lady  Rossmore  was  smitten  dumb  with  amazement. 
She  gazed  at  the  sheepish  relic  of  Cherokee  Strip,  then 
at  her  husband,  and  then  at  the  guest  again.  Finally 
she  said : 

"  What  is  the  matter  with  you,  Mulberry?" 

He  did  not  answer  immediately.  His  back  was 
turned ;  he  was  bending  over  his  chair,  feeling  the  seat 
of  it.  But  he  answered  next  moment,  and  said : 

"  Ah,  there  it  is;   it  was  a  tack." 

The  lady  contemplated  him  doubtfully  a  moment, 
then  said,  pretty  snappishly: 

11  All  that  for  a  tack!  Praise  goodness  it  wasn't  a 
shingle  nail,  it  would  have  landed  you  in  the  Milky 
Way.  I  do  hate  to  have  my  nerves  shook  up  so." 
And  she  turned  on  her  heel  and  went  her  way. 

As  soon  as  she  was  safely  out,  the  Colonel  said  in  a 
suppressed  voice: 

"  Come  —  we  must  see  for  ourselves,,  It  must  be  a 
mistake." 

They  hurried  softly  down  and  peeped  in.  Sellers 
whispered,  in  a  sort  of  despair: 

1 '  It  is  eating !  What  a  grisly  spectacle  !  Hawkins, 
it's  horrible  !  Take  me  away  —  I  can't  stand  it  " 

They  tottered  back  to  the  laboratory. 


CHAPTER   XX 

TRACY  made  slow  progress  with  his  work,  for  his 
mind  wandered  a 'good  deal.  Many  things  were 
puzzling  him.  Finally  a  light  burst  upon  him  all  of  a 
sudden  —  seemed  to,  at  any  rate — and  he  said  to 
himself,  "  I've  got  the  clew  at  last — this  man's  mind 
is  off  its  balance;  I  don't  know  how  much,  but  it's  oft 
a  point  or  two,  sure;  off  enough  to  explain  this  mess 
of  perplexities,  anyway.  These  dreadful  chromos  — 
which  he  takes  for  old  masters ;  these  villainous  por- 
traits —  which  to  his  frantic  mind  represent  Rossmores ; 
the  hatchments ;  the  pompous  name  of  this  ramshackle 
old  crib  —  Rossmore  Towers ;  and  that  odd  assertion 
of  his,  that  I  was  expected.  How  could  I  be  ex- 
pected? that  is,  Lord  Berkeley.  He  knows  by  the 
papers  that  that  person  was  burned  up  in  the  New 
Gadsby.  Why,  hang  it,  he  really  doesn't  know  whom 
he  was  expecting;  for  his  talk  showed  that  he  was  not 
expecting  an  Englishman,  or  yet  an  artist,  yet  I  answer 
his  requirements  notwithstanding.  He  seems  suffi- 
ciently satisfied  with  me.  Yes,  he  is  a  little  off;  in 
fact,  I  am  afraid  he  is  a  good  deal  off,  poor  old  gentle- 
man. But  he's  interesting — all  people  in  about  his 
condition  are,  I  suppose.  I  hope  he'll  like  my  work; 
I  would  like  to  come  everyday  and  study  him.  And 
when.  I  write  my  father  —  ah,  that  hurts!  I  mustn't 
get  on  that  subject;  it  isn't  good  for  my  spirits. 
Somebody  coming —  I  must  get  to  work.  It's  the  old 

(168) 


The  American  Claimant  169 

gentleman  again.  He  looks  bothered.  Maybe  my 
clothes  are  suspicious ;  and  they  are  —  for  an  artist. 
If  my  conscience  would  allow  me  to  make  a  change  — 
but  that  is  out  of  the  question.  I  wonder  what  he's 
making  those  passes  in  the  air  for  with  his  hands.  7 
seem  to  be  the  object  of  them.  Can  he  be  trying  to 
mesmerize  me?  I  don't  quite  like  it.  There's  some- 
thing uncanny  about  it." 

The  Colonel  muttered  to  himself,  4t  It  has  an  effect 
on  him,  I  can  see  it  myself.  That's  enough  for  one 
time,  I  reckon.  He's  not  very  solid  yet  I  suppose, 
and  I  might  disintegrate  him.  I'll  just  put  a  sly  ques- 
tion or  two  at  him  now,  and  see  if  I  can  find  out  what 
his  condition  is  and  where  he's  from." 

He  approached  and  said,  affably: 

"  Don't  let  me  disturb  you,  Mr.  Tracy;  I  only  want 
to  take  a  little  glimpse  of  your  work.  Ah,  that's  fine 
—  that's  very  fine,  indeed.  You  are  doing  it  elegantly. 
My  daughter  will  be  charmed  with  this.  May  I  sit 
down  by  you?" 

"  Oh,  do;   I  shall  be  glad." 

"  It  won't  disturb  you?  I  mean,  won't  dissipate 
your  inspirations?" 

Tracy  laughed  and  said  they  were  not  ethereal 
enough  to  be  very  easily  discommoded. 

The  Colonel  asked  a  number  of  cautious  and  well- 
considered  questions  —  questions  which  seemed  pretty 
odd  and  flighty  to  Tracy  —  but  the  answers  conveyed 
the  information  desired  apparently,  for  the  Colonel 
said  to  himself,  with  mixed  pride  and  gratification : 

44  It's  a  good  job  as  far  as  I've  got  with  it.  He's 
solid.  Solid,  and  going  to  last;  solid  as  the  real 
thing.  It's  wonderful  —  wonderful.  I  believe  I  could 
petrify  him." 

After  a  little  he  asked,  warily: 

44  Do  you  prefer  being  here,  or  —  c-r  there?" 


170  The  American  Claimant 

"  There?     Where?" 

' *  Why  —  er  —  where  you've  been  ?" 

Tracy's  thought  flew  to  his  boarding-house,  and  he 
answered  with  decision : 

"Oh,  here,  much!'1 

The  Colonel  was  startled,  and  said  to  himself, 
44  There's  no  uncertain  ring  about  that.  It  indicates 
where  he's  been  to,  poor  fellow.  Well,  I  am  satisfied 
now.  I'm  glad  I  got  him  out." 

He  sat  thinking  and  thinking,  and  watching  the 
brush  go.  At  length  he  said  to  himself,  "  Yes,  it 
certainly  seems  to  account  for  the  failure  of  my  en- 
deavors in  poor  Berkeley's  case.  He  went  in  the  other 
direction.  Well,  it's  all  right.  He's  better  off." 

Sally  Sellers  entered  from  the  street  now,  looking 
her  divinest,  and  the  artist  was  introduced  to  her.  It 
was  a  violent  case  of  mutual  love  at  first  sight,  though 
neither  party  was  entirely  aware  of  the  fact,  perhaps. 
The  Englishman  made  this  irrelevant  remark  to  him- 
self: "  Perhaps  he  is  not  insane,  after  all."  Sally  sat 
down  and  showed  an  interest  in  Tracy's  work  which 
greatly  pleased  him,  and  a  benevolent  forgiveness  of  it 
which  convinced  him  that  the  girl's  nature  was  cast  in 
a  large  mould.  Sellers  was  anxious  to  report  his  dis- 
coveries to  Hawkins ;  so  he  took  his  leave,  saying  that 
if  the  two  "young  devotees  of  the  colored  Muse" 
thought  they  could  manage  without  him,  he  would  go 
and  look  after  his  affairs.  The  artist  said  to  himself, 
"  I  think  he  is  a  little  eccentric,  perhaps,  but  that  is 
all."  He  reproached  himself  for  having  injuriously 
judged  a  man  without  giving  him  any  fair  chance  to 
show  what  he  really  was. 

Of  course  the  stranger  was  very  soon  at  his  ease  and 
chatting  along  comfortably.  The  average  American 
girl  possesses  the  valuable  qualities  of  naturalness, 
honesty,  and  inoffensive  straightforwardness;  she  is 


The  American  Claimant  171 

nearly  barren  of  troublesome  conventions  and  artificial- 
ities;  consequently,  her  presence  and  her  ways  are 
unembarrassing,  and  one  is  acquainted  with  her  and  on 
the  pleasantest  terms  with  her  before  he  knows  how  it 
came  about.  This  new  acquaintanceship  —  friendship, 
indeed  —  progressed  swiftly ;  and  the  unusual  swiftness 
of  it  and  the  thoroughness  of  it  are  sufficiently  evi- 
denced and  established  by  one  noteworthy  fact  —  that 
within  the  first  half  hour  both  parties  had  ceased  to  be 
conscious  of  Tracy's  clothes.  Later  this  consciousness 
was  reawakened ;  it  was  then  apparent  to  Gwendolen 
that  she  was  almost  reconciled  to  them,  and  it  was  ap- 
parent to  Tracy  that  he  wasn't.  The  reawakening  was 
brought  about  by  Gwendolen's  inviting  the  artist  to 
stay  to  dinner.  He  had  to  decline  because  he  wanted 
to  live  now  —  that  is,  now  that  there  was  something  to 
live  for  —  and  he  could  not  survive  in  those  clothes  at 
a  gentleman's  table.  He  thought  he  knew  that.  But 
he  went  away  happy,  for  he  saw  that  Gwendolen  was 
disappointed. 

And  whither  did  he  go?  He  went  straight  to  a 
slop-shop  and  bought  as  neat  and  reasonably  well-fitting 
a  suit  of  clothes  as  an  Englishman  could  be  persuaded 
to  wear.  He  said  —  to  himself,  but  at  his  conscience  — 
"  I  know  it's  wrong;  but  it  would  be  wrong  not  to  do 
it ;  and  two  wrongs  do  not  make  a  right. ' ' 

This  satisfied  him,  and  made  his  heart  light.  Per- 
haps it  will  also  satisfy  the  reader  —  if  he  can  make 
out  what  it  means. 

The  old  people  were  troubled  about  Gwendolen  at 
dinner,  because  she  was  so  distraught  and  silent.  If 
they  had  noticed,  they  would  have  found  that  she  was 
sufficiently  alert  and  interested  whenever  the  talk 
stumbled  upon  the  artist  and  his  work;  but  they 
didn't  notice,  and  so  the  chat  would  swap  around  to 
some  other  subject,  and  then  somebody  would  pres- 


172  The  American  Claimant 

ently  be  privately  worrying  about  Gwendolen  again, 
and  wondering  if  she  were  not  well,  or  if  something 
had  gone  wrong  in  the  millinery  line.  Her  mother 
offered  her  various  reputable  patent  medicines  and  tonics 
with  iron  and  other  hardware  in  them,  and  her  father 
even  proposed  to  send  out  for  wine,  relentless  prohibit 
tionist  and  head  of  the  order  in  the  District  of  Columbia 
as  he  was,  but  these  kindnesses  were  all  declined  — 
thankfully,  but  with  decision.  At  bedtime,  when  the 
family  were  breaking  up  for  the  night,  she  privately 
looted  one  of  the  brushes,  saying  to  herself,  '*  It's  the 
one  he  has  used  the  most." 

The  next  morning  Tracy  went  forth  wearing  his  new 
suit,  and  equipped  with  a  pink  in  his  button-hole  —  a 
daily  attention  from  Puss.  His  whole  soul  was  full  of 
Gwendolen  Sellers,  and  this  condition  was  an  inspira- 
tion, art-wise.  All  the  morning  his  brush  pawed  nimbly 
away  at  the  canvases,  almost  without  his  awarity  — 
awarity,  in  this  sense,  being  the  sense  of  being  aware, 
though  disputed  by  some  authorities  —  turning  out 
marvel  upon  marvel,  in  the  way  of  decorative  acces- 
sories to  the  portraits,  with  a  felicity  and  celerity  which 
amazed  the  veterans  of  the  firm  and  fetched  out  of 
them  continuous  explosions  of  applause. 

Meantime  Gwendolen  was  losing  her  morning  and 
many  dollars.  She  supposed  Tracy  was  coming  in  the 
forenoon  —  a  conclusion  which  she  had  jumped  to 
without  outside  help.  So  she  tripped  down  stairs 
every  little  while  from  her  work-parlor  to  arrange  the 
brushes  and  things  over  again  and  see  if  he  had  arrived. 
And  when  she  was  in  her  work-parlor  it  was  not  profit- 
able, but  just  the  other  way  —  as  she  found  out  to  her 
sorrow.  She  had  put  in  her  idle  moments  during  the 
last  little  while  back  in  designing  a  particularly  rare 
and  capable  gown  for  herself,  and  this  morning  she  set 
about  making  it  up ;  but  she  was  absentminded,  and 


The  American  Claimant  173 

made  an  irremediable  botch  of  it.  When  she  saw  what 
she  had  done  she  knew  the  reason  of  it  and  the  mean- 
ing of  it,  and  she  put  her  work  away  from  her  and  said 
she  would  accept  the  sign.  And  from  that  time  forth 
she  came  no  more  away  from  the  Audience  Chamber, 
but  remained  there  and  waited.  After  luncheon  she 
waited  again.  A  whole  hour.  Then  a  great  joy  welled 
up  in  her  heart,  for  she  saw  him  coming.  So  she  flew 
back  up  stairs  thankful,  and  could  hardly  wait  for  him 
to  miss  the  principal  brush,  which  she  had  mislaid 
down  there,  but  knew  where  she  had  mislaid  it.  How- 
ever, all  in  good  time  the  others  were  called  in  and 
couldn't  find  the  brush,  and  then  she  was  sent  for,  and 
she  couldn't  find  it  herself  for  some  little  time;  but 
then  she  found  it  when  the  others  had  gone  away  to 
hunt  in  the  kitchen  and  down  cellar  and  in  the  wood- 
shed, and  all  those  other  places  where  people  look  for 
things  whose  ways  they  are  not  familiar  with.  So  she 
gave  him  the  brush,  and  remarked  that  she  ought  to 
have  seen  that  everything  was  ready  for  him,  but  it 
hadn't  seemed  necessary,  because  it  was  so  early  that 
she  wasn't  expecting — but  she  stopped  there,  sur- 
prised at  herself  for  what  she  was  saying ;  and  he  felt 
caught  and  ashamed,  and  said  to  himself,  "  I  knew  my 
impatience  would  drag  me  here  before  I  was  expected 
and  betray  me,  and  that  is  just  what  it  has  done ;  she 
sees  straight  through  me  —  and  is  laughing  at  me 
inside,  of  course." 

Gwendolen  was  very  much  pleased  on  one  account, 
and  a  little  the  other  way  in  another ;  pleased  with  the 
new  clothes  and  the  improvement  which  they  had 
achieved ;  less  pleased  by  the  pink  in  the  Buttonhole. 
Yesterday's  pink  had  hardly  interested  her;  this  one 
was  just  like  it,  but  somehow  it  had  got  her  immediate 
attention,  and  kept  it.  She  wished  she  could  think  of 
some  way  of  getting  at  its  history  in  a  properly  color- 

I2A 


174  The  American  Claimant 

less  and  indifferent  way.  Presently  she  made  a  ven- 
ture. She  said : 

"  Whatever  a  man's  age  may  be,  he  can  reduce  it 
several  years  by  putting  a  bright-colored  flower  in  his 
buttonhole.  I  have  often  noticed  that.  -Is  that  your 
sex's  reason  for  wearing  a  boutonniere?" 

"  I  fancy  not,  but  certainly  that  reason  would  be  a 
sufficient  one.  I've  never  heard  of  the  idea  before." 

"  You  seem  to  prefer  pinks.  Is  it  on  account  of  the 
color,  or  the  form?" 

"  Oh,  no,"  he  said,  simply,  "  they  are  given  to  me. 
I  don't  think  I  have  any  preference." 

"  They  are  given  to  him,"  she  said  to  herself,  and 
she  felt  a  coldness  towards  that  pink.  "  I  wonder  who 
it  is,  and  what  she  is  like."  The  flower  began  to  take 
up  a  good  deal  of  room  ;  it  obtruded  itself  everywhere  ; 
it  intercepted  all  views,  and  marred  them ;  it  was  be- 
coming exceedingly  annoying  and  conspicuous  for  a 
little  thing.  "I  wonder  if  he  cares  for  her."  That 
thought  gave  her  a  quite  definite  pain. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

SI  IE  had  made  everything  comfortable  for  the  artist ; 
there  was  no  further  pretext  for  staying.  So  she 
said  she  would  go  now,  and  asked  him  to  summon  the 
servants  in  case  he  should  need  anything.  She  went 
awty  unhappy,  and  she  left  unhappiness  behind  her; 
for  she  carried  away  all  the  sunshine.  The  time 
dragged  heavily  for  both  now.  He  couldn't  paint  for 
thmking  of  her;  she  couldn't  design  or  millinerize  with 
any  heart  for  thinking  of  him.  Never  before  had 
painting  seemed  so  empty  to  him,  never  before  had 
millinerizing  seemed  so  void  of  interest  to  her.  She 
had  gone  without  repeating  that  dinner-invitation  —  an 
almost  unendurable  disappointment  to  him.  On  her 
part  — •  well,  she  was  suffering,  too  ;  for  she  had  found 
she  couldn't  invite  him.  It  was  not  hard  yesterday, 
but  it  was  impossible  to-day.  A  thousand  innocent 
privileges  seemed  to  have  been  filched  from  her  un- 
awares in  the  past  twenty-four  hours.  To-day  she  felt 
strangely  hampered,  restrained  of  her  liberty.  To-day 
she  couldn't  propose  to  herself  to  do  anything  or  say 
anything  concerning  this  young  man  without  being 
instantly  paralyzed  into  non-action  by  the  fear  that  he 
might"  suspect."  Invite  him  to  dinner  to-day?  It 
made  her  shiver  to  think  of  it. 

And  so  her  afternoon  was  one  long  fret  —  broken  at 
intervals.  Three  times  she  had  to  go  downstairs  on 
errancis  T  that  is,  she  thought  she  had  to  go  down* 

(175) 


176  The  American  Claimant 

stairs  on  errands.  Thus,  going  and  coming,  she  had 
six  glimpses  of  him  in  the  aggregate,  without  seeming 
to  look  in  his  direction ;  and  she  tried  to  endure  these 
electric  ecstasies  without  showing  any  sign,  but  they 
fluttered  her  up  a  good  deal,  and  she  felt  that  the 
naturalness  she  was  putting  on  was  overdone  and  quite 
too  frantically  sober  and  hysterically  calm  to  deceive. 

The  painter  had  his  share  of  the  rapture ;  he  had  his 
six  glimpses,  and  they  smote  him  with  waves  of 
pleasure  that  assaulted  him,  beat  upon  him,  washed 
over  him  deliciously,  and  drowned  out  all  conscious- 
ness of  what  he  was  doing  with  his  brush.  So  there 
were  six  places  in  his  canvas  which  had  to  be  done 
over  again. 

At  last  Gwendolen  got  some  peace  of  mind  by  send- 
ing word  to  the  Thompsons,  in  the  neighborhood,  that 
she  was  coming  there  to  dinner.  She  wouldn't  be  re- 
minded, at  that  table,  that  there  was  an  absentee  who 
ought  to  be  a  presentee  —  a  word  which  she  meant  to 
look  out  in  the  dictionary  at  a  calmer  time. 

About  this  time  the  old  earl  dropped  in  for  a  chat 
with  the  artist,  and  invited  hun  to  stay  to  dinner. 
Tracy  cramped  down  his  joy  and  gratitude  by  a  sudden 
and  powerful  exercise  of  all  his  forces ;  and  he  felt  that 
now  that  he  was  going  to  be  close  to  Gwendolen,  and 
hear  her  voice  and  watch  her  face  during  several 
precious  hours,  earth  had  nothing  valuable  to  add  to 
his  life  for  the  present. 

The  earl  said  to  himself,  "  This  specter  can  eat 
apples,  apparently.  We  shall  find  out  now  if  that  is  a 
specialty.  I  think,  myself,  it's  a  specialty.  Apples, 
without  doubt,  constitute  the  spectral  limit.  It  was  the 
case  with  our  first  parents.  No,  I  am  wrong  —  at 
least,  only  partly  right.  The  line  was  drawn  at  apples, 
just  as  in  the  present  case,  but  it  was  from  the  other 
direction."  The  new  clothes  gave  him  a  thrill  of 


The  American  Claimant  177 

pleasure  and  pride.  He  said  to  himself,  "  I've  got 
part  of  him  down  to  date,  anyway." 

Sellers  said  he  was  pleased  with  Tracy's  work;  and 
he  went  on  and  engaged  him  to  restore  his  old  masters, 
and  said  he  should  also  want  him  to  paint  his  portrait 
and  his  wife's  and  possibly  his  daughter's.  The  tide 
of  the  artist's  happiness  was  at  flood  now.  The  chat 
flowed  pleasantly  along  while  Tracy  painted  and  Sellers 
carefully  unpacked  a  picture  which  he  had  brought 
v/ith  him.  It  was  a  chromo;  a  new  one,  just  out.  It 
was  the  smirking,  self-satisfied  portrait  of  a  man  who 
was  inundating  the  Union  with  advertisements  inviting 
everybody  to  buy  his  specialty,  which  was  a  three- 
dollar  shoe  or  a  dress-suit  or  something  of  that  kind. 
The  old  gentleman  rested  the  chromo  flat  upon  his  lap 
and  gazed  down  tenderly  upon  it,  and  became  silent 
and  meditative.  Presently  Tracy  noticed  that  he  was 
dripping  tears  on  it.  This  touched  the  young  fellow's 
sympathetic  nature,  and  at  the  same  time  gave  him  the 
painful  sense  of  being  an  intruder  upon  a  sacred 
privacy,  an  observer  of  emotions  which  a  stranger 
ought  not  to  witness.  But  his  pity  rose  superior  to 
other  considerations,  and  compelled  him  to  try  to  com- 
fort the  old  mourner  with  kindly  words  and  a  show  of 
friendly  interest.  He  said : 

"  I  am  very  sorry — is  it  a  friend  whom  — " 

"Ah,  more  than  that,  far  more  than  that  —  a  rela- 
tive, the  dearest  I  had  on  earth,  although  I  was  never 
permitted  to  see  him.  Yes,  it  is  young  Lord  Berkeley, 
who  perished  so  heroically  in  the  awful  confla  — 
Why,  what  is  the  matter?" 

"  Oh,  nothing,  nothing.  It  was  a  little  startling  to 
be  so  suddenly  brought  face  to  face,  so  to  speak,  with 
a  person  one  has  heard  so  much  talk  about.  Is  it  a 
good  likeness?" 

"  Without  doubt,  yes.  I  never  saw  him,  but  you 
12*** 


178  The  American  Claimant 

can  easily  see  the  resemblance  to  his  father,"  said 
Sellers,  holding  up  the  chromo,  and  glancing  from  it 
to  the  chromo  misrepresenting  the  Usurping  Earl,  and 
back  again  with  an  approving  eye. 

"  Well,  no  —  I  am  not  sure  that  I  make  out  the  like- 
ness. It  is  plain  that  the  Usurping  Earl  there  has  a 
great  deal  of  character  and  a  long  face  like  a  horse's, 
whereas  his  heir  here  is  smirky,  moon-faced,  and 
characterless." 

"  We  are  all  that  way  in  the  beginning  —  all  the 
line,"  said  Sellers,  undisturbed.  "  We  all  start  as 
moon-faced  fools,  then  later  we  tadpole  along  into 
horse-faced  marvels  of  intellect  and  character.  It  is 
by  that  sign  and  by  that  fact  that  I  detect  the  resem- 
blance here,  and  know  this  portrait  to  be  genuine  and 
perfect.  Yes,  all  our  family  are  fools  at  first." 

"  This  young  man  seems  to  meet  the  hereditary  re- 
quirement, certainly." 

"  Yes,  yes,  he  was  a  fool,  without  any  doubt. 
Examine  the  face,  the  shape  of  the  head,  the  expres- 
sion. It's  all  fool,  fool,  fool,  straight  through." 

"Thanks,"  said  Tracy,  involuntarily. 

"Thanks?" 

"  I  mean  for  explaining  it  to  me.    Go  on,  please." 

"  As  I  was  saying,  fool  is  printed  all  over  the  face. 
A  body  can  even  read  the  details." 

"What  do  they  say?" 

"  Well,  added  up,  he  is  a  wobbler." 

"A  which?" 

"  Wobbler.  A  person  that's  always  taking  a  firm 
stand  about  something  or  other  —  kind  of  a  Gibraltar 
stand,  he  thinks,  for  unshakable  fidelity  and  everlasting- 
ness —  and  then,  inside  of  a  little  while,  he  begins  to 
wobble;  no  more  Gibraltar  there;  no,  sir,  a  mighty 
ordinary  commonplace  weakling  wobbling  around  on 
stilts.  That's  Lord  Berkeley  to  a  dot,  you  can  see  it  — 


The  American  Claimant  179 

look  at  that  sheep  !  But  —  why  are  you  blushing  like 
sunset?  Dear  sir,  have  I  unwittingly  offended  in  some 
way?" 

"  Oh,  no  indeed,  no  indeed.  Far  from  it.  But  it 
always  makes  me  blush  to  hear  a  man  revile  his  own 
blood."  He  said  to  himself,  "How  strangely  his 
vagrant  and  unguided  fancies  have  hit  upon  the  truth. 
By  accident  he  has  described  me.  I  am  that  contemp- 
tible thing.  When  I  left  England  I  thought  I  knew 
myself ;  I  thought  I  was  a  very  Frederick  the  Great  for 
resolution  and  staying  capacity ;  whereas  in  truth  I  am 
just  a  Wobbler,  simply  a  Wobbler.  Well  —  after  all, 
it  is  at  least  creditable  to  have  high  ideals  and  give 
birth  to  lofty  resolutions ;  I  will  allow  myself  that  com- 
fort." Then  he  said  aloud,  "  Could  this  sheep,  as  you 
call  him,  breed  a  great  and  self-sacrificing  idea  in  his 
head,  do  you  think?  Could  he  meditate  such  a  thing, 
for  instance,  as  the  renunciation  of  the  earldom  and  its 
wealth  and  its  glories,  and  voluntary  retirement  to  the 
ranks  of  the  commonalty,  there  to  rise  by  his  own 
merit  or  remain  forever  poor  and  obscure?" 

"Could  he?  Why,  look  at  him  —  look  at  this 
simpering,  self-righteous  mug !  There  is  your  answer. 
It's  the  very  thing  he  would  think  of.  And  he  would 
start  in  to  do  it,  too." 

"And  then?" 

"  He'd  wobble.1' 

"And  backdown?" 

"  Every  time." 

"  Is  that  to  happen  with  all  my  —  I  mean  would 
that  happen  to  all  his  high  resolutions?" 

"  Oh,  certainly  —  certainly.  It's  the  Rossmore  of 
it." 

'  Then  this  creature  was  fortunate  to  die  !    Suppose, 
for  argument's  sake,  that  I  was  a  Rossmore,  and  — " 

"  It  can't  be  done." 
L*** 


180  The  American  Claimant 

"Why?" 

"  Because  it's  not  a  supposable  case.  To  be  a  Ross- 
more  at  your  age  you'd  have  to  be  a  fool,  and  you're 
not  a  fool.  And  you'd  have  to  be  a  Wobbler,  whereas 
anybody  that  is  an  expert  in  reading  character  can  see 
at  a  glance  that  when  you  set  your  foot  down  once, 
it's  there  to  stay;  an  earthquake  can't  wobble  it." 
He  added  to  himself,  "  That's  enough  to  say  to  him, 
but  it  isn't  half  strong  enough  for  the  facts.  The  more 
I  observe  him  now  the  more  remarkable  I  find  him.  It 
is  the  strongest  face  I  have  ever  examined.  There  is 
almost  superhuman  firmness  here,  immovable  purpose, 
iron  steadfastness  of  will.  A  most  extraordinary  young 
man." 

He  presently  said,  aloud: 

"  Some  time  I  want  to  ask  your  advice  about  a  little 
matter,  Mr.  Tracy.  You  see,  I've  got  that  young 
lord's  remains  —  my  goodness,  how  you  jump  !" 

"  Oh,  it's  nothing,  pray  go  on.  You've  got  his 
remains?" 

"Yes." 

"  Are  you  sure  they  are  his,  and  not  somebody 
else's?" 

"  Oh,  perfectly  sure.  Samples,  I  mean.  Not  all 
of  him." 

"  Samples?" 

"Yes  —  in  baskets.  Some  time  you  will  be  going 
home ;  and  if  you  wouldn't  mind  taking  them  along  — ' ' 

"Who?     I?" 

"  Yes  —  certainly.  I  don't  mean  now;  but  after  a 
while;  after  —  but  look  here,  would  you  like  to  see 
them?" 

"No!  Most  certainly  not.  I  don't  want  to  see 
them." 

"Oh,  very  well.  I  only  thought.  Heyo,  where  are 
jrou  going,  dear?" 


Tne  American  Claimant  181 

"  Out  to  dinner,  papa." 

Tracy  was  aghast.  The  Colonel  said,  in  a  disap- 
pointed voice : 

"  Well,  I'm  sorry.  Sho,  I  didn't  know  she  was 
going  out,  Mr.  Tracy."  Gwendolen's  face  began  to 
take  on  a  sort  of  apprehensive  What-have-I-done  ex- 
pression. "Three  old  people  to  one  young  one  — 
well,  it  isn't  a  good  team,  that's  a  fact."  Gwendolen's 
face  betrayed  a  dawning  hopefulness,  and  she  said, 
with  a  tone  of  reluctance  which  hadn't  the  hall-mark 
on  it: 

"  If  you  prefer,  I  will  send  word  to  the  Thompsons 
that  I—" 

"Oh,  is  it  the  Thompsons?  That  simplifies  it  — 
sets  everything  right.  We  can  fix  it  without  spoiling 
your  arrangements,  my  child.  You've  got  your  heart 
set  on  — " 

"  But,  papa,  V&just  as  soon  go  there  some  other —  " 

"  No,  I  won't  have  it.  You  are  a  good,  hardwork- 
ing, darling  child,  and  your  father  is  not  the  man  to 
disappoint  you  when  you  — " 

"But,  papa,  I—" 

"  Go  along,  I  won't  hear  a  word.  We'll  get  along, 
dear." 

Gwendolen  was  ready  to  cry  with  vexation.  But 
there  was  nothing  to  do  but  start;  which  she  was  about 
to  do  when  her  father  hit  upon  an  idea  which  filled  him 
with  delight  because  it  so  deftly  covered  all  the  diffi- 
culties of  the  sitation,  and  made  things  smooth  and 
satisfactory : 

"  I've  got  it,  my  love,  so  that  you  won't  be  robbed 
of  your  holiday,  and  at  the  same  time  we'll  be  pretty 
satisfactorily  fixed  for  a  good  time  here.  You  send 
Belle  Thompson  here  —  perfectly  beautiful  creature, 
Tracy,  per-fectly  beautiful.  I  want  you  to  see  that 
girl;  why,  you'll  just  go  mad  —  you'll  go  mad  inside 


182  The  American  Claimant 

of  a  minute.     Yes,  you   send   her  right  along,  Gwen- 
dolen, and  tell  her —    Why,  she's  gone!"     He  turned 

—  she  was  already  passing  out  at  the  gate.     He  mut- 
tered, "I   wonder  what's   the    matter;   I   don't   know 
what  her  mouth's  doing,  but  I  think  her  shoulders  are 
swearing.     Well,"  said   Sellers,  blithely,  to  Tracy,  "  I 
shall  miss   her  —  parents   always  miss  the  children  as 
soon  as  they're  out  of  sight;   it's  only  a  natural  and 
wisely  ordained  partiality;   but  you'll  be  all  right,  be- 
cause Miss  Belle  will  supply  the  youthful  element  for 
you.   and   to  your  entire   content;   and  we   old   people 
will  do  our  best,  too.     We  shall  have  a  good  enough 
time.     And  you'll    have    a    chance    to   get  better  ac- 
quainted with  Admiral  Hawkins.     That's  a  rare  char- 
acter, Mr.  Tracy  —  one  of  the  rarest  and  most  engaging 
characters  the  world  has  produced.     You'll  find  him 
worth  studying.     I've  studied  him  ever  since  he  was  a 
child,  and  have  always  found  him  developing.     I  really 
consider  that  one  of  the  main  things  that  has  enabled 
me  to  master  the  difficult  science  of  character-reading 
was  the  vivid  interest  I  always  felt  in  that  boy,  and  the 
baffling  inscrutabilities  of  his  ways  and  inspirations." 

Tracy  was  not  hearing  a  word.  His  spirits  were 
gone,  he  was  desolate. 

"  Yes,  a  most  wonderful  character.  Concealment  — 
that's  the  basis  of  it.  Always  the  first  thing  you  want 
to  do  is  to  find  the  keystone  a  man's  character  is 
built  on  —  then  you've  got  it.  No  misleading  and  ap- 
parently inconsistent  peculiarities  can  fool  you  then. 
What  do  you  read  on  the  Senator's  surface?  Simplicity 

—  a  kind  of  rank  and  protuberant  simplicity ;  whereas, 
in  fact,  that's  one  of  the  deepest  minds  in  the  world. 
A  perfectly  honest    man  —  an   absolutely  honest  and 
honorable    man  —  and  yet,   without   doubt,   the    pro- 
foundest  master  of  dissimulation  the  world   has  ever 
seen." 


The  American  Claimant  183 

"  Oh,  it's  devilish!"  This  was  wrung  from  the  un- 
listening  Tracy  by  the  anguished  thought  of  what  might 
have  been  if  only  the  dinner  arrangements  hadn't  got 
mixed. 

"No,  I  shouldn't  call  it  that,"  said  Sellers,  who 
was  now  placidly  walking  up  and  down  the  room  with 
his  hands  under  his  coat-tails  and  listening  to  himself 
talk.  "  One  could  quite  properly  call  it  devilish  in 
another  man,  but  not  in  the  Senator.  Your  term  is 
right,  perfectly  right  —  I  grant  that ;  but  the  applica- 
tion is  wrong.  It  makes  a  great  difference.  Yes,  he 
is  a  marvelous  character.  I  do  not  suppose  that  any 
other  statesman  ever  had  such  a  colossal  sense  of 
humor,  combined  with  the  ability  to  totally  conceal  it. 
I  may  except  George  Washington  and  Cromwell,  and 
perhaps  Robespierre,  but  I  draw  the  line  there.  A 
person  not  an  expert  might  be  in  Judge  Hawkins's 
company  a  lifetime  and  never  find  out  he  had  any 
more  sense  of  humor  than  a  cemetery." 

A  deep-drawn,  yard-long  sigh  from  the  distraught 
and  dreaming  artist,  followed  by  a  murmured  "Miser- 
able, oh,  miserable!" 

'  Well,  no,  I  shouldn't  say  that  about  it,  quite.  On 
the  contrary,  I  admire  his  ability  to  conceal  his  humor 
even  more  if  possible  than  I  admire  the  gift  itself, 
stupendous  as  it  is.  Another  thing —  General  Hawkins 
is  a  thinker;  a  keen,  logical,  exhaustive,  analytical 
thinker  —  perhaps  the  ablest  of  modern  times.  That 
is,  of  course,  upon  themes  suited  to  his  size,  like  the 
glacial  period,  and  the  correlation  of  forces,  and  the 
evolution  of  the  Christian  from  the  caterpillar  —  any 
of  those  things ;  give  him  a  subject  according  to  his 
size,  and  just  stand  back  and  watch  him  think !  Why, 
you  can  see  the  place  rock !  Ah,  yes,  you  must  know 
him;  you  must  get  on  the  inside  of  him.  Perhaps  the 
most  extraordinary  mind  since  Aristotle." 


184  The  American  Claimant 

Dinner  was  kept  waiting  for  a  while  for  Miss  Thomp- 
son, but  as  Gwendolen  had  not  delivered  the  invitation 
to  her  the  waiting  did  no  good,  and  the  household 
presently  went  to  the  meal  without  her.  Poor  old 
Sellers  tried  everything  his  hospitable  soul  could 
devise  to  make  the  occasion  an  enjoyable  one  for  the 
guest,  and  the  guest  tried  his  honest  best  to  be  cheery 
and  chatty  and  happy  for  the  old  gentleman's  sake;  in 
fact,  all  hands  worked  hard  in  the  interest  of  a  mutual 
good  time,  but  the  thing  was  a  failure  from  the  start; 
Tracy's  heart  was  lead  in  his  bosom;  there  seemed  to 
be  only  one  prominent  feature  in  the  landscape,  and 
that  was  a  vacant  chair;  he  couldn't  drag  his  mind 
away  from  Gwendolen  and  his  hard  luck ;  consequently, 
his  distractions  allowed  deadly  pauses,  to  slip  in  every 
now  and  then  when  it  was  his  turn  to  say  something, 
and  of  course  this  disease  spread  to  the  rest  of  the 
conversation  —  wherefore,  instead  of  having  a  breezy 
sail  in  sunny  waters,  as  anticipated,  everybody  was 
bailing  out  and  praying  for  land.  What  could  the 
matter  be?  Tracy  alone  could  have  told,  the  others 
couldn't  even  invent  a  theory. 

Meanwhile  they  were  having  a  similarly  dismal  time 
at  the  Thompson  house;  in  fact,  a  twin  experience. 
Gwendolen  was  ashamed  of  herself  for  allowing  her 
disappointment  to  so  depress  her  spirits,  and  make  her 
so  strangely  and  profoundly  miserable ;  but  feeling 
ashamed  of  herself  didn't  improve  the  matter  any;  it 
only  seemed  to  aggravate  the  suffei  ing.  She  explained 
that  she  was  not  feeling  very  well,  and  everybody  could 
see  that  this  was  true;  so  she  got  sincere  sympathy 
and  commiseration;  but  that  didn't  help  the  case. 
Nothing  helps  that  kind  of  a  case.  It  is  best  to  just 
stand  off  and  let  it  fester.  The  moment  the  dinner 
was  over  the  girl  excused  herself,  and  she  hurried 
home,  feeling  unspeakably  grateful  to  get  away  from 


The  American  Claimant  185 

that  house  and  that  intolerable  captivity  and  suffer- 
ing. 

Will  he  be  gone?  The  thought  arose  in  her  brain 
but  took  effect  in  her  heels.  She  slipped  into  the 
house,  threw  off  her  things,  and  made  straight  for  the 
dining-room.  She  stopped  and  listened.  Her  father's 
voice  —  with  no  life  in  it;  presently  her  mother's  — 
no  life  in  that;  a  considerable  vacancy,  then  a  sterile 
remark  from  Washington  Hawkins.  Another  silence; 
then,  not  Tracy's  but  her  father's  voice  again. 

"  He's  gone,"  she  said  to  herself,  despairingly,  and 
listlessly  opened  the  door  and  stepped  within. 

"  Why,  my  child,"  cried  the  mother,  "  how  white 
you  are  !  Are  you  —  has  anything  — ' ' 

"White?"  exclaimed  Sellers.  "It's  gone  like  a 
flash;  'twasn't  serious.  Already  she's  as  red  as  the 
soul  of  a  watermelon!  Sit  down,  dear,  sit  down  — 
goodness  knows  you're  welcome.  Did  you  have  a 
good  time?  We've  had  great  times  here  —  immense. 
Why  didn't  Miss  Belle  come?  Mr.  Tracy  is  not  feel- 
ing well,  and  she'd  have  made  him  forget  it." 

She  was  content  now ;  and  out  from  her  happy  eyes 
there  went  a  light  that  told  a  secret  to  another  pair  of 
eyes  there  and  got  a  secret  in  return.  In  just  that 
infinitely  small  fraction  of  a  second  those  two  great 
confessions  were  made,  received  and  perfectly  under- 
stood. All  anxiety,  apprehension,  uncertainty,  vanished 
out  of  these  young  people's  hearts  and  left'them  filled 
with  a  great  peace. 

Sellers  had  had  the  most  confident  faith  that  with 
the  new  reinforcement  victory  would  be  at  this  last 
moment  snatched  from  the  jaws  of  defeat,  but  it  was 
an  error.  The  talk  was  as  stubbornly  disjointed  as  ever. 
He  was  proud  of  Gwendolen,  and  liked  to  show  her  off, 
even  against  Miss  Belle  Thompson,  and  here  had  been  a 
great  opportunity,  and  what  had  she  made  of  it?  He 


186  The  American  Claimant 

felt  a  good  deal  put  out.  It  vexed  him  to  think  that 
this  Englishman,  with  the  traveling  Briton's  everlasting 
disposition  to  generalize  whole  mountain  ranges  from 
single  sample-grains  of  sand,  would  jump  to  the  con- 
clusion that  American  girls  were  as  dumb  as  himself  — 
generalizing  the  whole  tribe  from  this  single  sample, 
and  she  at  her  poorest,  there  being  nothing  at  that 
table  to  inspire  her,  give  her  a  start,  keep  her  from 
going  to  sleep.  He  made  up  his  mind  that  for  the 
honor  of  the  country  he  would  bring  these  two  together 
again  over  the  social  board  before  long.  There  would 
be  a  different  result  another  time,  he  judged.  He  said 
to  himself,  with  a  deep  sense  of  injury,  "  He'll  put  in 
his  diary  —  they  all  keep  diaries  —  he'll  put  in  his 
diary  that  she  was  miraculously  uninteresting  —  dear, 
dear,  but  wasn't  she !  —  I  never  saw  the  like  —  and 
yet  looking  as  beautiful  as  Satan,  too  —  and  couldn't 
seem  to  do  anything  but  paw  bread  crumbs,  and  pick 
flowers  to  pieces,  and  look  fidgety.  And  it  isn't  any 
better  here  in  the  Hall  of  Audience.  I've  had  enough; 
I'll  haul  down  my  flag;  the  others  may  fight  it  out  if 
they  want  to." 

He  shook  hands  all  around  and  went  off  to  do  some 
work  which  he  said  was  pressing.  The  idolaters  were 
the  width  of  the  room  apart,  and  apparently  uncon- 
scious of  each  other's  presence.  The  distance  got 
shortened  a  little  now.  Very  soon  the  mother  with- 
drew. The  distance  narrowed  again.  Tracy  stood  be- 
fore a  chromo  of  some  Ohio  politician  which  had  been 
retouched  and  chain-mailed  for  a  crusading  Rossmore, 
and  Gwendolen  was  sitting  on  the  sofa  not  far  from  his 
elbow,  artificially  absorbed  in  examining  a  photograph 
album  that  hadn't  any  photographs  in  it. 

The  "Senator"  still  lingered.  He  was  sorry  for 
the  young  people ;  it  had  been  a  dull  evening  for  them. 
In  the  goodness  of  his  heart  he  tried  to  make  it  pleasant 


The  American  Claimant  187 

for  them  now;  tried  to  remove  the  ill-impression  neces- 
sarily left  by  the  general  defeat;  tried  to  be  chatty, 
even  tried  to  be  gay.  But  the  responses  were  sickly, 
there  was  no  starting  any  enthusiasm ;  he  would  give  it 
up  and  quit  —  it  was  a  day  specially  picked  out  and 
consecrated  to  failures. 

But  when  Gwendolen  rose  up  promptly  and  smiled  a 
glad  smile,  and  said,  with  thankfulness  and  blessing, 
"  Must  you  go?''  it  seemed  cruel  to  desert,  and  he  sat 
down  again. 

He  was  about  to  begin  a  remark  when  —  when  he 
didn't.  We  have  all  been  there.  He  didn't  know  how 
he  knew  his  concluding  to  stay  longer  had  been  a  mis- 
take, he  merely  knew  it;  and  knew  it  for  dead  certain, 
too.  And  so  he  bade  good  night  and  went  mooning 
out,  wondering  what  he  could  have  done  that  changed 
the  atmosphere  that  way.  As  the  door  closed  behind 
him  those  two  were  standing  side  by  side,  looking  at 
that  door  —  looking  at  it  in  a  waiting,  second-counting, 
but  deeply  grateful  kind  of  way.  And  the  instant  it 
closed  they  flung  their  arms  about  each  other's  necks, 
and  there,  heart  to  heart  and  lip  to  lip  — 

"  Oh,  my  God,  she's  kissing  it!" 

Nobody  heard  this  remark,  because  Hawkins,  who 
bred  it,  only  thought  it;  he  didn't  utter  it.  He  had 
turned  the  moment  he  had  closed  the  door,  and  had 
pushed  it  open  a  little,  intending  to  re-enter  and  ask 
what  ill-advised  thing  he  had  done  or  said,  and  apolo- 
gize for  it.  But  he  didn't  re-enter;  he  staggered  off 
stunned,  terrified,  distressed. 


CHAPTER   XXII. 

PIVE  minutes  later  he  was  sitting  in  his  room,  with 
I  his  head  bowed  within  the  circle  of  his  arms,  on 
the  table  —  final  atttiude  of  grief  and  despair.  His 
tears  were  flowing  fast,  and  now  and  then  a  sob  broke 
upon  the  stillness.  Presently  he  said  : 

44  I  knew  her  when  she  was  a  little  child  and  used  to 
climb  about  my  knees;  I  love  her  as  I  love  my  own, 
and  now  —  oh,  poor  thing,  poor  thing,  I  cannot  bear 
it !  —  she's  gone  and  lost  her  heart  to  this  mangy 
materializee  !  Why  didn't  we  see  that  that  might  hap- 
pen ?  But  how  could  we  ?  Nobody  could  ;  nobody  could 
ever  have  dreamed  of  such  a  thing.  You  couldn't  ex- 
pect a  person  would  fall  in  love  with  a  wax-work. 
And  this  one  doesn't  even  amount  to  that." 

He  went  on  grieving  to  himself,  and  now  and  then 
giving  voice  to  his  lamentations. 

44  It's  done,  oh,  it's  done,  and  there's  no  help  for  it, 
no  undoing  the  miserable  business.  If  I  had  the  nerve, 
I  would  kill  it.  But  that  wouldn't  do  any  good.  She 
loves  it;  she  thinks  it's  genuine  and  authentic.  If  she 
lost  it  she  would  grieve  for  it  just  as  she  would  for  a 
real  person.  And  who's  to  break  it  to  the  family? 
Not  I  —  I'll  die  first.  Sellers  is  the  best  human  being 
I  ever  knew,  and  I  wouldn't  any  more  think  of —  oh, 
dear,  why  it'll  break  his  heart  when  he  finds  it  out. 
And  Polly's,  too.  This  comes  of  meddling  with  such 
infernal  matters !  But  for  this  the  creature  would  still 
be  roasting  in  Sheol,  where  it  belongs.  How  is  it  that 

(iS8) 


The  American  Claimant  185 

these  people  don't  smell  the  brimstone?  Sometimes  I 
can't  come  into  the  same  room  with  him  without  nearly 
suffocating." 

After  a  while  he  broke  out  again : 

"  Well,  there's  one  thing  sure.  The  materializing 
has  got  to  stop  right  where  it  is.  If  she's  got  to  marry 
a  specter,  let  her  marry  a  decent  one  out  of  the  Middle 
Ages,  like  this  one  —  not  a  cowboy  and  a  thief  such  as 
this  protoplasmic  tadpole's  going  to  turn  into  if  Sellers 
keeps  on  fussing  at  it.  It  costs  five  thousand  dollars 
cash  and  shuts  down  on  the  incorporated  company  to 
stop  the  works  at  this  point,  but  Sally  Sellers 's  happi- 
ness is  worth  more  than  that." 

He  heard  Sellers  coming,  and  got  himself  to  rights. 
Sellers  took  a  seat,  and  said : 

"  Well,  I've  got  to  confess  I'm  a  good  deal  puzzled. 
It  did  certainly  eat,  there's  no  getting  around  it.  Not 
eat,  exactly,  either,  but  it  nibbled ;  nibbled  in  an  ap- 
petiteless  way,  but  still  it  nibbled;  and  that's  just  a 
marvel.  Now  the  question  is,  What  does  it  do  with 
those  nibblings?  That's  it  —  what  does  it  do  with 
them?  My  idea  is  that  we  don't  begin  to  know  all 
there  is  to  this  stupendous  discovery  yet.  But  time 
will  show  —  time  and  science  —  give  us  a  chance,  and 
don't  get  impatient." 

But  he  couldn't  get  Hawkins  interested;  couldn't 
make  him  talk  to  amount  to  anything;  couldn't  drag 
him  out  of  his  depression.  But  at  last  he  took  a  turn 
that  arrested  Hawkins's  attention. 

"  I'm  coming  to  like  him,  Hawkins.  He  is  a  person 
of  stupendous  character  —  absolutely  gigantic.  Under 
that  placid  exterior  is  concealed  the  most  dare-devil 
spirit  that  was  ever  put  into  a  man;  he's  just  a  Clive 
over  again.  Yes,  I'm  all  admiration  for  him  on  ac- 
count of  his  character,  and  liking  naturally  follows 
admiration,  you  know.  I'm  coming  to  like  him  im- 


190  The  American  Claimant 

mensely.  Do  you  know,  I  haven't  the  heart  to  degrade 
such  a  character  as  that  down  to  the  burglar  estate  for 
money  or  for  anything  else;  and  I've  come  to  ask  if 
you  are  willing  to  let  the  reward  go  and  leave  this  poor 
fellow—*' 

'Where  he  is?" 

'  Yes  —  not  bring  him  down  to  date.'1 
"  Oh,  there's  my  hand;  and  my  heart's  in  it,  too !" 
'*  I'll  never  forget  you  for  this,  Hawkins,"  said  the 
old   gentleman,  in  a  voice  which   he  found  it  hard  to 
control.     *'  You  are  making  a  great  sacrifice  for  me, 
and  one  which  you  can  ill  afford,  but  I'll  never  forget 
your  generosity,  and  if  I  live  you  shall  not  suffer  for  it, 
be  sure  of  that." 

Sally  Sellers  immediately  and  vividly  realized  that 
she  was  become  a  new  being ;  a  being  of  a  far  higher 
and  worthier  sort  than  she  had  been  such  a  little  while 
before;  an  earnest  being,  in  place  of  a  dreamer;  and 
supplied  with  a  reason  for  her  presence  in  the  world, 
where  merely  a  wistful  and  troubled  curiosity  about  it 
had  existed  before.  So  great  and  so  comprehensive 
was  the  change  which  had  been  wrought  that  she 
seemed  to  herself  to  be  a  real  person  who  had  lately 
been  a  shadow ;  a  something,  which  had  lately  been  a 
nothing;  a  purpose,  which  had  lately  been  a  fancy;  a 
finished  temple,  with  the  altar-fires  lit  and  the  voice  of 
worship  ascending,  where  before  had  been  but  an 
architect's  confusion  of  arid  working  plans,  unintelli- 
gible to  the  passing  eye  and  prohesying  nothing. 

"  Lady "  Gwendolen!  The  pleasantness  of  that 
sound  was  all  gone ;  it  was  an  offense  to  her  ear  now. 
She  said : 

'*  There  —  that  sham  belongs  to  the  past;  I  will  not 
be  called  by  it  any  more." 

"  I  may  call  you  simply  Gwendolen?    You  will 


Tne  American  Claimant  191 

me  to  drop  the  formalities  straightway  and  name  you 
by  your  dear  first  name  without  additions?" 

She  was  dethroning  the  pink  and  replacing  it  with  a 
rosebud. 

*  *  There  —  that  is  better.  I  hate  pinks  —  some 
pinks.  Indeed,  yes,  you  are  to  call  me  by  my  first 
name  without  additions —  that  is  —  well,  I  don't  mean 
without  additions  entirely,  but — " 

It  was  as  far  as  she  could  get.  There  was  a  pause ; 
his  intellect  was  struggling  to  comprehend ;  presently 
it  did  manage  to  catch  the  idea  in  time  to  save  embar- 
rassment all  around,  and  he  said,  gratefully: 

"  Dear  Gwendolen  !     I  may  say  that?" 

"  Yes  —  part  of  it.  But  —  don't  kiss  me  when  I 
am  talking;  it  makes  me  forget  what  I  was  going  to 
say.  You  can  call  me  by  part  of  that  form,  but  not 
the  last  part.  Gwendolen  is  not  my  name." 

"  Not  your  name?"  This  in  a  tone  of  wonder  and 
surprise, 

The  girl's  soul  was  suddenly  invaded  by  a  creepy 
apprehension,  a  quite  definite  sense  of  suspicion  and 
alarm.  She  put  his  arms  away  from  her,  looked 
searchingly  in  the  eye,  and  said : 

"  Answer  me  truly,  on  your  honor.  You  are  not 
seeking  to  marry  me  on  account  of  my  rank  T ' 

The  shot  almost  knocked  him  through  the  wall,  he 
was  so  little  prepared  for  it.  There  was  something  so 
finely  grotesque  about  the  question  and  its  parent  sus- 
picion that  he  stopped  to  wonder  and  admire,  and  thus 
was  he  saved  from  laughing.  Then,  without  wasting 
precious  time,  he  set  about  the  task  of  convincing  her 
that  he  had  been  lured  by  herself  alone,  and  had  fallen 
in  love  with  her  only,  not  her  title  and  position ;  that 
he  loved  her  with  all  his  heart,  and  could  not  love  her 
more  if  she  were  a  duchess,  or  less  if  she  were  without 
home,  name,  or  family.  She  watched  h*s  face  wist- 


192  The  American  Claimant 

fully,  eagerly,  hopefully,  translating  his  words  by  its 
expression ;  and  when  he  had  finished  there  was  glad- 
ness in  her  heart — a  tumultuous  gladness,  indeed, 
though  outwardly  she  was  calm,  tranquil,  even  judicially 
austere.  She  prepared  a  surprise  for  him  now,  calcu- 
lated to  put  a  heavy  strain  upon  those  disinterested 
protestations  of  his ;  and  thus  she  delivered  it,  burning 
it  away  word  by  word  as  the  fuse  burns  down  to  a 
bombshell,  and  watching  to  see  how  far  the  explosion 
would  lift  him. 

*  *  Listen  —  and  do  not  doubt  me  —  for  I  shall  speak 
the  exact  truth.  Howard  Tracy,  I  am  no  more  an 
earl's  child  than  you  are !" 

To  her  joy  —  and  secret  surprise  also  —  it  never 
phased  him.  He  was  ready  this  time,  and  saw  his 
chance.  He  cried  out,  with  enthusiasm,  '  *  Thank 
Heaven  for  that!"  and  gathered  her  to  his  arms. 

To  express  her  happiness  was  almost  beyond  her 
gift  of  speech. 

11  You  make  me  the  proudest  girl  in  all  the  earth," 
she  said,  with  her  head  pillowed  on  his  shoulder.  "  I 
thought  it  only  natural  that  you  should  be  dazzled  by 
the  title  — •  maybe  even  unconsciously,  you  being  Eng- 
lish —  and  that  you  might  be  deceiving  yourself  in 
thinking  you  loved  only  me,  and  find  you  didn't  love 
me  when  the  deception  was  swept  away ;  so  it  makes 
me  proud  that  the  revelation  stands  for  nothing  and 
that  you  do  love  just  me,  only  me  —  oh,  prouder  than 
any  words  can  tell ! ' ' 

"  It  is  only  you,  sweetheart;  I  never  gave  one  envy- 
ing glance  towards  your  father's  earldom.  That  is 
utterly  true,  dear  Gwendolen." 

"  There  —  you  mustn't  call  me  that.  I  hate  that 
false  name.  I  told  you  it  wasn't  mine.  My  name  is 
Sally  Sellers  —  or  Sarah,  if  you  like.  From  this  time  I 
banish  dreams,  visions,  imaginings,  and  will  no  more 


The  American  Claimant  193 

of  them.  I  am  going  to  be  myself — my  genuine 
self,  my  honest  self,  my  natural  self,  clear  and  clean  of 
sham  and  folly  and  fraud,  and  worthy  of  you.  There 
is  no  grain  of  social  inequality  between  us;  I,  like  you, 
am  poor;  I,  like  you,  am  without  position  or  distinc- 
tion; you  are  a  struggling  artist;  I  am  that,  too,  in  my 
humbler  way.  Our  bread  is  honest  bread;  we  work 
for  our  living.  Hand  in  hand  we  will  walk  hence  to 
the  grave,  helping  each  other  in  all  ways,  living  for 
each  other,  being  and  remaining  one  in  heart  and  pur- 
pose, one  in  hope  and  aspiration,  inseparable  to  the 
end.  And  though  our  place  is  low,  judged  by  the 
world's  eye,  we  will  make  it  as  high  as  the  highest  in 
the  great  essentials  of  honest  work  for  what  we  eat  and 
wear,  and  conduct  above  reproach.  We  live  in  a  land, 
let  us  be  thankful,  where  this  is  all-sufficient,  and  no 
man  is  better  than  his  neighbor  by  the  grace  of  God, 
but  only  by  his  own  merit." 

Tracy  tried  to  break  in,  but  she  stopped  him,  and 
kept  the  floor  herself. 

"  I  am  not  through  yet.  I  am  going  to  purge 
myself  of  the  last  vestiges  of  artificiality  and  pretense, 
and  then  start  fair  on  your  own  honest  level,  and  be 
worthy  mate  to  you  thenceforth.  My  father  honestly 
thinks  he  is  an  earl.  Well,  leave  him  his  dream;  it 
pleases  him,  and  does  no  one  any  harm.  It  was  the 
dream  of  his  ancestors  before  him.  It  has  made  fools 
of  the  house  of  Sellers  for  generations,  and  it  made 
something  of  a  fool  of  me,  but  took  no  deep  root.  I 
am  done  with  it  now,  and  for  good.  Forty-eight  hours 
ago  I  was  privately  proud  of  being  the  daughter  of  a 
pinchbeck  earl,  and  thought  the  proper  mate  for  me 
must  be  a  man  of  like  degree ;  but  to-day  —  oh,  how 
grateful  I  am  for  your  love,  which  has  healed  my  sick 
brain  and  restored  my  sanity !  —  I  could  make  oath 
that  no  earl's  son  in  all  the  world  — " 
13*** 


194  The  American  Claimant 

11  Oh  — well,  but  —  but— " 

*  Why,  you  look  like  a  person  in  a  panic.     What  is 
it?     What  is  the  matter?" 

"Matter?  Oh,  nothing — nothing7  I  was  only 
going  to  say  ' ' —  but  in  his  flurry  nothing  occurred  to 
him  to  say  for  a  moment ;  then  by  a  'lucky  inspiration 
he  thought  of  something  entirely  sufficient  for  the  occa- 
sion, and  brought  it  out  with  eloquent  force:  "Oh, 
how  beautiful  you  are !  You  take  my  breath  away 
when  you  look  like  that." 

It  was  well  conceived,  well  timed,  and  cordially  de- 
livered —  and  it  got  its  reward. 

"  Let  me  see.  Where  was  I?  Yes,  my  father 's 
earldom  is  pure  moonshine.  Look  at  those  dreadful 
things  on  the  wall.  You  have  of  course  supposed 
them  to  be  portraits  of  his  ancestors,  earls  of  Ross- 
more.  Well,  they  are  not.  They  are  chromos  of 
distinguished  Americans  —  all  moderns ;  but  he  has 
carried  them  back  a  thousand  years  by  relabeling 
them,  Andrew  Jackson  there  is  doing  what  he  can  to 
be  the  late  American  earl ;  and  the  newest  treasure  in 
the  collection  is  supposed  to  be  the  young  English  heir 
—  I  mean  the  idiot  with  the  crape;  but  in  truth  it's  a 
shoemaker,  and  not  Lord  Berkeley  at  all." 

"  Are  you  sure?" 

"  Why,  of  course  I  am.     He  wouldn't  look  like  that." 

"Why?" 

11  Because  his  conduct  in  his  last  moments,  when  the 
fire  was  sweeping  around  him,  shows  that  he  was  a 
man.  It  shows  that  he  was  a  fine,  high-souled  young 
creature." 

Tracy  was  strongly  moved  by  these  compliments, 
and  it  seemed  to  him  that  the  girl's  lovely  lips  took  on 
a  new  loveliness  when  they  were  delivering  them.  He 
said,  softly: 

"It  is  a  pity  he  could  not  know  what  a  gracious 


The  American  Claimant  195 

impression  his  behavior  was  going  to  leave  with  the 
dearest  and  sweetest  stranger  in  the  land  of  — ' ' 

*'  Oh,  I  almost  loved  him!  Why,  I  think  of  him 
every  day.  He  is  always  floating  about  in  my  mind." 

Tracy  felt  that  this  was  a  little  more  than  was  neces- 
sary. He  was  conscious  of  the  sting  of  jealousy.  He 
said: 

* '  It  is  quite  right  to  think  of  him  —  at  least,  now 
and  then  —  that  is,  at  intervals  —  in  perhaps  an  admir- 
ing way  —  but  it  seems  to  me  that — " 

11  Howard  Tracy,  are  you  jealous  of  that  dead  man?" 

He  was  ashamed  —  and  at  the  same  time  not 
ashamed.  He  was  jealous  —  and  at  the  same  time  he 
was  not  jealous.  In  a  sense  the  dead  man  was  him- 
self; in  that  case  compliments  and  affection  lavished 
upon  that  corpse  went  into  his  own  till  and  were  clear 
profit.  But  in  another  sense  the  dead  man  was  not 
himself ;  and  in  that  case  all  compliments  and  affection 
lavished  there  were  wasted,  and  a  sufficient  basis  for 
jealousy.  A  tiff  was  the  result  of  the  dispute  between 
the  two.  Then  they  made  it  up,  and  were  more  loving 
than  ever.  As  an  affectionate  clincher  of  the  recon- 
ciliation, Sally  declared  that  she  had  now  banished 
Lord  Berkeley  from  her  mind;  and  added,  "And  in 
order  to  make  sure  that  he  shall  never  make  trouble 
between  us  again,  I  will  teach  myself  to  detest  that 
name  and  all  that  have  ever  borne  it  or  ever  shall  bear 
it." 

This  inflicted  another  pang,  and  Tracy  was  minded 
to  ask  her  to  modify  that  a  little  —  just  on  general 
principles,  and  as  practice  in  not  overdoing  a  good 
thing  —  perhaps  he  might  better  leave  things  as  they 
were  and  not  risk  bringing  on  another  tiff.  He  got 
away  from  that  particular,  and  sought  less  tender 
ground  for  conversation. 

"  I  suppose  you  disapprove  wholly  of  aristocracies 

M*** 


196  The  American  Claimant 

and  nobilities,  now  that  you  have  renounced  your  title 
and  your  father's  earldom?" 

"  Real  ones?  Oh,  dear  no;  but  I've  thrown  aside 
our  sham  one  for  good." 

This  answer  fell  just  at  the  right  time  and  just  in  the 
right  place  to  save  the  poor,  unstable  young  man  from 
changing  his  political  complexion  once  more.  He  had 
been  on  the  point  of  beginning  to  totter  again,  but  this 
prop  shored  him  up  and  kept  him  from  floundering 
back  into  democracy  and  re-renouncing  aristocracy. 
So  he  went  home  glad  that  he  had  asked  the  fortunate 
question.  The  girl  would  accept  a  little  thing  like  a 
genuine  earldom;  she  was  merely  prejudiced  against 
the  brummagem  article.  Yes,  he  could  have  his  girl 
and  have  his  earldom,  too;  that  question  was  a  fortu- 
nate stroke. 

Sally  went  to  bed  happy,  too ;  and  remained  happy, 
deliriously  happy,  for  nearly  two  hours ;  but  at  last, 
just  as  she  was  sinking  into  a  contented  and  luxurious 
unconsciousness,  the  shady  devil  who  lives  and  lurks 
and  hides  and  watches  inside  of  human  beings  and  is 
always  waiting  for  a  chance  to  do  the  proprietor  a 
malicious  damage,  whispered  to  her  soul  and  said, 
44  That  question  had  a  harmless  look,  but  what  was 
back  of  it  ?  —  what  was  the  secret  motive  of  it  ?  —  what 
suggested  it?" 

The  shady  devil  had  knifed  her,  and  could  retire 
now  and  take  a  rest ;  the  wound  would  attend  to  busi- 
ness for  him.  And  it  did. 

Why  should  Howard  Tracy  ask  that  question?  If 
he  was  not  trying  to  marry  her  for  the  sake  of  her 
rank,  what  should  suggest  that  question  to  him? 
Didn't  he  plainly  look  gratified  when  she  said  her  ob- 
jections to  aristocracy  had  their  limitations?  Ah,  he  is 
after  that  earldom,  that  gilded  sham  —  it  isn't  poor  me 
he  wants. 


The  American  Claimant  197 

So  she  argued,  in  anguish  and  tears.  Then  she 
argued  the  opposite  theory,  but  made  a  weak,  poor 
business  of  it,  and  lost  the  case.  She  kept  the  arguing 
up,  one  side  and  then  the  other,  the  rest  of  the  night, 
and  at  last  fell  asleep  at  dawn;  fell  in  the  fire  at  dawn, 
one  may  say;  for  that  kind  of  sleep  resembles  fire, 
and  one  comes  out  of  it  with  his  brain  baked  and  his 
physical  forces  fried  out  of  him. 


CHAPTER   XXIII. 

TRACY  wrote  his  father  before  he  sought  his  bed. 
He  wrote  a  letter  which  he  believed  would  get 
better  treatment  than  his  cablegram  received,  for  it 
contained  what  ought  to  be  welcome  news:  namely, 
that  he  had  tried  equality  and  working  for  a  living ; 
had  made  a  fight  which  he  could  find  no  reason  to  be 
ashamed  of,  and  in  the  matter  of  earning  a  living  had 
proved  that  he  was  able  to  do  it ;  but  that  on  the  whole 
he  had  arrived  at  the  conclusion  that  he  could  not  re- 
form the  world  single-handed,  and  was  willing  to  retire 
from  the. conflict  with  the  fair  degree  of  honor  which 
he  had  gained,  and  was  also  willing  to  return  home  and 
resume  his  position  and  be  content  with  it  and  thankful 
for  it  for  the  future,  leaving  further  experiment  of  a 
missionary  sort  to  other  young  people  needing  the 
chastening  and  quelling  persuasions  of  experience,  the 
only  logic  sure  to  convince  a  diseased  imagination  and 
restore  it  to  rugged  health.  Then  he  approached  the 
subject  of  marriage  with  the  daughter  of  the  American 
Claimant  with  a  good  deal  of  caution  and  much  pains- 
taking art.  He  said  praiseful  and  appreciative  things 
about  the  girl,  but  didn't  dwell  upon  that  detail  or 
make  it  prominent.  The  thing  which  he  made  promi- 
nent was  the  opportunity  now  so  happily  afforded  to 
reconcile  York  and  Lancaster,  graft  the  warring  roses 
upon  one  stem,  and  end  forever  a  crying  injustice 
which  had  already  lasted  far  too  long.  One  could 

(198) 


The  American  Claimant  199 

infer  that  he  had  thought  this  thing  all  out  and  chosen 
this  way  of  making  all  things  fair  and  right  because  it 
was  sufficiently  fair  and  considerably  wiser  than  the 
renunciation  scheme  which  he  had  brought  with  him 
from  England.  One  could  infer  that,  but  he  didn't 
say  it.  In  fact,  the  more  he  read  his  letter  over,  the 
more  he  got  to  inferring  it  himself. 

When  the  old  earl  received  that  letter  the  firs.t  part 
of  it  filled  him  with  a  grim  and  snarly  satisfaction ;  but 
the  rest  of  it  brought  a  snort  or  two  out  of  him  that 
could  be  translated  differently.  He  wasted  no  ink  in 
this  emergency,  either  in  cablegrams  or  letters;  he 
promptly  took  ship  for  America  to  look  into  the  matter 
himself.  He  had  stanchly  held  his  grip  all  this  long 
time,  and  given  no  sign  of  the  hunger  at  his  heart  to 
see  his  son ;  hoping  for  the  cure  of  his  insane  dream, 
and  resolute  that  the  process  should  go  through  all  the 
necessary  stages  without  assuaging  telegrams  or  other 
nonsense  from  home,  and  here  was  victory  at  last  — 
victory,  but  stupidly  marred  by  this  idiotic  marriage 
project.  Yes,  he  would  step  over  and  take  a  hand  in 
this  matter  himself. 

During  the  first  ten  days  following  the  mailing  of  the 
letter  Tracy's  spirits  had  no  idle  time;  they  were 
always  climbing  up  into  the  clouds  or  sliding  down 
into  the  earth  as  deep  as  the  law  of  gravitation  reached. 
He  was  intensely  happy  or  intensely  miserable  by 
turns,  according  to  Miss  Sally's  moods.  He  never 
could  tell  when  the  mood  was  going  to  change,  and 
when  it  changed  he  couldn't  tell  what  it  was  that  had 
changed  it.  Sometimes  she  was  so  in  love  with  him 
that  her  love  was  tropical,  torrid,  and  she  could  find 
no  language  fervent  enough  for  its  expression;  then 
suddenly,  and  without  warning  or  any  apparent  reason, 
the  weather  would  change,  and  the  victim  would  find 
himself  adrift  among  the  icebergs  and  feeling  as  lone- 


200  The  American  Claimant 

some  and  friendless  as  the  north  pole.  It  sometimes 
seemed  to  him  that  a  man  might  better  be  dead  than 
exposed  to  these  devastating  varieties  of  climate. 

The  case  was  simple.  Sally  wanted  to  believe  that 
Tracy's  preference  was  disinterested  ;  so  she  was  always 
applying  little  tests  of  one  sort  or  another,  hoping  and 
expecting  that  they  would  bring  out  evidence  which 
would  confirm  or  fortify  her  belief.  Poor  Tracy  did 
not  know  that  these  experiments  were  being  made 
upon  him,  consequently  he  walked  promptly  into  all 
the  traps  the  girl  set  for  him.  These  traps  consisted 
in  apparently  casual  references  to  social  distinction, 
aristocratic  title  and  privilege,  and  such  things.  Often 
Tracy  responded  to  these  references  heedlessly  and  not 
much  caring  what  he  said,  provided  it  kept  the  talk 
going  and  prolonged  the  stance.  He  didn't  suspect 
that  the  girl  was  watching  his  face  and  listening  for  his 
words  as  one  who  watches  the  judge's  face  and  listens 
for  the  words  which  will  restore  him  to  home  and 
friends  and  freedom,  or  shut  him  away  from  the  sun 
and  human  companionship  forever.  He  didn't  suspect 
that  his  careless  words  were  being  weighed,  and  so  he 
often  delivered  sentence  of  death  when  it  would  have 
been  just  as  handy  and  all  the  same  to  him  to  pro- 
nounce acquittal.  Daily  he  broke  the  girl's  heart, 
nightly  he  sent  her  to  the  rack  for  sleep.  He  couldn't 
understand  it. 

Some  people  would  have  put  this  and  that  together 
and  perceived  that  the  weather  never  changed  until  one 
particular  subject  was  introduced,  and  that  then  it 
always  changed.  And  they  would  have  looked  further, 
and  perceived  that  that  subject  was  always  introduced 
by  the  one  party,  never  the  other.  They  would  have 
argued  then  that  this  was  done  for  a  purpose.  If  they 
could  not  find  out  what  that  purpose  was  in  any  simpler 
or  easier  way  they  would  ask. 


The  American  Claimant  201 

But  Tracy  was  not  deep  enough  or  suspicious  enough 
to  think  of  these  things.  He  noticed  only  one  particu- 
lar :  that  the  weather  was  always  sunny  when  a  visit 
began.  No  matter  how  much  it  might  cloud  up  later, 
it  always  began  with  a  clear  sky.  He  couldn't  explain 
this  curious  fact  to  himself;  he  merely  knew  it  to  be  a 
fact.  The  truth  of  the  matter  was  that  by  the  time 
Tracy  had  been  out  of  Sally's  sight  six  hours  she  was 
so  famishing  for  a  sight  of  him  that  her  doubts  and 
suspicions  were  all  consumed  away  in  the  fire  of  that 
longing,  and  so  always  she  came  into  his  presence  as 
surprisingly  radiant  and  joyous  as  she  wasn't  when  she 
went  out  of  it. 

In  circumstances  like  these  a  growing  portrait  runs  a 
good  many  risks.  The  portrait  of  Sellers,  by  Tracy, 
was  fighting  along  day  by  day  through  this  mixed 
weather,  and  daily  adding  to  itself  ineradicable  signs  of 
the  checkered  lifev  it  was  leading.  It  was  the  happiest 
portrait,  in  spots,  that  was  ever  seen ;  but  in  other 
spots  a  damned  soul  looked  out  from  it;  a  soul  that 
was  suffering  all  the  different  kinds  of  distress  there 
are,  from  stomach-ache  to  rabies.  But  Sellers  liked  it. 
He  said  it  was  just  himself  all  over  —  a  portrait  that 
sweated  moods  from  every  pore,  and  no  two  moods 
alike.  He  said  he  had  as  many  different  kinds  of 
emotions  in  him  as  a  jug. 

It  was  a  kind  of  a  deadly  work  of  art,  rnaybe,  but  it 
was  a  starchy  picture  for  show;  for  it  was  life-size,  full 
length,  and  represented  the  American  earl  in  a  peer's 
scarlet  robe,  with  the  three  ermine  bars  indicative  of  an 
earl's  rank,  and  on  the  gray  head  an  earl's  coronet 
tilted  just  a  wee  bit  to  one  side  in  a  most  gallus  and 
winsome  way.  When  Sally's  weather  was  sunny  the 
portrait  made  Tracy  chuckle,  but  when  her  weather 
was  overcast  it  disordered  his  mind  and  stopped  the 
circulation  of  his  blood. 


202  The  American  Claimant 

Late  one  night  when  the  sweethearts  had  been  having 
a  flawless  visit  together,  Sally's  interior  devil  began  to 
work  his  specialty,  and  soon  the  conversation  was 
drifting  towards  the  customary  rock.  Presently,  in  the 
midst  of  Tracy's  serene  flow  of  talk,  he  felt  a  shudder 
which  he  knew  was  not  his  shudder,  but  exterior  to  his 
breast  although  immediately  against  it.  After  the 
shudder  came  sobs :  Sally  was  crying. 

"  Oh,  my  darling,  what  have  I  done  —  what  have  I 
said  ?  It  has  happened  again !  What  have  I  done  to 
wound  you?" 

She  disengaged  herself  from  his  arms  and  gave  him 
a  look  of  deep  reproach. 

'  *  What  have  you  done  ?  I  will  tell  you  what  you 
have  done.  You  have  unwittingly  revealed  —  oh,  for 
the  twentieth  time,  though  I  coiild  not  believe  it,  would 
not  believe  it !  —  that  it  is  not  me  you  love,  but  that 
foolish  sham,  my  father's  imitation  earldom;  and  you 
have  broken  my  heart ! ' ' 

"Oh,  my  child,  what  are  you  saying?  I  never 
dreamed  of  such  a  thing  ! ' ' 

lt  Oh,  Howard!  Howard!  the  things  you  have  ut- 
tered when  you  were  forgetting  to  guard  your  tongue 
have  betrayed  you  ! " 

4  Things  I  have  uttered  when  I  was  forgetting  to 
guard  my  tongue?  These  are  hard  words.  When 
have  I  remembered  to  guard  it?  Never  in  one  instance. 
It  has  no  office  but  to  speak  the  truth.  It  needs  no 
guarding  for  that." 

"  Howard,  I  have  noted  your  words  and  weighed 
them  when  you  were  not  thinking  of  their  significance 
—  and  they  have  told  me  more  than  you  meant  they 
should." 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  you  have  answered  the  trust 
I  had  in  you  by  using  it  as  an  ambuscade  from  which 
you  could  set  snares  for  my  unsuspecting  tongue  and 


The  American  Claimant  203 

be  safe  from  detection  while  you  did  it?  You  have 
not  done  this  —  surely  you  have  not  done  this  thing. 
Oh,  one's  enemy  could  not  do  it!" 

This  was  an  aspect  of  the  girl's  conduct  which  she 
had  not  clearly  perceived  before.  Was  it  treachery? 
Had  she  abused  a  trust?  The  thought  crimsoned  her 
cheeks  with  shame  and  remorse. 

"Oh,  forgive  me,"  she  said;  "I  did  not  know 
what  I  was  doing.  I  have  been  so  tortured  —  you  will 
forgive  me,  you  must ;  I  have  suffered  so  much,  and  I 
am  so  sorry  and  so  humble ;  you  do  forgive  me,  dorit 
you?  Don't  turn  away,  don't  refuse  me;  it  is  only 
my  love  that  is  at  fault,  and  you  know  I  love  you  — • 
love  you  with  all  my  heart;  I  couldn't  bear  to  —  oh, 
dear,  dear,  I  am  so  miserable,  and  I  never  meant  any 
harm,  and  I  didn't  see  where  this  insanity  was  carrying 
me,  and  how  it  was  wronging  and  abusing  the  dearest 
heart  in  all  the  world  to  me  —  and  —  and  —  oh,  take 
me  in  your  arms  again;  I  have  no  other  refuge,  no 
other  home  and  hope!" 

There  was  reconciliation  again  —  immediate,  perfect, 
all-embracing — and  with  it  utter  happiness.  This 
would  have  been  a  good  time  to  adjourn.  But  no, 
now  that  the  cloud-breeder  was  revealed  at  last ;  now 
that  it  was  manifest  that  all  the  sour  weather  had  come 
from  this  girl's  dread  that  Tracy  was  lured  by  her  rank 
and  not  herself,  he  resolved  to  lay  that  ghost  imme- 
diately and  permanently  by  furnishing  the  best  possible 
proof  that  he  couldrit  have  had  back  of  him  at  any 
time  the  suspected  motive.  So  he  said : 

' '  Let  me  whisper  a  little  secret  in  your  ear  —  a 
secret  which  I  have  kept  shut  up  in  my  breast  all  this 
time.  Your  rank  couldn't  ever  have  been  an  entice- 
ment. I  am  son  and  heir  to  an  English  earl !" 

The  girl  stared  at  him  —  one,  two,  three  moments, 
maybe  a  dozen  —  then  her  lips  parted. 


204  The  American  Claimant 

'  You?"  she  said,  and  moved  away  from  him,  still 
gazing  at  him  in  a  kind  of  blank  amazement. 

'  Why  —  why,  certainly  I  am.  Why  do  you  act 
like  this?  What  have  I  done  now  ?" 

1  What  have  you  done  ?  You  have  certainly  made  a 
most  strange  statement.  You  must  see  that  yourself." 

"Well,"  with  a  timid  little  laugh,  "  it  may  be  a 
strange  enough  statement ;  but  of  what  consequence  is 
that  if  it  is  true?" 

"  If  it  is  true.     You  are  already  retiring  from  it." 

"  Oh,  not  for  a  moment !  You  should  not  say  that. 
I  have  not  deserved  it.  I  have  spoken  the  truth ;  why 
do  you  doubt  it?" 

Her  reply  was  prompt. 

14  Simply  because  you  didn't  speak  it  earlier." 

"  Oh!"  It  wasn't  a  groan  exactly,  but  it  was  an 
intelligible  enough  expression  of  the  fact  that  he  saw 
the  point  and  recognized  that  there  was  reason  in  it. 

'  You  have  seemed  to  conceal  nothing  from  me  that 
I  ought  to  know  concerning  yourself,  and  you  were  not 
privileged  to  keep  back  such  a  thing  as  this  from  me  a 
moment  after  —  after  —  well,  after  you  had  determined 
to  pay  your  court  to  me." 

"  It's  true,  it's  true,  I  know  it!  But  there  were 
circumstances  —  in  —  in  the  way  —  circumstances 
which—" 

She  waved  the  circumstances  aside. 
*  Well,  you  see,"  he  said,  pleadingly,  "  you  seemed 
so  bent  on  our  traveling  the  proud  path  of  honest  labor 
and  honorable  poverty  that  I  was  terrified  —  that  is,  I 
was  afraid  —  of  —  of  —  well,  you  know  how  you 
talked." 

"  Yes,  I  know  how  I  talked.  And  I  also  know  that 
before  the  talk  was  finished  you  inquired  how  I  stood 
as  regards  aristocracies,  and  my  answer  was  calculated 
to  relieve  your  fears." 


The  American  Claimant  205 

He  was  silent  a  while.  Then  he  said,  in  a  discour- 
aged way: 

"  I  don't  see  any  way  out  of  it.  It  was  a  mistake. 
That  is  in  truth  all  it  was,  just  a  mistake.  No  harm 
was  meant,  no  harm  in  the  world.  I  didn't  see  how  it 
might  some  time  look.  It  is  my  way.  I  don't  seem 
to  see  far." 

The  girl  was  almost  disarmed  for  a  moment.  Then 
she  flared  up  again. 

11  An  earl's  son!  Do  earls'  sons  go  about  working 
in  lowly  callings  for  their  bread  and  butter?" 

"  God  knows  they  don't !     I  have  wished  they  did." 

"  Do  earls'  sons  sink  their  degree  in  a  country  like 
this,  and  come  sober  and  decent  to  sue  for  the  hand  of 
a  born  child  of  poverty  when  they  can  go  drunk,  pro- 
fane, and  steeped  in  dishonorable  debt  and  buy  the 
pick  and  choice  of  the  millionaires'  daughters  of 
America?  You  an  earl's  son!  Show  me  the  signs." 

'*  I  thank  God  I  am  not  able  — if  those  are  the 
signs.  But  yet  I  am  an  earl's  son  and  heir.  It  is  all 
I  can  say.  I  wish  you  would  believe  me,  but  you  will 
not.  I  know  no  way  to  persuade  you." 

She  was  about  to  soften  again,  but  his  closing  re- 
mark  made  her  bring  her  foot  down  with  smart  vexa- 
tion, and  she  cried  out: 

*' Oh,  you  drive  all  patience  out  of  me!  Would 
you  have  one  believe  that  you  haven't  your  proofs  at 
hand,  and  yet  are  what  you  say  you  are?  You  do 
not  put  your  hand  in  your  pocket  now  —  for  you  have 
nothing  there.  You  make  a  claim  like  this,  and  then 
venture  to  travel  without  credentials.  These  are  simply 
incredibilities.  Don't  you  see  that  yourself?" 

He  cast  about  in  his  mind  for  a  defense  of  some 
kind  or  other  —  hesitated  a  little,  and  then  said,  with 
difficulty  and  diffidence : 

14  I  will  tell  you  just  the  truth,  foolish  as  it  will  seem 

I4A 


206  The  American  Claimant 

to  you  —  to  anybody,  I  suppose  —  but  it  is  the  truth. 
I  had  an  ideal  —  call  it  a  dream,  a  folly,  if  you  will  — 
but  I  wanted  to  renounce  the  privileges  and  unfair  ad- 
vantages enjoyed  by  the  nobility  and  wrung  from  the 
nation  by  force  and  fraud,  and  purge  myself  of  my 
share  of  those  crimes  against  right  and  reason  by 
thenceforth  comrading  with  the  poor  and  humble  on 
equal  terms,  earning  with  my  own  hands  the  bread  I 
ate,  and  rising  by  my  own  merit  if  I  rose  at  all." 

The  young  girl  scanned  his  face  narrowly  while  he 
spoke ;  and  there  was  something  about  his  simplicity 
of  manner  and  statement  which  touched  her  —  touched 
her  almost  to  the  danger  point;  but  she  set  her  grip 
on  the  yielding  spirit  and  choked  it  to  quiescence ;  it 
could  not  be  wise  to  surrender  to  compassion  or  any 
kind  of  sentiment  yet ;  she  must  ask  one  or  two  more 
questions.  Tracy  was  reading  her  face;  and  what  he 
read  there  lifted  his  drooping  hopes  a  little. 

44  An  earl's  son  to  do  that!  Why,  he  were  a  man! 
A  man  to  love !  —  oh,  more,  a  man  to  worship !" 

44  Why,  I—" 

14  But  he  never  lived!  He  is  not  born,  he  will  not 
be  born.  The  self-abnegation  that  could  do  that  — 
even  in  utter  folly,  and  hopeless  of  conveying  benefit 
to  any,  beyond  the  mere  example  —  could  be  mistaken 
for  greatness ;  why,  it  would  be  greatness  in  this  cold 
age  of  sordid  ideals  !  A  moment  —  wait  —  let  me 
finish ;  I  have  one  question  more.  Your  father  is  earl 
of  what?" 

14  Rossmore  —  and  I  am  Viscount  Berkeley." 

The  fat  was  in  the  fire  again.  The  girl  felt  so  out- 
raged that  it  was  difficult  for  her  to  speak. 

44  How  can  you  venture  such  a  brazen  thing!  You 
know  that  he  is  dead,  and  you  know  that  I  know  it. 
Oh,  to  rob  the  living  of  name  and  honors  for  a  selfish 
and  temporary  advantage  is  crime  enough,  but  to  rob 


The  American  Claimant  207 

the  defenseless  dead  —  why,  it  is  more  than  crime :  it 
degrades  crime  ! ' ' 

ts  Oh,  listen  to  me  — -  just  a  word  —  don't  turn  away 
like  that.  Don't  go  —  don't  leave  me  so  —  stay  one 
moment.  On  my  honor — " 

"  Oh,  on  your  honor !" 

* '  On  my  honor  I  am  what  I  say !  And  I  will  prove 
it,  and  you  will  believe,  I  know  you  will.  I  will  bring 
you  a  message  —  a  cablegram  — ' ' 

"When?" 

'  To-morrow  —  next  day  — " 

"  Signed  '  Rossmore  '?" 

"  Yes  —  signed  Rossmore." 

"  What  will  that  prove?" 

"  What  will  it  prove?     What  should  it  prove?" 

4  *  If  you  force  me  to  say  it  —  possibly  the  presence 
of  a  confederate  somewhere." 

This  was  a  hard  blow,  and  staggered  him.  He  said, 
dejectedly : 

"  It  is  true.  I  did  not  think  of  it.  Oh,  my  God,  I 
do  not  know  any  way  to  do ;  I  do  everything  wrong. 
You  are  going?  —  and  you  won't  say  even  good  night 

—  or    good-bye?     Ah,  we    have    not   parted  like  this 
before." 

"  Oh,  I  want  to  run  and  —  no,  go  now."      A  pause 

—  then  she  said,  "  You  may  bring  the  message  when 
it  comes." 

"  Oh,  may  I?     God  bless  you." 

He  was  gone;  and  none  too  soon;  her  lips  were 
already  quivering,  and  now  she  broke  down.  Through 
her  sobbings  her  words  broke  from  time  to  time. 

"  Oh,  he  is  gone.  I  have  lost  him,  I  shall  never  see 
him  any  more.  And  he  didn't  kiss  me  good-bye; 
never  even  offered  to  force  a  kiss  from  me,  and  he 
knowing  it  was  the  very,  very  last,  and  I  expecting  he 
would,  and  never  dreaming  he  would  treat  me  so  after 


208  The  American  Claimant 

all  we  have  been  to  each  other.  Oh,  oh,  oh,  oh,  what 
shall  I  do,  what  shall  I  do?  He  is  a  dear,  poor, 
miserable,  good-hearted,  transparent  liar  and  humbug, 
but  oh,  I  do  love  him  so!"  After  a  little  she  broke 
into  speech  again.  "How  dear  he  is!  and  I  shall 
miss  him  so,  I  shall  miss  him  so !  Why  won't  he  ever 
think  to  forge  a  message  and  fetch  it?  —  but  no,  he 
never  will,  he  never  thinks  of  anything;  he's  so  honest 
and  simple  it  wouldn't  ever  occur  to  him.  Oh,  what 
did  possess  him  to  think  he  could  succeed  as  a  fraud  — 
and  he  hasn't  the  first  requisite  except  duplicity  that  I 
can  see.  Oh,  dear,  I'll  go  to  bed  and  give  it  all  up. 
Oh,  I  wish  I  had  told  him  to  come  and  tell  me  when- 
ever he  didn't  get  any  telegram  —  and  now  it's  all  my 
own  fault  if  I  never  see  him  again.  How  my  eyes 
must  look!" 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

NEXT  day,  sure  enough,  the  cablegram  didn't  come. 
This  was  an  immense  disaster ;  for  Tracy  couldn't 
go  into  the  presence  without  that  ticket,  although  it 
wasn't  going  to  possess  any  value  as  evidence.  But  if 
the  failure  of  the  cablegram  on  that  first  day  may  be 
called  an  immense  disaster,  where  is  the  dictionary  that 
can  turn  out  a  phrase  sizable  enough  to  describe  the 
tenth  day's  failure?  Of  course  every  day  that  the 
cablegram  didn't  come  made  Tracy  all  of  twenty-four 
hours  more  ashamed  of  himself  than  he  was  the  day 
before,  and  made  Sally  fully  twenty-four  hours  more 
certain  than  ever  that  he  not  only  hadn't  any  father 
anywhere,  but  hadn't  even  a  confederate  —  and  so  it 
followed  that  he  was  a  double-dyed  humbug,  and 
couldn't  be  otherwise. 

These  were  hard  days  for  Barrow  and  the  art  firm. 
All  these  had  their  hands  full  trying  to  comfort  Tracy. 
Barrow's  task  was  particularly  hard,  because  he  was 
made  a  confidant  in  full,  and  therefore  had  to  humor 
Tracy's  delusion  that  he  had  a  father,  and  that  the 
father  was  an  earl,  and  that  he  was  going  to  send  a 
cablegram.  Barrow  early  gave  up  the  idea  of  trying 
to  convince  Tracy  that  he  hadn't  any  father,  because 
this  had  such  a  bad  effect  on  the  patient,  and  worked 
up  his  temper  to  such  an  alarming  degree.  He  had 
tried,  as  an  experiment,  letting  Tracy  think  he  had  a 
father ;  the  result  was  so  good  that  he  went  further, 
14***  •  (209) 


210  The  American  Claimant 

with  proper  caution,  and  tried  letting  him  think  his 
father  was  an  earl ;  this  wrought  so  well  that  he  grew 
bold,  and  tried  letting  him  think  he  had  two  fathers,  if 
he  wanted  to,  but  he  didn't  want  to,  so  Barrow  with- 
drew one  of  them  and  substituted  letting  him  think  he 
was  going  to  get  a  cablegram  —  which  Barrow  judged 
he  wouldn't,  and  was  right;  but  Barrow  worked  the 
cablegram  daily  for  all  it  was  worth,  and  it  was  the  one 
thing  that  kept  Tracy  alive ;  that  was  Barrow's  opinion. 
And  these  were  bitter,  hard  days  for  poor  Sally,  and 
mainly  delivered  up  to  private  crying.  She  kept  her 
furniture  pretty  damp,  and  so  caught  cold,  and  the 
dampness  and  the  cold  and  the  sorrow  together  under- 
mined her  appetite,  and  she  was  a  pitiful  enough  ob- 
ject, poor  thing !  Her  state  was  bad  enough,  as  per 
statement  of  it  above  quoted ;  but  all  the  forces  of 
nature  and  circumstance  seemed  conspiring  to  make  it 
worse  —  and  succeeding.  For  instance,  the  morning 
after  her  dismissal  of  Tracy,  Hawkins  and  Sellers  read 
in  the  Associated  Press  dispatches  that  a  toy  puzzle 
called  Pigs  in  the  Clover  had  come  into  sudden  favor 
within  the  past  few  weeks,  and  that  from  the  Atlantic 
to  the  Pacific  all  the  populations  of  all  the  States  had 
knocked  off  work  to  play  with  it,  and  that  the  business 
of  the  country  had  now  come  to  a  standstill  by  conse- 
quence; that  judges,  lawyers,  burglars,  parsons, 
thieves,  merchants,  mechanics,  murderers,  women, 
children,  babies  —  everybody,  indeed,  could  be  seen 
from  morning  till  midnight  absorbed  in  one  deep  pro- 
ject and  purpose,  and  only  one:  to  pen  those  pigs, 
work  out  that  puzzle  successfully ;  that  all  gayety,  all 
cheerfulness,  had  departed  from  the  nation,  and  in  its 
place  care,  preoccupation,  and  anxiety  sat  upon  every 
countenance,  and  all  faces  were  drawn,  distressed,  and 
furrowed  with  the  signs  of  age  and  trouble,  and  marked 
with  the  still  sadder  signs  of  mental  decay  and  incipient 


The  American  Claimant  211 

madness ;  that  factories  were  at  work  night  and  day  in 
eight  cities,  and  yet  to  supply  the  demand  for  the 
puzzle  was  thus  far  impossible.  Hawkins  was  wild 
with  joy,  but  Sellers  was  calm.  Small  matters  could 
not  disturb  his  serenity.  He  said : 

"  That's  just  the  way  things  go.  A  man  invents  a 
thing  which  could  revolutionize  the  arts,  produce 
mountains  of  money,  and  bless  the  earth,  and  who 
will  bother  with  it  or  show  any  interest  in  it?  —  and 
so  you  are  just  as  poor  as  you  were  before.  But  you 
invent  some  worthless  thing  to  amuse  yourself  with, 
and  would  throw  it  away  if  let  alone,  and  all  of  a 
sudden  the  whole  world  makes  a  snatch  for  it  and  out 
crops  a  fortune.  Hunt  up  that  Yankee  and  collect, 
Hawkins  —  half  is  yours,  you  know.  Leave  me  to 
potter  at  my  lecture." 

This  was  a  temperance  lecture.  Sellers  was  head 
chief  in  the  Temperance  camp,  and  had  lectured,  now 
and  then,  in  that  interest,  but  had  been  dissatisfied 
with  his  efforts ;  wherefore  he  was  now  about  to  try  a 
new  plan.  After  much  thought  he  had  concluded  that 
a  main  reason  why  his  lectures  lacked  fire  or  some- 
thing was  that  they  were  too  transparently  amateurish ; 
that  is  to  say,  it  was  probably  too  plainly  perceptible 
that  the  lecturer  was  trying  to  tell  people  about  the 
horrid  effects  of  liquor  when  he  didn't  really  know 
anything  about  those  effects  except  from  hearsay,  since 
he  had  hardly  ever  tasted  an  intoxicant  in  his  life. 
His  scheme  now  was  to  prepare  himself  to  speak  from 
bitter  experience.  Hawkins  was  to  stand  by  with  the 
bottle,  calculate  the  doses,  watch  the  effects,  make 
notes  of  results,  and  otherwise  assist  in  the  prepara- 
tion. Time  was  short,  for  the  ladies  would  be  along 
about  noon  —  that  is  to  say,  the  temperance  organiza- 
tion called  the  Daughters  of  Siloam  —  and  Sellers 
must  be  ready  to  head  the  procession. 


212  The  American  Claimant 

The  time  kept  slipping  along — Hawkins  did  not 
return  —  Sellers  could  not  venture  to  wait  longer ;  so 
he  attacked  the  bottle  himself,  and  proceeded  to  note 
the  effects.  Hawkins  got  back  at  last ;  took  one  com- 
prehensive glance  at  the  lecturer,  and  went  down  and 
headed  off  the  procession.  The  ladies  were  grieved  to 
hear  that  the  champion  had  been  taken  suddenly  ill 
and  violently  so,  but  glad  to  hear  that  it  was  hoped  he 
would  be  out  again  in  a  few  days. 

As  it  turned  out,  the  old  gentleman  didn't  turn  over 
or  show  any  signs  of  life  worth  speaking  of  for  twenty- 
four  hours.  Then  he  asked  after  the  procession,  and 
learned  what  had  happened  about  it.  He  was  sorry ; 
said  he  had  been  *'  fixed  "  for  it.  He  remained  abed 
several  days,  and  his  wife  and  daughter  took  turns  in 
sitting  with  him  and  ministering  to  his  wants.  Often 
he  patted  Sally's  head  and  tried  to  comfort  her. 

"  Don't  cry,  my  child,  don't  cry  so;  you  know  your 
old  father  did  it  by  mistake,  and  didn't  mean  a  bit  of 
harm;  you  know  he  wouldn't  intentionally  do  any- 
thing to  make  you  ashamed  for  the  world ;  you  know 
he  was  trying  to  do  good,  and  only  made  the  mistake 
through  ignorance,  not  knowing  the  right  doses  and 
Washington  not  there  to  help.  Don't  cry  so,  dear,  it 
breaks  my  old  heart  to  see  you,  and  think  I've  brought 
this  humiliation  on  you,  and  you  so  dear  to  me  and  so 
good.  I  won't  ever  do  it  again,  indeed  I  won't;  now 
be  comforted,  honey,  that's  a  good  child." 

But  when  she  wasn't  on  duty  at  the  bedside  the  cry- 
ing went  on  just  the  same ;  then  the  mother  would  try 
to  comfort  her,  and  say : 

'*  Don't  cry,  dear,  he  never  meant  any  harm;  it  was 
all  one  of  those  happens  that  you  can't  guard  against 
when  you  are  trying  experiments  that  way.  You  see, 
I  don't  cry.  It's  because  I  know  him  so  well.  I 
could  never  look  anybody  in  the  face  again  if  he  had 


The  American  Claimant  213 

got  into  such  an  amazing  condition  as  that  a-purpose ; 
but,  bless  you,  his  intention  was  pure  and  high,  and 
that  makes  the  act  pure,  though  it  was  higher  than  was 
necessary.  We're  not  humiliated,  dear;  he  did  it 
under  a  noble  impulse,  and  we  don't  need  to  be 
ashamed.  There,  don't  cry  any  more,  honey." 

Thus  the  old  gentleman  was  useful  to  Sally  during 
several  days  as  an  explanation  of  her  tearfulness.  She 
felt  thankful  to  him  for  the  shelter  he  was  affording 
her,  but  often  said  to  herself,  "  It's  a  shame  to  let  him 
see  in  my  crying  a  reproach  —  as  if  he  could  ever  do 
anything  that  could  make  me  reproach  him !  But  I 
can't  confess;  I've  got  to  go  on  using  him  for  a  pre- 
text; he's  the  only  one  I've  got  in  the  world,  and  I  do 
need  one  so  much." 

As  soon  as  Sellers  was  out  again,  and  found  that 
stacks  of  money  had  been  placed  in  bank  for  him  and 
Hawkins  by  the  Yankee,  he  said,  "Now  we'll  soon 
see  who's  the  Claimant  and  who's  the  Authentic.  I'll 
just  go  over  there  and  warm  up  that  House  of  Lords." 
During  the  next  few  days  he  and  his  wife  were  so 
busy  with  preparations  for  the  voyage  that  Sally  had 
all  the  privacy  she  needed,  and  all  the  chance  to  cry 
that  was  good  for  her.  Then  the  old  pair  left  for  New 
York  —  and  England. 

Sally  had  also  had  a  chance  to  do  another  thing. 
That  was,  to  make  up  her  mind  that  life  was  not  worth 
living  upon  the  present  terms.  If  she  must  give  up 
her  impostor  and  die,  doubtless  she  must  submit;  but 
might  she  not  lay  her  whole  case  before  some  disinter- 
ested person  first,  and  see  if  there  wasn't  perhaps  some 
saving  way  out  of  the  matter?  She  turned  this  idea 
over  in  her  mind  a  good  deal.  In  her  first  visit  with 
Hawkins  after  her  parents  were  gone,  the  talk  fell 
upon  Tracy,  and  she  was  impelled  to  set  her  case 
before  the  statesman  and  take  his  counsel.  So  she 


214  The  American  Claimant 

poured  out  her  heart,  and  he  listened  with  painful 
solicitude.  She  concluded,  pleadingly,  with: 

"  Dorit  tell  me  he  is  an  impostor.  I  suppose  he  is, 
but  doesn't  it  look  to  you  as  if  he  isn't?  You  are 
cool,  you  know,  and  outside;  and  so,  maybe  it  can 
look  to  you  as  if  he  isn't  one,  when  it  can't  to  me. 
Doesrit  it  look  to  you  as  if  he  isn't?  Couldn't  you  — 
cant  it  look  to  you  that  way  —  for  —  for  my  sake?" 

The  poor  man  was  troubled,  but  he  felt  obliged  to 
keep  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  truth.  He  fought 
around  the  present  detail  a  little  while,  then  gave  it  up, 
and  said  he  couldn't  see  his  way  to  clearing  Tracy. 

11  No,"  he  said;    "  the  truth  is,  he's  an  impostor." 

"That  is,  you  —  you  feel  a  little  certain,  but  not 
entirely  —  oh,  not  entirely >  Mr.  Hawkins!" 

"It's  a  pity  to  have  to  say  it — I  do  hate  to  say 
it  —  but  I  don't  think  anything  about  it,  I  know  he's 
an  impostor." 

"  Oh,  now,  Mr.  Hawkins,  you  cant  go  that  far.  A 
body  cant  really  know  it,  you  know.  It  isn't  proved 
that  he's  not  what  he  says  he  is." 

Should  he  come  out  and  make  a  clean  breast  of  the 
whole  wretched  business?  Yes  —  at  least,  the  most  of 
it  —  it  ought  to  be  done.  So  he  set  his  teeth  and 
went  at  the  matter  with  determination,  but  purposing 
to  spare  the  girl  one  pain  —  that  of  knowing  that 
Tracy  was  a  criminal. 

"  Now  I  am  going  to  tell  you  a  plain  tale;  one  not 
pleasant  for  me  to  tell  or  for  you  to  hear,  but  we've 
got  to  stand  it.  I  know  all  about  that  fellow,  and  I 
know  he  is  no  earl's  son." 

The  girl's  eyes  flashed,  and  she  said: 

"  I  don't  care  a  snap  for  that —  go  on  !" 

This  was  so  wholly  unexpected  that  it  at  once  ob- 
structed the  narrative ;  Hawkins  was  not  even  sure  that 
he  had  heard  aright.  He  said : 


The  American  Claimant  215 

"  I  don't  know  that  I  quite  understand.  Do  you 
mean  to  say  that  if  he  was  all  right  and  proper  other- 
wise, you'd  be  indifferent  about  the  earl  part  of  the 
business?" 

"Absolutely." 

11  You'd  be  entirely  satisfied  with  him,  and  wouldn't 
care  for  his  not  being  an  earl's  son  —  that  being  an 
earl's  son  wouldn't  add  any  value  to  him?" 

"  Not  the  least  value  that  I  would  care  for.  Why, 
Mr.  Hawkins,  I've  gotten  over  all  that  day-dreaming 
about  earldoms  and  aristocracies  and  all  such  nonsense, 
and  am  become  just  a  plain  ordinary  nobody  and  con- 
tent with  it;  and  it  is  to  him  I  owe  my  cure.  And  as 
to  anything  being  able  to  add  a  value  to  him,  nothing 
can  do  that.  He  is  the  whole  world  to  me,  just  as  he 
is ;  he  comprehends  all  the  values  there  are  —  then 
how  can  you  add  one?" 

"  She's  pretty  far  gone."  He  said  that  to  himself. 
He  continued,  still  to  himself,  "  I  must  change  my 
plan  again ;  I  can't  seem  to  strike  one  that  will  stand 
the  requirements  of  this  most  variegated  emergency 
five  minutes  on  a  stretch.  Without  making  this  fellow 
a  criminal,  I  believe  I  will  invent  a  name  and  a  char- 
acter for  him  calculated  to  disenchant  her.  If  it  fails 
to  do  it,  then  I'll  know  that  the  next  rightest  thing  to 
do  will  be  to  help  her  to  her  fate,  poor  thing,  not 
hinder  her." 

Then  he  said  aloud : 

"Well,  Gwendolen—" 

"I  want  to  be  called  Sally." 

"I'm  glad  of  it;  I  like  it  better  myself.  Well, 
then,  I'll  tell  you  about  this  man  Snodgrass." 

"  Snodgrass  !     Is  that  his  name?" 

"  Yes  —  Snodgrass.    The  other's  his  nom  de plume." 

11  It's  hideous?" 

"  I  know  it  is,  but  we  can't  help  our  names." 


216  The  American  Claimant 

' '  And  that  is  truly  his  real  name  —  and  not  Howard 
Tracy?" 

Hawkins  answered,  regretfully: 
'Yes;   it  seems  a  pity." 

The  girl  sampled  the  name  musingly  once  or  twice : 

"Snodgrass!  Snodgrass !  No,  I  could  not  endure 
that.  I  could  not  get  used  to  it.  No,  I  should  call 
him  by  his  first  name.  What  is  his  first  name?" 

"  His  —  er  —  his  initials  are  S.  M." 

"  His  initials?  I  don't  care  anything  about  his 
initials.  I  can't  call  him  by  his  initials.  What  do 
they  stand  for?" 

'  Well,  you  see,  his  father  was  a  physician,  and 
he  —  he  —  well,  he  was  an  idolater  of  his  profession, 
and  he  —  well,  he  was  a  very  eccentric  man,  and  — " 

"  What  do  they  stand  for?  What  are  you  shuffling 
about?" 

'They  —  well,  they  stand  for  Spinal  Meningitis. 
His  father  being  a  phy — " 

"  I  never  heard  such  an  infamous  name!  Nobody 
can  ever  call  a  person//^ — a  person  they  love.  I 
wouldn't  call  an  enemy  by  such  a  name.  It  sounds 
like  an  epithet."  After  a  moment  she  added,  with  a 
kind  of  consternation,  "  Why,  it  would  be  my  name! 
Letters  would  come  with  it  on." 

"  Yes  —  Mrs.  Spinal  Meningitis  Snodgrass." 

"Don't  repeat  it — don't;  I  can't  bear  it.  Was 
the  father  a  lunatic?" 

"No,  that  is  not  charged." 

"  I  am  glad  of  that,  because  that  is  transmis- 
sible. What  do  you  think  was  the  matter  with  him, 
then?" 

"Well,  I  don't  really  know.  The  family  used  to 
run  a  good  deal  to  idiots,  and  so,  maybe — " 

"  Oh,  there  isn't  any  maybe  about  it.  This  one 
was  an  idiot." 


The  American  Claimant  217 

"Well,  yes  —  he  could  have  been.  He  was  sus- 
pected." 

"  Suspected  !"  said  Sally,  with  irritation.  '  Would 
one  suspect  there  was  going  to  be  a  dark  time  if  he  saw 
the  constellations  fall  out  of  the  sky?  'But  that  is 
enough  about  the  idiot,  I  don't  take  any  interest  in 
idiots;  tell  me  about  the  son.'* 

'  Very  well  then ;  this  one  was  the  eldest,  but  not 
the  favorite.     His  brother,  Zylobalsamum — " 

"Wait — give  me  a  chance  to  realize  that.  It  is 
perfectly  stupefying.  Zylo  —  what  did  you  call  it?" 

"  Zylobalsamum." 

"  I  never  heard  such  a  name.  It  sounds  like  a  dis- 
ease. Is  it  a  disease?" 

"  No,  I  don't  think  it's  a  disease.  It's  either  Scrip- 
tural or — " 

"  Well,  it's  not  Scriptural." 

"  Then  it's  anatomical.  I  knew  it  was  one  or  the 
other.  Yes,  I  remember  now,  it  is  anatomical.  It's  a 
ganglion  —  a  nerve  center  —  it  is  what  is  called  the 
Zylobalsamum  process." 

"Well,  go  on;  and  if  you  come  to  anymore  of 
them,  omit  the  names;  they  make  one  feel  so  uncom- 
fortable." 

"  Very  well,  then.  As  I  said,  this  one  was  not  a 
favorite  in  the  family,  and  so  he  was  neglected  in  every 
way  —  never  sent  to  school,  always  allowed  to  asso- 
ciate with  the  worst  and  coarsest  characters,  and  so  of 
course  he  has  grown  up  a  rude,  vulgar,  ignorant,  dissi- 
pated ruffian,  and — " 

11  He?  It's  no  such  thing!  You  ought  to  be  more 
generous  than  to  make  such  a  statement  as  that  about 
a  poor  young  stranger  who  —  who  —  why,  he  is  the 
very  opposite  of  that !  He  is  considerate,  courteous, 
obliging,  modest,  gentle,  refined,  cultivated  —  ok,  fot 
shame  !  how  can  you  say  such  things  about  him?" 


218  The  American  Claimant 

"  I  don't  blame  you,  Sally — indeed,  I  haven't  a  word 
of  blame  for  you  for  being  blinded  by  your  affection 
—  blinded  to  these  minor  defects  which  are  so  manifest 
to  others  who  — " 

44  Minor  defects?  Do  you  call  these  minor  defects? 
What  are  murder  and  arson,  pray?" 

4  *  It  is  a  difficult  question  to  answer  straight  off  — 
and  of  course  estimates  of  such  things  vary  with  en- 
vironment. With  us,  out  our  way,  they  would  not 
necessarily  attract  as  much  attention  as  with  you,  yet 
they  are  often  regarded  with  disapproval — " 

"  Murder  and  arson  are  regarded  with  disapproval?" 

"  Oh,  frequently/' 

"  With  disapproval !  Who  are  those  Puritans  you 
are  talking  about?  But  wait — how  did  you  come  to 
know  so  much  about  this  family?  Where  did  you  get 
all  this  hearsay  evidence?" 

44  Sally,  it  isn't  hearsay  evidence.  That  is  the  seri- 
ous part  of  it.  I  knew  that  family  —  personally." 

This  was  a  surprise. 

"  You?     You  actually  knew  them?" 

44  Knew  Zylo,  as  we  used  to  call  him,  and  knew  his 
father,  Dr.  Snodgrass.     I  didn't  know  youi  own  Snod- 
grass,  but  have  had  glimpses  of  him  from  time  to  time, 
and  I  heard  about  him  all  the  time.     He  was  the  com 
mon  talk,  you  see,  on  account  of  his — " 

14  On  account  of  his  not  being  a  house-burner  or  an 
assassin,  I  suppose.  That  would  have  made  him 
commonplace.  Where  did  you  know  these  people?" 

44  In  Cherokee  Strip." 

44  Oh,  how  preposterous!  There  are  not  enough 
people  in  Cherokee  Strip  to  give  anybody  a  reputa- 
tion, good  or  bad.  There  isn't  a  quorum.  Why,  the 
whole  population  consists  of  a  couple  of  wagon  loads 
of  horse  thieves." 

Hawkins  answered,  placidly: 


The  American  Claimant  219 

"  Our  friend  was  one  of  those  wagon  loads." 

Sally's  eyes  burned,  and  her  breath  came  quick  and 
fast,  but  she  kept  a  fairly  good  grip  on  her  anger,  and 
did  not  let  it  get  the  advantage  of  her  tongue.  The 
statesman  sat  still  and  waited  for  developments.  He 
was  content  with  his  work.  It  was  as  handsome  a 
piece  of  diplomatic  art  as  he  had  ever  turned  out,  he 
thought;  and  now  let  the  girl  make  her  own  choice. 
He  judged  she  would  let  her  specter  go ;  he  hadn't  a 
doubt  of  it,  in  fact;  but  anyway  let  the  choice  be 
made,  and  he  was  ready  to  ratify  it  and  offer  no  further 
hindrance. 

Meantime  Sally  had  thought  her  case  out  and  made 
up  her  mind.  To  the  Major's  disappointment  the 
verdict  was  against  him.  Sally  said  : 

"  He  has  no  friend  but  me,  and  I  will  not  desert 
him  now.  I  will  not  marry  him  if  his  moral  character 
is  bad;  but  if  he  can  prove  that  it  isn't,  I  will  —  and 
he  shall  have  the  chance.  To  me  he  seems  utterly 
good  and  dear;  I've  never  seen  anything  about  him 
that  looked  otherwise  —  except,  of  course,  his  calling 
himself  an  earl's  son.  Maybe  that  is  only  vanity,  and 
no  real  harm  whe;i  you  get  to  the  bottom  of  it.  I  do 
not  believe  he  is  any  such  person  as  you  have  painted 
him.  I  want  to  see  him.  I  want  you  to  find  him  and 
send  him  to  me.  I  will  implore  him  to  be  honest  with 
me,  and  tell  me  the  whole  truth,  and  not  be  afraid." 

"  Very  well;  if  that  is  your  decision,  I  will  do  it. 
But,  Sally,  you  know  he's  poor,  and — " 

"Oh,  /  don't  care  anything  about  that.  That's 
neither  here  nor  there.  Will  you  bring  him  to  me?" 

"I'll  do  it.     When?" 

"  Oh,  dear,  it's  getting  towards  dark  now,  and  so 
you'll  have  to  put  it  off  till  morning.  But  you  will 
find  him  in  the  morning,  wont  you?  Promise.1 

"  I'll  have  him  here  by  daylight." 


>  > 


220  The  American  Claimant 

l*  Oh,  now  you're  your   own   old  self  again  —  and 

lovelier  than  ever  ! ' ' 

"  I  couldn't  ask  fairer  than  that.     Good-bye,  dear." 
Sally  mused  a  moment  alone;  then  said,  earnestly, 

11  I  love  him  in  spite  of  his  name!"  and  went  about 

her  affairs  with  a  light  heart. 


CHAPTER   XXV. 

HAWKINS  went  straight  to  the  telegraph  office  and 
disburdened  his  conscience.  He  said  to  himself, 
14  She's  not  going  to  give  this  galvanized  cadaver  up, 
that's  plain.  Wild  horses  can't  pull  her  away  from 
him.'  I've  done  my  share;  it's  for  Sellers  to  take  an 
innings  now."  So  he  sent  this  message  to  New  York: 

Come  back.    Hire  special  train.    She"* s going  to  marry  the  materializes* 

Meantime  a  note  came  to  Rossmore  Towers  to  say 
that  the  Earl  of  Rossmore  had  just  arrived  from  Eng- 
land, and  would  do  himself  the  pleasure  of  calling  in 
the  evening.  Sally  said  to  herself,  "It  is  a  pity  he 
didn't  stop  in  New  York;  but  it's  no  matter;  he  can 
go  up  to-morrow  and  see  my  father.  He  has  come 
over  here  to  tomahawk  papa  very  likely,  or  buy  out 
his  claim.  This  thing  would  have  excited  me  a  while 
back,  but  it  has  only  one  interest  for  me  now,  and 
only  one  value.  I  can  say  to  —  to  —  Spine,  Spiny, 
Spinal  —  I  don't  like  way  form  of  that  name! — I 
can  say  to  him  to-morrow,  'Don't  try  to  keep  it  up  any 
more,  or  I  shall  have  to  tell  you  whom  I  have  been 
talking  with  last  night,  and  then  you  will  be  embar- 
rassed.1' 

Tracy  couldn't  know  he  was  to  be  invited  for  the 
morrow,  or  he  might  have  waited.  As  it  was,  he  was 
too  miserable  to  wait  any  longer ;  for  his  last  hope  — 
a  letter  —  had  failed  him.  It  was  fully  due  to-day; 
it  had  not  come.  Had  his  father  really  flung  hiro 

*5A  (221) 


222  The  American  Claimant 

away?  It  looked  so.  It  was  not  like  his  father,  but 
it  surely  looked  so.  His  father  was  a  rather  tough 
nut,  in  truth,  but  had  never  been  so  with  his  son  — 
still,  this  implacable  silence  had  a  calamitous  look. 
Anyway,  Tracy  would  go  to  the  Towers  and  —  then 
what?  He  didn't  know;  his  head  was  tired  out  with 
thinking — he  wouldn't  think  about  what  he  must  do 
or  say  —  let  it  all  take  care  of  itself.  So  that  he  saw 
Sally  once  more  he  would  be  satisfied,  happen  what 
might;  he  wouldn't  care. 

He  hardly  knew  how  he  got  to  the  Towers,  or  when. 
He  knew  and  cared  for  only  one  thing  —  he  was  alone 
with  Sally.  She  was  kind,  she  was  gentle,  there  was 
moisture  in  her  eyes,  and  a  yearning  something  in  her 
face  and  manner  which  she  could  not  wholly  hide  • — 
but  she  kept  her  distance.  They  talked.  By  and  by 
she  said,  watching  his  downcast  countenance  out  of  the 
corner  of  her  eye : 

"It's  so  lonesome  —  with  papa  and  mamma  gone. 
I  try  to  read,  but  I  can't  seem  to  get  interested  in  any 
book.  I  try  the  newspapers,  but  they  do  put  such 
rubbish  in  them !  You  take  up  a  paper  and  start  to 
read  something  you  think' s  interesting,  and  it  goes  on 
and  on  and  on  about  how  somebody  —  well,  Dr.  Snod- 
grass,  for  instance  — " 

Not  a  movement  from  Tracy,  not  the  quiver  of  a 
muscle.  Sally  was  amazed  —  what  command  of  him- 
self he  must  have  !  Being  disconcerted,  she  paused  so 
long  that  Tracy  presently  looked  up  wearily  and  said : 

44  Well?" 

44  Oh,  I  thought  you  were  not  listening.  Yes,  it 
goes  on  and  on  about  this  Dr.  Snodgrass  till  you  are 
so  tired,  and  then  about  his  younger  son  —  the  favorite 
son  —  Zylobalsamum  Snodgrass  — ' ' 

Not  a  sign  from  Tracy,  whose  head  was  drooping 
again.  What  supernatural  self-possession  !  Sally  fixed 


The  American  Claimant  223 

her  eye  on  him  and  began  again,  resolved  to  blast  him 
out  of  his  serenity  this  time  if  she  knew  how  to  apply 
the  dynamite  that  is  concealed  in  certain  forms  of 
words  when  those  words  are  properly  loaded  with 
unexpected  meanings. 

"  And  next  it  goes  on  and  on  and  on  about  the 
eldest  son  —  not  the  favorite,  this  one  —  and  how  he  is 
neglected  in  his  poor  barren  boyhood,  and  allowed  to 
grow  up  unschooled,  ignorant,  coarse,  vulgar,  the 
comrade  of  the  community's  scum,  and  become  in 
his  completed  manhood  a  rude,  profane,  dissipated 
ruffian—  " 

That  head  still  dropped !  Sally  rose,  moved  softly 
and  solemnly  a  step  or  two,  and  stood  before  Tracy  — 
his  head  came  slowly  up,  his  meek  eyes  met  her  intense 
ones  —  then  she  finished,  with  deep  impressiveness : 

" — named  Spinal  Meningitis  Snodgrass!" 

Tracy  merely  exhibited  signs  of  increased  fatigue. 
The  girl  was  outraged  by  this  iron  indifference  and 
callousness,  and  cried  out: 

"  What  are  you  made  of?" 

"I?     Why?" 

"  Haven't  you  any  sensitiveness?  Don't  these  things 
touch  any  poor  remnant  of  delicate  feeling  in  you?" 

"  N-no,"  he  said,  wonderingly,  "  they  don't  seem 
to.  Why  should  they?" 

"  Oh,  dear  rne,  how  can  you  look  so  innocent,  and 
foolish,  and  good,  and  empty,  and  gentle,  and  all  that, 
right  in  the  hearing  of  such  things  as  those !  Look 
me  in  the  eye  —  straight  in  the  eye.  There,  now  then, 
answer  me  without  a  flinch.  Isn't  Dr.  Snodgrass  your 
father,  and  isn't  Zylobalsamum  your  brother"  [here 
Hawkins  was  about  to  enter  the  room,  but  changed  his 
mind  upon  hearing  these  words,  and  elected  for  a  walk 
down  town,  and  so  glided  swiftly  away],  "  and  isn't 
your  name  Spinal  Meningitis,  and  isn't  your  father  a 


224  The  American  Claimant 

doctor  and  an  idiot,  like  all  the  family  for  generations, 
and  doesn't  he  name  all  his  children  after  poisons  and 
pestilences  and  abnormal  anatomical  eccentricities  of 
the  human  body?  Answer  me,  some  way  or  somehow 
—  and  quick.  Why  do  you  sit  there  looking  like  an 
envelope  without  any  address  on  it  and  see  me  going 
mad  before  your  face  with  suspense?" 

44  Oh,  I  wish  I  could  do  —  do  —  I  wish  I  could  do 
something,  anything  that  would  give  you  peace  again 
and  make  you  happy ;  but  I  know  of  nothing  —  I 
know  of  no  way.  I  have  never  heard  of  these  awful 
people  before." 

44  What?     Say  it  again!" 

14  I  have  never —  never  in  my  life  till  now." 

44  Oh,  you  do  look  so  honest  when  you  say  that !  It 
must  be  true  —  surely  you  couldrit  look  that  way,  you 
•wouldn't  look  that  way  if  it  were  not  true  —  would 
you?" 

*4 1  couldn't  and  wouldn't.  It  is  true.  Oh,  let  us 
end  this  suffering  —  take  me  back  into  your  heart  and 
confidence — " 

44  Wait  —  one  more  thing.  Tell  me  you  told  that 
falsehood  out  of  mere  vanity  and  are  sorry  for  it ;  that 
you're  not  expecting  to  ever  wear  the  coronet  of  an 
earl—" 

44  Truly  I  am  cured  —  cured  this  very  day- — I  am 
not  expecting  it!" 

44  Oh,  now  you  are  mine !  I've  got  you  back  in  the 
beauty  and  glory  of  your  unsmirched  poverty  and  your 
honorable  obscurity,  and  nobody  shall  ever  take  you 
from  me  again  but  the  grave  !  And  if  — ' ' 

14  De  Earl  of  Rossmore,  fum  Englan' !" 

44  My  father!"  The  young  man  released  the  girl 
and  hung  his  head. 

The  old  gentleman  stood  surveying  the  couple  —  the 
one  with  a  strongly  complimentary  right  eye,  the  other 


The  American  Claimant  225 

with  a  mixed  expression  done  with  the  left.  This  is 
difficult,  and  not  often  resorted  to.  Presently  his  face 
relaxed  into  a  kind  of  constructive  gentleness,  and  he 
said  to  his  son : 

"  Don't  you  think  you  could  embrace  me,  too?" 

The  young  man  did  it  with  alacrity. 

"  Then  you  are  the  son  of  an  earl  after  all/'  said 
Sally,  reproachfully. 
'Yes,  I—" 
*  Then  I  won't  have  you !" 

"  Oh,  but  you  know — " 

11  No,  I  will  not.     You've  told  me  another  fib." 

*'  She's  right.  Go  away  and  leave  us.  I  want  to 
talk  with  her." 

Berkeley  was  obliged  to  go.  But  he  did  not  go  far. 
He  remained  on  the  premises.  At  midnight  the  con- 
ference between  the  old  gentleman  and  the  young  girl 
was  still  going  blithely  on,  but  it  presently  drew  to  a 
close,  and  the  former  said: 

"  I  came  all  the  way  over  here  to  inspect  you,  my 
dear,  with  the  general  idea  of  breaking  off  this  match  if 
there  were  two  fools  of  you,  but  as  there's  only  one, 
you  can  have  him  if  you'll  take  him." 

"  Indeed,  I  will,  then !     May  I  kiss  you?" 

"  You  may.  Thank  you.  Now  you  shall  have  that 
privilege  whenever  you  are  good." 

Meantime  Hawkins  had  long  ago  returned  and 
slipped  up  into  the  laboratory.  He  was  rather  dis- 
concerted to  find  his  late  invention,  Snodgrass,  there. 
The  news  was  told  him:  that  the  English  Rossmore 
was  come,  "  and  I'm  his  son,  Viscount  Berkeley,  not 
Howard  Tracy  any  more." 

Hawkins  was  aghast.     He  said : 

*'  Good  gracious,  then  you're  dead!" 
'Dead?" 

"  Yes,  you  are  —  we've  got  your  ashes." 
15*** 


226  The  American  Claimant 

4 *  Hang  those  ashes,  I'm  tired  of  them;  I'll  give 
them  to  my  father." 

Slowly  and  painfully  the  statesman  worked  the  truth 
into  his  head  that  this  was  really  a  flesh  and  blood 
young  man,  and  not  the  insubstantial  resurrection  he 
and  Sellers  had  so  long  supposed  him  to  be.  Then  he 
said,  with  feeling: 

"I'm  so  glad;  so  glad  on  Sally's  account,  poor 
thing.  We  took  you  for  a  departed  materialized  bank 
thief  from  Tahlequah.  This  will  be  a  heavy  blow  to 
Sellers."  Then  he  explained  the  whole  matter  to 
Berkeley,  who  said : 

'  Well,  the  Claimant  must  manage  to  stand  the 
blow,  severe  as  it  is.  But  he'll  get  over  the  disap- 
pointment." 

"  Who  —  the  Colonel?  He'll  get  over  it  the  minute 
he  invents  a  new  miracle  to  take  its  place.  And  he's 
already  at  it  by  this  time.  But  look  here  —  what  do 
you  suppose  became  of  the  man  you've  been  represent- 
ing all  this  time?" 

"  I  don't  know.  I  saved  his  clothes  —  it  was  all  I 
could  do.  I  am  afraid  he  lost  his  life." 

4  Well,  you  must  have  found  twenty  or  thirty  thou- 
sand dollars  in  those  clothes  in  money  or  certificates  of 
deposit." 

"  No,  I   found    only  five    hundred   and   a  trifle.     I 
borrowed  the  trifle  and  banked  the  five  hundred." 
'  What'll  we  do  about  it?" 

"  Return  it  to  the  owner." 

"  It's  easy  said,  but  not  easy  to  manage.  Let's 
leave  it  alone  till  we  get  Sellers 's  advice.  And  that 
reminds  me.  I've  got  to  run  and  meet  Sellers  and  ex- 
plain who  you  are  not  and  who  you  are,  or  he'll  come 
thundering  in  here  to  stop  his  daughter  from  marrying 
a  phantom.  But — suppose  your  father  came  over 
here  to  break  off  the  match?" 


The  American  Claimant  227 

"  Well,  isn't  he  downstairs  getting  acquainted  with 
Sally?  That's  all  safe." 

So  Hawkins  departed  to  meet  and  prepare  the 
Sellerses. 

Rossmore  Towers  saw  great  times  and  late  hours 
during  the  succeeding  week.  The  two  earls  were  such 
opposites  in  nature  that  they  fraternized  at  once. 
Sellers  said  privately  that  Rossmore  was  the  most 
extraordinary  character  he  had  ever  met  —  a  man  just 
made  out  of  the  condensed  milk  of  human  kindness, 
yet  with  the  ability  to  totally  hide  the  fact  from  any 
but  the  most  practiced  character-reader ;  a  man  whose 
whole  being  was  sweetness,  patience,  and  charity,  yet 
with  a  cunning  so  profound,  an  ability  so  marvelous  in 
the  acting  of  a  double  part,  that  many  a  person  of 
considerable  intelligence  might  live  with  him  for  cen- 
turies and  never  suspect  the  presence  in  him  of  these 
characteristics. 

Finally  there  was  a  quiet  wedding  at  the  Towers, 
instead  of  a  big  one  at  the  British  embassy,^ with  the 
militia  and  the  fire  brigades  and  the  temperance  organi- 
zations on  hand  in  torchlight  procession,  as  at  first 
proposed  by  one  of  the  earls.  The  art  firm  and  Barrow 
were  present  at  the  wedding,  and  the  tinner  and  Puss 
had  been  invited,  but  the  tinner  was  ill  and  Puss  was 
nursing  him  —  for  they  were  engaged. 

The  Sellerses  were  to  go  to  England  with  their  new 
allies  for  a  brief  visit,  but  when  it  was  time  to  take  the 
train  from  Washington  the  Colonel  was  missing. 
Hawkins  was  going  as  far  as  New  York  with  the  party, 
and  said  he  would  explain  the  matter  on  the  road. 
The  explanation  was  in  a  letter  left  by  the  Colonel  in 
Hawkins's  hands.  In  it  he  promised  to  join  Mrs. 
Sellers  later  in  England,  and  then  went  on  to  say: 

The  truth  is,  my  dear  Hawkins,  a  mighty  idea  has  been  born  to  mo 
within  the  hour,  and  I  must  not  even  stop  to  say  good-bye  to  my  dear  ones, 
o*** 


228  The  American  Claimant 

A  man's  highest  duty  takes  precedence  of  all  minor  ones,  and  must  be 
attended  to  with  his  best  promptness  and  energy,  at  whatsoever  cost  to  his 
affections  or  his  convenience.  And  first  of  all  a  man's  duties  is  his  duty  to 
his  own  honor  —  he  must  keep  that  spotless.  Mine  is  threatened.  When 
I  was  feeling  sure  of  my  imminent  future  solidity,  I  forwarded  to  the  Czar 
of  Russia  —  perhaps  prematurely  —  an  offer  for  the  purchase  of  Siberia, 
naming  a  vast  sum.  Since  then  an  episode  has  warned  me  that  the  method 
by  which  I  was  expecting  to  acquire  this  money  —  materialization  upon  a 
scale  of  limitless  magnitude — is  marred  by  a  taint  of  temporary  uncertainty. 
His  imperial  majesty  may  accept  my  offer  at  any  moment.  If  this  should 
occur  now,  I  should  find  myself  painfully  embarrassed  —  in  fact,  financially 
inadequate.  I  could  not  take  Siberia.  This  would  become  known,  and 
my  credit  would  suffer. 

Recently  my  private  hours  have  been  dark  indeed,  but  thi  sun  shines 
again  now;  I  see  my  way;  I  shall  be  able  to  meet  my  obligation,  and  with- 
out having  to  ask  an  extension  of  the  stipulated  time,  I  think.  This  grand 
new  idea  of  mine — the  sublimest  I  have  ever  conceived — will  save  me 
whole,  I  am  sure.  I  am  leaving  for  San  Francisco  this  moment  to  test  it 
by  the  help  of  the  great  Lick  telescope.  Like  all  of  my  more  notable  dis- 
coveries and  inventions,  it  is  based  upon  hard,  practical  scientific  laws;  all 
other  bases  are  unsound,  and  hence  untrustworthy. 

In  brief,  then,  I  have  conceived  the  stupendous  idea  of  reorganizing  the 
climates  of  the  earth  according  to  the  desire  of  the  populations  interested. 
That  is  to  say,  I  will  furnish  climates  to  order,  for  cash  or  negotiable  paper, 
taking  the  old  climates  in  part  payment,  of  course,  at  a  fair  discount,  where 
they  are  in  condition  to  be  repaired  at  small  cost  and  let  out  for  hire  to  poor 
«nd  remote  communities  not  able  to  afford  a  good  climate  and  not  caring 
tor  an  expensive  one  for  mere  display.  My  studies  have  convinced  me 
that  the  regulation  of  climates  and  the  breeding  of  new  varieties  at  will 
from  the  old  stock  is  a  feasible  thing;  indeed,  I  am  convinced  that  it 
has  been  done  before,  done  in  prehistoric  times  by  now  forgotten  and 
unrecorded  civilizations.  Everywhere  I  find  hoary  evidences  of  artificial 
manipulation  of  climates  in  bygone  times.  Take  the  glacial  period.  Was 
that  produced  by  accident?  Not  at  all;  it  was  done  for  money.  I  have 
a  thousand  proofs  of  it,  and  will  some  day  reveal  them. 

I  will  confide  to  you  an  outline  of  my  idea.  It  is  to  utilize  the  spots  on 
the  sun  —  get  control  of  them,  you  understand,  and  apply  the  stupendous 
energies  which  they  wield  to  beneficent  purposes  in  the  reorganization  of 
our  climates.  At  present  they  merely  make  trouble  and  do  harm  in  the 


The  Amencan  Claimant  229 

evoking  of  cyclones  and  other  kinds  of  electric  storms;  but  once  under 
humane  and  intelligent  control  this  will  cease,  and  they  will  become  a  boon 
to  man. 

I  have  my  plan  all  mapped  out,  whereby  I  hope  and  expect  to  acquire 
complete  and  perfect  control  of  the  sun-spots,  also  details  of  the  method 
whereby  I  shall  employ  the  same  commercially;  but  I  will  not  venture  to  go 
into  particulars  before  the  patents  shall  have  been  issued.  I  shall  hope  and 
expect  to  sell  shop -rights  to  the  minor  countries  at  a  reasonable  figure,  and 
supply  a  good  business  article  of  climate  to  the  great  empires  at  special 
rate,  together  with  fancy  brands  for  coronations,  battles,  and  other  great 
and  particular  occasions.  There  are  billions  of  money  in  this  enterprise,  no 
expensive  plant  is  required,  and  I  shall  begin  to  realize  in  a  few  days  —  in 
a  few  weeks  at  furthest.  I  shall  stand  ready  to  pay  cash  for  Siberia  the 
moment  it  is  delivered,  and  thus  save  my  honor  and  my  credit.  I  am  con- 
fident of  this. 

I  would  like  you  to  provide  a  proper  outfit  and  start  north  as  soon  as  I 
telegraph  you,  be  it  night  or  be  it  day.  I  wish  you  to  take  up  all  the 
country  stretching  away  from  the  north  pole  on  all  sides  for  many  degrees 
south,  and  buy  Greenland  and  Iceland  at  the  best  figure  you  can  get  now 
while  they  are  cheap.  It  is  my  intention  to  move  one  of  the  tropics  up 
there  and  transfer  the  frigid  zone  to  the  equator.  I  will  have  the  entire 
Arctic  Circle  in  the  market  as  a  summer  resort  next  year,  and  will  use  the 
surplusage  of  the  old  climate,  over  and  above  what  can  be  utilized  on  the 
equator,  to  reduce  the  temperature  of  opposition  resorts.  But  I  have  said 
enough  to  give  you  an  idea  of  the  prodigious  nature  of  my  scheme  and  the 
feasible  and  enormously  profitable  character  of  it.  I  shall  join  all  you 
happy  people  in  England  as  soon  as  I  shall  have  sold  out  some  of  my 
principal  climates  and  arranged  with  the  Czar  about  Siberia. 

Meantime,  watch  for  a  sign  from  me.  Eight  days  from  now  we  shall 
be  wide  asunder;  for  I  shall  be  on  the  border  of  the  Pacific,  and  you  far 
out  on  the  Atlantic,  approaching  England.  That  day,  if  I  am  alive  and  my 
sublime  discovery  is  proved  and  established,  I  will  send  you  greeting,  and 
my  messenger  shall  deliver  it  where  you  are,  in  the  solitudes  of  the  sea;  for 
I  will  waft  a  vast  sun-spot  across  the  disk  like  drifting  smoke,  and  you  will 
know  it  for  my  love-sign,  and  will  say,  "  Mulberry  Sellers  throws  us  a  kiss 
across  the  universe." 


APPENDIX 


WEATHER    FOR   USE    IN    THIS    BOOK 

Selected  from  ike  best  authorities 

A  brief  though  violent  thunder-storm  which  had  raged  over  the  city  was 
passing  away;  but  still,  though  the  rain  had  ceased  more  than  an  hour 
before,  wild  piles  of  dark  and  coppery  clouds,  in  which  a  fierce  and  rayless 
glow  was  laboring,  gigantically  overhung  the  grotesque  and  huddled  vista  of 
dwarf  houses,  while  in  the  distance,  sheeting  high  over  the  low,  misty  con- 
fusion of  gables  and  chimneys,  spread  a  pall  of  dead,  leprous  blue,  suffused 
with  blotches  of  dull,  glistening  yellow,  and  with  black  plague-spots  of 
vapor  floating  and  faint  lightnings  crinkling  on  its  surface.  Thunder,  still 
muttering  in  the  close  and  sultry  air,  kept  the  scared  dwellers  in  the  street 
within,  behind  their  closed  shutters;  and  all  deserted,  cowed,  dejected, 
squalid,  like  poor,  stupid,  top-heavy  things  that  had  felt  the  wrath  of  the 
summer  tempest,  stood  the  drenched  structures  on  either  side  of  the  narrow 
and  crooked  way,  ghastly  and  picturesque  under  the  giant  canopy.  Rain 
dripped  wretchedly  in  slow  drops  of  melancholy  sound  from  their  projecting 
eaves  upon  the  broken  flagging,  lay  there  in  pools  or  trickled  into  the 
swollen  drains,  where  the  fallen  torrent  sullenly  gurgled  on  its  way  to  the 
river.—"  The  Brazen  Android:"  W.  D.  O'Connor. 

The  fiery  mid-March  sun  a  moment  hung 

Above  the  bleak  Judean  wilderness; 

Then  darkness  swept  upon  us,  and  'twas  night. 

— "  Easter- Eve  at  Kerak-Moab  :  "  Clintm  Scottard. 

The  quick-coming  winter  twilight  was  already  at  hand.  Snow  was 
again  falling,  sifting  delicately  down,  incidentally  as  it  were.— "  Felicia  :  " 
Fanny  N.  D.  Murfree. 

(230) 


Appendix  231 

Merciful  heavens !  The  whole  west,  from  right  to  left,  blazes  up  with 
a  fierce  light,  and  next  instant  the  earth  reels  and  quivers  with  the  awful 
shock  of  ten  thousand  batteries  of  artillery.  It  is  the  signal  for  the  Fury 
to  spring  —  for  a  thousand  demons  to  scream  and  shriek  —  for  innumerable 
serpents  of  fire  to  writhe  and  light  up  the  blackness. 

Now  the  rain  falls  —  now  the  wind  is  let  loose  with  a  terrible  shriek  — 
now  the  lightning  is  so  constant  that  the  eyes  burn,  and  the  thunderclaps 
merge  into  an  awful  roar,  as  did  the  800  cannon  at  Gettysburg.  Crash ! 
Crash  !  Crash  !  It  is  the  cotton  wood  trees  falling  to  earth.  Shriek !  Shriek ! 
Shriek !  It  is  the  Demon  racing  along  the  plain  and  uprooting  even  the 
blades  of  grass.  Shock !  Shock !  Shock  !  It  is  the  Fury  flinging  his  fiery 
bolts  into  the  bosom  of  the  earth. — "  The  Demon  and  the  Fury:" 
M.  Quad. 

Away  up  the  gorge  all  diurnal  fancies  trooped  into  the  wide  liberties  of 
endless  luminous  vistas  of  azure  sunlit  mountains  beneath  the  shining  azure 
heavens.  The  sky,  looking  down  in  deep  blue  placidities,  only  here  and 
there  smote  the  water  to  azure  emulations  of  its  tint. — "  In  the  '  Stranger 
People's'  Country:"  Chart's  Egbert  CwModk* 

There  was  every  indication  of  a  dust-storm,  though  the  sun  still  shone 
brilliantly.  The  hot  wind  had  become  wild  and  rampant.  It  was  whipping 
up  the  sandy  coating  of  the  plain  in  every  direction.  High  in  the  air  were 
seen  whirling  spires  and  cones  of  sand  —  a  curious  effect  against  the  deep- 
blue  sky.  Below,  puffs  of  sand  were  breaking  out  of  the  plain  in  every 
direction,  as  though  the  plain  were  alive  with  invisible  horsemen.  These 
sandy  cloudlets  were  instantly  dissipated  by  the  wind;  it  was  the  larger 
clouds  that  were  lifted  whole  into  the  air,  and  the  larger  clouds  of  sand 
were  becoming  more  and  more  the  rule. 

Alfred's  eye,  quickly  scanning  the  horizon,  descried  the  roof  of  the 
boundary-rider's  hut  still  gleaming  in  the  sunlight.  He  remembered  the 
hut  well.  It  could  not  be  further  than  four  miles,  if  as  much  as  that,  from 
this  point  of  the  track.  He  also  knew  these  dust-storms  of  old;  Bindarra 
was  notorious  for  them.  Without  thinking  twice,  Alfred  put  spurs  to  his 
horse  and  headed  for  the  hut.  Before  he  had  ridden  half  the  distance  the 
detached  clouds  of  sand  banded  together  in  one  dense  whirlwind,  and  it 
was  only  owing  to  his  horse's  instinct  that  he  did  not  ride  wide  of  the  hut 
altogether;  for  during  the  last  half-mile  he  never  saw  the  hut,  until  its 
outline  loomed  suddenly  over  his  horse's  ears;  and  by  then  the  sun  was 
invisible.—"^  Bride  from  the  Bush." 

It  rained  forty  days  and  forty  mgnts. —  Genesis. 


MERRY   TALES 


(233) 


Acknowledgment  should  be  made  to  the  Century  Company  and  to  Messrs. 
Harper  &*  Brothers  for  kind  permission  to  reprint  several  of  these  stories 
from  the  "Century"  and" Harper's  Magazine^ 


THE  PRIVATE  HISTORY  OF  A  CAMPAIGN 
THAT  FAILED 

YOU  have  heard  from  a  great  many  people  who  did 
something  in  the  war;  is  it  not  fair  and  right 
that  you  listen  a  little  moment  to  one  who  started  out 
to  do  something  in  it,  but  didn't?  Thousands  entered 
the  war,  got  just  a  taste  of  it,  and  then  stepped  out 
again  permanently.  These,  by  their  very  numbers, 
are  respectable,  and  are  therefore  entitled  to  a  sort  of 
voice  —  not  a  loud  one,  but  a  modest  one ;  not  a 
boastful  one,  but  an  apologetic  one.  They  ought  not 
to  be  allowed  much  space  among  better  people  — 
people  who  did  something.  I  grant  that;  but  they 
ought  at  least  to  be  allowed  to  state  why  they  didn't 
do  anything,  and  also  to  explain  the  process  by  which 
they  didn't  do  anything.  Surely  this  kind  of  light 
must  have  a  sort  of  value. 

Out  West  there  was  a  good  deal  of  confusion  in 
men's  minds  during  the  first  months  of  the  great 
trouble  —  a  good  deal  of  unsettlecfhess,  of  leaning  first 
this  way,  then  that,  then  the  other  way.  It  was  hard 
for  us  to  get  our  bearings.  I  call  to  mind  an  instance 
of  this.  I  was  piloting  on  the  Mississippi  when  the 
news  came  that  South  Carolina  had  gone  out  of  the 
Union  on  the  2Oth  of  December,  1860.  My  pilot 
mate  was  a  New  Yorker.  He  was  strong  for  the 
Union ;  so  was  I.  But  he  would  not  listen  to  me  with 
any  patience;  my  loyalty  was  smirched,  to  his  eyet 

(235) 


236    The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed 

because  my  father  had  owned  slaves.  I  said,  in  pallia- 
tion of  this  dark  fact,  that  I  had  heard  my  father  say, 
some  years  before  he  died,  that  slavery  was  a  great 
wrong,  and  that  he  would  free  the  solitary  negro  he 
then  owned  if  he  could  think  it  right  to  give  away  the 
property  of  the  family  when  he  was  so  straitened  in 
means.  My  mate  retorted  that  a  mere  impulse  was 
nothing  —  anybody  could  pretend  to  a  good  impulse ; 
and  went  on  decrying  my  Unionism  and  libeling  my 
ancestry.  A  month  later  the  secession  atmosphere 
had  considerably  thickened  on  the  Lower  Mississippi, 
and  I  became  a  rebel ;  so  did  he.  We  were  together 
in  New  Orleans  the  26th  of  January,  when  Louisiana 
went  out  of  the  Union.  He  did  his  full  share  of  the 
rebel  shouting,  but  was  bitterly  opposed  to  letting  me 
do  mine.  He  said  that  I  came  of  bad  stock  —  of  a 
father  who  had  been  willing  to  set  slaves  free.  In  the 
following  summer  he  was  piloting  a  Federal  gunboat 
and  shouting  for  the  Union  again,  and  I  was  in  the 
Confederate  army.  I  held  his  note  for  some  borrowed 
money.  He  was  one  of  the  most  upright  men  I 
ever  knew,  but  he  repudiated  that  note  without  hesi- 
tation because  I  was  a  rebel  and  the  son  of  a  man 
who  owned  slaves. 

In  that  summer — of  1 86 1 — the  first  wash  of  the 
wave  of  war  broke  upon  the  shores  of  Missouri.  Our 
State  was  invaded  by  the  Union  forces.  They  took 
possession  of  St.  Louis,  Jefferson  Barracks,  and  some 
other  points.  The  Governor,  Claib  Jackson,  issued 
his  proclamation  calling  out  fifty  thousand  militia  to 
repel  the  invader. 

I  was  visiting  in  the  small  town  where  my  boyhood 
had  been  spent — Hannibal,  Marion  County.  Several 
of  us  got  together  in  a  secret  place  by  night  and 
formed  ourselves  into  a  military  company.  One  Tom 
Lyman,  a  young  fellow  of  a  good  deal  of  spirit  but  of 


The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed   237 

no  military  experience,  was  made  captain;  I  was  made 
second  lieutenant.  We  had  no  first  lieutenant;  I  do 
not  know  why;  it  was  long  ago.  There  were  fifteen 
of  us.  By  the  advice  of  an  innocent  connected  with 
the  organization  we  called  ourselves  the  Marion 
Rangers.  I  do  not  remember  that  any  one  found 
fault  with  the  name.  I  did  not;  I  thought  it  sounded 
quite  well.  The  young  fellow  who  proposed  this  title 
was  perhaps  a  fair  sample  of  the  kind  of  stuff  we  were 
made  of.  He  was  young,  ignorant,  good-natured, 
well-meaning,  trivial,  full  of  romance,  and  given  to 
reading  chivalric  novels  and  singing  forlorn  love-ditties. 
He  had  some  pathetic  little  nickel-plated  aristocratic 
instincts,  and  detested  his  name,  which  was  Dunlap; 
detested  it,  partly  because  it  was  nearly  as  common 
in  that  region  as  Smith,  but  mainly  because  it  had 
a  plebeian  sound  to  his  ear.  So  he  tried  to  ennoble 
it  by  writing  it  in  this  way :  dj  Unlap.  That  contented 
his  eye,  but  left  his  ear  unsatisfied,  for  people  gave  the 
new  name  the  same  old  pronunciation  —  emphasis  on 
the  front  end  of  it.  He  then  did  the  bravest  thing  that 
can  be  imagined  —  a  thing  to  make  one  shiver  when 
one  remembers  how  the  world  is  given  to  resenting 
shams  and  affectations;  he  began  to  write  his  name 
so :  d1  Un  Lap.  And  he  waited  patiently  through  the 
long  storm  of  mud  that  was  flung  at  this  work  of  art, 
and  he  had  his  reward  at  last ;  for  he  lived  to  see  that 
name  accepted,  and  the  emphasis  put  where  he  wanted 
it  by  people  who  had  known  him  all  his  life,  and  to 
whom  the  tribe  of  Dunlaps  had  been  as  familiar  as  the 
rain  and  the  sunshine  for  forty  years.  So  sure  of  vic- 
tory at  last  is  the  courage  that  can  wait.  He  said  he 
had  found,  by  consulting  some  ancient  French  chroni- 
cles, that  the  name  was  rightly  and  originally  written 
d'Un  Lap;  and  said  that  if  it  were  translated  into 
English  it  would  mean  Peterson :  Lap,  Latin  or  Greek, 

l6A 


238    The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed 

he  said,  for  stone  or  rock,  same  as  the  French  pierre^ 
that  is  to  say,  Peter;  d\  of  or  from;  uny  a  or  one; 
hence,  d'Un  Lap,  of  or  from  a  stone  or  a  Peter;  that 
is  to  say,  one  who  is  the  son  of  a  stone,  the  son  of  a 
Peter — Peterson.  Our  militia  company  were  not 
learned,  and  the  explanation  confused  them;  so  they 
called  him  Peterson  Dunlap.  He  proved  useful  to  us  in 
his  way;  he  named  our  camps  for  us,  and  he  generally 
struck  a  name  that  was  "  no  slouch,"  as  the  boys  said. 

That  is  one  sample  of  us.  Another  was  Ed  Stevens, 
son  of  the  town  jeweler  —  trim-built,  handsome,  grace- 
ful, neat  as  a  cat;  bright,  educated,  but  given  over 
entirely  to  fun.  There  was  nothing  serious  in  life  to 
him.  As  far  as  he  was  concerned,  this  military  expe- 
dition of  ours  was  simply  a  holiday.  I  should  say  that 
about  half  of  us  looked  upon  it  in  the  same  way;  not 
consciously  perhaps,  but  unconsciously.  We  did  not 
think ;  we  were  not  capable  of  it.  As  for  myself,  I 
was  full  of  unreasoning  joy  to  be  done  with  turning 
out  of  bed  at  midnight  and  four  in  the  morning  for  a 
while;  grateful  to  have  a  change,  new  scenes,  new 
occupations,  a  new  interest.  In  my  thoughts  that  was 
as  far  as  I  went ;  I  did  not  go  into  the  details ;  as  a 
rule,  one  doesn't  at  twenty-four. 

Another  sample  was  Smith,  the  blacksmith's  appren- 
tice. This  vast  donkey  had  some  pluck,  of  a  slow  and 
sluggish  nature,  but  a  soft  heart;  at  one  time  he  would 
knock  a  horse  down  for  some  impropriety,  and  at 
another  he  would  get  homesick  and  cry.  However,  he 
had  one  ultimate  credit  to  his  account  which  some  of 
us  hadn't:  he  stuck  to  the  war,  and  was  killed  in 
battle  at  last. 

Jo  Bowers,  another  sample,  was  a  huge,  good- 
natured,  flax-headed  lubber;  lazy,  sentimental,  full  of 
harmless  brag,  a  grumbler  by  nature;  an  experienced, 
industrious,  ambitious,  and  often  quite  picturesque  liar, 


The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed    239 

and  yet  not  a  successful  one,  for  he  had  had  no  intelli- 
gent training,  but  was  allowed  to  come  up  just  any 
way.  This  life  was  serious  enough  to  him,  and  seldom 
satisfactory.  But  he  was  a  good  fellow  anyway,  and 
the  boys  all  liked  him.  He  was  made  orderly  sergeant; 
Stevens  was  made  corporal. 

These  samples  will  answer  —  and  they  are  quite  fair 
ones.  Well,  this  herd  of  cattle  started  for  the  war. 
What  could  you  expect  of  them  ?  They  did  as  well  as 
they  knew  how ;  but  really  what  was  justly  to  be  ex- 
pected of  them?  Nothing,  I  should  say.  That  is 
what  they  did. 

We  waited  for  a  dark  night,  for  caution  and  secrecy 
were  necessary;  then,  towards  midnight,  w$°*~5tole  in 
couples  and  from  various  directions  to  the  Griffith 
place,  beyond  the  town ;  from  that  point  we  set  out 
together  on  foot.  Hannibal  lies  at  the  extreme  south- 
eastern corner  of  Marion  County,  on  the  Mississippi 
River;  our  objective  point  was  the  hamlet  of  New 
London,  ten  miles  away,  in  Rails  County. 

The  first  hour  was  all  fun,  all  idle  nonsense  and 
laughter.  But  that  could  not  be  kept  up.  The  steady 
trudging  came  to  be  like  work ;  the  play  had  somehow 
oozed  out  of  it;  the  stillness  of  the  woods  and  the 
somberness  of  the  night  began  to  throw  a  depressing 
influence  over  the  spirits  of  the  boys,  and  presently 
the  talking  died  out  and  each  person  shut  himself  up  in 
his  own  thoughts.  During  the  last  half  of  the  second 
hour  nobody  said  a  word. 

Now  we  approached  a  log  farmhouse  where,  accord- 
ing to  report,  there  was  a  guard  of  five  Union  soldiers. 
Lyman  called  a  halt;  and  there,  in  the  deep  gloom  of 
the  overhanging  branches,  he  began  to  whisper  a  plan 
of  assault  upon  that  house,  which  made  the  gloom 
more  depressing  than  it  was  before.  It  was  a  crucial 
moment;  we  realized,  with  a  cold  suddenness,  that 


240    The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed 

here  was  no  jest  —  we  were  standing  face  to  face  with 
actual  war.  We  were  equal  to  the  occasion.  In  out 
response  there  was  no  hesitation,  no  indecision:  we 
said  that  if  Lyman  wanted  to  meddle  with  those  soldiers, 
he  could  go  ahead  and  do  it ;  but  if  he  waited  for  us  to 
follow  him,  he  would  wait  a  long  time. 

Lyman  urged,  pleaded,  tried  to  shame  us,  but  it  had 
no  effect.  Our  course  was  plain,  our  minds  were  made 
up:  we  would  flank  the  farmhouse  —  go  out  around. 
And  that  was  what  we  did. 

We  struck  into  the  woods  and  entered  upon  a  rough 
time,  stumbling  over  roots,  getting  tangled  in  vines, 
and  torn  by  briers.  At  last  we  reached  an  open  place 
in  a  safe  region,  and  sat  down,  blown  and  hot,  to  cool 
off  and  nurse  our  scratches  and  bruises.  Lyman  was 
annoyed,  but  the  rest  of  us  were  cheerful;  we  had 
flanked  the  farmhouse,  we  had  made  our  first  military 
movement,  and  it  was  a  success;  we  had  nothing  to 
fret  about,  were  were  feeling  just  the  other  way. 
Horse-play  and  laughing  began  again ;  the  expedition 
was  become  a  holiday  frolic  once  more. 

Then  we  had  two  more  hours  of  dull  trudging  and 
ultimate  silence  and  depression;  then,  about  dawn,  we 
straggled  into  New  London,  soiled,  heel-blistered, 
fagged  with  our  little  march,  and  all  of  us  except 
Stevens  in  a  sour  and  raspy  humor  and  privately  down 
on  the  war.  We  stacked  our  shabby  old  shotguns  in 
Colonel  Rails' s  barn,  and  then  went  in  a  body  and 
breakfasted  with  that  veteran  of  the  Mexican  War. 
Afterwards  he  took  us  to  a  distant  meadow,  and  there 
in  the  shade  of  a  tree  we  listened  to  an  old-fashioned 
speech  from  him,  full  of  gunpowder  and  glory,  full  of 
that  adjective-piling,  mixed  metaphor,  and  windy 
declamation  which  were  regarded  as  eloquence  in  that 
ancient  time  and  that  remote  region ;  and  then  he 
swore  us  on  the  Bible  to  be  faithful  to  the  State  of 


the  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed    241 

Missouri  and  drive  all  invaders  from  her  soil,  no  matter 
whence  they  might  come  or  under  what  flag  they  might 
march.  This  mixed  us  considerably,  and  we  could  not 
make  out  just  what  service  we  were  embarked  in ;  but 
Colonel  Rails,  the  practiced  politician  and  phrase- 
juggler,  was  not  similarly  in  doubt;  he  knew  quite 
clearly  that  he  had  invested  us  in  the  cause  of  the 
Southern  Confederacy.  He  closed  the  solemnities  by 
belting  around  me  the  sword  which  his  neighbor, 
Colonel  Brown,  had  worn  at  Buena  Vista  and  Molino 
del  Rey;  and  he  accompanied  this  act  with  another 
impressive  blast. 

Then  we  formed  in  line  of  battle  and  marched  four 
miles  to  a  shady  and  pleasant  piece  of  woods  on  the 
border  of  the  far-reaching  expanses  of  a  flowery 
prairie.  It  was  an  enchanting  region  for  war  —  our 
kind  of  war. 

We  pierced  the  forest  about  half  a  mile,  and  took  up 
a  strong  position,  with  some  low,  rocky,  and  wooded 
hills  behind  us,  and  a  purling,  limpid  creek  in  front. 
Straightway  half  the  command  were  in  swimming  and 
the  other  half  fishing.  The  ass  with  the  French  name 
gave  this  position  a  romantic  title,  but  it  was  too  long, 
so  the  boys  shortened  and  simplified  it  to  Camp  Rails. 

We  occupied  an  old  maple  sugar  camp,  whose  half- 
rotted  troughs  were  still  propped  against  the  trees.  A 
long  corn-crib  served  for  sleeping  quarters  for  the 
battalion.  On  our  left,  half  a  mile  away,  were  Mason's 
farm  and  house;  and  he  was  a  friend  to  the  cause. 
Shortly  after  noon  the  farmers  began  to  arrive  from 
several  directions,  with  mules  and  horses  for  our  use, 
and  these  they  lent  us  for  as  long  as  the  war  might  last, 
which  they  judged  would  be  about  three  months.  The 
animals  were  of  all  sizes,  all  colors,  ahd  all  breeds. 
They  were  mainly  young  and  frisky,  and  nobody  in 
the  command  could  stay  on  them  long  at  a  time ;  for 
16*** 


242    The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed 

we  were  town  boys,  and  ignorant  of  horsemanship. 
The  creature  that  fell  to  my  share  was  a  very  small 
mule,  and  yet  so  quick  and  active  that  it  could  throw 
me  without  difficulty ;  and  it  did  this  whenever  I  got 
on  it.  Then  it  would  bray  —  stretching  its  neck  out, 
laying  its  ears  back,  and  spreading  its  jaws  till  you 
could  see  down  to  its  works.  It  was  a  disagreeable 
animal  in  every  way.  If  I  took  it  by  the  bridle  and 
tried  to  lead  it  off  the  grounds,  it  would  sit  down  and 
brace  back,  and  no  one  could  budge  it.  However, 
I  was  not  entirely  destitute  of  military  resources,  and 
I  did  presently  manage  to  spoil  this  game ;  for  I  had 
seen  many  a  steamboat  aground  in  my  time,  and  knew 
a  trick  or  two  which  even  a  grounded  mule  would  be 
obliged  to  respect.  There  was  a  well  by  the  corn-crib ; 
so  I  substituted  thirty  fathom  of  rope  for  the  bridle, 
and  fetched  him  home  with  the  windlass. 

I  will  anticipate  here  sufficiently  to  say  that  we  did 
learn  to  ride,  after  some  days'  practice,  but  never  well. 
We  could  not  learn  to  like  our  animals ;  they  were  not 
choice  ones,  and  most  of  them  had  annoying  peculiar- 
ities of  one  kind  or  another.  Stevens' s  horse  would 
carry  him,  when  he  was  not  noticing,  under  the  huge 
excrescences  which  form  on  the  trunks  of  oak  trees, 
and  wipe  him  out  of  the  saddle ;  in  this  way  Stevens 
got  several  bad  hurts.  Sergeant  Bowers' s  horse  was 
very  large  and  tall,  with  slim,  long  legs,  and  looked 
like  a  railroad  bridge.  His  size  enabled  him  to  reach 
all  about,  and  as  far  as  he  wanted  to,  with  his  head ; 
so  he  was  always  biting  Bowers' s  legs.  On  the  march, 
in  the  sun,  Bowers  slept  a  good  deal ;  and  as  soon  as 
the  horse  recognized  that  he  was  asleep  he  would  reach 
around  and  bite  him  on  the  leg.  His  legs  were  black 
and  blue  with  bites.  This  was  the  only  thing  that 
could  ever  make  him  swear,  but  this  always  did ; 
whenever  his  horse  bit  him  he  always  swore,  and  of 


The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed    243 

course  Stevens,  who  laughed  at  everything,  laughed  at 
this,  and  would  even  get  into  such  convulsions  over  it 
as  to  lose  his  balance  and  fall  off  his  horse ;  and  then 
Bowers,  already  irritated  by  the  pain  of  the  horse-bite, 
would  resent  the  laughter  with  hard  language,  and 
there  would  be  a  quarrel ;  so  that  horse  made  no  end 
of  trouble  and  bad  blood  in  the  command. 

However  I  will  get  back  to  where  I  was  —  our  first 
afternoon  in  the  sugar-camp.  The  sugar-troughs  came 
very  handy  as  horse-troughs,  and  we  had  plenty  of 
corn  to  fill  them  with.  I  ordered  Sergeant  Bowers  to 
feed  my  mule ;  but  he  said  that  if  I  reckoned  he  went 
to  war  to  be  a  dry-nurse  to  a  mule,  it  wouldn't  take 
me  very  long  to  find  out  my  mistake.  I  believed  that 
this  was  insubordination,  but  I  was  full  of  uncertainties 
about  everything  military,  and  so  I  let  the  thing  pass, 
and  went  and  ordered  Smith,  the  blacksmith's  appren- 
tice, to  feed  the  mule;  but  he  merely  gave  me  a  large, 
cold,  sarcastic  grin,  such  as  an  ostensibly  seven-year- 
old  horse  gives  you  when  you  lift  his  lip  and  find  he  is 
fourteen,  and  turned  his  back  on  me.  I  then  went  to 
the  captain,  and  asked  if  it  was  not  right  and  proper 
and  military  for  me  to  have  an  orderly.  He  said  it 
was,  but  as  there  was  only  one  orderly  in  the  corps,  it 
was  but  right  that  he  himself  should  have  Bowers  on 
his  staff.  Bowers  said  he  wouldn't  serve  on  anybody's 
staff;  and  if  anybody  thought  he  could  make  him,  let 
him  try  it.  So,  of  course,  the  thing  had  to  be  dropped ; 
there  was  no  other  way. 

Next,  nobody  would  cook;  it  was  considered  a 
degradation ;  so  we  had  no  dinner.  We  lazied  the 
rest  of  the  pleasant  afternoon  away,  some  dozing  under 
the  trees,  some  smoking  cob-pipes  and  talking  sweet- 
hearts and  war,  some  playing  games.  By  late  supper- 
time  all  hands  were  famished ;  and  to  meet  the  difficulty 
all  hands  turned  to,  on  an  equal  footing,  and  gathered 

Y*** 


244   The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed 

wood,  built  fires,  and  cooked  the  meal.  Afterwards 
everything  was  smooth  for  a  while ;  then  trouble  broke 
out  between  the  corporal  and  the  sergeant,  each  claim- 
ing to  rank  the  other.  Nobody  knew  which  was  the 
higher  office;  so  Lyman  had  to  settle  the  matter  by 
making  the  rank  of  both  officers  equal.  The  com- 
mander of  an  ignorant  crew  like  that  has  many  troubles 
and  vexations  which  probably  do  not  occur  in  the 
regular  army  at  all.  However,  with  the  song-singing 
and  yarn-spinning  around  the  camp-fire,  everything 
presently  became  serene  again;  and  by  and  by  we 
raked  the  corn  down  level  in  one  end  of  the  crib,  and 
all  went  to  bed  on  it,  tying  a  horse  to  the  door,  so  that 
he  would  neigh  if  any  one  tried  to  get  in.* 

We  had  some  horsemanship  drill  every  forenoon ; 
then,  afternoons,  we  rode  off  here  and  there  in  squads 
a  few  miles,  and  visited  the  farmers'  girls,  and  had  a 
youthful  good  time,  and  got  an  honest  good  dinner  or 
supper,  and  then  home  again  to  camp,  happy  and 
content. 

For  a  time  life  was  idly  delicious,  it  was  perfect; 
there  was  nothing  to  mar  it.  Then  came  some  farmers 
with  an  alarm  one  day.  They  said  it  was  rumored  that 
the  enemy  were  advancing  in  our  direction  from  over 
Hyde's  prairie.  The  result  was  a  sharp  stir  among  us, 
and  general  consternation.  It  was  a  rude  awakening 
from  our  pleasant  trance.  The  rumor  was  but  a  rumor 

*  It  was  always  my  impression  that  that  was  what  the  horse  was  there 
for,  and  I  know  that  it  was  also  the  impression  of  at  least  one  other  of  the 
command,  for  we  talked  about  it  at  the  time,  and  admired  the  military 
ingenuity  of  the  device;  but  when  I  was  out  West,  three  years  ago,  I  was 
told  by  Mr.  A.  G.  Fuqua,  a  member  of  our  company,  that  the  horse  was 
his;  that  the  leaving  him  tied  at  the  door  was  a  matter  of  mere  forgetful- 
ness,  and  that  to  attribute  it  to  intelligent  invention  was  to  give  him  quite 
too  much  credit.  In  support  of  his  position  he  called  my  attention  to  the 
suggestive  fact  that  the  artifice  was  not  employed  again.  I  had  not  thought 
of  that  before. 


The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed    245 

—  nothing  definite  about  it;  so,  in  the  confusion,  we 
did  not  know  which  way  to  retreat.  Lyman  was  for 
not  retreating  at  all  in  these  uncertain  circumstances ; 
but  he  found  that  if  he  tried  to  maintain  that  attitude 
he  would  fare  badly,  for  the  command  were  in  no 
humor  to  put  up  with  insubordination.  So  he  yielded 
the  point  and  called  a  council  of  war  —  to  consist  of 
himself  and  the  three  other  officers ;  but  the  privates 
made  such  a  fuss  about  being  left  out  that  we  had  to 
allow  them  to  remain,  for  they  were  already  present, 
and  doing  the  most  of  the  talking  too.  The  question 
was,  which  way  to  retreat;  but  all  were  so  flurried  that 
nobody  seemed  to  have  even  a  guess  to  offer.  Except 
Lyman.  He  explained  in  a  few  calm  words  that,  inas- 
much as  the  enemy  were  approaching  from  over 
Hyde's  prairie,  our  course  was  simple:  all  we  had  to 
do  was  not  to  retreat  towards  him ;  any  other  direction 
would  answer  our  needs  perfectly.  Everybody  saw  in 
a  moment  how  true  this  was,  and  how  wise;  so  Lvman 
got  a  great  many  compliments.  It  was  now  decided 
that  we  should  fall  back  on  Mason's  farm. 

It  was  after  dark  by  this  time,  and  as  we  could  not 
know  how  soon  the  enemy  might  arrive,  it  did  not 
seem  best  to  try  to  take  the  horses  and  things  with  us ; 
so  we  only  took  the  guns  and  ammunition,  and  started 
at  once.  The  route  was  very  rough  and  hilly  and 
rocky,  and  presently  the  night  grew  very  black  and 
rain  began  to  fall ;  so  we  had  a  troublesome  time  of  it, 
struggling  and  stumbling  along  in  the  dark ;  and  soon 
some  person  slipped  and  fell,  and  then  the  next  person 
behind  stumbled  over  him  and  fell,  and  so  did  the  rest, 
one  after  the  other ;  and  then  Bowers  came  with  the  keg 
of  powder  in  his  arms,  while  the  command  were  all 
mixed  together,  arms  and  legs,  on  the  muddy  slope; 
and  so  he  fell,  of  course,  with  the  keg,  and  this  started 
the  whole  detachment  down  the  hill  in  a  bodyt  and 


246    The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed 

they  landed  in  the  brook  at  the  bottom  in  a  pile,  and 
each  that  was  undermost  pulling  the  hair  and  scratch- 
ing and  biting  those  that  were  on  top  of  him ;  and 
those  that  were  being  scratched  and  bitten  scratching 
and  biting  the  rest  in  their  turn,  and  all  saying  they 
would  die  before  they  would  ever  go  to  war  again  if 
they  ever  got  out  of  this  brook  this  time,  and  the  in- 
vader might  rot  for  all  they  cared,  and  the  country 
along  with  him  —  and  all  such  talk  as  that,  which  was 
dismal  to  hear  and  take  part  in,  in  such  smothered, 
low  voices,  and  such  a  grisly  dark  place  and  so  wet, 
and  the  enemy,  maybe,  coming  any  moment. 

The  keg  of  powder  was  lost,  and  the  guns,  too ;  so 
the  growling  and  complaining  continued  straight  along 
while  the  brigade  pawed  around  the  pasty  hillside  and 
slopped  around  in  the  brook  hunting  for  these  things ; 
consequently  we  lost  considerable  time  at  this;  and 
then  we  heard  a  sound,  and  held  our  breath  and 
listened,  and  it  seemed  to  be  the  enemy  coming, 
though  it  could  have  been  a  cow,  for  it  had  a  cough 
like  a  cow ;  but  we  did  not  wait,  but  left  a  couple  of 
guns  behind  and  struck  out  for  Mason's  again  as  briskly 
as  we  could  scramble  along  in  the  dark.  But  we  got 
lost  presently  among  the  rugged  little  ravines,  and 
wasted  a  deal  of  time  finding  the  way  again,  so  it  was 
after  nine  when  we  reached  Mason's  stile  at  last;  and 
then  before  we  could  open  our  mouths  to  give  the 
countersign  several  dogs  came  bounding  over  the 
fence,  with  great  riot  and  noise,  and  each  of  them  took 
a  soldier  by  the  slack  of  his  trousers  and  began  to  back 
away  with  him.  We  could  not  shoot  the  dogs  without 
endangering  the  persons  they  were  attached  to ;  so  we 
had  to  look  on  helpless,  at  what  was  perhaps  the  most 
mortifying  spectacle  of  the  Civil  War.  There  was 
light  enough,  and  to  spare,  for  the  Masons  had  now 
run  out  on  the  porch  with  candles  in  their  hands.  The 


The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed    24? 

old  man  and  his  son  came  and  undid  the  dogs  without 
difficulty,  all  but  Bowers's;  but  they  couldn't  undo  his 
dog,  they  didn't  know  his  combination;  he  was  of  the 
bull  kind,  and  seemed  to  be  set  with  a  Yale  time-lock; 
but  they  got  him  loose  at  last  with  some  scalding  water, 
of  which  Bowers  got  his  share  and  returned  thanks. 
Peterson  Dunlap  afterwards  made  up  a  fine  name  for 
this  engagement,  and  also  for  the  night  march  which 
preceded  it,  but  both  have  long  ago  faded  out  of  my 
memory. 

We  now  went  into  the  house,  and  they  began  to  ask 
us  a  world  of  questions,  whereby  it  presently  came  out 
that  we  did  not  know  anything  concerning  who  or  what 
we  were  running  from;  so  the  old  gentleman  made 
himself  very  frank,  and  said  we  were  a  curious  breed 
of  soldiers,  and  guessed  we  could  be  depended  on  to 
end  up  the  war  in  time,  because  no  government  could 
stand  the  expense  of  the  shoe-leather  we  should  cost  it 
trying  to  follow  us  around.  "  Marion  Rangers  !  good 
name,  b'gosh!"  said  he.  And  wanted  to  know  why 
we  hadn't  had  a  picket-guard  at  the  place  where  the 
road  entered  the  prairie,  and  why  we  hadn't  sent  out  a 
scouting  party  to  spy  out  the  enemy  and  bring  us  an 
account  of  his  strength,  and  so  on,  before  jumping  up 
and  stampeding  out  of  a  strong  position  upon  a  mere 
vague  rumor  —  and  so  on,  and  so  forth,  till  he  made 
us  all  feel  shabbier  than  the  dogs  had  done,  not  half  so 
enthusiastically  welcome.  So  we  went  to  bed  shamed 
and  low-spirited ;  except  Stevens.  Soon  Stevens  began 
to  devise  a  garment  for  Bowers  which  could  be  made 
to  automatically  display  his  battle-scars  to  the  grateful, 
or  conceal  them  from  the  envious,  according  to  his 
occasions;  but  Bowers  was  in  no  humor  for  this,  so 
there  was  a  fight,  and  when  it  was  over  Stevens  had 
some  battle-scars  of  his  own  to  think  about. 

Then  we  got  a  little  sleep.     But  after  all  we  had 


248    The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  failed 

gone  through,  our  activities  were  not  over  for  the 
night;  for  about  two  o'clock  in  the  morning  we  heard 
a  shout  of  warning  from  down  the  lane,  accompanied 
by  a  chorus  from  all  the  dogs,  and  in  a  moment  every- 
body was  up  and  flying  around  to  find  out  what  the 
alarm  was  about.  The  alarmist  was  a  horseman  who 
gave  notice  that  a  detachment  of  Union  soldiers  was 
on  its  way  from  Hannibal  with  orders  to  capture  and 
hang  any  bands  like  ours  which  it  could  find,  and  said 
we  had  no  time  to  lose.  Farmer  Mason  was  in  a  flurry 
this  time  himself.  He  hurried  us  out  of  the  house  with 
all  haste,  and  sent  one  of  his  negroes  with  us  to  show 
us  where  to  hide  ourselves  and  our  telltale  guns  among 
the  ravines  half  a  mile  away.  It  was  raining  heavily. 

We  struck  down  the  lane,  then  across  some  rocky 
pasture-land  which  offered  good  advantages  for  stum- 
bling; consequently  we  were  down  in  the  mud  most  of 
the  time,  and  every  time  a  man  went  down  he  black- 
guarded the  war,  and  the  people  that  started  it,  and 
everybody  connected  with  it,  and  gave  himself  the 
master  dose  of  all  for  being  so  foolish  as  to  go  into  it. 
At  last  we  reached  the  wooded  mouth  of  a  ravine,  and 
there  we  huddled  ourselves  under  the  streaming  trees, 
and  sent  the  negro  back  home.  It  was  a  dismal  and 
heart-breaking  time.  We  were  like  to  be  drowned 
with  the  rain,  deafened  with  the  howling  wind  and  the 
booming  thunder,  and  blinded  by  the  lightning.  It 
was,  indeed,  a  wild  night.  The  drenching  we  were 
getting  was  misery  enough,  but  a  deeper  misery  still 
was  the  reflection  that  the  halter  might  end  us  before 
we  were  a  day  older.  A  death  of  this  shameful  sort 
had  not  occurred  to  us  as  being  among  the  possibilities 
of  war.  It  took  the  romance  all  out  of  the  campaign, 
and  turned  our  dreams  of  glory  into  a  repulsive  night- 
mare. As  for  doubting  that  so  barbarous  an  order  had 
been  given,  not  one  of  us  did  that. 


The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed    249 

The  long  night  wore  itself  out  at  last,  and  then  the 
negro  came  to  us  with  the  news  that  the  alarm  had 
manifestly  been  a  false  one,  and  that  breakfast  would 
soon  be  ready.  Straightway  we  were  light-hearted 
again,  and  the  world  was  bright,  and  life  as  full  of 
hope  and  promise  as  ever  —  for  we  were  young  then. 
How  long  ago  that  was  !  Twenty-four  years. 

The  mongrel  child  of  philology  named  the  night's 
refuge  Camp  Devastation,  and  no  soul  objected.  The 
Masons  gave  us  a  Missouri  country  breakfast,  in  Mis- 
sourian  abundance,  and  we  needed  it:  hot  biscuits; 
hot  " wheat  bread,"  prettily  criss-crossed  in  a  lattice 
pattern  on  top ;  hot  corn  pone;  fried  chicken;  bacon, 
coffee,  eggs,  milk,  buttermilk,  etc. ;  and  the  world  may 
be  confidently  challenged  to  furnish  the  equal  of  such 
a  breakfast,  as  it  is  cooked  in  the  South. 

We  stayed  several  days  at  Mason's;  and  after  all 
these  years  the  memory  of  the  dullness,  and  stillness, 
and  lifelessness  of  that  slumberous  farmhouse  still 
oppresses  my  spirit  as  with  a  sense  of  the  presence  of 
death  and  mourning.  There  was  nothing  to  do,  noth- 
ing to  think  about;  there  was  no  interest  in  life.  The 
male  part  of  the  household  were  away  in  the  fields  all  day, 
the  women  were  busy  and  out  of  our  sight ;  there  was 
no  sound  but  the  plaintive  wailing  of  a  spinning-wheel, 
forever  moaning  out  from  some  distant  room  —  the 
most  lonesome  sound  in  nature,  a  sound  steeped  and 
sodden  with  homesickness  and  the  emptiness  of  life. 
The  family  went  to  bed  about  dark  every  night,  and  as 
we  were  not  invited  to  intrude  any  new  customs  we 
naturally  followed  theirs.  Those  nights  were  a  hun- 
dred years  long  to  youths  accustomed  to  being  up  till 
twelve.  We  lay  awake  and  miserable  till  that  hour 
every  time,  and  grew  old  and  decrepit  waiting  through 
the  still  eternities  for  the  clock-strikes.  This  was  no 
place  for  town  boys.  So  at  last  it  was  with  something 


250   The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed 

very  like  joy  that  we  received  news  that  the  enemy  were 
on  our  track  again.  With  a  new  birth  of  the  old 
warrior  spirit  we  sprang  to  our  places  in  line  of  battle 
and  fell  back  on  Camp  Rails. 

Captain  Lyman  had  take  a  hint  from  Mason's  talk, 
and  he  now  gave  orders  that  our  camp  should  be 
guarded  against  surprise  by  the  posting  of  pickets.  I 
was  ordered  to  place  a  picket  at  the  forks  of  the  road 
in  Hyde's  prairie.  Night  shut  down  black  and  threaten- 
ing. I  told  Sergeant  Bowers  to  go  out  to  that  place 
and  stay  till  midnight;  and,  just  as  I  was  expecting, 
he  said  he  wouldn't  do  it.  I  tried  to  get  others  to  go, 
but  all  refused.  Some  excused  themselves  on  account 
of  the  weather ;  but  the  rest  were  frank  enough  to  say 
they  wouldn't  go  in  any  kind  of  weather.  This  kind 
of  thing  sounds  odd  now,  and  impossible,  but  there 
was  no  surprise  in  it  at  the  time.  On  the  contrary,  it 
seemed  a  perfectly  natural  thing  to  do.  There  were 
scores  of  little  camps  scattered  over  Missouri  where  the 
same  thing  was  happening.  These  camps  were  com- 
posed of  young  men  who  had  been  born  and  reared  to 
a  sturdy  independence,  and  who  did  not  know  what  it 
meant  to  be  ordered  around  by  Tom,  Dick,  and  Harry, 
whom  they  had  known  familiarly  all  their  lives,  in  the 
village  or  on  the  farm.  It  is  quite  within  the  proba- 
bilities that  this  same  thing  was  happening  all  over  the 
South.  James  Redpath  recognized  the  justice  of  this 
assumption,  and  furnished  the  following  instance  in 
support  of  it.  During  a  short  stay  in  East  Tennessee 
he  was  in  a  citizen  colonel's  tent  one  day  talking,  when 
a  big  private  appeared  at  the  door,  and,  without  salute 
or  other  circumlocution,  said  to  the  colonel: 

"  Say,  Jim,  I'm  a-goin'  home  for  a  few  days." 

"What  for?" 

"  Well,  I  hain't  b'en  there  for  a  right  smart  while, 
and  I'd  like  to  see  how  things  is  comin'  on." 


The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed    251 

44  How  long  are  you  going  to  be  gone?" 

11  'Bout  two  weeks." 

44  Well,  don't  be  gone  longer  than  that;  and  get 
back  sooner  if  you  can." 

That  was  all,  and  the  citizen  officer  resumed  his  con- 
versation where  the  private  had  broken  it  off.  This 
was  in  the  first  months  of  the  war,  of  course.  The 
camps  in  our  part  of  Missouri  were  under  Brigadier- 
General  Thomas  H.  Harris.  He  was  a  townsman  of 
ours,  a  first-rate  fellow,  and  well  liked;  but  we  had 
all  familiarly  known  him  as  the  sole  and  modest-sala- 
ried operator  in  our  telegraph  office,  where  he  had  to 
send  about  one  dispatch  a  week  in  ordinary  times,  and 
two  when  there  was  a  rush  of  business ;  consequently, 
when  he  appeared  in  our  midst  one  day,  on  the  wing, 
and  delivered  a  military  command  of  some  sort,  in  a 
large  military  fashion,  nobody  was  surprised  at  the 
response  which  he  got  from  the  assembled  soldiery : 

44  Oh,  now,  what'll  you  take  to  don't,  Tom  Harris?" 

It  was  quite  the  natural  thing.  One  might  justly 
imagine  that  we  were  hopeless  material  for  war.  And 
so  we  seemed,  in  our  ignorant  state;  but  there  were 
those  among  us  who  afterwards  learned  the  grim  trade ; 
learned  to  obey  like  machines ;  became  valuable 
soldiers ;  fought  all  through  the  war,  and  came  out  at 
the  end  with  excellent  records.  One  of  the  very  boys 
who  refused  to  go  out  on  picket  duty  that  night,  and 
called  me  an  ass  for  thinking  he  would  expose  himself 
to  danger  in  such  a  foolhardy  way,  had  become  dis- 
tinguished for  intrepidity  before  he  was  a  year  older. 

I  did  secure  my  picket  that  night  —  not  by  authority, 
but  by  diplomacy.  I  got  Bowers  to  go  by  agreeing  to 
exchange  ranks  with  him  for  the  time  being,  and  go 
along  and  stand  the  watch  with  him  as  his  subordinate. 
We  stayed  out  there  a  couple  of  dreary  hours  in  the 
pitchy  darkness  and  the  rain,  with  nothing  to  modify 


252    The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed 

the  dreariness  but  Bowers' s  monotonous  growlings  at 
the  war  and  the  weather;  then  we  began  to  nod,  and 
presently  found  it  next  to  impossible  to  stay  in  the 
saddle;  so  we  gave  up  the  tedious  job,  and  went  back 
to  the  camp  without  waiting  for  the  relief  guard.  We 
rode  into  camp  without  interruption  or  objection  from 
anybody,  and  the  enemy  could  have  done  the  same, 
for  there  were  no  sentries.  Everybody  was  asleep  ;  at 
midnight  there  was  nobody  to  send  out  another  picket, 
so  none  was  sent.  We  never  tried  to  establish  a  watch 
at  night  again,  as  far  as  I  remember,  but  we  generally 
kept  a  picket  out  in  the  daytime. 

In  that  camp  the  whole  command  slept  on  the  corn 
in  the  big  corn-crib ;  and  there  was  usually  a  general 
row  before  morning,  for  the  place  was  full  of  rats,  and 
they  would  scramble  over  the  boys'  bodies  and  faces, 
annoying  and  irritating  everybody ;  and  now  and  then 
they  would  bite  some  one's  toe,  and  the  person  who 
owned  the  toe  would  start  up  and  magnify  his  English 
and  begin  to  throw  corn  in  the  dark.  The  ears  were 
half  as  heavy  as  bricks,  and  when  they  struck  they 
hurt.  The  persons  struck  would  respond,  and  inside 
of  five  minutes  every  man  would  be  locked  in  a  death- 
grip  with  his  neighbor.  There  was  a  grievous  deal  of 
blood  shed  in  the  corn-crib,  but  this  was  all  that  was 
spilt  while  I  was  in  the  war.  No,  that  is  not  quite 
true.  But  for  one  circumstance  it  would  have  been 
all.  I  will  come  to  that  now. 

Our  scares  were  frequent.  Every  few  days  rumors 
would  come  that  the  enemy  were  approaching.  In 
these  cases  we  always  fell  back  on  some  other  camp  of 
ours;  we  never  stayed  where  we  were.  But  the  rumors 
always  turned  out  to  be  false ;  so  at  last  even  we  began 
to  grow  indifferent  to  them.  One  night  a  negro  was 
sent  to  our  corn-crib  with  the  same  old  warning :  the 
enemy  was  hovering  in  our  neighborhood.  We  all  said 


The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed    253 

let  him  hover.  We  resolved  to  stay  still  and  be  com- 
fortable. It  was  a  fine  warlike  resolution,  and  no 
doubt  we  all  felt  the  stir  of  it  in  our  veins  —  for  a 
moment.  We  had  been  having  a  very  jolly  time,  that 
was  full  of  horse-play  and  school-boy  hilarity;  but 
that  cooled  down  now,  and  presently  the  fast-waning 
fire  of  forced  jokes  and  forced  laughs  died  out  alto- 
gether, and  the  company  became  silent.  Silent  and 
nervous.  And  soon  uneasy  —  worried  —  apprehen- 
sive. We  had  said  we  would  stay,  and  we  were  com- 
mitted. We  could  have  been  persuaded  to  go,  but 
there  was  nobody  brave  enough  to  suggest  it.  An 
almost  noiseless  movement  presently  began  in  the  dark 
by  a  general  but  unvoiced  impulse.  When  the  move- 
ment was  completed  each  man  knew  that  he  was  not 
the  only  person  who  had  crept  to  the  front  wall  and 
had  his  eye  at  a  crack  between  the  logs.  No,  we  were 
all  there;  all  there  with  our  hearts  in  our  throats,  and 
staring  out  towards  the  sugar-troughs  where  the  forest 
footpath  came  through.  It  was  late,  and  there  was  a 
deep  woodsy  stillness  everywhere.  There  was  a  veiled 
moonlight,  which  was  only  just  strong  enough  to  enable 
us  to  mark  the  general  shape  of  objects.  Presently  a 
muffled  sound  caught  our  ears,  and  we  recognized  it  as 
the  hoof-beats  of  a  horse  or  horses.  And  right  away 
a  figure  appeared  in  the  forest  path;  it  could  have 
been  made  of  smoke,  its  mass  had  so  little  sharpness 
of  outline.  It  was  a  man  on  horseback,  and  it  seemed 
to  me  that  there  were  others  behind  him.  I  got  hold 
of  a  gun  in  the  dark,  and  pushed  it  through  a  crack 
between  the  logs,  hardly  knowing  what  I  was  doing,  I 
was  so  dazed  with  fright.  Somebody  said  "  Fire !"  I 
pulled  the  trigger.  I  seemed  to  see  a  hundred  flashes 
and  hear  a  hundred  reports ;  then  I  saw  the  man  fall 
down  out  of  the  saddle.  My  first  feeling  was  of  sur- 
">rised  gratification ;  my  first  impulse  was  an  apprentice- 


254    The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed 

sportsman's  impulse  to  run  and  pick  up  his  game. 
Somebody  said,  hardly  audibly,  "  Good  —  we've  got 
him  !  —  wait  for  the  rest."  But  the  rest  did  not  come. 
We  waited  —  listened  —  still  no  more  came.  There 
was  not  a  sound,  not  the  whisper  of  a  leaf;  just  perfect 
stillness;  an  uncanny  kind  of  stillness,  which  was  all 
the  more  uncanny  on  account  of  the  damp,  earthy, 
late-night  smells  now  rising  and  pervading  it.  Then, 
wondering,  we  crept  stealthily  out,  and  approached  the 
man.  When  we  got  to  him  the  moon  revealed  him 
distinctly.  He  was  lying  on  his  back,  with  his  arms 
abroad ;  his  mouth  was  open  and  his  chest  heaving 
with  long  gasps,  and  his  white  shirt-front  was  all 
splashed  with  blood.  The  thought  shot  through  me 
that  I  was  a  murderer ;  that  I  had  killed  a  man  • —  a 
man  who  had  never  done  me  any  harm.  That  was  the 
coldest  sensation  that  ever  went  through  my  marrow. 
I  was  down  by  him  in  a  moment,  helplessly  stroking 
his  forehead ;  and  I  would  have  given  anything  then  — 
my  own  life  freely  —  to  make  him  again  what  he  had 
been  five  minutes  before.  And  all  the  boys  seemed  to 
be  feeling  in  the  same  way;  they  hung  over  him,  full 
of  pitying  interest,  and  tried  all  they  could  to  help  him, 
and  said  all  sorts  of  regretful  things.  They  had  for- 
gotten all  about  the  .enemy;  they  thought  only  of  this 
one  forlorn  unit  of  the  foe.  Once  my  imagination 
persuaded  me  that  the  dying  man  gave  me  a  reproach- 
ful look  out  of  his  shadowy  eyes,  and  it  seemed  to  me 
that  I  could  rather  he  had  stabbed  me  than  done  that. 
He  muttered  and  mumbled  like  a  dreamer  in  his  sleep 
about  his  wife  and  his  child ;  and  I  thought  with  a  new 
despair,  **  This  thing  that  I  have  done  does  not  end 
with  him;  it  falls  upon  them  too,  and  they  never  did 
me  any  harm,  any  more  than  he." 

In  a  little  while  the  man  was  dead.     He  was  killed  in 
war;  killed  in  fair  and  legitimate  war;   killed  in  battle, 


The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed    255 

as  you  may  say ;  and  yet  he  was  as  sincerely  mourned 
by  the  opposing  force  as  if  he  had  been  their  brother. 
The  boys  stood  there  a  half-hour  sorrowing  over  him, 
and  recalling  the  details  of  the  tragedy,  and  wondering 
who  he  might  be,  and  if  he  were  a  spy,  and  saying 
that  if  it  were  to  do  over  again  they  would  not  hurt 
him  unless  he  attacked  them  first.  It  soon  came  out 
that  mine  was  not  the  only  shot  fired ;  there  were  five 
others  —  a  division  of  the  guilt  which  was  a  great  relief 
to  me,  since  it  in  some  degree  lightened  and  diminished 
the  burden  I  was  carrying.  There  were  six  shots  fired 
at  once ;  but  I  was  not  in  my  right  mind  at  the  time, 
and  my  heated  imagination  had  magnified  my  one  shot 
into  a  volley. 

The  man  was  not  in  uniform,  and  was  not  armed. 
He  was  a  stranger  in  the  country ;  that  was  all  we  ever 
found  out  about  him.  The  thought  of  him  got  to 
preying  upon  me  every  night;  I  could  not  get  rid  of 
it.  I  could  not  drive  it  away,  the  taking  of  that  un- 
offending life  seemed  such  a  wanton  thing.  And  it 
seemed  an  epitome  of  war;  that  all  war  must  be  just 
that  —  the  killing  of  strangers  against  whom  you  feel 
no  personal  animosity;  strangers  whom,  in  other  cir- 
cumstances, you  would  help  if  you  found  them  in 
trouble,  and  who  would  help  you  if  you  needed  it. 
My  campaign  was  spoiled.  It  seemed  to  me  that  I  was 
not  rightly  equipped  for  this  awful  business ;  that  war 
was  intended  for  men,  and  I  for  a  child's  nurse.  I 
resolved  to  retire  from  this  avocation  of  sham  soldier- 
ship while  I  could  save  some  remnant  of  my  self- 
respect.  These  morbid  thoughts  clung  to  me  against 
reason ;  for  at  bottom  I  did  not  believe  I  had  touched 
that  man.  The  law  of  probabilities  decreed  me  guilt- 
less of  his  blood ;  for  in  all  my  small  experience  with 
guns  I  had  never  hit  anything  I  had  tried  to  hit,  and  I 
knew  I  had  done  my  best  to  hit  him.  Yet  there  was 


256    The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed 

no  solace  in  the  thought.     Against  a  diseased  imagine 
tion  demonstration  goes  for  nothing. 

The  rest  of  my  war  experience  was  of  a  piece  witl 
what  I  have  already  told  of  it.  We  kept  monotonously 
falling  back  upon  one  camp  or  another,  and  eating  up 
the  country.  I  marvel  now  at  the  patience  of  the 
farmers  and  their  families.  They  ought  to  have  shot 
us ;  on  the  contrary,  they  were  as  hospitably  kind  and 
courteous  to  us  as  if  we  had  deserved  it.  In  one  of 
these  camps  we  found  Ab  Grimes,  an  Upper  Mississippi 
pilot,  who  afterwards  became  famous  as  a  dare-devil 
rebel  spy,  whose  career  bristled  with  desperate  adven- 
tures. The  look  and  style  of  his  comrades  suggested 
that  they  had  not  come  into  the  war  to  play,  and  their 
deeds  made  good  the  conjecture  later.  They  were  fine 
horsemen  and  good  revolver  shots;  but  their  favorite 
arm  was  the  lasso.  Each  had  one  at  his  pommel,  and 
could  snatch  a  man  out  of  the  saddle  with  it  every 
time,  on  a  full  gallop,  at  any  reasonable  distance. 

In  another  camp  the  chief  was  a  fierce  and  profane 
old  blacksmith  of  sixty,  and  he  had  furnished  his 
twenty  recruits  with  gigantic  home-made  bowie-knives, 
to  be  swung  with  two  hands,  like  the  machetes  of  the 
Isthmus.  It  was  a  grisly  spectacle  to  see  that  earnest 
band  practicing  their  murderous  cuts  and  slashes  under 
the  eye  of  that  remorseless  old  fanatic. 

The  last  camp  which  we  fell  back  upon  was  in  a 
hollow  near  the  village  of  Florida,  where  I  was  born  — 
in  Monroe  County.  Here  we  were  warned  one  day 
that  a  Union  colonel  was  sweeping  down  on  us  with  a 
whole  regiment  at  his  heel.  This  looked  decidedly 
serious.  Our  boys  went  apart  and  consulted;  then  we 
went  back  and  told  the  other  companies  present  that 
the  war  was  a  disappointment  to  us,  and  we  were  going 
to  disband.  They  were  getting  ready  themselves  to 
fall  back  on  some  place  or  other,  and  were  only  waiting 


The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  that  Failed    257 

for  General  Tom  Harris,  who  was  expected  to  arrive  at 
any  moment ;  so  they  tried  to  persuade  us  to  wait  a 
little  while,  but  the  majority  of  us  said  no,  we  were  ac- 
customed to  falling  back,  and  didn't  need  any  of  Tom 
Harris's  help;  we  could  get  along  perfectly  well  with- 
out him  —  and  save  time,  too.  So  about  half  of  our 
fifteen,  including  myself,  mounted  and  left  on  the  in- 
stant ;  the  others  yielded  to  persuasion  and  stayed  — 
stayed  through  the  war. 

An  hour  later  we  met  General  Harris  on  the  road, 
with  two  or  three  people  in  his  company  —  his  staff, 
probably,  but  we  could  not  tell ;  none  of  them  were  in 
uniform ;  uniforms  had  not  come  into  vogue  among  us 
yet.  Harris  ordered  us  back ;  but  we  told  him  there 
was  a  Union  colonel  coming  with  a  whole  regiment  in 
his  wake,  and  it  looked  as  if  there  was  going  to  be  a 
disturbance;  so  we  had  concluded  to  go  home.  He 
raged  a  little,  but  it  was  of  no  use;  our  minds  were 
made  up.  We  had  done  our  share;  had  killed  one 
man,  exterminated  one  army,  such  as  it  was;  let  him 
go  and  kill  the  rest,  and  that  would  end  the  war.  I 
did  not  see  that  brisk  young  general  again  until  last 
year;  then  he  was  wearing  white  hair  and  whiskers. 

In  time  I  came  to  know  that  Union  colonel  whose 
coming  frightened  me  out  of  the  war  and  crippled  the 
Southern  cause  to  that  extent  —  General  Grant.  I 
came  within  a  few  hours  of  seeing  him  when  he  was  as 
unknown  as  I  was  myself;  at  a  time  when  anybody 
could  have  said,  "  Grant?  —  Ulysses  S.  Grant?  I  do 
not  remember  hearing  the  name  before."  It  seems 
difficult  to  realize  that  there  was  once  a  time  when  such 
a  remark  could  be  rationally  made ;  but  there  was,  and  I 
was  within  a  few  miles  of  the  place  and  the  occasion, 
too,  though  proceeding  in  the  other  direction. 

The  thoughtful  will  not  throw  this  war  paper  of f mine 
lightly  aside  as  being  valueless.  It  has  this  value :  it 
17«#* 


258    The  Private  History  of  a  Campaign  thai  Failed 

is  a  not  unfair  picture  of  what  went  on  in  many  and 
many  a  militia  camp  in  the  first  months  of  the  rebellion, 
when  the  green  recruits  were  without  discipline,  without 
the  steadying  and  heartening  influence  of  trained  lead- 
ers ;  when  all  their  circumstances  were  new  and  strange, 
and  charged  with  exaggerated  terrors,  and  before  the 
invaluable  experience  of  actual  collision  in  the  field 
had  turned  them  from  rabbits  into  soldiers.  If  this 
side  of  the  picture  of  that  early  day  has  not  before 
been  put  into  history,  then  history  has  been  to  that 
degree  incomplete,  for  it  had  and  has  its  rightful  place 
there.  There  was  more  Bull  Run  material  scattered 
through  the  early  camps  of  this  country  than  exhibited 
itself  at  Bull  Run.  And  yet  it  learned  its  trade  pres- 
ently, and  helped  to  fight  the  great  battles  later.  I 
could  have  become  a  soldier  myself  if  I  had  waited- 
I  had  got  part  of  it  learned ;  I  knew  more  about  re 
treating  than  the  man  that  invented  retreating. 


LUCK 

IT  was  at  a  banquet  in  London  in  honor  of  one  of  the 
two  or  three  conspicuously  illustrious  English  mili- 
tary names  of  this  generation.  For  reasons  which  will 
presently  appear,  I  will  withhold  his  real  name  and 
titles  and  call  him  Lieutenant-General  Lord  Arthur 
Scoresby,  Y.C.,  K.C.B.,  etc.,  etc.,  etc.  What  a  fas- 
cination there  is  in  a  renowned  name  !  There  sat  the 
man,  in  actual  flesh,  whom  I  had  heard  of  so  many 
thousands  of  times  since  that  day,  thirty  years  before, 
when  his  name  shot  suddenly  to  the  zenith  from  a 
Crimean  battlefield,  to  remain  forever  celebrated.  It 
was  food  and  drink  to  me  to  look,  and  look,  and  look 
at  that  demi-god;  scanning,  searching,  noting:  the 
quietness,  the  reserve,  the  noble  gravity  of  his  counte- 
nance ;  the  simple  honesty  that  expressed  itself  all 
over  him ;  the  sweet  unconsciousness  of  his  greatness 
—  unconsciousness  of  the  hundreds  of  admiring  eyes 
fastened  upon  him,  unconsciousness  of  the  deep, 
loving,  sincere  worship  welling  out  of  the  breasts  of 
those  people  and  flowing  towards  him. 

The  clergyman  at  my  left  was  an  old  acquaintance 
of  mine  —  clergyman  now,  but  had  spent  the  first  half 
of  his  life  in  the  camp  and  field  and  as  an  instructor  in 
the  military  school  at  Woolwich.  Just  at  the  moment 
I  have  been  talking  about,  a  veiled  and  singular  light 

[NOTE. — This  is  not  a  fancy  sketch.  I  got  it  from  a  clergyman  who 
was  an  instructor  at  Woolwich  forty  years  ago,  and  who  vouched  for  its 
truth.—  M.  T.] 

Q***  (259) 


260 

glimmered  in  his  eyes  and  he  leaned  down  and  mut- 
tered confidentially  to  me  —  indicating  the  hero  of  the 
banquet  with  a  gesture  : 

"  Privately  —  he's  an  absolute  fool." 

This  verdict  was  a  great  surprise  to  me.  If  its  sub- 
ject had  been  Napoleon,  or  Socrates,  or  Solomon,  my 
astonishment  could  not  have  been  greater.  Two  things 
I  was  well  aware  of :  that  the  Reverend  was  a  man  of 
strict  veracity  and  that  his  judgment  of  men  was  good. 
Therefore  I  knew,  beyond  doubt  or  question,  that  the 
world  was  mistaken  about  this  hero :  he  was  a  fool. 
So  I  meant  to  find  out,  at  a  convenient  moment,  how 
the  Reverend,  all  solitary  and  alone,  had  discovered 
the  secret. 

Some  days  later  the  opportunity  came,  and  this  is 
what  the  Reverend  told  me  : 

About  forty  years  ago  I  was  an  instructor  in  the 
military  academy  at  Woolwich.  I  was  present  in  one 
of  the  sections  when  young  Scoresby  underwent  his 
preliminary  examination.  I  was  touched  to  the  quick 
with  pity,  for  the  rest  of  the  class  answered  up  brightly 
and  handsomely,  while  he- — why,  dear  me,  he  didn't 
know  anything,  so  to  speak.  He  was  evidently  good, 
and  sweet,  and  lovable,  and  guileless;  and  so  it  was 
exceedingly  painful  to  see  him  stand  there,  as  serene 
as  a  graven  image,  and  deliver  himself  of  answers 
which  were  veritably  miraculous  for  stupidity  and  igno- 
rance. All  the  compassion  in  me  was  aroused  in  his 
behalf.  I  said  to  myself,  when  he  comes  to  be  ex- 
amined again  he  will  be  flung  over,  of  course;  so  it 
will  be  simply  a  harmless  act  of  charity  to  ease  his  fall 
as  much  as  I  can.  I  took  him  aside  and  found  that 
he  knew  a  little  of  Caesar's  history;  and  as  he  didn't 
know  anything  else,  I  went  to  work  and  drilled  him 
like  a  galley-slave  on  a  certain  line  of  stock  questions 


Luck  261 

concerning  Caesar  which  I  knew  would  be  used.  If 
you'll  believe  me,  he  went  through  with  flying  colors 
on  examination  day !  He  went  through  on  that  purely 
superficial  "  cram,"  and  got  compliments  too,  while 
others,  who  knew  a  thousand  times  more  than  he,  got 
plucked.  By  some  strangely  lucky  accident  —  an  acci- 
dent not  likely  to  happen  twice  in  a  century  —  he  was 
asked  no  question  outside  of  the  narrow  limits  of  his 
drill. 

It  was  stupefying.  Well,  all  through  his  course  I 
stood  by  him,  with  something  of  the  sentiment  which 
a  mother  feels  for  a  crippled  child;  and  he  always 
saved  himself —  just  by  miracle,  apparently. 

Now,  of  course,  the  thing  that  would  expose  him 
and  kill  him  at  last  was  mathematics.  I  resolved  to 
make  his  death  as  easy  as  I  could ;  so  I  drilled  him 
and  crammed  him,  and  crammed  him  and  drilled  him, 
just  on  the  line  of  questions  which  the  examiners 
would  be  most  likely  to  use,  and  then  launched  him 
on  his  fate.  Well,  sir,  try  to  conceive  of  the  result: 
to  my  consternation,  he  took  the  first  prize!  And 
with  it  he  got  a  perfect  ovation  in  the  way  of  compli- 
ments. 

Sleep?  There  was  no  more  sleep  for  me  for  a 
week.  My  conscience  tortured  me  day  and  night. 
What  I  had  done  I  had  done  purely  through  charity, 
and  only  to  ease  the  poor  youth's  fall.  I  never  had 
dreamed  of  any  such  preposterous  results  as  the  thing 
that  had  hapened.  I  felt  as  guilty  and  miserable  as 
Frankenstein.  Here  was  a  wooden-head  whom  I  had 
put  in  the  way  of  glittering  promotions  and  prodigious 
responsibilities,  and  but  one  thing  could  happen:  he 
and  his  responsibilities  would  all  go  to  ruin  together  at 
the  first  opportunity. 

The  Crimean  War  had  just  broken  out.  Of  course 
there  had  to  be  a  war,  I  said  to  myself.  We  couldn't 


262  Luck 

have  peace  and  give  this  donkey  a  chance  to  die  before 
he  is  found  out.  I  waited  for  the  earthquake.  It 
came.  And  it  made  me  reel  when  it  did  come.  He 
was  actually  gazetted  to  a  captaincy  in  a  marching 
regiment !  Better  men  grow  old  and  gray  in  the  service 
before  they  climb  to  a  sublimity  like  that.  And  who 
could  ever  have  foreseen  that  they  would  go  and  put 
such  a  load  of  responsibility  on  such  green  and  inade- 
quate shoulders?  I  could  just  barely  have  stood  it  if 
they  had  made  him  a  cornet ;  but  a  captain  —  think  of 
it!  I  thought  my  hair  would  turn  white. 

Consider  what  I  did  —  I  who  so  loved  repose  and 
inaction.  I  said  to  myself,  I  am  responsible  to  the 
country  for  this,  and  I  must  go  along  with  him  and 
protect  the  country  against  him  as  far  as  I  can.  So  I 
took  my  poor  little  capital  that  I  had  saved  up  through 
years  of  work  and  grinding  economy,  and  went  with  a 
sigh  and  bought  a  cornetcy  in  his  regiment,  and  away 
we  went  to  the  field. 

And  there  —  oh,  dear,  it  was  awful.  Blunders?  — 
why,  he  never  did  anything  but  blunder.  But,  you 
see,  nobody  was  in  the  fellow's  secret.  Everybody 
had  him  focused  wrong,  and  necessarily  misinterpreted 
his  performance  every  time.  Consequently  they  took 
his  idiotic  blunders  for  inspirations  of  genius.  They 
did,  honestly !  His  mildest  blunders  were  enough  to 
make  a  man  in  his  right  mind  cry ;  and  they  did  make 
me  cry  —  and  rage  and  rave,  too,  privately.  And  the 
thing  that  kept  me  always  in  a  sweat  of  apprehension 
was  the  fact  that  every  fresh  blunder  he  made  increased 
the  luster  of  his  reputation  !  I  kept  saying  to  myself, 
he'll  get  so  high,  that  when  discovery  does  finally 
come,  it  will  be  like  the  sun  falling  out  of  the  sky. 

He  went  right  along  up,  from  grade  to  grade,  over 
the  dead  bodies  of  his  superiors,  until  at  last,  in  the 
hottest  moment  of  the  battle  of down  went  our 


Luck  263 

colonel,  and  my  heart  jumped  into  my  mouth,  for 
Scoresby  was  next  in  rank!  Now  for  it,  said  I;  we'll 
all  land  in  Sheol  in  ten  minutes,  sure. 

The  battle  was  awfully  hot ;  the  allies  were  steadily 
giving  way  all  over  the  field.  Our  regiment  occupied 
a  position  that  was  vital ;  a  blunder  now  must  be  de- 
struction. At  this  crucial  moment,  what  does  this 
immortal  fool  do  but  detach  the  regiment  from  its 
place  and  order  a  charge  over  a  neighboring  hill  where 
there  wasn't  a  suggestion  of  an  enemy!  "  There  you 
go  ! "  I  said  to  myself ;  ' '  this  is  the  end  at  last. ' ' 

And  away  we  did  go,  and  were  over  the  shoulder  of 
the  hill  before  the  insane  movement  could  be  discovered 
and  stopped.  And  what  did  we  find?  An  entire  and 
unsuspected  Russian  army  in  reserve  !  And  what  hap- 
pened? We  were  eaten  up?  That  is  necessarily  what 
would  have  happened  in  ninety-nine  cases  out  of  a 
hundred.  But  no;  those  Russians  argued  that  no 
single  regiment  would  come  browsing  around  there  at 
such  a  time.  It  must  be  the  entire  English  army,  and 
that  the  sly  Russian  game  was  detected  and  blocked ; 
so  they  turned  tail,  and  away  they  went,  pell-mell, 
over  the  hill  and  down  into  the  field,  in  wild  confusion, 
and  we  after  them ;  they  themselves  broke  the  solid 
Russian  center  in  the  field,  and  tore  through,  and  in 
no  time  there  was  the  most  tremendous  rout  you  ever 
saw,  and  the  defeat  of  the  allies  was  turned  into  a 
sweeping  and  splendid  victory !  Marshal  Canrobert 
looked  on,  dizzy  with  astonishment,  admiration,  and 
delight;  and  sent  right  off  for  Scoresby,  and  hugged 
him,  and  decorated  him  on  the  field,  in  presence  of  all 
the  armies ! 

And  what  was  Scoresby 's  blunder  that  time?  Merely 
the  mistaking  his  right  hand  for  his  left  —  that  was  all. 
An  order  had  come  to  him  to  fall  back  and  support 
our  right;  and  instead,  he  fell  forward  and  went  ovei 


264  Luck 

the  hill  to  the  left.  But  the  name  he  won  that  day  as 
a  marvelous  military  genius  filled  the  world  with  his 
glory,  and  that  glory  will  never  fade  while  history 
books  last. 

He  is  just  as  good  and  sweet  and  lovable  and  unpre- 
tending as  a  man  can  be,  but  he  doesn't  know  enough 
to  come  in  when  it  rains.  Now  that  is  absolutely  true. 
He  is  the  supremest  ass  in  the  universe ;  and  until  half 
an  hour  ago  nobody  knew  it  but  himself  and  me.  He 
has  been  pursued,  day  by  day  and  year  by  year,  by  a 
most  phenomenal  and  astonishing  luckiness.  He  has 
been  a  shining  soldier  in  all  our  wars  for  a  generation ; 
he  has  littered  his  whole  military  life  with  blunders, 
and  yet  has  never  committed  one  that  didn't  make  him 
a  knight  or  a  baronet  or  a  lord  or  something.  Look 
at  his  breast ;  why,  he  is  just  clothed  in  domestic  and 
foreign  decorations.  Well,  sir,  every  one  of  them  is 
the  record  of  some  shouting  stupidity  or  other;  and 
taken  together,  they  are  proof  that  the  very  best  thing 
in  all  this  world  that  can  befall  a  man  is  to  be  born 
lucky.  I  say  again,  as  I  said  at  the  banquet,  Scoresby's 
an  absolute  fool. 


A  CURIOUS  EXPERIENCE 

THIS  is  the  story  which  the  Major  told  me,  as  nearly 
as  I  can  recall  it: 

In  the  winter  of  1862-3  I  was  commandant  of  Fort 
Trumbull,  at  New  London,  Conn.  Maybe  our  life 
there  was  not  so  brisk  as  life  at  "  the  front "  ;  still  it 
was  brisk  enough,  in  its  way  —  one's  brains  didn't 
cake  together  there  for  lack  of  something  to  keep 
them  stirring.  For  one  thing,  all  the  Northern  atmos- 
phere at  that  time  was  thick  with  mysterious  rumors  — 
rumors  to  the  effect  that  rebel  spies  were  flitting  every- 
where, and  getting  ready  to  blow  up  our  Northern 
forts,  burn  our  hotels,  send  infected  clothing  into  our 
towns,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  You  remember  it. 
All  this  had  a  tendency  to  keep  us  awake,  and  knock 
the  traditional  dullness  out  of  garrison  life.  Besides, 
ours  was  a  recruiting  station  —  which  is  the  same  as 
saying  we  hadn't  any  time  to  waste  in  dozing,  or 
dreaming,  or  fooling  around.  Why,  with  all  our  watch- 
fulness, fifty  per  cent,  of  a  day's  recruits  would  leak 
out  of  our  hands  and  give  us  the  slip  the  same  night. 
The  bounties  were  so  prodigious  that  a  recruit  could 
pay  a  sentinel  three  or  four  hundred  dollars  to  let  him 
escape,  and  still  have  enough  of  his  bounty-money  left 
to  constitute  a  fortune  for  a  poor  man.  Yes,  as  I  said 
before,  our  life  was  not  drowsy. 

Well,  one  day  I  was  in  my  quarters  alone,  doing 

(265) 


266  A  Curious  Experience 

some  writing,  when  a  pale  and  ragged  lad  of  fourteen 
or  fifteen  entered,  made  a  neat  bow,  and  said: 

"  I  believe  recruits  are  received  here?" 
'Yes." 
*  Will  you  please  enlist  me,  sir?" 

11  Dear  me,  no!  You  are  too  young,  my  boy,  and 
too  small." 

A  disappointed  look  came  into  his  face,  and  quickly 
deepened  into  an  expression  of  despondency.  He 
turned  slowly  away,  as  if  to  go;  hesitated,  then  faced 
me  again,  and  said,  in  a  tone  that  went  to  my  heart: 

"  I  have  no  home,  and  not  a  friend  in  the  world.  If 
you  could  only  enlist  me  ! ' ' 

But  of  course  the  thing  was  out  of  tne  question,  and 
I  said  so  as  gently  as  I  could.  Then  I  told  him  to  sit 
down  by  the  stove  and  warm  himself,  and  added : 

"  You  shall  have  something  to  eat,  presently.  You 
are  hungry?" 

He  did  not  answer ;  he  did  not  need  to :  the  grati- 
tude in  his  big,  soft  eyes  was  more  eloquent  than  any 
words  could  have  been.  He  sat  down  by  the  stove, 
and  I  went  on  writing.  Occasionally  I  took  a  furtive 
glance  at  him.  I  noticed  that  his  clothes  and  shoes, 
although  soiled  and  damaged,  were  of  good  style  and 
material.  This  fact  was  suggestive.  To  it  I  added  the 
facts  that  his  voice  was  low  and  musical ;  his  eyes  deep 
and  melancholy ;  his  carriage  and  address  gentlemanly ; 
evidently  the  poor  chap  was  in  trouble.  As  a  result,  I 
was  interested. 

However,  I  became  absorbed  in  my  work  by  and 
by,  and  forgot  all  about  the  boy.  I  don't  know  how 
long  this  lasted;  but,  at  length,  I  happened  to  look 
up.  The  boy's  back  was  towards  me,  but  his  face  was 
turned  in  such  a  way  that  I  could  see  one  of  his  cheeks 
—  and  down  that  cheek  a  rill  of  noiseless  tears  was 
flowing. 


A  Curious  Experience  267 

"  God  bless  my  soul!"  I  said  to  myself;  "  I  forgot 
the  poor  rat  was  starving."  Then  I  made  amends  for 
my  brutality  by  saying  to  him,  "  Come  along,  my  lad; 
you  shall  dine  with  me ;  I  am  alone  to-day." 

He  gave  me  another  of  those  grateful  looks,  and  a 
happy  light  broke  in  his  face.  At  the  table  he  stood 
with  his  hand  on  his  chair-back  until  I  was  seated,  then 
seated  himself.  I  took  up  my  knife  and  fork  and  — 
well,  I  simply  held  them,  and  kept  still;  for  the  boy 
had  inclined  his  head  and  was  saying  a  silent  grace. 
A  thousand  hallowed  memories  of  home  and  my  child- 
hood poured  in  upon  me,  and  I  sighed  to  think  how 
far  I  had  drifted  from  religion  and  its  balm  for  hurt 
minds,  its  comfort  and  solace  and  support. 

As  our  meal  progressed  I  observed  that  young 
Wicklow  —  Robert  Wicklow  was  his  full  name  —  knew 
what  to  do  with  his  napkin;  and  —  well,  in  a  word,  I 
observed  that  he  was  a  boy  of  good  breeding;  never 
mind  the  details.  He  had  a  simple  frankness,  too, 
which  won  upon  me.  We  talked  mainly  about  himself, 
and  I  had  no  difficulty  in  getting  his  history  out  of 
him.  When  he  spoke  of  his  having  been  born  and 
reared  in  Louisiana,  I  warmed  to  him  decidedly,  for  I  had 
spent  some  time  down  there.  I  knew  all  the  ' '  coast ' ' 
region  of  the  Mississippi,  and  loved  it,  and  had  not 
been  long  enough  away  from  it  for  my  interest  in  it  to 
begin  to  pale.  The  very  names  that  fell  from  his  lips 
sounded  good  to  me  —  so  good  that  I  steered  the  talk 
in  directions  that  would  bring  them  out.  Baton  Rouge, 
Plaquemine,  Donaldsonville,  Sixty-mile  Point,  Bonnet- 
Carre,  the  Stock  Landing,  Carrollton,  the  Steam- 
ship Landing,  the  Steamboat  Landing,  New  Orleans, 
Tchoupitoulas  Street,  the  Esplanade,  the  Rue  des  Bons 
Enfants,  the  St.  Charles  Hotel,  the  Tivoli  Circle,  the 
Shell  Road,  Lake  Pontchartrain ;  and  it  was  particu- 
larly delightful  to  me  to  hear  once  more  of  the  R.  E. 


268  A  Curious  Experience 

Lee,  the  Natchez,  the  Eclipse,  the  General  Quitman 
the  Duncan  F.  Kenner,  and  other  old  familiar  steam- 
boats. It  was  almost  as  good  as  being  back  there, 
these  names  so  vividly  reproduced  in  my  mind  the 
look  of  the  things  they  stood  for.  Briefly,  this  was 
little  Wicklow's  history: 

When  the  war  broke  out,  he  and  his  invalid  aunt  and 
his  father  were  living  near  Baton  Rouge,  on  a  great 
and  rich  plantation  which  had  been  in  the  family  for 
fifty  years.  The  father  was  a  Union  man.  He  was 
persecuted  in  all  sorts  of  ways,  but  clung  to  his  princi- 
ples. At  last  one  night  masked  men  burned  his  man- 
sion down,  and  the  family  had  to  fly  for  their  lives. 
They  were  hunted  from  place  to  place,  and  learned  all 
there  was  to  know  about  poverty,  hunger,  and  distress. 
The  invalid  aunt  found  relief  at  last:  misery  and  ex- 
posure killed  her;  she  died  in  an  open  field,  like  a 
tramp,  the  rain  beating  upon  her  and  the  thunder 
booming  overhead.  Not  long  afterwards  the  father 
was  captured  by  an  armed  band ;  and  while  the  son 
begged  and  pleaded,  the  victim  was  strung  up  before 
his  face.  [At  this  point  a  baleful  light  shone  in  the 
youth's  eyes,  and  he  said,  with  the  manner  of  one 
who  talks  to  himself:  *'  If  I  cannot  be  enlisted,  no 
matter  —  I  shall  find  a  way  —  I  shall  find  a  way."] 
As  soon  as  the  father  was  pronounced  dead,  the  son 
was  told  that  if  he  was  not  out  of  that  region  within 
twenty-four  hours  it  would  go  hard  with  him.  That 
night  he  crept  to  the  riverside  and  hid  himself  near  a 
plantation  landing.  By  and  by  the  Duncan  F.  Kenner 
stopped  there,  and  he  swam  out  and  concealed  himself 
in  the  yawl  that  was  dragging  at  her  stern.  Before 
daylight  the  boat  reached  the  Stock  Landing  and  he 
slipped  ashore.  He  walked  the  three  miles  which  lay 
between  that  point  and  the  house  of  an  uncle  of  his  in 
Good-Children  street,  in  New  Orleans,  and  then  his 


A  Curious  Experience  26Q 

troubles  were  over  for  the  time  being.  But  this  uncle 
was  a  Union  man,  too,  and  before  very  long  he  con- 
cluded that  he  had  better  leave  the  South.  So  he  and 
young  Wicklow  slipped  out  of  the  country  on  board  a 
sailing  vessel,  and  in  due  time  reached  New  York. 
They  put  up  at  the  Astor  House.  Young  Wicklow 
had  a  good  time  of  it  for  a  while,  strolling  up  and 
down  Broadway,  and  observing  the  strange  Northern 
sights ;  but  in  the  end  a  change  came  —  and  not  for 
the  better.  The  uncle  had  been  cheerful  at  first,  but 
now  he  began  to  look  troubled  and  despondent ;  more- 
over, he  became  moody  and  irritable ;  talked  of  money 
giving  out,  and  no  way  to  get  more — *'  not  enough 
left  for  one,  let  alone  two."  Then,  one  morning,  he 
was  missing  —  did  not  come  to  breakfast.  The  boy 
inquired  at  the  office,  and  was  told  that  the  uncle  had 
paid  his  bill  the  night  before  and  gone  away  —  to 
Boston,  the  clerk  believed,  but  was  not  certain. 

The  lad  was  alone  and  friendless.  He  did  not  know 
what  to  do,  but  concluded  he  had  better  try  to  follow 
and  find  his  uncle.  He  went  down  to  the  steamboat 
landing:  learned  that  the  trifle  of  money  in  his  pocket 
would  not  carry  him  to  Boston ;  however,  it  would 
carry  him  to  New  London ;  so  he  took  passage  for 
that  port,  resolving  to  trust  to  Providence  to  furnish 
him  means  to  travel  the  rest  of  the  way.  He  had  now 
been  wandering  about  the  streets  of  New  London  three 
days  and  nights,  getting  a  bite  and  a  nap  here  and 
there  for  charity's  sake.  But  he  had  given  up  at  last; 
courage  and  hope  were  both  gone.  If  he  could  enlist, 
nobody  could  be  more  thankful ;  if  he  could  not  get  in 
as  a  soldier,  couldn't  he  be  a  drummer  boy?  Ah,  he 
would  work  so  hard  to  please,  and  would  be  so  grateful ! 

Well,  there's  the  history  of  young  Wicklow,  just  as 
he  told  it  to  me,  barring  details.  I  said: 

"  My  boy,  you  are  among  friends  now —  don't  you 

ISA 


270  A  Curious  Experience 

be  troubled  any  moreo"  How  his  eyes  glistened!  I 
called  in  Sergeant  John  Rayburn  —  he  was  from  Hart- 
ford ;  lives  in  Hartford  yet ;  maybe  you  know  him  — 
and  said,  **  Rayburn,  quarter  this  boy  with  the  musi- 
cians. I  am  going  to  enroll  him  as  a  drummer  boy, 
and  I  want  you  to  look  after  him  and  see  that  he  is 
well  treated/' 

Well,  of  course,  intercourse  between  the  commandant 
of  the  post  and  the  drummer  boy  came  to  an  end  now ; 
but  the  poor  little  friendless  chap  lay  heavy  on  my 
heart  just  the  same.  I  kept  on  the  lookout,  hoping  to 
see  him  brighten  up  and  begin  to  be  cheery  and  gay ; 
but  no,  the  days  went  by,  and  there  was  no  change. 
He  associated  with  nobody;  he  was  always  absent- 
minded,  always  thinking;  his  face  was  always  sad. 
One  morning  Rayburn  asked  leave  to  speak  to  me 
privately.  Said  he: 

44  I  hope  I  don't  offend,  sir;  but  the  truth  is,  the 
musicians  are  in  such  a  sweat  it  seems  as  if  somebody's 
got  to  speak." 

4'  Why,  what  is  the  trouble?" 

44  It's  the  Wicklow  boy,  sir.  The  musicians  are. 
down  on  him  to  an  extent  you  can't  imagine." 

44  Well,  go  on,  go  on.     What  has  he  been  doing?" 

<4Prayin',  sir." 
4  Praying!" 

44  Yes,  sir;  the  musicians  haven't  any  peace  of  their 
life  for  that  boy's  prayin'.  First  thing  in  the  morning 
he's  at  it;  noons  he's  at  it;  and  nights  —  well,  nights 
he  just  lays  into  'em  like  all  possessed  !  Sleep?  Bless 
you,  they  can't  sleep:  he's  got  the  floor,  as  the  sayin' 
is,  and  then  when  he  once  gets  his  supplication-mill 
agoin'  there  just  simply  ain't  any  let-up  to  him.  He 
starts  in  with  the  band  master,  and  he  prays  for  him ; 
next  he  takes  the  head  bugler,  and  he  prays  for 
him;  next  the  bass  drum,  and  he  scoops  hint  in;  and 


A  Curious  Experience  271 

so  on,  right  straight  through  the  band,  givin*  them  all 
a  show,  and  takin'  that  amount  of  interest  in  it  which 
would  make  you  think  he  thought  he  warn't  but  a  little 
while  for  this  world,  and  believed  he  couldn't  be  happy 
in  heaven  without  he  had  a  brass  band  along,  and 
wanted  to  pick  'em  out  for  himself,  so  he  could  depend 
on  'em  to  do  up  the  national  tunes  in  a  style  suitin'  to 
the  place.  Well,  sir,  heavin'  boots  at  him  don't  have 
no  effect;  it's  dark  in  there;  and,  besides,  he  don't 
pray  fair,  anyway,  but  kneels  down  behind  the  big 
drum;  so  it  don't  make  no  difference  if  they  rain 
boots  at  him,  he  don't  give  a  dern  —  warbles  right 
along,  same  as  if  it  was  applause.  They  sing  out, 
'Oh,  dry  up!'  *  Give  us  a  rest!*  *  Shoot  him!' 
*  Oh,  take  a  walk!*  and  all  sorts  of  such  things.  But 
what  of  it?  It  don't  phase  him.  He  don't  mind  it." 
After  a  pause:  "  Kind  of  a  good  little  fool,  too;  gits 
up  in  the  mornin'  and  carts  all  that  stock  of  boots 
back,  and  sorts  'em  out  and  sets  each  man's  pair 
where  they  belong.  And  they've  been  throwed  at  him 
so  much  now  that  he  knows  every  boot  in  the  band  — 
can  sort  *em  out  with  his  eyes  shut." 

After  another  pause,  which  I  forbore  to  interrupt: 
'*  But  the  roughest  thing  about  it  is  that  when  he*s 
done  prayin* —  when  he  ever  does  get  done  —  he  pipes 
up  and  begins  to  sing.     Well,  you  know  what  a  honey 
kind  of  a  voice  he*s  got  when  he  talks ;  you  know  how 
it  would  persuade  a  cast-iron  dog  to  come  down  off  of 
a  doorstep  and  lick  his  hand.     Now  if  you'll  take  my 
word  for  it,  sir,  it  ain't  a  circumstance  to  his  singin' ! 
Flute  music  is  harsh  to   that  boy's  singin'.     Oh,  he 
just  gurgles  it  out  so  soft  and  sweet  and  low,  there  in 
the  dark,  that  it  makes  you  think  you  are  in  heaven." 
"  What  is  there  *  rough  *  about  that?" 
'*  Ah,  that's  just  it,  sir.     You  hear  him  sing 

'*  *  Just  as  I  am  —  poor,  wretched,  blind'— 


272  A  Curious  Experience 

just  you  hear  him  sing  that  once,  and  see  if  you  don't 
melt  all  up  and  the  water  come  into  your  eyes!  I 
don't  care  what  he  sings,  it  goes  plum  straight  home 
to  you  —  it  goes  deep  down  to  where  you  live  —  and 
it  fetches  you  every  time !  Just  you  hear  him  sing 

•' '  Child  of  sin  and  sorrow,  filled  with  dismay, 
Wait  not  till  to-morrow,  yield  thee  to-day; 
Grieve  not  that  love 
Which,  from  above s— 

and  so  on.  It  makes  a  body  feel  like  the  wickedest, 
ungratefulest  brute  that  walks.  And  when  he  sings 
them  songs  of  his  about  home,  and  mother,  and  child- 
hood, and  old  memories,  and  things  that's  vanished, 
and  old  friends  dead  and  gone,  it  fetches  everything 
before  your  face  that  you've  ever  loved  and  lost  in  all 
your  life  —  and  it's  just  beautiful,  it's  just  divine  to 
listen  to,  sir  —  but,  Lord,  Lord,  the  heart-break  of  it! 
The  band  —  well,  they  all  cry  —  every  rascal  of  them 
blubbers,  and  don't  try  to  hide  it,  either;  and  first  you 
know,  that  very  gang  that's  been  slammin*  boots  at 
that  boy  will  skip  out  of  their  bunks  all  of  a  sudden, 
and  rush  over  in  the  dark  and  hug  him !  Yes,  they 
do  —  and  slobber  all  over  him,  and  call  him  pet  names, 
and  beg  him  to  forgive  them.  And  just  at  that  time, 
if  a  regiment  was  to  offer  to  hurt  a  hair  of  that  cub's 
head,  they'd  go  for  that  regiment,  if  it  was  a  whole 
army  corps ! ' ' 

Another  pause, 

44  Is  that  all?"  said  I. 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Well,  dear  me,  what  is  the  complaint*  What  do 
they  want  done?" 

"Done?  Why,  bless  you,  sir,  they  want  you  to 
stop  him  from  singin? ." 

44  What  an  idea!     You  said  his  music  was  divine." 


A  Curious  Experience  273 

"  That's  just  it.  It's  too  divine.  Mortal  man  can't 
stand  it.  It  stirs  a  body  up  so ;  it  turns  a  body  inside 
out;  it  racks  his  feelin's  all  to  rags;  it  makes  him  feel 
bad  and  wicked,  and  not  fit  for  any  place  but  perdition. 
It  keeps  a  body  in  such  an  everlastin'  state  of  repentin', 
that  nothin'  don't  taste  good  and  there  ain't  no  com- 
fort in  life.  And  then  the  cryin\  you  see  —  every 
mornin*  they  are  ashamed  to  look  one  another  in  the 
face/' 

"  Well,  this  is  an  odd  case,  and  a  singular  complaint. 
So  they  really  want  the  singing  stopped?" 

"  Yes,  sir,  that  is  the  idea.  They  don't  wish  to  ask 
too  much ;  they  would  like  powerful  well  to  have  the 
prayin'  shut  down  on,  or  leastways  trimmed  off  around 
the  edges;  but  the  main  thing's  the  singin*.  If  they 
can  only  get  the  singin'  choked  off,  they  think  they  can 
stand  the  prayin',  rough  as  it  is  to  be  bullyragged  so 
much  that  way." 

I  told  the  sergeant  I  would  take  the  matter  under 
consideration.  That  night  I  crept  into  the  musicians' 
quarters  and  listened.  The  sergeant  had  not  over- 
stated the  case.  I  heard  the  praying  voice  pleading  in 
the  dark ;  I  heard  the  execrations  of  the  harassed  men ; 
I  heard  the  rain  of  boots  whiz  through  the  air,  and 
bang  and  thump  around  the  big  drum.  The  thing 
touched  me,  but  it  amused  me,  too.  By  and  by,  after 
an  impressive  silence,  came  the  singing.  Lord,  the 
pathos  of  it,  the  enchantment  of  it !  Nothing  in  the 
world  was  ever  so  sweet,  so  gracious,  so  tender,  so 
holy,  so  moving.  I  made  my  stay  very  brief;  I  was 
beginning  to  experience  emotions  of  a  sort  not  proper 
to  the  commandant  of  a  fortress. 

Next  day  I  issued  orders  which  stopped  the  praying 
and  singing.  Then  followed  three  or  four  days  which 
were  so  full  of  bounty-jumping  excitements  and  irrita- 
tions that  I  never  once  thought  of  my  drummer  boy, 
18*** 


274  A  Curious  Experience 

But  now  comes  Sergeant  Rayburn,  one  morning,  and 
says: 

"  That  new  boy  acts  mighty  strange,  sir." 

"  How?" 

"  Well,  sir,  he's  all  the  time  writing." 

"  Writing?     What  does  he  write  —  letters?" 

"  I  don't  know,  sir;  but  whenever  he's  off  duty,  he 
is  always  poking  and  nosing  around  the  fort,  all  by 
himself —  blest  if  I  think  there's  a  hole  or  corner  in  it 
he  hasn't  been  into  —  and  every  little  while  he  outs 
with  pencil  and  paper  and  scribbles  something  down." 

This  gave  me  a  most  unpleasant  sensation.  I  wanted 
to  scoff  at  it,  but  it  was  not  a  time  to  scoff  at  anything 
that  had  the  least  suspicious  tinge  about  it.  Things 
were  happening  all  around  us,  in  the  North,  then,  that 
warned  us  to  be  always  on  the  alert,  and  always  sus- 
pecting. I  recalled  to  mind  the  suggestive  fact  that 
this  boy  was  from  the  South  —  the  extreme  South, 
Louisiana  —  and  the  thought  was  not  of  a  reassuring 
nature,  under  the  circumstances.  Nevertheless,  it  cost 
me  a  pang  to  give  the  orders  which  I  now  gave  to 
Rayburn.  I  felt  like  a  father  who  plots  to  expose  his 
own  child  to  shame  and  injury.  I  told  Rayburn  to 
keep  quiet,  bide  his  time,  and  get  me  some  of  those 
writings  whenever  he  could  manage  it  without  the  boy's 
finding  it  out.  And  I  charged  him  not  to  do  anything 
which  might  let  the  boy  discover  that  he  was  being 
watched.  I  also  ordered  that  he  allow  the  lad  his  usual 
liberties,  but  that  he  be  followed  at  a  distance  when  he 
went  out  into  the  town. 

During  the  next  two  days  Rayburn  reported  to  me 
several  times.  No  success.  The  boy  was  still  writing, 
but  he  always  pocketed  his  paper  with  a  careless  air 
whenever  Rayburn  appeared  in  the  vicinity.  He  had 
gone  twice  to  an  old  deserted  stable  in  the  town,  re- 
mained a  minute  or  two,  and  come  out  again.  One 


A  Curious  Experience  275 

could  not  pooh-pooh  these  things  —  they  had  an  evil 
look.  I  was  obliged  to  confess  to  myself  that  I  was 
getting  uneasy.  I  went  into  my  private  quarters  and 
sent  for  my  second  in  command  —  an  officer  of  intelli- 
gence and  judgment,  son  of  General  James  Watson 
Webb.  He  was  surprised  and  troubled.  We  had  a 
long  talk  over  the  matter,  and  came  to  the  conclusion 
that  it  would  be  worth  while  to  institute  a  secret  search. 
I  determined  to  take  charge  of  that  myself.  So  I  had 
myself  called  at  two  in  the  morning;  and,  pretty  soon 
after,  I  was  in  the  musicians'  quarters,  crawling  along 
the  floor  on  my  stomach  among  the  snorers.  I  reached 
my  slumbering  waif's  bunk  at  last,  without  disturbing 
anybody,  captured  his  clothes  and  kit,  and  crawled 
stealthily  back  again.  When  I  got  to  my  own  quar- 
ters, I  found  Webb  there,  waiting  and  eager  to  know 
the  result.  We  made  search  immediately.  The  clothes 
were  a  disappointment.  In  the  pockets  we  found  blank 
paper  and  a  pencil;  nothing  else,  except  a  jackknife 
and  such  queer  odds  and  ends  and  useless  trifles  as 
boys  hoard  and  value.  We  turned  to  the  kit  hope- 
fully. Nothing  there  but  a  rebuke  for  us !  —  a  little 
Bible  with  this  written  on  the  fly-leaf:  "  Stranger,  be 
kind  to  my  boy,  for  his  mother's  sake.'* 

I  looked  at  Webb  —  he  dropped  his  eyes ;  he  looked 
at  me  —  I  dropped  mine.  Neither  spoke.  I  put  the 
book  reverently  back  in  its  place.  Presently  Webb 
got  up  and  went  away,  without  remark.  After  a  little 
I  nerved  myself  up  to  my  unpalatable  job,  and  took 
the  plunder  back  to  where  it  belonged,  crawling  on  my 
stomach  as  before.  It  seemed  the  peculiarly  appro- 
priate attitude  for  the  business  I  was  in. 

I  was  most  honestly  glad  when  it  was  over  and  done 
with. 

About  noon  next  day  Rayburn  came,  as  usual,  to 
report.  I  cut  him  short.  I  said  : 

R*** 


276  A  Curious  Experience 

"  Let  this  nonsense  be  dropped.  We  are  making  a 
bugaboo  out  of  a  poor  little  cub  who  has  got  no  more 
harm  in  him  than  a  hymn-book." 

The  sergeant  looked  surprised,  and  said: 

*'  Well,  you  know  it  was  your  orders,  sir,  and  I've 
got  some  of  the  writing." 

**  And  what  does  it  amount  to?  How  did  you  get 
it?" 

**  I  peeped  through  the  key-hole,  and  see  him 
writing.  So,  when  I  judged  he  was  about  done,  I 
made  a  sort  of  a  little  cough,  and  I  see  him  crumple  it 
up  and  throw  it  in  the  fire,  and  look  all  around  to  see 
if  anybody  was  coming.  Then  he  settled  back  as  com- 
fortable and  careless  as  anything.  Then  I  comes  in, 
and  passes  the  time  of  day  pleasantly,  and  sends  him 
of  an  errand.  He  never  looked  uneasy,  but  went  right 
along.  It  was  a  coal  fire  and  new  built ;  the  writing 
had  gone  over  behind  a  chunk,  out  of  sight;  but  I  got 
it  out;  there  it  is;  it  ain't  hardly  scorched,  you  see." 

I  glanced  at  the  paper  and  took  in  a  sentence  or 
two.  Then  I  dismissed  the  sergeant  and  told  him  to 
send  Webb  to  me.  Here  is  the  paper  in  full : 

"FORT  TRUMBULL,  the  8th. 

tl  COLONEL, —  I  was  mistaken  as  to  the  calibre  of  the  three  guns  I  ended 
my  list  with.  They. are  i8-pounders;  all  the  rest  of  the  armament  is  as  I 
stated.  The  garrison  remains  as  before  reported,  except  that  the  two  light 
infantry  companies  that  were  to  be  detached  for  service  at  the  front  are  to 
stay  here  for  the  present  —  can' t  find  out  for  how  long,  just  now,  but  will 
soon.  We  are  satisfied  that,  all  things  considered,  matters  had  better  be 
postponed  un — " 

There  it  broke  off  —  there  is  where  Rayburn  coughed 
and  interrupted  the  writer.  All  my  affection  for  the 
boy,  all  my  respect  for  him  and  charity  for  his  forlorn 
condition,  withered  in  a  moment  under  the  blight  of 
this  revelation  of  cold-blooded  baseness. 


A  Curious  Experience  277 

But  never  mind  about  that.  Here  was  business  — > 
business  that  required  profound  and  immediate  atten- 
tion, too.  Webb  and  I  turned  the  subject  over  and 
over,  and  examined  it  all  around.  Webb  said : 

"What  a  pity  he  was  interrupted!  Something  is 
going  to  be  postponed  until  —  when?  And  what  is 
the  something?  Possibly  he  would  have  mentioned  it, 
the  pious  little  reptile  ! ' ' 

"Yes,"  I  said,  "we  have  missed  a  trick.  And 
who  is  '  we  '  in  the  letter?  Is  it  conspirators  inside 
the  fort  or  outside?" 

That  "  we  "  was  uncomfortably  suggestive.  How- 
ever, it  was  not  worth  while  to  be  guessing  around 
that,  so  we  proceeded  to  matters  more  practical.  In 
the  first  place,  we  decided  to  double  the  sentries  and 
keep  the  strictest  possible  watch.  Next,  we  thought 
of  calling  Wicklow  in  and  making  him  divulge  every- 
thing; but  that  did  not  seem  wisest  until  other  methods, 
should  fail.  We  must  have  some  more  of  the  writings ; 
so  we  began  to  plan  to  that  end.  And  now  we  had  an 
idea :  Wicklow  never  went  to  the  post-office  —  perhaps 
the  deserted  stable  was  his  post-office.  We  sent  for 
my  confidential  clerk  —  a  young  German  named  Sterne, 
who  was  a  sort  of  natural  detective  —  and  told  him  all 
about  the  case,  and  ordered  him  to  go  to  work  on  it. 
Within  the  hour  we  got  word  that  Wicklow  was  writing 
again.  Shortly  afterwards  word  came  that  he  had 
asked  leave  to  go  out  into  the  town.  He  was  detained 
a  while,  and  meantime  Sterne  hurried  off  and  concealed 
himself  in  the  stable.  By  and  by  he  saw  Wicklow 
saunter  in,  look  about  him,  then  hide  something  under 
some  rubbish  in  a  corner,  and  take  leisurely  leave 
again*  Sterne  pounced  upon  the  hidden  article  —  a 
letter  —  and  brought  it  to  us.  It  had  no  superscrip- 
tion and  no  signature.  It  repeated  what  we  had 
already  read,  and  then  went  on  to  say: 


278  A  Curious  Experience 

"  We  think  it  best  to  postpone  till  the  two  companies  are  gone.  I  mean 
the  four  inside  think  so;  have  not  communicated  with  the  others — afraid 
of  attracting  attention.  I  say  four  because  we  have  lost  two;  they  had 
hardly  enlisted  and  got  inside  when  they  were  shipped  off  to  the  front.  It 
will  be  absolutely  necessary  to  have  two  in  their  places.  The  two  that  went 
were  the  brothers  from  Thirty-mile  Point.  I  have  something  of  the  greatest 
importance  to  reveal,  but  must  not  trust  it  to  this  method  of  communica- 
tion; will  try  the  other." 

"The  little  scoundrel!"  said  Webb;  "  who  could 
have  supposed  he  was  a  spy?  However,  never  mind 
about  that;  let  us  add  up  our  particulars,  such  as  they 
are,  and  see  how  the  case  stands  to  date.  First,  we've 
got  a  rebel  spy  in  our  midst,  whom  we  know ;  secondly, 
we've  got  three  more  in  our  midst  whom  we  don't 
know;  thirdly,  these  spies  have  been  introduced  among 
us  through  the  simple  and  easy  process  of  enlisting  as 
soldiers  in  the  Union  army  —  and  evidently  two  of 
them  have  got  sold  at  it,  and  been  shipped  off  to  the 
front ;  fourthly,  there  are  assistant  spies  *  outside  '— 
number  indefinite ;  fifthly,  Wicklow  has  very  important 
matter  which  he  is  afraid  to  communicate  by  the 
*  present  method  * —  will  '  try  the  other.'  That  is  the 
case,  as  it  now  stands.  Shall  we  collar  Wicklow  and 
make  him  confess?  Or  shall  we  catch  the  person  who 
removes  the  letters  from  the  stable  and  make  him  tell? 
Or  shall  we  keep  still  and  find  out  more?" 

We  decided  upon  the  last  course.  We  judged  that 
we  did  not  need  to  proceed  to  summary  measures  now, 
since  it  was  evident  that  the  conspirators  were  likely  to 
wait  till  those  two  light  infantry  companies  were  out  of 
the  way.  We  fortified  Sterne  with  pretty  ample 
powers,  and  told  him  to  use  his  best  endeavors  to 
find  out  Wicklow' s  '*  other  method  "  of  communica- 
tion. We  meant  to  play  a  bold  game;  and  to  this  end 
we  proposed  to  keep  the  spies  in  an  unsuspecting  state 
as  long  as  possible.  So  we  ordered  Sterne  to  return 


A  Curious  Experience  279 

to  the  stable  immediately,  and,  if  he  found  the  coast 
clear,  to  conceal  Wicklow's  letter  where  it  was  before, 
and  leave  it  there  for  the  conspirators  to  get. 

The  night  closed  down  without  further  event.  It 
was  cold  and  dark  and  sleety,  with  a  raw  wind  blowing; 
still  I  turned  out  of  my  warm  bed  several  times  during 
the  night,  and  went  the  rounds  in  person,  to  see  that 
all  was  right  and  that  every  sentry  was  on  the  alert.  I 
always  found  them  wide  awake  and  watchful ;  evidently 
whispers  of  mysterious  dangers  had  been  floating 
about,  and  the  doubling  of  the  guards  had  been  a  kind 
of  indorsement  of  those  rumors.  Once  towards  morn- 
ing, I  encountered  Webb,  breasting  his  way  against  the 
bitter  wind,  and  learned  then  that  he,  also,  had  been 
the  rounds  several  times  to  see  that  all  was  going 
right. 

Next  day's  events  hurried  things  up  somewhat. 
Wicklow  wrote  another  letter ;  Sterne  preceded  him  to 
the  stable  and  saw  him  deposit  it;  captured  it  as  soon 
as  Wicklow  was  out  of  the  way,  then  slipped  out  and 
followed  the  little  spy  at  a  distance,  with  a  detective  in 
plain  clothes  at  his  own  heels,  for  we  thought  it  judi- 
cious to  have  the  law's  assistance  handy  in  case  of 
need.  Wicklow  went  to  the  railway  station,  and  waited 
around  till  the  train  from  New  York  came  in,  then 
stood  scanning  the  faces  of  the  crowd  as  they  poured 
out  of  the  cars.  Presently  an  aged  gentleman,  with 
green  goggles  and  a  cane,  came  limping  along,  stopped 
in  Wicklow's  neighborhood,  and  began  to  look  about 
him  expectantly.  In  an  instant  Wicklow  darted  for- 
ward, thrust  an  envelope  into  his  hand,  then  glided 
away  and  disappeared  in  the  throng.  The  next  instant 
Sterne  had  snatched  the  letter ;  and  as  he  hurried  past 
the  detective,  he  said:  "  Follow  the  old  gentleman  — 
don't  lose  sight  of  him."  Then  Sterne  skurried  out 
with  the  crowd,  and  came  straight  to  the  fort. 


280  A  Curious  Experience 

We  sat  with  closed  doors,  and  instructed  the  guard 
outside  to  allow  no  interruption. 

First  we  opened  the  letter  captured  at  the  stable.  It 
read  as  follows : 

"  HOLY  ALLIANCE, —  Found,  in  the  usual  gun,  commands  from  the 
Master,  left  there  last  night,  which  set  aside  the  instructions  heretofore 
received  from  the  subordinate  quarter.  Have  left  in  the  gun  the  usual 
indication  that  the  commands  reached  the  proper  hand — " 

Webb,  interrupting:  "  Isn't  the  boy  under  constant 
surveillance  now?" 

I  said  yes;  he  had  been  under  strict  surveillance 
ever  since  the  capturing  of  his  former  letter. 

'  Then  how  could  he  put  anything  into  a  gun,  or 
take  anything  out  of  it,  and  not  get  caught?" 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  I  don't  like  the  look  of  that  very 
well." 

"  I  don't,  either,"  said  Webb.  "  It  simply  means 
that  there  are  conspirators  among  the  very  sentinels. 
Without  their  connivance  in  some  way  or  other,  the 
thing  couldn't  have  been  done." 

I  sent  for  Rayburn,  and  ordered  him  to  examine  thf 
batteries  and  see  what  he  could  find.  The  reading  of 
the  letter  was  then  resumed : 

"The  new  commands  are  peremptory,  and  require  that  the  MMMM 
shall  be  FFFFF  at  3  o'clock  to-morrow  morning.  Two  hundred  will 
arrive,  in  small  parties,  by  train  and  otherwise,  from  various  directions,  and 
will  be  at  appointed  place  at  right  time.  I  will  distribute  the  sign  to-day. 
Success  is  apparently  sure,  though  something  must  have  got  out,  for  the 
sentries  have  been  doubled,  and  the  chiefs  went  the  rounds  last  night  several 
times.  W.  W.  comes  from  southerly  to-day  and  will  receive  secret  orders 
—  by  the  other  method.  All  six  of  you  must  be  in  166  at  sharp  2  A.  M. 
You  will  find  B.  B.  there,  who  will  give  you  detailed  instructions.  Pass- 
word same  as  last  time,  only  reversed  —  put  first  syllable  last  and  last 
syllable  first.  REMEMBER  XXXX.  Do  not  forget.  Be  of  good  heart; 
before  the  next  sun  rises  you  will  be  heroes;  your  fame  will  be  permanent; 
you  will  have  added  a  deathless  page  to  history.  AMEN." 


A  Curious  Experience  281 

"  Thunder  and  Mars,"  said  Webb,  "  but  we  are 
getting  into  mighty  hot  quarters,  as  I  look  at  it!" 

I  said  there  was  no  question  but  that  things  were 
beginning  to  wear  a  most  serious  aspect.  Said  I : 

"  A  desperate  enterprise  is  on  foot,  that  is  plain 
enough.  To-night  is  the  time  set  for  it  —  that,  also, 
is  plain.  The  exact  nature  of  the  enterprise  —  I  mean 
the  manner  of  it  —  is  hidden  away  under  those  blind 
bunches  of  M's  and  F's,  but  the  end  and  aim,  I  judge, 
is  the  surprise  and  capture  of  the  post.  We  must 
move  quick  and  sharp  now.  I  think  nothing  can  be 
gained  by  continuing  our  clandestine  policy  as  regards 
Wicklow.  We  must  know,  and  as  soon  as  possible, 
too,  where  '  166  '  is  located,  so  that  we  can  make  a 
descent  upon  the  gang  there  at  2  A.  M. ;  and  doubtless 
the  quickest  way  to  get  that  information  will  be  to 
force  it  out  of  that  boy.  But  first  of  all,  and  before 
we  make  any  important  move,  I  must  lay  the  facts 
before  the  War  Department,  and  ask  for  plenary 
powers." 

The  dispatch  was  prepared  in  cipher  to  go  over  the 
wires ;  I  read  it,  approved  it,  and  sent  it  along. 

We  presently  finished  discussing  the  letter  which  was 
under  consideration,  and  then  opened  the  one  which 
had  been  snatched  from  the  lame  gentleman.  It  con- 
tained nothing  but  a  couple  of  perfectly  blank  sheets 
of  note  paper !  It  was  a  chilly  check  to  our  hot  eager- 
ness and  expectancy.  We  felt  as  blank  as  the  paper, 
for  a  moment,  and  twice  as  foolish.  But  it  was  for  a 
moment  only;  for,  of  course,  we  immediately  after- 
wards thought  of  **  sympathetic  ink."  We  held  the 
paper  close  to  the  fire  and  watched  for  the  characters 
to  come  out,  under  the  influence  of  the  heat;  but 
nothing  appeared  but  some  faint  tracings,  which  we 
could  make  nothing  of.  We  then  called  in  the  surgeon, 
and  sent  him  off  with  orders  to  apply  every  test  he  was 


282  A  Curious  Experience 

acquainted  with  till  he  got  the  right  one,  and  report 
the  contents  of  the  letter  to  me  the  instant  he  brought 
them  to  the  surface.  This  check  was  a  confounded 
annoyance,  and  we  naturally  chafed  under  the  delay; 
for  we  had  fully  expected  to  get  out  of  that  letter  some 
of  the  most  important  secrets  of  the  plot. 

Now  appeared  Sergeant  Rayburn,  and  drew  from 
his  pocket  a  piece  of  twine  string  about  a  foot  long, 
with  three  knots  tied  in  it,  and  held  it  up. 

11  I  got  it  out  of  a  gun  on  the  water-front,"  said  he. 
"  I  took  the  tompions  out  of  all  the  guns  and  examined 
close ;  this  string  was  the  only  thing  that  was  in  any 
gun." 

So  this  bit  of  string  was  Wicklow's  "  sign  "  to  sig- 
nify that  the  "  Master's  "  commands  had  not  mis- 
carried. I  ordered  that  every  sentinel  who  had  served 
near  that  gun  during  the  past  twenty-four  hours  be  put 
in  confinement  at  once  and  separately,  and  not  allowed 
to  communicate  with  any  one  without  my  privity  and 
consent. 

A  telegram  now  came  from  the  Secretary  of  War. 
It  read  as  follows : 

"  Suspend  habeas  corpus.  Put  town  under  martial  law.  Make  neces- 
sary arrests.  Act  with  vigor  and  promptness.  Keep  the  Department 
informed." 

We  were  now  in  shape  to  go  to  work.  I  sent  out 
and  had  the  lame  gentleman  quietly  arrested  and  as 
quietly  brought  into  the  fort;  I  placed  him  under 
guard,  and  forbade  speech  to  him  or  from  him.  He  was 
inclined  to  bluster  at  first,  but  he  soon  dropped  that. 

Next  came  word  that  Wicklow  had  been  seen  to  give 
something  to  a  couple  of  our  new  recruits ;  and  that, 
as  soon  as  his  back  was  turned,  these  had  been  seized 
and  confined.  Upon  each  was  found  a  small  bit  of 
paper,  bearing  these  words  and  signs  in  pencil : 


A  Curious  Experience 


28* 


EAGLE'S  THIRD  FLIGHT. 

REMEMBER  xxxx. 

166. 


In  accordance  with  instructions,  I  telegraphed  to  the 
Department,  in  cipher,  the  progress  made,  and  also 
described  the  above  ticket.  We  seemed  to  be  in  a 
strong  enough  position  now  to  venture  tc  throw  off  the 
mask  as  regarded  Wicklow;  so  I  sent  foi  him.  I  also 
sent  for  and  received  back  the  letter  written  in  sympa- 
thetic ink,  the  surgeon  accompanying  it  with  the  infor- 
mation that  thus  far  it  had  resisted  his  tests,  but  that 
there  were  others  he  could  apply  when  I  should  be 
ready  for  him  to  do  so. 

Presently  Wicklow  entered.  He  had  a  somewhat 
worn  and  anxious  look,  but  he  was  composed  and 
easy,  and  if  he  suspected  anything  it  did  not  appear  in 
his  face  or  manner.  I  allowed  him  to  stand  there  a 
moment  or  two;  then  I  said,  pleasantly: 

"  My  boy,  why  do  you  go  to  that  old  stable  so 
much?" 

He  answered,  with  simple  demeanor  and  without 
embarrassment : 

*  Well,  I  hardly  know,  sir;  there  isn't  any  particu- 
lar reason,  except  that  I  like  to  be  alone,  and  I  amuse 
myself  there." 

'  You  amuse  yourself  there,  do  you?" 
'  Yes,  sir,"  he  replied,  as  innocently  and  simply  as 
before. 

"  Is  that  all  you  do  there?" 

'Yes,  sir,"  he  said,  looking  up  with  childlike 
wonderment  in  his  big,  soft  eyes. 


284  A  Curious  Experience 

"  You  are  sure?" 
"Yes,  sir,  sure." 
After  a  pause  I  said : 

'  Wicklow,  why  do  you  write  so  much?" 
"I?     I  do  not  write  much,  sir." 

1  You  don't?" 

"  No,  sir.  Oh,  if  you  mean  scribbling,  I  do  scribble 
some,  for  amusement." 

'  What  do  you  do  with  your  scribblings?" 
"  Nothing,  sir  —  throw  them  away." 
"  Never  send  them  to  anybody?" 
"No,  sir." 

I  suddenly    thrust   before    him    the    letter    to    the 
11  Colonel."      He    started    slightly,    but    immediately 
composed  himself.     A  slight  tinge  spread   itself  ovei 
his  cheek. 

*'  How  came  you  to  send  this  piece  of  scribbling, 
then?" 

II  I  nev  —  never  meant  any  harm,  sir!" 

11  Never  meant  any  harm  !  You  betray  the  armament 
and  condition  of  the  post,  and  mean  no  harm  by  it?" 

He  hung  his  head  and  was  silent. 

"  Come,  speak  up,  and  stop  lying.  Whom  was  this 
letter  intended  for?" 

He  showed  signs  of  distress  now;  but  quickly  col- 
lected himself,  and  replied,  in  a  tone  of  deep  earnest- 
ness: 

!  "I  will  tell  you  the  truth,  sir  —  the  whole  truth. 
The  letter  was  never  intended  for  anybody  at  all.  I 
wrote  it  only  to  amuse  myself.  I  see  the  error  and 
foolishness  of  it  now;  but  it  is  the  only  offense,  sir, 
upon  my  honor." 

14  Ah,  I  am  glad  of  that.  It  is  dangerous  to  be 
writing  such  letters.  I  hope  you  are  sure  this  is  the 
only  one  you  wrote?" 

"  Yes,  sir,  perfectly  sure." 


A  Curious  Experience  28  3 

His  hardihood  was  stupefying.  He  told  that  lie 
with  as  sincere  a  countenance  as  any  creature  ever 
wore.  1  waited  a  moment  to  soothe  down  my  rising 
temper,  and  then  said : 

*  Wicklow,  jog  your  memory  now,  and  see  if  you 
can  help  me  with  two  or  three  little  matters  which  I 
wish  to  inquire  about." 

'  I  will  do  my  very  best,  sir/' 
"  Then,  to  begin  with  — who  is  '  the  Master?'  ' 
It  betrayed  him  into  darting  a  startled  glance  at  our 
faces,   but  that  was  all.     He  was  serene  again  in  a 
moment,  and  tranquilly  answered: 
'  I  do  not  know,  sir." 
"  You  do  not  know?" 

I  I  do  not  know." 

'  You  are  sure  you  do  not  know?" 
He  tried  hard  to  keep  his  eyes  on  mine,  but  the 
strain  was  too  great;  his  chin  sunk  slowly  towards  his 
breast  and  he  was  silent;  he  stood  there  nervously 
fumbling  with  a  button,  an  object  to  command  one's 
pity,  in  spite  of  his  base  acts.  Presently  I  broke  the 
stillness  with  the  question : 

II  Who  are  the  '  Holy  Alliance  '  ?" 

His  body  shook  visibly,  and  he  made  a  slight  random 
gesture  with  his  hands,  which  to  me  was  like  the  appeal 
of  a  despairing  creature  for  compassion.  But  he  made 
no  sound.  He  continued  to  stand  with  his  face  bent 
towards  the  ground.  As  we  sat  gazing  at  him,  waiting 
for  him  to  speak,  we  saw  the  big  tears  begin  to  roll 
down  his  cheeks.  But  he  remained  silent.  After  a 
little,  I  said : 

'  You  must  answer  me,  my  boy,  and  you  must  tell 
me  the  truth.  Who  are  the  Holy  Alliance?" 

He  wept  on  in  silence.  Presently  I  said,  somewhat 
sharply : 

"  Answer  the  question!" 

I9A 


286  A  Curious  Experience 

He  struggled  to  get  command  of  his  voice;  and 
then,  looking  up  appealingly,  forced  the  words  out 
between  his  sobs: 

"  Oh,  have  pity  on   me,  sir!     I   cannot  answer  it, 
for  I  do  not  know." 
4  What!" 

"  Indeed,  sir,  I  am  telling  the  truth.  I, never  have 
heard  of  the  Holy  Alliance  till  this  moment.  On  my 
honor,  sir,  this  is  so." 

"  Good  heavens!  Look  at  this  second  letter  of 
yours ;  there,  do  you  see  those  words,  '  Holy  Alliance  '  ? 
What  do  you  say  now?" 

He  gazed  up  into  my  face  with  the  hurt  look  of  one 
upon  whom  a  great  wrong  had  been  wrought,  then 
said,  feelingly: 

"  This  is  some  cruel  joke,  sir;  and  how  could  they 
play  it  upon  me,  who  have  tried  all  I  could  to  do  right, 
and  have  never  done  harm  to  anybody?  Some  one  has 
counterfeited  my  hand ;  I  never  wrote  a  line  of  this ;  I 
have  never  seen  this  letter  before  ! ' ' 

"  Oh,  you  unspeakable  liar!  Here,  what  do  you 
say  to  this  /' ' —  and  I  snatched  the  sympathetic-ink 
letter  from  my  pocket  and  thrust  it  before  his  eyes. 

His  face  turned  white !  —  as  white  as  a  dead  per- 
son's. He  wavered  slightly  in  his  tracks,  and  put  his 
hand  against  the  wall  to  steady  himself.  After  a  mo- 
ment he  asked,  in  so  faint  a  voice  that  it  was  hardly 
audible : 

"  Have  you  —  read  it?" 

Our  faces  must  have  answered  the  truth  before  my 
lips  could  get  out  a  false  "  yes,"  for  I  distinctly  savi 
the  courage  come  back  into  that  boy's  eyes.  I  waited 
for  him  to  say  something,  but  he  kept  silent.  So  at 
last  I  said : 

"  Well,  what  have  you  to  say  as  to  the  revelations 
in  this  letter?" 


A  Curious  Experience  287 

He  answered,  with  perfect  composure: 

"  Nothing,  except  that  they  are  entirely  harmless 
and  innocent;  they  can  hurt  nobody." 

I  was  in  something  of  a  corner  now,  as  I  couldn't 
disprove  his  assertion.  I  did  not  know  exactly  how  to 
proceed.  However,  an  idea  came  to  my  relief,  and  I 
said : 

"  You  are  sure  you  know  nothing  about  the  Master 
and  the  Holy  Alliance,  and  did  not  write  the  letter 
which  you  say  is  a  forgery?" 

"  Yes,  sir  —  sure." 

I  slowly  drew  out  the  knotted  twine  string  and  held 
it  up  without  speaking.     He  gazed  at  it  indifferently, 
then  looked  at  me  inquiringly.      My  patience  was  sorely 
taxed.     However,  I  kept  my  temper  down,  and  said, 
in  my  usual  voice : 

"  Wicklow,  do  you  see  this?" 
14  Yes,  sir." 
"  What  is  it?" 

"  It  seems  to  be  a  piece  of  string." 
"  Seems?     It  is  a  piece  of  string.     Do  you  recog- 
nize it?" 

II  No,  sir,"  he  replied,  as  calmly  as  the  words  could 
be  uttered. 

His  coolness  was  perfectly  wonderful !  I  paused 
now  for  several  seconds,  in  order  that  the  silence  might 
add  impressiveness  to  what  I  was  about  to  say;  then  I 
rose  and  laid  my  hand  on  his  shoulder,  and  said, 
gravely : 

"  It  will  do  you  no  good,  poor  boy,  none  in  the 
world.  This  sign  to  the  '  Master,'  this  knotted  string, 
found  in  one  of  the  guns  on  the  water  front — " 

"  Found  in  the  gun!  Oh,  no,  no,  no!  do  not  say 
in  the  gun,  but  in  a  crack  in  the  tompion !  —  it  must 
have  been  in  the  crack!"  and  down  he  went  on  his 
knees  and  clasped  his  hands  and  lifted  up  a  face  that 


288  A  Curious  Experience 

was  pitiful  to  see,  so  ashy  it  was,  and  wild  with  terror, 

"  No,  it  was  in  the  gun." 

"  Oh,  something  has  gone  wrong!  My  God,  I  am 
lost!"  and  he  sprang  up  and  darted  this  way  and 
that,  dodging  the  hands  that  were  put  out  to  catch 
him,  and  doing  his  best  to  escape  from  the  place.  But 
of  course  escape  was  impossible.  Then  he  flung  him- 
self on  his  knees  again,  crying  with  all  his  might,  and 
clasped  me  around  the  legs;  and  so  he  clung  to  me 
and  begged  and  pleaded,  saying,  "  Oh,  have  pity  on 
me!  Oh,  be  merciful  to  me!  Do  not  betray  me; 
they  would  not  spare  my  life  a  moment !  Protect  me, 
save  me.  I  will  confess  everything!" 

It  took  us  some  time  to  quiet  him  down  and  modify 
his  fright,  and  get  him  into  something  like  a  rational 
frame  of  mind.  Then  I  began  to  question  him,  he 
answering  humbly,  with  downcast  eyes,  and  from  time 
to  time  swabbing  away  his  constantly  flowing  tears : 

"  So  you  are  at  heart  a  rebel?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  And  a  spy?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

' '  And  have  been  acting  under  distinct  orders  from 
outside?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"Willingly?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"  Gladly,  perhaps?" 

"Yes,  sir;  it  would  do  no  good  to  deny  it.  The 
South  is  my  country;  my  heart  is  Southern,  and  it  is 
all  in  her  cause." 

"  Then  the  tale  you  told  me  of  your  wrongs  and  the 
persecution  of  your  family  was  made  up  for  the  occa- 
sion?" 

4  *  They  —  they  told  me  to  say  it,  sir. ' ' 
And  you   would    betray  and    destroy  those    who 


» i 


A  Curious  Experience  289 

pitied  and  sheltered  you.  Do  you  comprehend  how 
base  you  are,  you  poor  misguided  thing?" 

He  replied  with  sobs  only. 

"  Well,  let  that  pass.  To  business.  Who  is  the 
'Colonel,'  and  where  is  he?" 

He  began  to  cry  hard,  and  tried  to  beg  off  from 
answering.  He  said  he  would  be  killed  if  he  told.  I 
threatened  to  put  him  in  the  dark  cell  and  lock  him  up 
if  he  did  not  come  out  with  the  information.  At  the 
same  time  I  promised  to  protect  him  from  all  harm  if 
he  made  a  clean  breast.  For  all  answer,  he  closed  his 
mouth  firmly  and  put  on  a  stubborn  air  which  I  could 
not  bring  him  out  of.  At  last  I  started  with  him ;  but 
a  single  glance  into  the  dark  cell  conveited  him.  He 
broke  into  a  passion  of  weeping  and  supplicating,  and 
declared  he  would  tell  everything. 

So  I  brought  him  back,  and  he  named  the 
"  Colonel,"  and  described  him  particularly.  Said  he 
would  be  found  at  the  principal  hotel  in  the  town,  in 
citizen's  dress.  I  had  to  threaten  him  again,  before 
he  would  describe  and  name  the  "  Master."  Said  the 
Master  would  be  found  at  No.  15  Bond  street,  New 
York,  passing  under  the  name  of  R.  F.  Gaylord.  I 
telegraphed  name  and  description  to  the  chief  of  police 
of  the  metropolis,  and  asked  that  Gaylord  be  arrested 
and  held  till  I  could  send  for  him. 

**  Now,"  said  I,  4<  it  seems  that  there  are  several  of 
the  conspirators  *  outside,'  presumably  in  New  London. 
Name  and  describe  them." 

He  named  and  described  three  men  and  two  women 
—  all  stopping  at  the  principal  hotel.  I  sent  out 
quietly,  and  had  them  and  the  "Colonel"  arrested 
and  confined  in  the  fort. 

"  Next,  I  want  to  know  all  about  your  three  fellow- 
conspirators  who  are  here  in  the  fort." 

He  was  about  to  dodge  me  with  a  falsehood,  I 
19**» 


290  A  Curious  Experience 

thought;  but  I  produced  the  mysterious  bits  of  paper 
which  had  been  found  upon  two  of  them,  and  this  had 
a  salutary  effect  upon  him.  I  said  we  had  possession 
of  two  of  the  men,  and  he  must  point  out  the  third. 
This  frightened  him  badly,  and  he  cried  out : 

"  Oh,  please  don't  make  me;  he  would  kill  me  on 
the  spot!" 

I  said    that  that  was   all    nonsense;   I   would    have 
somebody  near  by  to  protect  him,   and,   besides,  the 
men  should  be  assembled  without  arms.     I  ordered  all 
the   raw   recruits  to  be  mustered,  and  then  the  poor, 
trembling  little  wretch  went    out   and    stepped   along 
down  the  line,  trying  to  look  as  indifferent  as  possible. 
Finally  he  spoke  a  single  word  to  one  of  the  men,  and 
before    he    had    gone   five   steps   the    man  was    under 
arrest. 

As  soon  as  Wicklow  was  with  us  again,  I  had  those 
three  men  brought  in.  I  made  one  of  them  stand  for- 
ward, and  said : 

"  Now  Wicklow,  mind,  not  a  shade's  divergence 
from  the  exact  truth.  Who  is  this  man,  and  what  do 
you  know  about  him?" 

Being  "  in  for  it,"  he  cast  consequences  aside, 
fastened  his  eyes  on  the  man's  face,  and  spoke  straight 
along  without  hesitation  —  to  the  following  effect : 

II  His  real    name  is  George    Bristow.     He    is  from 
New  Orleans;  was   second   mate  of   the  coast-packet 
Capitol  two  years  ago ;   is   a  desperate  character,  and 
has  served  two  terms  for  manslaughter  —  one  for  kill- 
ing a  deck-hand  named  Hyde  with  a  capstan  bar,  and 
one  for  killing  a  roustabout  for  refusing  to  heave  the 
lead,  which  is  no  part  of  a  roustabout's  business.     He 
is  a  spy,  and   was  sent  here  by  the  Colonel   to   act  in 
that  capacity.     He  was  third  mate  of  the  St.  Nicholas 
when  she  blew  up  in  the  neighborhood  of  Memphis,  in 
'58,  and  came  near  being  lynched  for  robbing  the  dead 


A  Curious  Experience  291 

and  wounded  while  they  were  being  taken  ashore  in 
an  empty  wood-boat." 

And  so  forth  and  so  on  —  he  gave  the  man's  biog- 
raphy in  full.  When  he  had  finished,  I  said  to  the 
man: 

41  What  have  you  to  say  to  this?" 

"  Barring  your  presence,  sir,  it  is  the  infernalist  lie 
that  ever  was  spoke  ! ' ' 

I  sent  him  back  into  confinement,  and  called  the 
others  forward  in  turn.  Same  result.  The  boy  gave 
a  detailed  history  of  each,  without  ever  hesitating  for  a 
word  or  a  fact ;  but  all  I  could  get  out  of  either  rascal 
was  the  indignant  assertion  that  it  was  all  a  lie.  They 
would  confess  nothing.  I  returned  them  to  captivity, 
and  brought  out  the  rest  of  my  prisoners,  one  by  one. 
Wicklow  told  all  about  them  —  what  towns  in  the 
South  they  were  from,  and  every  detail  of  their  con- 
nection with  the  conspiracy. 

But  they  all  denied  his  facts,  and  not  one  of  them 
confessed  a  thing.  The  men  raged,  the  women  cried. 
According  to  their  stories,  they  were  all  innocent 
people  from  out  West,  and  loved  the  Union  above  all 
things  in  this  world.  I  locked  the  gang  up,  in  disgust, 
and  fell  to  catechising  Wicklow  once  more. 

"  Where  is  No.  166,  and  who  is  B.  B.?" 

But  there  he  was  determined  to  draw  the  line. 
Neither  coaxing  nor  threats  had  any  effect  upon  him. 
Time  was  flying  —  it  was  necessary  to  institute  sharp 
measures.  So  I  tied  him  up  a-tiptoe  by  the  thumbs. 
As  the  pain  increased,  it  wrung  screams  from  him 
which  were  almost  more  than  I  could  bear.  But  I  held 
my  ground,  and  pretty  soon  he  shrieked  out: 

"Oh,  please  let  me  down,  and  I  will  tell !" 

"  No  —  you'll  tell  before  I  let  you  down." 

Every  instant  was  agony  to  him  now,  so  out  it 
came: 


292  A  Curious  Experience 

"  No.  166,  Eagle  Hotel!" — naming  a  wretched 
tavern  down  by  the  water,  a  resort  of  common  labor- 
ers, 'longshoremen,  and  less  reputable  folk. 

So  I  released  him,  and  then  demanded  to  know  the 
object  of  the  conspiracy. 

*  To  take  the  fort  to-night,"  said  he,  doggedly  and 
sobbing. 

14  Have  I  got  all  the  chiefs  of  the  conspiracy?" 

14  No.  You've  got  all  except  those  that  are  to  meet 
at  166." 

'  What  does  *  Remember  XXXX  '  mean?" 

No  reply. 

*'  What  is  the  password  to  No.  166?" 

No  reply. 

44  What  do  those  bunches  of  letters  mean  — 4  FFFFF  ' 
and  4  MMMM  '  ?  Answer  !  or  you  will  catch  it  again." 

1 4  I  never  will  answer !  I  will  die  first.  Now  do 
what  you  please," 

4  Think  what  you  are  saying,  Wicklow.    Is  it  final?" 

He  answered  steadily,  and  without  a  quiver  in.  his 
voice : 

**  It  is  final.  As  sure  as  I  love  my  wronged  country 
and  hate  everything  this  Northern  sun  shines  on,  I  will 
die  before  I  will  reveal  those  things." 

I  tied  him  up  by  the  thumbs  again.  When  the 
agony  was  full  upon  him  it  was  heart-breaking  to  hear 
the  poor  thing's  shrieks,  but  we  got  nothing  else  out  of 
him.  To  every  question  he  screamed  the  same  reply: 
41  I  can  die,  and  I  will  die;  but  I  will  never  tell." 

Well,  we  had  to  give  it  up.  We  were  convinced 
that  he  certainly  would  die  rather  than  confess.  So  we 
took  him  down,  and  imprisoned  him  under  strict  guard. 

Then  for  some  hours  we  busied  ourselves  with  send- 
ing telegrams  to  the  War  Department,  and  with  making 
preparations  for  a  descent  upon  No.  166. 

It  was   stirring  times,  that  black  and  bitter   night 


A  Curious  Experience  293 

Things  had  leaked  out,  and  the  whole  garrison  was  on 
the  alert.  The  sentinels  were  trebled,  and  nobody 
could  move,  outside  or  in,  without  being  brought  to  a 
stand  with  a  musket  leveled  at  his  head.  However, 
Webb  and  I  were  less  concerned  now  than  we  had  pre- 
viously been,  because  of  the  fact  that  the  conspiracy 
must  necessarily  be  in  a  pretty  crippled  condition, 
since  so  many  of  its  principals  were  in  our  clutches. 

I  determined  to  be  at  No.  1 66  in  good  season,  cap- 
ture and  gag  B.  B.,  and  be  on  hand  for  the  rest  when 
they  arrived.  At  about  a  quarter  past  one  in  the 
morning  I  crept  out  of  the  fortress  with  half  a  dozen 
stalwart  and  gamy  U.  S.  regulars  at  my  heels,  and  the 
boy  Wicklow,  with  his  hands  tied  behind  him.  I  told 
him  we  were  going  to  No.  166,  and  that  if  I  found  he 
had  lied  again  and  was  misleading  us,  he  would  have  to 
show  us  the  right  place  or  suffer  the  consequences. 

We  approached  the  tavern  stealthily  and  recon- 
noitred. A  light  was  burning  in  the  small  barroom, 
the  rest  of  the  house  was  dark.  I  tried  the  front  door ; 
it  yielded,  and  we  softly  entered,  closing  the  door  be- 
hind us.  Then  we  removed  our  shoes,  and  I  led  the 
way  to  the  barroom.  The  German  landlord  sat  there, 
asleep  in  his  chair.  I  woke  him  gently,  and  told  him 
to  take  off  his  boots  and  precede  us,  warning  him  at 
the  same  time  to  utter  no  sound.  He  obeyed  without 
a  murmur,  but  evidently  he  was  badly  frightened.  I 
ordered  him  to  lead  the  way  to  166.  We  ascended 
two  or  three  flights  of  stairs  as  softly  as  a  file  of  cats ; 
and  then,  having  arrived  near  the  farther  end  of  a  long 
hall,  we  came  to  a  door  through  the  glazed  transom 
of  which  we  could  discern  the  glow  of  a  dim  light  from 
within.  The  landlord  felt  for  me  in  the  dark  and 
whispered  me  that  that  was  166.  I  tried  the  door  —  it 
was  locked  on  the  inside.  I  whispered  an  order  to 
one  of  my  biggest  soldiers ;  we  set  our  ample  shoulders 


294  A  Curious  Experience 

to  the  door,  and  with  one  heave  we  burst  it  from  its 
hinges.  I  caught  a  half-glimpse  of  a  figure  in  a  bed- — 
saw  its  head  dart  towards  the  candle;  out  went  the 
light  and  we  were  in  pitch  darkness.  With  one  big 
bound  I  lit  on  that  bed  and  pinned  its  occupant  down 
with  my  knees.  My  prisoner  struggled  fiercely,  but  I 
got  a  grip  on  his  throat  with  my  left  hand,  and  that 
was  a  good  assistance  to  my  knees  in  holding  him 
down.  Then  straightway  I  snatched  out  my  revolver, 
cocked  it,  and  laid  the  cold  barrel  warningly  against  his 
cheek. 

"Now  somebody  strike  a  light!"  said  I.  "I've 
got  him  safe." 

It  was  done.  The  flame  of  the  match  burst  up.  I 
looked  at  my  captive,  and,  by  George,  it  was  a  young 
woman ! 

I  let  go  and  got  off  the  bed,  feeling  pretty  sheepish. 
Everybody  stared  stupidly  at  his  neighbor.  Nobody 
had  any  wit  or  sense  left,  so  sudden  and  overwhelming 
had  been  the  surprise.  The  young  woman  began  to 
cry,  and  covered  her  face  with  the  sheet.  The  land- 
lord said,  meekly: 

**  My  daughter,  she  has  been  doing  something  that 
is  not  right,  nicht  wahr  ?' ' 

"  Your  daughter?     Is  she  your  daughter?" 

"  Oh,  yes,  she  is  my  daughter.  She  is  just  to-night 
come  home  from  Cincinnati  a  little  bit  sick." 

"  Confound  it,  that  boy  has  lied  again.  This  is  not 
the  right  1 66;  this  is  not  B.  B.  Now,  Wicklow,  you 
will  find  the  correct  166  for  us,  or — hello!  where  is 
that  boy?" 

Gone,  as  sure  as  guns !  And,  what  is  more,  we 
failed  to  find  a  trace  of  him.  Here  was  an  awful  pre- 
dicament. I  cursed  my  stupidity  in  not  tying  him  to 
one  of  the  men ;  but  it  was  of  no  use  to  bother  about 
that  now.  What  should  I  do  in  the  present  circunv 


A  Curious  Experience  295 

stances?  —  that  was  the  question.  That  girl  might  be 
B.  B.,  after  all.  I  did  not  believe  it,  but  still  it  would 
not  answer  to  take  unbelief  for  proof.  So  I  finally 
put  my  men  in  a  vacant  room  across  the  hall  from  166, 
and  told  them  to  capture  anybody  and  everybody  that 
approached  the  girl's  room,  and  to  keep  the  landlord 
with  them,  and  under  strict  watch,  until  further  orders. 
Then  I  hurried  back  to  the  fort  to  see  if  all  was  right 
there  yet. 

Yes,  all  was  right.  And  all  remained  right.  I 
stayed  up  all  night  to  make  sure  of  that.  Nothing 
happened.  I  was  unspeakably  glad  to  see  the  dawn 
come  again,  and  be  able  to  telegraph  the  Department 
that  the  Stars  and  Stripes  still  floated  over  Fort  Trum- 
bull. 

An  immense  pressure  was  lifted  from  my  breast. 
Still  I  did  not  relax  vigilance,  of  course,  nor  effort, 
either ;  the  case  was  too  grave  for  that.  I  had  up  my 
prisoners,  one  by  one,  and  harried  them  by  the  hour, 
trying  to  get  them  to  confess,  but  it  was  a  failure. 
They  only  gnashed  their  teeth  and  tore  their  hair,  and 
revealed  nothing. 

About  noon  came  tidings  of  my  missing  boy.  He 
had  been  seen  on  the  road,  tramping  westward,  some 
eight  miles  out,  at  six  in  the  morning.  I  started  a 
cavalry  lieutenant  and  a  private  on  his  track  at  once. 
They  came  in  sight  of  him  twenty  miles  out.  He  had 
climbed  a  fence  and  was  wearily  dragging  himself 
across  a  slushy  field  towards  a  large  old-fashioned 
mansion  in  the  edge  of  a  village.  They  rode  through 
a  bit  of  woods,  made  a  detour,  and  closed  upon  the 
house  from  the  opposite  side;  then  dismounted  and 
skurried  into  the  kitchen.  Nobody  there.  They 
slipped  into  the  next  room,  which  was  also  unoccu- 
pied ;  the  door  from  that  room  into  the  front  or  sitting 
room  was  open.  They  were  about  to  step  through  it 


296  A  Curious  Experience 

when  they  heard  a  low  voice ;  it  was  somebody  pray- 
ing. So  they  halted  reverently,  and  the  lieutenant  put 
his  head  in  and  saw  an  old  man  and  an  old  woman 
kneeling  in  a  corner  of  that  sitting-room.  It  was  the 
old  man  that  was  praying,  and  just  as  he  was  finishing 
his  prayer,  the  Wicklow  boy  opened  the  front  door 
and  stepped  in.  Both  of  those  old  people  sprang  at 
him  and  smothered  him  with  embraces,  shouting: 

"  Our  boy!  our  darling!  God  be  praised.  The 
lost  is  found  !  He  that  was  dead  is  alive  again  !" 

Well,  sir,  what  do  you  think!  That  young  imp  was 
born  and  reared  on  that  homestead,  and  had  never 
been  five  miles  away  from  it  in  all  his  life  till  the  fort- 
night before  he  loafed  into  my  quarters  and  gulled  me 
with  that  maudlin  yarn  of  his!  It's  as  true  as  gospel. 
That  old  man  was  his  father  —  a  learned  old  retired 
clergyman ;  and  that  old  lady  was  his  mother. 

Let  me  throw  in  a  word  or  two  of  explanation  con- 
cerning that  boy  and  his  performances.  It  turned 
out  that  he  was  a  ravenous  devourer  of  dime  novels 
and  sensation-story  papers  —  therefore,  dark  myster- 
ies and  gaudy  heroisms  were  just  in  his  line.  Then  he 
had  read  newspaper  reports  of  the  stealthy  goings  and 
comings  of  rebel  spies  in  our  midst,  and  of  their  lurid 
purposes  and  their  two  or  three  startling  achievements, 
till  his  imagination  was  all  aflame  on  that  subject.  His 
constant  comrade  for  some  months  had  been  a  Yankee 
youth  of  much  tongue  and  lively  fancy,  who  had  served 
for  a  couple  of  years  as  "  mud  clerk  "  (that  is,  subor- 
dinate purser)  on  certain  of  the  packet-boats  plying 
between  New  Orleans  and  points  two  or  three  hundred 
miles  up  the  Mississippi  —  hence  his  easy  facility  in 
handling  the  names  and  other  details  pertaining  to  that 
region.  Now  I  had  spent  two  or  three  months  in 
that  part  of  the  country  before  the  war ;  and  I  knew 
just  enough  about  it  to  be  easily  taken  in  by  that 


A  Curious  Experience  297 

boy,  whereas  a  born  Louisianian  would  probably  have 
caught  him  tripping  before  he  had  talked  fifteen  min- 
utes. Do  you  know  the  reason  he  said  he  would  rather 
die  than  explain  certain  of  his  treasonable  enigmas? 
Simply  because  he  couldrft  explain  them  !  —  they  had 
no  meaning ;  he  had  fired  them  out  of  his  imagination 
without  forethought  or  afterthought;  and  so,  upon 
sudden  call,  he  wasn't  able  to  invent  an  explanation  of 
them.  For  instance,  he  couldn't  reveal  what  was  hid- 
den in  the  '  *  sympathetic  ink  * '  letter,  for  the  ample 
reason  that  there  wasn't  anything  hidden  in  it;  it  was 
blank  paper  only.  He  hadn't  put  anything  into  a  gun, 
and  had  never  intended  to  —  for  his  letters  were  all 
written  to  imaginary  persons,  and  when  he  hid  one  in 
the  stable  he  always  removed  the  one  he  had  put  there 
the  day  before ;  so  he  was  not  acquainted  with  that 
knotted  string,  since  he  was  seeing  it  for  the  first  time 
when  I  showed  it  to  him ;  but  as  soon  as  I  had  let  him 
find  out  where  it  came  from,  he  straightway  adopted 
it,  in  his  romantic  fashion,  and  got  some  fine  effects 
out  of  it.  He  invented  Mr.  "  Gaylord  "  ;  there  wasn't 
any  15  Bond  street,  just  then  —  it  had  been  pulled 
down  three  months  before.  He  invented  the  **  Col- 
onel ";  he  invented  the  glib  histories  of  those  unfor- 
tunates whom  I  captured  and  confronted  with  him ;  he 
invented  '*  B.  B.'*;  he  even  invented  No.  166,  one 
may  say,  for  he  didn't  know  there  was  such  a  number 
in  the  Eagle  Hotel  until  we  went  there.  He  stood 
ready  to  invent  anybody  or  anything  whenever  it  was 
wanted.  If  I  called  for  "  outside  "  spies,  he  promptly 
described  strangers  whom  he  had  seen  at  the  hotel,  and 
whose  names  he  had  happened  to  hear.  Ah,  he  lived 
in  a  gorgeous,  mysterious,  romantic  world  during  those 
few  stirring  days,  and  I  think  it  was  real  to  him,  and 
that  he  enjoyed  it  clear  down  to  the  bottom  of  his 
heart. 


298  A  Curious  Experience 

But  he  made  trouble  enough  for  us,  and  just  no  end 
of  humiliation.  You  see,  on  account  of  him  we  had 
fifteen  or  twenty  people  under  arrest  and  confinement 
in  the  fort,  with  sentinels  before  their  doors.  A  lot  of 
the  captives  were  soldiers  and  such,  and  to  them  I 
didn't  have  to  apologize;  but  the  rest  were  first-class 
citizens,  from  all  over  the  country,  and  no  amount  of 
apologies  was  sufficient  to  satisfy  them.  They  just 
fumed  and  raged  and  made  no  end  of  trouble !  And 
those  two  ladies — one  was  an  Ohio  Congressman's 
wife,  the  other  a  Western  bishop's  sister  —  well,  the 
scorn  and  ridicule  and  angry  tears  they  poured  out  on 
me  made  up  a  keepsake  that  was  likely  to  make  me 
remember  them  for  a  considerable  time  —  and  I  shall. 
That  old  lame  gentleman  with  the  goggles  was  a  college 
president  from  Philadelphia,  who  had  come  up  to 
attend  his  nephew's  funeral.  He  had  never  seen  young 
Wicklow  before,  of  course.  Well,  he  not  only  missed 
the  funeral,  and  got  jailed  as  a  rebel  spy,  but  Wicklow 
had  stood  up  there  in  my  quarters  and  coldly  described 
him  as  a  counterfeiter,  nigger-trader,  horse-thief,  and 
firebug  from  the  most  notorious  rascal-nest  in  Galves- 
ton ;  and  this  was  a  thing  which  that  poor  old  gentle- 
man couldn't  seem  to  get  over  at  all. 

And  the  War  Department!  But,  oh,  my  soul,  let's 
draw  the  curtain  over  that  part ! 

NOTE. —  I  showed  my  manuscript  to  the  Major,  and  he  said:  "Your 
unfamiliarity  with  military  matters  has  betrayed  you  into  some  little  mis- 
takes. Still,  they  are  picturesque  ones  —  let  them  go;  military  men  will 
smile  at  them,  the  rest  won't  detect  them.  You  have  got  the  main  facts  of 
the  history  right,  and  have  set  them  down  just  about  as  they  occurred." — 
M.T. 


MRS.  McWILLlAMS  AND  THE  LIGHTNING 

WELL,  sir  —  continued  Mr.  McWilliams,  for  this 
was  not  the  beginning  of  his  talk  —  the  fear  of 
lightning  is  one  of  the  most  distressing  infirmities  a 
human  being  can  be  afflicted  with.  It  is  mostly  con- 
fined to  women ;  but  now  and  then  you  find  it  in  a 
little  dog,  and  sometimes  in  a  man.  It  is  a  particularly 
distressing  infirmity,  for  the  reason  that  it  takes  the 
sand  out  of  a  person  to  an  extent  which  no  other  fear 
can,  and  it  can't  be  reasoned  with,  and  neither  can  it  be 
shamed  out  of  a  person.  A  woman  who  could  face 
the  very  devil  himself  —  or  a  mouse  —  loses  her  grip 
and  goes  all  to  pieces  in  front  of  a  flash  of  lightning. 
Her  fright  is  something  pitiful  to  see. 

Well,  as  I  was  telling  you,  I  woke  up,  with  that 
smothered  and  unlocatable  cry  of  "  Mortimer!  Morti- 
mer!" wailing  in  my  ears;  and  as  soon  as  I  could 
scrape  my  faculties  together  I  reached  over  in  the  dark 
and  then  said : 

"  Evangeline,  is  that  you  calling?  What  is  the 
matter?  Where  are  you?" 

"  Shut  up  in  the  boot-closet.  You  ought  to  be 
ashamed  to  lie  there  and  sleep  so,  and  such  an  awful 
storm  going  on." 

'  Why,  how  can  one  be  ashamed  when  he  is  alseep? 
It  is  unreasonable;  a  man  can't  be  ashamed  when  he 
is  asleep,  Evangeline." 

*  You  never  try,  Mortimer  —  you  know  very  well 
you  never  try." 

(299) 


300  Mrs.  McWilliams  and  the  Lightning 

I  caught  the  sound  of  muffled  sobs. 

That  sound  smote  dead  the  sharp  speech  that  was  on 
my  lips,  and  I  changed  it  to  — 

"I'm  sorry,  dear  —  I'm  truly  sorry.  I  never  meant 
to  act  so.  Come  back  and  — " 

"MORTIMER!" 
'Heavens!    what  is   the    matter,  my  love?*' 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  you  are  in  that  bed  yet?" 
'Why,  of  course." 

"  Come  out  of  it  instantly.  I  should  think  you 
would  take  some  little  care  of  your  life,  for  my  sake 
and  the  children's,  if  you  will  not  for  your  own." 

"  But,  my  love—" 

"  Don't  talk  to  me,  Mortimer.  You  know  there  is 
no  place  so  dangerous  as  a  bed,  in  such  a  thunder- 
storm as  this  —  all  the  books  say  that ;  yet  there  you 
would  lie,  and  deliberately  throw  away  your  life  —  for 
goodness  knows  what,  unless  for  the  sake  of  arguing, 
and  arguing,  and — " 

II  But,  confound  it,  Evangeline,  I'm  not  in  the  bed 
now.     I'm — " 

[Sentence  interrupted  by  a  sudden  glare  of  lightning, 
followed  by  a  terrified  little  scream  from  Mrs.  Mc- 
Williams and  a  tremendous  blast  of  thunder.] 

"There!  You  see  the  result.  O,  Mortimer,  how 
can  you  be  so  profligate  as  to  swear  at  such  a  time  as 
this?" 

"  I  didn't  swear.  And  that  wasn't  a  result  of  it, 
anyway.  It  would  have  come,  just  the  same,  if  I 
hadn't  said  a  word;  and  you  know  very  well,  Evan- 
geline —  at  least,  you  ought  to  know  —  that  when  the 
atmosphere  is  charged  with  electricity — " 

"  Oh,  yes;  now  argue  it,  and  argue  it,  and  argue 
it !  —  I  don't  see  how  you  can  act  so,  when  you  know 
there  is  not  a  lightning-rod  on  the  place,  and  your 
poor  wife  and  children  are  absolutely  at  the  mercy  of 


Mrs.  McWilliams  and  the  Lightning  301 

Providence.  What  are  you  doing?  —  lighting  a  match 
at  such  a  time  as  this !  Are  you  stark  mad?" 

11  Hang  it,  woman,  where's  the  harm?  The  place  is 
as  dark  as  the  inside  of  an  infidel,  and — " 

44  Put  it  out!  put  it  out  instantly!  Are  you  deter- 
mined to  sacrifice  us  all?  You  know  there  is  nothing 
attracts  lightning  like  a  light.  \Fzt !  —  crash  /  boom 
—  boloom-boom-boom  /]  Oh,  just  hear  it!  Now  you 
see  what  you've  done  !" 

44  No,  I  don't  see  what  I've  done.  A  match  may 
attract  lightning,  for  all  I  know,  but  it  don't  cause 
lightning —  I'll  go  odds  on  that.  And  it  didn't  attract 
it  worth  a  cent  this  time ;  for  if  that  shot  was  leveled 
at  my  match,  it  was  blessed  poor  markmanship  — 
about  an  average  of  none  out  of  a  possible  million,  I 
should  say.  Why,  at  Dollymount  such  marksmanship 
as  that — " 

44  For  shame,  Mortimer !  Here  we  are  standing  right 
in  the  very  presence  of  death,  and  yet  in  so  solemn 
a  moment  you  are  capable  of  using  such  language 
as  that.  If  you  have  no  desire  to  —  Mortimet  !" 

44  Well?" 

i4  Did  you  say  your  prayers  to-night?" 

44  I  —  I  —  meant  to,  but  I  got  to  trying  to  cipher 
out  how  much  twelve  times  thirteen  is,  and  — •" 

\_Fzt !  —  boom-berroom-boom  /  bumble-umble  bang- 
SMASH!] 

44  Oh,  we  are  lost,  beyond  all  help!  How  could 
you  neglect  such  a  thing  at  such  a  time  as  this?" 

14  But  it  wasn't 4  such  a  time  as  this.'  There  wasn't 
a  cloud  in  the  sky.  How  could  /  know  there  was 
going  to  be  all  this  rumpus  and  pow-wow  about  a  little 
slip  like  that?  And  I  don't  think  it's  just  fair  for  you 
to  make  so  much  out  of  it,  anyway,  seeing  it  happens 
so  seldom;  I  haven't  missed  before  since  I  brought  on 
that  earthquake,  four  years  ago." 


302  Mrs.  McWilliams  and  the  Lightning 

"  MORTIMER  !  How  you  talk !  Have  you  forgotten 
the  yellow-fever?" 

14  My  dear,  you  are  always  throwing  up  the  yellow- 
fever  to  me,  and  I  think  it  is  perfectly  unreasonable. 
You  can't  even  send  a  telegraphic  message  as  far  as 
Memphis  without  relays,  so  how  is  a  little  devotional 
slip  of  mine  going  to  carry  so  far?  I'll  stand  the 
earthquake,  because  it  was  in  the  neighborhood ;  but 
I'll  be  hanged  if  I'm  going  to  be  responsible  for  every 
blamed—" 

\Fzt !  —  BOOM  beroom-boom  !  boom.  —  BANG !] 

"  Oh,  dear,  dear,  dear!  I  know  it  struck  something, 
Mortimer.  We  never  shall  see  the  light  of  another 
day;  and  if  it  will  do  you  any  good  to  remember, 
when  we  are  gone,  that  your  dreadful  language  — 
Mortimer  /" 

'WELL!     What  now?" 

'  Your  voice  sounds  as  if  —  Mortimer,  are  you 
actually  standing  in  front  of  that  open  fireplace?" 

*  That  is  the  very  crime  I  am  committing." 

"Get  away  from  it  this  moment!  You  do  seem 
determined  to  bring  destruction  on  us  all.  Don't  you 
know  that  there  is  no  better  conductor  for  lightning 
than  an  open  chimney?  Now  where  have  you  got  to?" 

"I'm  here  by  the  window." 

"  Oh,  for  pity's  sake!  have  you  lost  your  mind? 
Clear  out  from  there,  this  moment !  The  very  children 
in  arms  know  it  is  fatal  to  stand  near  a  window  in  a 
thunder-storm.  Dear,  dear,  I  know  I  shall  never  see 
the  light  of  another  day !  Mortimer  I" 

"  Yes." 

44  What  is  that  rustling?" 

•4  It's  me." 

4  What  are  you  doing?" 
4  Trying  to  find  the  upper  end  of  my  pantaloons." 

44  Quick !  throw  those  things  away !     I  do  believe 


Mrs.  McWilliams  and  the  Lightning  303 

you  would  deliberately  put  on  those  clothes  at  such  a 
time  as  this;  yet  you  know  perfectly  well  that  all 
authorities  agree  that  woolen  stuffs  attract  lightning. 
Oh,  dear,  dear,  it  isn't  sufficient  that  one's  life  must 
be  in  peril  from  natural  causes,  but  you  must  do  every- 
thing you  can  possibly  think  of  to  augment  the  danger. 
Oh,  don't  sing!  What  can  you  be  thinking  of?" 

"  Now  where's  the  harm  in  it?" 

"  Mortimer,  if  I  have  told  you  once,  I  have  told  you 
a  hundred  times,  that  singing  causes  vibrations  in  the 
atmosphere  which  interrupt  the  flow  of  the  electric 
fluid,  and  —  What  on  earth  are  you  opening  that 
door  for?" 

"  Goodness  gracious,  woman,  is  there  any  harm  in 


"  Harm  f  There's  death  in  it.  Anybody  that  has 
given  this  subject  any  attention  knows  that  to  create  a 
draught  is  to  invite  the  lightning.  You  haven't  half 
shut  it;  shut  it  tight  —  and  do  hurry,  or  we  are  all 
destroyed.  Oh,  it  is  an  awful  thing  to  be  shut  up  with 
a  lunatic  at  such  a  time  as  this.  Mortimer,  what  are 
you  doing?" 

"  Nothing.  Just  turning  on  the  water.  This  room 
is  smothering  hot  and  close.  I  want  to  bathe  my  face 
and  hands." 

'  You  have  certainly  parted  with  the  remnant  of 
your  mind  !  Where  lightning  strikes  any  other  sub- 
stance once,  it  strikes  water  fifty  times.  Do  turn  it 
off.  Oh,  dear,  I  am  sure  that  nothing  in  this  world 
can  save  us.  It  does  seem  to  me  that  —  Mortimer, 
what  was  that?" 

14  It  was  a  da  —  it  was  a  picture.  Knocked  it 
down." 

"  Then  you  are  close  to  the  wall  !  I  never  heard  of 
such  imprudence  !  Don't  you  know  that  there's  no 
better  conductor  for  lightning  than  a  wall?  Come 


304  Mrs.  McWilliams  and  the  Lightning 

away  from  there !  And  you  came  as  near  as  anything 
to  swearing,  too.  Oh,  how  can  you  be  so  desperately 
wicked,  and  your  family  in  such  peril?  Mortimer,  did 
you  order  a  feather  bed,  as  I  asked  you  to  do?" 

"No.     Forgot  it." 

"  Forgot  it!  It  may  cost  you  your  life.  If  you 
had  a  feather  bed  now,  and  could  spread  it  in  the 
middle  of  the  room  and  lie  on  it,  you  would  be  per- 
fectly safe.  Come  in  here  —  come  quick,  before  you 
have  a  chance  to  commit  any  more  frantic  indiscre- 
tions." 

I  tried,  but  the  little  closet  would  not  hold  us  both 
with  the  door  shut,  unless  we  could  be  content  to 
smother.  I  gasped  awhile,  then  forced  my  way  out. 
My  wife  called  out : 

44  Mortimer,  something  must  be  done  for  your 
preservation.  Give  me  that  German  book  that  is  on 
the  end  of  the  mantel-piece,  and  a  candle;  but  don't 
light  it ;  give  me  a  match ;  I  will  light  it  in  here.  That 
book  has  some  directions  in  it." 

I  got  the  book  —  at  cost  cf  a  vase  and  some  other 
brittle  things ;  and  the  madam  shut  herself  up  with  her 
candle.  I  had  a  moment's  peace;  then  she  called  out: 

44  Mortimer,  what  was  that?" 

44  Nothing  but  the  cat." 

44  The  cat!  Oh,  destruction!  Catch  her,  and  shut 
her  up  in  the  washstand.  Do  be  quick,  love ;  cats  are 
full  of  electricity.  I  just  know  my  hair  will  turn  white 
with  this  night's  awful  perils." 

I  heard  the  muffled  sobbings  again.  But  for  that,  I 
should  not  have  moved  hand  or  foot  in  such  a  wild 
enterprise  in  the  dark. 

However,  I  went  at  my  task  —  over  chairs,  and 
against  all  sorts  of  obstructions,  all  of  them  hard  ones, 
too,  and  most  of  them  with  sharp  edges  —  and  at  last 
I  got  kitty  cooped  up  in  the  commode,  at  an  expense 


Mrs.  McWilliams  and  the  Lightning  505 

of  over  four  hundred  dollars  in  broken  furniture  and 
shins.    Then  these  muffled  words  came  from  the  closet: 

"  It  says  the  safest  thing  is  to  stand  on  a  chair  in 
the  middle  of  the  room,  Mortimer;  and  the  legs  of  the 
chair  must  be  insulated  with  non-conductors.  That  is, 
you  must  set  the  legs  of  the  chair  in  glass  tumblers. 
[Fzt  !  —  boom  —  bang  !  —  smash  /]  Oh,  hear  that ! 
Do  hurry,  Mortimer,  before  you  are  struck." 

I  managed  to  find  and  secure  the  tumblers.  I  got 
the  last  four  —  broke  all  the  rest.  I  insulated  the 
chair  legs,  and  called  for  further  instructions. 

"  Mortimer,  it  says,  *  Wahrend  eines  Gewitters  ent- 
ferne  man  Metalle,  wie  z.  B.,  Ringe,  Uhren,  Schlussel, 
etc.,  von  sich  und  halte  sich  auch  nicht  an  solchen 
Stellen  auf,  wo  viele  Metalle  bei  einander  liegen,  oder 
mit  andern  Korpern  verbunden  sind,  wie  an  Herden, 
Oefen,  Eisengittern  u.  dgl.'  What  does  that  mean, 
Mortimer?  Does  it  mean  that  you  must  keep  metals 
about  you,  or  keep  them  away  from  you?" 

44  Well,  I  hardly  know.  It  appears  to  be  a  little 
mixed.  All  German  advice  is  more  or  less  mixed. 
However,  I  think  that  that  sentence  is  mostly  in  the 
dative  case,  with  a  little  genitive  and  accusative  sifted 
in,  here  and  there,  for  luck;  so  I  reckon  it  means  that 
you  must  keep  some  metals  about  you." 

"Yes,  that  must  be  it.  It  stands  to  reason  that  it  is. 
They  are  in  the  nature  of  lightning-rods,  you  know. 
Put  on  your  fireman's  helmet,  Mortimer;  that  is 
mostly  metal." 

I  got  it,  and  put  it  on  —  a  very  heavy  and  clumsy 
and  uncomfortable  thing  on  a  hot  night  in  a  close 
room.  Even  my  nightdress  seemed  to  be  more 
clothing  than  I  strictly  needed. 

**  Mortimer,  I  think  your  middle  ought  to  be  pro- 
tected.    Won't  you    buckle   on  your    militia   saber, 
please?" 
20*** 


306  Mrs.  McWilliams  and  the  Lightning 

I  complied. 

"  Now,  Mortimer,  you  ought  to  have  some  way  to 
protect  your  feet.  Do  please  put  on  your  spurs." 

I  did  it  —  in  silence  —  and  kept  my  temper  as  well 
as  I  could. 

"  Mortimer,  it  says,  '  Das  Gewitter  lauten  ist  sehr 
gefahrlich,  weil  die  Glocke  selbst,  sowie  der  durch  das 
Lauten  veranlasste  Luftzug  und  die  Hohe  des  Thurmes 
den  Blitz  anziehen  konnten.'  Mortimer,  does  that 
mean  that  it  is  dangerous  not  to  ring  the  church  bells 
during  a  thunder-storm?'* 

'Yes,  it  seems  to  mean  that — if  that  is  the  past 
participle  of  the  nominative  case  singular,  and  I  reckon 
it  is.  Yes,  I  think  it  means  that  on  account  of  the 
height  of  the  church  tower  and  the  absence  of  Luftzug 
it  would  be  very  dangerous  (se/ir  gcfdJirlicJi)  not  to 
ring  the  bells  in  time  of  a  storm ;  and  moreover,  don't 
you  see,  the  very  wording — " 

*'  Never  mind  that,  Mortimer;  don't  waste  the 
precious  time  in  talk.  Get  the  large  dinner-bell ;  it  is 
right  there  in  the  hall.  Quick,  Mortimer,  dear;  we 
are  almost  safe.  Oh,  dear,  I  do  believe  we  are  going 
to  be  saved,  at  last!" 

Our  little  summer  establishment  stands  on  top  of  a 
high  range  of  hills,  overlooking  a  valley.  Several  farm- 
houses are  in  our  neighborhood  —  the  nearest  some 
three  or  four  hundred  yards  away. 

When  I,  mounted  on  the  chair,  had  been  clanging 
that  dreadful  bell  a  matter  of  seven  or  eight  minutes, 
our  shutters  were  suddenly  torn  open  from  without, 
and  a  brilliant  bull's-eye  lantern  was  thrust  in  at  the 
window,  followed  by  a  hoarse  inquiry  : 

**  What  in  the  nation  is  the  matter  here?" 

The  window  was  full  of  men's  heads,  and  the  heads 
were  full  of  eyes  that  stared  wildly  at  my  nightdress 
and  my  warlike  accoutrements. 


"  WHAT    IS    THE    MATTER    HERE  ? 


Mrs.  McWilliams  and  the  Lightning  307 

I  dropped  the  bell,  skipped  down  from  the  chair  in 
confusion,  and  said : 

' '  There  is  nothing  the  matter,  friends  —  only  a  little 
discomfort  on  account  of  the  thunder-storm.  I  was 
trying  to  keep  off  the  lightning." 

"  Thunder-storm?  Lightning?  Why,  Mr.  McWil- 
liams, have  you  lost  your  mind?  It  is  a  beautiful 
starlight  night;  there  has  been  no  storm." 

I  looked  out,  and  I  was  so  astonished  I  could  hardly 
speak  for  a  while.  Then  I  said  : 

"  I  do  not  understand  this.  We  distinctly  saw  the 
glow  of  the  flashes  through  the  curtains  and  shutters, 
and  heard  the  thunder." 

One  after  another  of  those  people  lay  down  on  the 
ground  to  laugh  —  and  two  of  them  died.  One  of  the 
survivors  remarked: 

"  Pity  you  didn't  think  to  open  your  blinds  and 
look  over  to  the  top  of  the  high  hill  yonder.  What 
you  heard  was  cannon;  what  you  saw  was  the  flash. 
You  see,  the  telegraph  brought  some  news,  just  at 
midnight;  Garfield's  nominated  —  and  that's  what's 
the  matter!" 

Yes,  Mr.  Twain,  as  I  was  saying  in  the  beginning 
(said  Mr.  McWilliams) ,  the  rules  for  preserving  people 
against  lightning  are  so  excellent  and  so  innumerable 
that  the  most  incomprehensible  thing  in  the  world  to 
me  is  how  anybody  ever  manages  to  get  struck. 

So  saying,  he  gathered  up  his  satchel  and  umbrella, 
and  departed ;  for  the  train  had  reached  his  town. 


MEISTERSCHAFT:  IN  THREE  ACTS* 


DRAMATIS  PERSONS: 

MR.  STEPHENSON.  MARGARET  STEPHENSON. 

GEORGE  FRANKLIN,  ANNIE  STEPHENSON. 

WILLIAM  JACKSON.  MRS.  BLUMENTHAL,  the  Wirthin, 

GRETCHEN,  Kellnerin. 

ACT  I. 

SCENE    I. 

Scene  of  the  play,  the  parlor  of  a  small  private  dwelling  in  a  village. 
(Margaret  discovered  crocheting  —  has  a  pamphlet.) 

N/1ARGARET.  (Solus.)  Dear,  dear!  it's  dreary 
I  I  enough,  to  have  to  study  this  impossible  German 
tongue :  to  be  exiled  from  home  and  all  human  society 
except  a  body's  sister  in  order  to  do  it,  is  just  simply 
abscheulich.  Here's  only  three  weeks  of  the  three 

*  EXPLANATORY.  I  regard  the  idea  of  this  play  as  a  valuable  invention. 
I  call  it  the  Patent  Universally-Applicable  Automatically-Adjustable  Lan- 
guage Drama.  This  indicates  that  it  is  adjustable  to  any  tongue,  and  per- 
formable  in  any  tongue.  The  English  portions  of  the  play  are  to  remain 
just  as  they  are,  permanently;  but  you  change  the  foreign  portions  to  any 
language  you  please,  at  will.  Do  you  see?  You  at  once  have  the  same 
old  play  in  a  new  tongue.  And  you  can  keep  on  changing  it  from  language 
to  language,  until  your  private  theatrical  pupils  have  become  glib  and  at 

(303) 


Meisterschaft:  In  Three  Acts  309 

months  gone  and  it  seems  like  three  years.  I  don't 
believe  I  can  live  through  it,  and  Tin  sure  Annie  can't. 
(Refers  to  her  book,  and  rattles  throtigh,  several  times, 
like  one  memorizing :)  Entschuldigen  Sie,  mein  Herr, 
kb'nnen  Sie  mir  vielleicht  sagen,  um  wie  viel  Uhr  der 
erste  Zug  nach  Dresden  abgeht?  (Makes  mistakes  and 
corrects  them.)  I  just  hate  Meisterschaft !  We  may 
see  people;  we  can  have  society;  yes,  on  condition 
that  the  conversation  shall  be  in  German,  and  in  Ger- 
man only  —  every  single  word  of  it !  Very  kind  —  oh, 
very!  when  neither  Annie  nor  I  can  put  two  words 
together,  except  as  they  are  put  together  for  us  in 

home  in  the  speech  of  all  nations.  Zum  Beispiel,  suppose  we  wish  to 
adjust  the  play  to  the  French  tongue.  First,  we  give  Mrs.  Blumenthal  and 
Gretchen  P'rench  names.  Next,  we  knock  the  German  Meisterschaft 
sentences  out  of  the  first  scene,  and  replace  them  with  sentences  from  the 
French  Meisterschaft  —  like  this,  for  instance:  "Je  voudrais  faire  des 
emplettes  ce  matin;  voulez-vous  avoir  Pobligeance  de  venir  avec  moi  chez 
le  tailleur  francais?"  And  so  on.  Wherever  you  find  German,  replace  it 
with  French,  leaving  the  English  parts  undisturbed.  When  you  come  to 
the  long  conversation  in  the  second  act,  turn  to  any  pamphlet  of  your 
French  Meisterschaft,  and  shovel  in  as  much  French  talk  on  any  subject  as 
will  fill  up  the  gaps  left  by  the  expunged  German.  Example  —  page  423, 
French  Meisterschaft: 

On  dirait  qu'il  va  faire  chaud. 

J'ai  chaud. 

J'ai  extremement  chaud. 

Ah  !  qu'il  fait  chaud ! 

II  fait  une  chaleur  etouffante ! 

L'air  est  brulant. 

Je  meurs  de  chaleur. 

II  est  presque  impossible  de  supporter  la  chaleur. 

Cela  vous  fait  transpirer. 

Mettons  nous  a  1' ombre. 

II  fait  du  vent. 

II  fait  un  vent  froid. 

II  fait  un  temps  tres-agreable  pour  se  promener  aujourd'hui. 

And  so  on,  all  the  way  through.     It  is  very  easy  to  adjust  the  play  to 
any  desired  language.    Anybody  can  do  it.] 


310  Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts 

Meisterschaft  or  that  idiotic  Ollendorff!  {Refers  to 
book,  and  memorizes  :  Mein  Bruder  Jiat  Ihren  Herrn 
Vater  nicht  gesehen,  als  er  ge stern  in  dem  Laden  des 
deutschen  Kaufmannes  war.)  Yes,  we  can  have  so- 
ciety, provided  we  talk  German.  What  would  such  a 
conversation  be  like !  If  you  should  stick  to  Meister- 
schaft, it  would  change  the  subject  every  two  minutes ; 
and  if  you  stuck  to  Ollendorff,  it  would  be  all  about 
your  sister's  mother's  good  stocking  of  thread,  or  your 
grandfather's  aunt's  good  hammer  of  the  carpenter, 
and  who's  got  it,  and  there  an  end.  You  couldn't 
keep  up  your  interest  in  such  topics.  (Memorizing  : 
Wenn  irgend  mb'glich  —  mb'chte  icJi  noch  heute  Vormit- 
tag  dort  ankommen,  da  es  mir  sehr  daran  gelegen  ist, 
einen  meiner  Geschaftsfreunde  zu  treffen.)  My  mind  is 
made  up  to  one  thing:  I  will  be  an  exile,  in  spirit  and 
in  truth;  I  will  see  no  one  during  these  three  months. 
Father  is  very  ingenious  —  oh,  very !  thinks  he  is, 
anyway.  Thinks  he  has  invented  a  way  to  force  us  to 
learn  to  speak  German.  He  is  a  dear  good  soul,  and 
all  that;  but  invention  isn't  his  fash'.  He  will  see. 
{With  eloquent  energy.}  Why,  nothing  in  the  world 
shall  —  Bitte,  konnen  Sie  mir  vielleicht  sagen,  ob  Herr 
Schmidt  mit  diesem  Zuge  angekommen  ist?  Oh,  dear, 
dear  George  —  three  weeks  !  It  seems  a  whole  century 
since  I  saw  him.  I  wonder  if  he  suspects  that  I  —  that 
I  —  care  for  him  —  j-just  a  wee,  wee  bit?  I  believe 
he  does.  And  I  believe  Will  suspects  that  Annie  cares 
for  him  a  little,  that  I  do.  And  I  know  perfectly  well 
that  they  care  for  MS.  They  agree  with  all  our  opin- 
ions, no  matter  what  they  are;  and  if  they  have  a 
prejudice,  they  change  it,  as  soon  as  they  see  how 
foolish  it  is.  Dear  George !  at  first  he  just  couldn't 
abide  cats;  but  now,  why  now  he's  just  all  for  cats; 
he  fairly  welters  in  cats.  I  never  saw  such  a  refortn. 
And  it's  just  so  with  all  his  principles:  he  hasn't  got 


Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts  311 

one  that  he  had  before.  Ah,  if  all  men  were  like  him, 
this  world  would —  {Memorizing:  Im  Gegentheil, 
mein  Herr,  dieser  Staff  ist  sehr  billig.  Bitte,  sehen  Sie 
sick  nur  die  Qualitdt  an.)  Yes,  and  what  did  they  go 
to  studying  German  for,  if  it  wasn't  an  inspiration  of 
the  highest  and  purest  sympathy?  Any  other  explana- 
tion is  nonsense  —  why,  they'd  as  soon  have  thought 
of  studying  American  history.  (Turns  her  back,  buries 
herself  in  her  pamphlet,  first  memorizing  aloud,  until 
Annie  enters,  then  to  herself,  rocking  to  and  fro,  and 
rapidly  moving  her  lips,  wit/tout  uttering  a  sound.) 

(Enter  Annie,  absorbed  in  her  pamphlet  —  does  not  at  first  see  Mar- 
garet.) 

ANNIE.  (Memorizing:  Er  liess  mich  gestern  friih 
rufen,  tmd  sagte  mir  dass  er  einen  sehr  unangenehmen 
Brief  von  Ihrem  Lehrer  erhalten  hatte.  Repeats  twice 
aloud,  then  to  herself,  briskly  moving  her  lips.) 

M.  (Still  not  seeing  her  sister.)  Wie  geht  es  Ihrem 
Herrn  Schwiegervater?  Es  freut  mich  sehr  dass  Ihre 
Frau  Mutter  wieder  wohl  ist.  (Repeats.  Then  mouths 
in  silence?) 

A.  (Repeats  her  sentence  a  couple  of  times  aloud ; 
then  looks  t^p,  working  her  lips,  and  discovers  Margaret^ 
Oh,  you  here?  (Running  to  her.*)  Oh,  lovey-dovey, 
dovey-lovey,  I've  got  the  gr-reatest  news !  Guess, 
guess,  guess!  You'll  never  guess  in  a  hundred  thou- 
sand million  years  —  and  more  ! 

M.  Oh,  tell  me,  tell  me,  dearie;  don't  keep  me  in 
agony. 

A.  Well,  I  will.  What  —  do  —  you  think?  They're 
here ! 

M.  Wh-a-t!     Who?     When?     Which?     Speak! 

A,  Will  and  George  ! 

M.  Annie  Alexandra  Victoria  Stephenson,  what  do 
you  mean? 

A.  As  sure  as  guns  I 


312  Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts 

M.  {Spasmodically  unarming  and  kissing  her.*)  Sh* ! 
don't  use  such  language.  Oh,  darling,  say  it  again! 

A.  As  sure  as  guns  ! 

M.   I  don't  mean  that!     Tell  me  again,  that  — 

A.  {Springing  up  and  waltzing  about  the  room.) 
They're  here —  in  this  very  village  —  to  learn  German 

—  for  three  months  !     Es  sollte  m;ch  sehr  freuen  wenn 
Sie  — 

M.  {Joining  in  the  dance?)  Oh,  it's  just  too  lovely 
for  anything!  (Unconsciously  memorizing:)  Es  ware 
mir  lieb  wenn  Sie  morgen  mit  mir  in  die  Kirche  gehen 
konnten,  aber  ich  kann  selbst  nicht  gehen,  weil  ich 
Sonntags  gewohnlich  krank  bin.  Juckhe  ! 

A.  (Finishing  some  unconscious  memorizing?)  — 
morgen  Mittag  bei  mir  speisen  konnten.  Juckhe  !  Sit 
down  and  I'll  tell  you  all  I've  heard.  (They  sit.) 
They're  here,  and  under  that  same  odious  law  that 
fetters  us  —  our  tongues,  I  mean;  the  metaphor's 
faulty,  but  no  matter.  They  can  go  out,  and  see 
people,  only  on  condition  that  they  hear  and  speak 
German,  and  German  only. 

M.   Isn't  —  that  —  too  lovely! 

A.  And  they're  coming  to  see  us ! 

M.  Darling!     {Kissing  her.*)     But  are  you  sure? 

A.   Sure  as  guns  —  Gatling  guns  ! 

M.  'Sh!  don't,  child,  it's  schrecklich !  Darling  — 
you  aren't  mistaken? 

A.  As  sure  as  g  —  batteries  ! 

(They  jump  up  and  dance  a  moment  —  then  — ) 

M.  {With  distress.)  But,  Annie  dear!  —  we  can't 
talk  German  —  and  neither  can  they  ! 

A.   {Sorrowfully.)     I  didn't  think  of  that. 

M.   How  cruel  it  is  !     What  can  we  do? 

A.   {After  a  reflective  pause,  resolutely.)     Margaret 

—  we've  got  to. 


Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts  313 

M.  Got  to  what? 

A.  Speak  German. 

M.  Why,  how,  child? 

A.  {Contemplating  her  pamphlet  with  earnestness.) 
I  can  tell  you  one  thing.  Just  give  me  the  blessed 
privilege :  just  hinsetzen  Will  Jackson  here  in  front  of 
me,  and  I'll  talk  German  to  him  as  long  as  this  Meister- 
schaft holds  out  to  burn. 

M.  {Joyously?)  Oh,  what  an  elegant  idea!  You 
certainly  have  got  a  mind  that's  a  mine  of  resources, 
if  ever  anybody  had  one. 

A.  I'll  skin  this  Meisterschaft  to  the  last  sentence  in 
it! 

M.  ( With  a  happy  idea.)  Why,  Annie,  it's  the 
greatest  thing  in  the  world.  I've  been  all  this  time 
struggling  and  despairing  over  these  few  little  Meister- 
schaft primers ;  but  as  sure  as  you  live,  I'll  have  the 
whole  fifteen  by  heart  before  this  time  day  after  to- 
morrow. See  if  I  don't. 

A.  And  so  will  I;  and  I'll  trowel  in  a  layer  of 
Ollendorff  mush  between  every  couple  of  courses  of 
Meisterschaft  bricks.  Juckhe! 

M.  Hoch!  hoch!  hoch! 

A.  Stoss  an ! 

M.  Juckhe!  Wfr  werden  gleich  gute  deutsche 
Schlilerinnen  werder;  t  Juck  — 

A.  —he! 

M.  Annie,  when  are  they  coming  to  see  us?  To- 
night? 

A.  No. 

M.  No?  Why  not?  When  are  they  coming?  What 
are  they  waiting  for?  The  idea!  I  hever  heard  of 
such  a  thing !  What  do  you  — 

A.  (Breaking  in.)  Wait,  wait,  wait !  give  a  body  a 
chance.  They  have  their  reasons. 

M.  Reason?     What  reasons? 


314  Meisterschaft:  In  Three  Acts 

A.  Well,  now,  when  you  stop  and  think,  they're 
royal  good  ones.  They've  got  to  talk  German  when 
they  come,  haven't  they?  Of  course.  Well,  they 
don't  know  any  German  but  Wie  befinden  Sie  sich, 
and  Haben  Sie  gut  geschlafen,  and  Vater  unser,  and 
Jch  trinke  lieber  Bier  als  Wasser,  and  a  few  little  parlor 
things  like  that;  but  when  it  comes  to  talkingy  why 
they  don't  know  a  hundred  and  fifty  German  words, 
put  them  all  together. 

M.  Oh,  I  see. 

A.  So  they're  going  neither  to  eat,  sleep,  smoke, 
nor  speak  the  truth  till  they've  crammed  home  the 
whole  fifteen  Meisterschaf ts  auswendig  1 

M.  Noble  hearts ! 

A.  They're  given  themselves  till  day  after  to-morrow, 
half-past  7  P.  M.,  and  then  they'll  arrive  here  loaded. 

M.  Oh,  how  lovely,  how  gorgeous,  how  beautiful ! 
Some  think  this  world  is  made  of  mud;  I  think  it's 
made  of  rainbows.  (Memorising.')  Wenn  irgend  mog- 
lich,  so  mochte  ich  noch  heute  Vormittag  dort  ankom- 
men,  da  es  mir  sehr  daran  gelegen  ist —  Annie,  I  can 
learn  it  just  like  nothing ! 

A.  So  can  I.  Meisterschaf t's  mere  fun  —  I  don't 
see  how  it  ever  could  have  seemed  difficult.  Come ! 
We  can't  be  disturbed  here;  let's  give  orders  that  we 
don't  want  anything  to  eat  for  two  days;  and  are 
absent  to  friends,  dead  to  strangers,  and  not  at  home 
even  to  nougat  peddlers  — 

M.  Schon !  and  we'll  lock  ourselves  into  our  rooms, 
and  at  the  end  of  two  days,  whosoever  may  ask  us  a 
Meisterschaft  question  shall  get  a  Meisterschaft  answer 
—  and  hot  from  the  bat ! 

BOTH.  (Reciting"  in  unison.)  Ich  habe  einen  Hut  fiif 
meinen  Sohn,  ein  Paar  Handschuhe  fur  meinen  Bruder, 
und  einen  Kamm  fiir  mich  selbst  gekauft. 

(Exeunt.) 


Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts  315 

(Enter  Mrs.  Blumenthal,  the  Wirthin.) 

WlRTHlN.  (Solus.)  Ach,  die  armen  Madchen,  sie 
hassen  die  deutsche  Sprache,  drum  ist  es  ganz  und  gar 
unmoglich  dass  sie  sie  je  lernen  konnen.  Es  bricht  mir 
ja  mein  Herz  ihre  Kummer  liber  die  Studien  anzu- 

sehen Warum  haben  sie  den  Entchluss  gefasst 

in  ihren  Zimmern  ein  Paar  Tage  zu  bleiben? 

Ja  —  gewiss  —  das  versteht  sich ;  sie  sind  entmuthigt 
—  arme  Kinder ! 

(A  knock  at  the  door.)     Herein  ! 

(Enter  Gretchen  with  card.) 

GR.  Er  ist  schon  wieder  da,  und  sagt  dass  er  nur 
Sie  sehen  will.  (Hands  the  card.)  Auch  — - 

WlRTHlN.  Gott  im  Himmel  —  der  Vater  der  Mad- 
chen !  (Puts  the  card  in  her  pocket.)  Er  wiinscht  die 
Tdchter  nicht  zu  treffen?  Ganz  recht;  also,  Du 
schweigst. 

GR.  Zu  Befehl. 

WIRTHIN.  Lass  ihn  hereinkommen. 

GR.  Ja,  Frau  Wirthin  ! 

(Exit  Gretchen,) 

WIRTHIN.  (Solus.)  Ah  — -  jetzt  muss  ich  ihm  die 
Wahrheit  offenbaren. 

(Enter  Mr.  Stephenson.) 

STEPHENSON.  Good  morning,  Mrs.  Blumenthal  — 
keep  your  seat,  keep  your  seat,  please.  I'm  only  here 
for  a  moment  —  merely  to  get  your  report,  you  know. 
(Seating  himself.)  Don't  want  to  see  the  girls  —  poor 
things,  they'd  want  to  go  home  with  me.  I'm  afraid  I 
couldn't  have  the  heart  to  say  no.  How's  the  German 
getting  along? 

WIRTHIN.  N-not  very  well ;  I  was  afraid  you  would 
ask  me  that.  You  see,  they  hate  it,  they  don't  take 


316  Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts 

the  least  interest  in  it,  and  there  isn't  anything  to 
incite  them  to  an  interest,  you  see.  And  so  they  can't 
talk  at  all. 

S.  M-m.  That's  bad.  I  had  an  idea  that  they'd 
get  lonesome,  and  have  to  seek  society;  and  then,  of 
course,  my  plan  would  work,  considering  the  cast-iron 
conditions  of  it. 

WIRTHIN.     But  it  hasn't  so  far.     I've  thrown  nice 
company  in   their  way  — I've   done   my  very  best,  in 
every  way  I   could   think   of — but   it's  no  use;   they 
won't  go  out,  and  they  won't  receive  anybody.     And 
a  body  can't  blame  them ;   they'd   be  tongue-tied  — 
couldn't  do    anything    with    a    German    conversation. 
Now,   when   I   started   to   learn   German  —  such    poor 
German  as  I  know  —  the  case  was   very  different ;   my 
intended  was  a  German.     I  was  to  live  among  Germans 
the    rest   of  my  life;   and  so  I   had  to  learn.     Why, 
bless  my  heart !     I  nearly  lost  the   man   the  first  time 
he  asked  me  —  I   thought  he  was  talking  about  the 
measles.     They  were  very  prevalent  at  the  time.     Told 
him  I  didn't  want  any  in  mine.     But  I  found  out  the 
mistake,  and  I  was  fixed  for  him  next  time.  ....  .Oh, 

yes,  Mr.  Stephenson,  a  sweetheart's  a  prime  incentive! 

S.  (Aside?)  Good  soul !  she  doesn't  suspect  that 
my  plan  is  a  double  scheme  —  includes  a  speaking 
knowledge  of  German,  which  I  am  bound  they  shall 
have,  and  the  keeping  them  away  from  those  two 
young  fellows  —  though  if  I  had  known  that  those  boys 
were  going  off  for  a  year's  foreign  travel,  I  —  however, 
the  girls  would  never  learn  that  language  at  home; 
they're  here,  and  I  won't  relent  —  they've  got  to  stick 
the  three  months  out.  (Aloud.)  So  they  are  making 
poor  progress  ?  Now  tell  me  —  will  they  learn  it  — 
after  a  sort  of  fashion,  I  mean  —  in  three  months?" 

WIRTHIN.  Well,  now,  I'll  tell  you  the  only  chance  I 
see.  Do  what  I  will,  they  won't  answer  my  German 


Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts  317 

with  anything  but  English;  if  that  goes  on,  they'll 
stand  stock  still.  Now  I'm  willing  to  do  this:  I'll 
straighten  everything  up,  get  matters  in  smooth  run- 
ning order,  and  day  after  to-morrow  I'll  go  to  bed 
sick,  and  stay  sick  three  weeks. 

S.  Good  !  You  are  an  angel !  I  see  your  idea.  The 
servant  girl  — 

WlRTHlN.  That's  it;  that's  my  project.  She  doesn't 
know  a  word  of  English.  And  Gretchen's  a  real 
good  soul,  and  can  talk  the  slates  off  a  roof.  Her 
tongue's  just  a  flutter-mill.  I'll  keep  my  room  —  just 
ailing  a  little  —  and  they'll  never  see  my  face  except 
when  they  pay  their  little  duty-visits  to  me,  and  then 
I'll  say  English  disorders  my  mind.  They'll  be  shut 
up  with  Gretchen's  windmill,  and  she'll  just  grind  them 
to  powder.  Oh,  they'll  get  a  start  in  the  language  — 
sort  of  a  one,  sure's  you  live.  You  come  back  in 
three  weeks. 

S.  Bless  you,  my  Retterin!  I'll  be  here  to  the  day! 
Get  ye  to  your  sick  room  —  you  shall  have  treble  pay. 
(Looking  at  watch.)  Good !  I  can  just  catch  my 
train.  Leben  Sie  wohl ! 

(Exit.) 

WlRTHlN.  Leben  Sie  wohl !  mein  Herr ! 


ACT  II. 

SCENE    I. 

Time,  a  couple  of  days  later.    The  girls  discovered  with  their  work  and 
primers. 

ANNIE.     Was  felt  der  Wirthin? 
MARGARET.  Das  weiss  ich  nicht.     Sie  ist  schon  vor 
zwei  Tagen  ins  Bett  gegangen  — 

2IA 


318  Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts 

A.   My !  how  fliessend  you  speak  ! 

M.  Danke  schon  —  und  sagte  dass  sie  nicht  wohl  seL 

A.  Good?  Oh,  no,  I  don't  mean  that!  no  —  only 
lucky  for  tis  —  gliicklich,  you  know  I  mean  because 
it'll  be  so  much  nicer  to  have  them  all  to  ourselves. 

M.  Oh,  natiirlich !  Ja !  Dass  ziehe  ich  durchaus 
vor.  Do  you  believe  your  Meisterschaft  will  stay  with 
you,  Annie? 

A.  Well,  I  know  it  is  with  me  —  every  last  sentence 
of  it;  and  a  couple  of  hods  of  Ollendorff,  too,  for 
emergencies.  Maybe  they'll  refuse  to  deliver  —  right 
off  —  at  first,  you  know  —  der  Verlegenheit  wegen  — 
aber  ich  will  sie  spater  herausholen  —  when  I  get  my 
hand  in  —  und  vergisst  Du  das  nicht ! 

M.  Sei  nicht  grob,  Liebste.  What  shall  we  talk 
about  first  —  when  they  come  ? 

A.  Well  —  let  me  see.  There's  shopping  —  and  — 
all  that  about  the  trains,  you  know  —  and  going  to 
church  —  and  —  buying  tickets  to  London,  and  Berlin, 
and  all  around  —  and  all  that  subjunctive  stuff  about 
the  battle  in  Afghanistan,  and  where  the  American  was 
said  to  be  born,  and  so  on  —  and  —  and  ah  —  oh, 
there's  so  many  things  —  I  don't  think  a  body  can 
choose  beforehand,  because  you  know  the  circum- 
stances and  the  atmosphere  always  have  so  much  to 
do  in  directing  a  conversation,  especially  a  German 
conversation,  which  is  only  a  kind  of  an  insurrection, 
anyway.  I  believe  it's  best  to  just  depend  on  Prov  — 
(Glancing  at  watch,  and  gasping)  —  half -past  —  seven  ! 

M.  Oh,  dear,  I'm  all  of  a  tremble !  Let's  get  some- 
thing ready,  Annie ! 

{Both  fall  nervously  to  reciting)  :  Entschuldigen  Sie, 
mem  Herr,  konnen  Sie  mir  vielleicht  sagen  wie  icb 
nach  dern  norddeutschen  Bahnhof  gehe?  (They  repeat 
it  several  times,  losing  their  grip  and  mixing  it  all  up.) 

(A  knock.) 


Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts  319 

BOTH.  Herein  !     Oh,  dear !     O  der  heilige  — 

(Enter  Gretchen.) 

GRETCHEN  {Ruffled  and  indignant).  Entschuldigen 
Sie,  meine  gnadigsten  Fraulein,  es  sind  zwei  junge 
rasende  Herren  draussen,  die  herein  wollen,  aber  ich 
habe  ihnen  geschworen  dass  —  {Handing  the  cards.) 

M.  Du  liebe  Zeit,  they're  here!  And  of  course 
down  goes  my  back  hair !  Stay  and  receive  them, 
dear,  while  I  —  (Leaving.) 

A.  I — -  alone?  I  won't!  I'll  go  with  you!  (To 
GR.)  Lassen  Sie  die  Herren  naher  treten;  und  sagen 
Sie  ihnen  dass  wir  gleich  zuriickkommen  werden, 
(Exit.) 

GR.  (Solus?)  Was!  Sie  freuen  sich  dariiber?  Und 
ich  sollte  wirklich  diese  Blodsinnigen,  dies  grobe  Rind- 
vieh  hereinlassen  ?  In  den  hiilfloseri  Umstanden  meiner 
gnadigen  jungen  Damen  ?  —  Unsinn  !  (Pause  —  think- 
ing:)  Wohlan  !  Ich  werde  sie  mal  beschiitzen  !  Sollte 
man  nicht  glauben,  dass  sie  einen  Sparren  zu  viel 
hatten?  (Tapping  her  skull  significantly.)  Was  sie 
mir  doch  Alles  gesagt  haben  !  Der  Eine  :  "  Guten  Mor- 
gen  !  wie  geht  es  Ihrem  Herrn  Schwiegervater  ?  "  Du 
liebe  Zeit !  Wie  sollte  ich  einen  Schwiegervater  haben 
konnen !  Und  der  Andere:  "  Es  thut  mir  sehr  leid 
dass  Ihrer  Herr  Vater  meinen  Bruder  nicht  gesehen. 
hat,  als  er  doch  gestern  in  dem  Laden  des  deutschen 
Kaufmannes  war ! ' '  Potztausendhimmelsdonnerwetter  1 
Oh,  ich  war  ganz  rasend  !  Wie  ich  aber  rief :  "  Meine 
Herren,  ich  kenne  Sie  nicht,  und  Sie  kennen  meinen 
Vater  nicht,  wissen  Sie,  denn  er  ist  schon  lange  durch- 
gebrannt,  und  geht  nicht  beim  Tage  in  einen  Laden 
hinein,  wissen  Sie  —  und  ich  habe  keinen  Schwieger- 
vater, Gott  sei  Dank,  werde  auch  nie  einen  kriegen, 
werde  ueberhaupt,  wissen  Sie,  ein  solches  Ding  nie 
haben,  nie  dulden,  nie  ausstehen:  warum  greifen  Sie 


320  Meisterschaf t :  In  Three  Acts 

ein  Madchen  an,  das  nur  Unschuld  kennt,  das  Ihnen 
nie  Etwas  zu  Leide  gethan  hat?"  Dann  haben  sie  sich 
beide  die  Finger  in  die  Ohren  gesteckt  und  gebetet: 
4 '  Allmachtiger  Gott !  Erbarme  Dich  unser  ! ' '  (Pause.) 
Nun,  ich  werde  schon  diesen  Schurken  Einlass  gonnen, 
aber  ich  werde  ein  Auge  mit  ihnen  haben,  damit  sie 
sich  nicht  wie  reine  Teufel  geberden  sollen. 
(Exit,  grumbling  and  shaking  her  head.) 

(Enter  William  and  George.) 

W.  My  land,  what  a  girl !  and  what  an  incredible 
gift  of  gabble !  —  kind  of  patent  climate-proof  com- 
pensation-balance self-acting  automatic  Meisterschaft  — 
touch  her  button,  and  br-r-r !  away  she  goes ! 

GEO.  Never  heard  anything  like  it;  tongue  journaled 
on  ball-bearings  !  I  wonder  what  she  said ;  seemed  to 
be  swearing,  mainly. 

W.  (After  mumbling  Meisterschaft  a  while)  Look 
here,  George,  this  is  awful  —  come  to  think  —  this 
project:  we  can't  talk  this  frantic  language. 

GEO.  I  know  it,  Will,  and  it  is  awful;  but  I  can't 
live  without  seeing  Margaret  —  I've  endured  it  as  long 
as  I  can.  I  should  die  if  I  tried  to  hold  out  longer  — 
and  even  German  is  preferable  to  death. 

W.  {Hesitatingly.)  Well,  I  don't  know;  it's  a 
matter  of  opinion. 

GEO.  (Irritably)  It  isn't  a  matter  of  opinion, 
either.  German  is  preferable  to  death. 

W.  (Reflectively)  Well,  I  don't  know  —  the  prob- 
lem is  so  sudden  —  but  I  think  you  may  be  right : 
some  kinds  of  death.  It  is  more  than  likely  that  a 
slow,  lingering  —  well,  now,  there  in  Canada  in  the 
early  times  a  couple  of  centuries  ago,  the  Indians  would 
take  a  missionary  and  skin  him,  and  get  some  hot  ashes 
and  boiling  water  and  one  thing  and  another,  and  by 
and  by  that  missionary  —  well,  yes,  I  can  see  that,  by 


Meisterschaf t :  In  Three  Acts  321 

and  by,  talking  German  could  be  a  pleasant  change  for 
him. 

GEO.  Why,  of  course.  Das  versteht  sich ;  but  you 
have  to  always  think  a  thing  out,  or  you're  not  satis- 
fied. But  let's  not  go  to  bothering  about  thinking  out 
this  present  business;  we're  here,  we're  in  for  it;  you 
are  as  moribund  to  see  Annie  as  I  am  to  see  Margaret ; 
you  know  the  terms:  we've  got  to  speak  German. 
Now  stop  your  mooning  and  get  at  your  Meisterschaf  t ; 
we've  got  nothing  else  in  the  world. 

W.  Do  you  think  that'll  see  us  through? 

GEO.  Why  it's  got  to.  Suppose  we  wandered  out 
of  it  and  took  a  chance  at  the  language  on  our  own 
responsibility,  where  the  nation  would  we  be?  Up  a 
stump,  that's  where.  Our  only  safety  is  in  sticking 
like  wax  to  the  text. 

W.  But  what  can  we  talk  about? 

GEO.  Why,  anything  that  Meisterschaf  t  talks  about. 
It  ain't  our  affair. 

W.  I  know ;  but  Meisterschaft  talks  about  everything. 

GEO.  And  yet  don't  talk  about  anything  long  enough 
for  it  to  get  embarrassing.  Meisterschaft  is  just  splen- 
did for  general  conversation. 

W.  Yes,  that's  so;  but  it's  so  blamed  general! 
Won't  it  sound  foolish? 

GEO.  Foolish?  Why,  of  course;  all  German  sounds 
foolish. 

W.  Well,  that  is  true;   I  didn't  think  of  that, 

GEO.  Now,  don't  fool  around  any  more.  Load  up; 
load  up;  get  ready.  Fix  up  some  sentences;  you'll 
need  them  in  two  minutes  now. 

(They  walk  lip  and  down,  moving  their  lips  in  dumb- 
show  memorizing.) 

W.  Look  here  —  when  we've  said  all  that's  in  the 
book  on  a  topic,  and  want  to  change  the  subject,  how 
can  we  say  so?  —  how  would  a  German  say  it? 
21*** 


322  Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts 

GEO.  Well,  I  don't  know.  But  you  know  when  the} 
mean  "  Change  cars,"  they  say  Umsteigen.  Don't  you 
reckon  that  will  answer? 

W.  Tip-top  !  It's  short  and  goes  right  to  the  point: 
and  it's  got  a  business  whang  to  it  that's  almost  Ameri- 
can. Umsteigen  !  —  change  subject !  —  why,  it's  the 
very  thing. 

GEO.  All  right,  then,  you  umsteigen  —  for  I  hear 
them  coming. 

(Enter  the  girls.) 

A.  to  W.  (With  solemnity?)  Guten  Morgen,  mein 
Herr,  es  freut  mich  sehr,  Sie  zu  sehen. 

W.  Guten  Morgen,  mein  Fraulein,  es  freut  mich 
sehr  Sie  zu  sehen. 

{Margaret  and  George  repeat  the  same  sentences. 
Then,  after  an  embarrassing  silence,  Margaret  refers  to 
her  book  and  says)  : 

M.  Bitte,  meine  Herrn,  setzen  Sie  sich. 

THE  GENTLEMEN.  Danke  schon.  (The  four  seat 
themselves  in  couples,  the  width  of  the  stage  apart,  and 
the  two  conversations  begin.  The  talk  is  not  flowing — 
at  any  rate  at  first ;  there  are  painful  silences  all  along. 
Each  couple  worry  out  a  remark  and  a  reply  :  there  is  a 
pause  of  silent  thinking,  and  then  the  other  couple  deliver 
themselves.') 

W.  Haben  Sie  meinen  Vater  in  dem  Laden  meines 
Bruders  nicht  gesehen? 

A.  Nein,  mein  Herr,  ich  habe  Ihren  Herrn  Vater  in 
dem  Laden  Ihres  Herrn  Bruders  nicht  gesehen. 

GEO.  Waren  Sie  gestern  Abend  im  Koncert,  oder 
im  Theater? 

M.  Nein,  ich  war  gestern  Abend  nicht  im  Koncert, 
noch  im  Theater,  ich  \var  gestern  Abend  zu  Hause 

(General  break-down  —  long  pause,  j 

W.  Ich  store  doch  nicht  etwa? 


Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts  323 

A.  Sie  storen  mich  durchaus  nicht. 

GEO.  Bitte,  lassen  Sie  sich  nicht  von  mit  storen. 

M.  Aber  ich  bitte  Sie,  Sie  storen  mich  durchaus  nicht. 

W.  (To  both  girls?)  Wenn  wir  Sie  storen  so  gehen 
wir  gleich  wieder. 

A.   O,  nein  !     Gewiss,  nein ! 

M.  Im  Gegentheil,  es  freut  uns  sehr,  Sie  zu  sehen  — 
alle  beide. 

W.  Schon! 

GEO.  Gott  sei  dank ! 

M.  (Aside.')     It's  just  lovely! 

A.  (Aside?)     It's  like  a  poem. 

(Pause.) 

W.  Umsteigen ! 

M.  Um  —  welches? 

W.  Umsteigen. 

GEO,     Auf  English,  change  cars  —  oder  subject. 

BOTH  GIRLS.  Wie  schon! 

W.  Wir  haben  uns  die  Freiheit  genommen,  bei  Ihnen 
vorzusprechen. 

A.   Sie  sind  sehr  giitig. 

GEO.  Wir  wollten  uns  erkundigen,  wie  Sie  sich 
befanden. 

M.  Ich  bin  Ihnen  sehr  verbunden  —  meine  Schwester 
auch. 

W,   Meine  Frau  lasst  sich  Ihnen  bestens  empfehlen. 

A.   Ihre  Frau  f 

W.  {Examining  his  book?)  Vielleicht  habe  ich  mich 
geirrt.  (Shows  the  place?)  Nein,  gerade  so  sagt  das 
Buch. 

A.   {Satisfied?)     Ganz  recht.     Aber  — 

W.  Bitte  empfehlen  Sie  mich  Ihrem  Herrn  Brtider. 

A.  Ah,  das  ist  viel  besser  —  viel  besser.  {Aside?) 
Wenigstens  es  ware  viel  besser  wenn  ich  einen  Brudei 
hatte. 


324  Meisterschaf t :  In  Three  Acts 

GEO.  Wie  ist  es  Ihnen  gegangen,  seitdem  ich  daa 
Vergnugen  hatte,  Sie  anderswo  zu  sehen? 

M.  Danke  bestens,  ich  befinde  mich  gewohnlich 
ziemlich  wohl. 

(Gretchen  slips  in  with  a  gun,  and  listens.) 

GEO.  (.Still  to  Margaret.)  Befindet  sich  Ihre  Frau 
Gemahlin  wohl? 

GR.  (Raising  hands  and  eyes.)  Frau  Gemahlin  — 
heiliger  Gott!  (Is  like  to  betray  herself  with  her 
smothered  laughter^  and  glides  out.) 

M.  Danke  sehr,  meine  Frau  ist  ganz  wohl. 

(Pause.) 

W.  Diirfen  wir  vielleicht —  umsteigen? 

THE  OTHERS.  Gut! 

GEO.  (Aside.)  I  feel  better  now.  I'm  beginning 
to  catch  on.  (Aloud.)  Ich  mochte  gern  morgen  friih 
einige  Einkaufe  machen  und  wiirde  Ihnen  sehr  ver- 
bunden  sein,  wenn  Sie  mir  den  Gefallen  thaten,  mir  die 
Namen  der  besten  hiesigen  Firmen  aufzuschreiben. 

M.   (Aside.)     How  sweet! 

W.  (Aside)  Hang  it,  /  was  going  to  say  that! 
That's  one  of  the  noblest  things  in  the  book. 

A.  Ich  mochte  Ihnen  gern  begleiten,  aber  es  ist  mir 
wirklich  heute  Morgen  ganz  unmoglich  auszugehen. 
(Aside)  It's  getting  as  easy  as  9  times  7  is  46. 

M.  Sagen  Sie  dem  Brief  tager,  wenn's  gefallig  ist, 
er  mochte  Ihnen  den  eingeschriebenen  Brief  geben 
lassen. 

W.  Ich  wiirde  Ihnen  sehr  verbunden  sein,  wenn  Sie 
diese  Schachtel  fiir  mich  nach  der  Post  tragen  wiirden, 
da  mir  sehr  daran  liegt  einen  meiner  Geschaftsfreunde 
in  dem  Laden  des  deutschen  Kaufmanns  heute  Abend 
treffen  zu  konnen.  (Aside.)  All  down  but  nine;  set 
'm  up  on  the  other  alley 


Meisterschaft :  \n  Three  Acts  325 

A.  Aber  Herr  Jackson !  Sie  haben  die  Satze  ge- 
mischt.  Es  ist  unbegreiflich  wie  Sie  das  haben  thun 
konnen.  Zwischen  Ihrem  ersten  Theil  und  Ihrem 
letzten  Theil  haben  Sie  ganze  fiinfzig  Seiten  iiberge- 
schlagen !  Jetzt  bin  ich  ganz  verloren.  Wie  kann 
man  reden,  wenn  man  seinen  Platz  durchaus  nicht 
wieder  fmden  kann? 

W.  Oh,  bitte,  verzeihen  Sie;  ich  habe  das  wirklich 
nicht  beabsichtigt. 

A.  (Mollified.)  Sehr  wohl,  lassen  Sie  gut  sein. 
Aber  thun  Sie  es  nicht  wieder.  Sie  miissen  ja  doch 
einraumen,  dass  solche  Dinge  unertragliche  Verwirrung 
mit  sich  fiihren. 

(Gretchen  slips  in  again  with  her  gun.) 

W.  Unzweifelhaft  haben  Sie  Recht,  meine  holdselige 
Landsmannin Umsteigen ! 

(As  George  gets  fairly  into  the  following,  Gretchen  draws  a  bead  on  him, 
and  lets  drive  at  the  close,  but  the  gun  snaps. ) 

GEO.  Glauben  Sie  das  ich  ein  hiibsches  Wohnzimmer 
fur  mich  selbst  und  ein  kleines  Schlafzimmer  fur  meinen 
Sohn  in  diesem  Hotel  fur  fiinfzehn  Mark  die  Woche 
bekommen  kann,  oder  wlirden  Sie  mir  rathen,  in  einer 
Privatwohnung  Logis  zu  nehmen?  (Aside.)  That's  a 
daisy ! 

GR.  (Aside.)  Schade  !  (She  draws  her  charge  and 
reloads!) 

M.  Glauben  Sie  nicht  Sie  werden  besser  thun  bei 
diesem  Wetter  zu  Hause  zu  bleiben? 

A.  Freilich  glaube  ich,  Herr  Franklin,  Sie  werden 
sich  erkalten,  wenn  Sie  bei  diesem  unbestandigen 
Wetter  ohne  Ueberrock  ausgehen. 

GR.  (Relieved — aside!}  So?  Man  redet  von  Aus- 
gehen. Das  klingt  schon  besser.  (Sits) 

W.  (To  A.)  Wie  theuer  haben  Sie  das  gekauft? 
(Indicating  a  part  of  her  dress) 


326  Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts 

A.  Das  hat  achtzehn  Mark  gekostet. 

W.  Das  ist  sehr  theuer. 

GEO.  Ja,  obgleich  dieser  Stoff  wunderschon  ist  und 
das  Muster  sehr  geschmackvoll  und  auch  das  Vorziig- 
lichste  dass  es  in  dieser  Art  gibt,  so  ist  es  doch  furcht- 
bar  theuer  fur  einen  solchen  Artikel. 

M.  (Aside.)  How  sweet  is  this  communion  of  sou) 
with  soul ! 

A.  Im  Gegentheil,  mein  Herr,  das  ist  sehr  billig. 
Sehen  Sie  sich  nur  die  Oualitat  an. 

(They  all  examine  it.) 

GEO.  Moglicherweise  ist  es  das  allerneuste  das  man 
in  diesem  Stoff  hat;  aber  das  Muster  gefallt  mir  nicht. 

(Pause.) 

W.  Umsteigen ! 

A.  Welchen  Hund  haben  Sie?  Haben  Sie  den 
hubschen  Hund  des  Kaufmanns,  oder  den  hasslichen 
Hund  der  Urgrossmutter  des  Lehrlings  des  bogen- 
beinigen  Zimmermanns? 

W.  (Aside.)  Oh,  come,  she's  ringing  in  a  cold  deck 
on  us:  that's  Ollendorff. 

GEO.  Ich  habe  nicht  den  Hund  des  —  des  — 
(Aside.)  Stuck!  That's  no  Meisterschaft;  they  don't 
play  fair.  (Aloud.)  Ich  habe  nicht  den  Hund  des  — 
des  —  In  unserem  Buche  leider,  gibt  es  keinen  Hund ; 
daher,  ob  ich  auch  gern  von  solchen  Thieren  sprechen 
mochte,  ist  es  mir  doch  unmoglich,  weil  ich  nicht 
vorbereitet  bin.  Entschuldigen  Sie,  meine  Damen. 

GR.  (Aside.)  Beim  Teufel,  sie  sind  alle  blodsinnig 
geworden.  In  meinem  Leben  habe  ich  nie  ein  so 
narrisches,  verfluchtes,  verdammtes  Gesprach  gehort. 

W.  Bitte,  umsteigen. 

(Run  the  following  rapidly  through.) 

M.   (Aside)      Oh,    I've    flushed     an     easy    batch! 


Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts  327 

(Aloud.)  Wiirden  Sie  mir  erlauben  meine  Reisetasche 
hier  hinzustellen? 

GR.  (Aside.)  Wo  ist  seine  Reisetasche?  Ich  sehe 
keine. 

W.  Bitte  sehr. 

GEO.  Ist  meine  Reisetasche  Ihnen  im  Wege? 

GR.   (Aside.)     Und  wo  ist  seine  Reisetasche? 

A.  Erlauben  Sie  mir  Sie  von  meiner  Reisetasche  zu 
befreien. 

GR.   (Aside)     Du  Esel ! 

W.  Ganz  und  gar  nicht.  (To  Geo.)  Es  ist  sehr 
schwiil  in  diesem  Coupe. 

GR.   (Aside.)     Coupe. 

Geo.  Sie  haben  Recht.  Erlauben  Sie  mir,  gefalligst, 
das  Fenster  zu  offnen.  Ein  wenig  Luft  wiirde  uns  got 
thun. 

M.  Wir  fahren  sehr  rasch. 

A.  Haben  Sie  den  Namen  jener  Station  gehort? 

W.  Wie  lange  halten  wir  auf  dieser  Station  an? 

GEO.  Ich  reise  nach  Dresden,  Schaffner.  Wo  muss 
ich  umsteigen? 

A.   Sie  steigen  nicht  um,  Sie  bleiben  sitzen. 

GR.  (Aside.)  Sie  sind  ja  alle  ganz  und  gar  verriickt ! 
Man  denke  sich  sie  glauben  dass  sie  auf  der  Eisenbahn 
reisen. 

GEO.  (Asidet  to  William.)  Now  brace  up;  pull  all 
your  confidence  together,  my  boy,  and  we'll  try  that 
lovely  good-bye  business  a  flutter.  I  think  it's  about 
the  gaudiest  thing  in  the  book,  if  you  boom  it  right 
along  and  don't  get  left  on  a  base.  It'll  impress  the 
girls.  (Alotid)  Lassen  Sie  uns  gehen:  es  ist  schon 
sehr  spat,  und  ich  muss  morgen  ganz  friih  aufstehen. 

GR.  (Aside — grateftil)  Gott  sei  Dank  dass  sie  end- 
lich  gehen.  (Sets  her  gun  aside) 

W.  (To  Geo)  Ich  danke  Ihnen  hoflichst  fur  die  Ehre 
die  sie  mir  erweisen,  aber  ich  kann  nicht  la'nger  bleiben. 


528  Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts 

GEO.  (To  W.)  Entschuldigen  Sie  mich  giitigst,  aber 
ich  kann  wirklich  nicht  langer  bleiben. 

(Gretchen  looks  on  stupefied.) 

W.  (To  Geo.)  Ich  habe  schon  eine  Einladung  ange- 
nommen ;  ich  kann  wirklich  nicht  langer  bleiben. 

(Gretchen  fingers  her  gun  again.) 

GEO.   (To  W.)     Ich  muss  gehen. 

W.  (To  Geo.)  Wie  !  Sie  wollen  schon  wieder  gehen? 
Sie  sind  ja  eben  erst  gekommen. 

M.  (Aside.)     It's  just  music  ! 

A.   (Aside.)     Oh,  how  lovely  they  do  it! 

GEO.  (To  W.)  Also  denken  sie  doch  noch  nicht 
an's  Gehen. 

W.  (To  Geo.)  Es  thut  mir  unendlich  leid,  aber  ich 
muss  nach  Hause.  Meine  Frau  wird  sich  wundern, 
was  aus  mir  geworden  ist. 

GEO.  (To  W.)  Meine  Frau  hat  keine  Ahnung  wO 
ich  bin :  ich  muss  wirklich  jetzt  fort. 

W.  (To  Geo)  Dann  will  ich  Sie  nicht  langer  auf- 
halten ;  ich  bedaure  sehr  dass  Sie  uns  einen  so  kurzen 
Besuch  gemacht  haben. 

GEO.  (To  W.)  Adieu  —  auf  recht  baldiges  Wieder- 
sehen. 

W.  UMSTEIGEN! 

(Great  hand-clapping  from  the  girls.) 

M.   (Aside.)     Oh,  how  perfect !  how  elegant! 

A.   (Aside.)     Per-fectly  enchanting! 

JOYOUS  CHORUS.  (All.)  Ich  habe  gehabt,  du  hast 
gehabt,  er  hat  gehabt,  wir  haben  gehabt,  ihr  habet 
gehabt,  sie  haben  gehabt. 

(Gretchen  faints,  and  tumbles  from  her  chair,  and  the  gun  goes  off  with 
a  crash.  Each  girl,  frightened,  seizes  the  protecting  hand  of  her  sweet- 
heart. Gretchen  scrambles  up.  Tableau.) 


Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts  329 

W.  (Takes  out  some  money  —  beckons  Gretchen  to 
him.  George  adds  money  to  the  pile.)  Hubsches  Mad- 
chen  (giving  her  some  of  the  coins),  hast  Du  etwas  ge- 
sehen? 

GR.  (Courtesy  —  aside.)  Der  Engel !  (Aloud —  im- 
pressively.) Ich  habe  nichts  gesehen. 

W.    (More  money.)     Hast  Du  etwas  gehdrt? 

GR.   Ich  habe  nichts  gehort. 

W.   (More  money.)     Und  Morgen? 

GR.  Morgen  —  ware  es  nothig  —  bin  ich  taub  und 
blind. 

W.  Unvergleichbares  Madchen !  Und  (giving  the 
rest  of  the  money)  darnach? 

GR.  (Deep  courtesy — aside.)  Erzengel !  (Alottd.) 
Darnach,  mein  gnadgister,  betrachten  Sie  mich  also 
taub  —  blind —  todt ! 

ALL.  (In  chorus  —  with  reverent  joy,)  Ich  habe 
gehabt,  du  hast  gehabt,  er  hat  gehabt,  wir  haben 
gehabt,  ihr  habet  gehabt,  sie  haben  gehabt ! 


ACT  III. 

Three  weeks  later. 
SCENE  I. 

(Enter  Gretchen,  and  puts  her  shawl  on  a  chair.  Brushing  around  with 
the  traditional  feather  duster  of  the  drama.  Smartly  dressed,  for  she  is 
prosperous. ) 

GR.  Wie  hatte  man  sich  das  vorstellen  konnen !  In 
nur  drei  Wochen  bin  ich  schon  reich  geworden ! 
(  Gets  out  of  her  pocket  handful  after  handful  of  silver^ 
which  she  piles  on  the  table,  and  proceeds  to  repile  and 
county  occasionally  ringing  or  biting  a  piece  to  try  its 
quality.)  Qh,  dass  (with  a  sigh)  die  Frau  Wirthin  nuf 


330  Meisterschaft  :  In  Three  Acts 


bliebe  !  ......  Diese  edlen  jungen  Manner 

—  sie  sind  ja  so  liebenswiirdig  !     Und  so  fleissig  !  — 
und   so  treu  !     Jeden  Morgen  kommen  sie  gerade  urn 
drei  Viertel  auf  neun;   und   plaudern  und   schwatzen, 
und  plappern,  und  schnattern,  die  jungen  Damen  auch  ; 
um  Schlage  zwolf  nehmen  sie  Abschied;   um  Schlage 
eins    kommen  ^ie    schon    wieder,    und    plaudern    und 
schwatzen   und   plappern  und   schnattern;   gerade  um 
sechs  Uhr  nehmen   sie  wiederum  Abschied  ;   um  halb 
acht  kehren  sie   noche'mal  zuriick,  und  plaudern  und 
schwatzen  und  plappern  und  schnattern  bis  zehn  Uhr, 
oder  vielleicht  ein  Viertel  nach,  falls  ihre  Uhren  nach 
gehen  (und  stets  gehen  sie  nach  am  Ende  des  Besuchs, 
aber  stets  vor  Beginn  desselben),  und  zuweilen  unter- 
halten  sich  die  jungen  Leute  beim  Spazierengehen  ;   und 
jeden  Sonntag  gehen   sie  dreimal  in  die  Kirche  ;    und 
immer    plaudern    sie,    und    schwatzen    und    plappern 
und   schnattern  bis   ihnen  die  Zahne  aus  dem  Muiide 
fallen.     Und  ich  ?     Durch  Mangel  an  Uebung,  ist  mir 
die  Zunge  mit  Moos  belegt  worden  !     Freilich  ist's  mir 
eine  dumme  Zeit  gewesen.     Aber  —  um  Gotteswillen, 
was  geht  das  mir  an  ?     Was  soil  ich  daraus  machen  ? 
Taglich    sagt  die  Frau  Wirthin  *  '  Gretchen  '  '    (dumb- 
show  of  paying  a  piece  of  \money  into  her  hand),  "  du 
bist  eine  der  besten   Sprach-Lehrerinnen  der  Welt!" 
Ach,    Gott!     Und    taglich    sagen    die    edlen    jungen 
Manner,  "Gretchen,  liebes  Kind  "  (money-paying  again 
in  dumb-show  —  three  coins),  "  bleib'  taub  —  blind  — 
todt!"   und  so  bleibe  ich  ......  Jetzt  wird  es  ungefahr 

neun  Uhr  sein;  bald  kommen  sie  vom  Spaziergehen 
zuriick.  Also,  es  ware  gut  dass  ich  meinem  eigenen 
Schatz  einen  Besuch  abstatte  und  spazieren  gehe. 
(JJons  her  shawl) 

(Exit.    L.) 
(Enter  Wirthin.     R.) 

WIRTHIN.  That  was  Mr.   Stephensou's  train  that 


Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts  331 

just  came  in.  Evidently  the  girls  are  out  walking  with 
Gretchen;  — can't  find  them,  and  she  doesn't  seem  to 
be  around.  {A  ring  at  the  door.}  That's  him.  I'll 
go  see. 

(Exit.     R.) 

(Enter  Stephenson  and  Wirthin.     R.) 

S.  Well,  how  does  sickness  seem  to  agree  with  you? 

WIRTHIN.  So  well  that  I've  never  been  out  of  my 
room  since,  till  I  heard  your  train  come  in. 

S.  Thou  miracle  of  fidelity!  Now  I  argue  from 
that,  that  the  new  plan  is  working. 

WIRTHIN.  Working?  Mr.  Stephenson,  you  never 
saw  anything  like  it  in  the  whole  course  of  your  life ! 
It's  absolutely  wonderful  the  way  it  works. 

S.   Succeeds?     No  —  you  don't  mean  it. 

WlRTHIN.  Indeed,  I  do  mean  it.  I  tell  you,  Mr. 
Stephenson,  that  plan  was  just  an  inspiration  —  that's 
what  it  was.  You  could  teach  a  cat  German  by  it. 

S.  Dear  me,  this  is  noble  news  !    Tell  me  about  it. 

WlRTHIN.  Well,  it's  all  Gretchen  —  ev-ery  bit  of  it. 
I  told  you  she  was  a  jewel.  And  then  the  sagacity  of 
that  child  —  why,  I  never  dreamed  it  was  in  her.  Sh- 
she,  '*  Never  you  ask  the  young  ladies  a  question  — 
never  let  on  —  just  keep  mum  —  leave  the  whole  thing 
to  me,"  sh-she. 

S.  Good!     And  she  justified,  did  she? 

WlRTHIN.  Well,  sir,  the  amount  of  German  gabble 
that  that  child  crammed  into  those  two  girls  inside  the 
next  forty-eight  hours  —  well,  /was  satisfied  !  So  I've 
never  asked  a  question  —  never  wanted  to  ask  any. 
I've  just  lain  curled  up  there,  happy.  The  little  dears ! 
they've  flitted  in  to  see  me  a  moment,  every  morning 
and  noon  and  supper- time;  and  as  sure  as  I'm  sitting 
here,  inside  of  six  days  they  were  clattering  German  to 
me  like  a  house  afire ! 

S.  Sp-lendid,  splendid  ! 


332  Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts 

WlRTHIN.  Of  course  it  ain't  grammatical- — the  in- 
ventor of  the  language  can't  talk  grammatical;  if  the 
dative  didn't  fetch  him  the  accusative  would ;  but  it's 
German  all  the  same,  and  don't  you  forget  it! 

S.   Go  on  —  go  on  —  this  is  delicious  news  — 

WlRTHIN.  Gretchen,  she  says  to  me  at  the  start, 
11  Never  you  mind  about  company  for  'em,"  sh-she  — 
"  I'm  company  enough."  And  I  says,  "  All  right 
— fix  it  your  own  way,  child;"  and  that  she  was 
right  is  shown  by  the  fact  that  to  this  day  they  don't 
care  a  straw  for  any  company  but  hers. 

S.  Dear  me;  why,  it's  admirable! 

WlRTHIN.  Well,  I  should  think  so  !  They  just  dote 
on  that  hussy  —  can't  seem  to  get  enough  of  her. 
Gretchen  tells  me  so  herself.  And  the  care  she  takes 
of  them !  She  tells  me  that  every  time  there's  a  moon- 
light night  she  coaxes  them  out  for  a  walk ;  and  if  a 
body  can  believe  her,  she  actually  bullies  them  off  to 
church  three  times  every  Sunday  ! 

S.  Why,  the  little  dev  —  missionary!  Really,  she's 
a  genius ! 

WIRTHIN.  She's  a  bud,  /tell  you!  Dear  me,  how 
she's  brought  those  girls'  health  up  !  Cheeks?  —  just 
roses.  Gait? — they  walk  on  watch-springs!  And 
happy?  —  by  the  bliss  in  their  eyes,  you'd  think 
they're  in  Paradise!  Ah,  that  Gretchen!  Just  you 
imagine  our  trying  to  achieve  these  marvels  ! 

S.  You're  right  —  every  time.  Those  girls  —  why, 
all  they'd  have  wanted  to  know  was  what  we  wanted 
done,  and  then  they  wouldn't  have  done  it  —  the  mis- 
chievous young  rascals ! 

WIRTHIN.  Don't  tell  me  ?  Bless  you,  I  found  that 
out  early  —  when  /  was  bossing. 

S.  Well,  I'm  im-mensely  pleased.  Now  fetch  them 
down.  I'm  not  afraid  now.  They  won't  want  to  go 
home. 


Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts  333 

WlRTHlN.  Home !  I  don't  believe  you  could  drag 
them  away  from  Gretchen  with  nine  span  of  horses. 
But  if  you  want  to  see  them,  put  on  your  hat  and 
come  along;  they're  out  somewhere  trapesing  along 
with  Gretchen.  (Going.) 

S.  I'm  with  you  —  lead  on. 

WIRTHIN.  We'll  go  out  the  side  door.  It's  towards 
the  Anlage. 

(Exit  both.     L.) 

(Enter  George  and  Margaret,  R.  Her  head  lies  upon  his  shoulder,  his 
arm  is  about  her  waist;  they  are  steeped  in  sentiment.) 

M.   (Turning"  a  fond  face  up  at  him.)     Du  Engel ! 

GEO.  Liebste!      (Kiss.) 

M.  Oh,  das  Liedchen  dass  Du  mir  gewidmet  hast  — 
es  ist  so  schon,  so  wunderschon.  Wie  hatte  ich  je 
geahnt  dass  Du  ein  Poet  warest ! 

GEO.  Mein  Schatzchen !  —  es  ist  mir  lieb  wenn  Dir 
die  Kleinigkeit  gefallt. 

M.  Ah,  es  ist  mit  der  zartlichsten  Musik  gefiillt — 
klingt  ja  so  suss  und  selig  —  wie  das  Flustern  des 
Sommerwindes  die  Abenddammerung  hindurch.  Wie- 
der  —  Thetierste  !  —  sag'  es  wieder. 

GEO.  Du  bist  wie  eine  Blume !  — 

So  schon  und  hold  und  rein  — 
Ich  schau  Dich  an,  und  Wehmuth 

Schleicht  mir  ins  Herz  hinein. 
Mir  ist  als  ob  ich  die  Hande 

Aufs  Haupt  Dir  legen  sollt, 
Betend,  dass  Gott  Dich  erhalte, 

So  rein  und  schon  und  hold. 

M.  A-ch!  (Dumb-show  sentimentalisms.)  Georgie  — 

GEO.  Kindchen! 

M.  Warum  kommen  sie  nicht? 

GEO.  Das  weiss  ich  gar  nicht.     Sie  waren  — 

M.  Es  wird  spat.  Wir  miissen  sie  antreiben.    KommJ 

22A 


334  Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts 

GEO.  Ich  glaube  sie  werden  recht  bald  ankommen, 
aber  — 

(Exit  both.  ^  L.) 

(Enter  Gretchen,  R.,  in  a  state  of  mind.  Slumps  into  a  chair  limp 
with  despair.) 

GR.  Ach  !  was  wird  jetzt  aus  mir  werden  !  Zufallig 
habe  ich  in  der  Feme  den  verdammten  Papa  gesehen ! 
—  und  die  Frau  Wirthin  auch !  Oh,  diese  Erschei- 
nung  — die  hat  mir  beinahe  das  Leben  genommen. 
Sie  suchen  die  jungen  Damen  —  das  weiss  ich  wenn  sie 
diese  und  die  jungen  Herren  zusammen  fanden  —  du 
heiliger  Gott!  Wenn  das  gescheiht,  waren  wir  Alle 
ganz  und  gar  verloren !  Ich  muss  sie  gleich  finden, 
und  ihr  eine  Warnung  geben ! 

(Exit.    L.) 

(Enter  Annie  and  Will,  R.,  posed  like  the  former  couple  and  senti- 
mental.) 

A.  Ich  liebe  sich  schon  so  sehr  —  Deiner  edlen 
Natur  wegen.  Dass  du  dazu  auch  ein  Dichter  bist!  — 
ach,  mein  Leben  ist  iibermassig  reich  geworden !  Wer 
hatte  sich  doch  einbilden  konnen  dass  ich  einen  Mann 
zu  einem  so  wunderschonen  Gedicht  hatte  begeistern 
konnen? 

W.  Liebste  !     Es  ist  nur  eine  Kleinigkeit. 

A.  Nein,  nein,  es  ist  ein  echtes  Wunder!  Sage  es 
noch  einmal  —  ich  flehe  Dich  an. 

W.  Du  bist  wie  eine  Blume !  — 

So  schon  und  hold  und  rein  — 
Ich  schau'  Dich  an,  und  Wehmuth 

Schleicht  mir  ins  Herz  hinein. 
Mir  ist  als  ob  ich  die  Hande 

Aufs  Haupt  Dir  legen  sollt', 
Betend,  dass  Gott  Dich  erhalte. 

So  rein  und  schon  und  hold. 


Meisterschatt :  In  Three  Acts  335 

A.  Ach,  es  ist  himmlisch  —  einfach  himmlisch. 
[Kiss.)  Schreibt  auch  George  Gedichte? 

W.  Oh,  ja  —  zuweilen. 

A.  Wie  schon ! 

W.  {Aside.)  Smouches  'em,  same  as  I  do!  It  was 
a  noble  good  idea  to  play  that  little  thing  on  her, 
George  wouldn't  ever  think  of  that- — somehow  he 
never  had  any  invention. 

A.  (Arranging chairs.)  Jetzt  will  ich  bei  Dir  sitzen 
bleiben,  und  Du  — 

W.   (  They  sit. )     Ja  —  und  ich  — 

A.  Du  wirst  mir  die  alte  Geschichte,  die  immer  neu 
bleibt,  noch  wieder  erzahlen. 

W.  Zum  Beispiel,  dass  ich  Dich  Hebe  I 

A.  Wieder! 

W.  Ich  —  sie  kommen ! 

(Enter  George  and  Margaret./ 

A.  Das  macht  nichts.     Fortan ! 

(George  unties  M.'s  bonnet.  She  reties  his  cravat  —  interspersings  ol 
love-pats,  etc.,  and  dumb-show  of  love-quarrellings.) 

W.  Ich  lieb  Dich. 

A.  Ach !     Noch  einmal  I 

W.   Ich  habe  Dich  vom  Herzen  lieb. 

A.  Ach!     Abermals! 

W.  Bist  Du  denn  noch  nicht  satt? 

A.  Nein.  (The  other  couple  sit  down,  and  Margaret 
begins  a  retying  of  the  cravat.  Enter  the  Vvirthin  and 
Stephenson,  he  imposing  silence  with  a  sign.)  Mich 
hungert  sehr,  ich  wrhungre  ! 

W.  Oh,  Du  armes  Kind !  (Lays  her  head  on  his 
shoulder.  Dumb-show  between  StepJienson  and  Wirthin) 
Und  hungert  es  nicht  mich?  Du  hast  mir  nicht  einmal 
gesagt  — 

A.  Dass    ich   Dich  Hebe?     Mein   Eigener!     (Frau 


336  Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts 

Wirthin  threatens  to  faint —  is  supported  by  Stephenson.} 
Hore  mich  nur  an:   Ich  liebe  Dich,  ich  Hebe  Dich  — 

(Enter  Gretchen.) 

GR.  ( Tears  her  hair.)  Oh,  dass  ich  in  der  Holle 
ware ! 

M.  Ich  liebe  Dich,  ich  liebe  Dich!  Ah,  ich  bin  so 
gliicklich  dass  ich  nicht  schlafen  kann,  nicht  lesen 
kann,  nicht  reden  kann,  nicht  — 

A.  Und  ich !  Ich  bin  auch  so  gliicklich  dass  ich 
nicht  speisen  kann,  nicht  studieren,  arbeiten,  denk«n, 
schreiben  — 

S.  {To  Wirthin  —  aside.)  Oh,  there  isn't  any  n*is- 
take  about  it —  Gretchen's  just  a  rattling  teacher! 

WIRTHIN  (To  Stephenson — aside.)  I'll  skin  fcer 
alive  when  I  get  my  hands  on  her ! 

M.  Komm,    alle   Verliebte !      {They  jump  up, 
hands,  and  sing  in  chorus) : 

Du,  Du,  wie  ich  Dich  liebe, 
Du,  Du,  liebst  auch  mich ! 
Die,  die  zartlichsten  Tr iebe  — 

S.   {Stepping forward.)     Well! 

(The  girls  throw  themselves  upon  his  neck  with  enthusiasm.) 

THE  GIRLS.     Why,  father ! 
S.  My  darlings ! 

(The  young  men  hesitate  a  moment,  then  they  add  their 
flinging  themselves  on  Stephenson's  neck,  along  with  the  girls.) 

THE  YOUNG  MEN.    Why,  father ! 

S.  {Struggling.)  Oh,  come,  this  is  too  thin!  — 
too  quick,  I  mean.  Let  go,  you  rascals! 

GEO.  We'll  never  let  go  till  you  put  us  on  the 
family  list. 

M.  Right!  hold  to  him! 

A.  Cling  to  him,  Will ! 


Meisterschaft :  In  Three  Acts  337 

(Gretchen  rushes  in  and  joins  the  general  embrace,  but  is  snatched 
away  by  the  Wirthin,  crushed  up  against  the  wall,  and  threatened  with 
destruction.) 

S.  {Suffocating.}  All  right,  all  right  —  have  it  your 
own  way,  you  quartette  of  swindlers ! 

W.   He's  a  darling!     Three  cheers  for  papa  ! 

EVERYBODY.  {Except  Stephenson,  who  bows  with 
hand  on  heart.}  Hip  —  hip  —  hip:  hurrah,  hurrah, 
hurrah ! 

GR.  Der  Tiger  —  ah-h-h  ! 

WIRTHIN.  Sei  ruhig,  you  hussy! 

S.  Well,  I've  lost  a  couple  of  precious  daughters, 
but  I've  gained  a  couple  of  precious  scamps  to  fill  up 
the  gap  with;  so  it's  all  right.  I'm  satisfied,  and 
everybody's  forgiven  —  (  With  mock  threats  at  Gret- 
chen!) 

W.  Oh,  wir  werden  fiir  Dich  sorgen  —  du  herrliches 
Gretchen ! 

GR.  Danke  schon ! 

M.  (To  Wirthin.)  Und  fiir  Sie  auch;  denn  wenn 
Sie  nicht  so  freundlich  gewesen  waren,  krank  zu  wer- 
den, wie  waren  wir  je  so  gliicklich  geworden  wie  jetzt? 

WIRTHIN.  Well,  dear,  I  was  kind,  but  I  didn't  mean 
it.  But  I  ain't  sorry  —  not  one  bit  —  that  I  ain't. 

(Tableau.) 

S.  Come,  now,  the  situation  is  full  of  hope,  and 
grace,  and  tender  sentiment.  If  I  had  in  the  least  the 
poetic  gift,  I  know  I  could  improvise  under  such  an 
inspiration  (each  girl  nudges  her  sweetheart)  something 
worthy  to  —  to  —  Is  there  no  poet  among  us  ? 

(Each  youth  turns  solemnly  his  back  upon  the  other,  and  raises  hii 
hands  in  benediction  over  his  sweetheart's  bowed  head.) 

BOTH  YOUTHS  AT  ONCE  : 

Mir  ist  als  ob  ich  die  Hande 
Aus  Haupt  Dir  legen  sollt  — 


538  Meisterschaft:  In  Three  Acts 

(They  turn  and  look  reproachfully  at  each  other  — the  girls  contemplate 
them  with  injured  surprise.) 

S.   (Reflectively)     I    think   I've   heard    that   before 
somewhere. 

WlRTHlN.  (Aside)     Why,  the  very  cats  in  Germany 
know  it  i 

(Cnrtain.) 


THE  /i,ooo.ooo  BANK-NOTE 

WHEN  I  was  twenty-seven  years  old,  I  was  a  mining- 
broker's  clerk  in  San  Francisco,  and  an  expert  in 
all  the  details  of  stock  traffic.  I  was  alone  in  the  world, 
and  had  nothing  to  depend  upon  but  my  wits  and  a 
clean  reputation ;  but  these  were  setting  my  feet  in  the 
road  to  eventual  fortune,  and  I  was  content  with  the 
prospect. 

My  time  was  my  own  after  the  afternoon  board, 
Saturdays,  and  I  was  accustomed  to  put  it  in  on  a  little 
sail-boat  on  the  bay.  One  day  I  ventured  too  far,  and 
was  carried  out  to  sea.  Just  at  nightfall,  when  hope 
was  about  gone,  I  was  picked  up  by  a  small  brig  which 
was  bound  for  London.  It  was  a  long  and  stormy 
voyage,  and  they  made  me  work  my  passage  without 
pay,  as  a  common  sailor.  When  I  stepped  ashore  in 
London  my  clothes  were  ragged  and  shabby,  and  I 
had  only  a  dollar  in  my  pocket.  This  money  fed  and 
sheltered  me  twenty-four  hours.  During  the  next 
twenty-four  I  went  without  food  and  shelter. 

About  ten  o'clock  on  the  following  morning,  seedy 
and  hungry,  I  was  dragging  myself  along  Portland 
Place,  when  a  child  that  was  passing,  towed  by  a 
nurse-maid,  tossed  a  luscious  big  pear  —  minus  one 
bite  —  into  the  gutter.  I  stopped,  of  course,  and 
fastened  my  desiring  eye  on  that  muddy  treasure.  My 
mouth  watered  for  it,  my  stomach  craved  it,  my  whole 
being  begged  for  it.  But  every  time  I  made  a  move  tc 

(339) 


340  The  ^1,000,000  Bank-Note 

get  it  some  passing  eye  detected  my  purpose,  and  of 
course  I  straightened  up  then,  and  looked  indifferent, 
and  pretended  that  I  hadn't  been  thinking  about  the 
pear  at  all.  This  same  thing  kept  happening  and  hap- 
pening, and  I  couldn't  get  the  pear.  I  was  just  getting 
desperate  enough  to  brave  all  the  shame,  and  to  seize 
it,  when  a  window  behind  me  was  raised,  and  a  gentle- 
man spoke  out  of  it,  saying : 

**  Step  in  here,  please." 

I  was  admitted  by  a  gorgeous  flunkey,  and  shown 
into  a  sumptuous  room  where  a  couple  of  elderly 
gentlemen  were  sitting.  They  sent  away  the  servant, 
and  made  me  sit  down.  They  had  just  finished  their 
breakfast,  and  the  sight  of  the  remains  of  it  almost 
overpowered  me.  I  could  hardly  keep  my  wits  together 
in  the  presence  of  that  food,  but  as  I  was  not  asked  to 
sample  it,  I  had  to  bear  my  trouble  as  best  I  could. 

Now,  something  had  been  happening  there  a  little 
before,  which  I  did  not  know  anything  about  until  a 
good  many  days  afterwards,  but  I  will  tell  you  about  it 
now.  Those  two  old  brothers  had  been  having  a 
pretty  hot  argument  a  couple  of  days  before,  and  had 
ended  by  agreeing  to  decide  it  by  a  bet,  which  is  the 
English  way  of  settling  everything. 

You  will  remember  that  the  Bank  of  England  once 
issued  two  notes  of  a  million  pounds  each,  to  be  used 
for  a  special  purpose  connected  with  some  public 
transaction  with  a  foreign  country.  For  some  reason 
or  other  only  one  of  these  had  been  used  and  canceled ; 
the  other  still  lay  in  the  vaults  of  the  Bank.  Well,  the 
brothers,  chatting  along,  happened  to  get  to  wondering 
what  might  be  the  fate  of  a  perfectly  honest  and  intel- 
ligent stranger  who  should  be  turned  adrift  in  London 
without  a  friend,  and  with  no  money  but  that  million- 
pound  bank-note,  and  no  way  to  account  for  his  being 
in  possession  of  it.  Brother  A  said  he  would  starve  to 


The  ;£!, 000,000  Bank-Note  341 

death ;  Brother  B  said  he  wouldn't.  Brother  A  said 
he  couldn't  offer  it  at  a  bank  or  anywhere  else,  because 
he  would  be  arrested  on  the  spot.  So  they  went  on 
disputing  till  Brother  B  said  he  would  bet  twenty  thou- 
sand pounds  that  the  man  would  live  thirty  days, 
anyway^  on  that  million,  and  keep  out  of  jail,  too. 
Brother  A  took  him  up.  Brother  B  went  down  to  the 
Bank  and  bought  that  note.  Just  like  an  Englishman, 
you  see ;  pluck  to  the  backbone.  Then  he  dictated  a 
letter,  which  one  of  his  clerks  wrote  out  in  a  beautiful 
round  hand,  and  then  the  two  brothers  sat  at  the 
window  a  whole  day  watching  for  the  right  man  to 
give  it  to. 

They  saw  many  honest  faces  go  by  that  were  not 
intelligent  enough ;  many  that  were  intelligent,  but  not 
honest  enough ;  many  that  were  both,  but  the  posses- 
sors were  not  poor  enough,  or,  if  poor  enough,  were 
not  strangers.  There  was  always  a  defect,  until  I  came 
along;  but  they  agreed  that  I  filled  the  bill  all  around; 
so  they  elected  me  unanimously,  and  there  I  was  now 
waiting  to  know  why  I  was  called  in.  They  began  to 
ask  me  questions  about  myself,  and  pretty  soon  they 
had  my  story.  Finally  they  told  me  I  would  answer 
their  purpose.  I  said  I  was  sincerely  glad,  and  asked 
what  it  was.  Then  one  of  them  handed  me  an  en- 
velope, and  said  I  would  find  the  explanation  inside. 
I  was  going  to  open  it,  but  he  said  no ;  take  it  to  my 
lodgings,  and  look  it  over  carefully,  and  not  be  hasty 
or  rash.  I  was  puzzled,  and  wanted  to  discuss  the 
matter  a  little  further,  but  they  didn't;  so  I  took 
my  leave,  feeling  hurt  and  insulted  to  be  made  the 
butt  of  what  was  apparently  some  kind  of  a  practical 
joke,  and  yet  obliged  to  put  up  with  it,  not  being 
in  circumstances  to  resent  affronts  from  rich  and  strong 
folk. 

I  would  have  picked  up  the  pear  now  and  eaten  it 


342  The  ;£l,000,000  Bank-Note 

before  all  the  world,  but  it  was  gone;  so  I  had  lost 
that  by  this  unlucky  business,  and  the  thought  of  it  did 
not  soften  my  feeling  towards  those  men.  As  soon  as 
I  was  out  of  sight  of  that  house  I  opened  my  envelope, 
and  saw  that  it  contained  money!  My  opinion  of 
those  people  changed,  I  can  tell  you !  I  lost  not  a 
moment,  but  shoved  note  and  money  into  my  vest 
pocket,  and  broke  for  the  nearest  cheap  eating  house. 
Well,  howl  did  eat!  When  at  last  I  couldn't  hold 
any  more,  I  took  out  my  money  and  unfolded  it,  took 
one  glimpse  and  nearly  fainted.  Five  millions  of  dol- 
lars !  Why,  it  made  my  head  swim. 

I  must  have  sat  there  stunned  and  blinking  at  the 
note  as  much  as  a  minute  before  I  came  rightly  to 
myself  again.  The  first  thing  I  noticed,  then,  was  the 
landlord.  His  eye  was  on  the  note,  and  he  was  petri- 
fied. He  was  worshiping,  with  all  his  body  and  soul, 
but  he  looked  as  if  he  couldn't  stir  hand  or  foot.  I 
took  my  cue  in  a  moment,  and  did  the  only  rational 
thing  there  was  to  do.  I  reached  the  note  towards 
him,  and  said,  carelessly: 

"  Give  me  the  change,  please." 

Then  he  was  restored  to  his  normal  condition,  and 
made  a  thousand  apologies  for  not  being  able  to  break 
the  bill,  and  I  couldn't  get  him  to  touch  it.  He 
wanted  to  look  at  it,  and  keep  on  looking  at  it ;  he 
couldn't  seem  to  get  enough  of  it  to  quench  the  thirst 
of  his  eye,  but  he  shrank  from  touching  it  as  if  it  had 
been  something  too  sacred  for  poor  common  clay  to 
handle.  I  said: 

"  I  am  sorry  if  it  is  an  inconvenience,  but  I  must 
insist.  Please  change  it;  I  haven't  anything  else." 

But  he  said  that  wasn't  any  matter;  he  was  quite 
willing  to  let  the  trifle  stand  over  till  another  time.  I 
said  I  might  not  be  in  his  neighborhood  again  for  a 
good  while ;  but  he  said  it  was  of  no  consequence,  he 


"CHANGE,    PLEASE 


The  ,£1,000,000  Bank-Note  343 

could  wait,  and,  moreover,  I  could  have  anything  I 
wanted,  any  time  I  chose,  and  let  the  account  run  as 
long  as  I  pleased.  He  said  he  hoped  he  wasn't  afraid 
to  trust  as  rich  a  gentleman  as  I  was,  merely  because  I 
was  of  a  merry  disposition,  and  chose  to  play  larks  on 
the  public  in  the  matter  of  dress.  By  this  time  another 
customer  was  entering,  and  the  landlord  hinted  to  me 
to  put  the  monster  out  of  sight;  then  he  bowed  me 
all  the  way  to  the  door,  and  I  started  straight  for  that 
house  and  those  brothers,  to  correct  the  mistake  which 
had  been  made  before  the  police  should  hunt  me  up, 
and  help  me  do  it.  I  was  pretty  nervous;  in  fact, 
pretty  badly  frightened,  though,  of  course,  I  was  no 
way  in  fault ;  but  I  knew  men  well  enough  to  know 
that  when  they  find  they've  given  a  tramp  a  million- 
pound  bill  when  they  thought  it  was  a  one-pounder, 
they  are  in  a  frantic  rage  against  him  instead  of 
quarreling  with  their  own  near-sightedness,  as  they 
ought.  As  I  approached  the  house  my  excitement 
began  to  abate,  for  all  was  quiet  there,  which  made 
me  feel  pretty  sure  the  blunder  was  not  discovered  yet. 
I  rang.  The  same  servant  appeared.  I  asked  for 
those  gentlemen. 

"  They  are  gone."     This  in  the  lofty,  cold  way  of 
that  fellow's  tribe. 

14  Gone?     Gone  where?" 

"  On  a  journey." 

"  But  whereabouts?" 

44  To  the  Continent,  I  think." 

44  The  Continent?" 

44  Yes,  sir." 

44  Which  way  —  by  what  route?" 

44  I  can't  say,  sir." 
4  When  will  they  be  back?" 

14  In  a  month,  they  said." 

44  A  month  !     Oh,  this  is  awful !     Gwe  me  some  sort 


544  The  ^1,000,000  Bank-Note 

of  idea  of  how  to  get  a  word  to  them.     It's  of  the  last 
importance." 

**  I  can't,  indeed.  I've  no  idea  where  they've  gone, 
sir." 

"  Then  I  must  see  some  member  of  the  family." 

"Family's  away,  too;  been  abroad  months — in 
Egypt  and  India,  I  think." 

*  Man,  there's  been  an  immense  mistake  made. 
They'll  be  back  before  night.  Will  you  tell  them  I've 
been  here,  and  that  I  will  keep  coming  till  it's  all  made 
right,  and  they  needn't  be  afraid?" 

"  I'll  tell  them,  if  they  come  back,  but  I  am  not  ex- 
pecting them.  They  said  you  would  be  here  in  an 
hour  to  make  inquiries,  but  I  must  tell  you  it's  all 
right,  they'll  be  here  on  time  and  expect  you." 

So  I  had  to  give  it  up  and  go  away.  What  a  riddle 
it  all  was!  I  was  like  to  lose  my  mind.  They  would 
be  here  "  on  time."  What  could  that  mean?  Oh, 
the  letter  would  explain,  maybe.  I  had  forgotten  the 
letter ;  I  got  it  out  and  read  it.  This  is  what  it  said  : 

"You  are  an  intelligent  and  honest  man,  as  one  may  see  by  your  face. 
We  conceive  you  to  be  poor  and  a  stranger.  Enclosed  you  will  find  a  sum 
of  money.  It  is  lent  to  you  for  thirty  days,  without  interest.  Report  at 
this  house  at  the  end  of  that  time.  I  have  a  bet  on  you.  If  I  win  it  you 
shall  have  any  situation  that  is  in  my  gift  —  any,  that  is,  that  you  shall  be 
able  to  prove  yourself  familiar  with  and  competent  to  fill." 

No  signature,  no  address,  no  date. 

Well,  here  was  a  coil  to  be  in !  You  are  posted  on 
what  had  preceded  all  this,  but  I  was  not.  It  was  just 
a  deep,  dark  puzzle  to  me.  I  hadn't  the  least  idea 
what  the  game  was,  nor  whether  harm  was  meant  me 
or  a  kindness.  I  went  into  a  park,  and  sat  down  to 
try  to  think  it  out,  and  to  consider  what  I  had  best  do. 

At  the  end  of  an  hour  my  reasonings  had  crystallized 
into  this  verdict. 

Maybe  those  men  mean  me  well,  maybe  they  mean 


The  ,£1,000,000  Bank-Note  345 

me  ill;  noway  to  decide  that  —  let  it  go.  They've 
got  a  game,  or  a  scheme,  or  an  experiment,  of  some 
kind  on  hand ;  no  way  to  determine  what  it  is  —  let  it 
go.  There's  a  bet  on  me;  no  way  to  find  out  what  it 
is  —  let  it  go.  That  disposes  of  the  indeterminable 
quantities;  the  remainder  of  the  matter  is  tangible, 
solid,  and  may  be  classed  and  labeled  with  certainty. 
If  I  ask  the  Bank  of  England  to  place  this  bill  to  the 
credit  of  the  man  it  belongs  to,  they'll  do  it,  for  they 
know  him,  although  I  don't;  but  they  will  ask  me 
how  I  came  in  possession  of  it,  and  if  I  tell  the  truth, 
they'll  put  me  in  the  asylum,  naturally,  and  a  lie  will 
land  me  in  jail.  The  same  result  would  follow  if  I 
tried  to  bank  the  bill  anywhere  or  to  borrow  money  on 
it.  I  have  got  to  carry  this  immense  burden  around 
until  those  men  come  back,  whether  I  want  to  or  not. 
It  is  useless  to  me,  as  useless  as  a  handful  of  ashes, 
and  yet  I  must  take  care  of  it,  and  watch  over  it,  while 
I  beg  my  living.  I  couldn't  give  it  away,  if  I  should 
try,  for  neither  honest  citizen  nor  highwayman  would 
accept  it  or  meddle  with  it  for  anything.  Those 
brothers  are  safe.  Even  if  I  lose  their  bill,  or  burn  it, 
they  are  still  safe,  because  they  can  stop  payment,  and 
the  Bank  will  make  them  whole;  but  meantime  I've 
got  to  do  a  month's  suffering  without  wages  or  profit  — 
unless  I  help  win  that  bet,  whatever  it  may  be,  and  get 
that  situation  that  I  am  promised.  I  should  like  to  get 
that ;  men  of  their  sort  have  situations  in  their  gift  that 
are  worth  having. 

I  got  to  thinking  a  good  deal  about  that  situation. 
My  hopes  began  to  rise  high.  Without  doubt  the 
salary  would  be  large.  It  would  begin  in  a  month; 
after  that  I  should  be  all  right.  Pretty  soon  I  was  feel- 
ing first-rate.  By  this  time  I  was  tramping  the  streets 
again.  The  sight  of  a  tailor-shop  gave  me  a  sharp 
longing  to  shed  my  rags,  and  to  clothe  myself  decently 


346  The  ^1,000,000  Bank-Note 

once  more.  Could  I  afford  it?  No;  I  had  nothing  in 
the  world  but  a  million  pounds.  So  I  forced  myself 
to  go  on  by.  But  soon  I  was  drifting  back  again.  The 
temptation  persecuted  me  cruelly.  I  must  have  passed 
that  shop  back  and  forth  six  times  during  that  manful 
struggle.  At  last  I  gave  in;  I  had  to.  I  asked  if  they 
had  a  misfit  suit  that  had  been  thrown  on  their  hands. 
The  fellow  I  spoke  to  nodded  his  head  towards  another 
fellow,  and  gave  me  no  answer.  I  went  to  the  indi- 
cated fellow,  and  he  indicated  another  fellow  with  his 
head,  and  no  words.  I  went  to  him,  and  he  said: 
'Tend  to  you  presently." 

I  waited  till  he  was  done  with  what  he  was  at,  then 
he  took  me  into  a  back  room,  and  overhauled  a  pile  of 
rejected  suits,  and  selected  the  rattiest  one  for  me.  I 
put  it  on.  It  didn't  fit,  and  wasn't  in  any  way  attract- 
ive, but  it  was  new,  and  I  was  anxious  to  have  it;  so 
I  didn't  find  any  fault,  but  said,  with  some  diffidence: 

14  It  would  be  an  accommodation  to  me  if  you  could 
wait  some  days  for  the  money.  I  haven't  any  small 
change  about  me." 

The  fellow  worked  up  a  most  sarcastic  expression  of 
countenance,  and  said: 

"  Oh,  you  haven't?  Well,  of  course,  I  didn't  ex- 
pect it.  I'd  only  expect  gentlemen  like  you  to  carry 
large  change." 

I  was  nettled,  and  said: 

*'  My  friend,  you  shouldn't  judge  a  stranger  always 
by  the  clothes  he  wears.  I  am  quite  able  to  pay  for 
this  suit;  I  simply  didn't  wish  to  put  you  to  the 
trouble  of  changing  a  large  note." 

He  modified  his  style  a  little  at  that,  and  said, 
though  still  with  something  of  an  air : 

41  I  didn't  mean  any  particular  harm,  but  as  long  as 
rebukes  are  going,  I  might  say  it  wasn't  quite  your 
affair  to  jump  to  the  conclusion  that  we  couldn't 


The  ,£1,000,000  Bank-Note  347 

change  any  note  that  you  might  happen  to  be  carrying 
around.  On  the  contrary,  we  can." 

I  handed  the  note  to  him,  and  said: 

*'  Oh,  very  well;   I  apologize. " 

He  received  it  with  a  smile,  one  of  those  large  smiles 
which  goes  all  around  over,  and  has  folds  in  it,  and 
wrinkles,  and  spirals,  and  looks  like  the  place  where 
you  have  thrown  a  brick  in  a  pond ;  and  then  in  the 
act  of  his  taking  a  glimpse  of  the  bill  this  smile  froze 
solid,  and  turned  yellow,  and  looked  like  those  wavy, 
wormy  spreads  of  lava  which  you  find  hardened  on 
little  levels  on  the  side  of  Vesuvius.  I  never  before 
saw  a  smile  caught  like  that,  and  perpetuated.  The 
man  stood  there  holding  the  bill,  and  looking  like  that, 
and  the  proprietor  hustled  up  to  see  what  was  the 
matter,  and  said,  briskly  : 

44  Well,  what's  up?  what's  the  trouble?  what's 
wanting?" 

I  said:  "  There  isn't  any  trouble.  I'm  waiting  for 
my  change." 

"  Come,  come;  get  him  his  change,  Tod;  get  him 
his  change." 

Tod  retorted:  "  Get  him  his  change!  It's  easy  to 
say,  sir;  but  look  at  the  bill  yourself." 

The  proprietor  took  a  look,  gave  a  low,  eloquent 
whistle,  then  made  a  dive  for  the  pile  of  rejected 
clothing,  and  began  to  snatch  it  this  way  and  that, 
talking  all  the  time  excitedly,  and  as  if  to  himself: 

**  Sell  an  eccentric  millionaire  such  an  unspeakable 
suit  as  that!  Tod's  a  fool  —  a  born  fool.  Always 
doing  something  like  this.  Drives  every  millionaire 
away  from  this  place,  because  he  can't  tell  a  millionaire 
from  a  tramp,  and  never  could.  Ah,  here's  the  thing 
I  am  after.  Please  get  those  things  off,  sir,  and  throw 
them  in  the  fire.  Do  me  the  favor  to  put  on  this  shirt 
and  this  suit;  it's  just  the  thing,  the  very  thing  — 


348  The  ;£  1,000,000  Bank-Note 

plain,  rich,  modest,  and  just  ducally  nobby;  made  to 
order  for  a  foreign  prince  —  you  may  know  him,  sir, 
his  Serene  Highness  the  Hospodar  of  Halifax ;  had  to 
leave  it  with  us  and  take  a  mourning-suit  because  his 
mother  was  going  to  die  —  which  she  didn't.  But 
that's  all  right;  we  can't  always  have  things  the  way 
we  —  that  is,  the  way  they  —  there  !  trousers  all  right, 
they  fit  you  to  a  charm,  sir;  now  the  waistcoat;  aha, 
right  again  !  now  the  coat  —  lord  !  look  at  that,  now  ! 
Perfect  —  the  whole  thing !  I  never  saw  such  a  triumph 
in  all  my  experience." 

I  expressed  my  satisfaction. 

"  Quite  right,  sir,  quite  right;  it'll  do  for  a  make- 
shift, I'm  bound  to  say.  But  wait  till  you  see  what 
we'll  get  up  for  you  on  your  own  measure.  Come, 
Tod,  book  and  pen;  get  at  it.  Length  of  leg,  32  " — 
and  so  on.  Before  I  could  get  in  a  word  he  had  meas- 
ured me,  and  was  giving  orders  for  dress-suits,  morning 
suits,  shirts,  and  all  sorts  of  things.  When  I  got  a 
chance  I  said: 

"  But,  my  dear  sir,  I  can't  give  these  orders,  unless 
you  can  wait  indefinitely,  or  change  the  bill." 

"  Indefinitely!  It's  a  weak  word,  sir,  a  weak  word. 
Eternally  —  that's  the  word,  sir.  Tod,  rush  these 
things  through,  and  send  them  to  the  gentleman's  ad- 
dress without  any  waste  of  time.  Let  the  minor  cus- 
tomers wait.  Set  down  the  gentleman's  address  and  — ' ' 

"I'm  changing  my  quarters.  I  will  drop  in  and 
leave  the  new  address." 

"  Quite  right,  sir,  quite  right.  One  moment  —  let 
me  show  you  out,  sir.  There  —  good  day,  sir,  good 
day." 

Well,  don't  you  see  what  was  bound  to  happen?  I 
drifted  naturally  into  buying  whatever  I  wanted,  and 
asking  for  change.  Within  a  week  I  was  sumptuously 
equipped  with  all  needful  comforts  and  luxuries,  and 


The  ^1,000,000  Bank-Note  349 

was  housed  in  an  expensive  private  hotel  in  Hanover 
Square.  I  took  my  dinners  there,  but  for  breakfast  I 
stuck  by  Harris's  humble  feeding  house,  where  I  had 
got  my  first  meal  on  my  million-pound  bill.  I  was  the 
making  of  Harris.  The  fact  had  gone  all  abroad  that 
the  foreign  crank  who  carried  million-pound  bills  in  his 
vest  pocket  was  the  patron  saint  of  the  place.  That 
was  enough.  From  being  a  poor,  struggling,  little 
hand-to-mouth  enterprise,  it  had  become  celebrated, 
and  overcrowded  with  customers.  Harris  was  so  grate- 
ful that  he  forced  loans  upon  me,  and  would  not  be 
denied;  and  so,  pauper  as  I  was,  I  had  money  to 
spend,  and  was  living  like  the  rich  and  the  great.  I 
judged  that  there  was  going  to  be  a  crash  by  and  by, 
but  I  was  in  now  and  must  swim  across  or  drown. 
You  see  there  was  just  that  element  of  impending  dis- 
aster to  give  a  serious  side,  a  sober  side,  yes,  a  tragic 
side,  to  a  state  of  things  which  would  otherwise  have 
been  purely  ridiculous.  In  the  night,  in  the  dark,  the 
tragedy  part  was  always  to  the  front,  "and  always  warn- 
ing, always  threatening;  and  so  I  moaned  and  tossed, 
and  sleep  was  hard  to  find.  But  in  the  cheerful  day- 
light the  tragedy  element  faded  out  and  disappeared, 
and  I  walked  on  air,  and  was  happy  to  giddiness,  to 
intoxication,  you  may  say. 

And  it  was  natural ;  for  I  had  become  one  of  the 
notorieties  of  the  metropolis  of  the  world,  and  it  turned 
my  head,  not  just  a  little,  but  a  good  deal.  You  could 
not  take  up  a  newspaper,  English,  Scotch,  or  Irish, 
without  finding  in  it  one  or  more  references  to  the 
"vest-pocket  million-pounder"  and  his  latest  doings 
and  sayings.  At  first,  in  these  mentions,  I  was  at  the 
bottom  of  the  personal-gossip  column;  next,  I  was 
listed  above  the  knights,  next  above  the  baronets,  next 
above  the  barons,  and  so  on,  and  so  on,  climbing 
steadily,  as  my  notoriety  augmented,  until  I  reached 

23A 


550  The  ^1,000,000  Bank-Note 

the  highest  altitude  possible,  and  there  I  remained, 
taking  precedence  of  all  dukes  not  royal,  and  of  all 
ecclesiastics  except  the  primate  of  all  England.  But 
mind,  this  was  not  fame;  as  yet  I  had  achieved  only 
notoriety.  Then  came  the  climaxing  stroke  —  the  ac- 
colade, so  to  speak  —  which  in  a  single  instant  trans- 
muted the  perishable  dross  of  notoriety  into  the 
enduring  gold  of  fame :  Punch  caricatured  me  !  Yes, 
I  was  a  made  man  now;  my  place  was  established.  I 
might  be  joked  about  still,  but  reverently,  not  hilari- 
ously, not  rudely;  I  could  be  smiled  at,  but  not 
laughed  at.  The  time  for  that  had  gone  by.  Punch 
pictured  me  all  a-flutter  with  rags,  dickering  with  a 
beef-eater  for  the  Tower  of  London.  Well,  you  can 
imagine  how  it  was  with  a  young  fellow  who  had  never 
been  taken  notice  of  before,  and  now  all  of  a  sudden 
couldn't  say  a  thing  that  wasn't  taken  up  and  repeated 
everywhere;  couldn't  stir  abroad  without  constantly 
overhearing  the  remark  flying  from  lip  to  lip,  "  There 
he  goes;  that's- him!"  couldn't  take  his  breakfast 
without  a  crowd  to  look  on;  couldn't  appear  in  an 
opera-box  without  concentrating  there  the  fire  of  a 
thousand  lorgnettes.  Why,  I  just  swam  in  glory  all 
day  long  —  that  is  the  amount  of  it. 

You  know,  I  even  kept  my  old  suit  of  rags,  and 
every  now  and  then  appeared  in  them,  so  as  to  have 
the  old  pleasure  of  buying  trifles,  and  being  insulted, 
and  then  shooting  the  scoffer  dead  with  the  million- 
pound  bill.  But  I  couldn't  keep  that  up.  The  illus- 
trated papers  made  the  outfit  so  familiar  that  when  I 
went  out  in  it  I  was  at  once  recognized  and  followed 
by  a  crowd,  and  if  I  attempted  a  purchase  the  man 
would  offer  me  his  whole  shop  on  credit  before  I  could 
pull  my  note  on  him. 

About  the  tenth  day  of  my  fame  I  went  to  fulfil  my 
duty  to  my  flag  by  paying  my  respects  to  the  Ameri- 


The  ,£1, 000,000  Bank-Note  351 

can  minister.  He  received  me  with  the  enthusiasm 
proper  in  my  case,  upbraided  me  for  being  so  tardy  in 
my  duty,  and  said  that  there  was  only  one  way  to  get 
his  forgiveness,  and  that  was  to  take  the  seat  at  his 
dinner-party  that  night  made  vacant  by  the  illness  of 
one  of  his  guests.  I  said  I  would,  and  we  got  to  talk- 
ing. It  turned  out  that  he  and  my  father  had  been 
schoolmates  in  boyhood,  Yale  students  together  later, 
and  always  warm  friends  up  to  my  father's  death*  So 
then  he  required  me  to  put  in  at  his  house  all  the  odd 
time  I  might  have  to  spare,  and  I  was  very  willing,  of 
course. 

In  fact,  I  was  more  than  willing;  I  was  glad.  When 
the  crash  should  come,  he  might  somehow  be  able  to 
save  me  from  total  destruction;  I  didn't  know  how, 
but  he  might  think  of  a  way,  maybe.  I  couldn't 
venture  to  unbosom  myself  to  him  at  this  late  date,  a 
thing  which  I  would  have  been  quick  to  do  in  the  be- 
ginning of  this  awful  career  of  mine  in  London.  No, 
I  couldn't  venture  it  now;  I  was  in  too  deep;  that  is, 
too  deep  for  me  to  be  risking  revelations  to  so  new  a 
friend,  though  not  clear  beyond  my  depth,  as  /looked 
at  it.  Because,  you  see,  with  all  my  borrowing,  I  was 
carefully  keeping  within  my  means  —  I  mean  within 
my  salary.  Of  course,  I  couldn't  know  what  my  salary 
was  going  to  be,  but  I  had  a  good  enough  basis  for  an 
estimate  in  the  fact,  that  if  I  won  the  bet  I  was  to  have 
choice  of  any  situation  in  that  rich  old  gentleman's  gift 
provided  I  was  competent  —  and  I  should  certainly 
prove  competent;  I  hadn't  any  doubt  about  that. 
And  as  to  the  bet,  I  wasn't  worrying  about  that;  I 
had  always  been  lucky.  Now  my  estimate  of  the 
salary  was  six  hundred  to  a  thousand  a  year;  say,  six 
hundred  for  the  first  year,  and  so  on  up  year  by  year, 
till  I  struck  the  upper  figure  by  proved  merit.  At 
present  I  was  only  in  debt  for  my  first  year's  salary. 


552  The  ;£!, 000,000  Bank-Note 

Everybody  had  been  trying  to  lend  me  money,  but  I 
had  fought  off  the  most  of  them  on  one  pretext  or 
another ;  so  this  indebtedness  represented  only  ^"300 
borrowed  money,  the  other  ^300  represented  my  keep 
and  my  purchases.  I  believed  my  second  year's  salary 
would  carry  me  through  the  rest  of  the  month  if  I 
went  on  being  cautious  and  economical,  and  I  intended 
to  look  sharply  out  for  that.  My  month  ended,  my 
employer  back  from  his  journey,  I  should  be  all  right 
once  more,  for  I  should  at  once  divide  the  two  years' 
salary  among  my  creditors  by  assignment,  and  get  right 
down  to  my  work. 

It  was  a  lovely  dinner-party  of  fourteen.  The  Duke 
and  Duchess  of  Shoreditch,  and  their  daughter  the 
Lady  Anne-Grace-Eleanor-Celeste-and-so-forth-and-so- 
forth-de-Bohun,  the  Earl  and  Countess  of  Newgate, 
Viscount  Cheapside,  Lord  and  Lady  Blatherskite,  some 
untitled  people  of  both  sexes,  the  minister  and  his  wife 
and  daughter,  and  his  daughter's  visiting  friend,  an 
English  girl  of  twenty-two,  named  Portia  Langham, 
whom  I  fell  in  love  with  in  two  minutes,  and  she  with 
me  —  I  could  see  it  without  glasses.  There  was  still 
another  guest,  an  American  —  but  I  am  a  little  ahead 
of  my  story.  While  the  people  were  still  in  the 
drawing-room,  whetting  up  for  dinner,  and  coldly  in- 
specting the  late  comers,  the  servant  announced : 

"Mr.  Lloyd  Hastings." 

The  moment  the  usual  civilities  were  over,  Hastings 
caught  sight  of  me,  and  came  straight  with  cordially 
outstretched  hand ;  then  stopped  short  when  about  to 
shake,  and  said,  with  an  embarrassed  look: 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  sir,  I  thought  I  knew  you." 
4  Why,  you  do  know  me,  old  fellow." 

* '  No.     Are  you  the  —  the  — ' ' 

"Vest-pocket  monster?  I  am,  indeed.  Don't  be 
afraid  to  call  me  by  my  nickname;  I'm  used  to  it." 


The  ,£1,000,000  Bank-Note  353 

'"  Well,  well,  well,  this  is  a  surprise.  Once  or  twice 
I've  seen  your  own  name  coupled  with  the  nickname, 
but  it  never  occurred  to  me  that  you  could  be  the 
Henry  Adams  referred  to.  Why,  it  isn't  six  months 
since  you  were  clerking  away  for  Blake  Hopkins  in 
Frisco  on  a  salary,  and  sitting  up  nights  on  an  extra 
allowance,  helping  me  arrange  and  verify  the  Gould 
and  Curry  Extension  papers  and  statistics.  The  idea 
of  your  being  in  London,  and  a  vast  millionaire,  and  a 
colossal  celebrity !  Why,  it's  the  Arabian  Nights  come 
again.  Man,  I  can't  take  it  in  at  all;  can't  realize  it; 
give  me  time  to  settle  the  whirl  in  my  head." 

44  The  fact  is,  Lloyd,  you  are  no  worse  off  than  I 
am.  I  can't  realize  it  myself." 

41  Dear  me,  it  is  stunning,  now  isn't  it?  Why,  it's 
just  three  months  to-day  since  we  went  to  the  Miners* 
restaurant  — ' ' 

'No;  the  What  Cheer." 

44  Right,  it  was  the  What  Cheer;  went  there  at  two 
in  the  morning,  and  had  a  chop  and  coffee  after  a  hard 
six-hours  grind  over  those  Extension  papers,  and  I 
tried  to  persuade  you  to  come  to  London  with  me,  and 
offered  to  get  leave  of  absence  for  you  and  pay  all 
your  expenses,  and  give  you  something  over  if  I  suc- 
ceeded in  making  the  sale ;  and  you  would  not  listen 
to  me,  said  I  wouldn't  succeed,  and  you  couldn't  afford 
to  lose  the  run  of  business  and  be  no  end  of  time  get- 
ting the  hang  of  things  again  when  you  got  back  home. 
And  yet  here  you  are.  How  odd  it  all  is  !  How  did 
you  happen  to  come,  and  whatever  did  give  you  this 
incredible  start?" 

"Oh,  just  an  accident.  It's  a  long  story  —  a 
romance,  a  body  may  say.  I'll  tell  you  all  about  it, 
but  not  now." 

"When?" 

44  The  end  of  this  month." 
23#*» 


554  The  ,£1,000,000  Bank-Note 

'  That's  more  than  a  fortnight  yet.  It's  too  much 
of  a  strain  on  a  person's  curiosity.  Make  it  a  week." 

"  I  can't.  You'll  know  why,  by  and  by.  But  how's 
the  trade  getting  along?" 

His  cheerfulness  vanished  like  a  breath,  and  he  said 
with  a  sigh : 

"  You  were  a  true  prophet,  Hal,  a  true  prophet.  I 
wish  I  hadn't  come.  I  don't  want  to  talk  about  it." 

"  But  you  must.  You  must  come  and  stop  with  me 
to-night,  when  we  leave  here,  and  tell  me  all  about  it." 

"  Oh,  may  I?  Are  you  in  earnest?"  and  the  water 
showed  in  his  eyes. 

"  Yes;  I  want  to  hear  the  whole  story,  every  word." 

"I'm  so  grateful!  Just  to  find  a  human  interest 
once  more,  in  some  voice  and  in  some  eye,  in  me  and 
affairs  of  mine,  after  what  I've  been  through  here  — 
lord !  I  could  go  down  on  my  knees  for  it!" 

He  gripped  my  hand  hard,  and  braced  up,  and  was 
all  right  and  lively  after  that  for  the  dinner  —  which 
didn't  come  off.  No ;  the  usual  thing  happened,  the 
thing  that  is  always  happening  under  that  vicious  and 
aggravating  English  system  —  the  matter  of  precedence 
couldn't  be  settled,  and  so  there  was  no  dinner. 
Englishmen  always  eat  dinner  before  they  go  out  to 
dinner,  because  they  know  the  risks  they  are  running; 
but  nobody  ever  warns  the  stranger,  and  so  he  walks 
placidly  into  the  trap.  Of  course,  nobody  was  hurt 
this  time,  because  we  had  all  been  to  dinner,  none  of 
us  being  novices  excepting  Hastings,  and  he  having 
been  informed  by  the  minister  at  the  time  that  he  in- 
vited him  that  in  deference  to  the  English  custom  he 
had  not  provided  any  dinner.  Everybody  took  a  lady 
and  processioned  down  to  the  dining  room,  because  it 
is  usual  to  go  through  the  motions ;  but  there  the  dis- 
pute began.  The  Duke  of  Shoreditch  wanted  to  take 
precedence,  and  sit  at  the  head  of  the  table,  holding 


The  ,£1,000,000  Bank-Note  355 

that  he  outranked  a  minister  who  represented  merely  a 
nation  and  not  a  monarch ;  but  I  stood  for  my  rights, 
and  refused  to  yield.  In  the  gossip  column  I  ranked  all 
dukes  not  royal,  and  said  so,  and  claimed  precedence 
of  this  one.  It  couldn't  be  settled,  of  course,  struggle 
as  we  might  and  did,  he  finally  (and  injudiciously) 
trying  to  play  birth  and  antiquity,  and  I  "  seeing  "  his 
Conqueror  and  "raising"  him  with  Adam,  whose 
direct  posterity  I  was,  as  shown  by  my  name,  while  he 
was  of  a  collateral  branch,  as  shown  by  his,  and  by 
his  recent  Norman  origin ;  so  we  all  processioned  back 
to  the  drawing-room  again  and  had  a  perpendicular 
lunch  —  plate  of  sardines  and  a  strawberry,  and  you 
group  yourself  and  stand  up  and  eat  it.  Here  the 
religion  of  precedence  is  not  so  strenuous;  the  two 
persons  of  highest  rank  chuck  up  a  shilling,  the  one 
that  wins  has  first  go  at  his  strawberry,  and  the  loser 
gets  the  shilling.  The  next  two  chuck  up,  then  the 
next  two,  and  so  on.  After  refreshment,  tables  were 
brought,  and  we  all  played  cribbage,  sixpence  a  game. 
The  English  never  play  any  game  for  amusement.  If 
they  can't  make  something  or  lose  something  —  they 
don't  care  which  —  they  won't  play. 

We  had  a  lovely  time;  certainly  two  of  us  had,  Miss 
Langham  and  I.  I  was  so  bewitched  with  her  that  I 
couldn't  count  my  hands  if  they  went  above  a  double 
sequence ;  and  when  I  struck  home  I  never  discovered 
it,  and  started  up  the  outside  row  again,  and  would 
have  lost  the  game  every  time,  only  the  girl  did  the 
same,  she  being  in  just  my  condition,  you  see;  and 
consequently  neither  of  us  ever  got  out,  or  cared  to 
wonder  why  we  didn't;  we  only  just  knew  we  were 
happy,  and  didn't  wish  to  know  anything  else,  and 
didn't  want  to  be  interrupted.  And  I  told  her  — 
I  did,  indeed  —  told  her  I  loved  her;  and  she  —  well, 
she  blushed  till  her  hair  turned  red,  but  she  liked  it; 


The  ,£1,000,000  Bank-Note 

she  said  she  did.  Oh,  there  was  never  such  an  even- 
ing! Every  time  I  pegged  I  put  on  a  postscript; 
every  time  she  pegged  she  acknowledged  receipt  of  it, 
counting  the  hands  the  same.  Why,  I  couldn't  even 
say  "  Two  for  his  heels  "  without  adding,  "  My,  how 
sweet  you  do  look!"  and  she  would  say,  "Fifteen 
two,  fifteen  four,  fifteen  six,  and  a  pair  are  eight,  and 
eight  are  sixteen  —  do  you  think  so?" — peeping  out 
aslant  from  under  her  lashes,  you  know,  so  sweet  and 
cunning.  Oh,  it  was  just  &?0-too  ! 

Well,  I  was  perfectly  honest  and  square  with  her; 
told  her  I  hadn't  a  cent  in  the  world  but  just  the 
million-pound  note  she'd  heard  so  much  talk  about, 
and  it  didn't  belong  to  me,  and  that  started  her  curi- 
osity; and  then  I  talked  low,  and  told  her  the  whole 
history  right  from  the  start,  and  it  nearly  killed  her 
laughing.  What  in  the  nation  she  could  find  to  laugh 
about  /  couldn't  see,  but  there  it  was;  every  half- 
minute  some  new  detail  would  fetch  her,  and  I  would 
have  to  stop  as  much  as  a  minute  and  a  half  to  give 
her  a  chance  to  settle  down  again.  Why,  she  laughed 
herself  lame  —  she  did,  indeed;  I  never  saw  anything 
like  it.  I  mean  I  never  saw  a  painful  story  —  a  story 
of  a  person's  troubles  and  worries  and  fears  —  produce 
just  that  kind  of  effect  before.  So  I  loved  her  all  the 
more,  seeing  she  could  be  so  cheerful  when  there 
wasn't  anything  to  be  cheerful  about:  for  I  might 
soon  need  that  kind  of  wife,  you  know,  the  way  things 
looked.  Of  course,  I  told  her  we  should  have  to  wait 
a  couple  of  years,  till  1  could  catch  up  on  my  salary; 
but  she  didn't  mind  that,  only  she  hoped  I  would  be  as 
careful  as  possible  in  the  matter  of  expenses,  and  not 
let  them  run  the  least  risk  of  trenching  on  our  third 
year's  pay.  Then  she  began  to  get  a  little  worried, 
and  wondered  if  we  were  making  any  mistake,  and 
starting  the  salary  on  a  higher  figure  for  the  first  yeay 


The  ,£1,000,000  Bank-Note  357 


than  I  would  get.  This  was  good  sense,  and  it 
me  feel  a  little  less  confident  than  I  had  been  feeling 
before;  but  it  gave  me  a  good  business  idea,  and  1 
brought  it  frankly  out. 

44  Portia,  dear,  would  you  mind  going  with  me  that 
day,  when  I  confront  those  old  gentlemen?" 

She  shrank  a  little,  but  said  : 

44N-o;  if  my  being  with  you  would  help  hearten 
you.  But  —  would  it  be  quite  proper,  do  you  think?" 

44  No,  I  don't  know  that  it  would  —  in  fact,  I'm 
afraid  it  wouldn't;  but,  you  see,  there's  so  much  de- 
pendent upon  it  that  —  " 

4*  Then  I'll  go  anyway,  proper  or  improper,"  she 
said,  with  a  beautiful  and  generous  enthusiasm.  '4  Oh, 
I  shall  be  so  happy  to  think  I'm  helping!" 

44  Helping,  dear?  Why,  you'll  be  doing  it  all. 
You're  so  beautiful  and  so  lovely  and  so  winning, 
that  with  you  there  I  can  pile  our  salary  up  till  I  break 
those  good  old  fellows,  and  they'll  never  have  the 
heart  to  struggle." 

Sho  !  you  should  have  seen  the  rich  blood  mount, 
and  her  happy  eyes  shine  ! 

44  You  wicked  flatterer  !  There  isn't  a  word  of  truth 
in  what  you  say,  but  still  I'll  go  with  you.  Maybe  it 
will  teach  you  not  to  expect  other  people  to  look  with 
your  eyes." 

Were  my  doubts  dissipated?  Was  my  confidence 
restored?  You  may  judge  by  this  fact:  privately  I 
raised  my  salary  to  twelve  hundred  the  first  year  on 
the  spot.  But  I  didn't  tell  her;  I  saved  it  for  a  sur- 
prise. 

All  the  way  home  I  was  in  the  clouds,  Hastings 
talking,  I  not  hearing  a  word.  When  he  and  I  entered 
my  parlor,  he  brought  me  to  myself  with  his  fervent 
appreciations  of  my  manifold  comforts  and  luxuries. 

rne  just  stand  here  a  little  and  look  my  fill. 


358  The  ^1,000,000  Bank-Note 

Dear  me !  it's  a  palace  —  it's  just  a  palace !  And  in  it 
everything  a  body  could  desire,  including  cosey  coal 
fire  and  supper  standing  ready.  Henry,  it  doesn't 
merely  make  me  realize  how  rich  you  are ;  it  makes  me 
realize,  to  the  bone,  to  the  marrow,  how  poor  I  am  — 
how  poor  I  am,  and  how  miserable,  how  defeated, 
routed,  annihilated!" 

Plague  take  it!  this  language  gave  me  the  cold 
shudders.  It  scared  me  broad  awake,  and  made  me 
comprehend  that  I  was  standing  on  a  half-inch  crust, 
with  a  crater  underneath,  /didn't  know  I  had  been 
dreaming  —  that  is,  I  hadn't  been  allowing  myself  to 
know  it  for  a  while  back;  but  now  —  oh,  dear !  Deep 
in  debt,  not  a  cent  in  the  world,  a  lovely  girl's  happi- 
ness or  woe  in  my  hands,  and  nothing  in  front  of  me 
but  a  salary  which  might  never — oh,  would  never  — 
materialize !  Oh,  oh,  oh !  I  am  ruined  past  hope ! 
nothing  can  save  me  ! 

"  Henry,  the  mere  unconsidered  drippings  of  your 
daily  income  would — " 

'*  Oh,  my  daily  income  !  Here,  down  with  this  hot 
Scotch,  and  cheer  up  your  soul.  Here's  with  you  ! 
Or,  no  —  you're  hungry;  sit  down  and — " 

"  Not  a  bite  for  me;  I'm  past  it.  I  can't  eat,  these 
days;  but  I'll  drink  with  you  till  I  drop.  Come  !" 

14  Barrel  for  barrel,  I'm  with  you  !  Ready?  Here 
we  go !  Now,  then,  Lloyd,  unreel  your  story  while  I 
brew." 

14  Unreel  it?     What,  again?" 

"  Again?     What  do  you  mean  by  that?" 

••  Why,  I  mean  do  you  want  to  hear  it  over  again?" 

"  Do  I  want  to  hear  it  over  again?  This  is  a 
puzzler.  Wait;  don't  take  any  more  of  that  liquid. 
You  don't  need  it." 

*'  Look  here,  Henry,  you  alarm  me.  Didn't  I  tell 
you  the  whole  story  on  the  way  here?" 


The  £  1,000,000  Bank-Note  359 

'You?" 

"  Yes,  I." 

"  I'll  be  hanged  if  I  heard  a  word  of  it." 

"  Henry,  this  is  a  serious  thing.  It  troubles  me. 
What  did  you  take  up  yonder  at  the  minister's?" 

Then  it  all  flashed  on  me,  and  I  owned  up  like  a 
man. 

11  I  took  the  dearest  girl  in  this  world  —  prisoner!" 

So  then  he  came  with  a  rush,  and  we  shook,  and 
shook,  and  shook  till  our  hands  ached;  and  he  didn't 
blame  me  for  not  having  heard  a  word  of  a  story  which 
had  lasted  while  we  walked  three  miles.  He  just  sat 
down  then,  like  the  patient,  good  fellow  he  was,  and 
told  it  all  over  again.  Synopsized,  it  amounted  to 
this :  He  had  come  to  England  with  what  he  thought 
was  a  grand  opportunity ;  he  had  an  ' '  option  ' '  to  sell 
the  Gould  and  Curry  Extension  for  the  '  *  locators  ' '  of 
it,  and  keep  all  he  could  get  over  a  million  dollars. 
He  had  worked  hard,  had  pulled  every  wire  he  knew 
of,  had  left  no  honest  expedient  untried,  had  spent 
nearly  all  the  money  he  had  in  the  world,  had  not 
been  able  to  get  a  solitary  capitalist  to  listen  to  him, 
and  his  option  would  run  out  at  the  end  of  the  month. 
In  a  word,  he  was  ruined.  Then  he  jumped  up  and 
cried  out: 

'*  Henry,  you  can  save  me !  You  can  save  me,  and 
you're  the  only  man  in  the  universe  that  can.  Will 
you  do  it?  Won't  you.  do  it?" 

1  Tell  me  how.     Speak  out,  my  boy." 

"  Give  me  a  million  and  my  passage  home  for  my 
'  option  ' !  Don't,  don't  refuse  !" 

I  was  in  a  kind  of  agony.  I  was  right  on  the  point 
of  coming  out  with  the  words,  "  Lloyd,  I'm  a  pauper 
myself  —  absolutely  penniless,  and  in  debt  /"  But  a 
white-hot  idea  came  flaming  through  my  head,  and  I 
gripped  my  jaws  together,  and  calmed  myself  down,  till 


360  The  ;£!, 000,000  Bank-Note 

I  was  as  cold  as  a  capitalist.     Then  I  said,  in  a  com- 
mercial and  self-possessed  way: 

"  I  will  save  you,  Lloyd  — " 

'  Then  I'm  already  saved !  *  God  be  merciful  to  you 
forever !     If  ever  I  — ' ' 

"  Let  me  finish,  Lloyd.  I  will  save  you,  but  not  in 
that  way;  for  that  would  not  be  fair  to  you,  after  your 
hard  work,  and  the  risks  you've  run.  I  don't  need  to 
buy  mines ;  I  can  keep  my  capital  moving,  in  a  com- 
mercial center  like  London,  without  that;  it's  what  I'm 
at,  all  the  time;  but  here  is  what  I'll  do.  I  know  all 
about  that  mine,  of  course ;  I  know  its  immense  value, 
and  can  swear  to  it  if  anybody  wishes  it.  You  shall 
sell  out  inside  of  the  fortnight  for  three  millions  cash, 
using  my  name  freely,  and  we'll  divide,  share  and 
share  alike." 

Do  you  know,  he  would  have  danced  the  furniture 
to  kindling-wood  in  his  insane  joy,  and  broken  every- 
thing on  the  place,  if  I  hadn't  tripped  him  up  and  tied 
him. 

Then  he  lay  there,  perfectly  happy,  saying: 

"  I  may  use  your  name  !  Your  name  —  think  of  it ! 
Man,  they'll  flock  in  droves,  these  rich  Londoners; 
they'll  fight  for  that  stock!  I'm  a  made  man,  I'm  a 
made  man  forever,  and  I'll  never  forget  you  as  long  as 
Hive!" 

In  less  than  twenty-four  hours  London  was  abuzz ! 
I  hadn't  anything  to  do,  day  after  day,  but  sit  at  home, 
and  say  to  all  comers : 

"  Yes;  I  told  him  to  refer  to  me.  I  know  the  man, 
and  I  know  the  mine.  His  character  is  above  reproach, 
and  the  mine  is  worth  far  more  than  he  asks  for  it." 

Meantime  I  spent  all  my  evenings  at  the  minister's 
with  Portia.  I  didn't  say  a  word  to  her  about  the 
mine;  I  saved  it  for  a  surprise.  We  talked  salary; 
never  anything  but  salary  and  love ;  sometimes  love, 


The  ;£l, 000,000  Bank-Note  36! 

sometimes  salary,  sometimes  love  and  salary  together. 
And  my!  the  interest  the  minister's  wife  and  daughter 
took  in  our  little  affair,  and  the  endless  ingenuities  they 
invented  to  save  us  from  interruption,  and  to  keep  the 
minister  in  the  dark  and  unsuspicious  —  well,  it  was 
just  lovely  of  them  ! 

When  the  month  was  up  at  last,  I  had  a  million 
dollars  to  my  credit  in  the  London  and  County  Bank, 
and  Hastings  was  fixed  in  the  same  way.  Dressed  at 
my  level  best,  I  drove  by  the  house  in  Portland  Place, 
judged  by  the  look  of  things  that  my  birds  were  home 
again,  went  on  towards  the  minister's  and  got  my 
precious,  and  we  started  back,  talking  salary  with  all 
our  might.  She  was  so  excited  and  anxious  that  it 
made  her  just  intolerably  beautiful.  I  said : 

"  Dearie,  the  way  you're  looking  it's  a  crim^  to 
strike  for  a  salary  a  single  penny  under  thre6  thousand 
a  year." 

"  Henry,  Henry,  you'll  ruin  us!" 

11  Don't  you  be  afraid.  Just  keep  up  those  looks, 
and  trust  to  me.  It'll  all  come  out  right." 

So,  as  it  turned  out,  I  had  to  keep  bolstering  up  her 
qourage  all  the  way.  She  kept  pleading  with  me,  and 
saying: 

"  Oh,  please  remember  that  if  we  ask  for  too  much 
we  may  get  no  salary  at  all ;  and  then  what  will  become 
of  us,  with  no  way  in  the  world  to  earn  our  living?" 

We  were  ushered  in  by  that  same  servant,  and  there 
they  were,  the  two  old  gentlemen.  Of  course,  they 
were  surprised  to  see  that  wonderful  creature  with  me, 
but  I  said : 

11  It's  all  right,  gentlemen;  she  is  my  future  stay 
and  helpmate." 

And  I  introduced  them  to  her,  and  called  them  by 
name.  It  didn't  surprise  them ;  they  knew  I  would 
know  enough  to  consult  the  directory.  They  seated 


J62  The  ^1,000,000  Bank-Note 

us,  and  were  very  polite  to  me,  and  very  solicitous  to 
relieve  her  from  embarrassment,  and  put  her  as  much 
at  her  ease  as  they  could.  Then  I  said: 

11  Gentlemen,  I  am  ready  to  report." 

"  We  are  glad  to  hear  it,"  said  my  man,  "  for  now 
we  can  decide  the  bet  which  my  brother  Abel  and  I 
made.  If  you  have  won  for  me,  you  shall  have  any 
situation  in  my  gift.  Have  you  the  million-pound 
note?" 

"  Here  it  is,  sir,"  and  I  handed  it  to  him. 

"  I've  won !"  he  shouted,  and  slapped  Abel  on  the 
back.  "  Now  what  do  you  say,  brother?" 

14  I  say  he  did  survive,  and  I've  lost  twenty  thousand 
pounds.  I  never  would  have  believed  it." 

11  I've  a  further  report  to  make,"  I  said,  "  and  a 
pretty  long  one.  I  want  you  to  let  me  come  soon, 
and  detail  my  whole  month's  history;  and  I  promise 
you  it's  worth  hearing.  Meantime,  take  a  look  at  that. ' ' 

"  What,  man !  Certificate  of  deposit  for  ^"200,000. 
Is  it  yours?" 

"  Mine.  I  earned  it  by  thirty  days'  judicious  use  of 
that  little  loan  you  let  me  have.  And  the  only  use  I 
made  of  it  was  to  buy  trifles  and  offer  the  bill  in 
change." 

"  Come,  this  is  astonishing!     It's  incredible,  man!" 

**  Never  mind,  I'll  prove  it.  Don't  take  my  word 
unsupported." 

But  now  Portia's  turn  was  come  to  be  surprised. 
Her  eyes  were  spread  wide,  and  she  said : 

l<  Henry,  is  that  really  your  money?  Have  you 
been  fibbing  to  me?" 

"  I  have,  indeed,  dearie.  But  you'll  forgive  me,  / 
know." 

She  put  up  an  arch  pout,  and  said : 

"  Don't  you  be  so  sure.  You  are  a  naughty  thing 
to  deceive  me  so  ! " 


The  ^1,000,000  Bank-Note  363 

"'  Oh,  you'll  get  over  it,  sweetheart,  you'll  get  over 
it;  it  was  only  fun,  you  know.  Come,  let's  be  going." 

"  But  wait,  wait!  The  situation,  you  know.  I  want 
to  give  you  the  situation,"  said  my  man. 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  I'm  just  as  grateful  as  I  can  be, 
but  really  I  don't  want  one." 

' 4  But  you  can  have  the  very  choicest  one  in  my  gift. ' ' 

44  Thanks  again,  with  all  my  heart;  but  I  don't  even 
want  that  one." 

"  Henry,  I'm  ashamed  of  you.  You  don't  half 
thank  the  good  gentleman.  May  I  do  it  for  you?" 

"  Indeed,  you  shall,  dear,  if  you  can  improve  it. 
Let  us  see  you  try." 

She  walked  to  my  man,  got  up  in  his  lap,  put  her 
arm  round  his  neck,  and  kissed  him  right  on  the 
mouth.  Then  the  two  old  gentlemen  shouted  with 
laughter,  but  I  was  dumfounded,  just  petrified,  as  you 
may  say.  Portia  said : 

"  Papa,  he  has  said  you  haven't  a  situation  in  your 
gift  that  he'd  take ;   and  I  feel  just  as  hurt  as  — " 
4  My  darling,  is  that  your  papa?" 

11  Yes;  he's  my  step-papa,  and  the  dearest  one  that 
ever  was.  You  understand  now,  don't  you,  why  I 
was  able  to  laugh  when  you  told  me  at  the  minister's, 
not  knowing  my  relationships,  what  trouble  and  worry 
papa's  and  Uncle  Abel's  scheme  was  giving  you?" 

Of  course,  I  spoke  right  up  now,  without  any  fool- 
ing, and  went  straight  to  the  point. 

14  Oh,  my  dearest  dear  sir,  I  want  to  take  back  what 
I  said.  You  have  got  a  situation  open  that  I  want." 

44  Name  it." 

44  Son-in-law." 

4  Well,  well,  well!  But  you  know,  if  you  haven't 
ever  served  in  that  capacity,  you,  of  course,  can't 
furnish  recommendations  of  a  sort  to  satisfy  the  condi- 
tions of  the  contract,  and  so — " 


364  The  ,£1,000,000  Bank-Note 

"  Try  me  —  oh,  do,  I  beg  of  you!  Only  just  try 
me  thirty  or  forty  years,  and  if — " 

"  Oh,  well,  all  right;  it's  but  a  little  thing  to  ask, 
take  her  along." 

Happy,  we  two?  There  are  not  words  enough  in 
the  unabridged  to  describe  it.  And  when  London  got 
the  whole  history,  a  day  or  two  later,  of  my  month's 
adventures  with  that  bank-note,  and  how  they  ended, 
did  London  talk,  and  have  a  good  time?  Yes. 

My  Portia's  papa  took  that  friendly  and  hospitable 
bill  back  to  the  Bank  of  England  and  cashed  it;  then 
the  Bank  canceled  it  and  made  him  a  present  of  it, 
and  he  gave  it  to  us  at  our  wedding,  and  it  has  always 
hung  in  its  frame  in  the  sacredest  place  in  our  home 
ever  since.  For  it  gave  me  my  Portia.  But  for  it  I 
could  not  have  remained  in  London,  would  not  have 
appeared  at  the  minister's,  never  should  have  met  her. 
And  so  I  always  say,  "  Yes,  it's  a  million-pounder,  as 
you  see;  but  it  never  made  but  one  purchase  in  its 
life,  and  then  got  the  article  for  only  about  a  tenth  part 
of  its  value." 


MENTAL  TELEGRAPHY 

A  MANUSCRIPT  WITH  A  HISTORY 

NOTE  TO  THE  EDITOR. —  By  glancing  over  the  enclosed  bundle  of  rusty 
old  manuscript,  you  will  perceive  that  I  once  made  a  great  discovery :  the 
discovery  that  certain  sorts  cf  thing  which,  from  the  beginning  of  the  world, 
had  always  been  regarded  as  merely  "curious  coincidences" — that  is  to 
say,  accidents — were  no  more  accidental  than  is  the  sending  and  receiving 
of  a  telegram  an  accident.  I  made  this  discovery  sixteen  or  seventeen  years 
ago,  and  gave  it  a  name — "Mental  Telegraphy."  It  is  the  same  thing 
around  the  outer  edges  of  which  the  Psychical  Society  of  England  began  to 
group  (and  play  with)  four  or  five  years  ago,  and  which  they  named 
"Telepathy."  Within  the  last  two  or  three  years  they  have  penetrated 
towards  the  heart  of  the  matter,  however,  and  have  found  out  that  mind 
can  act  upon  mind  in  a  quite  detailed  and  elaborate  way  over  vast  stretches 
of  land  and  water.  And  they  have  succeeded  in  doing,  by  their  great  credit 
and  influence,  what  I  could  never  have  done  —  they  have  convinced  the 
world  that  mental  telegraphy  is  not  a  jest,  but  a  fact,  and  that  it  is  a  thing 
not  rare,  but  exceedingly  common.  They  have  done  our  age  a  service  — 
and  a  very  great  service,  I  think. 

In  this  old  manuscript  you  will  find  mention  of  an  extraordinary  experi- 
ence of  mine  in  the  mental  telegraphic  line,  of  date  about  the  year  1874  or 
1875  —  the  one  concerning  the  Great  Bonanza  book.  It  was  this  experi- 
ence that  called  my  attention  to  the  matter  under  consideration.  I  began 
to  keep  a  record,  after  that,  of  such  experiences  of  mine  as  seemed 
explicable  by  the  theory  that  minds  telegraph  thoughts  to  each  other.  In 
1878  I  went  to  Germany  and  began  to  write  the  book  called  A  Tramp 
Abroad.  The  bulk  of  this  old  batch  of  manuscript  was  written  at  that  time 
and  for  that  book.  But  I  removed  it  when  I  came  to  revise  the  volume  for 
the  press;  for  I  feared  that  the  public  would  treat  the  thing  as  a  joke  and 
throw  it  aside,  whereas  I  was  in  earnest. 

24A  (365) 


366  Mental  Telegraphy 

.At  home,  eight  or  ten  years  ago,  I  tried  to  creep  in  under  shelter  of  an 
authority  grave  enough  to  protect  the  article  from  ridicule  —  the  North 
American  Review.  But  Mr.  Metcalf  was  too  wary  for  me.  He  said  that 
to  treat  these  mere  "  coincidences  "  seriously  was  a  thing  which  the  Review 
couldn't  dare  to  do;  that  I  must  put  either  my  name  or  my  nom  de  plume 
to  the  article,  and  thus  save  the  Review  from  harm.  But  I  couldn't  consent 
to  that;  it  would  be  the  surest  possible  way  to  defeat  my  desire  that  the 
public  should  receive  the  thing  seriously,  and  be  willing  to  stop  and  give  it 
some  fair  degree  of  attention.  So  I  pigeon-holed  the  MS.,  because  I  could 
not  get  it  published  anonymously. 

Now  see  how  the  world  has  moved  since  then.  These  small  experiences 
of  mine,  which  were  too  formidable  at  that  time  for  admission  to  a  grave 
magazine — if  the  magazine  must  allow  them  to  appear  as  something  above 
and  beyond  "accidents"  and  "coincidences" — are  trifling  and  common- 
place now,  since  the  flood  of  light  recently  cast  upon  mental  telegraphy  by 
the  intelligent  labors  of  the  Psychical  Society.  But  I  think  they  are  worth 
publishing,  just  to  show  what  harmless  and  ordinary  matters  were  considered 
dangerous  and  incredible  eight  or  ten  years  ago. 

As  I  have  said,  the  bulk  of  this  old  manuscript  was  written  in  1878;  a 
later  part  was  written  from  time  to  time  two,  three,  and  four  years  after- 
wards. The  '*  Postscript"  I  add  to-day. 

MAY,  '78. —  Another  of  those  apparently  trifling 
things  has  happened  to  me  which  puzzle  and  per- 
plex all  men  every  now  and  then,  keep  them  think- 
ing an  hour  or  two,  and  leave  their  minds  barren  of 
explanation  or  solution  at  last.  Here  it  is  —  and  it 
looks  inconsequential  enough,  I  am  obliged  to  say.  A 
few  days  ago  I  said:  "  It  must  be  that  Frank  Millet 
doesn't  know  we  are  in  Germany,  or  he  would  have 
written  long  before  this.  I  have  been  on  the  point  of 
dropping  him  a  line  at  least  a  dozen  times  during  the 
past  six  weeks,  but  I  always  decided  to  wait  a  day  or 
two  longer,  and  see  if  we  shouldn't  hear  from  him. 
But  now  I  will  write."  And  so  I  did.  I  directed  the 
letter  to  Paris,  and  thought,  "  Now  we  shall  hear  from 
him  before  this  letter  is  fifty  miles  from  Heidelberg  — 
it  always  happens  so." 


Mental  Telegraphy  36? 

True  enough;  but  why  should  it?  That  is  the  puz- 
zling part  of  it.  We  are  always  talking  about  letters 
"crossing"  each  other,  for  that  is  one  of  the  very 
commonest  accidents  of  this  life.  We  call  it  "  acci- 
dent," but  perhaps  we  misname  it.  We  have  the  in- 
stinct a  dozen  times  a  year  that  the  letter  we  are  writing 
is  going  to  "  cross  "  the  other  person's  letter;  and  if 
the  reader  will  rack  his  memory  a  little  he  will  recall 
the  fact  that  this  presentiment  had  strength  enough  to 
it  to  make  him  cut  his  letter  down  to  a  decided  brief- 
ness, because  it  would  be  a  waste  of  time  to  write  a 
letter  which  was  going  to  "  cross,"  and  hence  be  a 
useless  letter.  I  think  that  in  my  experience  this  in- 
stinct has  generally  come  to  me  in  cases  where  I  had 
put  off  my  letter  a  good  while  in  the  hope  that  the 
other  person  would  write. 

Yes,  as  I  was  saying,  I  had  waited  five  or  six  weeks; 
then  I  wrote  but  three  lines,  because  I  felt  and  seemed 
to  know  that  a  letter  from  Millet  would  cross  mine. 
And  so  it  did.  He  wrote  the  same  day  that  I  wrote. 
The  letters  crossed  each  other.  His  letter  went  to 
Berlin,  care  of  the  American  minister,  who  sent  it  to 
me.  In  this  letter  Millet  said  he  had  been  trying  for 
six  weeks  to  stumble  upon  somebody  who  knew  my 
German  address,  and  at  last  the  idea  had  occurred  to 
him  that  a  letter  sent  to  the  care  of  the  embassy  at 
Berlin  might  possibly  find  me. 

Maybe  it  was  an  "  accident  "  that  he  finally  deter- 
mined to  write  me  at  the  same  moment  that  I  finally 
determined  to  write  him,  but  I  think  not. 

With  me  the  most  irritating  thing  has  been  to  wait  a 
tedious  time  in  a  purely  business  matter,  hoping  that 
the  other  party  will  do  the  writing,  and  then  sit  down 
and  do  it  myself,  perfectly  satisfied  that  that  other 
man  is  sitting  down  at  the  same  moment  to  write  a 
letter  which  will  * '  cross  ' '  mine.  And  yet  one  must 


368  Mental  Telegraphy 

go  on  writing,  just  the  same;  because  if  you  get  up 
from  your  table  and  postpone,  that  other  man  will  do 
the  same  thing,  exactly  as  if  you  two  were  harnessed 
together  like  the  Siamese  twins,  and  must  duplicate 
each  other's  movements. 

Several  months  before  I  left  home  a  New  York  firm 
did  some  work  about  the  house  for  me,  and  did  not 
make  a  success  of  it,  as  it  seemed  to  me.  When  the 
bill  came,  I  wrote  and  said  I  wanted  the  work  per- 
fected before  I  paid.  They  replied  that  they  were 
very  busy,  but  that  as  soon  as  they  could  spare  the 
proper  man  the  thing  should  be  done.  I  waited  more 
than  two  months,  enduring  as  patiently  as  possible  the 
companionship  of  bells  which  would  fire  away  of  their 
own  accord  sometimes  when  nobody  was  touching 
them,  and  at  other  times  wouldn't  ring  though  you 
struck  the  button  with  a  sledge  hammer.  Many  a  time 
I  got  ready  to  write  and  then  postponed  it ;  but  at  last 
I  sat  down  one  evening  and  poured  out  my  grief  to  the 
extent  of  a  page  or  so,  and  then  cut  my  letter  suddenly 
short,  because  a  strong  instinct  told  me  that  the  firm 
had  begun  to  move  in  the  matter.  When  I  came  down 
to  breakfast  next  morning  the  postman  had  not  yet 
taken  my  letter  away,  but  the  electrical  man  had  been 
there,  done  his  work,  and  was  gone  again !  He  had 
received  his  orders  the  previous  evening  from  his  em- 
ployers, and  had  come  up  by  the  night  train. 

If  that  was  an  "  accident,"  it  took  about  three 
months  to  get  it  up  in  good  shape. 

One  evening  last  summer  I  arrived  in  Washington, 
registered  at  the  Arlington  Hotel,  and  went  to  my 
room.  I  read  and  smoked  until  ten  o'clock;  then, 
finding  I  was  not  yet  sleepy,  I  thought  I  would  take  a 
breath  of  fresh  air.  So  I  went  forth  in  the  rain,  and 
tramped  through  one  street  after  another  in  an  aimless 
and  enjoyable  way,  J  knew  that  Mr.  G- ,  a  friend 


Mental  Telegraphy  369 

of  mine,  was  in  town,  and  I  wished  I  might  run  across 
him ;  but  I  did  not  propose  to  hunt  for  him  at  mid- 
night, especially  as  I  did  not  know  where  he  was  stop- 
ping. Towards  twelve  o'clock  the  streets  had  become 
so  deserted  that  I  felt  lonesome;  so  I  stepped  into  a 
cigar  shop  far  up  the  avenue,  and  remained  there 
fifteen  minutes,  listening  to  some  bummers  discussing 
national  politics.  Suddenly  the  spirit  of  prophecy 
came  upon  me,  and  I  said  to  myself,  "  Now  I  will  go 
out  at  this  door,  turn  to  the  left,  walk  ten  steps,  and 

meet  Mr.  O face  to  face."    I  did  it,  too !    I  could 

not  see  his  face,  because  he  had  an  umbrella  before  it, 
and  it  was  pretty  dark  anyhow,  but  he  interrupted  the 
man  he  was  walking  and  talking  with,  and  I  recognized 
his  voice  and  stopped  him. 

That  I  should  step  out  there  and  stumble  upon  Mr. 
O was  nothing,  but  that  I  should  know  before- 
hand that  I  was  going  to  do  it  was  a  good  deal.  It  is 
a  very  curious  thing  when  you  come  to  look  at  it.  I 
stood  far  within  the  cigar  shop  when  I  delivered  my 
prophecy;  I  walked  about  five  steps  to  the  door, 
opened  it,  closed  it  after  me,  walked  down  a  flight  of 
three  steps  to  the  sidewalk,  then  turned  to  the  left  and 
walked  four  or  five  more,  and  found  my  man.  I  repeat 
that  in  itself  the  thing  was  nothing;  but  to  know  it 
would  happen  so  beforehand,  wasn't  that  really  curious? 

I  have  criticised  absent  people  so  often,  and  then 
discovered,  to  my  humiliation,  that  I  was  talking  with 
their  relatives,  that  I  have  grown  superstitious  about 
that  sort  of  thing  and  dropped  it.  How  like  an  idiot 
one  feels  after  a  blunder  like  that ! 

We  are  always  mentioning  people,  and  in  that  very 
instant  they  appear  before  us.  We  laugh,  and  say, 
14  Speak  of  the  devil,"  and  so  forth,  and  there  wa 
drop  it,  considering  it  an  "  accident."  It  is  a  cheap 
and  convenient  way  of  disposing  of  a  grave  and  ver> 
24*** 


570  Mental  Telegraphy 

puzzling  mystery.     The  fact  is,  it  does  seem  to  happen 
too  often  to  be  an  accident. 

Now  I  come  to  the  oddest  thing  that  ever  happened 
to  me.  Two  or  three  years  ago  I  was  lying  in  bed, 
idly  musing,  one  morning  —  it  was  the  2d  of  March  — 
when  suddenly  a  red-hot  new  idea  came  whistling  down 
into  my  camp,  and  exploded  with  such  comprehensive 
effectiveness  as  to  sweep  the  vicinity  clean  of  rubbishy 
reflections,  and  fill  the  air  with  their  dust  and  flying 
fragments.  This  idea,  stated  in  simple  phrase,  was 
that  the  time  was  ripe  and  the  market  ready  for  a 
certain  book:  a  book  which  ought  to  be  written  at 
once ;  a  book  which  must  command  attention  and  be 
of  peculiar  interest  —  to  wit,  a  book  about  the  Nevada 
silver  mines.  The  "  Great  Bonanza  "  was  a  new  won- 
der then,  and  everybody  was  talking  about  it.  It 
seemed  to  me  that  the  person  best  qualified  to  write 
this  book  was  Mr.  William  H.  Wright,  a  journalist  of 
Virginia,  Nevada,  by  whose  side  I  had  scribbled  many 
months  when  I  was  a  reporter  there  ten  or  twelve  years 
before.  He  might  be  alive  still;  he  might  be  dead; 
I  could  not  tell;  but  I  would  write  him,  anyway.  I 
began  by  merely  and  modestly  suggesting  that  he  make 
such  a  book;  but  my  interest  grew  as  I  went  on,  and  I 
ventured  to  map  out  what  I  thought  ought  to  be  the 
plan  of  the  work,  he  being  an  old  friend,  and  not  given 
to  taking  good  intentions  for  ill.  I  even  dealt  with 
details,  and  suggested  the  order  and  sequence  which 
they  should  follow.  I  was  about  to  put  the  manu- 
script in  an  envelope,  when  the  thought  occurred  to 
me  that  if  this  book  should  be  written  at  my  sugges- 
tion, and  then  no  publisher  happened  to  want  it,  I 
should  feel  uncomfortable ;  so  I  concluded  to  keep  my 
letter  back  until  I  should  have  secured  a  publisher.  I 
pigeon-holed  my  document,  and  dropped  a  note  to  my 
own  publisher,  asking  him  to  name  a  day  for  a  busi- 


Mental  Telegraphy  371 

ness    consultation.     He    was    out   of   town    on    a    far 
journey. 

My  note  remained  unanswered,  and  at  the  end  of 
three  or  four  days  the  whole  matter  had  passed  out  of 
my  mind.  On  the  9th  of  March  the  postman  brought 
three  or  four  letters,  and  among  them  a  thick  one 
whose  superscription  was  in  a  hand  which  seemed 
dimly  familiar  to  me.  I  could  not  "  place  "  it  at  first, 
but  presently  I  succeeded.  Then  I  said  to  a  visiting 
relative  who  was  present: 

"  Now  I  will  do  a  miracle.  I  will  tell  you  every- 
thing this  letter  contains  —  date,  signature,  and  all  — 
without  breaking  the  seal.  It  is  from  a  Mr.  Wright, 
of  Virginia,  Nevada,  and  is  dated  the  2d  of  March  — 
seven  days  ago.  Mr.  Wright  proposes  to  make  a  book 
about  the  silver  mines  and  the  Great  Bonanza,  and 
asks  what  I,  as  a  friend,  think  of  the  idea.  He  says 
his  subjects  are  to  be  so  and  so,  their  order  and 
sequence  so  and  so,  and  he  will  close  with  a  history  of 
the  chief  feature  of  the  book,  the  Great  Bonanza." 

I  opened  the  letter,  and  showed  that  I  had  stated  the 
date  and  the  contents  correctly.  Mr.  Wright's  letter 
simply  contained  what  my  own  letter,  written  on  the 
same  date,  contained,  and  mine  still  lay  in  its  pigeon- 
hole, where  it  had  been  lying  during  the  seven  days 
since  it  was  written. 

There  was  no  clairvoyance  about  this,  if  I  rightly 
comprehend  what  clairvoyance  is.  I  think  the  clair- 
voyant professes  to  actually  see  concealed  writing,  and 
read  it  off  word  for  word.  This  was  not  my  case.  I 
only  seemed  to  know,  and  to  know  absolutely,  the 
contents  of  the  letter  in  detail  and  due  order,  but  I  had 
to  word  them  myself.  I  translated  them,  so  to  speak, 
out  of  Wright's  language  into  my  own. 

Wright's  letter  and  the  one  which  I  had  written  to 
him  but  never  sent  were  in  substance  the  same. 
x*** 


572  Mental  Telegraphy 

Necessarily  this  could  not  come  by  accident;  such 
elaborate  accidents  cannot  happen.  Chance  might 
have  duplicated  one  or  two  of  the  details,  but  she 
would  have  broken  down  on  the  rest.  I  could  not 
doubt  —  there  was  no  tenable  reason  for  doubting  — 
that  Mr.  Wright's  mind  and  mine  had  been  in  close 
and  crystal-clear  communication  with  each  other  across 
three  thousand  miles  of  mountain  and  desert  on  the 
morning  of  the  2d  of  March.  I  did  not  consider  that 
both  minds  originated  that  succession  of  ideas,  but 
that  one  mind  originated  it,  and  simply  telegraphed  it 
to  the  other.  I  was  curious  to  know  which  brain  was 
the  telegrapher  and  which  the  receiver,  so  I  wrote  and 
asked  for  particulars.  Mr.  Wright's  reply  showed  that 
his  mind  had  done  the  originating  and  telegraphing, 
arid  mine  the  receiving.  Mark  that  significant  thing 
now;  consider  for  a  moment  how  many  a  splendid 
44  original  "  idea  has  been  unconsciously  stolen  from  a 
man  three  thousand  miles  away !  If  one  should  ques- 
tion that  this  is  so,  let  him  look  into  the  cyclopaedia 
and  con  once  more  that  curious  thing  in  the  history  of 
inventions  which  has  puzzled  every  one  so  much  — 
that  is,  the  frequency  with  which  the  same  machine  or 
other  contrivance  has  been  invented  at  the  same  time 
by  several  persons  in  different  quarters  of  the  globe. 
The  world  was  without  an  electric  telegraph  for  several 
thousand  years ;  then  Professor  Henry,  the  American, 
Wheatstone  in  England,  Morse  on  the  sea,  and  a 
German  in  Munich,  all  invented  it  at  the  same  time. 
The  discovery  of  certain  ways  of  applying  steam  was 
made  in  two  or  three  countries  in  the  same  year.  Is  it 
not  possible  that  inventors  are  constantly  and  unwit- 
tingly stealing  each  other's  ideas  whilst  they  stand 
thousands  of  miles  asunder? 

Last  spring  a  literary  friend  of  mine,*  who  lived  a 

~*  W.  D.  Howells. 


Mental  Telegraphy  373 

hundred  miles  away,  paid  me  a  visit,  and  in  the  course 
of  our  talk  he  said  he  had  made  a  discovery  —  con- 
ceived an  entirely  new  idea  —  one  which  certainly  had 
never  been  used  in  literature.  He  told  me  what  it  was. 
I  handed  him  a  manuscript,  and  said  he  would  find 
substantially  the  same  idea  in  that  —  a  manuscript 
which  I  had  written  a  week  before.  The  idea  had 
been  in  my  mind  since  the  previous  November ;  it  had 
only  entered  his  while  I  was  putting  it  on  paper,  a 
week  gone  by.  He  had  not  yet  written  his ;  so  he  left 
it  unwritten,  and  gracefully  made  over  all  his  right  and 
title  in  the  idea  to  me. 

The  following  statement,  which  I  have  clipped  from 
a  newspaper,  is  true.  I  had  the  facts  from  Mr. 
Howells's  lips  when  the  episode  was  new: 

"A  remarkable  story  of  a  literary  coincidence  is  told  of  Mr.  Howells's 
Atlantic  Monthly  serial  '  Dr.  Breen's  Practice.'  A  lady  of  Rochester,  New 
York,  contributed  to  the  magazine,  after  *  Dr.  Breen's  Practice '  was  in 
type,  a  short  story  which  so  much  resembled  Mr.  Howells's  that  he  felt  it 
necessary  to  call  upon  her  and  explain  the  situation  of  affairs  in  order  that 
no  charge  of  plagiarism  might  be  preferred  against  him.  He  showed  her 
the  proof-sheets  of  his  story,  and  satisfied  her  that  the  similarity  between 
her  work  and  his  was  one  of  those  strange  coincidences  which  have  from 
time  to  time  occurred  in  the  literary  world." 

I  had  read  portions  of  Mr.  Howells's  story,  both  in 
MS.  and  in  proof,  before  the  lady  offered  her  contribu- 
tion to  the  magazine. 

Here  is  another  case.     I  clip  it  from  a  newspaper: 

"The  republication  of  Miss  Alcott's  novel  '  Moods'  recalls  to  a  writer 
in  the  Boston  Post  a  singular  coincidence  which  was  brought  to  light  before 
the  book  was  first  published :  *  Miss  Anna  M.  Crane,  of  Baltimore,  published 
*  Emily  Chester,'  a  novel  which  was  pronounced  a  very  striking  and  strong 
story.  A  comparison  of  this  book  with  *  Moods '  showed  that  the  two 
writers,  though  entire  strangers  to  each  other,  and  living  hundreds  of  miles 
apart,  had  both  chosen  the  same  subject  for  their  novels,  had  followed  almost 
the  same  line  of  treatment  up  to  a  certain  point,  where  the  parallel  ceased, 
and  the  denouements  were  entirely  opposite.  And  even  more  curious,  the 


374  Mental  Telegraphy 

Seading  characters  in  both  books  had  identically  the  same  names,  so  that  the 
names  in  Miss  Alcott's  novel  had  to  be  changed.  Then  the  book  was  pub- 
lished by  Loring.'  " 

Four  or  five  times  within  my  recollection  there  has 
been  a  lively  newspaper  war  in  this  country  over  poems 
whose  authorship  was  claimed  by  two  or  three  different 
people  at  the  same  time.  There  was  a  war  of  this  kind 
over  "  Nothing  to  Wear,"  "  Beautiful  Snow,"  "  Rock 
me  to  Sleep,  Mother,"  and  also  over  one  of  Mr.  Will 
Carleton's  early  ballads,  I  think.  These  were  all 
blameless  cases  of  unintentional  and  unwitting  mental 
telegraphy,  I  judge. 

A  word  more  as  to  Mr.  Wright.  He  had  had  his 
book  in  mind  some  time;  consequently  he,  and  not  I, 
had  originated  the  idea  of  it.  The  subject  was  entirely 
foreign  to  my  thoughts;  I  was  wholly  absorbed  in 
other  things.  Yet  this  friend,  whom  I  had  not  seen 
and  had  hardly  thought  of  for  eleven  years,  was  able 
to  shoot  his  thoughts  at  me  across  three  thousand 
miles  of  country,  and  fill  my  head  with  them,  to  the 
exclusion  of  every  other  interest,  in  a  single  moment. 
He  had  begun  his  letter  after  finishing  his  work  on  the 
morning  paper  —  a  little  after  three  o'clock,  he  said. 
When  it  was  three  in  the  morning  in  Nevada  it  was 
about  six  in  Hartford,  where  I  lay  awake  thinking 
about  nothing  in  particular ;  and  just  about  that  time 
his  ideas  came  pouring  into  my  head  from  across  the 
continent,  and  I  got  up  and  put  them  on  paper,  under 
the  impression  that  they  were  my  own  original  thoughts. 

I  have  never  seen  any  mesmeric  or  clairvoyant  per- 
formances or  spiritual  manifestations  which  were  in  the 
least  degree  convincing  —  a  fact  which  is  not  of  conse- 
quence, since  my  opportunities  have  been  meager;  but 
I  am  forced  to  believe  that  one  human  mind  (still  in- 
habiting the  flesh)  can  communicate  with  another,  over 
any  sort  of  a  distance,  and  without  any  artificial 


Mental  Telegraphy  375 

preparation  of  "  sympathetic  conditions  "  to  act  as  a 
transmitting  agent.  I  suppose  that  when  the  sympa- 
thetic conditions  happen  to  exist  the  two  minds  com- 
municate with  each  other,  and  that  otherwise  they 
don't;  and  I  suppose  that  if  the  sympathetic  condi- 
tions could  be  kept  up  right  along,  the  two  minds 
would  continue  to  correspond  without  limit  as  to  time. 
Now  there  is  that  curious  thing  which  happens  to 
everybody :  suddenly  a  succession  of  thoughts  or  sen- 
sations flocks  in  upon  you,  which  startles  you  with  the 
weird  idea  that  you  have  ages  ago  experienced  just  this 
succession  of  thoughts  or  sensations  in  a  previous 
existence.  The  previous  existence  is  possible,  no 
doubt,  but  I  am  persuaded  that  the  solution  of  this 
hoary  mystery  lies  not  there,  but  in  the  fact  that  some 
far-off  stranger  has  been  telegraphing  his  thoughts  and 
sensations  into  your  consciousness,  and  that  he  stopped 
because  some  counter-current  or  other  obstruction  in- 
truded and  broke  the  line  of  communication.  Perhaps 
they  seem  repetitions  to  you  because  they  are  repeti- 
tions, got  at  second  hand  from  the  other  man.  Possibly 
Mr.  Brown,  the  "  mind-reader/'  reads  other  people's 
minds,  possibly  he  does  not;  but  I  know  of  a  surety 
that  I  have  read  another  man's  mind,  and  therefore  I 
do  not  see  why  Mr.  Brown  shouldn't  do  the  like  also. 

I  wrote  the  foregoing  about  three  years  ago,  in 
Heidelberg,  and  laid  the  manuscript  aside,  purposing 
to  add  to  it  instances  of  mind-telegraphing  from  time 
to  time  as  they  should  fall  under  my  experience. 
Meantime  the  "  crossing  "  of  letters  has  been  so  fre- 
quent as  to  become  monotonous.  However,  I  have 
managed  to  get  something  useful  out  of  this  hint ;  for 
now,  when  I  get  tired  of  waiting  upon  a  man  whom  I 
very  much  wish  to  hear  from,  I  sit  down  and  compel 
him  to  write,  whether  he  wants  to  or  not;  that  is  to 


376  Mental  Telegraphy 

say,  I  sit  down  and  write  him,  and  then  tear  my  lettei 
up,  satisfied  that  my  act  has  forced  him  to  write  me  at 
the  same  moment.  I  do  not  need  to  mail  my  letter  — 
the  writing  it  is  the  only  essential  thing. 

Of  course  I  have  grown  superstitious  about  this 
letter-crossing  business  —  this  was  natural.  We  stayed 
awhile  in  Venice  after  leaving  Heidelberg.  One  day  I 
was  going  down  the  Grand  Canal  in  a  gondola,  when 
I  heard  a  shout  behind  me,  and  looked  around  to  see 
what  the  matter  was ;  a  gondola  was  rapidly  following, 
and  the  gondolier  was  making  signs  to  me  to  stop.  I 
did  so,  and  the  pursuing  boat  ranged  up  alongside. 
There  was  an  American  lady  in  it  —  a  resident  of 
Venice.  She  was  in  a  good  deal  of  distress.  She  said : 

"  There's  a  New  York  gentleman  and  his  wife  at  the 
Hotel  Britannia  who  arrived  a  week  ago,  expecting  to 
find  news  of  their  son,  whom  they  have  heard  nothing 
about  during  eight  months.  There  was  no  news.  The 
lady  is  down  sick  with  despair;  the  gentleman  can't 
sleep  or  eat.  Their  son  arrived  at  San  Francisco  eight 
months  ago,  and  announced  the  fact  in  a  letter  to  his 
parents  the  same  day.  That  is  the  last  trace  of  him. 
The  parents  have  been  in  Europe  ever  since ;  but  their 
trip  has  been  spoiled,  for  they  have  occupied  their  time 
simply  in  drifting  restlessly  from  place  to  place,  and 
writing  letters  everywhere  and  to  everybody,  begging 
for  news  of  their  son;  but  the  mystery  remains  as 
dense  as  ever.  Now  the  gentleman  wants  to  stop 
writing  and  go  to  cabling.  He  wants  to  cable  San 
Francisco.  He  has  never  done  it  before,  because  he  is 
afraid  of — of  he  doesn't  know  what — death  of  his 
son,  no  doubt.  But  he  wants  somebody  to  advise  him 
to  cable;  wants  me  to  do  it.  Now  I  simply  can't;  for 
if  no  news  came,  that  mother  yonder  would  die.  So  I 
have  chased  you  up  in  order  to  get  you  to  support  me 
in  urging  him  to  be  patient,  and  put  the  thing  off  a 


Mental  Telegraphy  377 

week  or  two  longer;  it  may  be  the  saving  of  this  lady 
Come  along;   let's  not  lose  any  time." 

So  I  went  along,  but  I  had  a  programme  of  my  own. 
When  I  was  introduced  to  the  gentleman  I  said:  "I 
have  some  superstitions,  but  they  are  worthy  of  re- 
spect. If  you  will  cable  San  Francisco  immediately, 
you  will  hear  news  of  your  son  inside  of  twenty-four 
hours.  I  don't  know  that  you  will  get  the  news  from 
San  Francisco,  but  you  will  get  it  from  somewhere. 
The  only  necessary  thing  is  to  cable  —  that  is  all.  The 
news  will  come  within  twenty-four  hours.  Cable 
Peking,  if  you  prefer ;  there  is  no  choice  in  this  matter. 
This  delay  is  all  occasioned  by  your  not  cabling  long 
ago,  when  you  were  first  moved  to  do  it." 

It  seems  absurd  that  this  gentleman  should  have 
been  cheered  up  by  this  nonsense,  but  he  was;  he 
brightened  up  at  once,  and  sent  his  cablegram;  and 
next  day,  at  noon,  when  a  long  letter  arrived  from  his 
lost  son,  the  man  was  as  grateful  to  me  'as  if  I  had 
really  had  something  to  do  with  the  hurrying  up  of 
that  letter.  The  son  had  shipped  from  San  Francisco 
in  a  sailing  vessel,  and  his  letter  was  written  from  the 
first  port  he  touched  at,  months  afterwards. 

This  incident  argues  nothing,  and  is  valueless.  I 
insert  it  only  to  show  how  strong  is  the  superstition 
which  "  letter-crossing  "  has  bred  in  me.  I  was  so 
sure  that  a  cablegram  sent  to  any  place,  no  matter 
where,  would  defeat  itself  by  "  crossing  "  the  incoming 
news,  that  my  confidence  was  able  to  raise  up  a  hope- 
less man,  and  make  him  cheery  and  hopeful. 

But  here  are  two  or  three  incidents  which  come 
strictly  under  the  head  of  mind-telegraphing.  One 
Monday  morning,  about  a  year  ago,  the  mail  came  in, 
and  I  picked  up  one  of  the  letters  and  said  to  a  friend : 
4  Without  opening  this  tetter  I  will  tell  you  what  it 
says.  It  is  from  Mrs.  ,  and  she  says  she  was 


578  Mental  Telegraphy 

in  New  York  last  Saturday,  and  was  purposing  to  run 
up  here  in  the  afternoon  train  and  surprise  us,  but  at 
the  last  moment  changed  her  mind  and  returned  west- 
ward to  her  home." 

I  was  right;  my  details  were  exactly  correct.  Yet 

we  had  had  no  suspicion  that  Mrs.  was  coming 

to  New  York,  or  that  she  had  even  a  remote  intention 
of  visiting  us. 

I  smoke  a  good  deal  —  that  is  to  say,  all  the  time  — 
so,  during  seven  years,  I  have  tried  to  keep  a  box  of 
matches  handy,  behind  a  picture  on  the  mantel-piece ; 
but  I  have  had  to  take  it  out  in  trying,  because  George 
(colored),  who  makes  the  fires  and  lights  the  gas, 
always  uses  my  matches,  and  never  replaces  them. 
Commands  and  persuasions  have  gone  for  nothing  with 
him  all  these  seven  years.  One  day  last  summer,  when 
our  family  had  been  away  from  home  several  months, 
I  said  to  a  member  of  the  household : 

"  Now,  with  all  this  long  holiday,  and  nothing  in  the 
way  to  interrupt — " 

"  I  can  finish  the  sentence  for  you,"  said  the  mem- 
ber of  the  household. 

"  Do  it,  then,"  said  I. 

"  George  ought  to  be  able,  by  practicing,  to  learn 
to  let  those  matches  alone." 

It  was  correctly  done.  That  was  what  I  was  going 
to  say.  Yet  until  that  moment  George  and  the  matches 
had  not  been  in  my  mind  for  three  months,  and  it  is 
plain  that  the  part  of  the  sentence  which  I  uttered 
offers  not  the  least  cue  or  suggestion  of  what  I  was 
purposing  to  follow  it  with. 

My  mother*  is  descended  from  the  younger  of  two 
English  brothers  named  Lambton,  who  settled  in  this 
country  a  few  generations  ago.  The  tradition  goes 
that  the  elder  of  the  two  eventually  fell  heir  to  a  certain 

*  She  was  still  living  when  this  was  written. 


Mental  Telegraphy  379 

estate  in  England  (now  an  earldom),  and  died  right 
away.  This  has  always  been  the  way  with  our  family. 
They  always  die  when  they  could  make  anything  by 
not  doing  it.  The  two  Lambtons  left  plenty  of  Lamb- 
tons  behind  them ;  and  when  at  last,  about  fifty  years 
ago,  the  English  baronetcy  was  exalted  to  an  earldom, 
the  great  tribe  of  American  Lambtons  began  to  bestir 
themselves  —  that  is,  those  descended  from  the  elder 
branch.  Ever  since  that  day  one  or  another  of  these 
has  been  fretting  his  life  uselessly  away  with  schemes 
to  get  at  his  "  rights."  The  present  "  rightful  earl  " 
—  I  mean  the  American  one  —  used  to  write  me  occa- 
sionally, and  try  to  interest  me  in  his  projected  raids 
upon  the  title  and  estates  by  offering  me  a  share  in  the 
latter  portion  of  the  spoil ;  but  I  have  always  managed 
to  resist  his  temptations. 

Well,  one  day  last  summer  I  was  lying  under  a  tree, 
thinking  about  nothing  in  particular,  when  an  absurd 
idea  flashed  into  my  head,  and  I  said  to  a  member  of 
the  household,  "  Suppose  I  should  live  to  be  ninety- 
two,  and  dumb  and  blind  and  toothless,  and  just  as  I 
was  gasping  out  what  was  left  of  me  on  my  deathbed  — ' ' 

"  Wait,  I  will  finish  the  sentence,"  said  a  member  of 
the  household. 

"  Go  on,"  said  I. 

"  Somebody  should  rush  in  with  a  document,  and 
say,  '  All  the  other  heirs  are  dead,  and  you  are  the 
Earl  of  Durham!'  " 

That  is  truly  what  I  was  going  to  say.  Yet  until 
that  moment  the  subject  had  not  entered  my  mind  or 
been  referred  to  in  my  hearing  for  months  before.  A 
few  years  ago  this  thing  would  have  astounded  me, 
but  the  like  could  not  much  surprise  me  now,  though 
it  happened  every  week ;  for  I  think  I  know  now  that 
mind  can  communicate  accurately  with  mind  without 
the  aid  of  the  slow  and  clumsy  vehicle  of  speech. 


380  Mental  Telegraphy 

This  age  does  seem  to  have  exhausted  ^ 
nearly;  still,  it  has  one  important  contracc  on  rt?.  nands 
yet  —  the  invention  of  the  phrenophone  ;  that  is  to  say, 
a  method  whereby  the  communicating  of  mind  with 
mind  may  be  brought  under  command  and  reduced  to 
certainty  and  system.  The  telegraph  and  the  tele- 
phone are  going  to  become  too  slow  and  wordy  for  our 
needs.  We  must  have  the  thought  itself  shot  into  our 
minds  from  a  distance;  then,  if  we  need  to  put  it  into 
words,  we  can  do  that  tedious  work  at  our  leisure. 
Doubtless  the  something  which  conveys  our  thoughts 
through  the  air  from  brain  to  brain  is  a  finer  and 
subtler  form  of  electricity,  and  all  we  need  do  is  to  find 
out  how  to  capture  it  and  how  to  force  it  to  do  its 
work,  as  we  have  had  to  do  in  the  case  of  the  electric 
currents.  Before  the  day  of  telegraphs  neither  one  of 
these  marvels  would  have  seemed  any  easier  to  achieve 
than  the  other. 

While  I  am  writing  this,  doubtless  somebody  on 
the  other  side  of  the  globe  is  writing  it,  too.  The 
question  is,  am  I  inspiring  him  or  is  he  inspiring  me? 
I  cannot  answer  that;  but  that  these  thoughts  have 
been  passing  through  somebody  else's  mind  all  the 
time  I  have  been  setting  them  down  I  have  no  sort 
of  doubt. 

I  will  close  this  paper  with  a  remark  which  I  found 
some  time  ago  in  Boswell's  Johnson  : 

"Voltaire's  Candide  is  wonderfully  similar  in  its 
plan  and  conduct  to  Johnson's  Rasselas ;  insomuch 
that  I  have  heard  Johnson  say  that  if  they  had  not 
been  published  so  closely  one  after  the  other  that  there 
was  not  time  for  imitation,  it  would  have  been  in  vain 
to  deny  that  the  scheme  of  that  which  came  latest  was 
taken  from  the  other. ' ' 

The  two  men  were  widely  separated  from  each  other 
at  the  time,  and  the  sea  lay  between  them. 


Mental  Telegraphy  38! 

POSTSCRIPT. 

In  the  Atlantic  for  June,  1882,  Mr.  John  Fiske  refers 
to  the  often-quoted  Darwin-and-Wallace  "  coinci- 
dence ": 

"  I  alluded,  just  now,  to  the  'unforeseen  circumstance'  which  led  Mr. 
Darwin  in  1859  to  break  his  long  silence,  and  to  write  and  publish  the 
Origin  of  Species.  This  circumstance  served,  no  less  than  the  extraordinary 
success  of  his  book,  to  show  how  ripe  the  minds  of  men  had  become  for 
entertaining  such  views  as  those  which  Mr.  Darwin  propounded.  In  1858 
Mr.  Wallace,  who  was  then  engaged  in  studying  the  natural  history  of  the 
Malay  Archipelago,  sent  to  Mr.  Darwin  (as  the  man  most  likely  to  under- 
stand him)  a  paper  in  which  he  sketched  the  outlines  of  a  theory  identical 
with  that  upon  which  Mr.  Darwin  had  so  long  been  at  work.  The  same 
sequence  of  observed  facts  and  inferences  that  had  led  Mr.  Darwin  to  the 
discovery  of  natural  selection  and  its  consequences  had  led  Mr.  Wallace  to 
the  very  threshold  of  the  same  discovery;  but  in  Mr.  Wallace's  mind  the 
theory  had  by  no  means  been  wrought  out  to  the  same  degree  of  complete- 
ness to  which  it  had  been  wrought  in  the  mind  of  Mr.  Darwin.  In  the 
preface  to  his  charming  book  on  Natural  Selection,  Mr.  Wallace,  with  rare 
modesty  and  candor,  acknowledges  that  whatever  value  his  speculations 
may  have  had,  they  have  been  utterly  surpassed  in  richness  and  cogency  of 
proof  by  those  of  Mr.  Darwin.  This  is  no  doubt  true,  and  Mr.  Wallace 
has  done  such  good  work  in  further  illustration  of  the  theory  that  he  can 
well  afford  to  rest  content  with  the  second  place  in  the  first  announcement 
of  it. 

"The  coincidence,  however,  between  Mr.  Wallace's  conclusions  and 
those  of  Mr.  Darwin  was  very  remarkable.  But,  after  all,  coincidences  of 
this  sort  have  not  been  uncommon  in  the  history  of  scientific  inquiry.  Nor 
is  it  at  all  surprising  that  they  should  occur  now  and  then,  when  we  remem- 
ber that  a  great  and  pregnant  discovery  must  always  be  concerned  with 
some  question  which  many  of  the  foremost  minds  in  the  world  are  busy 
thinking  about.  It  was  so  with  the  discovery  of  the  differential  calculus, 
and  again  with  the  discovery  of  the  planet  Neptune.  It  was  so  with  the 
interpretation  of  the  Egyptian  hieroglyphics,  and  with  the  establishment  of 
the  undulatory  theory  of  light.  It  was  so,  to  a  considerable  extent,  with 
tb*  introduction  of  the  new  chemistry,  with  the  discovery  of  the  mechanical 
equivalent  of  heat,  and  the  whole  doctrine  of  the  correlation  of  forces.  It 
was  so  with  the  invention  of  the  electric  telegraph  and  with  the  discovery  of 

25A 


J82  Mental  Telegraphy 

spectrum  analysis.     And  it  is  not  at  all  strange  that  it  should  have  been  so 
with  the  doctrine  of  the  origin  of  species  through  natural  selection." 

He  thinks  these  "  coincidences  "  were  apt  to  happen 
because  the  matters  from  which  they  sprang  were  mat- 
ters which  many  of  the  foremost  minds  in  the  world 
were  busy  thinking  about.  But  perhaps  one  man  in 
each  case  did  the  telegraphing  to  the  others.  The 
aberrations  which  gave  Leverrier  the  idea  that  there 
must  be  a  planet  of  such  and  such  mass  and  such  and 
such  orbit  hidden  from  sight  out  yonder  in  the  remote 
abysses  of  space  were  not  new ;  they  had  been  noticed 
by  astronomers  for  generations.  Then  why  should  it 
happen  to  occur  to  three  people,  widely  separated  — 
Leverrier,  Mrs.  Somerville,  and  Adams  —  to  suddenly 
go  to  worrying  about  those  aberrations  all  at  the  same 
time,  and  set  themselves  to  work  to  find  out  what 
caused  them,  and  to  measure  and  weigh  an  invisible 
planet,  and  calculate  its  orbit,  and  hu^nt  it  down  and 
catch  it?  —  a  strange  project  which  nobody  but  they 
had  ever  thought  of  before.  If  one  astronomer  had 
invented  that  odd  and  happy  project  fifty  years  before, 
don't  you  think  he  would  have  telegraphed  it  to  several 
others  without  knowing  ii? 

But  now  I  come  to  a  puzzler.  How  is  it  that 
inanimate  objects  are  able  to  affect  the  mind  ?  They 
seem  to  do  that.  However,  I  wish  to  throw  in  a 
parenthesis  first  —  just  a  reference  to  a  thing  every- 
body is  familiar  with  —  the  experience  of  receiving  a 
clear  and  particular  answer  to  your  telegram  before 
your  telegram  has  reached  the  sender  of  the  answer. 
That  is  a  case  where  your  telegram  has  gone  straight 
from  your  brain  to  the  man  it  was  meant  for,  far  out- 
stripping the  wire's  slow  electricity,  and  it  is  an  exer- 
cise of  mental  telegraphy  which  is  as  common  as 
dining.  To  return  to  the  influence  of  inanimate  things. 
In  the  cases  of  non-professional  clairvoyance  examined 


Mental  Telegraphy  383 

by  the  Psychical  Society  the  clairvoyant  has  usually 
been  blindfolded,  then  some  object  which  has  been 
touched  or  worn  by  a  person  is  placed  in  his  hand ; 
the  clairvoyant  immediately  describes  that  person,  and 
goes  on  and  gives  a  history  of  some  event  with  which 
the  text  object  has  been  connected.  If  the  inanimate 
object  is  able  to  affect  and  inform  the  clairvoyant's 
mind,  maybe  it  can  do  the  same  when  it  is  working  in 
the  interest  of  mental  telegraphy.  Once  a  lady  in  the 
West  wrote  me  that  her  son  was  coming  to  New  York 
to  remain  three  weeks,  and  would  pay  me  a  visit  if 
invited,  and  she  gave  me  his  address.  I  mislaid  the 
letter,  and  forgot  all  about  the  matter  till  the  three 
weeks  were  about  up.  Then  a  sudden  and  fiery  irrup- 
tion of  remorse  burst  up  in  my  brain  that  illuminated 
all  the  region  round  about,  and  I  sat  down  at  once  and 
wrote  to  the  lady  and  asked  for  that  lost  address. 
But,  upon  reflection,  I  judged  that  the  stirring  up  of 
my  recollection  had  not  been  an  accident,  so  I  added  a 
postscript  to  say,  never  mind,  I  should  get  a  letter 
from  her  son  before  night.  And  I  did  get  it ;  for  the 
letter  was  already  in  the  town,  although  not  delivered 
yet.  It  had  influenced  me  somehow.  I  have  had  so 
many  experiences  of  this  sort  —  a  dozen  of  them  at 
least  —  that  I  am  nearly  persuaded  that  inanimate 
objects  do  not  confine  their  activities  to  helping  the 
clairvoyant,  but  do  every  now  and  then  give  the  mental 
telegraphist  a  lift. 

The  case  of  mental  telegraphy  which  I  am  coming 
to  now  comes  under  I  don't  exactly  know  what 
head.  I  clipped  it  from  one  of  our  local  papers 
six  or  eight  years  ago.  I  know  the  details  to  be  right 
and  true,  for  the  story  was  told  to  me  in  the  same 
form  by  one  of  the  two  persons  concerned  (a  clergy- 
man of  Hartford  ^  at  the  time  that  the  curious  thing 
happened : 


384  Mental  Telegraphy 

"A  REMARKABLE  COINCIDENCE. —  Strange  coincidences  make  the  most 
Interesting  of  stories  and  most  curious  of  studies.  Nobody  can  quite  say 
how  they  come  about,  but  everybody  appreciates  the  fact  when  they  do 
come,  and  it  is  seldom  that  any  more  complete  and  curious  coincidence  is 
recorded  of  minor  importance  than  the  following,  which  is  absolutely  true, 
and  occurred  in  this  city : 

"  At  the  time  of  the  building  of  one  of  the  finest  residences  of  Hartford, 
which  is  still  a  very  new  house,  a  local  firm  supplied  the  wall-paper  for 
certain  rooms,  contracting  both  to  furnish  and  to  put  on  the  paper.  It 
happened  that  they  did  not  calculate  the  size  of  one  room  exactly  right,  and 
the  paper  of  the  design  selected  for  it  fell  short  just  half  a  roll.  They  asked 
for  delay  enough  to  send  on  to  the  manufacturers  for  what  was  needed,  and 
were  told  that  there  was  no  especial  hurry.  It  happened  that  the  manu- 
facturers had  none  on  hand,  and  had  destroyed  the  blocks  from  which  it 
was  printed.  They  wrote  that  they  had  a  full  list  of  the  dealers  to  whom 
they  had  sold  that  paper,  and  that  they  would  write  to  each  of  these,  and 
get  from  some  of  them  a  roll.  It  might  involve  a  delay  of  a  couple  of 
weeks,  but  they  would  surely  get  it. 

"  In  the  course  of  time  came  a  letter  saying  that,  to  their  great  surprise, 
they  could  not  find  a  single  roll.  Such  a  thing  was  very  unusual,  but  in 
this  case  it  had  so  happened.  Accordingly  the  local  firm  asked  for  further 
time,  saying  they  would  write  to  their  own  customers  who  had  bought  of 
that  patteni,  and  would  get  the  piece  from  them.  But  to  their  surprise, 
this  effort  also  failed.  A  long  time  had  now  elapsed,  and  there  was  no  use 
of  delaying  any  longer.  They  had  contracted  to  paper  the  room,  and  their 
only  course  was  to  take  off  that  which  was  insufficient  and  put  on  some 
other  of  which  there  was  enough  to  go  around.  Accordingly  at  length  a 
man  was  sent  out  to  remove  the  paper.  He  got  his  apparatus  ready,  and 
was  about  to  begin  to  work,  under  the  direction  of  the  owner  of  the  build- 
ing, when  the  latter  was  for  the  moment  called  away.  The  house  was  large 
and  very  interesting,  and  so  many  people  had  rambled  about  it  that  finally 
admission  had  been  refused  by  a  sign  at  the  door.  On  the  occasion,  how- 
ever, when  a  gentleman  had  knocked  and  asked  for  leave  to  look  about,  the 
owner,  being  on  the  premises,  had  been  sent  for  to  reply  to  the  request  in 
person.  That  was  the  call  that  for  the  moment  delayed  the  final  prepara- 
tions. The  gentleman  went  to  the  door  and  admitted  the  stranger,  saying 
he  would  show  him  about  the  house,  but  first  must  return  for  a  moment  to 
that  room  to  finish  his  directions  there,  and  he  told  the  curious  story  about 
the  paper  as  they  went  on.  They  entered  the  room  together,  and  the  first 
thing  the  stranger,  who  lived  fifty  miles  away,  said  on  looking  about  was, 


Mental  Telegraphy  385 

« Why,  I  have  that  very  paper  on  a  room  in  my  house,  and  I  have  an  extra 
roll  of  it  laid  away,  which  is  at  your  service.'  In  a  few  days  the  wall  was 
papered  according  to  the  original  contract.  Had  not  the  owner  been  at  the 
house,  the  stranger  would  not  have  been  admitted;  had  he  called  a  day 
later,  it  would  have  been  too  late;  had  not  the  facts  been  almost  accidentally 
told  to  him,  he  would  probably  have  said  nothing  of  the  paper,  and  so  on. 
The  exact  fitting  of  all  the  circumstances  is  something  very  remarkable,  and 
makes  one  of  those  stories  that  seem  hardly  accidental  in  their  nature." 

Something  that  happened  the  other  day  brought  my 
hoary  MS.  to  mind,  and  that  is  how  I  came  to  dig  it 
out  from  its  dusty  pigeon-hole  grave  for  publication. 
The  thing  that  happened  was  a  question.  A  lady  asked 
it:  "  Have  you  ever  had  a  vision  —  when  awake?"  I 
was  about  to  answer  promptly,  when  the  last  two  words 
of  the  question  began  to  grow  and  spread  and  swell, 
and  presently  they  attained  to  vast  dimensions.  She 
did  not  know  that  they  were  important ;  and  I  did  not 
at  first,  but  I  soon  saw  that  they  were  putting  me  on 
the  track  of  the  solution  of  a  mystery  which  had  per- 
plexed me  a  good  deal.  You  will  see  what  I  mean 
when  I  get  down  to  it.  Ever  since  the  English  Society 
for  Psychical  Research  began  its  investigations  of  ghost 
stories,  haunted  houses,  and  apparitions  of  the  living 
and  the  dead,  I  have  read  their  pamphlets  with  avidity 
as  fast  as  they  arrived.  Now  one  of  their  commonest 
inquiries  of  a  dreamer  or  a  vision-seer  is,  "  Are  you 
sure  you  were  awake  at  the  time?"  If  the  man  can't 
say  he  is  sure  he  was  awake,  a  doubt  falls  upon  his  tale 
right  there.  But  if  he  is  positive  he  was  awake,  and 
offers  reasonable  evidence  to  substantiate  it,  the  fact 
counts  largely  for  the  credibility  of  this  story.  It  does 
with  the  society,  and  it  did  with  me  until  that  lady 
asked  me  the  above  question  the  other  day. 

The  question  set  me  to  considering,  and  brought  me 
to  the  conclusion  that  you  can  be  asleep  —  at  least, 
wholly  unconscious  —  for  a  time,  and  not  suspect  that 
25*** 


386  Mental  Telegraphy 

it  has  happened,  and  not  have  any  way  to  prove  that  it 
has  happened.  A  memorable  case  was  in  my  mind. 
About  a  year  ago  I  was  standing  on  the  porch  one 
day,  when  I  saw  a  man  coming  up  the  walk.  He  was 
a  stranger,  and  I  hoped  he  would  ring  and  carry  his 
business  into  the  house  without  stopping  to  argue  with 
me ;  he  would  have  to  pass  the  front  door  to  get  to 
me,  and  I  hoped  he  wouldn't  take  the  trouble;  to 
help,  I  tried  to  look  like  a  stranger  myself  —  it  often 
works.  I  was  looking  straight  at  that  man;  he  had 
got  to  within  ten  feet  of  the  door  and  within  twenty- 
five  feet  of  me  —  and  suddenly  he  disappeared.  It 
was  as  astounding  as  if  a  church  should  vanish  from 
before  your  face  and  leave  nothing  behind  it  but  a 
vacant  lot.  I  was  unspeakably  delighted.  I  had  seen 
an  apparition  at  last,  with  my  own  eyes,  in  broad  day- 
light. I  made  up  my  mind  to  write  an  account  of  it 
to  the  society.  I  ran  to  where  the  specter  had  been, 
to  make  sure  he  was  playing  fair,  then  I  ran  to  the 
other  end  of  the  porch,  scanning  the  open  grounds  as  I 
went.  No,  everything  was  perfect;  he  couldn't  have 
escaped  without  my  seeing  him ;  he  was  an  apparition, 
without  the  slightest  doubt,  and  I  would  write  him  up 
before  he  was  cold.  I  ran,  hot  with  excitement,  and 
let  myself  in  with  a  latch-key.  When  I  stepped  into 
the  hall  my  lungs  collapsed  and  my  heart  stood  still. 
For  there  sat  that  same  apparition  in  a  chair  all  alone, 
and  as  quiet  and  reposeful  as  if  he  had  come  to  stay  a 
year !  The  shock  kept  me  dumb  for  a  moment  or  two, 
then  I  said,  "  Did  you  come  in  at  that  door?" 
"Yes." 

"  Did  you  open  it,  or  did  you  ring?" 
"  I  rang,  and  the  colored  man  opened  it." 
I  said   to   myself:    "This  is   astonishing.     It  takes 
George    all  of   two   minutes    to   answer   the   door-bell 
when  he  is  in  a  hurry,  and  I  have  never  see  him   in  a 


Mental  Telegraphy  387 

hurry.  How  did  this  man  stand  two  minutes  at  that 
door,  within  five  steps  of  me,  and  I  did  not  see  him?" 

I  should  have  gone  to  my  grave  puzzling  over  that 
riddle  but  for  that  lady's  chance  question  last  week: 
"Have  you  ever  had  a  vision  —  when  awake?"  It 
stands  explained  now.  During  at  least  sixty  seconds 
that  day  I  was  asleep,  or  at  least  totally  unconscious, 
without  suspecting  it.  In  that  interval  the  man  came 
to  my  immediate  vicinity,  rang,  stood  there  and  waited, 
then  entered  and  closed  the  door,  and  I  did  not  see 
him  and  did  not  hear  the  door  slam. 

If  he  had  slipped  around  the  house  in  that  interval 
and  gone  into  the  cellar  —  he  had  time  enough  —  I 
should  have  written  him  up  for  the  society,  and  mag- 
nified him,  and  gloated  over  him,  and  hurrahed  about 
him,  and  thirty  yoke  of  oxen  could  not  have  pulled 
the  belief  out  of  me  that  I  was  of  the  favored  ones  of 
the  earth,  and  had  seen  a  vision  —  while  wide  awake. 

Now  how  are  you  to  tell  when  you  are  awake? 
What  are  you  to  go  by?  People  bite  their  fingers  to 
find  out.  Why,  you  can  do  that  in  a  dream. 


A  CURE  FOR  THE  BLUES 

BY  courtesy  of  Mr.  Cable  I  came  into  possession  of 
a  singular  book  eight  or  ten  years  ago.     It  is 
likely  that  mine  is   now  the  only  copy  in  existence. 
Its  title-page,  unabbreviated,  reads  as  follows: 

4  The  Enemy  Conquered ;  or,  Love  Triumphant. 
By  G.  Ragsdale  McClintock,*  author  of  '  An  Address,' 
etc.,  delivered  at  Sunflower  Hill,  South  Carolina,  and 
member  of  the  Yale  Law  School.  New  Haven :  pub- 
lished by  T.  H.  Pease,  83  Chapel  street,  1845." 

No  one  can  take  up  this  book,  and  lay  it  down  again 
unread.  Whoever  reads  one  line  of  it  is  caught,  is 
chained;  he  has  become  the  contented  slave  of  its 
fascinations;  and  he  will  read  and  read,  devour  and 
devour,  and  will  not  let  it  go  out  of  his  hand  till  it  is 
finished  to  the  last  line,  though  the  house  be  on  fire 
over  his  head.  And  after  a  first  reading  he  will  not 
throw  it  aside,  but  will  keep  it  by  him,  with  his 
Shakespeare  and  his  Homer,  and  will  take  it  up  many 
and  many  a  time,  when  the  world  is  dark  and  his  spirits 
are  low,  and  be  straightway  cheered  and  refreshed. 
Yet  this  work  has  been  allowed  to  lie  wholly  neglected, 
unmentioned,  and  apparently  unregretted,  for  nearly 
half  a  century. 

The  reader  must  not  imagine  that  he  is  to  find  in  it 
wisdom,  brilliancy,  fertility  of  invention,  ingenuity  of 

*  The  name  here  given  is  a  substitute  for  the  one  actually  attached  to 
the  pamphlet. 

(388) 


A  Cure  for  the  Blue?  389 

construction,  excellence  of  form,  purity  of  style,  per- 
fection  of  imagery,  truth  to  nature,  clearness  of  state- 
ment, humanly  possible  situations,  humanly  possible 
people,  fluent  narrative,  connected  sequence  of  events 

—  or  philosophy,  or  logic,  or  sense.     No ;  the  rich, 
deep,  beguiling  charm  of  the  book  lies  in  the  total  and 
miraculous  absence  from   it  of  all  these  qualities  —  a 
charm  which  is  completed  and  perfected  by  the  evident 
fact  that  the  author,  whose  nafve  innocence  easily  and 
surely  wins  our  regard,  and  almost  our  worship,  does 
not  know  that  they  are  absent,  does  not  even  suspect 
that  they  are  absent.     When  read  by  the  light  of  these 
helps  to  an  understanding  of  the  situation,  the  book  is 
delicious  —  profoundly  and  satisfyingly  delicious. 

I  call  it  a  book  because  the  author  calls  it  a  book,  I 
call  it  a  work  because  he  calls  it  a  work;  but,  in  truth, 
it  is  merely  a  duodecimo  pamphlet  of  thirty-one  pages. 
It  was  written  for  fame  and  money,  as  the  author  very 
frankly  —  yes,  and  very  hopefully,  too,  poor  fellow  — 
says  in  his  preface.  The  money  never  came  —  no 
penny  of  it  ever  came ;  and  how  long,  how  pathetically 
long,  the  fame  has  been  deferred  —  forty-seven  years  ! 
He  was  young  then,  it  would  have  been  so  much  to 
him  then;  but  will  he  care  for  it  now? 

As  time  is  measured  in  America,  McClintock's 
epoch  is  antiquity.  In  his  long-vanished  day  the 
Southern  author  had  a  passion  for  "  eloquence  "  ;  it  was 
his  pet,  his  darling.  He  would  be  eloquent,  or  perish. 
And  he  recognized  only  one  kind  of  eloquence  —  the 
lurid,  the  tempestuous,  the  volcanic.  He  liked  words 

—  big    words,    fine    words,    grand    words,    rumbling, 
thundering,  reverberating  words;  with  sense  attaching 
if  it  could  be  got  in  without  marring  the  sound,  but 
not  otherwise.     He  loved  to  stand  up  before  a  dazed 
world,  and   pour  forth  flame  and  smoke  and  lava  and 
pumice  stone  into  the  skies,  and  work  his  subterranean 


390  A  Cure  for  the  Blues 

thunders,  and  shake  himself  with  earthquakes,  and 
stench  himself  with  sulphur  fumes.  If  he  consumed 
his  own  fields  and  vineyards,  that  was  a  pity,  yes;  but 
he  would  have  his  eruption  at  any  cost.  Mr.  Mo 
Clintock's  eloquence  —  and  he  is  always  eloquent,  his 
crater  is  always  spouting  —  is  of  the  pattern  common 
to  his  day,  but  he  departs  from  the  custom  of  the  time 
in  one  respect:  his  brethren  allowed  sense  to  intrude 
when  it  did  not  mar  the  sound,  but  he  does  not  allow 
it  to  intrude  at  all.  For  example,  consider  this  figure, 
which  he  uses  in  the  village  "  Address  >;  referred  to 
with  such  candid  complacency  in  the  title-page  above 
quoted — 'Mike  the  topmost  topaz  of  an  ancient 
tower."  Please  read  it  again;  contemplate  it ;  meas- 
ure it;  walk  around  it;  climb  up  it;  try  to  get  at  an 
approximate  realization  of  the  size  of  it.  Is  the  fellow 
to  that  to  be  found  in  literature,  ancient  or  modernr 
foreign  or  domestic,  living  or  dead,  drunk  or  sober? 
One  notices  how  fine  and  grand  it  sounds.  We  know 
that  if  it  was  loftily  uttered,  it  got  a  noble  burst  of  ap- 
plause from  the  villagers;  yet  there  isn't  a  ray  of  sense 
in  it,  or  meaning  to  it. 

McClintock  finished  his  education  at  Yale  in  1843, 
and  came  to  Hartford  on  a  visit  that  same  year.  I 
have  talked  with  men  who  at  that  time  talked  with  him, 
and  felt  of  him,  and  knew  he  was  real.  One  needs  to 
remember  that  fact  and  to  keep  fast  hold  of  it ;  it  is 
the  only  way  to  keep  McClintock' s  book  from  under- 
mining one's  faith  in  McClintock's  actuality. 

As  to  the  book.  The  first  four  pages  are  devoted 
to  an  inflamed  eulogy  of  Woman  —  simply  Woman  in 
general,  or  perhaps  as  an  Institution  —  wherein,  among 
other  compliments  to  her  details,  he  pays  a  unique  one 
to  her  voice.  He  says  it  "  fills  the  breast  with  fond 
alarms,  echoed  by  every  rill."  It  sounds  well  enough, 
but  it  is  not  true.  After  the  eulogy  he  takes  up  hig 


A  Cure  for  the  Blues  391 

real    work  and    the   novel    begins.     It   begins    in    the 
woods,  near  the  village  of  Sunflower  Hill. 

Brightening  clouds  seemed  to  rise  from  the  mist  of  the  fair  Chatta- 
hoochee,  to  spread  their  beauty  over  the  thick  forest,  to  guide  the  hero 
whose  bosom  beats  with  aspirations  to  conquer  the  enemy  that  would 
tarnish  his  name,  and  to  win  back  the  admiration  of  his  long-tried  friend. 

It  seems  a  general  remark,  but  it  is  not  general ;  the 
hero  mentioned  is  the  to-be  hero  of  the  book ;  and  in 
this  abrupt  fashion,  and  without  name  or  description, 
he  is  shoveled  into  the  tale.  "With  aspirations  to 
conquer  the  enemy  that  would  tarnish  his  name  ' '  is 
merely  a  phrase  flung  in  for  the  sake  of  the  sound  — 
let  it  not  mislead  the  reader.  No  one  is  trying  to 
tarnish  this  person ;  no  one  has  thought  of  it.  The 
rest  of  the  sentence  is  also  merely  a  phrase ;  the  man 
has  no  friend  as  yet,  and  of  course  has  had  no  chance 
to  try  him,  or  win  back  his  admiration,  or  disturb  him 
in  any  other  way. 

The  hero  climbs  up  over  "  Sawney's  Mountain," 
and  down  the  other  side,  making  for  an  old  Indian 
"  castle  "< — which  becomes  "  the  red  man's  hut  "  in 
the  next  sentence ;  and  when  he  gets  there  at  last,  he 
"  surveys  with  wonder  and  astonishment  "  the  invisible 
structure,  "  which  time  had  buried  in  the  dust;  and 
thought  to  himself  his  happiness  was  not  yet  com- 
plete." One  doesn't  know  why  it  wasn't,  nor  how 
near  it  came  to  being  complete,  nor  what  was  still 
wanting  to  round  it  up  and  make  it  so.  Maybe  it  was 
the  Indian ;  but  the  book  does  not  say.  At  this  point 
we  have  an  episode : 

Beside  the  shore  of  the  brook  sat  a  young  man,  about  eighteen  or  twenty, 
who  seemed  to  be  reading  some  favorite  book,  and  who  had  a  remarkably 
noble  countenance — eyes  which  betrayed  more  than  a  common  mind. 
This  of  course  made  the  youth  a  welcome  guest,  and  gained  him  friends  in 
whatever  condition  of  life  he  might  be  placed.  The  traveler  observed  that 


392  A  Cure  for  the  Blues 

he  was  a  well-built  figure  which  showed  strength  and  grace  in  every  move- 
ment. He  accordingly  addressed  him  in  quite  a  gentlemanly  manner,  and 
inquired  of  him  the  way  to  the  village.  After  he  had  received  the  desired 
information,  and  was  about  taking  his  leave,  the  youth  said,  "Are  you  not 
Major  Elfonzo,  the  great  musician  * —  the  champion  of  a  noble  cause  —  the 
modern  Achilles,  who  gained  so  many  victories  in  the  Florida  War?"  "  I 
bear  that  name,"  said  the  Major,  "and  those  titles,  trusting  at  the  same 
time  that  the  ministers  of  grace  will  carry  me  triumphantly  through  all  my 
laudable  undertakings,  and  if,"  continued  the  Major,  "you,  sir,  are  the 
patronizer  of  noble  deeds,  I  should  like  to  make  you  my  confidant,  and 
learn  your  address."  The  youth  looked  somewhat  amazed,  bowed  low, 
mused  for  a  moment,  and  began:  "My  name  is  Roswell.  I  have  been 
recently  admitted  to  the  bar,  and  can  only  give  a  faint  outline  of  my  future 
success  in  that  honorable  profession;  but  I  trust,  sir,  like  the  Eagle,  I  shall 
look  down  from  lofty  rocks  upon  the  dwellings  of  man,  and  shall  ever  be 
ready  to  give  you  any  assistance  in  my  official  capacity,  and  whatever  this 
muscular  arm  of  mine  can  do,  whenever  it  shall  be  called  from  its  buried 
greatness."  The  major  grasped  him  by  the  hand,  and  exclaimed:  "O! 
thou  exalted  spirit  of  inspiration  —  thou  flame  of  burning  prosperity,  may 
the  Heaven-directed  blaze  be  the  glare  of  thy  soul,  and  battle  down  every 
rampart  that  seems  to  impede  your  progress!" 

There  is  a  strange  sort  of  originality  about  Mc- 
Clintock;  he  imitates  other  people's  styles,  but  no- 
body can  imitate  his,  not  even  an  idiot.  Other  people 
can  be  windy,  but  McClintock  blows  a  gale;  other 
people  can  blubber  sentiment,  but  McClintock  spews 
it;  other  people  can  mishandle  metaphors,  but  only 
McClintock  knows  how  to  make  a  business  of  it.  Mc- 
Clintock is  always  McClintock,  he  is  always  consistent, 
his  style  is  always  his  own  style.  He  does  not  make 
the  mistake  of  being  relevant  on  one  page  and 
irrelevant  on  another;  he  is  irrelevant  on  allB'of  them. 
He  does  not  make  the  mistake  of  being  lucid  in  one 
place  and  obscure  in  another;  he  is  obscure  all  the  time. 
He  does  not  make  the  mistake  of  slipping  in  a  name 

*  Further  on  it  will  be  seen  that  he  is  a  country  expert  on  the  fiddle,  and 
has  a  ihree-township  fame. 


A  Cure  for  the  Blues  393 

here  and  there  that  is  out  of  character  with  his  work; 
he  always  uses  names  that  exactly  and  fantastically  fit  his 
lunatics.  In  the  matter  of  undeviating  consistency  he 
stands  alone  in  authorship.  It  is  this  that  makes  his 
style  unique,  and  entitles  it  to  a  name  of  its  own  — 
McClintockian.  It  is  this  that  protects  it  from  being 
mistaken  for  anybody  else's.  Uncredited  quotations 
from  other  writers  often  leave  a  reader  in  doubt  as  to 
their  authorship,  but  McClintock  is  safe  from  that  acci- 
dent; an  uncredited  quotation  from  him  would  always 
be  recognizable.  When  a  boy  nineteen  years  old,  who 
had  just  been  admitted  to  the  bar,  says,  '*  I  trust,  sir, 
like  the  Eagle,  I  shall  look  down  from  lofty  rocks  upon 
the  dwellings  of  man,"  we  know  who  is  speaking 
through  that  boy ;  we  should  recognize  that  note  any- 
where. There  be  myriads  of  instruments  in  this  world's 
literary  orchestra,  and  a  multitudinous  confusion  of 
sounds  that  they  make,  wherein  fiddles  are  drowned, 
and  guitars  smothered,  and  one  sort  of  drum  mistaken 
for  another  sort;  but  whensoever  the  brazen  note  of 
the  McClintockian  trombone  breaks  through  that  fog 
of  music,  that  note  is  recognizable,  and  about  it  there 
can  be  no  blur  of  doubt. 

The  novel  now  arrives  at  the  point  where  the  Major 
goes  home  to  see  his  father.  When  McClintock  wrote 
this  interview,  he  probably  believed  it  was  pathetic a 

The  road  which  led  to  the  town  presented  many  attractions.  Elfonzo 
had  bid  farewell  to  the  youth  of  deep  feeling,  and  was  now  wending  his  way 
to  the  dreaming  spot  of  his  fondness.  The  south  winds  whistled  through 
the  woods,  as  the  waters  dashed  against  the  banks,  as  rapid  fire  in  the  pent 
furnace  roars.  This  brought  him  to  remember  while  alone,  that  he  quietly 
left  behind  the  hospitality  of  a  father's  house,  and  gladly  entered  the  world, 
with  higher  hopes  than  are  often  realized.  But  as  he  journeyed  onward, 
he  was  mindful  of  the  advice  of  his  father,  who  had  often  looked  sadly  on 
the  ground,  when  tears  of  cruelly  deceived  hope  moistened  his  eyes.  Elfonzo 
had  been  somewhat  of  a  dutiful  son;  yet  fond  of  the  amusements  of  life  — 


394  A  Cure  for  the  Blues 

—  had  been  in  distant  lands  —  had  enjoyed  the  pleasure  of  the  world,  and 
had  frequently  returned  to  the  scenes  of  his  boyhood,  almost  destitute  of 
many  of  the  comforts  of  life.  In  this  condition,  he  would  frequently  say  to 
his  father,  "  Have  I  offended  you,  that  you  look  upon  me  as  a  stranger,  and 
frown  upon  me  with  stinging  looks  ?  Will  you  not  favor  me  with  the  sound 
of  your  voice  ?  If  I  have  trampled  upon  your  veneration,  or  have  spread  a 
humid  veil  of  darkness  around  your  expectations,  send  me  back  into  the 
world,  where  no  heart  beats  for  me — where  the  foot  of  man  has  never  yet 
trod;  but  give  me  at  least  one  kind  word — allow  me  to  come  into  the 
presence  sometimes  of  thy  winter- worn  locks."  "  Forbid  it,  Heaven,  that 
I  should  be  angry  with  thee,"  answered  the  father,  "my  son,  and  yet  I 
send  thee  back  to  the  children  of  the  world  —  to  the  cold  charity  of  the 
combat,  and  to  a  land  of  victory.  I  read  another  destiny  in  thy  counte- 
nance—  I  learn  thy  inclinations  from  the  flame  that  has  already  kindled  in 
my  soul  a  strange  sensation.  It  will  seek  thee,  my  dear  Elfonzo,  it  will  find 
thee  —  thou  canst  not  escape  that  lighted  torch,  which  shall  blot  out  from 
the  remembrance  of  men  a  long  train  of  prophecies  which  they  have  fore- 
told against  thee.  I  once  thought  not  so.  Once,  I  was  blind;  but  now 
the  path  of  life  is  plain  before  me,  and  my  sight  is  clear;  yet  Elfonzo, 
return  to  thy  worldly  occupation  —  take  again  in  thy  hand,  that  chord  of 
sweet  sounds  —  struggle  with  the  civilized  world,  and  with  your  own  heart; 
fly  swiftly  to  the  enchanted  ground  —  let  the  night-owl  send  forth  its  screams 
from  the  stubborn  oak  —  let  the  sea  sport  upon  the  beach,  and  the  stars 
sing  together;  but  learn  of  these,  Elfonzo,  thy  doom,  and  thy  hiding-place. 
Our  most  innocent  as  well  as  our  most  lawful  desires  must  often  be  denied 
us,  that  we  may  learn  to  sacrifice  them  to  a  Higher  will." 

Remembering  such  admonitions  with  gratitude,  Elfonzo  was  immediately 
urged  by  the  recollection  of  his  father's  family  to  keep  moving. 

McClintock  has  a  fine  gift  in  the  matter  of  surprises ; 
but  as  a  rule  they  are  not  pleasant  ones,  they  jar  upon 
the  feelings.  His  closing  sentence  in  the  last  quotation 
is  of  that  sort.  It  brings  one  down  out  of  the  tinted 
clouds  in  too  sudden  and  collapsed  a  fashion.  It  in- 
censes one  against  the  author  for  a  moment.  It  makes 
the  reader  want  to  take  him  by  his  winter-worn  locks, 
and  trample  on  his  veneration,  and  deliver  him  over  to 
the  cold  charity  of  combat,  and  blot  him  out  with  his 
own  lighted  torch.  But  the  feeling  does  not  last.  The 


A  Cure  for  the  Blues  395 

master  takes  again   in  his  hand  that  concord  of  sweet 
sounds  of  his,  and  one  is  reconciled,  pacified. 

His  steps  became  quicker  and  quicker  —  he  hastened  through  the  piny 
woods,  dark  as  the  forest  was,  and  with  joy  he  very  soon  reached  the  little 
village  of  repose,  in  whose  bosom  rested  the  boldest  chivalry.  His  close 
attention  to  every  important  object  —  his  modest  questions  about  whatever 
was  new  to  him  —  his  reverence  for  wise  old  age,  and  his  ardent  desire  to 
learn  many  of  the  fine  arts,  soon  brought  him  into  respectable  notice. 

One  mild  winter  day,  as  he  walked  along  the  streets  towards  the  Acad- 
emy, which  stood  upon  a  small  eminence,  surrounded  by  native  growth  — 
some  venerable  in  its  appearance,  others  young  and  prosperous  —  all  seemed 
inviting,  and  seemed  to  be  the  very  place  for  learning  as  well  as  for  genius 
to  spend  its  research  beneath  its  spreading  shades.  He  entered  its  classic 
walls  in  the  usual  mode  of  southern  manners. 

The  artfulness  of  this  man  !  None  knows  so  well  as 
he  how  to  pique  the  curiosity  of  the  reader  —  and  how 
to  disappoint  it.  He  raises  the  hope,  here,  that  he  is 
going  to  tell  all  about  how  one  enters  a  classic  wall  in 
the  usual  mode  of  Southern  manners;  but  does  he? 
No;  he  smiles  in  his  sleeve,  and  turns  aside  to  other 
matters. 

The  principal  of  the  Institution  begged  him  to  be  seated,  and  listen  to 
the  recitations  that  were  going  on.  He  accordingly  obeyed  the  request,  and 
seemed  to  be  much  pleased.  After  the  school  was  dismissed,  and  the  young 
hearts  regained  their  freedom,  with  the  songs  of  the  evening,  laughing  at 
the  anticipated  pleasures  of  a  happy  home,  while  others  tittered  at  the 
actions  of  the  past  day,  he  addressed  the  teacher  in  a  tone  that  indicated  a 
resolution  —  with  an  undaunted  mind.  He  said  he  had  determined  to 
become  a  student,  if  he  could  meet  with  his  approbation.  "  Sir,"  said  he,  "  I 
have  spent  much  time  in  the  world.  I  have  traveled  among  the  uncivilized 
inhabitants  of  America.  I  have  met  with  friends,  and  combated  with  foes; 
but  none  of  these  gratify  my  ambition,  or  decide  what  is  to  be  my  destiny. 
I  see  the  learned  world  have  an  influence  with  the  voice  of  the  people 
themselves.  The  despoilers  of  the  remotest  kingdoms  of  the  earth,  refer 
their  differences  to  this  class  of  persons.  This  the  illiterate  and  inexperienced 
little  dream  of;  and  now  if  you  will  receive  me  as  I  am,  with  these  deficien- 
cies —  with  all  my  misguided  opinions,  I  will  give  you  my  honor,  sir,  that  I 


396  A  Cure  for  the  Blues 

will  never  disgrace  the  Institution,  or  those  who  have  placed  you  in  this 
honorable  station."  The  instructor,  who  had  met  with  many  disappoint- 
ments, knew  how  to  feel  for  a  stranger  who  had  been  thus  turned  upon  the 
charities  of  an  unfeeling  community.  He  looked  at  him  earnestly,  and 
said:  "  Be  of  good  cheer  —  look  forward,  sir,  to  the  high  destination  you 
may  attain.  Remember,  the  more  elevated  the  mark  at  which  you  aim,  the 
more  sure,  the  more  glorious,  the  more  magnificent  the  prize."  From 
wonder  to  wonder,  his  encouragement  led  the  impatient  listener.  A  strange 
nature  bloomed  before  him  —  giant  streams  promised  him  success  —  gardens 
of  hidden  treasures  opened  to  his  view.  All  this,  so  vividly  described, 
seemed  to  gain  a  new  witchery  from  his  glowing  fancy. 

It  seems  to  me  that  this  situation  is  new  in  romance. 
I  feel  sure  it  has  not  been  attempted  before.  Military 
celebrities  have  been  disguised  and  set  at  lowly  occu- 
pations for  dramatic  effect,  but  I  think  McClintock  is 
the  first  to  send  one  of  them  to  school.  Thus,  in  this 
book,  you  pass  from  wonder  to  wonder,  through  gar- 
dens of  hidden  treasure,  where  giant  streams  bloom 
before  you,  and  behind  you,  and  all  around,  and  you 
feel  as  happy,  and  groggy,  and  satisfied,  with  your 
quart  of  mixed  metaphor  aboard,  as  you  would  if  it 
had  been  mixed  in  a  sample-room,  and  delivered  from 
a  jug. 

Now  we  come  upon  some  more  McClintockian  sur- 
prises —  a  sweetheart  who  is  sprung  upon  us  without 
any  preparation,  along  with  a  name  for  her  which  is 
even  a  little  more  of  a  surprise  than  she  herself  is. 

In  1842  he  entered  the  class,  and  made  rapid  progress  in  the  English 
and  Latin  departments.  Indeed,  he  continued  advancing  with  such  rapidity 
that  he  was  like  to  become  the  first  in  his  class,  and  made  such  unexpected 
progress,  and  was  so  studious,  that  he  had  almost  forgotten  the  pictured 
saint  of  his  affections.  The  fresh  wreaths  of  the  pine  and  cypress  had 
waited  anxiously  to  drop  once  more  the  dews  of  Heaven  upon  the  heads  of 
those  who  had  so  often  poured  forth  the  tender  emotions  of  their  souls  under 
its  boughs.  He  was  aware  of  the  pleasure  that  he  had  seen  there.  So  one 
evening,  as  he  was  returning  from  his  reading,  he  concluded  he  would  pay 
a  visit  to  this  enchanting  spot.  Little  did  he  think  of  witnessing  a  shadow 


A  Cure  tor  the  Blues  397 

of  his  former  happiness,  though  no  doubt,  he  wished  it  might  be  so.  He 
continued  sauntering  by  the  roadside,  meditating  on  the  past.  The  nearer 
he  approached  the  spot,  the  more  anxious  he  became.  At  that  moment,  a 
tall  female  figure  flitted  across  his  path,  with  a  bunch  of  roses  in  her  hand; 
her  countenance  showed  uncommon  vivacity,  with  a  resolute  spirit;  her 
ivory  teeth  already  appeared  as  she  smiled  beautifully,  promenading, — while 
her  ringlets  of  hair,  dangled  unconsciously  around  her  snowy  neck.  Nothing 
was  wanting  to  complete  her  beauty.  The  tinge  of  the  rose  was  in  full 
bloom  upon  her  cheek;  the  charms  of  sensibility  and  tenderness  were  always 
her  associates.  In  Ambulinia's  bosom  dwelt  a  noble  soul  —  one  that  never 
faded  —  one  that  never  was  conquered. 

Ambulinia !  It  can  hardly  be  matched  in  fiction. 
The  full  name  is  Ambulinia  Valeer.  Marriage  will 
presently  round  it  out  and  perfect  it.  Then  it 
will  be  Mrs.  Ambulinia  Valeer  Elfonzo.  It  takes  the 
chromo. 

Her  heart  yielded  to  no  feeling  but  the  love  of  Elfonzo,  on  whom  she 
gazed  with  intense  delight,  and  to  whom  she  felt  herself  more  closely  bound, 
because  he  sought  the  hand  of  no  other.  Elfonzo  was  roused  from  his 
apparent  reverie.  His  books  no  longer  were  his  inseparable  companions  — 
his  thoughts  arrayed  themselves  to  encourage  him  to  the  field  of  victory. 
He  endeavored  to  speak  to  his  supposed  Ambulinia,  but  his  speech  appeared 
Aot  in  words.  No,  his  effort  was  a  stream  of  fire,  that  kindled  his  soul  into 
(i  flame  of  admiration,  and  carried  his  senses  away  captive.  Ambulinia  had 
Jisappeared,  to  make  him  more  mindful  of  his  duty.  As  she  walked 
speedily  away  through  the  piny  woods,  she  calmly  echoed :  "O!  Elfonzo, 
ihou  wilt  now  look  from  thy  sunbeams.  Thou  shalt  now  walk  in  a  new 
path  —  perhaps  thy  way  leads  though  darkness;  but  fear  not,  the  stars  fore- 
tell happiness." 

To  McClintock  that  jingling  jumble  of  fine  words 
meant  something,  no  doubt,  or  seemed  to  mean  some- 
thing; but  it  is  useless  for  us  to  try  to  divine  what  it 
was.  Ambulinia  comes  —  we  don't  know  whence  nor 
why;  she  mysteriously  intimates  —  we  don't  know 
what;  and  then  she  goes  echoing  away  —  we  don't 
know  whither;  and  down  comes  the  curtain.  McClin- 
tock's  art  is  subtle;  McClintock' s  art  is  deep. 
26  A. 


398  A  Cure  for  the  Blues 

Not  many  days  afterwards,  as  surrounded  by  fragrant  flowers,  she  sat 
one  evening  at  twilight,  to  enjoy  the  cool  breeze  that  whispered  notes  of 
melody  along  the  distant  groves,  the  little  birds  perched  on  every  side,  as  if 
to  watch  the  movements  of  their  new  visitor.  The  bells  were  tolling,  when 
Elfonzo  silently  stole  along  by  the  wild  wood  flowers,  holding  in  his  hand 
his  favorite  instrument  of  music  —  his  eye  continually  searching  for  Ambu- 
linia,  who  hardly  seemed  to  perceive  him,  as  she  played  carelessly  with  the 
songsters  that  hopped  from  branch  to  branch.  Nothing  could  be  more 
striking  than  the  difference  between  the  two.  Nature  seemed  to  have  given 
the  more  tender  soul  to  Elfonzo,  and  the  stronger  and  more  courageous  to 
Ambulinia.  A  deep  feeling  spoke  from  the  eyes  of  Elfonzo  —  such  a  feel- 
ing as  can  only  be  expressed  by  those  who  are  blessed  as  admirers,  and  by 
those  who  are  able  to  return  the  same  with  sincerity  of  heart.  He  was  a 
few  years  older  than  Ambulinia:  she  had  turned  a  little  into  her  seventeenth. 
He  had  almost  grown  up  in  the  Cherokee  country,  with  the  same  equal 
proportions  as  one  of  the  natives.  But  little  intimacy  had  existed  between 
them  until  the  year  forty-one  —  because  the  youth  felt  that  the  character  of 
such  a  lovely  girl  was  too  exalted  to  inspire  any  other  feeling  than  that  of 
quiet  reverence,  But  as  lovers  will  not  always  be  insulted,  at  all  times  and 
under  all  circumstances,  by  the  frowns  and  cold  looks  of  crabbed  old  age, 
which  should  continually  reflect  dignity  upon  those  around,  and  treat  the 
unfortunate  as  well  as  the  fortunate  with  a  graceful  mien,  he  continued  to 
use  diligence  and  perseverance.  All  this  lighted  a  spark  in  his  heart  that 
changed  his  whole  character,  and  like  the  unyielding  Deity  that  fellows  the 
storm  to  check  its  rage  in  the  forest,  he  resolves  for  the  first  time  to  shake 
off  his  embarrassment,  and  return  where  he  had  before  only  worshiped. 

At  last  we  begin  to  get  the  Major's  measure.  We 
are  able  to  put  this  and  that  casual  fact  together,  and 
build  the  man  up  before  our  eyes,  and  look  at  him. 
And  after  we  have  got  him  built,  we  find  him  worth  the 
trouble.  By  the  above  comparison  between  his  age  and 
Ambulinia' s,  we  guess  the  war-worn  veteran  to  be 
twenty-two;  and  the  other  facts  stand  thus:  he  had 
grown  up  in  the  Cherokee  country  with  the  same  equal 
proportions  as  one  of  the  natives  —  how  flowing  and 
graceful  the  language,  and  yet  how  tantalizing  as  to 
meaning !  —  he  had  been  turned  adrift  by  his  father,  to 
whom  he  had  been  "  somewhat  of  a  dutiful  son  " ;  he 


A  Cure  for  the  Blues  399 

wandered  in  distant  lands ;  came  back  frequently  '  *  to 
the  scenes  of  his  boyhood,  almost  destitute  of  many  of 
the  comforts  of  life,"  in  order  to  get  into  the  presence 
of  his  father's  winter- worn  locks,  and  spread  a  humid 
veil  of  darkness  around  his  expectations ;  but  he  was 
always  promptly  sent  back  to  the  cold  charity  of  the 
combat  again;  he  learned  to  play  the  fiddle,  and  made 
a  name  for  himself  in  that  line ;  he  had  dwelt  among 
the  wild  tribes ;  he  had  philosophized  about  the  de- 
spoilers  of  the  kingdoms  of  the  earth,  and  found  out  — 
the  cunning  creature  — that  they  refer  their  differences 
to  the  learned  for  settlement;  he  had  achieved  a  vast 
fame  as  a  military  chieftain,  the  Achilles  of  the  Florida 
campaigns,  and  then  had  got  him  a  spelling-book  and 
started  to  school ;  he  had  fallen  in  love  with  Ambulinia 
Valeer  while  she  was  teething,  but  had  kept  it  to  him- 
self a  while;  out  of  the  reverential  awe  which  he  felt 
for  the  child ;  but  sow  at  last,  like  the  unyielding  Deity 
who  follows  the  storm  to  check  its  rage  in  the  forest, 
he  resolves  to  shake  off  his  embarrassment,  and  to 
return  where  before  he  had  only  worshiped.  The 
Major,  indeed,  has  made  up  his  mind  to  rise  up  and 
shake  his  faculties  together,  and  to  see  if  he  can't  do 
that  thing  himself.  This  is  not  clear.  But  no  matter 
about  that:  there  stands  the  hero,  compact  and  visible ; 
and  he  is  no  mean  structure,  considering  that  his 
creator  had  never  created  anything  before,  and  hadn't 
anything  but  rags  and  wind  to  build  with  this  time.  It 
seems  to  me  that  no  one  can  contemplate  this  odd 
creature,  this  quaint  and  curious  blatherskite,  without 
admiring  McClintock,  or,  at  any  rate,  loving  him  and 
feeling  grateful  to  him ;  for  McClintock  made  him,  he 
gave  him  to  us;  without  McClintock  we  could  not 
have  had  him,  and  would  now  be  poor. 

But  we  must  come  to  the  feast  again.     Here  is  a 
courtship    scene,   down   there   in   the  romantic   glades 


400  A  Cure  for  the  Blues 

among  the  raccoons,  alligators,  and  things,  that  has 
merit,  peculiar  literary  merit.  See  how  Achilles  woos. 
Dwell  upon  the  second  sentence  (particularly  the  close 
of  it)  and  the  beginning  of  the  third.  Never  mirid  the 
new  personage,  L,eos,  who  is  intruded  upon  us  un- 
heralded and  unexplained.  That  is  McClintock's  way; 
it  is  his  habit ;  it  is  a  part  of  his  genius ;  he  cannot 
help  it ;  he  never  interrupts  the  rush  of  his  narrative  to 
make  introductions. 

It  could  not  escape  Ambulinia's  penetrating  eye  that  he  sought  an  inter- 
view with  her,  which  she  as  anxiously  avoided,  and  assumed  a  more  distant 
calmness  than  before,  seemingly  to  destroy  all  hope.  After  many  efforts 
and  struggles  with  his  own  person,  with  timid  steps  the  Major  approached 
the  damsel,  with  the  same  caution  as  he  would  have  done  in  a  field  of 
battle.  "Lady  Ambulinia,"  said  he,  trembling,  "I  have  long  desired  a 
moment  like  this.  I  dare  not  let  it  escape  I  fear  the  consequences;  yet 
I  hope  your  indulgence  will  at  least  hear  my  petition.  Can  you  not  antici- 
pate what  I  would  say,  and  what  I  am  about  to  express?  Will  you  not,  like 
Minerva,  who  sprung  from  the  brain  6*  Jupiter,  release  me  from  thy  winding 
chains  or  cure  me — "  "Say  no  more,  Elfonzo,"  answered  Ambulinia, 
with  a  serious  look,  raising  her  hand  as  if  she  intended  to  swear  eternal 
hatred  against  the  whole  world;  "  another  lady  in  my  place  would  have 
perhaps  answered  your  question  in  bitter  coldness.  I  know  not  the  little 
arts  of  my  sex.  I  care  but  little  for  the  vanity  of  those  who  would  chide 
me,  and  am  unwilling  as  well  as  ashamed  to  be  guilty  of  anything  that 
would  lead  you  to  think  *  all  is  not  gold  that  glitters  ' ;  so  be  not  rash  in  your 
resolution.  It  is  better  to  repent  now,  than  to  do  it  in  a  more  solemn  hour. 
Yes,  I  know  what  you  would  say.  I  know  you  have  a  costly  gift  for  me  — 
the  noblest  that  man  can  make — your  heart !  you  should  not  offer  it  to  one 
so  unworthy.  Heaven,  you  know,  has  allowed  my  father's  house  to  be 
made  a  house  of  solitude,  a  home  of  silent  obedience,  which  my  parents  say 
is  more  to  be  admired  than  big  names  and  high-sounding  titles.  Notwith- 
standing all  this,  let  me  speak  the  emotions  of  an  honest  heart  —  allow  me 
to  say  in  the  fullness  of  my  hopes  that  I  anticipate  better  days.  The  bird 
may  stretch  its  wings  towards  the  sun,  which  it  can  never  reach;  and 
flowers  of  the  field  appear  to  ascend  in  the  same  direction,  because  they 
cannot  do  otherwise;  but  man  confides  his  complaints  to  the  saints  in 
whom  he  believes;  for  in  their  abodes  of  light  they  know  no  more  sorrow. 


A  Cure  for  the  Blues  401 

From  your  confession  and  indicative  looks,  I  must  be  that  person;  if  so 
deceive  not  yourself." 

Elfonzo  replied,  "  Pardon  me,  my  dear  madam,  for  my  frankness.  I 
have  loved  you  from  my  earliest  days  —  everything  grand  and  beautiful  hath 
borne  the  image  of  Ambulinia;  while  precipices  on  every  hand  surrounded 
me,  your  guardian  angel  stood  and  beckoned  me  away  from  the  deep  abyss. 
In  every  trial,  in  every  misfortune,  I  have  met  with  your  helping  hand;  yet 
I  never  dreamed  or  dared  to  cherish  thy  love,  till  a  voice  impaired  with  age 
encouraged  the  cause,  and  declared  they  who  acquired  thy  favor  should  win 
a  victory.  I  saw  how  Leos  worshiped  thee.  I  felt  my  own  unworthiness. 
I  began  to  know  jealousy,  a  strong  guest  indeed,  in  my  bosom,  yet  I  could 
see  if  I  gained  your  admiration  Leos  was  to  be  my  rival.  I  was  aware  that 
he  bad  the  influence  of  your  parents,  and  the  wealth  of  a  deceased  relative, 
which  is  too  often  mistaken  for  permanent  and  regular  tranquillity;  yet 
I  have  determined  by  your  permission  to  beg  an  interest  in  your  prayers  — 
to  ask  you  to  animate  my  drooping  spirits  by  your  smiles  and  your  winning 
looks;  for,  if  you  but  speak,  I  shall  be  conqueror,  my  enemies  shall  stagger 
like  Olympus  shakes.  And  though  earth  and  sea  may  tremble,  and  the 
charioteer  of  the  sun  may  forget  his  dashing  steed,  yet  I  am  assured  that  it 
is  only  to  arm  me  with  divine  weapons,  which  will  enable  me  to  complete 
my  long-tried  intention."  "  Return  to  yourself,  Elfonzo,"  said  Ambulinia, 
pleasantly;  "a  dream  of  vision  has  disturbed  your  intellect;  you  are  above 
the  atmosphere,  dwelling  in  the  celestial  regions;  nothing  is  there  that  urges 
or  hinders,  nothing  that  brings  discord  into  our  present  litigation.  I  entreat 
you  to  condescend  a  little,  and  be  a  man,  and  forget  it  all.  When  Homer 
describes  the  battle  of  the  gods  and  noble  men,  fighting  with  giants  and 
dragons,  they  represent  under  this  image  our  struggles  with  the  delusions  of 
our  passions.  You  have  exalted  me,  an  unhappy  girl,  to  the  skies;  you 
have  called  me  a  saint,  and  portrayed  in  your  imagination  an  angel  in  human 
form.  Let  her  remain  such  to  you,  let  her  continue  to  be  as  you  have  sup- 
posed, and  be  assured  that  she  will  consider  a  share  in  your  esteem  as  her 
highest  treasure.  Think  not  that  I  would  allure  you  from  the  path  in  which 
your  conscience  leads  you;  for  yoi'.  >mow  I  respect  the  conscience  of  others, 
as  I^would  die  for  my  own.  Gfonsso,  if  I  am  worthy  of  thy  love,  let  such 
conversation  never  again  pass  between  us.  Go,  seek  a  nobler  theme !  we 
will  seek  it  in  the  stream  of  time,  as  the  sun  set  in  the  Tigris."  As  she 
spake  these  words  she  grasped  the  hand  o*  Elfonzo,  saying  at  the  same  time 
— "  Peace  and  prosperity  attend  you,  my  hero;  be  up  and  doing."  Qosing 
her  remarks  with  this  expression,  she  walked  slowly  away,  leaving  Elfonzo 
30*** 


402  A  Cure  for  the  Blues 

astonished  and  amazed.     He  ventured  not  to  follow  or  detain  her.     Here 
he  stood  alone,  gazing  at  the  stars;  confounded  as  he  was,  here  he  stoou. 

Yes;  there  he  stood.  There  seems  to  be  no  doubt 
About  that.  Nearly  half  of  this  delirious  story  has  now 
been  delivered  to  the  reader.  It  seems  a  pity  to  reduce 
the  other  half  to  a  cold  synopsis.  Pity !  it  is  more 
than  a  pity,  it  is  a  crime ;  for  to  synopsize  McClintock 
is  to  reduce  a  sky-flushing  conflagration  to  dull  embers, 
it  is  to  reduce  barbaric  splendor  to  ragged  poverty. 
McClintock  never  wrote  a  line  that  was  not  precious ; 
he  never  wrote  one  that  could  be  spared;  he  never 
framed  one  from  which  a  word  could  be  removed  with' 
out  damage.  Every  sentence  that  this  master  has  pro- 
duced may  be  likened  to  a  perfect  set  of  teeth,  white, 
uniform,  beautiful.  If  you  pull  one,  the  charm  is 
gone. 

Still,  it  is  now  necessary  to  begin  to  pull,  and  to 
keep  it  up;  for  lack  of  space  requires  us  to  synopsize. 

We  left  Elfonzo  standing  there  amazed.  At  what, 
we  do  not  know.  Not  at  the  girl's  speech.  No;  we 
ourselves  should  have  been  amazed  at  it,  of  course,  for 
none  of  us  has  ever  heard  anything  resembling  it ;  but 
Elfonzo  was  used  to  speeches  made  up  of  noise  and 
vacancy,  and  could  listen  to  them  with  undaunted  mind 
like  the  "  topmost  topaz  of  an  ancient  tower";  he 
was  used  to  making  them  himself;  he  —  but  let  it  go, 
it  cannot  be  guessed  out ;  we  shall  never  know  what  it 
was  that  astonished  him.  He  stood  there  awhile ;  then 
he  said,  "  Alas!  am  I  now  Grief's  disappointed  son  at 
last?"  He  did  not  stop  to  examine  his  mind,  and  to 
try  to  find  out  what  he  probably  meant  by  that,  be- 
cause, for  one  reason,  "  a  mixture  of  ambition  and 
greatness  of  soul  moved  upon  his  young  heart,"  and 
started  him  for  the  village.  He  resumed  his  bench  in 
school,  "  and  reasonably  progressed  in  his  education." 
His  heart  was  heavy,  but  he  went  into  society,  and 


A  Cure  for  the  Blues  403 

sought  surcease  of  sorrow  in  its  light  distractions.  He 
made  himself  popular  with  his  violin,  "  which  seenie'd 
to  have  a  thousand  chords  —  more  symphonious  than 
the  Muses  of  Apollo,  and  more  enchanting  than  the 
ghost  of  the  Hills."  This  is  obscure,  but  let  it  go.  , 

During  this  interval  Leos  did  some  unencouraged 
courting,  but  at  last,  "  choked  by  his  undertaking," 
he  desisted. 

Presently  "  Elfonzo  again  wends  his  way  to  the 
stately  walls  and  new-built  village."  He  goes  to  the 
house  of  his  beloved ;  she  opens  the  door  herself.  To 
my  surprise  —  for  Ambulinia's  heart  had  still  seemed 
free  at  the  time  of  their  last  interview  —  love  beamed 
from  the  girl's  eyes.  One  sees  that  Elfonzo  was  sur- 
prised, too;  for  when  he  caught  that  light,  "  a  halloo 
of  smothered  shouts  ran  through  every  vein."  A  neat 
figure  —  a  very  neat  figure,  indeed  !  Then  he  kissed 
her.  "  The  scene  was  overwhelming."  They  went 
into  the  parlor.  The  girl  said  it  was  safe,  for  her 
parents  were  abed,  and  would  never  know.  Then  we 
have  this  fine  picture  —  flung  upon  the  canvas  with 
hardly  an  effort,  as  you  will  notice. 

Advancing  towards  him  she  gave  a  bright  display  of  her  rosy  neck,  and 
from  her  head  the  ambrosial  locks  breathed  divine  fragrance;  her  robe  hung 
waving  to  his  view,  while  she  stood  like  a  goddess  confessed  before  him. 

There  is  nothing  of  interest  in  the  couple's  interview. 
Now  at  this  point  the  girl  invites  Elfonzo  to  a  village 
show,  where  jealousy  is  the  motive  of  the  play,  for  she 
wants  to  teach  him  a  wholesome  lesson,  if  he  is  a  jeal- 
ous person.  But  this  is  a  sham,  and  pretty  shallow. 
McClintock  merely  wants  a  pretext  to  drag  in  a 
plagiarism  of  his  upon  a  scene  or  two  in  "  Othello." 

The  lovers  went  to  the  play.  Elfonzo  was  one  of 
the  fiddlers.  He  and  Ambulinia  must  not  be  seen 
together,  lest  trouble  follow  with  the  girl's  malignant 
z*** 


404  A  Cure  for  the  Blues 

father;  we  are  made  to  understand  that  clearly.  So 
the  two  sit  together  in  the  orchestra,  in  the  midst  of 
the  musicians.  This  does  not  seem  to  be  good  art. 
In  the  first  place,  the  girl  would  be  in  the  way,  for 
orchestras  are  always  packed  closely  together,  and 
there  is  no  room  to  spare  for  people's  girls;  in  the 
next  place,  one  cannot  conceal  a  girl  in  an  orchestra 
without  everybody  taking  notice  of  it.  There  can  be 
no  doubt,  it  seems  to  me,  that  this  is  bad  art. 

Leos  is  present.  Of  course,  one  of  the  first  things 
that  catches  his  eye  is  the  maddening  spectacle  of 
Ambulinia  "  leaning  upon  Elfonzo's  chair."  This 
poor  girl  does  not  seem  to  understand  even  the  rudi- 
ments of  concealment.  But  she  is  "in  her  seven- 
teenth," as  the  author  phrases  it,  and  that  is  her 
justification. 

Leos  meditates,  constructs  a  plan  —  with  personal 
violence  as  a  basis,  of  course.  It  was  their  way  down 
there.  It  is  a  good  plain  plan,  without  any  imagina- 
tion in  it.  He  will  go  out  and  stand  at  the  front  door, 
and  when  these  two  come  out  he  will  "  arrest  Ambu- 
linia from  the  hands  of  the  insolent  Elfonzo,"  and 
thus  make  for  himself  a  "  more  prosperous  field  of 
immortality  than  ever  was  decreed  by  Omnipotence,  or 
ever  pencil  drew  or  artist  imagined."  But,  dear  me, 
while  he  is  waiting  there  the  couple  climb  out  at  the 
back  window  and  scurry  home !  This  is  romantic 
enough,  but  there  is  a  lack  of  dignity  in  the  situation. 

At  this  point  McClintock  puts  in  the  whole  of  his 
curious  play  —  which  we  skip. 

Some  correspondence  follows  now.  The  bitter  father 
and  the  distressed  lovers  write  the  letters.  Elopements 
are  attempted.  They  are  idiotically  planned,  and  they 
fail.  Then  we  have  several  pages  of  romantic  powwow 
and  confusion  signifying  nothing.  Another  elopement 
is  planned ;  it  is  to  take  place  on  Sunday,  when  every- 


A  Cure  for  the  Blues  405 

body  is  at  church.  But  the  "  hero  "  cannot  keep  the 
secret;  he  tells  everybody.  Another  author  would 
have  found  another  instrument  when  he  decided  to  de- 
feat this  elopement;  but  that  is  not  McClintock's  way. 
He  uses  the  person  that  is  nearest  at  hand. 

The  evasion  failed,  of  course.  Ambulinia,  in  her 
flight,  takes  refuge  in  a  neighbor's  house.  Her  father 
drags  her  home.  The  villagers  gather,  attracted  by  the 
racket. 

Elfonzo  was  moved  at  this  sight.  The  people  followed  on  to  see  what 
was  going  to  become  of  Ambulinia,  while  he,  with  downcast  looks,  kept  at 
a  distance,  until  he  saw  them  enter  the  abode  of  the  father,  thrusting  her, 
that  was  the  sigh  of  his  soul,  out  of  his  presence  into  a  solitary  apart- 
ment, when  she  exclaimed,  "Elfonzo!  Elfonzo!  oh,  Elfonzo!  where  art 
thou,  with  all  thy  heroes?  haste,  oh  !  haste,  come  thou  to  my  relief.  Ride 
on  the  wings  of  the  wind !  Turn  thy  force  loose  like  a  tempest,  and  roll  on 
thy  army  like  a  whirlwind,  over  this  mountain  of  trouble  and  confusion. 
Oh,  friends !  if  any  pity  me,  let  your  last  efforts  throng  upon  the  green 
hills,  and  come  to  the  relief  of  Ambulinia,  who  is  guilty  of  nothing  but 
innocent  love."  Elfonzo  called  out  with  a  loud  voice,  "  My  God,  can  I 
stand  this!  arouse  up,  I  beseech  you,  and  put  an  end  to  this  tyranny. 
Come,  my  brave  boys,"  said  he,  "  are  you  ready  to  go  forth  to  your  duty  ?  " 
They  stood  around  him.  "  Who,"  said  he,  "  will  call  us  to  arms?  Where 
are  my  thunderbolts  of  war?  Speak  ye,  the  first  who  will  meet  the  foet 
Who  will  go  forth  with  me  in  this  ocean  of  grievous  temptation?  If  there 
is  one  who  desires  to  go,  let  him  come  and  shake  hands  upon  the  altar  of 
devotion,  and  swear  that  he  will  be  a  hero;  yes,  a  Hector  in  a  cause  like 
this,  which  calls  aloud  for  a  speedy  remedy."  "  Mine  be  the  deed,"  said  a 
young  lawyer,  "  and  mine  alone;  Venus  alone  shall  quit  her  station  before 
I  will  forsake  one  jot  or  tittle  of  my  promise  to  you;  what  is  death  to  me? 
what  is  all  this  warlike  army,  if  it  is  not  to  win  a  victory?  I  love  the  sleep 
of  the  lover  and  the  mighty;  nor  would  I  give  it  over  till  the  blood  of  my 
enemies  should  wreak  with  that  of  my  own.  But  God  forbid  that  our  fame 
should  soar  on  the  blood  of  the  slumberer."  Mr.  Valeer  stands  at  his  door 
with  the  frown  of  a  demon  upon  his  brow,  with  his  dangerous  weapon* 
ready  to  strike  the  first  man  who  should  enter  his  door.  "  Who  will  arise 

*  It  is  a  crowbar. 


406  A  Cure  for  the  Blues 

and  go  forward  through  blood  and  carnage  to  the  rescue  of  my  Ambulinia?  " 
said  Elfonzo.  "All,"  exclaimed  the  multitude;  and  onward  they  went, 
with  their  implements  of  battle.  Others,  of  a  more  timid  nature,  stood 
among  the  distant  hills  to  see  the  result  of  the  contest. 

It  will  hardly  be  believed  that  after  all  this  thunder 
and  lightning  not  a  drop  of  rain  fell ;  but  such  is  the 
fact.  Elfonzo  and  his  gang  stood  up  and  blackguarded 
Mr.  Valeer  with  vigor  all  night,  getting  their  outlay 
back  with  interest ;  then  in  the  early  morning  the  army 
and  its  general  retired  from  the  field,  leaving  the  victory 
with  their  solitary  adversary  and  his  crowbar.  This  is 
the  first  time  this  has  happened  in  romantic  literature. 
The  invention  is  original.  Everything  in  this  book  is 
original;  there  is  nothing  hackneyed  about  it  any- 
where. Always,  in  other  romances,  when  you  find  the 
author  leading  up  to  a  climax,  you  know  what  is  going 
to  happen.  But  in  this  book  it  is  different;  the  thing 
which  seems  inevitable  and  unavoidable  never  happens ; 
it  is  circumvented  by  the  art  of  the  author  every  time. 

Another  elopement  was  attempted.     It  failed. 

We  have  now  arrived  at  the  end.  But  it  is  not  ex- 
citing. McClintock  thinks  it  is ;  but  it  isn't.  One  day 
Elfonzo  sent  Ambulinia  another  note  —  a  note  pro- 
posing elopement  No.  16.  This  time  the  plan  is  ad- 
mirable; admirable,  sagacious,  ingenious,  imaginative, 
deep  —  oh,  everything,  and  perfectly  easy.  One  won- 
ders why  it  was  never  thought  of  before.  This  is  the 
scheme.  Ambulinia  is  to  leave  the  breakfast  table, 
ostensibly  to  "  attend  to  the  placing  of  those  flowers, 
which  ought  to  have  been  done  a  week  ago  " — artifi- 
cial ones,  of  course;  the  others  wouldn't  keep  so  long 
—  and  then,  instead  of  fixing  the  flowers,  she  is  to 
walk  out  to  the  grove,  and  go  off  with  Elfonzo.  The 
invention  of  this  plan  overstrained  the  author,  that  is 
plain,  for  he  straightway  shows  failing  powers.  The 
details  of  the  plan  are  not  many  or  elaborate.  The 


A  Cure  for  the  Blues  407 

author  shall  state  them  himself  —  this  good  soul,  whose 
intentions  are  always  better  than  his  English : 

You  walk  carelessly  towards  the  academy  grove,  where  you  will  find  me 
with  a  lightning  steed,  elegantly  equipped  to  bear  you  off  where  we  shall  be 
joined  in  wedlock  with  the  first  connubial  rights. 

Last  scene  of  all,  which  the  author,  now  much  en- 
feebled, tries  to  smarten  up  and  make  acceptable  to  his 
spectacular  heart  by  introducing  some  new  properties 
—  silver  bow,  golden  harp,  olive  branch  —  things  that 
can  all  come  good  in  an  elopement,  no  doubt,  yet  are 
not  to  be  compared  to  an  umbrella  for  real  handiness 
and  reliability  in  an  excursion  of  that  kind. 

And  away  she  ran  to  the  sacred  grove,  surrounded  with  glittering  pearls, 
that  indicated  her  coming.  Elfonzo  hails  her  with  his  silver  bow  and  his 
golden  harp.  They  meet  —  Ambulinia's  countenance  brightens  —  Elfonzo 
leads  up  the  winged  steed.  "  Mount,"  said  he,  "ye  true  hearted,  ye  fear- 
less soul  —  the  day  is  ours."  She  sprang  upon  the  back  of  the  young 
thunderbolt,  a  brilliant  star  sparkles  upon  her  head,  with  one  hand  she 
grasps  the  reins,  and  with  the  other  she  holds  an  olive  branch.  "Lend  thy 
aid,  ye  strong  winds,"  they  exclaimed,  "ye  moon,  ye  sun,  and  all  ye  fair 
host  of  heaven,  witness  the  enemy  conquered."  "  Hold,"  said  Elfonzo, 
"  thy  dashing  steed."  "  Ride  on,"  said  Ambulinia,  "  the  voice  of  thunder 
is  behind  us."  And  onward  they  went,  with  such  rapidity,  that  they  very 
soon  arrived  at  Rural  Retreat,  where  they  dismounted,  and  were  united 
with  all  the  solemnities  that  usually  attend  such  divine  operations. 

There  is  but  one  Homer,  there  is  but  one  Shakes- 
peare, there  is  but  one  McClintock  —  and  his  immortal 
book  is  before  you.  Homer  could  not  have  written 
this  book,  Shakespeare  could  not  have  written  it,  I 
could  not  have  done  it  myself.  There  is  nothing  just 
like  it  in  the  literature  of  any  country  or  of  any  epoch. 
It  stands  alone;  it  is  monumental.  It  adds  G.  Rags- 
dale  McClintock's  to  the  sum  of  the  republic's  im- 
perishable names. 


THE  CURIOUS  BOOK 

COMPLETE 

[The  foregoing  review  of  the  great  work  of  G.  Ragsdale  McClintock  is 
liberally  illuminated  with  sample  extracts,  but  these  cannot  appease  the 
appetite.  Only  the  complete  book,  unabridged,  can  do  that.  Therefore  it 
is  here  printed.— M.  T.] 

THE  ENEMY  CONQUERED;  OR,  LOVE   TRIUMPHANT 

Sweet  girl,  thy  smiles  are  full  of  charms, 

Thy  voice  is  sweeter  still, 
It  fills  the  breast  with  fond  alarms, 

Echoed  by  every  rill. 

I  BEGIN  this  little  work  with  an  eulogy  upon  woman, 
who  has  ever  been  distinguished  for  her  persever- 
ance, her  constancy,  and  her  devoted  attention  to  those 
upon  whom  she  has  been  pleased  to  place  her  affec- 
tions. Many  have  been  the  themes  upon  which  writers 
and  public  speakers  have  dwelt  with  intense  and  in- 
creasing interest.  Among  these  delightful  theme's 
stands  that  of  woman,  the  balm  to  all  our  sighs  and 
disappointments,  and  the  most  pre-eminent  of  all  other 
topics.  Here  the  poet  and  orator  have  stood  and 
gazed  with  wonder  and  with  admiration;  they  have 
dwelt  upon  her  innocence,  the  ornament  of  all  her 
virtues.  First  viewing  her  external  charms,  such  as 
are  set  forth  in  her  form  and  her  benevolent  counte- 
nance, and  then  passing  to  the  deep  hidden  springs  of 
loveliness  and  disinterested  devotion.  In  every  clime, 

(408) 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     409 

and  in  every  age,  she  has  been  the  pride  of  her  nation. 
Her  watchfulness  is  untiring;  she  who  guarded  trie 
sepulchre  was  the  first  to  approach  it,  and  the  last 
to  depart  from  its  awful  yet  sublime  scene.  Even 
here,  in  this  highly- favored  land,  we  look  to  her  for 
the  security  of  our  institutions,  and  for  our  future 
greatness  as  a  nation.  But,  strange  as  it  may  appear, 
woman's  charms  and  virtues  are  but  slightly  appreciated 
by  thousands.  Those  who  should  raise  the  standard 
of  female  worth,  and  paint  her  value  with  her  virtues, 
in  living  colors,  upon  the  banners  that  are  fanned  by 
the  zephyrs  of  heaven,  and  hand  them  down  to  pos- 
terity as  emblematical  of  a  rich  inheritance,  do  not 
properly  estimate  them. 

Man  is  not  sensible,  at  all  times,  of  the  nature  and 
the  emotions  which  bear  that  name;  he  does  not 
understand,  he  will  not  comprehend;  his  intelligence 
has  not  expanded  to  that  degree  of  glory  which  drinks 
in  the  vast  revolution  of  humanity,  its  end,  its  mighty 
destination,  and  the  causes  which  operated,  and  are 
still  operating,  to  produce  a  more  elevated  station,  and 
the  objects  which  energize  and  enliven  its  consumma- 
tion. This  he  is  a  stranger  to;  he  is  not  aware  that 
^foman  is  the  recipient  of  celestial  love,  and  that  man 
is  dependent  upon  her  to  perfect  his  character;  that 
without  her,  philosophically  and  truly  speaking,  the 
brightest  of  his  intelligence  is  but  the  coldness  of  a 
winter  moon,  whose  beams  can  produce  no  fruit,  whose 
iolar  light  is  not  its  own,  but  borrowed  from  the  great 
dispenser  of  effulgent  beauty.  We  have  no  disposition 
in  the  world  to  flatter  the  fair  sex,  we  would  raise  them 
above  those  dastardly  principles  which  only  exist  in 
little  souls,  contracted  hearts,  and  a  distracted  brain. 
Often  does  she  unfold  herself  in  all  her  fascinating 
loveliness,  presenting  the  most  captivating  charms;  yet 
we  find  man  frequently  treats  such  purity  of  purpose 


410     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

with  indifference.  Why  does  he  do  it?  Why  does  he 
baffle  that  which  is  inevitably  the  source  of  his  better 
days?  Is  he  so  much  of  a  stranger  to  those  excellent 
qualities  as  not  to  appreciate  woman,  as  not  to  have 
respect  to  her  dignity?  Since  her  art  and  beauty  first 
captivated  man,  she  has  been  his  delight  and  his  com- 
fort; she  has  shared  alike  in  his  misfortunes  and  in  his 
prosperity. 

Whenever  the  billows  of  adversity  and  the  tumultu- 
ous waves  of  trouble  beat  high,  her  smiles  subdue  their 
fury.  Should  the  tear  of  sorrow  and  the  mournful 
sigh  of  grief  interrupt  the  peace  of  his  mind,  her  voice 
removes  them  all,  and  she  bends  from  her  circle  to 
encourage  him  onward.  When  darkness  would  obscure 
his  mind,  and  a  thick  cloud  of  gloom  would  bewilder 
its  operations,  her  intelligent  eye  darts  a  ray  of  stream- 
ing light  into  his  heart.  Mighty  and  charming  is  that 
disinterested  devotion  which  she  is  ever  ready  to  exer- 
cise towards  man,  not  waiting  till  the  last  moment  of 
his  danger,  but  seeks  to  relieve  him  in  his  early  afflic- 
tions. It  gushes  forth  from  the  expansive  fullness  of  a 
tender  and  devoted  heart,  where  the  noblest,  th&  purest, 
and  the  most  elevated  and  refined  feelings  are  matured 
and  developed  in  those  many  kind  offices  which  invari- 
ably make  her  character. 

In  the  room  of  sorrow  and  sickness,  this  unequaled 
characteristic  may  always  be  seen,  in  the  performance 
of  the  most  charitable  acts ;  nothing  that  she  can  do  to 
promote  the  happiness  of  him  who  she  claims  to  be 
her  protector,  will  be  omitted ;  all  is  invigorated  by  the 
animating  sunbeams  which  awaken  the  heart  to  songs 
of  gayety.  Leaving  this  point,  to  notice  another 
prominent  consideration,  which  is  generally  one  of 
great  moment  and  of  vital  importance.  Invariably  she 
is  firm  and  steady  in  all  her  pursuits  and  aims.  There 
is  required  a  combination  of  forces  and  extreme  oppo- 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     411 

sition  to  drive  her  from  her  position ;  she  takes  her 
stand,  not  to  be  moved  by  the  sound  of  Apollo's  lyre, 
or  the  curved  bow  of  pleasure. 

Firm  and  true  to  what  she  undertakes,  and  that 
which  she  requires  by  her  own  aggrandizement,  and 
regards  as  being  within  the  strict  rules  of  propriety, 
she  will  remain  stable  and  unflinching  to  the  last.  A 
more  genuine  principle  is  not  to  be  found  in  the  most 
determined,  resolute  heart  of  man.  For  this  she  de- 
serves to  be  held  in  the  highest  commendation,  for  this 
she  deserves  the  purest  of  all  other  blessings,  and  for 
this  she  deserves  the  most  laudable  reward  of  all  others. 
It  is  a  noble  characteristic,  and  is  worthy  the  imitation 
of  any  age.  And  when  we  look  at  it  in  one  particular 
aspect,  it  is  still  magnified,  and  grows  brighter  and 
brighter  the  more  we  reflect  upon  its  eternal  duration. 
What  will  she  not  do,  when  her  word  as  well  as  her 
affections  and  love  are  pledged  to  her  lover?  Every- 
thing that  is  dear  to  her  on  earth,  all  the  hospitalities 
of  kind  and  loving  parents,  all  the  sincerity  and  loveli- 
ness of  sisters,  and  the  benevolent  devotion  of  brothers, 
who  have  surrounded  her  with  every  comfort ;  she  will 
forsake  them  all,  quit  the  harmony  and  sweet  sound  of 
the  lute  and  the  harp,  and  throw  herself  upon  the 
affections  of  some  devoted  admirer,  in  whom  she  londly 
hopes  to  find  more  than  she  has  left  behind,  which  is 
not  often  realized  by  many.  Truth  and  virtue  all 
combined  !  How  deserving  our  admiration  and  love  ! 
Ah !  cruel  would  it  be  in  man,  after  she  has  thus  mani- 
fested such  an  unshaken  confidence  in  him,  and  said 
by  her  determination  to  abandon  all  the  endearments 
and  blandishments  of  home,  to  act  a  villainous  part, 
and  prove  a  traitor  in  the  revolution  of  his  mission, 
and  then  turn  Hector  over  the  innocent  victim  whom 
he  swore  to  protect,  in  the  presence  of  Heaven, 
recorded  by  the  pen  of  an  angel. 


412     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

Striking  as  this  trait  may  unfold  itself  in  her  char- 
acter, and  as  pre-eminent  as  it  may  stand  among  the 
fair  display  of  her  other  qualities,  yet  there  is  another, 
which  struggles  into  existence,  and  adds  an  additional 
lustre  to  what  she  already  possesses.  I  mean  that  dis- 
position in  woman  which  enables  her,  in  sorrow,  in 
grief,  and  in  distress,  to  bear  all  with  enduring  patience. 
This  she  has  done,  and  can  and  will  do,  amid  the  din 
of  war  and  clash  of  arms.  Scenes  and  occurrences 
which,  to  every  appearance,  are  calculated  to  rend  the 
heart  with  the  profoundest  emotions  of  trouble,  do 
not  fetter  that  exalted  principle  imbued  in  her  very 
nature.  It  is  true,  her  tender  and  feeling  heart  may 
often  be  moved  (as  she  is  thus  constituted),  but  still 
she  is  not  conquered,  she  has  not  given  up  to  the 
harlequin  of  disappointments,  her  energies  have  not 
become  clouded  in  the  last  moment  of  misfortune,  but 
she  is  continually  invigorated  by  the  archetype  of  her 
affections.  She  may  bury  her  face  in  her  hands,  and 
let  the  tear  of  anguish  roll,  she  may  promenade  the 
delightful  walks  of  some  garden,  decorated  with  all  the 
flowers  of  nature,  or  she  may  steal  out  along  some 
gently  rippling  stream,  and  there,  as  the  silver  waters 
uninterruptedly  move  forward,  shed  her  silent  tears; 
they  mingle  with  the  waves,  and  take  a  last  farewell  of 
their  agitated  home,  to  seek  a  peaceful  dwelling  among 
the  rolling  floods ;  yet  there  is  a  voice  rushing  from 
her  breast,  that  proclaims  victory  along  the  whole  line 
and  battlement  of  her  affections.  That  voice  is  the 
voice  of  patience  and  resignation;  that  voice  is  one 
that  bears  everything  calmly  and  dispassionately,  amid 
the  most  distressing  scenes,  when  the  fates  are  arrayed 
against  her  peace,  and  apparently  plotting  for  her 
destruction,  still  she  is  resigned. 

Woman's  affections  are  deep,  consequently  her 
troubles  may  be  made  to  sink  deep.  Although  you 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     413 

may  not  be  able  to  mark  the  traces  of  her  grief  and  the 
furrowings  of  her  anguish  upon  her  winning  counte- 
nance, yet  be  assured  they  are  nevertheless  preying 
upon  her  inward  person,  sapping  the  very  foundation 
of  that  heart  which  alone  was  made  for  the  weal  and 
not  the  woe  of  man.  The  deep  recesses  of  the  soul 
are  fields  for  their  operation.  But  they  are  not 
destined  simply  to  take  the  regions  of  the  heart  for 
their  dominion,  they  are  not  satisfied  merely  with  inter- 
rupting her  better  feelings ;  but  after  a  while  you  may 
see  the  blooming  cheek  beginning  to  droop  and  fade, 
her  intelligent  eye  no  longer  sparkles  with  the  starry 
light  of  heaven,  her  vibrating  pulse  long  since  changed 
its  regular  motion,  and  her  palpitating  bosom  beats 
once  more  for  the  mid-day  of  her  glory.  Anxiety  and 
care  ultimately  throw  her  into  the  arms  of  the  haggard 
and  grim  monster  death.  But,  oh,  how  patient,  under 
every  pining  influence !  Let  us  view  the  matter  in 
bolder  colors ;  see  her  when  the  dearest  object  of  her 
affections  recklessly  seeks  every  bacchanalian  pleasure, 
contents  himself  with  the  last  rubbish  of  creation. 
With  what  solicitude  she  awaits  his  return !  Sleep 
fails  to  perform  its  office  —  she  weeps  while  the  noc- 
turnal shades  of  the  night  triumph  in  the  stillness. 
Bending  over  some  favorite  book,  whilst  the  author 
throws  before  her  mind  the  most  beautiful  imagery, 
she  startles  at  every  sound.  The  midnight  silence  is 
broken  by  the  solemn  announcement  of  the  return  of 
another  morning.  He  is  still  absent;  she  listens  for 
that  voice  which  has  so  often  been  greeted  by  the 
melodies  of  her  own ;  but,  alas !  stern  silence  is  all 
that  she  receives  for  her  vigilance. 

Mark  her  unwearied  watchfulness,  as  the  night  passes 
away.  At  last,  brutalized  by  the  accursed  thing,  he 
staggers  along  with  rage,  and,  shivering  with  cold,  he 
makes  his  appearance.  Not  a  murmur  is  heard  from 

27A 


414     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

her  lips.  On  the  contrary,  she  meets  him  with  a 
smile  —  she  caresses  him  with  her  tender  arms,  with 
all  the  gentleness  and  softness  of  her  sex.  Here,  then, 
is  seen  her  disposition,  beautifully  arrayed.  Woman, 
thou  art  more  to  be  admired  than  the  spicy  gales  of 
Arabia,  and  more  sought  for  than  the  gold  of  Gol- 
conda.  We  believe  that  Woman  should  associate  freely 
with  man,  and  we  believe  that  it  is  for  the  preservation 
of  her  rights.  She  should  become  acquainted  with  the 
metaphysical  designs  of  those  who  condescend  to  sing 
the  siren  song  of  flattery.  This,  we  think,  should  be 
according  to  the  unwritten  law  of  decorum,  which  is 
stamped  upon  every  innocent  heart.  The  precepts  of 
prudery  are  often  steeped  in  the  guilt  of  contamination, 
which  blasts  the  expectations  of  better  moments. 
Truth,  and  beautiful  dreams  —  loveliness,  and  delicacy 
of  character,  with  efeerished  affections  of  the  ideal 
woman  —  gentle  hopes  and  aspirations,  are  enough  to 
uphold  her  in  the  storms  of  darkness,  without  the 
"transferred  colorings  of  a  stained  sufferer.  How  often 
have  we  seen  it  in  our  public  prints,  that  woman  occu- 
pies a  false  station  in  the  world !  and  some  have  gone 
so  far  as  to  say  it  was  an  unnatural  one.  So  long  has 
she  been  regarded  a  weak  creature,  by  the  rabble  and 
illiterate  —  they  have  looked  upon  her  as  an  insufficient 
actress  on  the  great  stage  of  human  life  —  a  mere 
puppet,  to  fill  up  the  drama  of  human  existence  —  a 
thoughtless,  inactive  being  —  that  she  has  too  often 
come  to  the  same  conclusion  herself,  and  has  some- 
times forgotten  her  high  destination,  in  the  meridian  of 
her  glory.  We  have  but  little  sympathy  or  patience 
for  those  who  treat  her  as  a  mere  Rosy  Melindi  —  who 
are  always  fishing  for  pretty  compliments  —  who  are 
satisfied  by  the  gossamer  of  Romance,  and  who  can  be 
allured  by  the  verbosity  of  high-flown  words,  rich  in 
language,  but  poor  and  barren  in  sentiment.  Beset,  as 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     415 

3he  has  been,  by  the  intellectual  vulgar,  the  selfish,  the 
designing,  the  cunning,  the  hidden,  and  the  artful  — 
no  wonder  she  has  sometimes  folded  her  wings  in 
despair,  and  forgotten  her  heavenly  mission  in  the 
delirium  of  imagination ;  no  wonder  she  searches  out 
some  wild  desert,  to  find  a  peaceful  home.  But  this 
cannot  always  continue.  A  new  era  is  moving  gently 
onward,  old  things  are  rapidly  passing  away;  old 
superstitions,  old  prejudices,  and  old  notions  are  now 
bidding  farewell  to  their  old  associates  and  companions, 
and  giving  way  to  one  whose  wings  are  plumed  with 
the  light  of  heaven,  and  tinged  by  the  dews  of  the 
morning.  There  is  a  remnant  of  blessedness  that  clings 
to  her  in  spite  of  all  evil  influence,  there  is  enough  of 
the  Divine  Master  left,  to  accomplish  the  noblest  work 
ever  achieved  under  the  canopy  of  the  vaulted  skies ; 
and  that  time  is  fast  approaching,  when  the  picture  of 
the  true  woman  will  shine  from  its  frame  of  glory,  to 
captivate,  to  win  back,  to  restore,  and  to  call  into 
being  once  more,  the  object  of  her  mission. 

Star  of  the  brave !  thy  glory  shed, 

O'er  all  the  earth,  thy  army  led  — 

Bold  meteor  of  immortal  birth ! 

Why  come  from  Heaven  to  dwell  on  Earth? 

Mighty  and  glorious  are  the  days  of  youth ;  happy 
the  moments  of  the  lover,  mingled  with  smiles  and 
tears  of  his  devoted,  and  long  to  be  remembered  are 
the  achievements  which  he  gains  with  a  palpitating 
heart  and  a  trembling  hand.  A  bright  and  lovely 
dawn,  the  harbinger  of  a  fair  and  prosperous  day,  had 
arisen  over  the  beautiful  little  village  of  Cumming, 
which  is  surrounded  by  the  most  romantic  scenery  in 
the  Cherokee  country.  Brightening  clouds  seemed  to 
rise  from  the  mist  of  the  fair  Chattahoochee,  to  spread 
their  beauty  over  the  thick  forest,  to  guide  the  hero 


416    The  Enemy  Conquered ;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

whose  bosom  beats  with  aspirations  to  conquer  the 
enemy  that  would  tarnish  his  name,  and  to  win  back 
the  admiration  of  his  long-tried  friend.  He  endeavored 
to  make  his  way  through  Sawney's  Mountain,  where 
many  meet  to  catch  the  gales  that  are  continually 
blowing  for  the  refreshment  of  the  stranger  and  the 
traveler.  Surrounded  as  he  was  by  hills  on  every  side, 
naked  rocks  dared  the  efforts  of  his  energies.  Soon 
the  sky  became  overcast,  the  sun  buried  itself  in  the 
clouds,  and  the  fair  day  gave  place  to  gloomy  twilight, 
which  lay  heavily  on  the  Indian  Plains.  He  remem- 
bered an  old  Indian  Castle,  that  once  stood  at  the  foot 
of  the  mountain.  He  thought  if  he  could  make  his 
way  to  this,  he  would  rest  contented  for  a  short  time. 
The  mountain  air  breathed  fragrance  —  a  rosy  tinge 
rested  on  the  glassy  waters  that  murmured  at  its  base. 
His  resolution  soon  brought  him  to  the  remains  of  the 
red  man's  hut ;  he  surveyed  with  wonder  and  astonish- 
ment the  decayed  building,  which  time  had  buried  in 
the  dust,  and  thought  to  himself,  his  happiness  was  not 
yet  complete.  Beside  the  shore  of  the  brook  sat  a 
young  man,  about  eighteen  or  twenty,  who  seemed  to 
be  reading  some  favorite  book,  and  who  had  a  remark- 
ably noble  countenance  —  eyes  which  betrayed  more 
than  a  common  mind.  This  of  course  made  the 
youth  a  welcome  guest,  and  gained  him  friends  in 
whatever  condition  of  life  he  might  be  placed.  The 
traveler  observed  that  he  was  a  well-built  figure,  which 
showed  strength  and  grace  in  every  movement.  He 
accordingly  addressed  him  in  quite  a  gentlemanly 
manner,  and  inquired  of  him  the  way  to  the  village. 
After  he  had  received  the  desired  information,  and 
was  about  taking  his  leave,  the  youth  said,  "  Are  you 
not  Major  Elfonzo,  the  great  musician  —  the  champion 
of  a  noble  cause  —  the  modern  Achilles,  who  gained 
so  many  victories  in  the  Florida  War?1'  "  I  bear  that 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     417 

name,"  said  the  Major,  "  and  those  titles,  trusting  at 
the  same  time  that  the  ministers  of  grace  will  carry 
me  triumphantly  through  all  my  laudable  undertak- 
ings, and  if,'!  continued  the  Major,  "  you,  sir,  are  the 
patronizer  of  noble  deeds,  I  should  like  to  make  you 
my  confidant,  and  learn  your  address."  The  youth 
looked  somewhat  amazed,  bowed  low,  mused  for  a 
moment,  and  began:  **  My  name  is  Roswell.  I  have 
been  recently  admitted  to  the  bar,  and  can  only  give  a 
faint  outline  of  my  future  success  in  that  honorable 
profession;  but  I  trust,  sir,  like  the  Eagle,  I  shall  look 
down  from  lofty  rocks  upon  the  dwellings  of  man,  and 
shall  ever  be  ready  to  give  you  any  assistance  in  my 
official  capacity,  and  whatever  this  muscular  arm  of 
mine  can  do,  whenever  it  shall  be  called  from  its  buried 
greatness."  The  Major  grasped  him  by  the  hand,  and 
exclaimed :  "  O  \  thou  exalted  spirit  of  inspiration  — 
thou  flame  of  burning  prosperity,  may  the  Heaven- 
directed  blaze  be  the  glare  of  thy  soul,  and  battle  down 
every  rampart  that  seems  to  impede  your  progress  V 

The  road  which  led  to  the  town,  presented  many 
attractions.  Elfonzo  had  bid  farewell  to  the  youth  of 
deep  feeling,  and  was  now  wending  his  way  to  the 
dreaming  spot  of  his  fondness.  The  south  winds 
whistled  through  the  woods,  as  the  waters  dashed 
against  the  banks,  as  rapid  fire  in  the  pent  furnace 
roars.  This  brought  him  to  remember  while  alone, 
that  he  quietly  left  behind  the  hospitality  of  a  father's 
house,  and  gladly  entered  the  world,  with  higher  hopes 
than  are  often  realized.  But  as  he  journeyed  onward, 
he  was  mindful  of  the  advice  of  his  father,  who  had 
often  looked  sadly  on  the  ground,  when  tears  of  cruelly 
deceived  hope,  moistened  his  eye.  Elfonzo  had  been 
somewhat  of  a  dutiful  son;  yet  fond  of  the  amuse- 
ments of  life  —  had  been  in  distant  lands  —  had  en- 
joyed the  pleasure  of  the  world,  and  had  frequently 
27*** 


418     The  Eucmy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

returned  to  the  scenes  of  his  boyhood,  almost  destitute 
of  many  of  the  comforts  of  life.  In  this  condition,  he 
would  frequently  say  to  his  father,  "  Have  I  offended 
you,  that  you  look  upon  me  as  a  stranger,  and  frown 
upon  me  with  stinging  looks?  Will  you  not  favor  me 
with  the  sound  of  your  voice?  If  I  have  trampled 
upon  your  veneration,  or  have  spread  a  humid  veil  of 
darkness  around  your  expectations,  send  me  back  into 
the  world  where  no  heart  beats  for  me  —  where  the 
foot  of  man  has  never  yet  trod ;  but  give  me  at  least 
one  kind  word  —  allow  me  to  come  into  the  presence 
sometimes  of  thy  winterworn  locks."  "  Forbid  it, 
Heaven,  that  I  should  be  angry  with  thee,"  answered 
the  father,  "  my  son,  and  yet  I  send  thee  back  to  the 
children  of  the  world  —  to  the  cold  charity  of  the 
combat,  and  to  a  land  of  victory.  I  read  another 
destiny  in  thy  countenance  —  I  learn  thy  inclinations 
from  the  flame  that  has  already  kindled  in  my  soul  a 
strange  sensation.  It  will  seek  thee,  my  dear  Elfonzo, 
it  will  find  thee  —  thou  canst  not  escape  that  lighted 
torch,  which  shall  blot  out  from  the  remembrance  of 
men  a  long  train  of  prophecies  which  they  have  foretold 
against  thee.  I  once  thought  not  so.  Once,  I  was 
blind ;  but  now  the  path  of  life  is  plain  before  me,  and 
my  sight  is  clear;  yet  Elfonzo,  return  to  thy  worldly 
occupation  —  take  again  in  thy  hand  that  chord  of 
sweet  sounds  —  struggle  with  the  civilized  world,  and 
with  your  own  heart;  fly  swiftly  to  the  enchanted 
ground  —  let  the  night-  Owl  send  forth  its  screams 
from  the  stubborn  oak  —  let  the  sea  sport  upon  the 
beach,  and  the  stars  sing  together;  but  learn  of  these, 
Elfonzo,  thy  doom,  and  thy  hiding-place.  Our  most 
innocent  as  well  as  our  most  lawful  desires  must  often 
be  denied  us,  that  we  may  learn  to  sacrifice  them  to  a 
Higher  will." 

Remembering  such  admonitions  with  gratitude,  El- 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     419 

fonzo  was  immediately  urged  by  the  recollection  of  his 
father's  family  to  keep  moving.  His  steps  became 
quicker  and  quicker  —  he  hastened  through  the  piny 
woods,  dark  as  the  forest  was,  and  with  joy  he  very 
soon  reached  the  little  village  of  repose,  in  whose 
bosom  rested  the  boldest  chivalry.  His  close  attention 
to  every  important  object  —  his  modest  questions  about 
whatever  was  new  to  him  —  his  reverence  for  wise  old 
age,  and  his  ardent  desire  to  learn  many  of  the  fine 
arts,  soon  brought  him  into  respectable  notice. 

One  mild  winter  day  as  he  walked  along  the  streets 
towards  the  Academy,  which  stood  upon  a  small  emi- 
nence, surrounded  by  native  growth  —  some  venerable 
in  its  appearance,  others  young  and  prosperous  —  all 
seemed  inviting,  and  seemed  to  be  the  very  place  for 
learning  as  well  as  for  genius  to  spend  its  research 
beneath  its  spreading  shades.  He  entered  its  classic 
walls  in  the  usual  mode  of  southern  manners.  The 
principal  of  the  Institution  begged  him  to  be  seated, 
and  listen  to  the  recitations  that  were  going  on.  He 
accordingly  obeyed  the  request,  and  seemed  to  be 
much  pleased.  After  the  school  was  dismissed,  and 
the  young  hearts  regained  their  freedom,  with  the  songs 
of  the  evening,  laughing  at  the  anticipated  pleasures  of 
a  happy  home,  while  others  tittered  at  the  actions  of 
the  past  day,  he  addressed  the  teacher  in  a  tone  that 
indicated  a  resolution  —  with  an  undaunted  mind.  He 
said  he  had  determined  to  become  a  student,  if  he  could 
meet  with  his  approbation.  '*  Sir,"  said  he,  "  I  have 
spent  much  time  in  the  world.  I  have  traveled  among 
the  uncivilized  inhabitants  of  America.  I  have  met 
with  friends,  and  combated  with  foes;  but  none  of 
these  gratify  my  ambition,  or  decide  what  is  to  be  my 
destiny.  I  see  the  learned  world  have  an  influence  with 
the  voice  of  the  people  themselves.  The  despoilers  of 
the  remotest  kingdoms  of  the  earth,  refer  their  differ- 


420     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

ences  to  this  class  of  persons.  This  the  illiterate  and 
inexperienced  little  dream  of;  and  now  if  you  will  re- 
ceive me  as  I  am,  with  these  deficiencies  —  with  all  my 
misguided  opinions,  I  will  give  you  my  honor,  sir,  that 
I  will  never  disgrace  the  Institution,  or  those  who  have 
placed  you  in  this  honorable  station."  The  instructor, 
who  had  met  with  many  disappointments,  knew  how  to 
feel  for  a  stranger  who  had  been  thus  turned  upon  the 
charities  of  an  unfeeling  community.  He  looked  at 
him  earnestly,  and  said:  "Be  of  good  cheer  —  look 
forward,  sir,  to  the  high  destination  you  may  attain. 
Remember,  the  more  elevated  the  mark  at  which  you 
aim,  the  more  sure,  the  more  glorious,  the  more  mag- 
nificent the  prize."  From  wonder  to  wonder,  his 
encouragement  led  the  impatient  listener.  A  strange 
nature  bloomed  before  him  —  giant  streams  promised 
him  success  —  gardens  of  hidden  treasures  opened  to 
his  view.  All  this,  so  vividly  described,  seemed  to 
gain  a  new  witchery  from  his  glowing  fancy. 

In  1842,  he  entered  the  class,  and  made  rapid  prog- 
ress in  the  English  and  Latin  departments.  Indeed, 
he  continued  advancing  with  such  rapidity  that  he  was 
like  to  become  the  first  in  his  class,  and  made  such 
unexpected  progress,  and  was  so  studious,  that  he  had 
almost  forgotten  the  pictured  saint  of  his  affections. 
The  fresh  wreaths  of  the  pine  and  cypress,  had  waited 
anxiously  to  drop  once  more  the  dews  of  Heaven  upon 
the  heads  of  those  who  had  so  often  poured  forth 
the  tender  emotions  of  their  souls  under  its  boughs. 
He  was  aware  of  the  pleasure  that  he  had  seen  there. 
So  one  evening,  as  he  was  returning  from  his  reading, 
he  concluded  he  would  pay  a  visit  to  this  enchanting 
spot.  Little  did  he  think  of  witnessing  a  shadow  of 
his  former  happiness,  though  no  doubt,  he  wished  it 
might  be  so.  He  continued  sauntering  by  the  road- 
side, meditating  on  the  past.  The  nearer  he  approached 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     421 

the  spot,  the  more  anxious  he  became.  At  that  mo- 
ment,  a  tall  female  figure  flitted  across  his  path,  with  a 
bunch  of  roses  in  her  hand ;  her  countenance  showed 
uncommon  vivacity,  with  a  resolute  spirit;  her  ivory 
teeth  already  appeared  as  she  smiled  beautifully,  prom- 
enading,— while  her  ringlets  of  hair  dangled  uncon- 
sciously around  her  snowy  neck.  Nothing  was  wanting 
to  complete  her  beauty.  The  tinge  of  the  rose  was  in 
full  bloom  upon  her  cheek ;  the  charms  of  sensibility 
and  tenderness  were  always  her  associates.  In  Ambu- 
linia's  bosom  dwelt  a  noble  soul  —  one  that  never 
faded  —  one  that  never  was  conquered.  Her  heart 
yielded  to  no  feeling  but  the  love  of  Elfonzo,  on 
whom  she  gazed  with  intense  delight,  and  to  whom  she 
felt  herself  more  closely  bound,  because  he  sought  the 
hand  of  no  other.  Elfonzo  was  roused  from  his  ap- 
parent reverie.  His  books  no  longer  were  his  insepar- 
able companions  —  his  thoughts  arrayed  themselves  to 
encourage  him  to  the  field  of  victory.  He  endeavored 
to  speak  to  his  supposed  Ambulinia,  but  his  speech 
appeared  not  in  words.  No,  his  effort  was  a  stream 
of  fire,  that  kindled  his  soul  into  a  flame  of  admiration, 
and  carried  his  senses  away  captive.  Ambulinia  had 
disappeared,  to  make  him  more  mindful  of  his  duty. 
As  she  walked  speedily  away  through  the  piny  woods, 
she  calmly  echoed  :  "  O  !  Elfonzo,  thou  wilt  now  look 
from  thy  sunbeams.  Thou  shalt  now  walk  in  a  new 
path  —  perhaps  thy  way  leads  through  darkness ;  but 
fear  not,  the  stars  foretell  happiness." 

Not  many  days  afterwards,  as  surrounded  by  fra- 
grant flowers,  she  sat  one  evening  at  twilight,  to  enjoy 
the  cool  breeze  that  whispered  notes  of  melody  along 
the  distant  groves,  the  little  birds  perched  on  every 
side,  as  if  to  watch  the  movements  of  their  new  visitor. 
The  bells  were  tolling,  when  Elfonzo  silently  stole 
along  by  the  wild  wood  flowers,  holding  in  his  hand 


422     The  Enemy  Conquered ;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

his  favorite  instrument  of  music  —  his  eye  continually 
searching  for  Ambulinia,  who  hardly  seemed  to  per- 
ceive him,  as  she  played  carelessly  with  the  songsters 
that  hopped  from  branch  to  branch.  Nothing  could 
be  more  striking  than  the  difference  between  the  two. 
Nature  seemed  to  have  given  the  more  tender  soul  to 
Elfonzo,  and  the  stronger  and  more  courageous  to 
Ambulinia.  A  deep  feeling  spoke  from  the  eyes  of 
Elfonzo, —  such  a  feeling  as  can  only  be  expressed  by 
those  who  are  blessed  as  admirers,  and  by  those  who 
are  able  to  return  the  same  with  sincerity  of  heart.  He 
was  a  few  years  older  than  Ambulinia;  she  had  turned  a 
little  into  her  seventeenth.  He  had  almost  grown  up  in 
the  Cherokee  country,  with  the  same  equal  proportions 
as  one  of  the  natives.  But  little  intimacy  had  existed 
between  them  until  the  year  forty-one  —  because  the 
youth  felt  that  the  character  of  such  a  lovely  girl  was 
too  exalted  to  inspire  any  other  feeling  than  that  of 
quiet  reverence.  But  as  lovers  will  not  always  be  in- 
sulted, at  all  times  and  under  all  circumstances,  by  the 
frowns  and  cold  looks  of  crabbed  old  age,  which 
should  continually  reflect  dignity  upon  those  around, 
and  treat  the  unfortunate  as  well  as  the  fortunate  with 
a  graceful  mien,  he  continued  to  use  diligence  and 
perseverance.  All  this  lighted  a  spark  in  his  heart  that 
changed  his  whole  character,  and  like  the  unyielding 
Deity  that  follows  the  storm  to  check  its  rage  in  the 
forest,  he  resolves  for  the  first  time  to  shake  off  his 
embarrassment,  and  return  where  he  had  before  only 
worshiped. 

It  could  not  escape  Ambulinia' s  penetrating  eye  that 
he  sought  an  interview  with  her,  which  she  as  anxiously 
avoided,  and  assumed  a  more  distant  calmness  than 
before,  seemingly  to  destroy  all  hope.  After  many 
efforts  and  struggles  with  his  own  person,  with  timid 
steps  the  Major  approached  the  damsel,  with  the  same 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     423 

caution  as  he  would  have  done  in  a  field  of  battle. 
*'  Lady  Ambulinia,"  said  he,  trembling,  "  I  have  long 
desired  a  moment  like  this.  I  dare  not  let  it  escape. 
I  fear  the  consequences ;  yet  I  hope  your  indulgence 
will  at  least  hear  my  petition.  Can  you  not  anticipate 
what  I  would  say,  and  what  I  am  about  to  express? 
Will  not  you,  like  Minerva,  who  sprung  from  the  brain 
of  Jupiter,  release  me  from  thy  winding  chains  or  cure 
me — "  "  Say  no  more,  Elfonzo,"  answered  Ambu- 
linia, with  a  serious  look,  raising  her  hand  as  if  she 
intended  to  swear  eternal  hatred  against  the  whole 
world ;  '*  another  lady  in  my  place  would  have  perhaps 
answered  your  question  in  bitter  coldness.  I  know 
not  the  little  arts  of  my  sex.  I  care  but  little  for  the 
vanity  of  those  who  would  chide  me,  and  am  unwilling 
as  well  as  ashamed  to  be  guilty  of  anything  that  would 
lead  you  to  think  *  all  is  not  gold  that  glitters  ' ;  so  be 
not  rash  in  your  resolution.  It  is  better  to  repent  now, 
than  to  do  it  in  a  more  solemn  hour.  Yes,  I  know 
what  you  would  say.  I  know  you  have  a  costly  gift 
for  me  —  the  noblest  that  man  can  make  — your  heart  ! 
you  should  not  offer  it  to  one  so  unworthy.  Heaven, 
you  know,  has  allowed  my  father's  house  to  be  made  a 
house  of  solitude,  a  home  of  silent  obedience,  which 
my  parents  say  is  more  to  be  admired  than  big  names 
and  high-sounding  titles.  Notwithstanding  all  this,  let 
me  speak  the  emotions  of  an  honest  heart ;  allow  me 
to  say  in  the  fullness  of  my  hopes  that  I  anticipate 
better  days.  The  bird  may  stretch  its  wings  towards 
the  sun,  which  it  can  never  reach ;  and  flowers  of  the 
field  appear  to  ascend  in  the  same  direction,  because 
they  cannot  do  otherwise ;  but  man  confides  his  com- 
plaints to  the  saints  in  whom  he  believes ;  for  in  their 
abodes  of  light  they  know  no  more  sorrow.  From 
your  confession  and  indicative  looks,  I  must  be  that 
person;  if  so,  deceive  not  yourself ." 


424     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

Elfonzo  replied,  "  Pardon  me,  my  dear  madam,  for 
my  frankness.  I  have  loved  you  from  my  earliest 
days ;  everything  grand  and  beautiful  hath  borne  the 
image  of  Ambulinia;  while  precipices  on  every  hand 
surrounded  me,  your  guardian  angel  stood  and  beck- 
oned me  away  from  the  deep  abyss.  In  every  trial,  in 
every  misfortune,  I  have  met  with  your  helping  hand ; 
yet  I  never  dreamed  or  dared  to  cherish  thy  love  till  a 
voice  impaired  with  age  encouraged  the  cause,  and 
declared  they  who  acquired  thy  favor  should  win  a 
victory.  I  saw  how  Leos  worshiped  thee.  I  felt  my 
own  unworthiness.  I  began  to  know  jealousy  —  a 
strong  guest,  indeed,  in  my  bosom  —  yet  I  could  see 
if  I  gained  your  admiration  Leos  was  to  be  my  rival.  I 
was  aware  that  he  had  the  influence  of  your  parents, 
and  the  wealth  of  a  deceased  relative,  which  is  too 
often  mistaken  for  permanent  and  regular  tranquillity ; 
yet  I  have  determined  by  your  permission  to  beg  an 
interest  in  your  prayers  —  to  ask  you  to  animate  my 
drooping  spirits  by  your  smiles  and  your  winning 
looks;  for  if  you  but  speak  I  shall  be  conqueror, 
my  enemies  shall  stagger  like  Olympus  shakes.  And 
though  earth  and  sea  may  tremble,  and  the  charioteer 
of  the  sun  may  forget  his  dashing  steed,  yet  I  am 
assured  that  it  is  only  to  arm  rne  with  divine  weapons 
which  will  enable  me  to  complete  my  long-tried  inten- 
tion." "  Return  to  yourself,  Elfonzo,"  said  Ambu- 
linia, pleasantly;  "  a  dream  of  vision  has  disturbed 
your  intellect;  you  are  above  the  atmosphere,  dwelling 
in  the  celestial  regions ;  nothing  is  there  that  urges  or 
hinders,  nothing  that  brings  discord  into  our  present 
litigation.  I  entreat  you  to  condescend  a  little,  and  be 
a  man,  and  forget  it  all.  When  Homer  describes  the 
battle  of  the  gods  and  noble  men  fighting  with  giants 
and  dragons,  they  represent  under  this  image  our 
struggles  with  the  delusions  of  our  passions.  You 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     425 

have  exalted  me,  an  unhappy  girl,  to  the  skies ;  you 
have  called  me  a  saint,  and  portrayed  in  your  imagina- 
tion an  angel  in  human  form.  Let  her  remain  such  to 
you,  let  her  continue  to  be  as  you  have  supposed,  and 
be  assured  that  she  will  consider  a  share  in  your  esteem 
as  her  highest  treasure.  Think  not  that  I  would  allure 
you  from  the  path  in  which  your  conscience  leads  you ; 
for  you  know  I  respect  the  conscience  of  others,  as  I 
would  die  for  my  own.  Elfonzo,  if  I  am  worthy  of 
thy  love,  let  such  conversation  never  again  pass  be- 
tween us.  Go,  seek  a  nobler  theme  !  we  will  seek  it  in 
the  stream  of  time,  as  the  sun  set  in  the  Tigris."  As 
she  spake  these  words  she  grasped  the  hand  of  Elfonzo, 
saying  at  the  same  time,  "  Peace  and  prosperity  attend 
you,  my  hero:  be  up  and  doing!"  Closing  her  re- 
marks with  this  expression,  she  walked  slowly  away, 
leaving  Elfonzo  astonished  and  amazed.  He  ventured 
not  to  follow  or  detain  her.  Here  he  stood  alone, 
gazing  at  the  stars;  confounded  as  he  was,  here  he 
stood.  The  rippling  stream  rolled  on  at  his  feet, 
Twilight  had  already  begun  to  draw  her  sable  mantle 
over  the  earth,  and  now  and  then  the  fiery  smoke 
would  ascend  from  the  little  town  which  lay  spread  out 
before  him.  The  citizens  seemed  to  be  full  of  life  and 
good-humor;  but  poor  Elfonzo  saw  not  a  brilliant 
scene.  No;  his  future  life  stood  before  him,  stripped 
of  the  hopes  that  once  adorned  all  his  sanguine  desires. 
"Alas!"  said  he,  *' am  I  now  Grief's  disappointed 
son  at  last."  Ambulinia's  image  rose  before  his  fancy. 
A  mixture  of  ambition  and  greatness  of  soul  moved 
upon  his  young  heart,  and  encouraged  him  to  bear  all 
his  crosses  with  the  patience  of  a  Job,  notwithstanding 
he  had  to  encounter  with  so  many  obstacles.  He  still 
endeavored  to  prosecute  his  studies,  and  reasonably 
progressed  in  his  education.  Still,  he  was  not  content; 
there  was  something  yet  to  be  done  before  his  happi- 


426     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

ness  was  complete.  He  would  visit  his  friends  and  ac- 
quaintances. They  would  invite  him  to  social  parties, 
insisting  that  he  should  partake  of  the  amusements  that 
were  going  on.  This  he  enjoyed  tolerably  well.  The 
ladies  and  gentlemen  were  generality  well  pleased  with 
the  Major;  as  he  delighted  all  with  his  violin,  which 
seemed  to  have  a  thousand  chords  —  more  symphoni- 
ous  than  the  Muses  of  Apollo,  and  more  enchanting 
than  the  ghost  of  the  Hills.  He  passed  some  days  in 
the  country.  During  that  time  Leos  had  made  roany 
calls  upon  Ambulinia,  who  was  generally  received  with 
a  great  deal  of  courtesy  by  the  family.  They  thought 
him  to  be  a  young  man  worthy  of  attention,  though  he 
had  but  little  in  his  soul  to  attract  the  attention  or 
even  win  the  affections  of  her  whose  graceful  manners 
had  almost  made  him  a  slave  to  every  bewitching  look 
that  fell  from  her  eyes.  Leos  made  several  attempts 
to  tell  her  of  his  fair  prospects  —  how  much  he  loved 
her,  and  how  much  it  would  add  to  his  bliss  if  he  could 
but  think  she  would  be  willing  to  share  these  blessings 
with  him;  but,  choked  by  his  undertaking,  he  made 
himself  more  like  an  inactive  drone,  than  he  did  like 
one  who  bowed  at  beauty's  shrine. 

Elfonzo  again  wends  his  way  to  the  stately  walls  and 
new-built  village.  He  now  determines  to  see  the  end 
of  the  prophecy  which  had  been  foretold  to  him.  The 
clouds  burst  from  his  sight;  he  believes  if  he  can  but 
see  his  Ambulinia,  he  can  open  to  her  view  the  bloody 
altars  that  have  been  misrepresented  to  stigmatize  his 
name.  He  knows  that  her  breast  is  transfixed  with  the 
sword  of  reason,  and  ready  at  all  times  to  detect  the 
hidden  villainy  of  her  enemies.  He  resolves  to  see  her 
in  her  own  home,  with  the  consoling  theme :  *  *  I  can 
but  perish  if  I  go.'  Let  the  consequences  be  what 
they  may,"  said  he,  "  if  I  die,  it  shall  be  contending 
and  struggling  for  my  own  rights." 


The  finemy  Conquered ;  or,  Love  Triumphant     427 

Night  had  almost  overtaken  him  when  he  arrived  in 
town.  Colonel  Elder,  a  noble-hearted,  high-minded, 
and  independent  man,  met  him  at  his  door  as  usual,. 
and  seized  him  by  the  hand.  '  Well,  Elfonzo,"  said 
the  Colonel,  "  how  does  the  world  use  you  in  your 
efforts?"  *'  I  have  no  objection  to  the  world,"  said 
Elfonzo,  "  but  the  people  are  rather  singular  in  some 
of  their  opinions."  "  Aye,  well,"  said  the  Colonel, 
'*  you  must  remember  that  creation  is  made  up  cf 
many  mysteries ;  just  take  things  by  the  right  handle ; 
be  always  sure  you  know  which  is  the  smooth  side 
before  you  attempt  your  polish ;  be  reconciled  to  your 
fate,  be  it  what  it  may;  and  never  find  fault  with  your 
condition,  unless  your  complaining  will  benefit  it. 
Perseverance  is  a  principle  that  should  be  commend- 
able in  those  who  have  judgment  to  govern  it.  I 
should  never  have  been  so  successful  in  my  hunting 
excursions  had  I  waited  till  the  deer,  by  some  magic 
dream,  had  been  drawn  to  the  muzzle  of  the  gun  before 
I  made  an  attempt  to  fire  at  the  game  that  dared  my 
boldness  in  the  wild  forest.  The  great  mystery  in 
hunting  seems  to  be  —  a  good  marksman,  a  resolute 
mind,  a  fixed  determination,  and  my  word  for  it,  you 
will  never  return  home  without  sounding  your  horn 
with  the  breath  of  a  new  victory.  And  so  with  every 
other  undertaking.  Be  confident  that  your  ammunition 
is  of  the  right  kind  —  always  pull  your  trigger  with  a 
steady  hand,  and  so  soon  as  you  perceive  a  calm,  touch 
her  off,  and  the  spoils  are  yours." 

This  filled  him  with  redoubled  vigor,  and  he  set  out 
with  a  stronger  anxiety  than  ever  to  the  home  of 
Ambulinia.  A  few  short  steps  soon  brought  him  to 
the  door,  half  out  of  breath.  He  rapped  gently. 
Ambulinia,  who  sat  in  the  parlor  alone,  suspecting 
Elfonzo  was  near,  ventured  to  the  door,  opened  it,  and 
beheld  the  hero,  who  stood  in  an  humble  attitude, 


428     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

bowed  gracefully,  and  as  they  caught  each  other's 
looks,  the  light  of  peace  beamed  from  the  eyes  of 
Ambulinia.  Elfonzo  caught  the  expression;  a  halloo 
of  smothered  shouts  ran  through  every  vein,  and  fof 
the  first  time  he  dared  to  impress  a  kiss  upon  her 
cheek.  The  scene  was  overwhelming;  had  the  tempta- 
tion been  less  animating,  he  would  not  have  ventured 
to  have  acted  so  contrary  to  the  desired  wish  of  his 
Ambulinia ;  but  who  could  have  withstood  the  irresisti- 
ble temptation  !  What  society  condemns  the  practice, 
but  a  cold,  heartless,  uncivilized  people,  that  know 
nothing  of  the  warm  attachments  of  refined  society? 
Here  the  dead  was  raised  to  his  long  cherished  hopes, 
and  the  lost  was  found.  Here  all  doubt  and  danger 
were  buried  in  the  vortex  of  oblivion ;  sectional  differ- 
ences no  longer  disunited  their  opinions ;  like  the  freed 
bird  from  the  cage,  sportive  claps  its  rustling  wings, 
wheels  about  to  heaven  in  a  joyful  strain,  and  raises  its 
notes  to  the  upper  sky.  Ambulinia  insisted  upon  El- 
fonzo to  be  seated,  and  give  her  a  history  of  his 
unnecessary  absence ;  assuring  him  the  family  had  re- 
tired, consequently  they  would  ever  remain  ignorant  of 
his  visit.  Advancing  towards  him,  she  gave  a  bright 
display  of  her  rosy  neck,  and  from  her  head  the  am- 
brosial locks  breathed  divine  fragrance ;  her  robe  hung 
waving  to  his  view,  while  she  stood  like  a  goddess 
confessed  before  him.  . 

"  It  does  seem  to  me,  my  dear  sir,"  said  Ambulinia, 
"  that  you  have  been  gone  an  age.  Oh,  the  restless 
hours  I  have  spent  since  I  last  saw  you,  in  yon  beauti- 
ful grove.  There  is  where  I  trifled  with  your  feelings 
for  the  express  purpose  of  trying  your  attachment  for 
me.  I  now  find  you  are  devoted  ;  but  ah  !  I  trust  you 
live  not  unguarded  by  the  powers  of  Heaven.  Though 
oft  did  I  refuse  to  join  my  hand  with  thine,  and  as  oft 
did  I  cruelly  mock  thy  entreaties  with  borrowed 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     429 

shapes:  yes,  I  feared  to  answer  thee  by  terms,  in 
words  sincere  and  undissembled.  O  !  could  I  pursue, 
and  you  had  leisure  to  hear  the  annals  of  my  woes,  the 
evening  star  would  shut  Heaven's  gates  upon  the  im- 
pending day,  before  my  tale  would  be  finished,  and 
this  night  would  find  me  soliciting  your  forgiveness." 
'  Dismiss  thy  fears  and  thy  doubts,"  replied  Elfonzo. 
€'Look,  O!  look:  that  angelic  look  of  thine, —  bathe 
not  thy  visage  in  tears ;  banish  those  floods  that  are 
gathering;  let  my  confession  and  my  presence  bring 
thee  some  relief."  "  Theft,  indeed,  I  will  be  cheer- 
ful," said  Ambulinia,  "  and  I  think  if  we  will  go  to 
the  exhibition  this  evening,  we  certainly  will  see  some- 
thing worthy  of  our  attention.  One  of  the  most  tragical 
scenes  is  to  be  acted  that  has  ever  been  witnessed,  and 
one  that  every  jealous-hearted  person  should  learn  a 
lesson  from.  It  cannot  fail  to  have  a  good  effect,  as  it 
will  be  performed  by  those  who  are  young  and  vigor- 
ous, and  learned  as  well  as  enticing.  You  are  aware, 
Major  Elfonzo,  who  are  to  appear  on  the  stage,  and 
what  the  characters  are  to  represent."  "  I  am  ac- 
quainted with  the  circumstances,"  replied  Elfonzo, 
11  and  as  I  am  to  be  one  of  the  musicians  upon  that 
interesting  occasion,  I  should  be  much  gratified  if  you 
would  favor  me  with  your  company  during  the  hours  of 
the  exercises." 

'  What  strange  notions  are  in  your  mind?"  inquired 
Ambulinia.  l<  Now  I  know  you  have  something  in 
view,  and  I  desire  you  to  tell  me  why  it  is  that  you  are 
so  anxious  that  I  should  continue  with  you  while  the 
exercises  are  going  on ;  though  if  you  think  I  can  add 
to  your  happiness  and  predilections,  I  have  no  particu- 
lar objection  to  acquiesce  in  your  request.  Oh,  I 
think  I  foresee,  now,  what  you  anticipate."  "  And 
will  you  have  the  goodness  to  tell  me  what  you  think 
it  to  be?"  inquired  Elfonzo.  "  By  all  means,"  an< 

28A 


430     The  Enemy  Conquered ;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

swered  Ambulinia;  '*  a  rival,  sir,  you  would  fancy  in 
your  own  mind;  but  let  me  say  to  you,  fear  not!  fear 
not !  I  will  be  one  of  the  last  persons  to  disgrace  my 
sex,  by  thus  encouraging  every  one  who  may  feel  dis- 
posed to  visit  me,  who  may  honor  me  with  their  grace- 
ful bows  and  their  choicest  compliments.  It  is  truet 
that  young  men  too  often  mistake  civil  politeness  for 
the  finer  emotions  of  the  heart,  which  is  tantamount  to 
courtship  ;  but,  ah  !  how  often  are  they  deceived,  when 
they  come  to  test  the  weight  of  sunbeams,  with  those 
on  whose  strength  hangs  the  future  happiness  of  an 
untried  life." 

The  people  were  now  rushing  to  the  Academy  with 
impatient  anxiety ;  the  band  of  music  was  closely  fol- 
lowed by  the  students ;  then  the  parents  and  guardians ; 
nothing  interrupted  the  glow  of  spirits  which  ran 
through  every  bosom,  tinged  with  the  songs  of  a  Virgil 
and  the  tide  of  a  Homer.  Elfonzo  and  Ambulinia 
soon  repaired  to  the  scene,  and  fortunately  for  them 
both  the  house  was  so  crowded  that  they  took  their 
seats  together  in  the  music  department,  which  was  not 
in  view  of  the  auditory.  This  fortuitous  circumstance 
added  more  to  the  bliss  of  the  Major  than  a  thousand 
such  exhibitions  would  have  done.  He  forgot  that  he 
was  man ;  music  had  lost  its  charms  for  him ;  when- 
ever he  attempted  to  carry  his  part,  the  string  of  the 
instrument  would  break,  the  bow  became  stubborn, 
and  refused  to  obey  the  loud  calls  of  the  audience. 
Here,  he  said,  was  the  paradise  of  his  home,  the  long- 
sought-for  opportunity;  he  felt  as  though  he  could 
send  a  million  supplications  to  the  throne  of  Heaven, 
for  such  an  exalted  privilege.  Poor  Leos,  who  was 
somewhere  in  the  crowd,  looking  as  attentively  as  if  he 
was  searching  for  a  needle  in  a  haystack ;  here  he 
stood,  wondering  to  himself  why  Ambulinia  was  not 
there.  *' Where  can  she  be?  Oh!  if  she  was  only 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     431 

here,  how  I  could  relish  the  scene !  Elfonzo  is  cer- 
tainly not  in  town;  but  what  if  he  is?  I  have  got  the 
wealth,  if  I  have  not  the  dignity,  and  I  am  sure  that 
the  squire  and  his  lady  have  always  been  particular 
friends  of  mine,  and  I  think  with  this  assurance  I  shall 
be  able  to  get  upon  the  blind  side  of  the  rest  of  the 
family,  and  make  the  heaven-born  Ambulinia  the  mis- 
tress of  all  I  possess."  Then,  again,  he  would  drop 
his  head,  as  if  attempting  to  solve  the  most  difficult 
problem  in  Euclid.  While  he  was  thus  conjecturing  in 
his  own  mind,  a  very  interesting  part  of  the  exhibition 
was  going  on,  which  called  the  attention  of  all  present. 
The  curtains  of  the  stage  waved  continually  by  the 
repelled  forces  that  were  given  to  them,  which  caused 
Leos  to  behold  Ambulinia  leaning  upon  the  chair  of 
Elfonzo.  Her  lofty  beauty,  seen  by  the  glimmering 
of  the  chandelier,  filled  his  heart  with  rapture,  he  knew 
not  how  to  contain  himself;  to  go  where  they  were, 
would  expose  him  to  ridicule ;  to  continue  where  he 
was,  with  such  an  object  before  him,  without  being 
allowed  an  explanation  in  that  trying  hour,  would  be  to 
the  great  injury  of  his  mental  as  well  as  of  his  physical 
powers;  and,  in  the  name  of  high  heaven,  what  must 
he  do?  Finally,  he  resolved  to  contain  himself  as  well 
as  he  conveniently  could,  until  the  scene  was  over,  and 
then  he  would  plant  himself  at  the  door,  to  arrest 
Ambulinia  from  the  hands  of  the  insolent  Elfonzo,  and 
thus  make  for  himself  a  more  prosperous  field  of  im- 
mortality than  ever  was  decreed  by  Omnipotence,  or 
ever  pencil  drew  or  artist  imagined.  Accordingly  he 
made  himself  sentinel,  immediately  after  the  perform- 
ance of  the  evening, —  retained  his  position  apparently 
in  defiance  of  all  the  world,  he  waited,  he  gazed  at 
every  lady,  his  whole  frame  trembled;  here  he  stood, 
until  everything  like  human  shape  had  disappeared 
from  the  institution,  and  he  had  done  nothing;  he  had 


432     The  Enemy  Conquered ;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

failed  to  accomplish  that  which  he  so  eagerly  sought 
for.  Poor,  unfortunate  creature !  he  had  not  the  eyes 
of  an  Argus,  or  he  might  have  seen  his  Juno  and  El- 
fonzo,  assisted  by  his  friend  Sigma,  make  their  escape 
from  the  window,  and,  with  the  rapidity  of  a  race- 
horse, hurry  through  the  blast  of  the  storm,  to  the 
residence  of  her  father,  without  being  recognized.  He 
did  not  tarry  long,  but  assured  Ambulinia  the  endless 
chain  of  their  existence  was  more  closely  connected 
than  ever,  since  he  had  seen  the  virtuous,  innocent, 
imploring,  and  the  constant  Amelia  murdered  by  the 
jealous-hearted  Farcillo,  the  accursed  of  the  land. 

The  following  is  the  tragical  scene,  which  is  only 
introduced  to  show  the  subject  matter  that  enabled 
Elfonzo  to  come  to  such  a  determinate  resolution,  that 
nothing  of  the  kind  should  ever  dispossess  him  of  his 
true  character,  should  he  be  so  fortunate  as  to  succeed 
in  his  present  undertaking. 

Amelia  was  the  wife  of  Farcillo,  and  a  virtuous 
woman;  Gracia,  a  young  lady,  was  her  particular 
friend  and  confidant.  Farcillo  grew  jealous  of  Amelia, 
murders  her,  finds  out  that  he  was  deceived,  and  stabs 
himself.  Amelia  appears  alone,  talking  to  herself. 

A.  Hail,  ye  solitary  ruins  of  antiquity,  ye  sacred 
tombs  and  silent  walks !  it  is  your  aid  I  invoke ;  it  is 
to  you,  my  soul,  wrapt  in  deep  meditation,  pours  forth 
its  prayer.  Here  I  wander  upon  the  stage  of  mortality, 
since  the  world  hath  turned  against  me.  Those  whom 
I  believed  to  be  my  friends,  alas  !  are  now  my  enemies, 
planting  thorns  in  all  my  paths,  poisoning  all  my 
pleasures,  and  turning  the  past  to  pain.  What  a 
lingering  catalogue  of  sighs  and  tears  lies  just  before 
me,  crowding  my  aching  bosom  with  the  fleeting  dream 
of  humanity,  which  must  shortly  terminate.  And  to 
what  purpose  will  all  this  bustle  of  life,  these  agitations 
and  emotions  of  the  heart  have  conduced,  if  it  leave 


The  Enemy  Conquered ;  or,  Love  Triumphant     433 

behind  it  nothing  of  utility,  if  it  leave  no  traces  of 
improvement?  Can  it  be  that  I  am  deceived  in  my 
conclusions?  No,  I  see  that  I  have  nothing  to  hope 
for,  but  everything  to  fear,  which  tends  to  drive  me 
from  the  walks  of  time. 

Oh  !  in  this  dead  night,  if  loud  winds  arise, 
To  lash  the  surge  and  bluster  in  the  skies, 
May  the  west  its  furious  rage  display, 
Toss  me  with  storms  in  the  watery  way. 

(Enter  Gracia.) 

G.  Oh,  Amelia,  is  it  you,  the  object  of  grief,  the 
daughter  of  opulence,  of  wisdom  and  philosophy,  that 
thus  complaineth?  It  cannot  be  you  are  the  child  of 
misfortune,  speaking  of  the  monuments  of  former  ages, 
which  were  allotted  not  for  the  reflection  of  the  dis- 
tressed, but  for  the  fearless  and  bold. 

A.  Not  the  child  of  poverty,  Gracia,  or  the  heir  of 
glory  and  peace,  but  of  fate.  Remember,  I  have 
wealth  more  than  wit  can  number ;  I  have  had  power 
more  than  kings  could  encompass ;  yet  the  world  seems 
a  desert;  all  nature  appears  an  afflictive  spectacle  of 
warring  passions.  This  blind  fatality,  that  capriciously 
sports  with  the  rules  and  lives  of  mortals,  tells  me  that 
the  mountains  will  never  again  send  forth  the  water  of 
their  springs  to  my  thirst.  Oh,  that  I  might  be  freed 
and  set  at  liberty  from  wretchedness !  But  I  fear,  I 
fear  this  will  never  be. 

G.  Why,  Amelia,  this  untimely  grief?  What  has 
caused  the  sorrows  that  bespeak  better  and  happier 
days,  to  thus  lavish  out  such  heaps  of  misery?  You 
are  aware  that  your  instructive  lessons  embellish  the 
mind  with  holy  truths,  by  wedding  its  attention  to  none 
but  great  and  noble  affections. 

A.  This,  of  course,  is  some  consolation.  I  will  ever 
love  my  own  species  with  feelings  of  a  fond  recollec- 
28*** 


434     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

tion,  and  while  I  am  studying  to  advance  the  universal 
philanthropy,  and  the  spotless  name  of  my  own  sex,  I 
will  try  to  build  my  own  upon  the  pleasing  belief  that 
I  have  accelerated  the  advancement  of  one  who  whis- 
pers of  departed  confidence. 

And  I,  like  some  poor  peasant  fated  to  reside 

Remote  from  friends,  in  a  forest  wide. 
Oh,  see  what  woman's  woes  and  human  wants  require, 
Since  that  great  day  hath  spread  the  seed  of  sinful  fire. 

G.  Look  up,  thou  poor  disconsolate  ;  you  speak  of 
quitting  earthly  enjoyments.  Unfold  thy  bosom  to  a 
friend,  who  would  be  willing  to  sacrifice  every  enjoy- 
ment for  the  restoration  of  that  dignity  and  gentleness 
of  mind  which  used  to  grace  your  walks,  and  which  is 
so  natural  to  yourself;  not  only  that,  but  your  paths 
were  strewed  with  flowers  of  every  hue  and  of  every 
order. 


verdant  green  the  mountains  glow, 
For  thee,  fcr  thee,  Khe  lilies  grow; 
Far  stretched  beneath  the  tented  hills, 
A  fairer  flower  the  valley  fills. 

A.  Oh,  would  to  Heaven  I  Could  give  you  a  short 
narrative  of  my  former  prospects  for  happiness,  since 
you  have  acknowledged  to  be  an  unchangeable  con- 
fidant —  the  richest  of  all  other  blessings.  Oh,  ye 
names  forever  glorious,  ye  celebrated  scenes,  ye  re- 
nowned spot  of  my  hymeneal  moments;  how  replete 
is  your  chart  with  sublime  reflections  !  How  many 
profound  vows,  decorated  with  immaculate  deeds,  are 
written  upon  the  surface  of  that  precious  spot  of  earth 
where  I  yielded  up  my  life  of  celibacy,  bade  youth 
with  all  its  beauties  a  final  adieu,  took  a  last  farewell 
of  the  laurels  that  had  accompanied  me  up  the  hill  of 
my  juvenile  career.  It  was  then  I  began  to  descend 
towards  the  valley  of  disappointment  and  sorrow;  it 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     435 

was  then  I  cast  my  little  bark  upon  a  mysterious  ocean 
of  wedlock,  with  him  who  then  smiled  and  caressed 
me,  but,  alas !  now  frowns  with  bitterness,  and  has 
grown  jealous  and  cold  towards  me,  because  the  ring 
he  gave  me  is  misplaced  or  lost.  Oh,  bear  me,  ye 
flowers  of  memory,  softly  through  the  eventful  history 
of  past  times ;  and  ye  places  that  have  witnessed  the 
progression  of  man  in  the  circle  of  so  many  societies, 
aid,  oh,  aid  my  recollection,  while  I  endeavor  to  trace 
the  vicissitudes  of  a  life  devoted  in  endeavoring  to 
comfort  him  that  I  claim  as  the  object  of  my  wishes. 

Ah !  ye  mysterious  men,  of  all  the  world;  how  few 
Act  just  to  Heaven  and  to  your  promise  true ! 
But  He  who  guides  the  stars  with  a  watchful  eye, 
The  deeds  of  men  lay  open  without  disguise; 
Oh,  this  alone  will  avenge  the  wrongs  I  bear, 
For  all  the  oppressed  are  his  peculiar  care. 
(F.  makes  a  slight  noise.) 

A .  Who  is  there  —  Farcillo  ? 

G.  Then  I  must  be  gone.  Heaven  protect  you. 
Oh,  Amelia,  farewell,  be  of  good  cheer. 

May  you  stand,  like  Olympus'  towers, 
Against  earth  and  all  jealous  powers ! 
May  you,  with  loud  shouts  ascend  on  high 
Swift  as  an  eagle  in  the  upper  sky. 

A.  Why  so  cold  and  distant  to-night,  Farcillo? 
Come,  let  us  each  other  greet,  and  forget  all  the  past, 
and  give  security  for  the  future. 

F.  Security !  talk  to  me  about  giving  security  for 
the  future  —  what  an  insulting  requisition  !  Have  you 
said  your  prayers  to-night,  Madam  Amelia? 

A.  Farcillo,  we  sometimes  forget  our  duty,  particu- 
larly when  we  expect  to  be  caressed  by  others. 

F.  If  you  bethink  yourself  of  any  crime,  or  of  any 
fault,  that  is  yet  concealed  from  the  courts  of  Heaven 
BB**» 


436    The  Enemy  Conquered ;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

and  the  thrones  of  grace,  I  bid  you  ask  and  solicit 
forgiveness  for  it  now. 

A.  Oh,  be  kind,  Farcillo,  don't  treat  me  so.  What 
do  you  mean  by  all  this? 

F.  Be  kind,  you  say;  you,  madam,  have  forgot  that 
kindness  you  owe  to  me,  and  bestowed  it  upon  another; 
you  shall  suffer  for  your  conduct  when  you  make  your 
peace  with  your  God.  I  would  not  slay  thy  unpro- 
tected spirit.  I  call  to  Heaven  to  be  my  guard  and 
my  watch  —  I  would  not  kill  thy  soul,  in  which  all 
once  seemed  just,  right,  and  perfect;  but  I  must  be 
brief,  woman. 

A.  What,  talk  you  of  killing?  Oh.  Farcillo,  Far- 
cillo, what  is  the  matter? 

F.  Aye,  I  do,  without  doubt;  xnaiK  what  1  say, 
Amelia. 

A.  Then,  O  God,  O  Heaven,  and  Angels,  be  propi- 
tious, and  have  mercy  upon  me. 

F.  Amen  to  that,  madam,  with  all  my  heart,  and 
with  all  my  soul. 

A.  Farcillo,  listen  to  me  one  moment;  I  hope  you 
will  not  kill  me. 

F.  Kill  you,  aye,  that  I  will;  attest  it,  ye  fair  host 
of  light,  record  it,  ye  dark  imps  of  hell  i 

A.  Oh,  I  fear  you  —  you  are  fatal  when  darkness 
covers  your  brow ;  yet  I  know  not  why  I  should  fear, 
since  I  never  wronged  you  in  all  my  life.  I  stand,  sir, 
guiltless  before  you. 

F.  You  pretend  to  say  you  are  guiltless  !  Think  of 
thy  sins,  Amelia;  think,  oh,  think,  hidden  woman. 

A.  Wherein  have  I  not  been  true  to  you?  That 
death  is  unkind,  cruel,  and  unnatural,  that  kills  for 
loving. 

F.  Peace,  and  be  still  while  I  unfold  to  thee. 

A.  I  will,  Farcillo,  and  while  I  am  thus  silent,  tell  me 
the  cause  of  such  cruel  coldness  in  an  hour  like  this. 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     43? 

F.  That  ring,  oh,  that  ring  I  so  loved,  and  gave  thee 
as  the  ring  of  my  heart ;  the  allegiance  you  took  to  be 
faithful,  when  it  was  presented;  the  kisses  and  smiles 
with  which  you  honored  it.  You  became  tired  of  the 
donor,  despised  it  as  a  plague,  and  finally  gave  it  to 
Malos,  the  hidden,  the  vile  traitor. 

A.  No,  upon  my  word  and  honor,  I  never  did;  I 
appeal  to  the  Most  High  to  bear  me  out  in  this  matter. 
Send  for  Malos,  and  ask  him. 

F.  Send  for  Malos,  aye  !  Malos  you  wish  to  see;  I 
thought  so.  I  knew  you  could  not  keep  his  name 
concealed.  Amelia,  sweet  Amelia,  take  heed,  take 
heed  of  perjury;  you  are  on  the  stage  of  death,  to 
suffer  for  your  sins. 

A.  What,  not  to  die  I  hope,  my  Farcillo,  my  ever 
beloved. 

F.  Yes,  madam,  to  die  a  traitor's  death.  Shortly 
your  spirit  shall  take  its  exit;  therefore  confess  freely 
thy  sins,  for  to  deny  tends  only  to  make  me  groan 
under  the  bitter  cup  thou  hast  made  for  me.  Thou  art 
to  die  with  the  name  of  traitor  on  thy  brow ! 

A.  Then,  O  Lord,  have  mercy  upon  me;  give  me 
courage,  give  me  grace  and  fortitude  to  stand  this  hour 
of  trial. 

F.  Amen,  I  say,  with  all  my  heart. 

A.  And,  oh,  Farcillo,  will  you  have  mercy,  too?  I 
never  intentionally  offended  you  in  all  my  life ;  never 
loved  Malos,  never  gave  him  cause  to  think  so,  as  the 
high  court  of  Justice  will  acquit  me  before  its  tribunal. 

F.  Oh,  false,  perjured  woman,  thou  dost  chill  my 
blood,  and  makest  me  a  demon  like  thyself.  I  saw  the 
ring. 

A.  He  found  it,  then,  or  got  it  clandestinely;  send 
for  him,  and  let  him  confess  the  truth ;  let  his  confes- 
sion be  sifted. 

F.  Anq!    you    still    wish   to    see    him!     I    tell   you, 


438     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

madam,  he  hath  already  confessed,  and  thou  knowest 
the  darkness  of  thy  heart. 

A.  What,  my  deceived  Farcillo,  that  I  gave  him  the 
ring,  in  which  all  my  affections  were  concentrated? 
Oh,  surely  not. 

F.  Aye,  he  did.  Ask  thy  conscience,  and  it  will 
speak  with  a  voice  of  thunder  to  thy  soul. 

A.   He  will  not  say  so,  he  dare  not,  he  cannot. 

F.  No,  he  will  not  say  so  now,  because  his  mouth,  I 
trust,  is  hushed  in  death,  and  his  body  stretched  to  the 
four  winds  of  heaven,  to  be  torn  to  pieces  by  carnivor- 
ous birds. 

A.  What,  is  he  dead,  and  gone  to  the  world  of 
spirits  with  that  declaration  in  his  mouth?  Oh,  un- 
happy man  !  Oh,  insupportable  hour  ! 

F.  Yes,  and  had  all  his  sighs  and  looks  and  tears 
been  lives,  my  great  revenge  could  have  slain  them  all, 
without  the  least  condemnation. 

A .  Alas  !  he  is  ushered  into  eternity  without  testing 
the  matter  for  which  I  am  abused  and  sentenced  and 
condemned  to  die. 

F.  Cursed,  infernal  woman  !  Weepest  thou  for  him 
to  my  face?  He  that  hath  robbed  me  of  my  peace, 
my  energy,  the  whole  love  of  my  life?  Could  I  call 
the  fabled  Hydra,  I  would  have  Him  live  and  perish, 
survive  and  die,  until  the  sun  itself  would  grow  dim 
with  age.  I  would  make  him  have  the  thirst  of  a  Tan- 
talus, and  roll  the  wheel  of  an  Ixion,  until  the  stars  of 
heaven  should  quit  their  brilliant  stations. 

A.  Oh,  invincible  God,  save  me!  Oh,  unsupport- 
able  moment !  Oh,  heavy  hour !  Banish  me,  Farcillo 
—  send  me  where  no  eye  can  ever  see  me,  where  no 
sound  shall  ever  greet  my  ear;  but,  oh,  slay  me  not, 
Farcillo ;  vent  thy  rage  and  thy  spite  upon  this  ema- 
ciated frame  of  mine,  only  spare  my  life. 

F.  Your  petitions  avail  nothing,  cruel  Amelia. 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     439 

A.  Oh,  Farcillo,  perpetrate  the  dark  deed  to-morrow ; 
let  me  live  till  then,  for  my  past  kindness  to  you,  and  it 
may  be  some  kind  angel  will  show  to  you  that  I  am  not 
only  the  object  of  innocence,  but  one  who  never  loved 
another  but  your  noble  self. 

F.  Amelia,  the  decree  has  gone  forth,  it  is  to  be 
done,  and  that  quickly;  thou  art  to  die,  madam. 

A.  But  half  an  hour  allow  me,  to  see  my  father  and 
my  only  child,  to  tell  her  the  treachery  and  vanity  of 
this  world. 

F.  There  is  no  alternative,  there  is  no  pause:  my 
daughter  shall  not  see  its  deceptive  mother  die ;  your 
father  shall  not  know  that  his  daughter  fell  disgraced, 
despised  by  all  but  her  enchanting  Malos. 

A.  Oh,  Farcillo,  put  up  thy  threatening  dagger  into 
its  scabbard ;  let  it  rest  and  be  still,  just  while  I  say 
one  prayer  for  thee  and  for  my  child. 

F.  It  is  too  late,  thy  doom  is  fixed,  thou  hast  not 
confessed  to  Heaven  or  to  me,  my  child's  protector — • 
thou  art  to  die  Ye  powers  of  earth  and  heaven, 
protect  and  defend  me  in  this  alone.  (Stabs  her  while 
imploring  for  mercy.} 

A.  Oh,  Farcillo,  Farcillo,  a  guiltless  death  I  die. 

F.  Die!  die!  die! 

(Gracia  enters  running,  falls  on  her  knees  weeping,  and  kisses  Amelia.) 

G.  Oh,  Farcillo,  Farcillo!  oh,  Farcillo! 

F.  I  am  here,  the  genius  of  the  age,  and  the  avenger 
of  my  wrongs. 

G.  Oh,  lady,  speak  once  more;   sweet  Amelia,  oh, 
speak  again.     Gone,  gone  —  yes,  forever  gone  !     Far- 
cillo,  oh,   cold-hearted  Farcillo,  some   evil  fiend  hath 
urged  you  to  do  this,  Farcillo. 

F.  Say  not  so  again,  or  you  shall  receive  the  same 
fate.  I  did  the  glorious  deed,  madam  —  beware,  then, 
how  you  talk, 


440  The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

G.  I  fear  not  your  implements  of  war;  I  will  let  you 
know  you  have  not  the  power  to  do  me  harm.  If  you 
have  a  heart  of  triple  brass,  it  shall  be  reached  and 
melted,  and  thy  blood  shall  chill  thy  veins  and  grow 
stiff  in  thy  arteries.  Here  is  the  ring  of  the  virtuous 
and  innocent  murdered  Amelia;  I  obtained  it  from 
Malos,  who  yet  lives,  in  hopes  that  he  will  survive  the 
wound  given  him,  and  says  he  got  it  clandestinely — 
declares  Amelia  to  be  the  princess  of  truth  and  virtue, 
invulnerable  to  anything  like  forgetting  her  first  devo- 
tion to  thee.  The  world  has  heard  of  your  conduct 
and  your  jealousy,  and  with  one  universal  voice  de- 
clares her  to  be  the  best  of  all  in  piety;  that  she  is  the 
star  of  this  great  universe,  and  a  more  virtuous  woman 
never  lived  since  the  wheels  of  time  began.  Oh,  had 
you  waited  till  to-morrow,  or  until  I  had  returned, 
some  kind  window  would  have  been  opened  to  her 
relief.  But,  alas!  she  is  gone  —  yes,  forever  gone,  to 
try  the  realities  of  an  unknown  world! 

(Farcillo  leaning  over  the  body  e£  Amelia.) 

F.  Malos  not  dead,  and  here  is  my  ring!  Oh, 
Amelia!  falsely,  falsely  murdered!  Oh,  bloody  deed! 
Oh,  wretch  that  I  am!  Oh,  angels  forgive  me!  Oh, 
God,  withhold  thy  vengeance!  Oh,  Amelia!  if  Heaven 
would  make  a  thousand  worlds  like  this,  set  with  dia- 
monds, and  all  of  one  perfect  chrysolite,  I  would  not 
have  done  this  for  them  all,  I  would  not  have  frowned 
and  cursed  as  I  did.  Oh,  she  was  heavenly  true, 
nursed  in  the  very  lap  of  bright  angels!  Cursed  slave 
that  I  am!  Jealousy,  oh!  thou  infernal  demon!  Lost, 
lost  to  every  sense  of  honor !  Oh !  Amelia  —  heaven- 
born  Amelia  —  dead,  dead!  Oh!  oh!  oh! — then  let 
me  die  with  thee.  Farewell!  farewell!  ye  world  that 
deceived  me !  (Stabs  himself.) 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant  441 

Soon  after  the  excitement  of  this  tragical  scene  was 
over,  and  the  enlisted  feeling  for  Amelia  had  grown 
more  buoyant  with  Elfonzo  and  Ambulinia,  he  deter- 
mined to  visit  his  retired  home,  and  make  the  necessary 
improvements  to  enjoy  a  better  day;  consequently  he 
conveyed  the  following  lines  to  Ambulinia: 

Go  tell  the  world  that  hope  is  glowing; 

Go  bid  the  rocks  their  silence  break, 
Go  tell  the  stars  that  love  is  glowing, 

Then  bid  the  hero  his  lover  take. 

In  the  region  where  scarcely  the  foot  of  man  hath 
ever  trod,  where  the  woodman  hath  not  found  his  way, 
lies  a  blooming  grove,  seen  only  by  the  sun  when  he 
mounts  his  lofty  throne,  visited  only  by  the  light  of 
the  stars,  to  whom  are  intrusted  the  guardianship  of 
earth,  before  the  sun  sinks  to  rest  in  his  rosy  bed. 
High  cliffs  of  rocks  surround  the  romantic  place,  and 
in  the  small  cavity  of  the  rocky  walls  grows  the  daffodil 
clear  and  pure;  and  as  the  wind  blows  along  the  en- 
chanting little  mountain  which  surrounds  the  lonely 
spot,  it  nourishes  the  flowers  with  the  dewdrops  of 
heaven.  Here  is  the  seat  of  Elfonzo;  darkness  claims 
but  little  victory  over  this  dominion,  and  in  vain  does 
she  spread  out  her  gloomy  wings.  Here  the  waters 
flow  perpetually,  and  the  trees  lash  their  tops  together 
to  bid  the  welcome  visitor  a  happy  muse.  Elfonzo, 
during  his  short  stay  in  the  country,  had  fully  per- 
suaded himself  that  it  was  his  duty  to  bring  this  solemn 
matter  to  an  issue.  A  duty  that  he  individually  owed, 
as  a  gentleman,  to  the  parents  of  Ambulinia,  a  duty  in 
itself  involving  not  only  his  own  happiness  and  his 
own  standing  in  society,  but  one  that  called  aloud  the 
act  of  the  parties  to  make  it  perfect  and  complete. 
How  he  should  communicate  his  intentions  to  get  a 
favorable  reply,  he  was  at  a  loss  to  know;  he  knew  not 


442     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

whether  to  address  Esq.  Valeer  in  prose  or  m  poetry, 
in  a  jocular  or  an  argumentative  manner,  or  whether  he 
should  use  moral  suasion,  legal  injunction,  or  seize  and 
take  by  reprisal ;  if  it  was  to  do  the  latter,  he  would 
have  no  difficulty  in  deciding  in  his  own  mind,  but  his 
gentlemanly  honor  was  at  stake ;  so  he  concluded  to 
address  the  following  letter  to  the  father  and  mother  of 
Ambulinia,  as  his  address  in  person  he  knew  would 
only  aggravate  the  old  gentleman,  and  perhaps  his 
lady. 

CUMMING,  GA.,  January  22,  1844. 
MR.  AND  MRS.  VALEER — 

Again,  I  resume  the  pleasing  task  of  addressing  you,  and  once  more 
beg  an  immediate  answer  to  my  many  salutations.  From  every  circumstance 
that  has  taken  place,  I  feel  in  duty  bound  to  comply  with  my  obligations; 
to  forfeit  my  word  would  be  more  than  I  dare  do;  to  break  my  pledge,  and 
my  vows  that  have  been  witnessed,  sealed,  and  delivered  in  the  presence  of 
an  unseen  Deity,  wouJd  be  disgraceful  on  my  part,  as  well  as  ruinous  to 
Ambulinia.  I  wish  no  Icn£-~  t^>  be  kept  in  suspense  about  this  matter.  1 
wish  to  act  gentlemanly  in  every  particular.  It  is  true,  the  promises  I  have 
made  are  unknown  to  any  but  Ambulinia,  and  I  think  it  unnecessary  to  here 
enumerate  them,  as  they  who  promise  the  most,  generally  perform  the  least. 
Can  you  for  a  moment  doubt  my  sincerity,  or  my  character?  My  only  wish  is, 
sir,  that  you  may  calmly  and  dispassionately  look  at  the  situation  of  the  case, 
and  if  your  better  judgment  should  dictate  otherwise,  my  obligations  may 
induce  me  to  pluck  the  flower  that  you  so  diametrically  opposed.  We  have 
sworn  by  the  saints — by  the  gods  of  battle,  and  by  that  faith  whereby  just 
men  are  made  perfect  —  to  be  united.  I  hope,  my  dear  sir,  you  will  find  it 
convenient  as  well  as  agreeable,  to  give  me  z.  favorable  answer,  with  the 
signature  af  Mrs.  Valeer,  as  well  as  yourself. 

With  very  great  esteem, 

your  humble  servant, 

J.  I.  ELFONZO. 

The  moon  and  stars  had  grown  pale  when  Ambulinia 
had  retired  to  rest.  A  crowd  of  unpleasant  thoughts 
passed  through  her  bosom.  Solitude  dwelt  in  her 
chamber  —  no  sound  from  the  neighboring  world  pene- 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     443 

trated  its  stillness ;  it  appeared  a  temple  of  silence,  of 
repose,  and  of  mystery.  At  that  moment  she  heard  a 
still  voice  calling  her  father.  In  an  instant,  like  the 
flash  of  lightning^  a  thought  ran  through  her  mind,  that 
it  must  be  the  bearer  of  Elfonzo's  communication. 
*'  It  is  not  a  dream!"  she  said,  "  no,  I  cannot  read 
dreams.  Oh !  1  would  to  Heaven  I  was  near  that 
glowing  eloquence  —  that  poetical  language  —  it  charms 
the  mind  in  an  inexpressible  manner,  and  warms  the 
coldest  heart."  While  consoling  herself  with  this 
strain,  her  father  rushed  into  her  room  almost  frantic 
with  rage,  exclaiming:  *'  Oh,  Ambulinia  !  Ambulinia  !  ! 
undutiful,  ungrateful  daughter  !  What  does  this  mean  ? 
Why  does  this  letter  bear  such  heartrending  intelli- 
gence? Will  you  quit  a  father's  house  with  this  de- 
based wretch,  without  a  place  to  lay  his  distracted 
head ;  going  up  and  down  the  country,  with  every 
novel  object  that  may  chance  to  wander  through  this 
region.  He  is  a  pretty  man  to  make  love  known  to 
his  superiors,  and  you,  Ambulinia,  have  done  but  little 
credit  to  yourself  by  honoring  his  visits.  Oh,  wretched- 
ness !  can  it  be.  that  my  hopes  of  happiness  are  forever 
blasted !  Will  you  not  listen  to  a  father's  entreaties, 
and  pay  some  regard  to  a  mother's  tears.  I  know, 
and  I  do  pray  that  God  will  give  me  fortitude  to  bear 
with  this  sea  of  troubles,  and  rescue  my  daughter,  my 
Ambulinia,  as  a  brand  from  the  eternal  burning." 
'Forgive  me,  father,  oh!  forgive  thy  child,"  replied 
Ambulinia.  "  My  heart  is  ready  to  break,  when  I  see 
you  in  this  grieved  state  of  agitation.  Oh !  think  net 
so  meanly  of  me,  as  that  I  mourn  for  my  own  danger. 
Father,  I  am  only  woman.  Mother,  I  am  only  the 
templement  of  thy  youthful  years,  but  will  suffer 
courageously  whatever  punishment  you  think  proper 
to  inflict  upon  me,  if  you  will  but  allow  me  to  comply 
with  my  most  sacred  promises  —  if  you  will  but  give 


444  The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

me  my  personal  right,  and  my  personal  liberty.  Oh, 
father!  if  your  generosity  will  but  give  nie  these,  I 
ask  nothing  more.  When  Elfonzo  offered  me  his 
heart,  I  gave  him  my  hand,  never  to  forsake  him,  and 
now  may  the  mighty  God  banish  me,  before  I  leave 
him  in  adversity.  What  a  heart  must  I  have  to  rejoice 
in  prosperity  with  him  whose  offers  I  have  accepted, 
and  then,  when  poverty  comes,  haggard  as  it  may  be 
—  for  me  to  trifle  with  the  oracles  of  Heaven,  and 
change  with  every  fluctuation  that  may  interrupt  our 
happiness  —  like  the  politician  who  runs  the  political 
gantlet  for  office  one  day,  and  the  next  day,  because 
the  horizon  is  darkened  a  little,  he  is  seen  running  for 
his  life,  for  fear  he  might  perish  in  its  ruins.  Where 
is  the  philosophy;  where  is  the  consistency;  where  is 
the  charity;  in  conduct  like  this?  Be  happy  then,  my 
beloved  father,  and  forget  me;  let  the  sorrow  of  part- 
ing break  down  the  wall  of  separation  and  make  us 
equal  in  our  feeling;  let  me  now  say  how  ardently  I 
love  you;  let  me  kiss  that  age-worn  cheek,  and  should 
my  tears  bedew  thy  face,  I  will  wipe  them  away.  Oh, 
I  never  can  forget  you;  no,  never,  never!" 

"Weep  not,"  said  the  father,  "Ambulinia.  I  will 
forbid  Elfonzo  my  house,  and  desire  that  you  may 
keep  retired  a  few  days.  I  will  let  him  know  that  my 
friendship  for  my  family  is  not  linked  together  by 
cankered  chains;  and  if  he  ever  enters  upon  my  prem- 
ises again,  I  will  send  him  to  his  long  home."  "Oh, 
father!  let  me  entreat  you  to  be  calm  upon  this  occa- 
sion, and  though  Elfonzo  may  be  the  sport  of  the 
clouds  and  winds,  yet  I  feel  assured  that  no  fate  will 
send  him  to  the  silent  tomb,  until  the  God  of  the 
Universe  calls  him  hence  with  a  triumphant  voice." 

Here  the  father  turned  away,  exclaiming:  "I  will 
answer  his  letter  in  a  very  few  words,  and  you,  madam, 
will  have  the  goodness  to  stay  at  home  with  your 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     445 

mother;  and  remember,  I  am  determined  to  protect 
you  from  the  consuming  fire  that  looks  so  fair  to  your 
view." 

GUMMING,  January  22,  1844. 

SIR  —  In  regard  to  your  request,  I  am  as  I  ever  have  been,  utterly 
opposed  to  your  marrying  into  my  family;  and  if  you  have  any  regard  for 
yourself,  or  any  gentlemanly  feeling,  I  hope  you  will  mention  it  to  me  no 
tnore;  but  seek  some  other  one  who  is  not  so  far  superior  to  you  in  standing. 

W.  W.  VALEER. 

When  Elfonzo  read  the  above  letter,  he  became  so 
much  depressed  in  spirits  that  many  of  his  friends 
thought  it  advisable  to  use  other  means  to  bring  about 
the  happy  union.  "Strange,"  said  he,  "that  the 
contents  of  this  diminutive  letter  should  cause  me  to 
have  such  depressed  feelings;  but  there  is  a  nobler 
theme  that  this.  I  know  not  why  my  military  title  is 
not  as  great  as  that  of  Squire  Valeer.  For  my  life  I 
cannot  see  that  my  ancestors  are  inferior  to  those  who 
are  so  bitterly  opposed  to  my  marriage  with  Ambulinia. 
I  know  I  have  seen  huge  mountains  before  me,  yet, 
when  I  think  that  I  know  gentlemen  will  insult  me 
upon  this  delicate  matter,  should  I  become  angry  at 
fools  and  babblers,  who  pride  themselves  in  their  im- 
pudence and  ignorance.  No.  My  equals!  I  know  not 
where  to  find  them.  My  inferiors  !  I  think  it  beneath 
me ;  and  my  superiors !  I  think  it  presumption ;  there- 
fore, if  this  youthful  heart  is  protected  by  any  of  the 
divine  rights,  I  never  will  betray  my  trust." 

He  was  aware  that  Ambulinia  had  a  confidence  that 
was,  indeed,  as  firm  and  as  resolute  as  she  was  beauti- 
ful and  interesting.  He  hastened  to  the  cottage  of 
Louisa,  who  received  him  in  her  usual  mode  of  pleas- 
antness, and  informed  him  that  Ambulinia  had  just  that 
moment  left.  "  Is  it  possible?"  said  Elfonzo.  "Oh, 
murdered  hour !  Why  did  she  not  remain  and  be  the 
guardian  of  my  secrets?  But  hasten  and  tell  me  how 

2QA 


446  The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

she  has  stood  this  trying  scene,  and  what  are  her  future 
determinations."  "You  know,"  said  Louisa,  "Major 
Elfonzo,  that  you  have  Ambulinia's  first  love,  which  is 
of  no  small  consequence.  She  came  here  about  twi- 
light, and  shed  many  precious  tears  in  consequence  of 
her  own  fate  with  yours.  We  walked  silently  in  yon 
little  valley  you  see,  where  we  spent  a  momentary 
repose.  She  seemed  to  be  quite  as  determined  as 
ever,  and  before  we  left  that  beautiful  spot  she  offered 
up  a  prayer  to  Heaven  for  thee."  "I  will  see  her 
then,"  replied  Elfonzo,  "though  legions  of  enemies 
may  oppose.  She  is  mine  by  foreordination  —  she  is 
mine  by  prophecy  —  she  is  mine  by  her  own  free  will, 
and  I  will  rescue  her  from  the  hands  of  her  oppressors. 
Will  you  not,  Miss  Louisa,  assist  me  in  my  capture?" 
"I  will  certainly,  by  the  aid  of  Divine  Providence," 
answered  Louisa,  "endeavor  to  break  those  slavish 
chains  that  bind  the  richest  of  prizes;  though  allow 
me,  Major,  to  entreat  you  to  use  no  harsh  means  on 
this  important  occasion;  take  a  decided  stand,  and 
write  freely  to  Ambulinia  upon  this  subject,  and  I  will 
see  that  no  intervening  cause  hinders  its  passage  to 
her.  God  alone  will  save  a  mourning  people.  Now  is 
the  day,  and  now  is  the  hour  to  obey  a  command  of 
such  valuable  worth."  The  Major  felt  himself  grow 
stronger  after  this  short  interview  with  Louisa.  He 
felt  as  if  he  could  whip  his  weight  in  wildcats — he 
knew  he  was  master  of  his  own  feelings,  and  could  now 
write  a  letter  that  would  bring  this  litigation  to  an  issue. 


CUMMING,  January  24,  1844. 
DEAR  AMBULINIA — 

We  have  now  reached  the  most  trying  moment  of  our  lives;  we  are 
pledged  not  to  forsake  our  trust;  we  have  waited  for  a  favorable  hour  to 
come,  thinking  your  friends  would  settle  the  matter  agreeably  among 
themselves,  and  finally  be  reconciled  to  our  marriage ;  but  as  I  have  waited 
in  vain,  and  looked  in  vain,  I  have  determined  in  my  own  mind  to  make  a 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     447 

proposition  to  you,  though  you  may  think  it  not  in  accord  with  your  station, 
or  compatible  with  your  rank;  yet,  "'  sub  hoc  signo  vinces."  You  know  I 
cannot  resume  my  visits,  in  consequence  of  the  utter  hostility  that  your 
father  has  to  me;  therefore  the  consummation  of  our  union  will  have  to  be 
sought  for  in  a  more  sublime  sphere,  at  the  residence  of  a  respectable  friend 
of  this  village.  You  cannot  have  any  scruples  upon  this  mode  of  proceed- 
ing, if  you  will  but  remember  it  emanates  from  one  who  loves  you 
better  than  his  own  life  —  who  is  more  than  anxious  to  bid  you  welcome  to 
a  new  and  happy  home.  Your  warmest  associates  say  come;  the  talented, 
the  learned,  the  wise,  and  the  experienced  say  come;  —  all  these  with  their 
friends  say,  come.  Viewing  these,  with  many  other  inducements,  I  flatter 
myself  that  you  will  come  to  the  embraces  of  your  Elfonzo;  for  now  is  the 
time  of  your  acceptance  and  the  day  of  your  liberation.  You  cannot  be 
ignorant,  Ambulinia,  that  thou  art  the  desire  of  my  heart;  its  thoughts  are 
too  noble,  and  too  pure,  to  conceal  themselves  from  you.  I  shall  wait  for 
your  answer  to  this  impatiently,  expecting  that  you  will  set  the  time  to  make 
your  departure,  and  to  be  in  readiness  at  a  moment's  warning  to  share  the 
joys  of  a  more  preferable  life.  This  will  be  handed  to  you  by  Louisa,  who 
will  take  a  pleasure  in  communicating  anything  to  you  that  may  relieve 
your  dejected  spirits,  and  will  assure  you  that  I  now  stand  ready,  willing, 
and  waiting  to  make  good  my  vows. 

I  am,  dear  Ambulinia,  yours 

truly,  and  forever, 

J.  I.  ELFONZO. 

Louisa  made  it  convenient  to  visit  Mr.  Valeer's, 
though  they  did  not  suspect  her  in  the  least  the  bearer 
of  love  epistles;  consequently,  she  was  invited  in  the 
room  to  console  Ambulinia,  where  they  were  left  alone. 
Ambulinia  was  seated  by  a  small  table  —  her  head 
resting  on  her  hand  —  her  brilliant  eyes  were  bathed  in 
tears.  Louisa  handed  her  the  letter  of  Elfonzo,  when 
another  spirit  animated  her  features  —  the  spirit  of 
renewed  confidence  that  never  fails  to  strengthen  the 
female  character  in  an  hour  of  grief  and  sorrow  like 
this,  and  as  she  pronounced  the  last  accent  of  his 
name,  she  exclaimed,  "  And  does  he  love  me  yet!  I 
never  will  forget  your  generosity,  Louisa.  Oh,  un- 
happy and  yet  blessed  Louisa !  may  you  never  feel 


448      The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

what  I  have  felt  —  may  you  never  know  the  pangs  of 
love.  Had  I  never  loved,  I  never  would  have  been 
unhappy;  but  I  turn  to  Him  who  can  save,  and  if  His 
wisdom  does  not  will  my  expected  union,  I  know  He 
will  give  me  strength  to  bear  my  lot.  Amuse  yourself 
with  this  little  book,  and  take  it  as  an  apology  for  my 
silence,"  said  Ambulinia,  "  while  I  attempt  to  answer 
this  volume  of  consolation."  "  Thank  you,"  said 
Louisa,  "  you  are  excusable  upon  this  occasion;  but 
I  pray  you,  Ambulinia,  to  be  expert  upon  this  mo- 
mentous subject,  that  there  may  be  nothing  mistrustful 
upon  my  part."  "  I  will,"  said  Ambulinia,  and  im- 
mediately resumed  her  seat  and  addressed  the  following 
to  Elfonzo: 

GUMMING,  GA^,  January  28,  1844. 
DEVOTED  ELFONZO — 

I  hail  your  letter  as  a  welcome  messenger  of  faith,  and  can  now  say 
truly  and  firmly  that  my  feelings  correspond  with  yours  Nothing  shall  be 
wanting  on  my  part  to  make  my  obedience  your  fidelity.  Courage  and 
perseverance  will  accomplish  success.  Receive  this  as  my  oath,  that  while 
I  grasp  your  hand  in  my  own  imagination,  we  stand  united  before  a  higher 
tribunal  than  any  on  earth.  All  the  powers  of  my  life,  soul,  and  body,  I 
devote  to  thee.  Whatever  dangers  may  threaten  me,  I  fear  not  to  encoun- 
ter them.  Perhaps  I  have  determined  upon  my  own  destruction,  by  leaving 
the  house  of  the  best  of  parents;  be  it  so,  I  flee  to  you;  I  share  your 
destiny,  faithful  to  the  end.  The  day  that  I  have  concluded  upon  for  this 
task,  is  Sabbatfi  next,  when  the  family  with  the  citizens  are  generally  at 
church.  For  Heaven's  sake  let  not  that  day  pass  unimproved :  trust  not 
till  to-morrow,  it  is  the  cheat  of  life  —  the  future  that  never  comes — the 
grave  of  many  noble  bir*hs  —  the  cavern  of  ruined  enterprise :  which  like 
the  lightning's  flash  is  born,  and  dies,  and  perishes,  ere  the  voice  of  him 
who  sees,  can  cry,  behold!  behold! !  You  may  trust  to  what  I  say,  no 
power  shall  tempt  me  to  betray  confidence.  Suffer  me  to  add  one  word 
more. 

I  will  soothe  thee,  in  all  thy  grief, 

Beside  the  gloomy  river; 
And  though  thy  love  may  yet  be  brief  $ 

Mine  is  fixed  forever. 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     449 

Receive  the  deepest  emotions  of  my  heart  for  thy  constant  love,  and  may 
die  power  of  inspiration  be  thy  guide,  thy  portion,  and  thy  all.  In  grea« 
haste,  Yours  faithfully, 

AMBULINIA. 

"  I  now  take  my  leave  of  you,  sweet  girl,"  said 
Louisa,  "  sincerely  wishing  you  success  on  Sabbath 
next.'*  When  Ambulinia's  letter  was  handed  to  El- 
fonzo,  he  perused  it  without  doubting  its  contents. 
Louisa  charged  him  to  make  but  few  confidants ;  but 
like  most  young  men  who  happened  to  win  the  heart 
of  a  beautiful  girl,  he  was  so  elated  with  the  idea  that 
he  felt  as  a  commanding  general  on  parade,  who  had 
confidence  in  all,  consequently  gave  orders  to  all.  The 
appointed  Sabbath,  with  a  delicious  breeze  and  cloud- 
less sky,  made  its  appearance.  The  people  gathered 
in  crowds  to  the  church  —  the  streets  were  filled  with 
the  neighboring  citizens,  all  marching  to  the  house  of 
worship.  It  is  entirely  useless  for  me  to  attempt  to 
describe  the  feelings  of  Elfonzo  and  Ambulinia,  who 
were  silently  watching  the  movements  of  the  multitude, 
apparently  counting  them  as  they  entered  the  house  of 
God,  looking  for  the  last  one  to  darken  the  door.  The 
impatience  and  anxiety  with  which  they  waited,  and 
the  bliss  they  anticipated  on  the  eventful  day,  is  alto- 
gether indescribable.  Those  that  have  been  so  fortu- 
nate as  to  embark  in  such  a  noble  enterprise,  know  all 
its  realities;  and  those  who  have  not  had  this  inestima- 
ble privilege,  will  have  to  taste  its  sweets  before  they 
can  tell  to  others  its  joys,  its  comforts,  and  its  Heaven- 
born  worth.  Immediately  after  Ambulinia  had  assisted 
the  family  off  to  church,  she  took  the  advantage  of  that 
opportunity  to  make  good  her  promises.  She  left  a 
home  of  enjoyment  to  be  wedded  to  one  whose  love 
had  been  justifiable.  A  few  short  steps  brought  her  to 
the  presence  of  Louisa,  who  urged  her  to  make  good 
use  of  her  time,  and  not  to  delay  a  moment,  but  to  go 
29*** 


450     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

with  her  to  her  brother's  house,  where  Elfonzo  would 
forever  make  her  happy.  With  lively  speed,  and  yet 
a  graceful  air,  she  entered  the  door  and  found  herself 
protected  by  the  champion  of  her  confidence.  The 
necessary  arrangements  were  fast  making  to  have  the 
two  lovers  united  —  everything  was  in  readiness  except 
the  parson ;  and  as  they  are  generally  very  sanctimoni- 
ous on  such  occasions,  the  news  got  to  the  parents  of 
Ambulinia  before  the  everlasting  knot  was  tied,  and 
they  both  came  running,  with  uplifted  hands  and  in- 
jured feelings,  to  arrest  their  daughter  from  an  un- 
guarded and  hasty  resolution.  Elfonzo  desired  to 
maintain  his  ground,  but  Ambulinia  thought  it  best 
for  him  to  leave,  to  prepare  for  a  greater  contest.  He 
accordingly  obeyed,  as  it  would  have  been  a  vain  en- 
deavor for  him  to  have  battled  against  a  man  who  was 
armed  with  deadly  weapons;  and  besides,  he  could  not 
resist  the  request  of  such  a  pure  heart.  Ambulinia 
concealed  herself  in  the  upper  story  of  the  house,  fear- 
ing the  rebuke  of  her  father;  the  door  was  locked,  and 
no  chastisement  was  now  expected.  Esquire  Valeer, 
whose  pride  was  already  touched,  resolved  to  preserve 
the  dignity  of  his  family.  He  entered  the  house  almost 
exhausted,  looking  wildly  for  Ambulinia.  "  Amazed 
and  astonished  indeed  I  am,"  said  he,  "at  a  people 
who  call  themselves  civilized,  to  allow  such  behavior  as 
this.  Ambulinia,  Ambulinia!"  he  cried,  "come  to 
the  calls  of  your  first,  your  best,  and  your  only  friend. 
I  appeal  to  you,  sir,"  turning  to  the  gentleman  of  the 
house,  "  to  know  where  Ambulinia  has  gone,  or  where 
is  she?"  "  Do  you  mean  to  insult  me,  sir,  in  my 
own  house?"  inquired  the  confounded  gentleman.  *'  I 
will  burst,"  said  Mr.  V.,  "  asunder  every  door  in  your 
dwelling,  in  search  of  my  daughter,  if  you  do  not 
speak  quickly,  and  tell  me  where  she  is.  I  care  noth- 
ing about  that  outcast  rubbish  of  creation,  that  mean, 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     451 

low-lived  Elfonzo,  if  I  can  but  obtain  Ambulinia.  Are 
you  not  going  to  open  this  door?"  said  he.  "  By  the 
Eternal  that  made  Heaven  and  earth !  I  will  go  about 
the  work  instantly,  if  it  is  not  done."  The  confused 
citizens  gathered  from  all  parts  of  the  village,  to  know 
the  cause  of  this  commotion.  Some  rushed  into  the 
house ;  the  door  that  was  locked  flew  open,  and  there 
stood  Ambulinia,  weeping.  *'  Father,  be  still,"  said 
she,  **  and  I  will  follow  thee  home."  But  the  agitated 
man  seized  her,  and  bore  her  off  through  the  gazing 
multitude.  "  Father!"  she  exclaimed,  '*  I  humbly  beg 
your  pardon  —  I  will  be  dutiful  —  I  will  obey  thy  com- 
mands. Let  the  sixteen  years  I  have  lived  in  obedience 
to  thee,  be  my  future  security."  "  I  don't  like  to  be 
always  giving  credit,  when  the  old  score  is  not  paid  up, 
madam;"  said  the  father.  The  mother  followed  almost 
in  a  state  of  derangement,  crying  and  .imploring  her  to 
think  beforehand,  and  ask  advice  from  experienced 
persons,  and  they  would  tell  her  it  was  a  rash  under- 
taking. "  Oh!"  said  she,  "  Ambulinia,  my  daughter, 
did  you  know  what  I  have  suffered  —  did  you  know 
how  many  nights  I  have  whiled  away  in  agony,  in  pain, 
and  in  fear,  you  would  pity  the  sorrows  of  a  heart- 
broken mother." 

"Well,  mother,"  replied  Ambulinia,  "I  know  I 
have  been  disobedient;  I  am  aware  that  what  I  have 
done  might  have  been  done  much  better;  but  oh! 
what  shall  I  do  with  my  honor  ?  it  is  so  dear  to  me ;  I 
am  pledged  to  Elfonzo.  His  high  moral  worth  is  cer- 
tainly worth  some  attention;  moreover,  my  vows,  I 
have  no  doubt,  are  recorded  in  the  book  of  life,  and 
must  I  give  these  all  up  ?  must  my  fair  hopes  be  for- 
ever blasted?  Forbid  it  father,  oh  !  forbid  it  mother, 
forbid  it  heaven."  "  I  have  seen  so  many  beautiful 
skies  overclouded,"  replied  the  mother,  "  so  many 
blossoms  nipped  by  the  frost,  that  I  am  afraid  to  trust 
cc*** 


452     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

you  to  the  care  of  those  fair  days,  which  may  be  inter 
rupted  by  thundering  and  tempestuous  nights.  You 
no  doubt  think  as  I  did  —  life's  devious  ways  were 
strewed  with  sweet  scented  flowers,  but  ah !  how  long 
they  have  lingered  around  me  and  took  their  flight  in 
the  vivid  hope  that  laughs  at  the  drooping  victims  it 
has  murdered."  Elfonzo  was  moved  at  this  sight. 
The  people  followed  on  to  see  what  was  going  to 
become  of  Ambulinia,  while  he,  with  downcast  looks, 
kept  at  a  distance,  until  he  saw  them  enter  the  abode 
of  the  father,  thrusting  her,  that  was  the  sigh  of  his 
soul,  out  of  his  presence  into  a  solitary  apartment, 
when  she  exclaimed,  "Elfonzo!  Elfonzo!  oh,  El- 
fonzo! where  art  thou,  with  all  thy  heroes?  haste, 
oh  !  haste,  come  thou  to  my  relief.  Ride  on  the  wings 
of  the  wind  !  Turn  thy  force  loose  like  a  tempest,  and 
roll  on  thy  army  like  a  whirlwind,  over  this  mountain 
of  trouble  and  confusion.  Oh,  friends !  if  any  pity 
me,  let  your  last  efforts  throng  upon  the  green  hills, 
and  come  to  the  relief  of  Ambulinia,  who  is  guilty  of 
nothing  but  innocent  love."  Elfonzo  called  out  with 
a  loud  voice,  "  My  God,  can  I  stand  this!  arouse  up, 
I  beseech  you,  and  put  an  end  to  this  tyranny.  Come, 
my  brave  boys,"  said  he,  '*  are  you  ready  to  go  forth 
to  your  duty?"  They  stood  around  him.  "  Who," 
said  he,  "  will  call  us  to  arms?  Where  are  my  thunder- 
bolts of  war?  Speak  ye,  the  first  who  will  meet  the 
foe !  Who  will  go  forward  with  me  in  this  ocean  of 
grievous  temptation?  If  there  is  one  who  desires  to 
go,  let  him  come  and  shake  hands  upon  the  altar  of 
devotion,  and  swear  that  he  will  be  a  hero ;  yes,  a 
Hector  in  a  cause  like  this,  which  calls  aloud  for  a 
speedy  remedy."  "  Mine  be  the  deed,"  said  a  young 
lawyer,  '  *  and  mine  alone ;  Venus  alone  shall  quit  her 
station  before  I  will  forsake  one  jot  or  tittle  of  my 
promise  to  you;  what  is  death  to  me?  what  is  all  this 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     453 

warlike  army,  if  it  is  not  to  win  a  victory?  I  love  the 
sleep  of  the  lover  and  the  mighty ;  nor  would  I  give  it 
over  till  the  blood  of  my  enemies  should  wreak  with 
that  of  my  own.  But  God  forbid  that  our  fame  should 
soar  on  the  blood  of  the  slumberer."  Mr.  Valeer 
stands  at  his  door  with  the  frown  of  a  demon  upon  his 
brow,  with  his  dangerous  weapon  ready  to  strike  the 
first  man  who  should  enter  his  door.  "  Who  will  arise 
and  go  forward  through  blood  and  carnage  to  the 
rescue  of  my  Ambulinia?"  said  Elfonzo.  "All," 
exclaimed  the  multitude ;  and  onward  they  went,  with 
their  implements  of  battle.  Others,  of  a  more  timid 
nature,  stood  among  the  distant  hills  to  see  the  result 
of  the  contest. 

Elfonzo  took  the  lead  of  his  band.  Night  arose 
in  clouds ;  darkness  concealed  the  heavens ;  but  the 
blazing  hopes  that  stimulated  them  gleamed  in  every 
bosom.  All  approached  the  anxious  spot ;  they  rushed 
to  the  front  of  the  house  and,  with  one  exclamation, 
demanded  Ambulinia.  "  Away,  begone,  and  disturb 
my  peace  no  more,"  said  Mr.  Valeer.  "  You  are  a 
set  of  base,  insolent,  and  infernal  rascals.  Go,  the 
northern  star  points  your  path  through  the  dim  twilight 
of  the  night;  go,  and  vent  your  spite  upon  the  lonely 
hills;  pour  forth  your  love,  you  poor,  weak-minded 
wretch,  upon  your  idleness  and  upon  your  guitar,  and 
your  fiddle;  they  are  fit  subjects  for  your  admiration, 
for  let  me  assure  you,  though  this  sword  and  iron  lever 
are  cankered,  yet  they  frown  in  sleep,  and  let  one  of 
you  dare  to  enter  my  house  this  night  and  you  shall 
have  the  contents  and  the  weight  of  these  instru- 
ments." "  Never  yet  did  base  dishonor  blur  my 
name,"  said  Elfonzo:  "  mine  is  a  cause  of  renown; 
here  are  my  warriors,  fear  and  tremble,  for  this  night, 
though  hell  itself  should  oppose,  I  will  endeavor  to 
avenge  her  whom  thou  hast  banished  in  solitude.  The 


454     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

voice  of  Ambulinia  shall  be  heard  from  that  dark 
dungeon."  At  that  moment  Ambulinia  appeared  at 
the  window  above,  and  with  a  tremulous  voice  said, 
14  live,  Elfonzo !  oh!  live  to  raise  my  stone  of  moss! 
why  should  such  language  enter  your  heart?  why 
should  thy  voice  rend  the  air  with  such  agitation  ?  I 
bid  thee  live,  once  more  remembering  these  tears  of 
mine  are  shed  alone  for  thee,  in  this  dark  and  gloomy 
vault,  and  should  I  perish  under  this  load  of  trouble, 
join  the  song  of  thrilling  accents  with  the  raven  above 
my  grave,  and  lay  this  tattered  frame  beside  the  banks 
of  the  Chattahoochee,  or  the  stream  of  Sawney's 
brook;  sweet  will  be  the  song  of  death  to  your  Ambu- 
linia. My  ghost  shall  visit  you  in  the  smiles  of  Para- 
dise, and  tell  your  high  fame  to  the  minds  of  that 
region,  which  is  far  more  preferable  than  this  lonely 
cell.  My  heart  shall  speak  for  thee  till  the  latest  hour; 
I  know  faint  and  broken  are  the  sounds  of  sorrow,  yet 
our  souls,  Elfonzo,  shall  hear  the  peaceful  songs 
together.  One  bright  name  shall  be  ours  on  high,  if 
we  are  not  permitted  to  be  united  here ;  bear  in  mind 
that  I  still  cherish  my  old  sentiments,  and  the  poet  will 
mingle  the  names  of  Elfonzo  and  Ambulinia  in  the  tide 
of  other  days."  "Fly,  Elfonzo,"  said  the  voices  of 
his  united  band,  * '  to  the  wounded  heart  of  your  be- 
loved. All  enemies  shall  fall  beneath  thy  sword.  Fly 
through  the  clefts,  and  the  dim  spark  shall  sleep 
in  death."  Elfonzo  rushes  forward  and  strikes  his 
shield  against  the  door,  which  was  barricaded,  to  pre- 
vent any  intercourse.  His  brave  sons  throng  around 
him.  The  people  pour  along  the  streets,  both  male 
and  female,  to  prevent  or  witness  the  melancholy 
scene. 

"To  arms,  to  arms!"  cried  Elfonzo,  "here  is  a 
victory  to  be  won,  a  prize  to  be  gained  that  is  more  to 
me  than  the  whole  world  beside."  "  It  cannot  be 


The  Enemy' Conquered  ;  or,  Love  Triumphant     455 

done  to-night,"  said  Mr.  Valeer.  "  I  bear  the  clang 
of  death;  my  strength  and  armor  shall  prevail.  My 
Ambulinia  shall  rest  in  this  hall  until  the  break  of 
another  day,  and  if  we  fall,  we  fall  together.  If  we 
die,  we  die  clinging  to  our  tattered  rights,  and  our 
blood  alone  shall  tell  the  mournful  tale  of  a  murdered 
daughter  and  a  ruined  father."  Sure  enough,  he  kept 
watch  all  night,  and  was  successful  in  defending  his 
house  and  family.  The  bright  morning  gleamed  upon 
the  hills,  night  vanished  away,  the  Major 'and  his  asso- 
ciates felt  somewhat  ashamed  that  they  had  not  been 
as  fortunate  as  they  expected  to  have  been ;  however, 
they  still  leaned  upon  their  arms  in  dispersed  groups ; 
some  were  walking  the  streets,  others  were  talking  in 
the  Major's  behalf.  Many  of  the  citizens  suspended 
business,  as  the  town  presented  nothing  but  consterna- 
tion. A  novelty  that  might  end  in  the  destruction  of 
some  worthy  and  respectable  citizens.  Mr.  Valeer 
ventured  in  the  streets,  though  not  without  being  well 
armed.  Some  of  his  friends  congratulated  him  on  the 
decided  stand  he  had  taken,  and  hoped  he  would  settle 
the  matter  amicably  with  Elfonzo,  without  any  serious 
injury.  "  Me,"  he  replied,  "  what,  me,  condescend 
to  fellowship  with  a  coward,  and  a  low-live,  lazy, 
undermining  villain?  no,  gentlemen,  this  cannot  be;  I 
had  rather  be  borne  off,  like  the  bubble  upon  the  dark 
blue  ocean,  with  Ambulinia  by  my  side,  than  to  have 
him  in  the  ascending  or  descending  line  of  relationship. 
Gentlemen,"  continued  he,  "  if  Elfonzo  is  so  much  of 
a  distinguished  character,  and  is  so  learned  in  the  fine 
arts,  why  do  you  not  patronize  such  men?  why  not 
introduce  him  into  your  families,  as  a  gentleman  of 
taste  and  of  unequaled  magnanimity?  why  are  you  so 
very  anxious  that  he  should  become  a  relative  of  mine? 
Oh,  gentlemen,  I  fear  you  yet  are  tainted  with  the 
curiosity  of  our  first  parents,  who  were  beguiled  by  the 


456     The  Enemy  Conquered ;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

poisonous  kiss  of  an  old  y-gly  serpent,  and  who,  for 
one  apple  >  damned  all  mankind.  I  wish  to  divest  my- 
self, as  far  as  possible,  of  that  untutored  custom .  I 
have  long  since  learned  that  the  perfection  of  wisdom, 
and  the  end  of  true  philosophy  is  to  proportion  our 
wants  to  our  possessions,  our  ambition  to  our  capacities ; 
we  will  then  be  a  happy  and  a  virtuous  people."  Am- 
bulinia  was  sent  off  to  prepare  for  a  long  and  tedious 
journey.  Her  new  acquaintances  had  been  instructed 
by  her  father  how  to  treat  her,  and  in  what  manner, 
and  to  keep  the  anticipated  visit  entirely  secret.  El- 
fonzo  was  watching  the  movements  of  everybody; 
some  friends  had  told  him  of  the  plot  that  was  laid  to 
carry  off  Ambulinia.  At  night,  he  rallied  some  two  or 
three  of  his  forces,  and  went  silently  along  to  the 
stately  mansion ;  a  faint  and  glimmering  light  showed 
through  the  windows;  lightly  he  steps  to  the  door, 
there  were  many  voices  rallying  fresh  in  fancy's  eye; 
he  tapped  the  shutter,  it  was  opened  instantly  and  he 
beheld  once  more  seated  beside  several  ladies,  the  hope 
of  all  his  toils ;  he  rushed  towards  her,  she  rose  from 
her  seat,  rejoicing;  he  made  one  mighty  grasp,  when 
Ambulinia  exclaimed,  "huzza  for  Major  Elfonzo !  I 
will  defend  myself  and  you,  too,  with  this  conquering 
instrument  I  hold  in  my  hand ;  huzza,  I  say,  I  now  in- 
voke time's  broad  wing  to  shed  around  us  some  dew- 
drops  of  verdant  spring." 

But  the  hour  had  not  come  for  this  joyous  reunion ; 
her  friends  struggled  with  Elfonzo  for  some  time,  and 
finally  succeeded  in  arresting  her  from  his  hands.  He 
dared  not  injure  them,  because  they  were  matrons  whose 
courage  needed  no  spur ;  she  was  snatched  from  the 
arms  of  Elfonzo,  with  so  much  eagerness,  and  yet  with 
such  expressive  signification,  that  he  calmly  withdrew 
from  this  lovely  enterprise,  with  an  ardent  hope  that  he 
should  be  lulled  to  repose  by  the  zephyrs  which  whis- 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     45? 

pered  peace  to  his  soul.  Several  long  days  and  nights 
passed  unmolested,  all  seemed  to  have  grounded  theii 
arms  of  rebellion,  and  no  callidity  appeared  to  be  going 
on  with  any  of  the  parties.  Other  arrangements  were 
made  by  Ambulinia ;  she  feigned  herself  to  be  entirely 
the  votary  of  a  mother's  care,  and  said,  by  her  graceful 
smiles,  that  manhood  m,ght  claim  his  stern  dominion 
in  some  other  region,  where  such  boisterous  love  was 
not  so  prevalent.  This  gave  the  parents  a  confidence 
that  yielded  some  hours  of  sober  joy ;  they  believed 
that  Ambulinia  would  now  cease  to  love  Elfonzo,  and 
that  her  stolen  affections  would  now  expire  with  her 
misguided  opinions.  They  therefore  declined  the  idea 
of  sending  her  to  a  distant  land.  But  oh  !  they  dreamed 
not  of  the  rapture  that  dazzled  the  fancy  of  Ambulinia, 
who  would  say,  when  alone,  youth  should  not  fly  away 
on  his  rosy  pinions,  and  leave  her  to  grapple  in  the 
conflict  with  unknown  admirers. 

No  frowning  age  shall  control 
The  constant  current  of  my  soul, 
Nor  a  tear  from  pity's  eye 
Shall  check  my  sympathetic  sigh. 

With  this  resolution  fixed  in  her  mind,  one  dark  and 
dreary  night,  when  the  winds  whistled  and  the  tempest 
roared,  she  received  intelligence  that  Elfonzo  was  then 
waiting,  and  every  preparation  was  then  ready,  at  the 
residence  of  Dr.  Tully,  and  for  her  to  make  a  quick 
escape  while  the  family  were  reposing.  Accordingly 
she  gathered  her  books,  went  to  the  wardrobe  supplied 
with  a  variety  of  ornamental  dressing,  and  ventured 
alone  in  the  streets  to  make  her  way  to  Elfonzo,  who 
was  near  at  hand,  impatiently  looking  and  watching  her 
arrival.  "  What  forms,"  said  she,  "  are  those  rising 
before  me?  What  is  that  dark  spot  on  the  clouds?  I 
do  wonder  v«hat  frightfu1  ghost  that  is,  gleaming  on 


458     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

the  red  tempest?  Oh,  be  merciful  and  tell  me  what 
region  you  are  from.  Oh,  tell  me,  ye  strong  spirits, 
or  ye  dark  and  fleeting  clouds,  that  I  yet  have  a 
friend."  "A  friend,"  said  a  low,  whispering  voice. 
"  I  am  thy  unchanging,  thy  aged,  and  thy  disappointed 
mother.  Oh,  Ambulinia,  why  hast  thou  deceived  me? 
Why  brandish  in  that  hand  of  thine  a  javdin  of  pointed 
steel?  Why  suffer  that  lip  I  have  kissed  a  thousand 
times,  to  equivocate?  My  daughter,  let  these  tears 
sink  deep  into  thy  soul,  and  no  longer  persist  in  that 
which  may  be  your  destruction  and  ruin.  Come,  my 
dear  child,  retract  your  steps,  and  bear  me  company  to 
your  welcome  home."  Without  one  retorting  word, 
or  frown  from  her  brow,  she  yielded  to  the  entreaties 
of  her  mother,  and  with  all  the  mildness  of  her  former 
character  she  went  along  with  the  silver  lamp  of  age, 
to  the  home  of  candor  and  benevolence.  Her  father 
received  her  cold  and  formal  politeness  — * 4  Where  has 
Ambulinia  been,  this  blustering  evening,  Mrs.  Valeer?" 
inquired  he.  "  Oh,  she  and  I  have  been  taking  a 
solitary  walk,"  said  the  mother;  "  all  things,  I  pre- 
sume, are  now  working  for  the  best."  . 

Elfonzo  heard  this  news  shortly  after  it  happened. 
4  What,"  said  he,  "  has  heaven  and  earth  turned 
against  me?  I  have  been  disappointed  times  without 
number.  Shall  I  despair?  —  must  I  give  it  over? 
Heaven's  decrees  will  not  fade;  I  will  write  again  —  I 
will  try  again;  and  if  it  traverses  a  gory  field,  I  pray 
forgiveness  at  the  altar  of  justice." 

DESOLATE  HILL,  GUMMING,  GEO.,  1844. 
UNCONQUERED  AND  BELOVED  AMBULINIA  — 

I  have  only  time  to  say  to  you,  not  to  despair;  thy  fame  shall  not  perish; 
my  visions  are  brightening  before  me.  The  whirlwind's  rage  is  past,  and 
we  now  shall  subdue  our  enemies  without  doubt.  On  Monday  morning, 
when  your  friends  are  at  breakfast,  they  will  not  suspect  your  departure,  01 
even  mistrust  me  being  in  town,  as  it  has  been  reported  advantageously* 


The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant     459 

that  I  have  left  for  the  west.  You  walk  carelessly  towards  the  academy 
grove,  where  you  will  find  me  with  a  lightning  steed,  elegantly  equipped  to 
bear  you  off  where  we  shall  be  joined  in  wedlock  with  the  first  connubial 
rights.  Fail  not  to  do  this  —  think  not  of  the  tedious  relations  of  our  wrongs 
—  be  invincible.  You  alone  occupy  all  my  ambition,  and  I  alone  will  make 
you  my  happy  spouse,  with  the  same  unimpeached  veracity.  I  remain, 
forever,  your  devoted  friend  and  admirer,  J.  I.  ELFONZO. 

The  appointed  day  ushered  in  undisturbed  by  any 
clouds;  nothing  disturbed  Ambulinia's  soft  beauty. 
With  serenity  and  loveliness  she  obeys  the  request  of 
Elfonzo.  The  moment  the  family  seated  themselves 
at  the  table — "  Excuse  my  absence  for  a  short  time," 
said  she,  "  while  I  attend  to  the  placing  of  those 
flowers,  which  should  have  been  done  a  week  ago." 
And  away  she  ran  to  the  sacred  grove,  surrounded  with 
glittering  pearls,  that  indicated  her  coming.  Elfonzo 
hails  her  with  his  silver  bow  and  his  golden  harp. 
They  meet  —  Ambulinia's  countenance  brightens  — 
Elfonzo  leads  up  his  winged  steed.  "  Mount,"  said 
he,  "ye  true-hearted,  ye  fearless  soul  —  the  day  is 
ours."  She  sprang  upon  the  back  of  the  young 
thunderbolt,  a  brilliant  star  sparkles  upon  her  head, 
with  one  hand  she  grasps  the  reins,  and  with  the  other 
she  holds  an  olive  branch.  "  Lend  thy  aid,  ye  strong 
winds,"  they  exclaimed,  "  ye  moon,  ye  sun,  and  all 
ye  fair  host  of  heaven,  witness  the  enemy  conquered." 
11  Hold,"  said  Elfonzo,  "  thy  dashing  steed."  "  Ride 
on,"  said  Ambulinia,  "  the  voice  of  thunder  is  behind 
us."  And  onward  they  went,  with  such  rapidity  that 
they  very  soon  arrived  at  Rural  Retreat,  where  they 
dismounted,  and  were  united  with  all  the  solemnities 
that  usually  attend  such  divine  operations.  They 
passed  the  day  in  thanksgiving  and  greet  rejoicing, 
and  on  that  evening  they  visited  their  uncle,  where 
many  of  their  friends  and  acquaintances  had  gathered 
to  congratulate  them  in  the  field  of  untainted  bliss. 


460     The  Enemy  Conquered;  or,  Love  Triumphant 

The  kind  old  gentleman  met  them  in  the  yard: 
"  Well,"  said  he,  "I  wish  I  may  die,  Elfonzo,  if  you 
and  Ambulinia  haven't  tied  a  knot  with  your  tongue 
that  you  can't  untie  with  your  teeth.  But  come  in, 
come  in,  never  mind,  all  is  right  —  the  world  still 
moves  on,  and  no  one  has  fallen  in  this  great  battle." 

Happy  now  is  their  lot !  Unmoved  by  misfortune, 
they  live  among  the  fair  beauties  of  the  South.  Heaven 
spreads  their  peace  and  fame  upon  the  arch  of  the 
rainbow,  and  smiles  propitously  at  their  triumph,, 
through  the  tears  of  the  storm. 


ABOUT  ALL  KINDS  OF  SHIPS 

THE  MODERN  STEAMER  AND  THE  OBSOLETE 
STEAMER 

WE  are  victims  of  one  common  superstition  —  the 
superstition  that  we  realize  the  changes  that  are 
daily  taking  place  in  the  world  because  we  read  about 
them  and  know  what  they  are.  I  should  not  have 
supposed  that  the  modern  ship  could  be  a  surprise  to 
me,  but  it  is.  It  seems  to  be  as  much  of  a  surprise  to 
me  as  it  could  have  been  if  I  had  never  read  anything 
about  it.  I  walk  about  this  great  vessel,  the  Havel, 
as  she  plows  her  way  through  the  Atlantic,  and  every 
detail  that  comes  under  my  eye  brings  up  the  miniature 
counterpart  of  it  as  it  existed  in  the  little  ships  I  crossed 
the  ocean  in  fourteen,  seventeen,  eighteen,  and  twenty 
years  ago. 

In  the  Havel  one  can  be  in  several  respects  more 
comfortable  than  he  can  be  in  the  best  hotels  on  the 
continent  of  Europe.  For  instance,  she  has  several 
bathrooms,  and  they  are  as  convenient  and  as  nicely 
equipped  as  the  bathrooms  in  a  fine  private  house  in 
America;  whereas  in  the  hotels  of  the  continent  one 
bathroom  is  considered  sufficient,  and  it  is  generally 
shabby  and  located  in  some  out-of-the-way  corner  of 
the  house ;  moreover,  you  need  to  give  notice  so  long 
beforehand  that  you  get  over  wanting  a  bath  by  the 
time  you  get  it.  In  the  hotels  there  are  a  good  many 
3°A  (461) 


462  About  ail  Kinds  of  Ships 

different  kinds  of  noises,  and  they  spoil  sleep ;  in  my 
room  in  the  ship  I  hear  no  sounds.  In  the  hotels  they 
usually  shut  off  the  electric  light  at  midnight ;  in  the 
ship  one  may  burn  it  in  one's  room  all  night. 

In  the  steamer  Batavia,  twenty  years  ago,  one  candle, 
set  in  the  bulkhead  between  two  staterooms,  was  there 
to  light  both  rooms,  but  did  not  light  either  of  them. 
It  was  extinguished  at  1 1  at  night,  and  so  were  all  the 
saloon  lamps  except  one  or  two,  which  were  left  burn- 
^ing  to  help  the  passenger  see  how  to  break  his  neck 
'trying  to  get  around  in  the  dark.  The  passengers  sat 
at  table  on  long  benches  made  of  the  hardest  kind  of 
wood ;  in  the  Havel  one  sits  on  a  swivel  chair  with  a 
cushioned  back  to  it.  In  those  old  times  the  dinner 
bill  of  fare  was  always  the  same:  a  pint  of  some 
simple,  homely  soup  or  other,  boiled  codfish  and 
potatoes,  slab  of  boiled  beef,  stewed  prunes  for  dessert 
—  on  Sundays  "dog  in  a  blanket,"  on  Thursdays 
"  plum  duff."  In  the  modern  ship  the  memi  is  choice 
and  elaborate,  and  is  changed  daily.  In  the  old  times 
dinner  was  a  sad  occasion;  in  our  day  a  concealed 
orchestra  enlivens  it  with  charming  music.  In  the  old 
days  the  decks  were  always  wet ;  in  our  day  they  are 
usually  dry,  for  the  promenade-deck  is  roofed  over, 
and  a  sea  seldom  comes  aboard.  In  a  moderately  dis- 
turbed sea,  in  the  old  days,  a  landsman  could  hardly 
keep  his  legs,  but  in  such  a  sea  in  our  day  the  decks 
are  as  level  as  a  table.  In  the  old  days  the  inside  of  a 
ship  was  the  plainest  and  barrenest  thing,  and  the  most 
dismal  and  uncomfortable  that  ingenuity  could  devise ; 
the  modern  ship  is  a  marvel  of  rich  and  costly  decora- 
tion and  sumptuous  appointment,  and  is  equipped  with 
every  comfort  and  convenience  that  money  can  buy. 
The  old  ships  had  no  place  of  assembly  but  the  dining- 
room,  the  new  ones  have  several  spacious  and  beautiful 
drawing-rooms.  The  old  ships  offered  the  passenger 


About  all  Kinds  of  Ships  463 

no  chance  to  smoke  except  in  the  place  that  was  called 
the  "  fiddle."  It  was  a  repulsive  den  made  of  rough 
boards  (full  of  cracks)  and  its  office  was  to  protect  the 
main  hatch.  It  was  grimy  and  dirty ;  there  were  no 
seats ;  the  only  light  was  a  lamp  of  the  rancid-oil-and- 
rag  kind;  the  place  was  very  cold,  and  never  dry,  for 
the  seas  broke  in  through  the  cracks  every  little  while 
and  drenched  the  cavern  thoroughly.  In  the  modern 
ship  there  are  three  or  four  large  smoking-rooms,  and 
they  have  card  tables  and  cushioned  sofas,  and  are 
heated  by  steam  and  lighted  by  electricity.  There  are 
few  European  hotels  with  such  smoking-rooms. 

The  former  ships  were  built  of  wood,  and  had  two 
or  three  water-tight  compartments  in  the  hold  with 
doors  in  them  which  were  often  left  open,  particularly 
when  the  ship  was  going  to  hit  a  rock.  The  modern 
leviathan  is  built  of  steel,  and  the  water-tight  bulkheads 
have  no  doors  in  them ;  they  divide  the  ship  into  nine 
or  ten  water-tight  compartments  and  endow  her  with 
as  many  lives  as  a  cat.  Their  complete  efficiency  was 
established  by  the  happy  results  following  the  memor- 
able accident  to  the  City  of  Paris  a  year  or  two  ago. 

One  curious  thing  which  is  at  once  noticeable  in  the 
great  modern  ship  is  the  absence  of  hubbub,  clatter, 
rush  of  feet,  roaring  of  orders.  That  is  all  gone  by. 
The  elaborate  maneuvers  necessary  in  v/orking  the 
vessel  into  her  dock  are  conducted  without  sound ;  one 
sees  nothing  of  the  processes,  hears  no  commands.  A 
Sabbath  stillness  and  solemnity  reign,  in  place  of  the 
turmoil  and  racket  of  the  earlier  days.  The  modern 
ship  has  a  spacious  bridge  fenced  chin-high  with  sail- 
cloth, and  floored  with  wooden  gratings;  and  this 
bridge,  with  its  fenced  fore-and-aft  annexes,  could  ac- 
commodate a  seated  audience  of  a  hundred  and  fifty 
men.  There  are  three  steering  equipments,  each  com- 
petent if  the  others  should  break.  From  the  bridge 


464  About  all  Kinds  of  Ships 

the  ship  is  steered,  and  also  handled.  The  handling 
is  not  done  by  shout  or  whistle,  but  by  signaling  with 
patent  automatic  gongs.  There  are  three  tell-tales, 
with  plainly  lettered  dials  —  for  steering,  handling  the 
engines,  and  for  communicating  orders  to  the  invisible 
mates  who  are  conducting  the  landing  of  the  ship  or 
casting  off.  The  officer  who  is  astern  is  out  of  sight 
and  too  far  away  to  hear  trumpet  calls ;  but  the  gongs 
near  him  tell  him  to  haul  in,  pay  out,  make  fast,  let 
go,  and  so  on ;  he  hears,  but  the  passengers  do  not,  and 
so  the  ship  seems  to  land  herself  without  human  help. 
This  great  bridge  is  thirty  or  forty  feet  above  the 
water,  but  the  sea  climbs  up  there  sometimes ;  so  there 
is  another  bridge  twelve  or  fifteen  feet  higher  still,  for 
use  in  these  emergencies.  The  force  of  water  is  a 
strange  thing.  It  slips  between  one's  fingers  like  air, 
but  upon  occasion  it  acts  like  a  solid  body  and  will 
bend  a  thin  iron  rod.  In  the  Havel  it  has  splintered  a 
heavy  oaken  rail  into  broom-straws  instead  of  merely 
breaking  it  in  two,  as  would  have  been  the  seemingly 
natural  thing  for  it  to  do.  At  the  time  of  the  awful 
Johnstown  disaster,  according  to  the  testimony  of 
several  witness*^  rocks  were  carried  some  distance  on 
the  surface  of  the  stupendous  torrent;  and  at  St. 
Helena,  many  years  ago,  a  vast  sea  wave  carried  a 
battery  of  cannon  forty  feet  up  a  steep  slope  and 
deposited  the  guns  there  in  a  row.  But  the  water  has 
done  a  still  stranger  thing,  and  it  is  one  which  is 
credibly  vouched  for.  A  marlinspike  is  an  implement 
about  a  foot  long  which  tapers  from  its  butt  to  the 
other  extremity  and  ends  in  a  sharp  point.  It  is  made 
of  iron  and  is  heavy.  A  wave  came  aboard  a  ship  in  a 
storm  and  raged  aft,  breast  high,  carrying  a  marlin- 
spike point  first  with  it,  and  with  such  lightning-like 
swiftness  and  force  as  to  drive  it  three  or  four  inches 
into  a  .sailor's  body  and  kill  him. 


About  all  Kinds  of  Ships  46? 

In  all  ways  the  ocean  greyhound  of  to-day  is  im- 
posing and  impressive  to  one  who  carries  in  his  head 
no  ship  pictures  of  a*  recent  date.  In  bulk  she  comes 
near  to  rivaling  the  Ark ;  yet  this  monstrous  mass  of 
steel  is  driven  five  hundred  miles  through  the  waves  in 
twejity-four  hours.  I  remember  the  brag  run  of  a 
steamer  which  I  traveled  in  once  on  the  Pacific  —  it 
was  two  hundred  and  nine  miles  in  twenty-four  hours ; 
a  year  or  so  later  I  was  a  passenger  in  the  excursion 
tub  Quaker  City,  and  on  one  occasion  in  a  level  and 
glassy  sea,  it  was  claimed  that  she  reeled  off  two  hun- 
dred and  eleven  miles  between  noon  and  noon,  but  it 
was  probably  a  campaign  lie.  That  little  steamer  had 
seventy  passengers,  and  a  crew  of  forty  men,  and 
seemed  a  good  deal  of  a  beehive.  But  in  this  present 
ship  we  are  living  in  a  sort  of  solitude,  these  soft 
summer  days,  with  sometimes  a  hundred  passengers 
scattered  about  the  spacious  distances,  and  sometimes 
nobody  in  sight  at  all ;  yet,  hidden  somewhere  in  the 
vessel's  bulk,  there  are  (including  crew)  near  eleven 
hundred  people. 

The  stateliest  lines  in  the  literature  of  the  sea  are  these : 

"  Britannia  needs  no  bulwarks,  no  towers  along  the  steep  — 

Her  march  is  o'er  the  mountain  waves,  her  home  is  on  the  deep !  " 

There  it  is.  In  those  old  times  the  little  ships 
climbed  over  the  waves  and  wallowed  down  into  the 
trough  on  the  ether  side ;  the  giant  ship  of  our  day 
does  not  climb  over  the  waves,,  but  crushes  her  way 
through  them.  Her  formidable  weight  and  mass  and 
impetus  give  her  mastery  over  any  but  extraordinary 
storm  waves 

The   ingenuity   of   mgr. !     I   mean   in   this   passing 
generation.     To-day  I  found  in  the  chart-room  a  frame 
of  removable  wooden  slats  on  the  wall,  and  on  the  slats 
was  painted  uninforming  information  like  this : 
30*** 


466  About  all  Kinds  of  Ships 

Trim-Tank, Empty 

Double-Bottom  No.  I, Full 

Double-Bottom  No.  2,    .         .         4  .  Full 

Double-Bottom  No.  3, Full 

Double-Bottom  No.  4, Full 

While  I  was  trying  to  think  out  what  kind  of  a  game 
this  might  be  and  how  a  stranger  might  best  gO  to 
work  to  beat  it,  a  sailor  came  in  and  pulled  out  the 
1 '  Empty  ' '  end  of  the  first  slat  and  put  it  back  with  its 
reverse  side  to  the  front,  marked  "  Full."  He  made 
some  other  change,  I  did  not  notice  what.  The  slat- 
frame  was  soon  explained.  Its  function  was  to  indicate 
how  the  ballast  in  the  ship  was  distributed.  The 
striking  thing  was  that  the  ballast  was  water.  I  did 
not  know  that  a  ship  had  ever  been  ballasted  with 
water.  I  had  merely  read,  some  time  or  other,  that 
such  an  experiment  was  to  be  tried.  But  that  is  the 
modern  way;  between  the  experimental  trial  of  a  new 
thing  and  its  adoption,  t^ere  is  no  wasted  time,  if  the 
trial  proves  its  value. 

On  the  wall,  near  the  slat-framt,  there  was  an  outline 
drawing  of  the  ship,  and  this  betrayed  the  fact  that  this 
vessel  has  twenty-uyo  considerable  lakes  of  water  in 
her.  These  lakes  are  jn  her  bottom;  they  are  im- 
prisoned between  her  real  bottom  and  a  false  bottom. 
They  are  separated  from  each  other,  thwartships,  by 
water-tight  bulkheads,  and  separated  down  the  middle 
by  a  bulkhead  running  from  the  bow  four-fifths  of  the 
way  to  the  stern.  It  is  a  chain  of  lakes  four  hundred 
feet  long  and  from  five  to  seven  feet  deep.  Fourteen 
of  the  lakes  contain  fresh  water  brought  from  shore, 
and  the  aggregate  weight  of  it  is  four  hundred  tons. 
The  rest  of  the  lakes  contain  salt  water  —  six  hundred 
and  eighteen  tons.  Upwards  of  a  thousand  tons  of 
water,  altogether. 

Think  how  handy  this  ballast  is.     The  ship  leaves 


About  all  Kinds  of  Ships  467 

port  with  the  lakes  all  full.  As  she  lightens  forward 
through  consumption  of  coal,  she  loses  trim  —  her 
head  rises,  her  stern  sinks  down.  Then  they  spill  one 
of  the  sternward  lakes  into  the  sea,  and  the  trim  is 
restored.  This  can  be  repeated  right  along  as  occasion 
may  require.  Also,  a  lake  at  one  end  of  the  ship  can 
be  moved  to  the  other  end  by  pipes  and  steam  pumps. 
When  the  sailor  changed  the  slat-frame  to-day,  he  was 
posting  a  transference  of  that  kind.  The  seas  had 
been  increasing,  and  the  vessel's  head  needed  more 
weighting,  to  keep  it  from  rising  on  the  waves  instead 
of  plowing  through  them;  therefore,  twenty-five  tons 
of  water  had  been  transferred  to  the  bow  from  a  lake 
situated  well  towards  the  stern. 

A  water  compartment  is  kept  either  full  or  empty. 
The  body  of  water  must  be  compact,  so  that  it  cannot 
slosh  around.  A  shifting  ballast  would  not  do,  of 
course. 

The  modern  ship  is  full  of  beautiful  ingenuities,  but 
it  seems  to  me  that  this  one  is  the  king.  I  would 
rather  be  the  originator  of  that  idea  than  of  any  of  the 
others.  Perhaps  the  trim  of  a  ship  was  never  perfectly 
ordered  and  preserved  until  now.  A  vessel  out  of  trim 
will  not  steer,  her  speed  is  maimed,  she  strains  and 
labors  in  the  seas.  Poor  creature,  for  six  thousand 
years  she  has  had  no  comfort  until  these  latest  days. 
For  six  thousand  years  she  swam  through  the  best  and 
cheapest  ballast  in  the  world,  the  only  perfect  ballast, 
but  she  couldn't  tell  her  master  and  he  had  not  the  wit 
to  find  it  out  for  himself.  It  is  odd  to  reflect  that  there 
is  nearly  as  much  water  inside  of  this  ship  as  there  is 
outside,  and  yet  there  is  no  danger. 


DD«** 


468  About  all  Kinds  of  Ships 


NOAH'S  ARK 

THE  progress  made  in  the  great  art  of  ship-building 
since  Noah's  time  is  quite  noticeable.  Also,  the  loose- 
ness of  the  navigation  laws  in  the  time  of  Noah  is  in 
quite  striking  contrast  with  the  strictness  of  the  naviga- 
tion laws  of  our  time.  It  would  not  be  possible  for 
Noah  to  do  in  our  day  what  he  was  permitted  to  do  in 
his  own.  Experience  has  taught  us  the  necessity  of 
being  more  particular,  more  conservative,  more  careful 
of  human  life.  Noah  would  not  be  allowed  to  sail  from 
Bremen  in  our  day.  The  inspectors  would  come  and 
examine  the  Ark,  and  make  all  sorts  of  objections.  A 
person  who  knows  Germany  can  imagine  the  scene  and 
the  conversation  without  difficulty  and  without  missing 
a  detail.  The  inspector  would  be  in  a  beautiful  military 
uniform;  he  would  be  respectful,  dignified,  kindly,  the 
perfect  gentleman,  but  steady  as  the  north  star  to  the 
last  requirement  of  his  duty.  He  would  make  Noah 
tell  him  where  he  was  born,  and  how  old  he  was,  and 
what  religious  sect  he  belonged  to,  and  the  amount  of 
his  income,  and  the  grade  and  position  he  claimed 
socially,  and  the  name  and  style  of  his  occupation,  and 
how  many  wives  and  children  he  had,  and  how  many 
servants,  and  the  name,  sex,  and  age  of  the  whole  of 
them;  and  if  he  hadn't  a  passport  he  would  be 
courteously  required  to  get  one  right  away.  Then  he 
would  take  up  the  matter  of  the  Ark : 

44  What  is  her  length?" 

44  Six  hundred  feet." 

•'Depth?" 

•4  Sixty-five." 

••Beam?" 

44  Fifty  or  sixty." 

•'Built  of— " 


About  all  Kinds  of  Ships  469 


"Wood." 

"What  kind?" 

*4  Shittim  and  gopher." 

44  Interior  and  exterior  decorations?" 

44  Pitched  within  and  without." 

44  Passengers?" 


"Sex?" 

"  Half  male,  the  others  female/9 

"Ages?" 

44  From  a  hundred  years  up." 

"Up  to  where?" 

"  Six  hundred." 

41  Ah  —  going  to  Chicago;  good  idea,  too.  Sur- 
geon's name?" 

44  We  have  no  surgeon." 

44  Must  provide  a  surgeon.  Also  an  undertaker  — 
particularly  the  undertaker.  These  people  must  not  be 
left  without  the  necessities  of  life  at  their  age.  Crew?" 

44  The  same  eight." 

44  The  same  eight?" 

44  The  same  eight." 

44  And  half  of  them  women?" 

44  Yes,  sir." 

44  Have  they  ever  served  as  seamen?" 

44  No,  sir." 

44  Have  the  men?" 

"No,  sir." 

44  Have  any  of  you  ever  been  to  sea?" 

"No,  sir." 

14  Where  were  you  reared?' 

"On  a  farm  — all  of  us." 

44  This  vessel  requires  a  crew  of  eight  hundred  men, 
she  not  being  a  steamer.  You  must  provide  them. 
She  must  have  four  mates  and  nine  cooks.  Who  is 
captain?" 


470  About  all  Kinds  of  Ships 

"I  am,  sir." 

"  You  must  get  a  captain.  Also  a  chambermaid. 
Also  sick  nurses  for  the  old  people.  Who  designed 
this  vessel?" 

"I  did,  sir." 

' '  Is  it  your  first  attempt?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"  I  partly  suspected  it.     Cargo?" 

"Animals." 

"Kind?" 

"All  kinds." 

"Wild,  or  tame?" 

"Mainly  wild." 

"  Foreign  or  domestic?" 

"  Mainly  foreign." 

"  Principal  wild  ones?" 

"  Megatherium,  elephant,  rhinoceros,  lion,  tiger, 
wolf,  snakes  —  all  the  wild  things  of  all  climes  —  two 
of  each." 

"  Securely  Caged?" 

"No,  not  caged." 

"  They  must  have  iron  cages.  Who  feeds  and  waters 
the  menagerie?" 

"We  do." 

"The  old  people?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"It  is  dangerous  —  for  both.  The  animals  must  be 
cared  for  by  a  competent  force.  How  many  animals 
are  there?" 

"  Big  ones,  seven  thousand;  big  and  little  together, 
ninety-eight  thousand." 

*  You  must  provide  twelve  hundred  keepers.  How 
is  the  vessel  lighted?" 

"  By  two  windows." 

"Where  are  they?" 

"  Up  under  the  eaves.*' 


About  all  Kinds  of  Ships  471 

44  Two  windows  for  a  tunnel  six  hundred  feet  long 
and  sixty-five  feet  deep  ?  You  must  put  in  the  electric 
light  —  a  few  arc  lights  and  fifteen  hundred  incandes- 
cents.  What  do  you  do  in  case  of  leaks?  Hovv  many 
pumps  have  you?" 
4 'None,  sir." 

*  You  must  provide  pumps.  How  do  you  get  water 
for  the  passengers  and  the  animals?" 

4  We  let  down  the  buckets  from  the  windows." 
14  It  is  inadequate.     What  is  your  motive  power?" 
4  What  is  my  which?" 

4  Motive  power.    What  power  do  you  use  in  driving 
the  ship?" 
44  None." 

4  You  must    provide  sails  or  steam.     What  is  the 
nature  of  your  steering  apparatus?" 
44  We  haven't  any." 
44  Haven't  you  a  rudder?" 
4  No,  sir." 

*4  How  do  you  steer  the  vessel?" 
4  We  don't." 

4  You  must  provide  a  rudder,  and  properly  equip  it. 
How  many  anchors  have  you?" 
"None." 

4  You  must  provide  six.     One  is  not  permitted   to 
sail  a  vessel  like  this  without  that  protection.     How 
many  life-boats  have  you?" 
"None,  sir." 

44  Provide  twenty-five.     How  many  life-preservers?" 
44  None." 

4  You  will  provide  two  thousand.    How  long  are  you 
expecting  your  voyage  to  last?" 
4  Eleven  or  twelve  months." 

4  Eleven  or  twelve  months.  Pretty  slow  —  but  you 
will  be  in  time  for  the  Exposition.  What  is  your  ship 
sheathed  with  —  copper?" 


472  About  all  Kinds  of  Ships 

"  Her  hull  is  bare —  not  sheathed  at  all." 

14  Dear  man,  the  wood-boring  creatures  of  the  sea 
would  riddle  her  like  a  sieve  and  send  her  to  the  bottom 
in  three  months.  She  cannot  be  allowed  to  go  away  in 
this  condition;  she  must  be  sheathed.  Just  a  word 
more :  Have  you  reflected  that  Chicago  is  an  inland 
city  and  not  reachable  with  a  vessel  like  this?" 

"  Shecargo?  What  is  Shecargo?  I  am  not  going 
to  Shecargo/' 

"Indeed?  Then  may  I  ask  what  the  animals  are 
for?" 

"  Just  to  breed  others  from." 

"  Others?     Is  it  possible  that  you  haven't  enough?" 

41  For  the  present  needs  of  civilization,  yes;  but  the 
lest  are  going  to  be  drowned  in  a  flood,  and  these  are 
to  renew  the  supply." 

"  A  flood?" 
'Yes,  sir." 

"  Are  you  sure  of  that?" 

44  Perfectly  sure.  It  is  going  to  rain  forty  days  and 
forty  nights." 

"  Give  yourself  no  concern  about  that,  dear  sir,  it 
often  does  that  here." 

*'  Not  this  kind  of  rain.  This  is  going  to  cover  the 
mountain  tops,  and  the  earth  will  pass  from  sight." 

"  Privately — but  of  course  not  officially — I  am 
sorry  you  revealed  this,  for  it  compels  me  to  withdraw 
the  option  I  gave  you  as  to  sails  or  steam.  I  must 
require  you  to  use  steam.  Your  ship  cannot  carry  the 
hundredth  part  of  an  eleven-months  water  supply  for 
the  animals.  You  will  have  to  have  condensed  water." 

"  But  I  tell  you  I  am  going  to  dip  water  from  out- 
side with  buckets." 

"  It  will  not  answer.  Before  the  flood  reaches  the 
mountain  tops  the  fresh  waters  will  have  joined  the  salt 
seas,  and  it  will  all  be  salt.  You  must  put  in  steam 


About  all  Kinds  of  Ships  47) 

and  condense  your  water.  I  will  now  bid  you  good 
day,  sir.  Did  I  understand  you  to  say  tfiat  this  was 
your  very  first  attempt  at  ship  building?" 

"  My  very  first,  sir,  I  give  you  the  honest  truth.  I 
built  this  Ark  without  having  ever  had  the  slightest 
training  or  experience  or  instruction  in  marine  architec- 
ture." 

"It  is  a  remarkable  work,  sir,  a  most  remarkable 
work.  I  consider  that  it  contains  more  features  that 
are  new  —  absolutely  new  and  unhackneyed  —  than 
are  to  be  found  in  any  other  vessel  that  swims  the 
seas." 

"  This  compliment  does  me  infinite  honor,  dear  sir, 
infinite ;  and  I  shall  cherish  the  memory  of  it  while  life 
shall  last.  Sir,  I  offer  my  duty  and  most  grateful 
thanks.  Adieu." 

No,  the  German  inspector  would  be  limitlessly  courte- 
ous to  Noah,  and  would  make  him  feel  that  he  was 
among  friends,  but  he  wouldn't  let  him  go  to  sea  with 
that  Ark. 


COLUMBUS'S  CRAFT 

BETWEEN  Noah's  time  and  the  time  of  Columbus 
naval  architecture  underwent  some  changes,  and  from 
being  unspeakably  bad  was  improved  to  a  point  which 
may  be  described  as  less  unspeakably  bad.  I  have 
read  somewhere,  some  time  or  ether,  that  one  of 
Columbus' s  ships  was  a  ninety-ton  vessel.  By  com- 
paring that  ship  with  tfcc  ocean  greyhounds  of  our  time 
one  is  able  to  get  down  to  a  comprehension  of  how 
small  that  Spanish  bark  was,  and  how  little  fitted  she 
would  be  to  run  opposition  in  the  Atlantic  passenger 
trade  to-day.  It  would  take  seventy-four  of  her  to 
match  the  tonnage  of  the  Havel  and  carry  the  Havel'* 


474  About  all  Kinds  of  Ships 

trip.  If  I  remember  rightly,  it  took  her  ten  weeks  to 
make  the  passage.  With  our  ideas  this  would  now  be 
considered  an  objectionable  gait.  She  probably  had  a 
captain,  a  mate,  and  a  crew  consisting  of  four  seamen 
and  a  boy.  The  crew  of  a  modern  greyhound  numbers 
two  hundred  and  fifty  persons. 

Columbus 's  ship  being  small  and  very  old,  we  know 
that  we  may  draw  from  these  two  facts  several  absolute 
certainties  in  the  way  of  mino-r  details  which  history 
has  left  unrecorded.  For  instance:  being  small,  we 
know  that  she  rolled  and  pitched  and  tumbled  in  any 
ordinary  sea,  and  stood  on  her  head  or  her  tail,  or  lay 
down  with  her  ear  in  the  water,  when  storm  seas  ran 
high ;  also,  that  she  was  used  to  having  billows  plunge 
aboard  and  wash  her  decks  from  stem  to  stern;  also, 
that  the  storm  racks  were  on  the  table  all  the  way  over, 
and  that  nevertheless  a  man's  soup  was  oftener  landed 
in  his  lap  than  in  his  stomach ;  also,  that  the  dining- 
saloon  was  about  ten  feet  by  seven,  dark,  airless,  and 
suffocating  with  oil-stench;  also,  that  there  was  only 
about  one  stateroom,  the  size  of  a  grave,  with  a  tier  of 
two  or  three  berths  in  it  of  the  dimensions  and  com- 
fortableness of  coffins,  and  that  when  the  light  was  out 
the  darkness  in  there  was  so  thick  and  real  that  you 
could  bite  into  it  and  chew  it  like  gum;  also,  that  the 
only  promenade  was  on  the  lofty  poop-deck  astern 
(for  the  ship  was  shaped  like  a  high-quarter  shoe)  —  a 
streak  sixteen  feet  long  by  three  feet  wide,  all  the  rest 
of  the  vessel  being  littered  with  ropes  and  flooded  by 
the  seas. 

We  know  all  these  things  to  be  true,  from  the  mere 
fact  that  we  know  the  vessel  was  small.  As  the  vessel 
was  old,  certain  other  truths  follow,  as  matters  of 
course.  For  instance :  she  was  full  of  rats ;  she  was 
full  of  cockroaches;  the  heavy  seas  made  her  seams 
open  and  shut  like  your  fingers,  and  she  leaked  like  a 


AOOUC  all  Kinds  of  Ships  475 

basket;  where  leakage  is,  there  also,  of  necessity,  is 
bilgewater;  and  where  bilgewater  is,  only  the  dead  can 
enjoy  life.  This  is  on  account  of  the  smell.  In  the 
presence  of  bilgewater,  Limburger  cheese  becomes 
odorless  and  ashamed. 

From  these  absolutely  sure  data  we  can.  competently 
picture  the  daily  life  of  the  great  discoverer.  In  the 
early  morning  he  paid  his  devotions  at  the  shrine  of 
the  Virgin.  At  eight  bells  he  appeared  on  the  poop- 
deck  promenade.  If  the  weather  was  chilly  he  came 
up  clad  from  plumed  helmet  to  spurred  heel  in  mag- 
nificent plate  armor  inlaid  with  arabesques  of  gold, 
having  previously  warmed  it  at  the  galley  fire.  If  the 
weather  was  warm  he  came  up  in  the  ordinary  sailor 
toggery  of  the  time  —  great  slouch  hat  of  blue  velvet 
with  a  flowing  brush  of  snowy  ostrich  plumes,  fastened 
on  with  a  flashing  cluster  of  diamonds  and  emeralds ; 
gold-embroidered  doublet  of  green  velvet  with  slashed 
sleeves  exposing  under-sleeves  of  crimson  satin ;  deep 
collar  and  cuff  ruffles  of  rich  limp  lace ;  trunk  hose  of 
pink  velvet,  with  big  knee-knots  of  brocaded  yellow 
ribbon;  pearl- tinted  silk  stockings,  clocked  and  daintily 
embroidered;  lemon-colored  buskins  of  unborn  kid, 
funnel-topped,  and  drooping  low  to  expose  the  pretty 
stockings;  deep  gauntlets  of  finest  white  heretic  skin, 
from  the  factory  of  the  Holy  Inquisition,  formerly 
part  of  the  person  of  a  lady  of  rank;  rapier  with 
sheath  crusted  with  jewels,  and  hanging  from  a  broad 
baldric  upholstered  with  rubies  and  sapphires. 

He  walked  the  promenade  thoughtfully,  he  noted  the 
aspects  of  the  sky  and  the  course  of  the  wind ;  he  kept 
an  eye  out  for  drifting  vegetation  and  other  signs  of 
land ;  he  jawed  the  man  at  the  wheel  for  pastime ;  he 
got  out  an  imitation  egg  and  kept  himself  in  practice 
on  his  old  trick  of  making  it  stand  on  its  end ;  now  and 
then  he  hove  a  life-line  below  and  fished  up  a  sailoi 


476  About  all  Kinds  of  Ships 

who  was  drowning  on  the  quarter-deck ;  the  rest  of  his 
watch  he  gaped  and  yawned  and  stretched,  and  said  he 
wouldn't  make  the  trip  again  to  discover  six  Americas. 
For  that  was  the  kind  of  natural  human  person  Colum- 
bus was  when  not  posing  for  posterity. 

At  noon  he  took  the  sun  and  ascertained  that  the 
good  ship  had  made  three  hundred  yards  in  twenty- 
four  hours,  and  this  enabled  him  to  win  the  pool. 
Anybody  can  win  the  pool  when  nobody  but  himself 
has  the  privilege  of  straightening  out  the  ship's  run  and 
getting  it  right. 

The  Admiral  has  breakfasted  alone,  in  state :  bacon, 
beans,  and  gin ;  at  noon  he  dines  alone,  in  state :  bacon, 
beans,  and  gin;  at  six  he  sups  alone,  in  state:  bacon, 
beans,  and  gin;  at  eleven  P.  M.  he  takes  a  night 
relish  alone,  in  state:  bacon,  beans,  and  gin.  At  none 
of  these  orgies  is  there  any  music ;  the  ship  orchestra 
is  modern.  After  his  final  meal  he  returned  thanks  for 
his  many  blessings,  a  little  overrating  their  value,  per- 
haps ;  and  then  he  laid  off  his  silken  splendors  or  his 
gilded  hardware,  and  turned  in,  in  his  little  coffin-bunk, 
and  blew  out  his  flickering  stencher  and  began  to  re- 
fresh his  lungs  with  inverted  sighs  freighted  with  the 
rich  odors  of  rancid  oil  and  bilgewater.  The  sighs 
returned  as  snores,  and  then  the  rats  and  the  cock- 
roaches swarmed  out  in  brigades  and  divisions  and 
army  corps  and  had  a  circus  all  over  him.  Such  was 
the  daily  life  of  the  great  discoverer  in  his  marine 
basket  during  several  historic  weeks;  and  the  difference 
between  his  ship  and  his  comforts  and  ours  is  visible 
almost  at  a  glance. 

When  he  returned,  the  King  of  Spain,  marveling, 
said  —  as  history  records : 

"  This  ship  seems  to  be  leaky.  Did  she  leak 
badly?" 

"  You  shall  judge  for  yourself,  sire.     I  pumped  the 


About  all  Kinds  of  Ships  477 

Atlantic  Ocean  through  her  sixteen  times  on  the 
passage." 

This  is  General  Horace  Porter's  account.  Other 
authorities  say  fifteen. 

It  can  be  shown  that  the  differences  between  that 
ship  and  the  one  I  am  writing  these  historical  contribu- 
tions in  are  in  several  respects  remarkable.  Take  the 
matter  of  decoration,  for  instance.  I  have  been  look- 
ing around  again,  yesterday  and  to-day,  and  have 
noted  several  details  which  I  conceive  to  have  been 
absent  from  Columbus's  ship,  or  at  least  slurred  over 
and  not  elaborated  and  perfected.  I  observe  stateroom 
doors  three  inches  thick,  of  solid  oak  and  polished.  I 
note  companion-way  vestibules  with  walls,  doors,  and 
ceilings  paneled  in  polished  hardwoods,  some  light, 
some  dark,  all  dainty  and  delicate  joiner-work,  and  yet 
every  joint  compact  and  tight;  with  beautiful  pictures 
inserted,  composed  of  blue  tiles  —  some  of  the  pictures 
containing  as  many  as  sixty  tiles  —  and  the  joinings  of 
those  tiles  perfect.  These  are  daring  experiments. 
One  would  have  said  that  the  first  time  the  ship  went 
straining  and  laboring  through  a  storm-tumbled  sea 
those  tiles  would  gape  apart  and  drop  out.  That  they 
have  not  done  so  is  evidence  that  the  joiner's  art  has 
advanced  a  good  deal  since  the  days  when  ships  were 
so  shackly  that  when  a  giant  sea  gave  them  a  wrench 
the  doors  came  unbolted.  I  find  the  walls  of  the 
dining-saloon  upholstered  with  mellow  pictures  wrought 
in  tapestry  and  the  ceiling  aglow  with  pictures  done  in 
oil.  In  other  places  of  assembly  I  find  great  panels 
filled  with  embossed  Spanish  leather,  the  figures  rich 
with  gilding  and  bronze.  Everywhere  I  find  sumptuous 
masses  of  color  —  color,  color,  color  —  color  all 
about,  color  of  every  shade  and  tint  and  variety;  and, 
as  a  result,  the  ship  is  bright  and  cheery  to  the  eye, 
and  this  cheeriness  invades  one's  spirit  and  contents  it. 


478  About  all  Kinds  of  Ships 

To  fully  appreciate  the  force  and  spritual  value  of  this 
radiant  and  opulent  dream  of  color,  one  must  stand 
outside  at  night  in  the  pitch  dark  and  the  rain,  and 
look  in  through  a  port,  and  observe  it  in  the  lavish 
splendor  of  the  electric  lights.  The  old-time  ships 
were  dull,  plain,  graceless,  gloomy,  and  horribly  de- 
pressing. They  compelled  the  blues;  one  could  not 
escape  the  blues  in  them.  The  modern  idea  is  right: 
to  surround  the  passenger  with  conveniences,  luxuries, 
and  abundance  of  inspiriting  color.  As  a  result,  the 
ship  is  the  pleasantest  place  one  can  be  in,  except, 
perhaps,  one's  home. 


A  VANISHED  SENTIMENT 

ONE  thing  is  gone,  to  return  no  more  forever  —  the 
romance  of  the  sea.  Soft  sentimentality  about  the  sea 
has  retired  from  the  activities  of  this  life,  and  is  but  a 
memory  of  the  past,  already  remote  and  much  faded. 
But  within  the  recollection  of  men  still  living,  it  was  in 
the  breast  of  every  individual;  and  the  further  any 
individual  lived  from  salt  water  the  more  of  it  he  kept 
in  stock.  It  was  as  pervasive,  as  universal,  as  the 
atmosphere  itself.  The  mere  mention  of  the  sea,  the 
romantic  sea,  would  make  any  company  of  people 
sentimental  and  mawkish  at  once.  The  great  majority 
of  the  songs  that  were  sung  by  the  young  people  of 
the  back  settlements  had  the  melancholy  wanderer  for 
subject  and  his  mouthings  about  the  sea  for  refrain. 
Picnic  .parties  paddling  down  a  creek  in  a  canoe  when 
the  twilight  shadows  were  gathering  always  sang : 

Homeward  bound,  homeward  bound 
From  a  foreign  shore; 

and  this   was    also    a   favorite   in  the   West   with   the 


About  all  Kinds  of  Ships  479 

passengers    on    sternwheel    steamboats.      There    wa« 
another : 

My  boat  is  by  the  shore 

And  my  bark  is  on  the  sea, 
But  before  I  go,  Tom  Moore, 

Here's  a  double  health  to  thee. 

And  this  one,  also: 

O  pilot,  'tis  a  fearful  night, 
There's  danger  on  the  deep. 

And  this: 

A  life  on  the  ocean  wave 

And  a  home  on  the  rolling  deep, 
Where  the  scattered  waters  rave 

And  the  winds  their  revels  keep ! 

And  this : 

A  wet  sheet  and  a  flowing  sea, 
And  a  wind  that  follows  fair. 

And  this : 

My  foot  is  on  my  gallant  deck, 
Once  more  the  rover  is  free ! 

And  the  "  Larboard  Watch  " — the  person  referred 
to  below  is  at  the  masthead,  or  somewhere  up  there: 

Oh,  who  can  tell  what  joy  he  feels, 
As  o'er  the  foam  his  vessel  reels, 
And  his  tired  eyelids  slumb'ring  fall, 
He  rouses  at  the  welcome  call 

Of  "  Larboard  watch  —  ahoy !  " 

Yes,  and  there  was  forever  and  always  some  jackass- 
voiced  person  braying  out : 

Rocked  in  the  cradle  of  the  deep, 
I  lay  me  down  in  peace  to  sleep ! 

Other  favorites  had   these   suggestive  titles:   "The 
Storm  at  Sea;'*   "The  Bird  at  Sea;"   "The  Sailor 


480  About  all  Kinds  of  Ships 

Boy's  Dream;"  "The  Captive  Pirate's  Lament;" 
*  We  are  far  from  Home  on  the  Stormy  Main  " — • 
and  so  on,  and  so  on,  the  list  is  endless.  Everybody 
on  a  farm  lived  chiefly  amid  the  dangers  of  the  deep  in 
those  days,  in  fancy. 

But  all  that  is  gone  now.  Not  a  vestige  of  it  is  left. 
The  iron-clad,  with  her  unsentimental  aspect  and  frigid 
attention  to  business,  banished  romance  from  the  war 
marine,  and  the  unsentimental  steamer  has  banished  it 
from  the  commercial  marine.  The  dangers  and  uncer- 
tainties which  made  sea  life  romantic  have  disappeared 
and  carried  the  poetic  element  along  with  them.  In 
our  day  the  passengers  never  sing  sea-songs  on  board 
a  ship,  and  the  band  never  plays  them.  Pathetic  songs 
about  the  wanderer  in  strange  lands  far  from  home, 
once  so  popular  and  contributing  such  fire  and  color  to 
the  imagination  by  reason  of  the  rarity  of  that  kind  of 
wanderer,  have  lost  their  charm  and  fallen  silent,  be- 
cause everybody  is  a  wanderer  in  the  far  lands  now, 
and  the  interest  in  that  detail  is  dead.  Nobody  is 
worried  about  the  wanderer ;  there  are  no  perils  of  the 
sea  for  him,  there  are  no  uncertainties.  He  is  safer  in 
the  ship  than  he  would  probably  be  at  home,  for  there 
he  is  always  liable  to  have  to  attend  some  friend's 
funeral  and  stand  over  the  grave  in  the  sJeet,  bare- 
headed —  and  that  means  pneumonia  for  him,  if  he 
gets  his  deserts ;  and  the  uncertainties  of  his  voyage 
are  reduced  to  whether  he  will  arrive  on  the  other  side 
in  the  appointed  afternoon,  or  have  to  wait  till  morning. 

The  first  ship  I  was  ever  in  was  a  sailing  vessel.  She 
was  twenty-eight  days  going  from  San  Francisco  to  the 
Sandwich  Islands.  But  the  main  reason  for  this  par- 
ticularly slow  passage  was,  that  she  got  becalmed  and 
lay  in  one  spot  fourteen  days  in  the  center  of  the 
Pacific  two  thousand  miles  from  land.  I  hear  no  sea- 
songs  in  this  present  vessel,  but  I  heard  the  entire  lay- 


About  all  Kinds  of  Ships  481 

out  in  that  one.  There  were  a  dozen  young  people  — • 
they  are  pretty  old  now,  I  reckon  —  and  they  used  to 
group  themselves  on  the  stern,  in  the  starlight  or  the 
moonlight,  every  evening,  and  sing  sea-songs  till  after 
midnight,  in  that  hot,  silent,  motionless  calm.  They 
had  no  sense  of  humor,  and  they  always  sang  "  Home- 
ward Bound,"  without  reflecting  that  that  was  practi- 
cally ridiculous,  since  they  were  standing  still  and  not 
proceeding  in  any  direction  at  all;  and  they  often 
followed  that  song  with  "  *  Are  we  almost  there,  are  we 
almost  there/  said  the  dying  girl  as  she  drew  near 
home?" 

It  was  a  very  pleasant  company  of  young  people, 
and  I  wonder  where  they  are  now.  Gone,  oh,  none 
knows  whither ;  and  the  bloom  and  grace  and  beauty 
of  their  youth,  where  is  that?  Among  them  was  a 
liar;  all  tried  to  reform  him,  but  none  could  do  it. 
And  so,  gradually,  he  was  left  to  himself;  none  of  us 
would  associate  with  him.  Many  a  time  since  I  have 
seen  in  fancy  that  forsaken  figure,  leaning  forlorn 
against  the  taffrail,  and  have  reflected  that  perhaps  if 
we  had  tried  harder,  and  been  more  patient,  we  might 
have  won  him  from  his  fault  and  persuaded  him  to 
relinquish  it.  But  it  is  hard  to  tell;  with  him  the  vice 
was  extreme,  and  was  probably  incurable.  I  like  to 
think  —  and,  indeed,  I  do  think  —  that  I  did  the  best 
that  in  me  lay  to  lead  him  to  higher  and  better  ways. 

There  was  a  singular  circumstance.  The  ship  lay 
becalmed  that  entire  fortnight  in  exactly  the  same  spot. 
Then  a  handsome  breeze  came  fanning  over  the  sea, 
and  we  spread  our  white  wings  for  flight.  But  the 
vessel  did  not  budge.  The  sails  bellied  out,  the  gale 
strained  at  the  ropes,  but  the  vessel  moved  not  a  hair's 
breadth  from  her  place.  The  captain  was  surprised. 
It  was  some  hours  before  we  found  out  what  the  cause 
of  the  detention  was.  It  was  barnacles.  They  collect 
31*** 


482  About  all  Kinds  of  Ships 

very  fast  in  that  part  of  the  Pacific.  They  had  fastened 
themselves  to  the  ship's  bottom;  then  others  had 
fastened  themselves  to  the  first  bunch,  others  to  these, 
and  so  on,  down  and  down  and  down,  and  the  last 
bunch  had  glued  the  column  hard  and  fast  to  the 
bottom  of  the  sea,  which  is  five  miles  deep  at  that 
point.  So  the  ship  was  simply  become  the  handle  of  a 
walking  cane  five  miles  long  —  yes,  and  no  more 
movable  by  wind  and  sail  than  a  continent  is.  It  was 
regarded  by  every  one  as  remarkable. 

Well,  the  next  week  —  however,  Sandy  Hook  is  in 
sight. 


PLAYING  COURIER 

STIME  would  come  when  we  must  go  from  Aix- 
les-Bains  to  Geneva,  and  from  thence,  by  a  series 
of  day-long  and  tangled  journeys,  to  Bayreuth  in 
Bavaria.  I  should  have  to  have  a  courier,  of  course,  to 
take  care  of  so  considerable  a  party  as  mine. 

But  I  procrastinated.  The  time  slipped  along,  and 
at  last  I  woke  up  one  day  to  the  fact  that  we  were 
ready  to  move  and  had  no  courier.  I  then  resolved 
upon  what  I  felt  was  a  foolhardy  thing,  but  I  was  in 
the  humor  of  it.  I  said  I  would  make  the  first  stage 
without  help  —  I  did  it. 

I  brought  the  party  from  Aix  to  Geneva  by  myself 
—  four  people.  The  distance  was  two  hours  and  more, 
and  there  was  one  change  of  cars.  There  was  not  an 
accident  of  any  kind,  except  leaving  a  valise  and  some 
other  matters  on  the  platform  —  a  thing  which  can 
hardly  be  called  an  accident,  it  is  so  common.  So  I 
offered  to  conduct  the  party  all  the  way  to  Bayreuth. 

This  was  a  blunder,  though  it  did  not  seem  so  at  the 
time.  There  was  more  detail  than  I  thought  there 
would  be:  I,  two  persons  whom  we  had  left  in  a 
Genevan  pension  some  weeks  before  must  be  collected 
and  brought  to  the  hotel;  2,  I  must  notify  the  people 
on  the  Grand  Quay  who  store  trunks  to  bring  seven  of 
our  stored  trunks  to  the  hotel  and  carry  back  seven 
which  they  would  find  piled  in  the  lobby ;  3 ,  I  must 
find  out  what  part  of  Europe  Bayreuth  was  in  and  bu)J 
seven  railway  tickets  for  that  point ;  4,  I  must  send  a 

BE***  (  4.83  > 


484  Playing  Courier 

telegram  to  a  friend  in  the  Netherlands ;  5 ,  it  was  now 
two  in  the  afternoon,  and  we  must  look  sharp  and  be 
ready  for  the  first  night  train  and  make  sure  of  sleeping- 
car  tickets ;  6,  I  must  draw  money  at  the  bank. 

It  seemed  to  me  that  the  sleeping-car  tickets  must 
be  the  most  important  thing,  so  I  went  to  the  station 
myself  to  make  sure ;  hotel  messengers  are  not  always 
brisk  people.  It  was  a  hot  day  and  I  ought  to  have 
driven,  but  it  seemed  better  economy  to  walk.  It  did 
not  turn  out  so,  because  I  lost  my  way  and  trebled  the 
distance.  I  applied  for  the  tickets,  and  they  asked  me 
which  route  I  wanted  to  go  by,  and  that  embarrassed 
me  and  made  me  lose  my  head,  there  were  so  many 
people  standing  around,  and  I  not  knowing  anything 
about  the  routes  and  not  supposing  there  were  going 
to  be  two ;  so  I  judged  it  best  to  go  back  and  map  out 
the  road  and  come  again. 

I  took  a  cab  this  time,  but  on  my  way  upstairs  at 
the  hotel  I  remembered  that  I  was  out  of  cigars,  so  I 
thought  it  would  be  well  to  get  some  while  the  matter 
was  in  my  mind.  It  was  only  round  the  corner  and  I 
didn't  need  the  cab.  I  asked  the  cabman  to  wait 
where  he  was.  Thinking  of  the  telegram  and  trying  to 
word  it  in  my  head,  I  forgot  the  cigars  and  the  cab, 
and  walked  on  indefinitely.  I  was  going  to  have  the 
hotel  people  send  the  telegram,  but  as  I  could  not  be 
far  from  the  post-office  by  this  time,  I  thought  I  would 
do  it  myself.  But  it  was  further  than  I  had  supposed. 
I  found  the  place  at  last  and  wrote  the  telegram  and 
handed  it  in.  The  clerk  was  a  severe-looking,  fidgety 
man,  and  he  began  to  fire  French  questions  at  me  in 
such  a  liquid  form  that  I  could  not  detect  the  joints 
between  his  words,  and  this  made  me  lose  my  head 
again.  But  an  Englishman  stepped  up  and  said  the 
clerk  wanted  to  know  where  he  was  to  send  the  tele- 
gram, J  could  not  tell  him,  because  it  was  not  my 


Playing  Courier  485 

telegram,  and  I  explained  that  I  was  merely  sending  it 
for  a  member  of  my  party.  But  nothing  would  pacify 
the  clerk  but  the  address ;  so  I  said  that  if  he  was  so 
particular  I  would  go  back  and  get  it. 

However,  I  thought  I  would  go  and  collect  those 
lacking  two  persons  first,  for  it  would  be  best  to  do 
everything  systematically  and  in  order,  and  one  detail 
at  a  time.  Then  I  remembered  the  cab  was  eating  up 
my  substance  down  at  the  hotel  yonder ;  so  I  called 
another  cab  and  told  the  man  to  go  down  and  fetch  it 
to  the  post-office  and  wait  till  I  came. 

I  had  a  long  hot  walk  to  collect  those  people,  and 
when  I  got  there  they  couldn't  come  with  me  because 
they  had  heavy  satchels  and  must  have  a  cab.  I  went 
away  to  find  one,  but  before  I  ran  across  any  I  noticed 
thst  I  had  reached  the  neighborhood  of  the  Grand 
Quay  —  at  least  I  thought  I  had  —  so  I  judged  I  could 
save  time  by  stepping  around  and  arranging  about  the 
trunks.  I  stepped  around  about  a  mile,  and  although 
I  did  not  find  the  Grand  Quay,  I  found  a  cigar  shop, 
and  remembered  about  the  cigars.  I  said  I  was  going 
to  Bayreuth,  and  wanted  enough  for  the  journey.  The 
man  asked  me  which  route  I  was  going  to  take.  I  said 
I  did  not  know.  He  said  he  would  recommend  me  to 
go  by  Zurich  and  various  other  places  which  he  named, 
and  offered  to  sell  me  seven  second-class  through 
tickets  for  $22  apiece,  which  would  be  throwing  off 
the  discount  which  the  railroads  allowed  him.  I  was 
already  tired  of  riding  second-class  on  first-class  tickets, 
so  I  took  him  up. 

By  and  by  I  found  Natural  &  Co.'s  storage  office, 
and  told  them  to  send  seven  of  our  trunks  to  the  hotel 
and  pile  them  up  in  the  lobby.  It  seemed  to  me  that 
I  was  not  delivering  the  whole  of  the  message,  still  it 
was  all  I  could  find  in  my  head. 

Next  I  found  the  bank  and  asked  for  some  money, 


486  Playing  Courier 

but  I  had  left  my  letter  of  credit  somewhere  and  was 
not  able  to  draw.  I  remembered  now  that  I  rnast  have 
xeft  it  lying  on  the  table  where  I  wrote  my  telegram ; 
so  I  got  a  cab  and  drove  to  the  post-office  and  went 
upstairs,  and  they  said  that  a  letter  of  credit  had  indeed 
been  left  on  the  table,  but  that  it  was  now  in  the  hands 
of  the  police  authorities,  and  it  would  be  necessary  for 
me  to  go  there  and  prove  property.  They  sent  a  boy 
with  me,  and  we  went-  out  the  back  way  and  walked  a 
couple  of  miles  and  found  the  place ;  and  then  I  re- 
membered about  my  cabs,  and  asked  the  boy  to  send 
them  to  me  when  he  got  back  to  the  post-office.  It 
was  nightfall  now,  and  the  Mayor  had  gone  to  dinner. 
I  thought  I  would  go  to  dinner  myself,  but  the  officer 
on  duty  thought  differently,  and  I  stayed.  The  Mayor 
dropped  in  at  half-past  ten,  but  said  it  was  too  late  to 
do  anything  to-night  —  come  at  9 : 30  in  the  morning. 
The  officer  wanted  to  keep  me  all  night,  and  said  I  was 
a  suspicious  looking  person,  and  probably  did  not  own 
the  letter  of  credit,  and  didn't  know  what  a  letter  of 
credit  was,  but  merely  saw  the  real  owner  leave  it  lying 
on  the  table,  and  wanted  to  get  it  because  I  was 
probably  a  person  that  would  want  anything  he  could 
get,  whether  it  was  valuable  or  not.  But  the  Mayor 
said  he  saw  nothing  suspicious  about  me,  and  that  I 
seemed  a  harmless  person  and  nothing  the  matter  with 
me  but  a  wandering  mind,  and  not  much  of  that.  So 
I  thanked  him  and  he  set  me  free,  and  I  went  home  in 
my  three  cabs. 

As  I  was  dog-tired  and  in  no  condition  to  answer 
questions  with  discretion,  I  thought  I  would  not  disturb 
the  Expedition  at  that  time  of  night,  as  there  was  a 
vacant  room  I  knew  of  at  the  other  end  of  the  hall; 
but  I  did  not  quite  arrive  there,  as  a  watch  had  been 
set,  the  Expedition  being  anxious  about  me.  I  was 
placed  in  a  galling  situation.  The  Expedition  sat  stiff 


Playing  Courier  487 

and  foroidding  on  four  chairs  in  a  row,  with  shawls  and 
things  all  on,  satchels  and  guide-books  in  lap.  They 
had  been  sitting  like  that  for  four  hours,  and  the  glass 
going  down  all  the  time.  Yes,  and  they  were  waiting 
—  waiting  for  me.  It  seemed  to  me  that  nothing  but 
a  sudden,  happily  contrived,  and  brilliant  tour  de  force 
could  break  this  iron  front  and  make  a  diversion  in  my 
favor;  so  I  shied  my  hat  into  the  arena  and  followed  it 
with  a  skip  and  a  jump,  shouting  blithely: 

"  Ha,  ha,  here  we  all  are,  Mr.  Merryman !" 

Nothing  could  be  deeper  or  stiller  than  the  absence 
of  applause  which  followed.  But  I  kept  on;  there 
seemed  no  other  way,  though  my  confidence,  poor 
enough  before,  had  got  a  deadly  check  and  was  in 
effect  gone. 

I  tried  to  be  jocund  out  of  a  heavy  heart,  I  tried  to 
touch  the  other  hearts  there  and  soften  the  bitter  re- 
sentment in  those  faces  by  throwing  off  bright  and  airy 
fun  and  making  of  the  whole  ghastly  thing  a  joyously 
humorous  incident,  but  this  idea  was  not  well  con- 
ceived. It  was  not  the  right  atmosphere  for  it.  I  got 
not  one  smile;  not  one  line  in  those  offended  faces 
relaxed;  I  thawed  nothing  of  the  winter  that  looked 
out  of  those  frosty  eyes.  I  started  one  more  breezy, 
poor  effort,  but  the  head  of  the  Expedition  cut  into 
the  center  of  it  and  said : 
'  Where  have  you  been?" 

I  saw  by  the  manner  of  this  that  the  idea  was  to  get 
down  to  cold  business  now.  So  I  began  my  travels, 
but  was  cut  short  again. 

"  Where  are  the  two  others?  We  have  been  in 
frightful  anxiety  about  them." 

"  Oh,  they're  all  right.  I  was  to  fetch  a  cab.  I  will 
go  straight  off,  and — " 

'*  Sit  down!  Don't  you  know  it  is  eleven  o'clock? 
Where  did  you  leave  them?" 


488  Playing  Courier 

"  At  the  pension." 

*  Why  didn't  you  bring  them?" 

44  Because  we  couldn't  carry  the  satchels.  And  so 
I  thought—" 

"Thought!  You  should  not  try  to  think.  One 
cannot  think  without  the  proper  machinery.  It  is  two 
miles  to  that  pension.  Did  you  go  there  without  a 
cab?" 

'I  —  well  I  didn't  intend  to ;   it  only  happened  so." 

*  How  did  it  happen  so?" 

*  Because  I  was  at  the  post-office  and  I  remembered 
that  I  had  left  a  cab  waiting  here,  and  so,  to  stop  that 
expense,  I  sent  another  cab  to —  to — " 

'To  what?" 

*  Well,  I  don't  remember  now,  but  I  think  the  new 
cab  was  to  have  the  hotel  pay  the  old  cab,  and  send  it 
away." 

4  What  good  would  that  do?" 

"What  good  would  it  do?  It  would  stop  the  ex- 
pense, wouldn't  it?" 

11  By  putting  the  new  cab  in  its  place  to  continue 
the  expense?" 

I  didn't  say  anything. 

44  Why  didn't  you  have  the  new  cab  come  back  for 
you?" 

II  Oh,  that  is  what  I  did.     I  remember  now.     Yes, 
that  is  what  I  did.    Because  I  recollect  that  when  I  — " 

*  Well,  then,  why  didn't  it  come  back  for  you?" 
4  To  the  post-office?     Why,  it  did." 

4  Very  well,  then,  how  did  you  come  to  walk  to  the 
pension?" 

"  I  —  I  don't  quite  remember  how  that  happened. 
Oh,  yes,  I  do  remember  now.  I  wrote  the  dispatch  to 
send  to  the  Netherlands,  and — " 

"  Oh,  thank  goodness,  you  did  accomplish  some- 
thing! I  wouldn't  have  had  you  fail  to  send  —  what 


Playing  Courier  489 

makes  you  look  like  that !  You  are  trying  to  avoid 
my  eye.  That  dispatch  is  the  most  important  thing 
that  —  You  haven't  sent  that  dispatch  ! ' ' 

"  I  haven't  said  I  didn't  send  it." 

44  You  don't  need  to.  Oh,  dear,  I  wouldn't  have 
had  that  telegram  fail  for  anything.  Why  didn't  you 
send  it?" 

'*  Well,  you  see,  with  so  many  things  to  do  and 
think  of,  I  —  they're  very  particular  there,  and  after  I 
had  written  .the  telegram  — ' ' 

"  Oh,  never  mind,  let  it  go,  explanations  can't  help 
the  matter  now  —  what  will  he  think  of  us?" 

"  Oh,  that's  all  right,  that's  all  right,  he'll  think 
we  gave  the  telegram  to  the  hotel  people,  and  that 
they—" 

"  Why,  certainly  !  Why  didn't  you  do  that?  There 
was  no  other  rational  way." 

1  Yes,  I  know,  but  then  I  had  it  on  my  mind  that  I 
must  be  sure  and  get  to  the  bank  and  draw  some 
money  — " 

'  Well,  you  are  entitled  to  some  credit,  after  all,  for 
thinking  of  that,  and  I  don't  wish  to  be  too  hard  on 
you,  though  you  must  acknowledge  yourself  that  you 
have  cost  us  all  a  good  deal  of  trouble,  and  some  of  it 
not  necessary.  How  much  did  you  draw?" 

44  Well,  I  —  I  had  an  idea  that  —  that—" 
4  That  what?" 

44  That  —  well,  it  seems  to  me  that  in  the  circum- 
stances —  so  many  of  us,  you  know,  and  —  and  — " 

44  What  are  you  mooning  about?  Do  turn  your  face 
this  way  and  let  me  —  why,  you  haven't  drawn  any 
money!" 

4  Well,  the  banker  said  — " 

"  Never  mind  what  the  banker  said.  You  must 
have  had  a  reason  of  your  own.  Not  a  reason,  exactly, 
but  something  which  — ' ' 


490  Playing  Courier 

"  Well,  then,  the  simple  fact  was  that  I  hadn't  my 
letter  of  credit." 

"  Hadn't  your  letter  of  credit?" 

44  Hadn't  my  letter  of  credit." 

"  Don't  repeat  me  like  that.     Where  was  it?" 

"  At  the  post-office." 

44  What  was  it  doing  there?" 

44  Well,  I  forgot  it  and  left  it  there." 

14  Upon  my  word,  I've  seen  a  good  many  couriers, 
but  of  all  the  couriers  that  ever  I  — " 

14  I've  done  the  best  I  could. " 

"  Well,  so  you  have,  poor  thing,  and  I'm  wrong  to 
abuse  you  so  when  you've  been  working  yourself  to 
death  while  we've  been  sitting  here  only  thinking  of 
our  vexations  instead  of  feeling  grateful  for  what  you 
were  trying  to  do  for  us.  It  will  all  come  out  right. 
We  can  take  the  7.30  train  in  the  morning  just  as  well. 
You've  bought  the  tickets?" 

*4  I  have  —  and  it's  a  bargain,  too.     Second  class/' 

44  I'm  glad  of  it.  Everybody  else  travels  second 
class,  and  we  might  just  as  well  save  that  ruinous  extra 
charge.  What  did  you  pay?" 

44  Twenty- two  dollars  apiece — through  to  Bayreuth." 

44  Why,  I  didn't  know  you  could  buy  through  tickets 
anywhere  but  in  London  and  Paris." 

44  Some  people  can't,  maybe;  but  some  people  can 
— -  of  whom  I  am  one  of  which,  it  appears." 

44  It  seems  a  rather  high  price." 

44  On  the  contrary,  the  dealer  knocked  off  his  com- 
mission." 

44  Dealer?" 

44  Yes  —  I  bought  them  at  a  cigar  shop." 

44  That  reminds  me.  We  shall  have  to  get  up  pretty 
?arly,  and  so  there  should  be  no  packing  to  do.  Your 
umbrejla,  your  rubbers,  your  cigars  —  what  is  the 
matter?" 


Playing  Courier  491 

'*  Hang  it,  I've  left  the  cigars  at  the  bank." 
"  Just  think  of  it !     Well,  your  umbrella?" 
"  I'll  have  that  all  right.     There's  no  hurry." 

*  What  do  you  mean  by  that?" 

44  Oh,  that's  all  right;   I'll  take  care  of — " 
44  Where  is  that  umbrella?" 

44  It's  just  the  merest  step  —  it  won't  take  me  — " 
"  Where  is  it?" 

1  Well,  I  think  I  left  it  at  the  cigar  shop;   but  any- 
way — " 

'  Take  your  feet  out  from  under  that  thing.     It's 
just  as  I  expected  !     Where  are  your  rubbers?" 
41  They  — well— " 

*  Where  are  your  rubbers?" 

14  It's  got  so  dry  now  —  well,  everybody  says  there's 
not  going  to  be  another  drop  of — " 
4  Where  —  are  —  your  —  rubbers  ?" 

*  Well,  you  see  —  well,  it  was  this  way.     First,  the 
officer  said  — " 

'What  officer?" 

4  Police  officer;   but  the  Mayor,  he 
4  What  Mayor?" 

'  Mayor  of  Geneva;  but  I  said  — " 
44  Wait.     What  is  the  matter  with  you?" 
4  Who,  me?    Nothing.    They  both  tried  to  persuade 
me  to  stay,  and — " 
44  Stay  where?" 
4  Well  —  the  fact  is  — " 

4  Where  have  you  been?     What's  kept  you  out  till 
half-past  ten  at  night?" 

14  Oh,  you  see,  after  I  lost  my  letter  of  credit,  I  — " 
4  You   are  beating  around  the   bush  a  good   deal. 
Now,  answer  the  question  in  just  one  straightforward 
word.     Where  are  those  rubbers?" 

44  They  —  well;   they're  in  the  county  jail." 

I   started   a  placating  smile,  but  it  petrified.     The 


492  Playing  Courier 

climate  was  unsuitable.  Spending  three  or  four  hours 
in  jail  did  not  seem  to  the  Expedition  humorous. 
Neither  did  it  to  me,  at  bottom. 

I  had  to  explain  the  whole  thing,  and,  of  course,  it 
came  out  then  that  we  couldn't  take  the  early  train, 
because  that  would  leave  my  letter  of  credit  in  hock 
still.  It  did  look  as  if  we  had  all  got  to  go  to  bed 
estranged  and  unhappy,  but  by  good  luck  that  was 
prevented.  There  happened  to  be  mention  of  the 
trunks,  and  I  was  able  to  say  I  had  attended  to  that 
feature. 

"  There,  you  are  just  as  good  and  thoughtful  and 
painstaking  and  intelligent  as  you  can  be,  and  it's  a 
shame  to  find  so  much  fault  with  you,  and  there  sha'n't 
be  another  word  of  it.  You've  done  beautifully,  ad- 
mirably, and  I'm  sorry  I  ever  said  one  ungrateful  word 
to  you." 

This  hit  deeper  than  some  of  the  other  things  and 
made  me  uncomfortable,  because  I  wasn't  feeling  as 
solid  about  that  trunk  errand  as  I  wanted  to.  There 
seemed  somehow  to  be  a  defect  about  it  somewhere, 
though  I  couldn't  put  my  finger  on  it,  and  didn't  like 
to  stir  the  matter  just  now,  it  being  late  and  maybe  well 
enough  to  let  well  enough  alone. 

Of  course  there  was  music  in  the  morning,  when  it 
was  found  that  we  couldn't  leave  by  the  early  train. 
But  I  had  no  time  to  wait ;  I  got  only  the  opening  bars 
of  the  overture,  and  then  started  out  to  get  my  letter 
of  credit. 

It  seemed  a  good  time  to  look  into  the  trunk  business 
and  rectify  it  if  it  needed  it,  and  I  had  a  suspicion  that 
it  did.  I  was  too  late.  The  concierge  said  he  had 
shipped  the  trunks  to  Zurich  the  evening  before.  I 
asked  him  how  he  could  do  that  without  exhibiting 
passage  tickets. 

"  Not  necessary  in  Switzerland.     You  pay  for  your 


Playing  Courier  493 

trunks  and  send  them  where  you  please.  Nothing  goes 
free  but  your  hand  baggage." 

44  How  much  did  you  pay  on  them?" 

44  A  hundred  and  forty  francs." 

44  Twenty-eight  dollars.  There's  something  wrong 
about  that  trunk  business,  sure." 

Next  I  met  the  porter.     He  said : 

"  You  have  not  slept  well,  is  it  not.  You  have  the 
worn  look.  If  you  would  like  a  courier,  a  good  one 
has  arrived  last  night,  and  is  not  engaged  for  five  days 
already,  by  the  name  of  Ludi.  We  recommend  him ; 
das  heisst,  the  Grand  Hotel  Beau  Rivage  recommends 
him." 

I  declined  with  coldness.  My  spirit  was  not  broken 
yet.  And  I  did  not  like  having  my  condition  taken 
notice  of  in  this  way.  I  was  at  the  county  jail  by  nine 
o'clock,  hoping  that  the  Mayor  might  chance  to  come 
before  his  regular  hour;  but  he  didn't.  It  was  dull 
there.  Every  time  I  offered  to  touch  anything,  or 
look  at  anything,  or  do' any  thing,  or  refrain  from  doing 
anything,  the  policeman  said  it  was  4I  defendu."  I 
thought  I  would  practice  my  French  on  him,  but  he 
wouldn't  have  that  either.  It  seemed  to  make  him 
particularly  bitter  to  hear  his  own  tongue. 

The  Mayor  came  at  last,  and  then  there  was  no 
trouble ;  for  the  minute  he  had  convened  the  Supreme 
Court  —  they  always  do  whenever  there  is  valuable 
property  in  dispute  —  and  got  everything  shipshape 
and  sentries  posted,  and  had  prayer  by  the  chaplain; 
my  unsealed  letter  was  brought  and  opened,  and  there 
wasn't  anything  in  it  but  some  photographs;  because, 
as  I  remembered  now,  I  had  taken  out  the  letter  of 
credit  so  as  to  make  room  for  the  photographs,  and 
had  put  the  letter  in  my  other  pocket,  which  I  proved 
to  everybody's  satisfaction  by  fetching  it  out  and  show- 
;ng  it  with  a  good  deal  of  exultation.  So  then  the 

32A 


494  Playing  Courier 

court  looked  at  each  other  in  a  vacant  kind  of  way, 
and  then  at  me,  and  then  at  each  other  again,  and 
finally  let  me  go,  but  said  it  was  imprudent  for  me  to 
be  at  large,  and  asked  me  what  my  profession  was.  I 
said  I  was  a  courier.  They  lifted  up  their  eyes  in  a 
kind  of  reverent  way  and  said,  "  Du  lieber  Gott !"  and 
I  said  a  word  of  courteous  thanks  for  their  apparent 
admiration,  and  hurried  off  to  the  bank. 

However,  being  a  courier  was  already  making  me  a 
great  stickler  for  order  and  -system  and  one  thing  at 
a  time  and  each  thing  in  its  own  proper  turn;  so  I 
passed  by  the  bank  and  branched  off  and  started  for 
the  two  lacking  members  of  the  Expedition.  A  cab 
lazied  by,  and  I  took  it  upon  persuasion.  I  gained  no 
speed  by  this,  but  it  was  a  reposeful  turnout  and  I  liked 
reposefulness.  The  week-long  jubilations  over  the  six 
hundredth  anniversary  of  the  birth  of  Swiss  liberty  and 
the  Signing  of  the  Compact  was  at  flood  tide,  and  all 
the  streets  were  clothed  in  fluttering  flags. 

The  horse  and  the  driver  had  been  drunk  three  days 
and  nights,  and  had  known  no 'stall  nor  bed  meantime. 
They  looked  as  I  felt  —  dreamy  and  seedy.  But  we 
arrived  in  course  of  time.  I  went  in  and  rang,  and 
asked  a  housemaid  to  rush  out  the  lacking  members. 
She  said  something  which  I  did  not  understand,  and  I 
returned  to  the  chariot.  The  girl  had  probably  told 
me  that  those  people  did  not  belong  on  her  floor,  and 
that  it  would  be  judicious  for  me  to  go  higher,  and  ring 
from  floor  to  floor  till  I  found  them;  for  in  those 
Swiss  flats  there  does  not  seem  to  be  any  way  to  find 
the  right  family  but  to  be  patient  and  guess  your  way 
along  up.  I  calculated  that  I  must  wait  fifteen  min- 
utes, there  being  three  details  inseparable  from  an 
occasion  of  this  sort :  I ,  put  on  hats  and  come  down 
and  climb  in;  2,  return  of  one  to  get  "  my  other 
glove;"  3,  presently,  return  of  the  other  one  to  fetch 


Playing  Courier  495 

"  my  French  Verbs  at  a  Glance  "     I  would  muse  dur 
ing  the  fifteen  minutes  and  take  it  easy. 

A  very  still  and  blank  interval  ensued,  and  then  I 
felt  a  hand  on  my  shoulder  and  started.  The  intruder 
was  a  policeman.  I  glanced  up  and  perceived  that 
there  was  new  scenery.  There  was  a  good  deal  of  a 
crowd,  and  they  had  that  pleased  and  interested  look 
which  such  a  crowd  wears  when  they  see  that  some- 
body is  out  of  luck.  The  horse  was  asleep,  and  so 
was  the  driver,  and  some  boys  had  hung  them  and  me 
full  of  gaudy  decorations  stolen  from  the  innumerable 
banner  poles.  It  was  a  scandalous  spectacle.  The 
officer  said : 

"I'm  sorry,  but  we  can't  have  you  sleeping  here  all 
day.-' 

I  was  wounded  and  said  with  dignity : 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  I  was  not  sleeping;  I  was 
thinking." 

'  Well,  you  can  think  if  you  want  to,  but  you've 
got  to  think  to  yourself;  you  disturb  the  whole  neigh- 
borhood." 

It  was  a  poor  joke,  and  it  made  the  crowd  laugh.  I 
snore  at  night  sometimes,  but  it  is  not  likely  that  I 
would  do  such  a  thing  in  the  daytime  and  in  such  a 
place.  The  officer  undecorated  us,  and  seemed  sorry 
for  our  friendlessness,  and  really  tried  to  be  humane, 
but  he  said  we  mustn't  stop  there  any  longer  or  he 
would  have  to  charge  us  rent  —  it  was  the  law,  he  said, 
and  he  went  on  to  say  in  a  sociable  way  that  I  was 
looking  pretty  mouldy,  and  he  wished  he  knew  — 

I  shut  him  off  pretty  austerely,  and  said  I  hoped  one 
might  celebrate  a  little  these  days,  especially  when  one 
was  personally  concerned. 

'Personally?"   he  asked.     How?" 

"  Because  600  years  ago  an  ancestor  of  mine  signed 
the  compact." 


496  Playing  Courier 

He  reflected  a  moment,  then  looked  me  over  and 
said: 

14  Ancestor!  It's  my  opinion  you  signed  it  your- 
self. For  of  all  the  old  ancient  relics  that  ever  I  —  but 
never  mind  about  that.  What  is  it  you  are  waiting 
here  for  so  long?" 

I  said : 

"  I'm  not  waiting  here  so  long  at  all.  I'm  waiting 
fifteen  minutes  till  they  forget  a  glove  and  a  book  and 
go  back  and  get  them."  Then  I  told  him  who  they 
were  that  I  had  come  for. 

He  was  very  obliging,  and  began  to  shout  inquiries 
to  the  tiers  of  heads  and  shoulders  projecting  from  the 
windows  above  us.  Then  a  woman  away  up  there  sang 
out: 

"  Oh,  they?  Why  I  got  them  a  cab  and  they  left 
here  long  ago  —  half-past  eight,  I  should  say." 

It  was  annoying.  I  glanced  at  my  watch,  but  didn't 
say  anything.  The  officer  said  : 

"  It  is  a  quarter  of  twelve,  you  see.  You  should 
have  inquired  better.  You  have  been  asleep  three- 
quarters  of  an  hour,  and  in  such  a  sun  as  this.  You 
are  baked  —  baked  black.  It  is  wonderful.  And  you 
will  miss  your  train,  perhaps.  You  interest  me  greatly. 
What  is  your  occupation?" 

I  said  I  was  a  courier.  It  seemed  to  stun  him,  and 
before  he  could  come  to  we  were  gone. 

When  I  arrived  in  the  third  story  of  the  hotel  I  found 
our  quarters  vacant.  I  was  not  surprised.  The  mo- 
ment a  courier  takes  his  eye  off  his  tribe  they  go  shop- 
ping. The  nearer  it  is  to  train  time  the  surer  they  are 
to  go.  I  sat  down  to  try  and  think  out  what  I  had 
best  do  next,  but  presently  the  hall  boy  found  me 
there,  and  said  the  Expedition  had  gone  to  the  station 
half  an  hour  before.  It  was  the  first  time  I  had  known 
them  to  do  a  rational  thing,  and  it  was  very  confusing. 


Playing  Courier  497 

This  is  one  of  the  things  that  make  a  courier's  life  so 
difficult  and  uncertain.  Just  as  matters  are  going  the 
smoothest,  his  people  will  strike  a  lucid  interval,  and 
down  go  all  his  arrangements  to  wreck  and  ruin. 

The  train  was  to  leave  at  twelve  noon  sharp.  It 
was  now  ten  minutes  after  twelve.  I  could  be  at  the 
station  in  ten  minutes.  I  saw  I  had  no  great  amount 
of  leeway,  for  this  was  the  lightning  express,  and  on 
the  Continent  the  lightning  expresses  are  pretty  fastidi- 
ous about  getting  away  some  time  during  the  advertised 
day.  My  people  were  the  only  ones  remaining  in  the 
waiting-room ;  everybody  else  had  passed  through  and 
11  mounted  the  train,"  as  they  say  in  those  regions. 
They  were  exhausted  with  nervousness  and  fret,  but  I 
comforted  them  and  heartened  them  up,  and  we  made 
our  rush. 

But  no;  we  were  out  of  luck  again.  The  door- 
keeper was  not  satisfied  with  the  tickets.  He  examined 
them  cautiously,  deliberately,  suspiciously ;  then  glared 
at  me  a  while,  and  after  that  he  called  another  official. 
The  two  examined  the  tickets  and  called  another  offi- 
cial. These  called  others,  and  the  convention  discussed 
and  discussed,  and  gesticulated  and  carried  on,  until  I 
begged  that  they  would  consider  how  time  was  flying, 
and  just  pass  a  few  resolutions  and  let  us  go.  Then 
they  said  very  courteously  that  there  was  a  defect  in 
the  tickets,  and  asked  me  where  I  got  them. 

I  judged  I  saw  what  the  trouble  was  now.  You  see, 
I  had  bought  the  tickets  in  a  cigar  shop,  and,  of 
course,  the  tobacco  smell  was  on  them ;  without  doubt, 
the  thing  they  were  up  to  was  to  work  the  tickets 
through  the  Custom  House  and  to  collect  duty  on  that 
smell.  So  I  resolved  to  be  perfectly  frank;  it  is  some- 
times the  best  way.  I  said : 

"  Gentlemen,  I  will  not  deceive  you.     These  railway 
tickets—" 
32*** 


498  Playing  Courier 

"Ah,  pardon,  monsieur!  These  are  not  railway 
tickets." 

"  Oh,"  I  said,  "  is  that  the  defect?" 

41  Ah,  truly  yes,  monsieur.  These  are  lottery  tickets, 
yes ;  and  it,  is  a  lottery  which  has  been  drawn  two  years 
ago." 

I  affected  to  be  greatly  amused ;  it  is  all  one  can  do 
in  such  circumstances ;  it  is  all  one  can  do,  and  yet 
there  is  no  value  in  it;  it  deceives  nobody,  and  you 
can  see  that  everybody  around  pities  you  and  is 
ashamed  of  you.  One  of  the  hardest  situations  in  life, 
I  think,  is  to  be  full  of  grief  and  a  sense  of  defeat  and 
shabbiness  that  way,  and  yet  have  to  put  on  an  outside 
of  archness  and  gayety,  while  all  the  time  you  know 
that  your  own  Expedition,  the  treasures  of  your  heart, 
and  whose  love  and  reverence  you  are  by  the  custom 
of  our  civilization  entitled  to,  are  being  consumed  with 
humiliation  before  strangers  to  see  you  earning  and 
getting  a  compassion  which  is  a  stigma,  a  brand  —  a 
brand  which  certifies  you  to  be  —  oh,  anything  and 
everything  which  is  fatal  to  human  respect. 

I  said,  cheerily,  it  was  all  right,  just  one  of  those 
little  accidents  that  was  likely  to  happen  to  anybody  — 
I  would  have  the  right  tickets  in  two  minutes,  and  we 
would  catch  the  train  yet,  and,  moreover,  have  some- 
thing to  laugh  about  all  through  the  journey.  I  did 
get  the  tickets  in  time,  all  stamped  and  complete,  but 
then  it  turned  out  that  I  couldn't  take  them,  because 
in  taking  so  much  pains  about  the  two  missing  mem- 
bers, I  had  skipped  the  bank  and  hadn't  the  money. 
So  then  the  train  left,  and  there  didn't  seem  to  be  any- 
thing to  do  but  go  back  to  the  hotel,  which  we  did ; 
but  it  was  kind  of  melancholy  and  not  much  said.  I 
tried  to  start  a  few  subjects,  like  scenery  and  transub- 
stantiation,  and  those  sorts  of  things,  but  they  didn't 
seem  to  hit  the  weather  right. 


Playing  Courier  499 

We  had  lost  our  good  rooms,  but  we  got  some 
others  which  were  pretty  scattering,  but  would  answer. 
I  judged  things  would  brighten  now,  but  the  Head  of 
the  Expedition  said,  "  Send  up  the  trunks."  It  made 
me  feel  pretty  cold.  There  was  a  doubtful  something 
about  that  trunk  business.  I  was  almost  sure  of  it,  I 
was  going  to  suggest  — 

But  a  wave  of  the  hand  sufficiently  restrained  me, 
and  I  was  informed  that  we  would  now  camp  for  three 
days  and  see  if  we  could  rest  up. 

I   said    all    right,  never   mind   ringing;   I  would   go 
down  and   attend   to  the  trunks  myself.     I  got  a  cab 
and  went  straight  to  Mr.  Charles  Natural's  place,  and 
asked  what  order  it  was  I  had  left  there. 
1  To  send  seven  trunks  to  the  hotel." 

"  And  were  you  to  bring  any  back?" 

"No." 

1  You  are  sure  I  didn't  tell  you  to  bring  back  seven 
that  would  be  found  piled  in  the  lobby?" 

"  Absolutely  sure  you  didn't." 
'  Then  the  whole  fourteen  are  gone  to  Zurich  or 
Jericho  or  somewhere,  and   there  is  going  to  be  more 
debris  around  that  hotel  when  the  Expedition  — " 

I  didn't  finish,  because  my  mind  was  getting  to  be  in 
a  good  deal  of  a  whirl,  and  when  you  are  that  way  you 
think  you  have  finished  a  sentence  when  you  haven't, 
and  you  go  mooning  and  dreaming  away,  and  the  first 
thing  you  know  you  get  run  over  by  a  dray  or  a  cow  or 
something. 

I  left  the  cab  there  —  I  forgot  it  —  and  on  my  way- 
back  I  thought  it  all  out  and  concluded  to  resign,  be- 
cause otherwise  I  should  be  nearly  sure  to  be  dis- 
charged. But  I  didn't  believe  it  would  be  a  good  idea 
to  resign  in  person ;  I  could  do  it  by  message.  So  I 
sent  for  Mr.  Ludi  and  explained  that  there  was  a 
courier  going  to  resign  on  account  of  incompatibility 
FF*** 


500  Playing  Courier 

or  fatigue  or  something,  and  as  he  had  four  or  five 
vacant  days,  I  would  like  to  insert  him  into  that 
vacancy  if  he  thought  he  could  fill  it.  When  every- 
thing was  arranged  I  got  him  to  go  up  and  say  to  the 
Expedition  that,  owing  to  an  error  made  by  Mr. 
Natural's  people,  we  were  out  of  trunks  here,  but 
would  have  plenty  in  Zurich,  and  we'd  better  take  the 
first  train,  freight,  gravel,  or  construction,  and  :nove 
right  along. 

He  attended  to  that  and  came  down  with  an  invita- 
tion for  me  to  go  up  —  yes,  certainly;  and,  while  we 
walked  along  over  to  the  bank  to  get  money,  and  col- 
lect my  cigars  and  tobacco,  and  to  the  cigar  shop  to 
trade  back  the  lottery  tickets  and  get  my  umbrella,  and 
to  Mr.  Natural's  to  pay  that  cab  and  send  it  away,  and 
to  the  county  jail  to  get  my  rubbers  and  leave  p.  p.  c. 
cards  for  the  Mayor  and  Supreme  Court,  he  described 
the  weather  to  me  that  was  prevailing  on  the  upper 
"oveis  there  with  the  Expedition,  and  I  saw  that  I  was 
doing  very  well  where  I  was. 

1  stayed  out  in  the  woods  till  four  P.  M.,  to  let  the 
weather  moderate,  and  then  turned  up  at  the  station 
just  in  time  to  take  the  three  o'clock  express  for  Zurich 
oicng  with  the  Expedition,  now  in  the  hands  of  Ludi, 
who  conducted  its  complex  affairs  with  little  apparent 
effort  or  inconvenience. 

Well,  I  had  worked  like  a  slave  while  I  was  in  office, 
and  done  the  very  best  I  knew  how ;  yet  all  that  these 
people  dwelt  upon  or  seemed  to  care  to  remember  was 
the  defects  of  my  administration,  not  its  creditable 
features.  They  would  skip  over  a  thousand  creditable 
features  to  remark  upon  and  reiterate  and  fuss  about 
just  one  fact,  till  it  seemed  to  me  they  would  wear  it 
out;  and  not  much  of  a  fact,  either,  taken  by  itself  — 
the  fact  that  I  elected  myself  courier  in  Geneva,  and 
put  in  work  enough  to  carry  a  circus  to  Jerusalem,  and 


Playing  Courier  501 

yet  never  even  got  my  gang  out  of  the  town.  I  finally 
said  I  didn't  wish  to  hear  any  more  about  the  subject, 
it  made  me  tired.  And  I  told  them  to  their  faces  that 
I  would  never  be  a  courier  again  to  save  anybody's 
life.  And  if  I  live  long  enough  I'll  prove  it.  I  think 
it's  a  difficult,  brain-racking,  overworked,  and  thor- 
oughly ungrateful  office,  and  the  main  bulk  of  its 
wages  is  a  sore  heart  and  a  bruised  spirit. 


THE  GERMAN  CHICAGO 

I  FEEL  lost  in  Berlin.  It  has  no  resemblance  to  the 
city  I  had  supposed  it  was.  There  was  once  a 
Berlin  which  I  would  have  known,  from  descriptions  in 
books  —  the  Berlin  of  the  last  century  and  the  begin- 
ning of  the  present  one:  a  dingy  city  in  a  marsh,  with 
rough  streets,  muddy  and  lantern-lighted,  dividing 
straight  rows  of  ugly  houses  all  alike,  compacted  into 
blocks  as  square  and  plain  and  uniform  and  monotonous 
and  serious  as  so  many  dry-goods  boxes.  But  that 
Berlin  has  disappeared.  It  seems  to  have  disappeared 
totally,  and  left  no  sign.  The  bulk  of  the  Berlin  of 
to-day  has  about  it  no  suggestion  of  a  former  period. 
The  site  it  stands  on  has  traditions  and  a  history,  but 
the  city  itself  has  no  traditions  and  no  history.  It  is  a 
new  city;  the  newest  I  have  ever  seen.  Chicago  would 
seem  venerable  beside  it;  for  there  are  many  old- 
looking  districts  in  Chicago,  but  not  many  in  Berlin. 
The  main  mass  of  the  city  looks  as  if  it  had  been  built 
last  week,  the  rest  of  it  has  a  just  perceptibly  graver 
tone,  and  looks  as  if  it  might  be  six  or  even  eight 
months  old. 

The  next  feature  that  strikes  one  is  the  spaciousness, 
the  roominess  of  the  city.  There  is  no  other  city,  in 
any  country,  whose  streets  are  so  generally  wide. 
Berlin  is  not  merely  a  city  of  wide  streets,  it  is  the  city 
of  wide  streets.  As  a  wide-street  city  it  has  never  had 
its  equal,  in  any  age  of  the  world.  "  Unter  den 

(502) 


The  German  Chicago  503 

Linden  ' '  is  three  streets  in  one ;  the  Potsdamerstrasse 
is  bordered  on  both  sides  by  sidewalks  which  are  them- 
selves wider  than  some  of  the  historic  thoroughfares  of 
the  old  European  capitals ;  there  seem  to  be  no  lanes 
or  alleys;  there  are  no  short  cuts;  here  and  there, 
where  several  important  streets  empty  into  a  common 
center,  that  center's  circumference  is  of  a  magnitude 
calculated  to  bring  that  word  spaciousness  into  your 
mind  again.  The  park  in  the  middle  of  the  city  is  so 
huge  that  it  calls  up  that  expression  once  more. 

The  next  feature  that  strikes  one  is  the  straightness 
of  the  streets.  The  short  ones  haven't  so  much  as  a 
waver  in  them ;  the  long  ones  stretch  out  to  prodigious 
distances  and  then  tilt  a  little  to  the  right  or  left,  then 
stretch  out  on  another  immense  reach  as  straight  as  a 
ray  of  light.  A  result  of  this  arrangement  is,  that  at 
night  Berlin  is  an  inspiring  sight  to  see.  Gas  and  the 
electric  light  are  employed  with  a  wasteful  liberality, 
and  so,  wherever  one  goes,  he  has  always  double  ranks 
of  brilliant  lights  stretching  far  down  into  the  night  on 
every  hand,  with  here  and  there  a  wide  and  splendid 
constellation  of  them  spread  out  over  an  intervening 
' '  Platz  ' ' ;  and  between  the  interminable  double  pro- 
cession of  street  lamps  one  has  the  swarming  and  dart- 
ing cab  lamps,  a  lively  and  pretty  addition  to  the  fine 
spectacle,  for  they  counterfeit  the  rush  and  confusion 
and  sparkle  of  an  invasion  of  fire-flies. 

There  is  one  other  noticeable  feature  —  the  absolutely 
level  surface  of  the  site  of  Berlin.  Berlin  —  to  recapitu- 
late—  is  newer  to  the  eye  than  is  any  other  city,  and 
also  blonder  of  complexion  and  tidier;  no  other  city 
has  such  an  air  of  roominess,  freedom  from  crowding; 
no  other  city  has  so  many  straight  streets;  and  with 
Chicago  it  contests  the  chromo  for  flatness  of  surface 
and  for  phenomenal  swiftness  of  growth.  Berlin  is  the 
European  Chicago.  The  two  cities  have  about  the 


504  The  German  Chicago 

same  population  —  say  a  million  and  a  half.  I  cannot 
speak  in  exact  terms,  because  I  only  know  what 
Chicago's  population  was  week  before  last;  but  at 
that  time  it  was  about  a  million  and  a  half.  Fifteen 
years  ago  Berlin  and  Chicago  were  large  cities,  of 
course,  but  neither  of  them  was  the  giant  it  now  is. 

But  now  the  parallels  fail.  Only  parts  of  Chicago 
are  stately  and  beautiful,  whereas  all  of  Berlin  is  stately 
and  substantial,  and  it  is  not  merely  in  parts  but  uni- 
formly beautiful.  There  are  buildings  in  Chicago  that 
are  architecturally  finer  than  any  in  Berlin,  I  think,  but 
what  I  have  just  said  above  is  still  true.  These  two 
flat  cities  would  lead  the  world  for  phenomenal  good 
health  if  London  were  out  of  the  way.  As  it  is,  Lon- 
don leads  by  a  point  or  two.  Berlin's  death  rate  is 
only  nineteen  in  the  thousand.  Fourteen  years  ago  the 
rate  was  a  third  higher. 

Berlin  is  a  surprise  in  a  great  many  ways  —  in  a 
multitude  of  ways,  to  speak  strongly  and  be  exact.  It 
seems  to  be  the  most  governed  city  in  the  world,  but 
one  must  admit  that  it  also  seems  to  be  the  best 
governed.  Method  and  system  are  observable  on  every 
hand  —  in  great  things,  in  little  things,  in  all  details, 
of  whatsoever  size.  And  it  is  not  method  and  system 
on  paper,  and  there  an  end  —  it  is  method  and  system 
in  practice.  It  has  a  rule  for  everything,  and  puts  the 
rule  in  force ;  puts  it  in  force  against  the  poor  and 
powerful  alike,  without  favor  or  prejudice.  It  deals 
with  great  matters  and  minute  particulars  with  equal 
faithfulness,  and  with  a  plodding  and  painstaking  dili- 
gence and  persistency  which  compel  admiration  —  and 
sometimes  regret.  There  are  several  taxes,  and  they 
are  collected  quarterly.  Collected  is  the  word ;  they 
are  not  merely  levied,  they  are  collected  —  every  time. 
This  makes  light  taxes.  It  is  in  cities  and  countries 
where  a  considerable  part  of  the  community  shirk  pay- 


The  German  Chicago  505 

ment  that  taxes  have  to  be  lifted  to  a  burdensome 
rate.  Here  the  police  keep  coming,  calmly  and 
patiently,  until  you  pay  your  tax.  They  charge  you 
five  or  ten  cents  per  visit  after  the  first  call.  By  ex- 
periment you  will  find  that  they  will  presently  collect 
that  money. 

In  one  respect  the  million  and  a  half  of  Berlin's 
population  are  like  a  family:  the  head  of  this  large 
family  knows  the  names  of  its  several  members,  and 
where  the  said  members  are  located,  and  when  and 
where  they  were  born,  and  what  they  do  for  a  living, 
and  what  their  religious  brand  is.  Whoever  comes  to 
Berlin  must  furnish  these  particulars  to  the  police  im- 
mediately; moreover,  if  he  knows  how  long  he  is 
going  to  stay,  he  must  say  so.  If  he  take  a  house  he 
will  be  taxed  on  the  rent  and  taxed  also  on  his  income. 
He  will  not  be  asked  what  his  income  is,  and  so  he 
may  save  some  lies  for  home  consumption.  The 
police  will  estimate  his  income  from  the  house-rent  he 
pays,  and  tax  him  on  that  basis. 

Duties  on  imported  articles  are  collected  with 
inflexible  fidelity,  be  the  sum  large  or  little ;  but  the 
methods  are  gentle,  prompt,  and  full  of  the  spirit  of 
accommodation.  The  postman  attends  to  the  whole 
matter  for  you,  in  cases  where  the  article  comes  by 
mail,  and  you  have  no  trouble  and  suffer  no  inconveni- 
ence. The  other  day  a  friend  of  mine  was  informed 
that  there  was  a  package  in  the  post-office  for  him, 
containing  a  lady's  silk  belt  with  gold  clasp,  and  a 
gold  chain  to  hang  a  bunch  of  keys  on.  In  his  first 
agitation  he  was  going  to  try  to  bribe  the  postman  to 
chalk  it  through,  but  acted  upon  his  sober  second 
thought  and  allowed  the  matter  to  take  its  proper  and 
regular  course.  In  a  little  while  the  postman  brought 
the  package  and  made  these  several  collections :  duty 
on  the  silk  belt,  7j4  cents;  duty  on  the  gold  chain,  10 


4  506  The  German  Chicago 

cents;  charge  for  fetching  the  package,  5  cents.  These 
devastating  imposts  are  exacted  for  the  protection  of 
German  home  industries. 

The  calm,  quiet,  courteous,  cussed  persistence  of 
the  police  is  the  most  admirable  thing  I  have  en- 
countered on  this  side.  They  undertook  to  persuade 
me  to  send  and  get  a  passport  for  a  Swiss  maid  whom 
we  had  brought  with  us,  and  at  the  end  of  six  weeks  of 
patient,  tranquil,  angelic  daily  effort  they  succeeded. 
I  was  not  intending  to  give  them  trouble,  but  I  was 
lazy  and  I  thought  they  would  get  tired.  Meanwhile 
they  probably  thought  I  would  be  the  one.  It  turned 
out  just  so.  t 

One  is  not  allowed  to  build  unstable,  unsafe,  or  un- 
sightly houses  in  Berlin ;  the  result  is  this  comely  and 
conspicuously  stately  city,  with  its  security  from  con- 
flagrations and  breakdowns.  It  is  built  of  architectural 
Gibraltars.  The  building  commissioners  inspect  while 
the  building  is  going  up.  It  has  been  found  that  this 
is  better  than  to  wait  till  it  falls  down.  These  people 
are  full  of  whims. 

One  is  not  allowed  to  cram  poor  folk  into  cramped 
and  dirty  tenement  houses.  Each  individual  must  have 
just  so  many  cubic  feet  of  room-space,  and  sanitary 
inspections  are  systematic  and  frequent. 

Everything  is  orderly.  The  fire  brigade  march  in 
rank,  curiously  uniformed,  and  so  grave  is  their  de- 
meanor that  they  look  like  a  Salvation  Army  under 
conviction  of  sin.  People  tell  me  that  when  a  fire 
alarm  is  sounded,  the  firemen  assemble  calmly,  answer 
to  their  names  when  the  roll  is  called,  then  proceed  to 
the  fire.  There  they  are  ranked  up,  military  fashion, 
and  told  off  in  detachments  by  the  chief,  who  parcels 
out  to  the  detachments  the  several  parts  of  the  work 
which  they  are  to  undertake  in  putting  out  that  fire. 
This  is  all  done  with  low-voiced  propriety,  and  strangers 


The  German  Chicago  507 

think  these  people  are  working  a  funeral.  As  a  rule, 
the  fire  is  confined  to  a  single  floor  in  these  great 
masses  of  bricks  and  masonry,  and  consequently  there 
is  little  or  no  interest  attaching  to  a  fire  here  for  the 
rest  of  the  occupants  of  the  house. 

There  is  abundance  of  newspapers  in  Berlin,  and 
there  was  also  a  newsboy,  but  he  died.  At  intervals 
of  half  a  mile  on  the  thoroughfares  there  are  booths, 
and  it  is  at  these  that  you  buy  your  papers.  There 
are  plenty  of  theaters,  but  they  do  not  advertise  in  a 
loud  way.  There  are  no  big  posters  of  any  kind,  and 
the  display  of  vast  type  and  of  pictures  of  actors  and 
performance  framed  on  a  big  scale  and  done  in  rain- 
bow colors  is  a  thing  unknown.  If  the  big  show-bills 
existed  there  would  be  no  place  to  exhibit  them ;  for 
there  are  no  poster-fences,  and  one  would  not  be 
allowed  to  disfigure  dead  walls  with  them.  Unsightly 
things  are  forbidden  here;  Berlin  is  a  rest  to  the  eye. 

And  yet  the  saunterer  can  easily  find  out  what  is 
going  on  at  the  theaters.  All  over  the  city,  at  short 
distances  apart,  there  are  neat  round  pillars  eighteen 
feet  high  and  about  as  thick  as  a  hogshead,  and  on 
these  the  little  black  and  white  theater  bills  and  other 
notices  are  posted.  One  generally  finds  a  group  around 
each  pillar  reading  these  things.  There  are  plenty  of 
things  in  Berlin  worth  importing  to  America.  It  is 
these  that  I  have  particularly  wished  to  make  a  note  of. 
When  Buffalo  Bill  was  here  his  biggest  poster  was 
probably  not  larger  than  the  top  of  an  ordinary  trunk. 

There  is  a  multiplicity  of  clean  and  comfortable 
horse-cars,  but  whenever  you  think  you  know  where  a 
car  is  going  to  you  would  better  stop  ashore,  because 
that  car  is  not  going  to  that  place  at  all.  The  car 
routes  are  marvelously  intricate,  and  often  the  drivers 
get  lost  and  are  not  heard  of  for  years.  The  signs  on 
the  cars  furnish  no  details  as  to  the  course  of  the 


508  The  German  Chicago 

journey ;  they  name  the  end  of  it,  and  then  experi- 
ment around  to  see  how  much  territory  they  can  cover 
before  they  get  there.  The  conductor  will  collect  your 
fare  over  again  every  few  miles,  and  give  you  a  ticket 
which  he  hasn't  apparently  kept  any  record  of,  and 
you  keep  it  till  an  inspector  comes  aboard  by  and  by 
and  tears  a  corner  off  it  (which  he  does  not  keep), 
then  you  throw  the  ticket  away  and  get  ready  to  buy 
another.  Brains  are  of  no  value  when  you  are  trying 
to  navigate  Berlin  in  a  horse-car.  When  the  ablest  of 
Brooklyn's  editors  was  here  on  a  visit  he  took  a  horse- 
car  in  the  early  morning,  and  wore  it  out  trying  to  go 
to  a  point  in  the  center  of  the  city.  He  was  on  board 
all  day  and  spent  many  dollars  in  fares,  and  then  did 
not  arrive  at  the  place  which  he  had  started  to  go  to. 
This  is  the  most  thorough  way  to  see  Berlin,  but  it  is 
also  the  most  expensive. 

But  there  are  excellent  features  about  the  car  system, 
nevertheless.  The  car  will  not  stop  for  you  to  get  on 
or  off,  except  at  certain  places  a  block  or  two  apart 
where  there  is  a  sign  to  indicate  that  that  is  a  halting 
station.  This  system  saves  many  bones.  There  are 
twenty  places  inside  the  car ;  when  these  seats  are  filled, 
no  more  can  enter.  Four  or  five  persons  may  stand  on 
each  platform  —  the  law  decrees  the  number  —  and 
when  these  standing  places  are  all  occupied  the  next 
applicant  is  refused.  As  there  is  no  crowding,  and  as 
no  rowdyism  is  allowed,  women  stand  on  the  platforms 
as  well  as  the  men ;  they  often  stand  there  when  there 
are  vacant  seats  inside,  for  these  places  are  comfort- 
able, there  being  little  or  no  jolting.  A  native  tells  me 
that  when  the  first  car  was  put  on,  thirty  or  forty  years 
ago,  the  public  had  such  a  terror  of  it  that  they  didn't 
feel  safe  inside  of  it  or  outside  either.  They  made  the 
company  keep  a  man  at  every  crossing  with  a  red  flag 
in  his  hand.  Nobody  would  travel  in  the  car  except 


The  German  Chicago  509 

convicts  on  the  way  to  the  gallows.  This  made  busi- 
ness in  only  one  direction,  and  the  car  had  to  go  back 
light.  To  save  the  company,  the  city  government 
transferred  the  convict  cemetery  to  the  other  end  of 
the  line.  This  made  traffic  in  both  directions  and  kept 
the  company  from  going  under.  This  sounds  like 
some  of  the  information  which  traveling  foreigners  are 
furnished  with  in  America.  To  my  mind  it  has  a 
doubtful  ring  about  it. 

The  first-class  cab  is  neat  and  trim,  and  has  leather- 
cushion  seats  and  a  swift  horse.  The  second-class  cab 
is  an  ugly  and  lubberly  vehicle,  and  is  always  old.  It 
seems  a  strange  thing  that  they  have  never  built  any 
new  ones.  Still,  if  such  a  thing  were  done  everybody 
that  had  time  to  flock  would  flock  to  see  it,  and  that 
would  make  a  crowd,  and  the  police  do  not  like  crowds 
and  disorder  here.  If  there  were  an  earthquake  in 
Berlin  the  police  would  take  charge  of  it  and  conduct  it 
in  that  sort  of  orderly  way  that  would  make  you  think 
it  was  a  prayer-meeting.  That  is  what  an  earthquake 
generally  ends  in,  but  this  one  would  be  different  from 
those  others;  it  would  be  kind  of  soft  and  self- 
contained,  like  a  republican  praying  for  a  mugwump. 

For  a  course  (a  quarter  of  an  hour  or  less),  one 
pays  twenty-five  cents  in  a  first-class  cab,  and  fifteen 
cents  in  a  second-class.  The  first-class  will  take  you 
along  faster,  for  the  second-class  horse  is  old  —  always 
old  —  as  old  as  his  cab,  some  authorities  say — and 
ill-fed  and  weak.  He  has  been  a  first-class  once,  but 
has  been  degraded  to  second-class  for  long  and  faithful 
service. 

Still,  he  must  take  you  as  far  for  fifteen  cents  as  the 
other  horse  takes  you  for  twenty-five.  If  he  can't  do 
his  fifteen-minute  distance  in  fifteen  minutes,  he  must 
still  do  the  distance  for  the  fifteen  cents.  Any  stranger 
can  check  the  distance  off  —  by  means  of  the  most 

33A    , 


510  The  German  Chicago 

curious  map  I  am  acquainted  with.  It  is  issued  by 
the  city  government  and  can  be  bought  in  any  shop 
for  a  trifle.  In  it  every  street  is  sectioned  off  like  a 
string  of  long  beads  of  different  colors.  Each  long 
bead  represents  a  minute's  travel,  and  when  you  have 
covered  fifteen  of  the  beads  you  have  got  your  money's 
worth.  This  map  of  Berlin  is  a  gay-colored  maze,  and 
looks  like  pictures  of  the  circulation  of  the  blood. 

The  streets  are  very  clean.  They  are  kept  so  - —  not 
by  prayer  and  talk  and  the  other  New  York  methods, 
but  by  daily  and  hourly  work  with  scrapers  and 
brooms;  and  when  an  asphalted  street  has  been  tidily 
scraped  after  a  rain  or  a  light  snowfall,  they  scatter 
clean  sand  over  it.  This  saves  some  of  the  horses  from 
falling  down.  In  fact,  this  is  a  city  government  which 
seems  to  stop  at  no  expense  where  the  public  conveni- 
ence, comfort,  and  health  are  concerned  —  except  in 
one  detail.  That  is  the  naming  of  the  streets  and  the 
numbering  of  the  houses.  Sometimes  the  name  of  q 
street  will  change  in  the  middle  of  a  block.  You  will 
not  find  it  out  till  you  get  to  the  next  corner  and  dis- 
cover the  new  name  on  the  wall,  and  of  course  you 
don't  know  just  when  the  change  happened. 

The  names  are  plainly  marked  on  the  corners  —  on 
all  the  corners  —  there  are  no  exceptions.  But  the 
numbering  of  the  houses  —  there  has  never  been  any- 
thing like  it  since  original  chaos.  It  is  not  possible 
that  it  was  done  by  this  wise  city  government.  At  first 
one  thinks  it  was  done  by  an  idiot ;  but  there  is  too 
much  variety  about  it  for  that;  an  idiot  could  not 
think  of  so  many  different  ways  of  making  confusion 
and  propagating  blasphemy.  The  numbers  run  up 
one  side  the  street  and  down  the  other.  That  is  en- 
durable, but  the  rest  isn't.  They  often  use  one  number 
for  three  or  four  houses  —  and  sometimes  they  put  the 
number  on  only  one  of  the  houses  and  let  you  guess  at 


The  German  Chicago  511 

the  others.  Sometimes  they  put  a  number  on  a  house 
—  4,  for  instance  —  then  put  4^,  4$,  4^,  on  the  suc- 
ceeding houses,  and  one  becomes  old  and  decrepit 
before  he  finally  arrives  at  5.  A  result  of  Ihis  system- 
less  system  is  that  when  you  are  at  N/o.  i  in  a  street 
you  haven't  any  idea  how  far  it  may  be  to  No.  150;  it 
may  be  only  six  or  eight  blocks,  it  may  be  a  couple  of 
miles.  Frederick  street  is  long,  and  is  one  of  the  great 
thoroughfares.  The  other  day  a  man  put  up  his  money 
behind  the  assertion  that  there  were  more  refreshment 
places  in  that  street  than  numbers  on  the  houses  —  and 
he  won.  There  were  254  numbers  and  257  refresh- 
ment places.  Yet  as  I  have  said,  it  is  a  long  street. 

But  the  worst  feature  of  all  this  complex  business  is 
that  in  Berlin  the  numbers  do  not  travel  in  any  one 
direction;  no,  they  travel  along  until  they  get  to  50  or 
60,  perhaps,  then  suddenly  you  find  yourself  up  in  the 
hundreds — 140,  maybe;  the  next  will  be  139  —  then 
you  perceive  by  that  sign  that  the  numbers  are  now 
traveling  towards  you  from  the  opposite  direction. 
They  will  keep  that  sort  of  insanity  up  as  long  as  you 
travel  that  street;  every  now  and  then  the  numbers  will 
turn  and  run  the  other  way.  As  a  rule,  there  is  an 
arrow  under  the  number,  to  show  by  the  direction  of 
its  flight  which  way  the  numbers  are  proceeding. 
There  are  a  good  many  suicides  in  Berlin ;  I  have  seen 
six  reported  in  a  single  day.  There  is  always  a  deal  of 
learned  and  laborious  arguing  and  ciphering  going  on 
as  to  the  cause  of  this  state  of  things.  If  they  will  set 
to  work  and  number  their  houses  in  a  rational  way  per- 
haps they  will  find  out  what  was  the  matter. 

More  than  a  month  ago  Berlin  began  to  prepare 
to  celebrate  Professor  Virchow's  seventieth  birthday. 
When  the  birthday  arrived,  the  middle  of  October,  it 
seemed  to  me  that  all  the  world  of  science  arrived  with 
it;  deputation  after  deputation  came,  bringing  the 


512  The  German  Chicago 

homage  and  reverence  of  far  cities  and  centers  of  learn- 
ing, and  during  the  whole  of  a  long  day  the  hero  of  it 
sat  and  received  such  witness  of  his  greatness  as  has 
seldom  been  vouchsafed  to  any  man  in  any  walk  of  life 
in  anytime,  ancient  or  modern.  These  demonstrations 
were  continued  in  one  form  or  another  day  after  day, 
and  were  presently  merged  in  similar  demonstrations  to 
his  twin  in  science  and  achievement,  Professor  Helm- 
holtz,  whose  seventieth  birthday  is  separated  from 
Virchow's  by  only  about  three  weeks;  so  nearly  as 
this  did  these  two  extraordinary  men  come  to  being 
born  together.  Two  such  births  have  seldom  signalized 
a  single  year  in  human  history. 

But  perhaps  the  final  and  closing  demonstration  was 
peculiarly  grateful  to  them.  This  was  a  Commers 
given  in  their  honor  the  other  night  by  1,000  students. 
It  was  held  in  a  huge  hall,  very  long  and  very  lofty, 
which  had  five  galleries,  far  above  everybody's  head, 
which  were  crowded  with  ladies —  four  or  five  hundred, 
I  judged. 

It  was  beautifully  decorated  with  clustered  flags  and 
various  ornamental  devices,  and  was  brilliantly  lighted. 
On  the  spacious  floor  of  this  place  were  ranged,  in 
files,  innumerable  tables,  seating  twenty-four  persons 
each,  extending  from  one  end  of  the  great  hall  clear  to 
the  other,  and  with  narrow  aisles  between  the  files.  In 
the  center  on  one  side  was  a  high  and  tastefully 
decorated  platform  twenty  or  thirty  feet  long,  with  a 
long  table  on  it  behind  which  sat  the  half-dozen  chiefs 
of  the  givers  of  the  Commers  in  the  rich  mediseval  cos- 
tumes of  as  many  different  college  corps.  Behind  these 
youths  a  band  of  musicians  was  concealed.  On  the 
floor  directly  in  front  of  this  platform  were  half  a 
dozen  tables  which  were  distinguished  from  the  out- 
lying continent  of  tables  by  being  covered  instead  of 
left  naked.  Of  these  the  central  table  was  reserved  for 


The  German  Chicago  513 

the  two  heroes  of  the  occasion  and  twenty  particularly 
eminent  professors  of  the  Berlin  University,  and  the 
other  covered  tables  were  for  the  occupancy  of  a  hun- 
dred less  distinguished  professors. 

I  was  glad  to  be  honored  with  a  place  at  the  table 
of  the  two  heroes  of  the  occasion,  although  I  was  not 
really  learned  enough  to  deserve  it.  Indeed,  there  was 
a  pleasant  strangeness  in  being  in  such  company;  to 
be  thus  associated  with  twenty-three  men  who  forget 
more  every  day  than  I  ever  knew.  Yet  there  was 
nothing  embarrassing  about  it,  because  loaded  men  and 
empty  ones  look  about  alike,  and  I  knew  that  to  that 
multitude  there  I  was  a  professor.  It  required  but 
little  art  to  catch  the  ways  and  attitude  of  those  men 
and  imitate  them,  and  I  had  no  difficulty  in  looking  as 
much  like  a  professor  as  anybody  there. 

We  arrived  early;  so  early  that  only  Professors 
Virchow  and  Helmholtz  and  a  dozen  guests  of  the 
special  tables  were  ahead  of  us,  and  300  or  400  students. 
But  people  were  arriving  in  floods  now,  and  within 
fifteen  minutes  all  but  the  special  tables  were  occupied, 
and  the  great  house  was  crammed,  the  aisles  included. 
It  was  said  that  there  were  4,000  men  present.  It  was 
a  most  animated  scene,  there  is  no  doubt  about  that; 
it  was  a  stupendous  beehive.  At  each  end  of  each 
table  stood  a  corps  student  in  the  uniform  of  his  corps. 
These  quaint  costumes  are  of  brilliant  colored  silks  and 
velvets,  with  sometimes  a  high  plumed  hat,  sometimes 
a  broad  Scotch  cap,  with  a  great  plume  wound  about 
it,  sometimes  —  oftenest  —  a  little  shallow  silk  cap  on 
the  tip  of  the  crown,  like  an  inverted  saucer;  some- 
times the  pantaloons  are  snow-white,  sometimes  of 
other  colors ;  the  boots  in  all  cases  come  up  well  above 
the  knee ;  and  in  all  cases  also  white  gauntlets  are 
worn ;  the  sword  is  a  rapier  with  a  bowl-shaped  guard 
for  the  hand,  painted  in  several  colors.  Each  corps 
33*** 


514  The  German  Chicago 

has  a  uniform  of  its  own,  and  all  are  of  rich  material, 
brilliant  in  color,  and  exceedingly  picturesque;  fol 
they  are  survivals  of  the  vanished  costumes  of  the 
Middle  Ages,  and  they  reproduce  for  us  the  time  when 
men  were  beautiful  to  look  at.  The  student  who  stood 
guard  at  our  end  of  the  table  was  of  grave  countenance 
and  great  frame  and  grace  of  form,  and  he  was  doubt- 
less an  accurate  reproduction,  clothes  and  all,  of  some 
ancestor  of  his  of  two  or  three  centuries  ago  — -  a 
reproduction  as  far  as  the  outside,  the  animal  man, 
goes,  I  mean. 

As  I  say,  the  place  was  now  crowded.  The  nearest 
aisle  was  packed  with  students  standing  up,  and  they 
made  a  fence  which  shut  off  the  rest  of  the  house  from 
view.  As  far  down  this  fence  as  you  could  see  all 
these  wholesome  young  faces  were  turned  in  one  direc- 
tion, all  these  intent  and  worshiping  eyes  were  centered 
upon  one  spot  —  the  place  where  Virchow  and  Helm- 
holtz  sat.  The  boys  seemed  lost  to  everything,  uncon- 
scious of  their  own  existence ;  they  devoured  these  two 
intellectual  giants  with  their  eyes,  they  feasted  upon 
them,  and  the  worship  that  was  in  their  hearts  shone 
in  their  faces.  It  seemed  to  me  that  I  would  rather  be 
flooded  with  a  glory  like  that,  instinct  with  sincerity, 
innocent  of  self-seeking,  than  win  a  hundred  battles 
and  break  a  million  hearts. 

There  was  a  big  mug  of  beer  in  front  of  each  of  us, 
and  more  to  come  when  wanted.  There  was  also  a 
quarto  pamphlet  containing  the  words  of  the  songs  to 
be  sung.  After  the  names  of  the  officers  of  the  feast 
were  these  words  in  large  type : 

"  Wdhrenddes  Kommerses  herrscht  allgemeiner 
Btirgfriede. " 

I  was  not  able  to  translate  this  to  my  satisfaction, 
but  a  professor  helped  me  out.  This  was  his  explana* 


The  German  Chicago  515 

tion:  The  students  in  uniform  belong  to  different  col- 
lege corps;  not  all  students  belong  to  corps;  none 
join  the  corps  except  those  who  enjoy  fighting.  The 
corps  students  fight  duels  with  swords  every  week,  one 
sorps  challenging  another  corps  to  furnish  a  certain 
number  of  duelists  for  the  occasion,  and  it  is  only  on 
this  battlefield  that  students  of  different  corps  ex- 
change courtesies.  In  common  life  they  do  not  drink 
with  each  other  or  speak.  The  above  line  now  trans- 
lates itself:  there  is  truce  during  the  Commers,  war  is 
laid  aside  and  fellowship  takes  its  place. 

Now  the  performance  began.  The  concealed  band 
played  a  piece  of  martial  music;  then  there  was  a 
pause.  The  students  on  the  platform  rose  to  their 
feet,  the  middle  one  gave  a  toast  to  the  Emperor,  then 
all  the  house  rose,  mugs  in  hand.  At  the  call  "  One  — 
two  —  three ! "  all  glasses  were  drained  and  then 
brought  down  with  a  slam  on  the  tables  in  unison. 
The  result  was  as  good  an  imitation  of  thunder  as  I 
have  ever  heard.  From  now  on,  during  an  hour,  there 
was  singing,  in  mighty  chorus.  During  each  interval 
between  songs  a  number  of  the  special  guests  —  the 
professors  —  arrived.  There  seemed  to  be  some  signal 
whereby  the  students  on  the  platform  were  made  aware 
that  a  professor  had  arrived  at  the  remote  door  of 
entrance;  for  you  would  see  them  suddenly  rise  to 
their  feet,  strike  an  erect  military  attitude,  then  draw 
their  swords ;  the  swords  of  all  their  brethren  standing 
guard  at  the  innumerable  tables  would  flash  from  their 
scabbards  and  be  held  aloft  —  a  handsome  spectacle  I 
Three  clear  bugle  notes  would  ring  out,  then  all  these 
swords  would  come  down  with  a  crash,  twice  repeated, 
on  the  tables,  and  be  uplifted  and  held  aloft  again; 
then  in  the  distance  you  would  see  the  gay  uniforms 
and  uplifted  swords  of  a  guard  of  honor  clearing  the 
way  and  conducting  the  guest  down  to  his  place.  The 

GG*** 


516  The  German  Chicago 

songs  were  stirring,  the  immense  outpour  from  young 
life  and  young  lungs,  the  crash  of  swords  and  the 
thunder  of  the  beer  mugs  gradually  worked  a  body  up 
to  what  seemed  the  last  possible  summit  of  excitement. 
It  surely  seemed  to  me  that  I  had  reached  that  summit, 
that  I  had  reached  my  limit,  and  that  there  was  no 
higher  lift  desirable  for  me.  When  apparently  the  last 
eminent  guest  had  long  ago  taken  his  place,  again  those 
three  bugle  blasts  rang  out  and  once  more  the  swords 
leaped  from  their  scabbards.  Who  might  this  late 
comer  be?  Nobody  was  interested  to  inquire.  Still, 
indolent  eyes  were  turned  towards  the  distant  entrance ; 
we  saw  the  silken  gleam  and  the  lifted  swords  of  a 
guard  of  honor  plowing  through  the  remote  crowds. 
Then  we  saw  that  end  of  the  house  rising  to  its  feet ; 
saw  it  rise  abreast  the  advancing  guard  all  along,  like  a 
wave.  This  supreme  honor  had  been  offered  to  no  one 
before.  Then  there  was  an  excited  whisper  at  our 
table — "MOMMSEN!"  and  the  whole  house  rose. 
Rose  and  shouted  and  stamped  and  clapped,  and 
banged  the  beer  mugs.  Just  simply  a  storm !  Then 
the  little  man  with  his  long  hair  and  Emersonian  face 
edged  his  way  past  us  and  took  his  seat.  I  could  have 
touched  him  with  my  hand  —  Mommsen  !  —  think 
of  it! 

This  was  one  of  those  immense  surprises  that  can 
happen  only  a  few  times  in  one's  life.  I  was  not 
dreaming  of  him,  he  was  to  me  only  a  giant  myth,  a 
world-shadowing  specter,  not  a  reality.  The  surprise  of 
it  all  can  be  only  comparable  to  a  man's  suddenly  coming 
upon  Mont  Blanc  with  its  awful  form  towering  into 
the  sky,  when  he  didn't  suspect  he  was  in  its  neighbor- 
hood. I  would  have  walked  a  great  many  miles  to  get 
a  sight  of  him,  and  here  he  was,  without  trouble  or 
tramp  or  cost  of  any  kind.  Here  he  was,  clothed  in  a 
Titanic  deceptive  modesty  which  made  him  look  like 


The  German  Chicago  517 

other  men.  Here  he  was,  carrying  the  Roman  world 
and  all  the  Caesars  in  his  hospitable  skull,  and  doing  it 
as  easily  as  that  other  luminous  vault,  the  skull  of  the 
universe,  carries  the  Milky  Way  and  the  constellations. 

One  of  the  professors  said  that  once  upon  a  time  an 
American  young  lady  was  introduced  to  Mommsen, 
and  found  herself  badly  scared  and  speechless.  She 
dreaded  to  see  his  mouth  unclose,  for  she  was  expect- 
ing him  to  choose  a  subject  several  miles  above  her 
comprehension,  and  didn't  suppose  he  could  get  down 
to  the  world  that  other  people  lived  in ;  but  when  his 
remark  came,  her  terrors  disappeared:  "  Well,  how  do 
you  do?  Have  you  read  Howells's  last  book?  1 
think  it's  his  best." 

The  active  ceremonies  of  the  evening  closed  with  the 
speeches  of  welcome  delivered  by  two  students  and  the 
replies  made  by  Professors  Virchow  and  Helmholtz. 

Virchow  has  long  been  a  member  of  the  city  govern- 
ment of  Berlin.  He  works  as  hard  for  the  city  as  does 
any  other  Berlin  alderman,  and  gets  the  same  pay  — 
nothing.  I  don't  know  that  we  in  America  could 
venture  to  ask  our  most  illustrious  citizen  to  serve  in  a 
board  of  aldermen,  and  if  we  might  venture  it  I  am 
not  positively  sure  that  we  could  elect  him.  But  here 
the  municipal  system  is  such  that  the  best  men  in  the 
city  consider  it  an  honor  to  serve  gratis  as  aldermen, 
and  the  people  have  the  good  sense  to  prefer  these 
men  and  to  elect  them  year  after  year.  As  a  result, 
Berlin  is  a  thoroughly  well-governed  city.  It  is  a  free 
city;  its  affairs  are  not  meddled  with  by  the  State; 
they  are  managed  by  its  own  citizens,  and  after  meth- 
ods of  their  own  devising. 


A  PETITION  TO  THE  QUEEN  OF  ENGLAND 

HARTFORD,  Nov.  6,  1887. 

MADAM:  You  will  remember  that  last  May  Mr. 
Edward  Bright,  the  clerk  of  the  Inland  Revenue 
Office,  wrote  me  about  a  tax  which  he  said  was  due 
from  me  to  the  Government  on  books  of  mine  pub- 
lished in  London  —  that  is  to  say,  an  income  tax  on 
the  royalties.  I  do  not  know  Mr.  Bright,  and  it  is 
embarrassing  to  me  to  correspond  with  strangers;  for 
I  was  raised  in  the  country  and  have  always  lived  there, 
the  early  part  in  Marion  County,  Missouri,  before  the 
war,  and  this  part  in  Hartford  County,  Connecticut, 
near  Bloomfield  and  about  eight  miles  this  side  of 
Farmington,  though  some  call  it  nine,  which  it  is  im- 
possible to  be,  for  I  have  walked  it  many  and  many  a 
time  in  considerably  under  three  hours,  and  General 
Hawley  says  he  has  done  it  in  two  and  a  quarter,  which 
is  not  likely ;  so  it  has  seemed  best  that  I  write  your 
Majesty.  It  is  true  that  I  do  not  know  your  Majesty 
personally,  but  I  have  met  the  Lord  Mayor,  and  if  the 
rest  of  the  family  are  like  him,  it  is  but  just  that  it 
should  be  named  royal;  and  likewise  plain  that  in  a 
family  matter  like  this,  I  cannot  better  forward  my  case 
than  to  frankly  carry  it  to  the  head  of  the  family  itself. 
I  have  also  met  the  Prince  of  Wales  once  in  the  fall  of 
1873,  but  it  was  not  in  any  familiar  way,  but  in  a  quite 
informal  way,  being  casual,  and  was,  of  course,  a  sur- 
prise to  us  both.  It  was  in  Oxford  street,  just  where 


A  Petition  to  the  Queen  of  England  519 

you  come  out  of  Oxford  into  Regent  Circus,  and  just 
as  he  turned  up  one  side  of  the  circle  at  the  head  of  a 
procession,  I  went  down  the  other  side  on  the  top  of 
an  omnibus.  He  will  remember  me  on  account  of  a 
gray  coat  with  flap  pockets  that  I  wore,  as  I  was  the 
only  person  on  the  omnibus  that  had  on  that  kind  of  a 
coat;  I  remember  him  of  course  as  easy  as  I  would  a 
comet.  He  looked  quite  proud  and  satisfied,  but  that 
is  not  to  be  wondered  at,  he  has  a  good  situation. 
And  once  I  called  on  your  Majesty,  but  you  were  out. 
But  that  is  no  matter,  it  happens  with  everybody. 
However,  I  have  wandered  a  little  away  from  what  I 
started  about.  It  was  this  way.  Young  Bright  wrote 
my  London  publishers,  Chatto  and  Windus  —  their 
place  is  the  one  on  the  left  as  you  come  down  Picca- 
dilly, about  a  block  and  a  half  above  where  the  minstrel 
show  is  —  he  wrote  them  that  he  wanted  them  to  pay 
income  tax  on  the  royalties  of  some  foreign  authors, 
namely,  "  Miss  De  La  Rame  (Ouida),  Dr.  Oliver 
Wendell  Holmes,  Mr.  Francis  Bret  Harte,  and  Mr. 
Mark  Twain."  Well,  Mr.  Chatto  diverted  him  from 
the  others,  and  tried  to  divert  him  from  me,  but  in  this 
case  he  failed.  So  then  young  Bright  wrote  me.  And 
not  only  that,  but  he  sent  me  a  printed  document  the 
size  of  a  newspaper,  for  me  to  sign  all  over  in  different 
places.  Well,  it  was  that  kind  of  a  document  that  the 
more  you  study  it  the  more  it  undermines  you  and 
makes  everything  seem  uncertain  to  you;  and  so,  while 
in  that  condition,  and  really  not  responsible  for  my 
acts,  I  wrote  Mr.  Chatto  to  pay  the  tax  and  charge  to 
me.  Of  course  my  idea  was,  that  it  was  for  only  one 
year,  and  that  the  tax  would  be  only  about  one  per 
cent,  or  along  there  somewhere,  but  last  night  I  met 
Professor  Sloane  of  Princeton  —  you  may  not  know 
him,  but  you  have  probably  seen  him  every  now  and 
then,  for  he  goes  to  England  a  good  deal,  a  large  man 


520  A  Petition  to  the  Queen  of  England 

and  very  handsome  and  absorbed  in  thought,  and  if 
you  have  noticed  such  a  man  on  platforms  after  the 
train  is  gone,  that  is  the  one,  he  generally  gets  left, 
like  all  those  specialists  and  other  scholars  who  know 
everything  but  how  to  apply  it  —  and  he  said  it  was  a 
back  tax  for  three  years,  and  not  one  per  cent.,  but 
two  and  a  half ! 

That  gave  what  had  seemed  a  little  matter  a  new 
aspect.  I  then  began  to  study  the  printed  document 
again,  to  see  if  I  could  find  anything  in  it  that  might 
modify  my  case,  and  I  had  what  seems  to  be  a  quite 
promising  success.  For  instance,  it  opens  thus  —  polite 
and  courteous,  the  way  those  English  government 
documents  always  are  —  I  do  not  say  that  to  hear 
myself  talk,  it  is  just  the  fact,  and  it  is  a  credit : 

"  To  MR.  MARK  TWAIN:  IN  PURSUANCE  of  the 
Acts  of  Parliament  for  granting  to  Her  Majesty  Duties 
and  Profits,"  etc. 

I  had  not  noticed  that  before.  My  idea  had  been 
that  it  was  for  the  Government,  and  so  I  wrote  to  the 
Government;  but  now  I  saw  that  it  was  a  private 
matter,  a  family  matter,  and  that  the  proceeds  went  to 
yourself,  not  the  Government.  I  would  always  rather 
treat  with  principals,  and  I  am  glad  I  noticed  that 
clause.  With  a  principal,  one  can  always  get  at  a  fair 
and  right  understanding,  whether  it  is  about  potatoes, 
or  continents,  or  any  of  those  things,  or  something 
entirely  different;  for  the  size  or  nature  of  the  thing 
does  not  affect  the  fact ;  whereas,  as  a  rule,  a  subordinate 
is  more  or  less  troublesome  to  satisfy.  And  yet  this  is 
not  against  them,  but  the  o'ther  way.  They  have  their 
duties  to  do,  and  must  be  harnessed  to  rules,  and  not 
allowed  any  discretion.  Why,  if  your  Majesty  should 
equip  young  Bright  with  discretion  —  I  mean  his  own 
discretion  —  it  is  an  even  guess  that  he  would  discretion 
you  out  of  house  and  home  in  2  or  3  years.  He 


A  Petition  to  the  Queen  of  England  521 

would  not  mean  to  get  the  family  into  straits,  but  that 
would  be  the  upshot,  just  the  same.  Now  then,  with 
Bright  out  of  the  way,  this  is  not  going  to  be  any  Irish 
question ;  it  is  going  to  be  settled  pleasantly  and  satis- 
factorily for  all  of  us,  and  when  it  is  finished  your 
Majesty  is  going  to  stand  with  the  American  people 
just  as  you  have  stood  for  fifty  years,  and  surely  no 
monarch  can  require  better  than  that  of  an  alien  nation. 
They  do  not  all  pay  a  British  income  tax,  but  the  most 
of  them  will  in  time,  for  we  have  shoals  of  new  authors 
coming  along  every  year;  and  of  the  population  of 
your  Canada,  upwards  of  four-fifths  are  wealthy 
Americans,  and  more  going  there  all  the  time. 

Well,  another  thing  which  I  noticed  in  the  Document 
was  an  item  about  "  Deductions."  I  will  come  to 
that  presently,  your  Majesty.  And  another  thing  was 
this :  that  Authors  are  not  mentioned  in  the  Document 
at  all.  No,  we  have  "  Quarries,  Mines,  Iron  Works, 
Salt  Springs,  Alum  Mines,  Water  Works,  Canals, 
Docks,  Drains,  Levels,  Fishings,  Fairs,  Tolls,  Bridges, 
Ferries,"  and  so-forth  and  so-forth  and  so-on  —  well, 
as  much  as  a  yard  or  a  yard  and  a  half  of  them,  I 
should  think  —  anyway  a  very  large  quantity  or  num- 
ber. I  read  along  —  down,  and  down,  and  down  the 
list,  further,  and  further,  and  further,  and  as  I  ap- 
proached the  bottom  my  hopes  began  to  rise  higher 
and  higher,  because  I  saw  that  everything  in  England 
that  far  was  taxed  by  name  and  in  detail,  except  per- 
haps the  family,  and  maybe  Parliament,  and  yet  still 
no  mention  of  Authors.  Apparently  they  were  going 
to  be  overlooked.  And  sure  enough,  they  were !  My 
heart  gave  a  great  bound.  /  But  I  was  too  soon.  There 
was  a  footnote,  in  Mr.  Bright's  hand,  which  said: 
**  You  are  taxed  under  Schedule  D,  section  14."  I 
turned  to  that  place,  and  found  these  three  things: 
"  Trades.  Offices,  Gas  Works." 


522  A  Petition  to  the  Queen  of  England 

Of  course,  after  a  moment's  reflection,  hope  came 
up  again,  and  then  certainty :  Mr.  Bright  was  in  error, 
and  clear  off  the  track;  for  Authorship  is  not  a  Trade, 
it  is  an  inspiration;  Authorship  does  not  keep  an 
Office,  its  habitation  is  all  out  under  the  sky,  and  every- 
where where  the  winds  are  blowing  and  the  sun  is 
shining  and  the  creatures  of  God  are  free.  Now  then, 
since  I  have  no  Trade  and  keep  no  Office,  I  am  not 
taxable  under  Schedule  D,  section  14.  Your  Majesty 
sees  that;  so  I  will  go  on  to  that  other  thing  that  I 
spoke  of,  the  "deductions" — deductions  from  my 
tax  which  I  may  get  allowed,  under  conditions.  Mr. 
Bright  says  all  deductions  to  be  claimed  by  me  must  be 
restricted  to  the  provisions  made  in  Paragraph  No.  8, 
entitled  "  Wear  and  Tear  of  Machinery,  or  Plant." 
This  is  curious,  and  shows  how  far  he  has  gotten  away 
on  his  wrong  course  after  once  he  has  got  started 
wrong:  for  Offices  and  Trades  do  not  have  Plant,  they 
do  not  have  Machinery,  such  a  thing  was  never  heard 
of ;  and,  moreover,  they  do  not  wear  and  tear.  You 
see  that,  your  Majesty,  and  that  it  is  true.  Here  is  the 
Paragraph  No.  8: 

Amount  claimed  as  a  deduction  for  diminished  value  by  reason  of  Wear 
and  Tear,  where  the  Machinery  or  Plant  belongs  to  the  Person  or  Company 
carrying  on  the  Concern,  or  is  let  to  such  Person  or  Company  so  that  the 
Lessee  is  bound  to  maintain  and  deliver  over  the  same  in  good  condition  :  — 

Amount  £ 


There  it  is  —  the  very  words. 

I  could  answer  Mr.  Bright  thus : 

It  is  my  pride  to  say  that  my  Brain  is  my  Plant; 
and  I  do  not  claim  any  deduction  for  diminished  value 
by  reason  of  Wear  and  Tear,  for  the  reason  that  it 
does  not  wear  and  tear,  but  stays  sound  and  whole  all 
the  time.  Yes,  I  could  say  to  him,  my  Brain  is  my 
Plant,  my  Skull  is  my  Workshop,  my  Hand  is  my 


A  Petition  to  the  Queen  of  England  523 

Machinery,  and  I  am  the  Person  carrying  on  the  Con- 
cern ;  it  is  not  leased  to  anybody,  and  so  there  is  no 
Lessee  bound  to  maintain  and  deliver  over  the  same  in 
good  condition.  There.  I  do  not  wish  to  any  way 
overrate  this  argument  and  answer,  dashed  off  just  so, 
and  not  a  word  of  it  altered  from  the  way  I  first  wrote 
it,  your  Majesty,  but  indeed  it  does  seem  to  pulverize 
that  young  fellow,  you  can  see  that  yourself.  But 
that  is  all  I  say ;  I  stop  there ;  I  never  pursue  a  person 
after  I  have  got  him  down. 

Having  thus  shown  your  Majesty  that  I  am  not 
taxable,  but  am  the  victim  of  the  error  of  a  clerk  who 
mistakes  the  nature  of  my  commerce,  it  only  remains 
for  me  to  beg  that  you  will  of  your  justice  annul  my 
letter  that  I  spoke  of,  so  that  my  publisher  can  keep 
back  that  tax-money  which,  in  the  confusion  and 
aberration  caused  by  the  Document,  I  ordered  him  to 
pay.  You  will  not  miss  the  sum,  but  this  is  a  hard 
year  for  authors ;  and  as  for  lectures,  I  do  not  suppose 
your  Majesty  ever  saw  such  a  dull  season. 

With  always  great  and  ever  increasing  respect,  I  beg 
to  sign  myself  your  Majesty's  servant  to  command, 

MARK  TWAIN. 

HER  MAJESTY  THE  QUEEN,  LONDON. 


A  MAJESTIC  LITERARY  FOSSIL 

IF  I  were  required  to  guess  off-hand,  and  without  col- 
lusion with  higher  minds,  what  is  the  bottom  cause 
of  the  amazing  material  and  intellectual  advancement 
of  the  last  fifty  years,  I  should  guess  that  it  was  the 
modern-born  and  previously  non-existent  disposition 
on  the  part  of  men  to  believe  that  a  new  idea  can  have 
value.  With  the  long  roll  of  the  mighty  names  of 
history  present  in  our  minds,  we  are  not  privileged  to 
doubt  that  for  the  past  twenty  or  thirty  centuries  every 
conspicuous  civilization  in  the  world  has  produced 
intellects  able  to  invent  and  create  the  things  which 
make  our  day  a  wonder;  perhaps  we  may  be  justified 
in  inferring,  then,  that  the  reason  they  did  not  do  it 
was  that  the  public  reverence  for  old  ideas  and  hostility 
to  new  ones  always  stood  in  their  way,  and  was  a  wall 
they  could  not  break  down  or  climb  over.  The  pre- 
vailing tone  of  old  books  regarding  new  ideas  is  one  of 
•suspicion  and  uneasiness  at  times,  and  at  other  times 
contempt.  By  contrast,  our  day  is  indifferent  to  old 
ideas,  and  even  considers  that  their  age  makes  their 
value  questionable,  but  jumps  at  a  new  idea  with  enthu- 
siasm and  high  hope  —  a  hope  which  is  high  because  it 
has  not  been  accustomed  to  being  disappointed.  I 
make  no  guess  as  to  just  when  this  disposition  was 
born  to  us,  but  it  certainly  is  ours,  was  not  possessed 
by  any  century  before  us,  is  our  peculiar  mark  and 
badge,  and  is  doubtless  the  bottom  reason  why  we  are 


A  majestic  Literary  Fossil  525 

s.  race  of  lightning-shod  Mercuries,  and  proud  of  it  — 
instead  of  being,  like  our  ancestors,  a  race  of  plodding 
crabs,  and  proud  of  that. 

So  recent  is  this  change  from  a  three  or  four  thou- 
sand year  twilight  to  the  flash  and  glare  of  open  day 
that  I  have  walked  in  both,  and  yet  am  not  old. 
Nothing  is  to-day  as  it  was  when  I  was  an  urchin ;  but 
when  I  was  an  urchin,  nothing  was  much  different  from 
what  it  had  always  been  in  this  world.  Take  a  single 
detail,  for  example  —  medicine.  Galen  could  have 
come  into  my  sick-room  at  any  time  during  my  first 
seven  years  —  I  mean  any  day  when  it  wasn't  fishing 
weather,  and  there  wasn't  any  choice  but  school  or 
sickness  —  and  he  could  have  sat  down  there  and  stood 
my  doctor's  watch  without  asking  a  question.  He 
would  have  smelt  around  among  the  wilderness  of  cups 
and  bottles  and  vials  on  the  table  and  the  shelves,  and 
missed  not  a  stench  that  used  to  glad  him  two  thousand 
years  before,  nor  discovered  one  that  was  of  a  later 
date.  He  would  have  examined  me,  and  run  across 
only  one  disappointment  —  I  was  already  salivated ;  I 
would  have  him  there;  for  I  was  always  salivated, 
calomel  was  so  cheap.  He  would  get  out  his  lancet 
then ;  but  I  would  have  him  again ;  our  family  doctor 
didn't  allow  blood  to  accumulate  in  the  system.  How- 
ever, he  could  take  dipper  and  ladle,  and  freight  me 
up  with  old  familiar  doses  that  had  come  down  from 
Adam  to  his  time  and  mine ;  and  he  could  go  out  with 
a  wheelbarrow  and  gather  weeds  and  offal,  and  build 
some  more,  while  those  others  were  getting  in  their 
work.  And  if  our  reverend  doctor  came  and  found 
him  there,  he  would  be  dumb  with  awe,  and  would  get 
down  and  worship  him.  Whereas  if  Galen  should  ap- 
pear among  us  to-ctay,  he  could  not  stand  anybody's 
watch ;  he  would  inspire  no  awe ;  he  would  be  told  he 
was  a  back  number,  and  it  would  surprise  him  to  see 
34A 


A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil 

that  that  fact  counted  against  him,  instead  cf  in  his 
favor.  He  wouldn't  know  our  medicines:  be  wouldn't 
know  our  practice ;  and  the  first  time  he  tried  to  intro- 
duce his  own  we  would  hang  him. 

This  introduction  brings  me  to  my  literary  relic.  It 
is  a  Dictionary  of  Medicine,  by  Dr.  James,  of  London, 
assisted  by  Mr.  Boswell's  Doctor  Samuel  Johnson,  and 
is  a  hundred  and  fifty  years  old,  it  having  been  pub- 
lished at  the  time  of  the  rebellion  of  '45.  If  it  had 
been  sent  against  the  Pretender's  troops  there  probably 
wouldn't  have  been  a  survivor.  In  1861  this  deadly 
book  was  still  working  the  cemeteries  —  down  in  Vir- 
ginia. For  three  generations  and  a  half  it  had  been 
going  quietly  along,  enriching  the  earth  with  its  slain. 
Up  to  its  last  free  day  it  was  trusted  and  believed  in, 
and  its  devastating  advice  taken,  as  was  shown  by  notes 
inserted  between  its  leaves.  But  our  troops  captured 
it  and  brought  it  home,  and  it  has  been  out  cf  business 
since.  These  remarks  from  its  preface  are  in  the  true 
spirit  of  the  olden  time,  sodden  with  worship  of  the 
old,  disdain  of  the  new: 

If  we  inquire  into  the  Improvements  which  have  been  made  by  the 
Moderns,  we  shall  be  forced  to  confess  that  we  have  so  little  Reason  to 
value  ourselves  beyond  the  Antients,  or  to  be  tempted  to  contemn  them, 
that  we  cannot  give  stronger  or  more  convincing  Proofs  of  our  own  Ignor- 
ance, as  well  as  our  Pride. 

Among  all  the  systematical  Writers,  I  think  there  are  very  few  who 
refuse  the  Preference  to  Hieron,  Fabricius  ab  Aquapendente,  as  a  Person  of 
unquestion'd  Learning  and  Judgment;  and  yet  is  he  not  asham'd  to  let  his 
Readers  know  that  Cehus  among  the  Latins,  Paultis  Aegineta  among  the 
Greeks,  and  Albucasis  among  the  Arabians,  whom  I  am  unwilling  to  place 
among  the  Moderns,  tho'  he  liv'd  but  six  hundred  Years  since,  are  the 
Triumvirate  to  whom  he  principally  stands  indebted,  for  the  Assistance  he 
had  receiv'd  from  them  in  composing  his  excellent  Book. 

[In  a  previous  paragraph  are  puffs  of  Galen,  Hippocrates,  and  other 
debris  of  the  Old  Silurian  Period  of  Medicine.]  How  many  Operations 
are  there  now  in  Use  which  were  unknown  to  the  Antients? 


A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil  527 

That  is  true.  The  surest  way  for  a  nation's  scien- 
tific men  to  prove  that  they  were  proud  and  ignorant 
was  to  claim  to  have  found  out  something  fresh  in  the 
course  of  a  thousand  years  or  so.  Evidently  the  peo- 
ples of  this  book's  day  regarded  themselves  as  children, 
and  their  remote  ancestors  as  the  only  grown-up  people 
that  had  existed.  Consider  the  contrast:  without 
offense,  without  over-egotism,  our  own  scientific  men 
may  and  do  regard  themselves  as  grown  people  and 
their  grandfathers  as  children.  The  change  here  pre- 
sented is  probably  the  most  sweeping  that  has  ever 
come  over  mankind  in  the  history  of  the  race.  It  is 
the  utter  reversal,  in  a  couple  of  generations,  of  an 
attitude  which  had  been  maintained  without  challenge 
or  interruption  from  the  earliest  antiquity.  It  amounts 
to  creating  man  over  again  on  a  new  plan ;  he  was  a 
canal-boat  before,  he  is  an  ocean  greyhound  to-day. 
The  change  from  reptile  to  bird  was  not  more  tre- 
mendous, and  it  took  longer. 

It  is  curious.  If  you  read  between  the  lines  what 
this  author  says  about  Brer  Albucasis,  you  detect  that 
in  venturing  to  compliment  him  he  has  to  whistle  a 
little  to  keep  his  courage  up,  because  Albucasis  "  hVd 
but  six  hundred  Years  since,"  and  therefore  came  so 
uncomfortably  near  being  a  "  modern  "  that  one 
couldn't  respect  him  without  risk. 

Phlebotomy,  Venesection  —  terms  to  signify  bleeding 
—  are  not  often  heard  in  our  day,  because  we  have 
ceased  to  believe  that  the  best  way  to  make  a  bank  or 
a  body  healthy  is  to  squander  its  capital ;  but  in  our 
author's  time  the  physician  went  around  with  a  hatful 
of  lancets  on  his  person  all  the  time,  and  took  a  hack 
at  every  patient  whom  he  found  still  alive.  He  robbed 
his  man  of  pounds  and  pounds  of  blood  at  a  single 
operation.  The  details  of  this  sort  in  this  book  make 
terrific  reading.  Apparently  even  the  healthy  did  not 


528  A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil 

escape,  but  were  bled  twelve  times  a  year,  on  a  par- 
ticular day  of  the  month,  and  exhaustively  purged 
besides.  Here  is  a  specimen  of  the  vigorous  old-time 
practice;  it  occurs  in  our  author's  adoring  biography 
of  a  Doctor  Aretaeus,  a  licensed  assassin  of  Homer's 
time,  or  thereabouts: 

In  a  Quinsey  he  used  Venesection,  and  allow'd  the  Blood  to  flow  till 
the  Patient  was  ready  to  faint  away. 

There  is  no  harm  in  trying  to  cure  a  headache  —  in 
our  day.  You  can't  do  it,  but  you  get  more  or  less 
entertainment  out  of  trying,  and  that  is  something; 
besides,  you  live  to  tell  about  it,  and  that  is  more.  A 
century  or  so  ago  you  could  have  had  the  first  of  these 
features  in  rich  variety,  but  you  might  fail  of  the  other 
once  —  and  once  would  do.  I  quote : 

As  Dissections  of  Persons  who  have  died  of  severe  Head-achs,  which 
have  been  related  by  Authors,  are  too  numerous  to  be  inserted  in  this  Place, 
we  shall  here  abridge  some  of  the  most  curious  and  important  Observations 
relating  to  this  Subject,  collected  by  the  celebrated  Bonetus. 

The  celebrated  Bonetus's  "Observation  No.  I  " 
seems  to  me  a  sufficient  sample,  all  by  itself,  of  what 
people  used  to  have  to  stand  any  time  between  the 
creation  of  the  world  and  the  birth  of  your  father  and 
mine  when  they  had  the  disastrous  luck  to  get  a 
"Head-ach": 

A  certain  Merchant,  about  forty  Years  of  Age,  of  a  Melancholic  Habit, 
and  deeply  involved  in  the  Cares  of  the  World,  was,  during  the  Dog-days, 
seiz'd  with  a  violent  pain  of  his  Head,  which  some  time  after  oblig'd  him 
to  keep  his  Bed. 

I,  being  call'd,  order'd  Venesection  in  the  Arms,  the  Application  of 
Leeches  to  the  Vessels  of  his  Nostrils,  Forehead,  and  Temples,  as  also  to 
those  behind  his  Ears;  I  likewise  prescrib'd  the  Application  of  Cupping- 
glasses,  with  Scarification,  to  his  Back:  But,  notwithstanding  these  Pre- 
cautions, he  dy'd.  If  any  Surgeon,  skill'd  in  Arteriotomy,  had  been 
present,  I  should  have  also  order'd  that  Operation. 


A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil  $29 

I  looked  for  "  Arteriotomy  "  in  this  same  Diction- 
ary, and  found  this  definition:  "The  opening  of  an 
Artery  with  a  View  of  taking  away  Blood."  Here  was 
a  person  who  was  being  bled  in  the  arms,  forehead, 
nostrils,  back,  temples,  and  behind  the  ears,  yet  the 
celebrated  Bonetus  was  not  satisfied,  but  wanted  to 
open  an  artery.  '*  with  a  View"  to  insert  a  pump, 
probably.  '*  Notwithstanding  these  Precautions  " — 
he  dy'd.  No  art  of  speech  could  more  quaintly  con- 
vey this  butcher's  innocent  surprise.  Now  that  we 
know  what  the  celebrated  Bonetus  did  when  he  wanted 
to  relieve  a  Head-ach,  it  is  no  trouble  to  infer  that  if 
he  wanted  to  comfort  a  man  that  had  a  Stomach-ach 
he  disemboweled  him. 

I  have  given  one  "  Observation" — a  single  Head- 
ach  case ;  but  the  celebrated  Bonetus  follows  it  with 
eleven  more.  Without  enlarging  upon  the  matter,  I 
merdy  note  this  coincidence  —  they  all  "  dy'd."  Not 
one  of  these  people  got  well;  yet  this  obtuse  hyena 
sets  down  every  little  gory  detail  of  the  several  assas- 
sinations as  complacently  as  if  he  imagined  he  was 
doing  a  useful  and  meritorious  work  in  perpetuating 
the  methods  of  his  crimes.  "  Observations,"  indeed! 
They  are  confessions. 

According  to  this  book,  "  the  Ashes  of  an  Ass's 
hoof  mix'd  with  Woman's  milk  cures  chilblains." 
Length  of  time  required  not  stated.  Another  item: 
"  The  constant  Use  of  Milk  is  bad  for  the  Teeth,  and 
causes  them  to  rot,  and  loosens  the  Gums."  Yet  in 
our  day  babies  use  it  constantly  without  hurtful  results. 
This  author  thinks  you  ought  to  wash  out  your  mouth 
with  wine  before  venturing  to  drink  milk.  Presently, 
when  we  come  to  notice  what  fiendish  decoctions  those 
people  introduce  into  their  stomachs  by  way  of  medi- 
cine, we  shall  wonder  that  they  could  have  been  afraid 
of  milk. 
84*** 


530  A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil 

It  appears  that  they  had  false  teeth  in  those  days. 
They  were  made  of  ivory  sometimes,  sometimes  of 
bone,  and  were  thrust  into  the  natural  sockets,  and 
lashed  to  each  other  and  to  the  neighboring  teeth  with 
wires  or  with  silk  threads.  They  were  not  to  eat  with, 
nor  to  laugh  with,  because  they  dropped  out  when  not 
in  repose.  You  could  smile  with  them,  but  you  had 
to  practice  first,  or  you  would  overdo  it.  They  were 
not  for  business,  but  just  decoration.  They  filled  the 
bill  according  to  their  lights. 

This  author  says  "  the  Flesh  of  Swine  nourishes 
above  all  other  eatables."  In  another  place  he  men- 
tions a  number  of  things,  and  says  *'  these  are  very 
easy  to  be  digested ;  so  is  Pork. ' '  This  is  probably  a 
lie.  But  he  is  pretty  handy  in  that  line ;  and  when  he 
hasn't  anything  of  the  sort  in  stock  himself  he  gives 
some  other  expert  an  opening.  For  instance,  under  the 
head  of  **  Attract! ves  "  he  introduces  Paracelsus,  who 
tells  of  a  nameless  "  Specific  " —  quantity  of  it  not  set 
down  —  which  is  able  to  draw  a  hundred  pounds  of 
flesh  to  itself  —  distance  not  stated  —  and  then  pro- 
ceeds, "  It  happen 'd  in  our  own  Days  that  an  Attrac- 
tive of  this  Kind  drew  a  certain  Man's  Lungs  up  into 
his  Mouth,  by  which  he  had  the  Misfortune  to  be 
suffocated."  This  is  more  than  doubtful.  In  the  first 
place,  his  Mouth  couldn't  accommodate  his  Lungs  — 
in  fact,  his  Hat  couldn't;  secondly,  his  Heart  being 
more  eligibly  Situated,  it  would  have  got  the  Start  of 
his  Lungs,  and,  being  a  lighter  Body,  it  would  have 
Sail'd  in  ahead  and  Occupied  the  Premises;  thirdly, 
you  will  Take  Notice  a  Man  with  his  Heart  in  his 
Mouth  hasn't  any  Room  left  for  his  Lungs  —  he  has 
got  all  he  can  Attend  to ;  and  finally,  the  Man  must 
have  had  the  Attractive  in  his  Hat,  and  when  he  saw 
what  was  going  to  Happen  he  would  have  Remov'd  it 
and  Sat  Down  on  it.  Indeed,  he  would;  and  then 


A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil  531 

how  could  it  Choke  him  to  Death?  I  don't  believe  the 
thing  ever  happened  at  all. 

Paracelsus  adds  this  effort:  "  I  myself  saw  a  Plaister 
which  attracted  as  much  Water  as  was  sufficient  to  fill 
a  Cistern ;  and  by  these  very  Attractives  Branches  may 
be  torn  from  Trees;  and,  which  is  still  more  surprising, 
a  Cow  may  be  carried  up  into  the  Air."  Paracelsus  is 
dead  now ;  he  was  always  straining  himself  that  way. 

They  liked  a  touch  of  mystery  along  with  their  medi- 
cine in  the  olden  time ;  and  the  medicine-man  of  that 
day,  like  the  medicine-man  of  our  Indian  tribes,  did 
what  he  could  to  meet  the  requirement : 

Arcanum.  A  Kind  of  Remedy  whose  Manner  of  Preparation,  or 
singular  Efficacy,  is  industriously  concealed,  in  order  to  enchance  its  Value. 
iJy  the  Chymists  it  is  generally  defined  a  thing  secret,  incorporeal,  and 
immortal,  which  cannot  be  Known  by  Man,  unless  by  Experience;  for  it  is 
the  Virtue  of  every  thing,  which  operates  a  thousand  times  more  than  the 
thing  itself. 

To  me  the  butt  end  of  this  explanation  is  not  alto- 
gether clear.  A  little  of  what  they  knew  about  natural 
history  in  the  early  times  is  exposed  here  and  there  in 
the  Dictionary. 

The  Spider.  It  is  more  common  than  welcome  in  Houses.  Both  the 
Spider  and  its  Web  are  used  in  Medicine :  The  Spider  is  said  to  avert  the 
Paroxysms  of  Fevers,  if  it  be  apply 'd  to  the  Pulse  of  the  Wrist,  or  the 
Temples;  but  it  is  peculiarly  recommended  against  a  Quartan,  being  enclosed 
in  the  Shell  of  a  Hazlenut. 

Among  approved  Remedies,  I  find  that  the  distill' d  Water  of  Black 
Spiders  is  an  excellent  Cure  for  Wounds,  and  that  this  was  one  of  the  choice 
Secrets  of  Sir  Walter  Raleigh. 

The  Spider  which  some  call  the  Catcher,  or  Wolf,  being  beaten  into  a 
Plaister,  then  sew'd  up  in  Linen,  and  apply'd  to  the  Forehead  or  Temples, 
prevents  the  Returns  of  a  Tertian. 

There  is  another  Kind  of  Spider,  which  spins  a  white,  fine,  and  thick 
Web.  One  of  this  Sort,  wrapp'd  in  Leather,  and  hung  about  the  Arm,  will 
avert  the  Fit  of  a  Quartan.  Boil'd  in  Oil  of  Roses,  and  instilled  into  the 
Ears,  it  eases  Pains  in  those  Parts.  Dioscorides,  Lib.  2,  Cap.  68. 


532  A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil 

Thus  we  find  that  Spiders  have  in  all  Ages  been  celebrated  for  theh 
febrifuge  Virtues;  and  it  is  worthy  of  Remark,  that  a  Spider  is  usually  given 
to  Monkeys,  and  is  esteem'd  a  sovereign  Remedy  for  the  Disorders  those 
Animals  are  principally  subject  to. 

Then  follows  a  long  account  of  how  a  dying  woman, 
who  had  suffered  nine  hours  a  day  with  an  ague  during 
eight  weeks,  and  who  had  been  bled  dry  some  dozens 
of  times  meantime  without  apparent  benefit,  was  at  last 
forced  to  swallow  several  wads  of  '*  Spiders-web," 
whereupon  she  straightway  mended,  and  promptly  got 
well.  So  the  sage  is  full  of  enthusiasm  over  the  spider- 
webs,  and  mentions  only  in  the  most  casual  way  the 
discontinuance  of  the  daily  bleedings,  plainly  never 
suspecting  that  this  had  anything  to  do  with  the  cure. 

As  concerning  the  venomous  Nature  of  Spiders,  Scaliger  takes  notice  of 
a  certain  Species  of  them  (which  he  had  forgotten)  whose  Poison  was  of  so 
great  Force  as  to  affect  one  Vincentimis  thro'  the  Sole  of  his  Shoe,  by 
only  treading  on  it. 

The  sage  takes  that  in  without  a  strain,  but  the  fol- 
lowing case  was  a  trifle  too  bulky  for  him,  as  his  com- 
ment reveals: 

In  Gascony,  observes  Scaliger,  there  is  a  very  small  Spider,  which, 
running  over  a  Looking-glass,  will  crack  the  same  by  the  Force  of  her 
Poison.  (A  mere  Fable. ) 

But  he  finds  no  fault  with  the  following  facts : 

Remarkable  is  the  Enmity  recorded  between  this  Creature  and  the 
Serpent,  as  also  the  Toad:  Of  the  former  it  is  reported,  That,  lying  (as  he 
thinks  securely)  under  the  Shadow  of  some  Tree,  the  Spider  lets  herself 
down  by  her  Thread,  and,  striking  her  Proboscis  or  Sting  into  the  Head, 
with  that  Force  and  Efficacy,  injecting  likewise  her  venomous  Juice,  that, 
wringing  himself  about,  he  immediately  grows  giddy,  and  quickly  after  dies. 

When  the  Toad  is  bit  or  stung  in  Fight  with  this  Creature,  the  Lizard, 
Adder,  or  other  that  is  poisonous,  she  finds  relief  from  Plantain,  to  which 
she  resorts.  In  her  Combat  with  the  Toad,  the  Spider  useth  the  same 
Stratagem  as  with  the  Serpent,  hanging  by  her  own  Thread  from  the  Bough 


A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil  533 

:A  some  Tree,  and  striking  her  Sting  into  her  enemy's  Head,  upon  which 
the  other,  enraged,  swells  up,  and  sometimes  bursts. 

To  this  Effect  is  the  Relation  of  Erasmus,  which  he  saith  he  had  from 
one  of  the  Spectators,  of  a  Person  lying  along  upon  the  Floor  of  his  Cham- 
ber, in  the  Summer-time,  to  sleep  in  a  supine  Posture,  when  a  Toad, 
creeping  out  of  some  green  Rushes,  brought  just  before  in,  to  adorn  the 
Chimney,  gets  upon  his  Face,  and  with  his  Feet  sits  across  his  Lips.  To 
force  off  the  Toad,  says  the  Historian,  would  have  been  accounted  sudden 
Death  to  the  Sleeper;  and  to  leave  her  there,  very  cruel  and  dangerous;  so 
that  upon  Consultation  it  was  concluded  to  find  out  a  Spider,  which,  together 
with  her  Web,  and  the  Window  she  was  fasten'd  to,  was  brought  carefully, 
and  so  contrived  as  to  be  held  perpendicularly  to  the  Man's  Face;  which  was 
no  sooner  done,  but  the  Spider,  discovering  his  Enemy,  let  himself  dowii, 
and  struck  in  his  Dart,  afterwards  betaking  himself  up  again  to  his  Web; 
the  Toad  swell 'd,  but  as  yet  kept  his  station:  The  second  Wound  is  given 
quickly  after  by  the  Spider,  upon  which  he  swells  yet  more,  but  remain'd 
alive  still. —  The  Spider,  coming  down  again  by  his  Thread,  gives  the  third 
Blow;  and  the  Toad,  taking  off  his  Feet  from  over  the  Man's  Mouth,  fell 
off  dead. 

To  which  the  sage  appends  this  grave  remark,  "  And 
so  much  for  the  historical  Part."  Then  he  passes  on 
to  a  consideration  of  "  the  Effects  and  Cure  of  the 
Poison.'1 

One  of  the  most  interesting  things  about  this  tragedy 
is  the  double  sex  of  the  Toad,  and  also  of  the  Spider. 

Now  the  sage  quotes  from  one  Turner : 

I  remember,  when  a  very  young  Practitioner,  being  sent  for  to  a  certain 
Woman,  whose  Custom  was  usually,  when  she  went  to  the  Cellar  by  Candle- 
light, to  go  also  a  Spider-hunting,  setting  Fire  to  their  Webs,  and  burning 
them  with  the  Flame  of  the  Candle  still  as  she  pursued  them.  It  happen'd 
at  length,  after  this  Whimsy  had  been  follow'd  a  long  time,  one  of  them 
sold  his  Life  much  dearer  than  those  Hundreds  she  had  destroy 'd;  for, 
lighting  upon  the  melting  Tallow  of  her  Candle,  near  the  Flame,  and  his 
legs  being  entangled  therein,  so  that  he  could  not  ertricate  himself,  the 
Flame  or  Heat  coming  on,  he  was  made  a  Sacrifice  tc  his  cruel  Persecutor, 
who  delighting  her  Eyes  with  the  Spectacle,  still  waiting  for  the  Flame  to 
take  hold  of  him,  he  presently  burst  with  a  great  Crack,  and  threw  his 
Liquor,  some  into  her  Eyes,  but  mostly  upon  her  Lips;  by  means  qf  which, 


534  A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil 

flinging  away  her  Candle,  she  cry'd  out  for  Help,  as  fansying  herself  IcilPd 
already  with  the  Poison.  However  in  the  Night  her  Lips  swelPd  up 
excessively,  and  one  of  her  Eyes  was  much  inflam'd;  also  her  Tongue  and 
Gums  were  somewhat  affected;  and,  whether  from  the  Nausea  excited  by 
the  Thoughts  of  the  Liquor  getting  into  her  Mouth,  or  from  the  poisonous 
Impressions  communicated  by  the  nervous  Fibritta  of  those  Parts  to  those 
of  the  Ventricle,  a  continual  Vomiting  attended :  To  take  off  which,  wher  I 
was  call'd,  I  order'd  a  Glass  of  mull'd  Sack,  with  a  Scruple  of  Salt  of 
Wormwood,  and  some  hours  after  a  Theriacal  Bolus,  which  she  flung  up 
again.  I  embrocated  the  Lips  with  the  Oil  of  Scorpions  raix'd  with  the  Oil 
of  Roses;  and,  in  Consideration  of  the  Ophthalmy,  tho'  I  was  not  certain  but 
the  Heat  of  the  Liquor,  rais'd  by  the  Flame  of  the  Candle  before  the  Body 
of  the  Creature  burst,  might,  as  well  as  the  Venom,  excite  the  Disturbance, 
(altho*  Mr.  Boyle's  Case  of  a  Person  blinded  by  this  Liquor  dropping  from 
the  living  Spider,  makes  the  latter  sufficient;)  yet  observing  the  great 
Tumefaction  of  the  Lips,  together  with  the  other  Symptoms  not  likely  to 
arise  from  simple  Heat,  I  was  inclin'd  to  believe  a  real  Poison  in  the  Case; 
and  therefore  not  daring  to  let  her  Blood  in  the  Arm  [If  a  man's  throat 
were  cut  in  those  old  days,  the  doctor  would  come  and  bleed  the  other  end 
of  him],  I  did,  however,  with  good  Success,  set  Leeches  to  her  Temples, 
which  took  off  much  of  the  Inflammation;  and  her  Pain  was  likewise 
abated,  by  instilling  into  her  Eyes  a  thin  Mucilage  of  the  Seeds  of  Quinces 
and  white  Poppies  extracted  with  Rose-water;  yet  the  Swelling  on  the  Lips 
increased;  upon  which,  in  the  Night,  she  wore  a  Cataplasm  prepared  by 
boiling  the  Leaves  of  Scordium,  Rue,  and  Elder-flowers,  and  afterwards 
thicken'd  with  the  Meal  of  Vetches.  In  the  mean  time,  her  Vomiting 
having  left  her,  she  had  given  her,  between  whiles,  a  little  Draught  of 
Distill'd  Water  of  Carduus  Benedictus  and  Scordium,  with  some  of  the 
Theriaca  dissolved;  and  upon  going  off  of  the  Symptoms,  an  old  Woman 
came  luckily  in,  who,  with  Assurance  suitable  to  those  People,  (whose  Igno- 
rance and  Poverty  is  their  Safety  and  Protection,)  took  off  the  Dressings, 
promising  to  cure  her  in  two  Days  time,  altho*  she  made  it  as  many  Weeks, 
yet  had  the  Reputation  of  the  Cure;  applying  only  Plantain  Leaves  bruis'd 
and  mixed  with  Cobwebs,  dropping  the  Juice  into  her  Eye,  and  giving 
some  Spoonfuls  of  the  same  inwardly,  two  or  three  times  a  day. 

So  ends  the  wonderful  affair.  Whereupon  the  sage 
gives  Mr.  Turner  the  following  shot —  strengthening  it 
with  italics  —  and  passes  calmly  on : 

"I  must  remark  upon  this  History -,  that  the  Plantain,  as  a  Cooler •,  was 


A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil  535 

much  more  likely  to  cure  t/iis  Disorder  titan  warmer  Applications  and 
Medicines" 

How  strange  that  narrative  sounds  to-day,  and  how 
grotesque,  when  one  reflects  that  it  was  a  grave  contri- 
bution to  medical  "  science  "  by  an  old  and  reputable 
physician  !  Here  was  all  this  to-do  —  two  weeks  of 
it  —  over  a  woman  who  had  scorched  her  eye  and  her 
lips  with  candle  grease.  The  poor  wench  is  as  elabor- 
ately dosed,  bled,  embrocated,  and  otherwise  harried 
and  bedeviled  as  if  there  had  been  really  something  the 
matter  with  her;  and  when  a  sensible  old  woman 
comes  along  at  last,  and  treats  the  trivial  case  in  a 
sensible  way,  the  educated  ignoramus  rails  at  her  igno- 
rance, serenely  unconscious  of  his  own.  It  is  pretty 
suggestive  of  the  former  snail-pace  of  medical  progress 
that  the  spider  retained  his  terrors  during  three  thou- 
sand years,  and  only  lost  them  within  the  last  thirty  or 
forty. 

Observe  what  imagination  can  do.  "  This  same 
young  Woman  ' ;  used  to  be  so  affected  by  the  strong 
(imaginary)  smell  which  emanated  from  the  burning 
spiders  that  "  the  Objects  about  her  seem'd  to  turn 
round;  she  grew  faint  also  with  cold  Sweats,  and 
sometimes  a  light  Vomiting."  There  could  have  been 
Beer  in  that  cellar  as  well  as  Spiders-. 

Here  are  some  more  of  the  effects  of  imagination : 
l<  Sennertus  takes  Notice  of  the  Signs  of  the  Bite  or 
Sting  of  this  Insect  to  be  a  Stupor  or  Numbness  upon 
the  Part,  with  a  sense  of  Cold,  Horror,  or  Swelling  of 
the  Abdomen,  Paleness  of  the  Face,  involuntary  Tears, 
Trembling,  Contractions,  a  (****),  Convulsions,  cold 
Sweats ;  but  these  latter  chiefly  when  the  Poison  has 
been  received  inwardly,"  whereas  the  modern  physician 
holds  that  a  few  spiders  taken  inwardly,  by  a  bird  or  a 
man,  will  do  neither  party  any  harm. 

The    above   ' '  Signs  ' '  are    not   restricted   to   spider 


536  A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil 

bites  —  often  they  merely  indicate  fright.  I  have  seen 
a  person  with  a  hornet  in  his  pantaloons  exhibit  them 
all. 

As  to  the  Cure,  not  slighting  the  usual  Alexipharmics  taken  internally, 
the  Place  bitten  must  be  immediately  washed  with  Salt  Water,  or  a  Sponge 
dipped  in  hot  Vinegar,  or  fomented  with  a  Decoction  of  Mallows,  Origanum, 
and  Mother  of  Thyme;  after  which  a  Cataplasm  must  be  laid  on  of  the 
Leaves  of  Bay,  Rue,  Leeks,  and  the  Meal  of  Barley,  boiled  with  Vinegar, 
or  of  Garlick  and  Onions,  contused  with  Goat's  Dung  and  fat  Figs.  Mean 
time  the  Patient  should  eat  Garlick  and  drink  Wine  freely. 

As  for  me,  I  should  prefer  the  spider  bite.  Let  us 
close  this  review  with  a  sample  or  two  of  the  earth- 
quakes which  the  old-time  doctor  used  to  introduce 
into  his  patient  when  he  could  find  room.  Under  this 
head  we  have  "  Alexander's  Golden' Antidote,"  which 
is  good  for  —  well,  pretty  much  everything.  It  is 
probably  the  old  original  first  patent-medicine.  It  is 
built  as  follows: 

T'SUe  of  Afa^abocca,  Henbane,  Carpobalsamum,  each  two  Drams  and  a 
half;  el  doves,  Omu*~r  Myrrh,  Cyperus,  each  two  Drams;  of  Opobalsamum, 
Indian  Leaf,  Cinamon,  Zedoary,  Ginger,  Coftus,  Coral,  Cassia,  Euphorbium, 
Gum  Tragacanth,  Frankincense,  Styrax  Calamita,  Celtic,  Nard,  Spignel, 
Hartwort,  Mustard,  Saxifrage,  Dill,  Anise,  each  one  Dram;  of  Xylaloes, 
Rheum,  Ponticum,  Alipta  Moschata,  Castor,  Spikenard,  Galangals,  Opop- 
onax,  Anacardium,  Mastich,  Brimstone,  Peony,  Eringo,  Pulp  of  Dates,  red 
and  white  Hermbdactyls,  Roses,  Thyme,  Acorns,  Penyroyal,  Gentian,  the 
Bark  of  the  Root  of  Mandrake,  Germander,  Valerian,  Bishops  Weed,  Bay- 
Berries,  long  and  white  Pepper,  Xylobalsamum,  Carnabadium,  Macedonian, 
Parsley-seeds,  Lovage,  the  Seeds  of  Rue,  and  Sinon,  of  each  a  Dram  and  a 
half;  of  pure  Gold,  pure  Silver,  Pearls  not  perforated,  the  Blatta  Byzantina, 
the  Bone  of  the  Stag's  Heart,  of  each  the  Quantity  of  fourteen  Grains  of 
Wheat;  of  Sapphire,  Emerald,  and  Jasper  Stones,  each  one  Dram;  of  Hasle- 
nut,  two  Drams;  of  Pellitory  of  Spain,  Shavings  of  Ivory,  Calamus  Odoratus, 
each  the  Quantity  of  twenty-nine  Grains  of  Wheat;  of  Honey  or  Sugar  a 
sufficient  Quantity. 

Serve  with  a  shovel.     No ;   one  might  expect  such 


A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil  537 

an  injunction  after  such  formidable  preparation ;  but  it 
is  not  so.  The  dose  recommended  is  *'  the  Quantity 
of  an  Hasle-nut."  Only  that;  it  is  because  there  is 
so  much  jewelry  in  it,  no  doubt. 

Aqua  Limacum.  Take  a  great  Peck  of  Garden-snails,  and  wash  them 
in  a  great  deal  of  Beer,  and  make  your  Chimney  very  clean,  and  set  a 
Bushel  of  Charcoal  on  Fire;  and  when  they  are  thoroughly  kindled,  make  a 
Hole  in  the  Middle  of  the  Fire,  and  put  the  Snails  in,  and  scatter  more  Fire 
amongst  them,  and  let  them  roast  till  they  make  a  Noise;  then  take  them 
out,  and,  with  a  Knife  and  coarse  Cloth,  pick  and  wipe  away  all  the  green 
froth :  Then  break  them,  Shells  and  all,  in  a  Stone  Mortar.  Take  also  a 
Quart  of  Earth-worms,  and  scour  them  with  Salt,  divers  times  over.  Then 
take  two  Handfuls  of  Angelica  and  lay  them  in  the  Bottom  of  the  Still; 
next  lay  two  Handfuls  of  Celandine;  next  a  Quart  of  Rosemary-flowers; 
then  two  Handfuls  of  Bearsfoot  and  Agrimony;  then  Fenugreek;  thojn 
Turmerick;  of  each  one  Ounce:  Red  Dock-root,  Bark  of  Barberry-trees, 
Wood-sorrel,  Betony,  of  each  two  Handfuls. —  Then  lay  the  Snails  antf 
Worms  on  the  top  of  the  Herbs;  and  then  two  Handfuls  of  Goose-dung, 
and  two  Handfuk  of  Sheep-dung.  Then  put  in  three  Gallons  of  Strong 
Ale,  and  place  the  pot  where  you  mean  to  set  Fire  under  it :  Let  it  stand  all 
Night,  or  longer;  in  the  Morning  put  in  three  Ounces  of  Cloves  well  beaten, 
and  a  small  Quantity  of  Saffron,  dry'd  to  Powder;  then  six  Ounces  of  Shav- 
ings of  Hartshorn,  which  must  be  uppermost.  Fix  on  the  Head  and 
Refrigeratory,  and  distil  according  to  Art. 

There.  The  book  does  not  say  whether  this  is  all 
one  dose,  or  whether  you  have  a  right  to  split  it  and 
take  a  second  chance  at  it,  in  case  you  live.  Also,  the 
book  does  not  seem  to  specify  what  ailment  it  was  for ; 
but  it  is  of  no  consequence,  for  of  course  that  would 
come  out  on  the  inquest. 

Upon  looking  further,  I  fifid  that  this  formidable 
nostrum  is  "  good  for  raising  Flatulencies  in  the 
Stomach*' — meaning  front  the  stomach,  no  doubt. 
So  it  would  appear  that  when  our  progenitors  chanced 
to  swallow  a  sigh,  they  emptied  a  sewer  down  their 
throats  to  expel  it.  It  is  like  dislodging  skippers  from 
cheese  with  artillery. 


538  A  Majestic  Literary  Fossil 

When  you  reflect  that  your  own  father  had  to  take 
such  medicines  as  the  above,  and  that  you  would  be 
taking  them  to-day  yourself  but  for  the  introduction  of 
homoeopathy,  which  forced  the  old-school  doctor  to 
stir  around  and  learn  something  of  a  rational  nature 
about  his  business,  you  may  honestly  feel  grateful  that 
homoeopathy  survived  the  attempts  of  the  allopathists 
to  destroy  it,  even  though  you  may  never  employ  any 
physician  but  an  allopathist  while  you  live. 


THE    END. 


THE  UNIVERSITY  LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA,  SANTA  CRUZ 


This  book  is  due  on  the  last  DATE  stamped  below. 


FEB  M  1367 
|\PR  3  0  1969 


S3 

WAY  io  1972 
3  0 


DEC  2  OB72 


JUN2278 

JUN     9  1978  REC'D 


100m-8,'65(F6282s8)2373 


3  2106  00206  4019 


